Strange news

[Eireann]

Okay, not that strange, but not the everyday kind of news.

My father died today. Before anyone gets sympathetic, we had been estranged for a long time. My father was one of those people who should never have had kids, so of course, he did. He didn't know how to deal with us, he didn't support us financially (unless threatened by the courts), he rarely had any interaction with us. He also had this cute little trick of lighting up one of his countless daily cigarettes and locking the car windows so that I couldn't get enough air. No, I am not kidding.

He was dishonest, a thief, and extremely manipulative. He was always going from job to job, town to town, looking for Easy Street and never finding it. He was diagnosed with cancer more than a year ago, and much to my surprise, held on until today. I'm not at all surprised that cancer got him - he smoked several packs of cigarettes a day - but what does surprise me is that given his incredibly poor nutrition and overall bad state of health, that it didn't carry him off long ago.

So. He's gone from this plane. I'm now wondering what might have been... if he'd been a decent person; if my parents' marriage had been a healthy one; if if if.

Too bad we can't choose our relatives.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'm sorry for you, for the lack of a dad in your life. And I'm sorry for him, for chosing to be the kind of person he chose to be, and missing out on what could have been an awesome life for himself, with a loving wife and family around him who respected him.

Maybe others will look at his life and learn what he never did.

[Rahmota]

My apologies to you. Every child and person needs/deserves a good father. Unfortunately the universe seems to think only a few of them should be given at a time. And now you're left with the two most depressing and dangerous words in the english language: What if....?

Good fortune be yours.

[Amethyst Hunter]

What RK said.

Too bad we can't choose our relatives.

Oh, I hear that.

[Knightmare]

It's stories like this that make me want to hug my daughter more, hold her tighter and not let go, until she says "Daddy, you're smooshing me." Even then, I don't want to let go.

Any man can be a father, but it takes a special one to be a dad. I'm sorry you didn't have a dad. And I'm sorry for him, for not knowing what he had, what he missed.

[iradney]

Hey Eireann

You can borrow my Dad for a bit if you like. He's a little over protective, but very loving and squishy, and when he starts talking about something he's passionate about, he goes on forever.

But yes, it is very sad that you never really had a good father figure. Every little girl needs a Daddy to spoil her rotten and make her feel like a princess.

*misses her Daddy who's in Canada now :( *

[Eireann]

Thanks, iradney. Really, when I think of it, there weren't many real "dads" in my circle when I was growing up. I was afraid of my friends' fathers - one was loud and yelled a lot; one was highly abusive to his children. Though there was one man, very calm, never raised his voice, had a steady marriage and well-behaved children....

He never quite seemed real to me.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

When I was in Junior High School, my best friend always said she hated her father. My own dad was far from perfect, but he was a wonderful father, so I couldn't imagine that. I would tell her, "you might be mad at your father, but you don't hate your father."

And then I met him. He came over when I was there one night, drunk and screaming and swearing at her mother. My friend and I hid in her room till he left.

I believed her after that. :(

[Jester]

It's posts like this that make me appreciate my wonderful parents so much more. All three of them. :D

[cinema guy]

I'm going to ring my parents now.

[Eireann]

Go for it, by all means. It's ironic; when I was in high school, some of my friends and I talked about what rotten fathers we had. A mutual bond of sorts. I believe some of my friends later reconciled with their fathers, but mind - as I said, he should never have had kids, but he did, and rather than trying to make something of his life, he disconnected from us (and later pulled some cheap emotional manipulation on each of us) and just.... went away. He couldn't love himself, and it's for certain that he never loved any of us. The idea of having two parents is completely foreign to me. I look at his life and it was just so barren and empty and cold, reeking of cigarettes and self-pity. Hell of a way to live and die.

[Bella_Vixen]

I know exactly how you feel, Eireann.


My father was a bad man. He was a raging alcoholic, and a manipulative bastard. And that's just what I remember. Almost my entire childhood is blacked out. (never a good sign)

The best thing that happened to him was dying. Well, my mother and having me and Becks, but a deserved death ranks up there.

[Eireann]

Yeah, a friend of mine lived a horrible childhood with a father who was psychotic, extremely violent, verbally and physically abusive, and if that weren't enough, he was also a pedophile. You have to wonder where the justice is in a world where a man who likes little girls has five - count 'em, FIVE - daughters. Her mother was in extreme denial throughout her married life, right until the end. My friend has survived suicide attempts and drug addiction. When I feel sorry for myself, I think of her - my father did us an ENORMOUS favor by not inflicting his loser existence on us. It could have been worse.

[BookstoreEscapee]

We have family friends who got divorced when we were kids (the kids are 1 and 2 years older than me; we've known them since the son was in kindergarten with my brother). The father was an abusive asshole, and after the divorce he had visitation rights for a while, until the kids told the judge they didn't want to see him anymore.

He later remarried, and when he died (massive heart attack while refereeing a basketball game) his wife wasn't even planning to tell his kids. His sister told them (they are still close with his side of the family). And in his will, he didn't just leave them out, but specified that his kids were not to get any part of his estate.

Nice guy.

[Dips]

Your father sounds a lot like Mr. Dips biological father (not to be confused with my awesome FIL, who is Mr. Dips' stepfather). He died younger than we expected and we are very relieved that he won't be able to manipulate and scam our daughter. But anger and sadness will still sneak up on Mr. Dips unexpectedly and our daughter mourns the idea of the grandfather she never got to know.

I'm sorry for your loss. Not for the person your father was, but for the person he should have been.

Take care,

Dips

[Eireann]

It's hard to imagine him being any different from what he was. He had no idea how to love himself, so of course, he couldn't love anyone else. He was weak, unmotivated, selfish, and could only keep up the "good guy" front for small periods of time. Just as well that we didn't see much of him. I think of him leaving this sphere, and - what? Just what did he leave? Not much.

[ArenaBoy]

My friend C is somewhat estranged from her mother and my friend K is estranged from her father.

K and her family lived up the street from my family growing up. One night her parents got into an argument and her dad said these words "I hate you." to her. Parents divorced not too long after that. The dad disappeared from the scene (Leaving his ex-wife to care for three kids and married a Russian woman and had a kid with her. Last I heard of him he was in Iraq searching for land mines.
Needless to say everyone in the neighborhood hates him and my dad refuses to speak to him. I actually witnessed my dad yelling at the bastard, said bastard was trembling. I still remember K's little brother telling me the whole story when they stayed over and I can hear the words the bastard uttered loud and clear in my head 12 years later even though I never witnessed the argument.

C, whom I've known my whole life is estranged from her mom. At 8 years old C's parents divorced for reasons unknown. She and her siblings were left with their dad and a while later her dad met his now wife and they moved away. I was a wreck when they moved as they lived next door and we did everything. C didn't exactly get along too well with her step-mom. Whenever C and I talked and had our complaints C always mentioned about her mom never contacting her or breaking things off.

As for me, I'm lucky. C and K told me that. I just called my parents after reading this because quite frankly they had to put up with me and they loved it.

[Der Cute]

Eireann,

I'm sorry that you didn't have a cool dad. I wanted to let you know that I can somewhat empathize. My dad is a control freak, who somehow puts on a front that everyone else outside our family LOVES. My mom didn't grow a spine until she told Dad she wanted a divorce.

So in short, I had a mediocre crappy childhood- but I will say that having parents who kept fighting each other and screaming made me a lot stronger than most people.

I walked out on them when I was 19. I found a job, new place to live in 6 weeks. I've been fiercely independent since I was a munchkin. I've strived to be so different from them....and it's worked. My mom can't stand me- since I have an opinion and use it, and my dad actually respects me although he still pushes the I'm God and You're Not button...

So, hugs. Days like this I have to remind myself - it wouldn't happen to me unless there's a reason....

Cutenoob

[Becks]

My father was a bad man. He was a raging alcoholic, and a manipulative bastard. And that's just what I remember.

Add to that--one of my memories of him is him throwing a steak knife at Mommy. Why? She was still preparing the mushrooms to go with his steak. Luckily the knife missed her and hit the doorway, but still, it's not the most treasured memory a person could have.