Uh....what do y'all think?

[thegiraffe]

I was leaving work yesterday (at the school), and I walked over to our ESOL teacher in the parking lot to say bye. She told me that one of the dads waiting for his kid to get out of band was essentially eating me alive with his eyes as I walked out. I, of course, didn't see it (I'm quite oblivious sometimes).

I mention it today (with the ESOL teacher present) to an older lady I work with who tends to hold....unpopular beliefs sometimes. I was basically saying how disgusted I was and the eww factor. I don't know him, but he's got a kid and likely married. THAT, and all of our kids in band are in 4th or 5th grade, so he's likely at least 8-10 years older than I am.

So J, (my older coworker) says that "It's a compliment! He thinks you're hot!"
My response? "No it's not! A compliment is "you're pretty" or "I like what you're wearing" or whatever...not undressing someone with your eyes!"

It doesn't help matters either that I look 5-6 years YOUNGER than I am...I look about 16 or 17 (I'm 22). *shudders*

Once E (our ESOL Teacher) mentioned it, I looked back nonchalantly and saw how he was looking at me, and it was definitely in more than an...admiring way.

What do y'all think? Am I oversensitive? I've had trauma in the past that does tend to make me oversensitive to things like that, but I'm learning what's OK and what's not. This, however, didn't seem OK to me. But my perception is off sometimes too...

Was I wrong to take it as him being creepy instead of a compliment? J has some off-the-wall ideas (and ideals) sometimes, but...I'm not sure here.

[Der Cute]

Personally, I'd take it as a compliment, since I am about 40# overweight and short. In other words I don't look like a VS model.

Anytime I get male appreciation looks I'm thinking "woohoo, damn I got it" *selfpat*.
Whether it's jeans & Tshirts or dressed to the nines.

I will think a man's kinda...creepy...when he comes up to me, drools on me and says Oh Marry Me without asking me what my name is. Or follows me from here to there and just puppydog stares.

Until further action, I'd classify this as a male compliment from afar.

Cutenoob

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, I dunno. Men look. It's a fact. Unless he was acting in some way to draw attention to the fact that he was looking and making a huge deal out of it, I'd chalk it up to him liking your looks and not doing a good job of keeping a poker face.

Young men like to look at pretty women, and the years and age don't change that. Just cuz you start being old doesn't mean you stop being young.

If he was your age and georgeous, would you still think he was creepy? ;)

Men are gonna look, and do a bad job of hiding it, as long as there's something to look at.

Heck, I like to look, too. I'm happily married and have a kid, and I'd NEVER cheat on my husband and child. But that doesn't mean I can't appreciate looking at beautifully made man when I see one.

[MMATM]

I don't know, cutenoob. Sounds more like he was ogling her than admiring her from afar. Especially since it can be assumed that A) he's married or at least B) he has kids with someone else, it can also be assumed that he's A) too old to be and/or B) not supposed to be gawking at people he (likely) thinks are underage.

While I wouldn't worry about it or get hypersensitive about things like this, I can understand that it would be uncomfortable to have a guy giving you the "once over" about fifty times. An appreciative glance or look is ok, but staring at someone is creepy. Almost all guys know that.

Don't sweat it though. He's probably just enjoying the chance to look at other women without his wife getting mad at him for it. *Ducks thrown shoes, hairdryers and other objects.* :D

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Meh, I dunno. I wasn't there so I don't know how he looked at you. I'm not always the best judge of people's intentions anyway,

It would be different if he actually said something.

[Saydrah]

You individually have plenty of reason to be alarmed by men leering at you, as I remember from previous posts.

In general, though, it's a compliment- as long as they don't follow you or say anything. People are gonna look, and some are worse at hiding it than others.

Everyone has a different threshold where they are uncomfortable. Mine is sky high. I will take flirting, pervy remarks, and the like all as compliments- but if someone touches me without my consent, they are liable to get their nose broken. (and yes, I have broken a couple of noses!) If your threshold is at looking, you are within your rights to say something or take yourself out of the situation. It's not about some arbitrary moral line between compliment and lechery- it is about YOU and what you are and aren't okay with.

[Boozy]

What do y'all think? Am I oversensitive?

Yes.

He's just looking. You didn't even notice until someone told you he was.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I will reiterate what another poster said: I wasn't there, so it's kind of hard to judge.

But I will say this...if someone is blatantly staring at you, a good way to break their gaze and get them to knock it of is to lock eyes with them and stare back.

It's hard to do. But if you can endure the uncomfortable awkwardness of it longer than he can, he'll break his gaze and knock it off.

[Jester]

I don't know him, but he's got a kid and likely married.


Having a kid does not, in this day and age, mean you are likely married. It means you had a kid with someone. Hey may or may not be married. If he is married, yes, this is kind of gross. If he is not married, I don't necessarily see the problem.*

THAT, and all of our kids in band are in 4th or 5th grade, so he's likely at least 8-10 years older than I am.

I am 37, so am 15 years older than you. I have complimented you on your looks on more than one occasion. You have never described me as pervy. You are an attractive young lady, and men are going to look at you. Just because they are older than you does not necessarily mean them looking at you is pervy.*

It doesn't help matters either that I look 5-6 years YOUNGER than I am...I look about 16 or 17 (I'm 22). *shudders*

Perhaps to some people you do. I don't think you do. I think you look about your age. If he thought you looked like a teenager, yes, that is pervy. If not, not necessarily.*


*Important note: Since I can't say HOW he was looking at you, I can't say for certain if it was gross or pervy...or not. There are ways to look at women that are very gross. There are ways to look at women that are not gross, yet still being obviously admiring. And there are ways to look at women where some people would think it's gross and some wouldn't. You are the only one who can say HOW he was looking at you, and that really is what determines the perv factor here. I just disagree with your other arguments. :)

[blas]

I'll give you some advice hunny......

I used to get all hot and bothered being stared at by men. But after a while, I realized that I just worked myself up into a tizzy over something I really cannot control.

My best advice is to ignore it. Yes, it seems hard. Trust me, sometimes I almost twitch and forget about my promise to stop being bothered about it, but if you work on this long enough, after a while, it won't be so bad.

When you see a guy staring at you and you don't like it, just don't look back. Don't appear overly angry (as the wrong type of guys will find this funny and keep staring at you), and don't try to hide or anything silly like that. Just pretend you don't even care or don't even notice.

[Amethyst Hunter]

It's not about some arbitrary moral line between compliment and lechery- it is about YOU and what you are and aren't okay with.

Wordy McWordon Wordito Wordenstein.

[Seshat]

Polysyllabic verbiage is not obfuscation.

And back to the topic:

I HATE, absolutely HATE being ogled. Whenever I notice it, it makes me feel like I've been dipped in something icky. Apparently everyone else in this thread other than the original poster thinks it's a compliment: I always feel like I've just been demoted from 'human' to 'object'. Like I'm no more important or significant than a chair or a table or a blowup sex doll.

Now, there's a difference between being ogled and being admired. If someone flirts with me, interacting with the person, then I'm happy with that.

But if someone treats me, the person, as an inconvenience who must be endured to get to shove his dangly bits into my body, that's slimy. That's gross, and that's all EWWW.

[thegiraffe]

Jester -

the major issue was HOW he was looking at me. Like I said...I'm pretty oblivious most of the time because I'm in my own world, but when E pointed it out to me, he was STILL staring and his eyeballs were burning a hole in my clothes. Well, at least he wished they were.

You have complimented me on my looks before, and I appreciate it. You did it in a classy way. I felt complimented afterwards. With this dude, I just wanted to shower.

I guess the main issue of the whole thing was that my coworker essentially was saying that any look you get from guys should be taken as a compliment. However, she and I have different views on things of that nature (among other things). I disagree in that there are looks that have slime written all over them, and the next signal is 'run' (in my mind, at least).

Being a girl is tough these days....

[thegiraffe]

I HATE, absolutely HATE being ogled. Whenever I notice it, it makes me feel like I've been dipped in something icky. Apparently everyone else in this thread other than the original poster thinks it's a compliment: I always feel like I've just been demoted from 'human' to 'object'. Like I'm no more important or significant than a chair or a table or a blowup sex doll.

Now, there's a difference between being ogled and being admired. If someone flirts with me, interacting with the person, then I'm happy with that.

But if someone treats me, the person, as an inconvenience who must be endured to get to shove his dangly bits into my body, that's slimy. That's gross, and that's all EWWW.

That's basically what I meant.

I'm not feeling well at the moment. (potentially gross, so whited out:) I just re-visited everything I ate today via the porcelain throne. I'm not up to where I usually am on my usual level of communication skills.

[Saydrah]

Polysyllabic verbiage is not obfuscation.


A fitting response to the vituperative comments decrying verbosity!

[Rahmota]

I dunno. Without having been there all i can say is that men look. Some look a bit longer or harder than what some women may be comfortable with but that in and of itself does not necesarily mean they are being slime or ogling or whatever. Also I have to wonder if the guy was younger you would have had this same reaction. As long as looking doenst lead to acting then no harm no foul. I've had women do the same thign to me and I didnt mind it. Heck most guys consider it an awesome compliment if it happens to them.

Relax dont acknowledge it, get wierded out by it or do anything overzealous unless he does somethign actively bad.

At least thats my 2 centicreds.

[Jester]

Heck most guys consider it an awesome compliment if it happens to them.

Hell, I'm STILL waiting for that to happen to me when it is not another guy!

[ArenaBoy]

Hell, I'm STILL waiting for that to happen to me when it is not another guy!

Jester, have I mentioned how awesome it is when a girl blows a kiss at you when you're working? :D

[Jester]

AB, have I mentioned how awesome it is to see hot girls walking around in bikinis in January? :D

[ArenaBoy]

AB, have I mentioned how awesome it is to see hot girls walking around in bikinis in January? :D

Well played. That said, try working a country music show at an outdoor venue. :devil:

[Jester]

I've seen country music fans. Nothing personal to anyone here that qualifies, but frankly, I am hardly impressed.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Hell, I'm STILL waiting for that to happen to me when it is not another guy!

It probably has, and many times. Women are better at being discrete with their ogling.

[Jester]

Riiiiiiiight. Well, I tend to doubt it, but if it has happened, my usual obliviousness to such things prevented me from noticing my being, um, noticed.

Okay, it's times like these that makes it painfully clear that I should not be typing anything on here in the morning. :lol:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

A fitting response to the vituperative comments decrying verbosity!

Aw geez, didn't they teach you in school to never use a big word when it's possible to utilize a diminutive word?

[Mr. Rager!]

Of all the things to nitpick about, people are going to nitpick on words that someone is using to express a point???? LAME!

Back to the OP:

If you aren't comfortable with the way someone is looking at you, then you have every right not to be. I don't know what you should do in this situation, so I can't help you there. We all have our very own comfort levels.

Someone telling you that you're being overly sensitive is someone who also made a post complaining about their boss looking down their shirt.

Now if your admirer were up close, he'd probably be doing the same to you from the way you described. So, I'm seeing a lot of hypocritical posts here.

It all boils down to whether or not you're comfortable with what's going on. This is obviously bothering you, we can't see how he's looking at you so it's hard for us to judge. Sad thing is, I don't think there's a whole lot you can do. Something my girlfriend has been known to do is asking those people if they'd like an autograph. Maybe use some humor to try and let the guy know he's being a pig.

[gunsage]

Well, being a man, here's my opinion. An older man finds you attractive. Okay, that's not so much a compliment as "Why's grandpa looking at me like that?" *Shudder* Anyway, it's when people that are YOUNGER than you are looking at you like that that it should be taken as a compliment. HOWEVER, and no, I'm not going to attempt to guess your age, from what you've said so far, that might be gross (okay I'll take a stab at mid 20s).

So, to put it in perspective, it's flattering to get hit on or gawked at by 20-ers when your 30-something, 30 with 40, and ESPECIALLY flattering for 20 with 40, and so on. But older dudes? Nah. That's not all that flattering and kinda gross. BUT there are exceptions. For example, if the guy's famous, rich, ZOMG HAWT, or just a liiiiiiittle older than you, that might be flattering. Now, as a professional pervert (aka programmer), I tend to look at all varieties of womenz. :p

However, I don't go about undressing someone with my eyes unless...

- It's a pretty sure thing she can't see me.
- It's a pretty sure thing she can, but she either doesn't care or I WANT HER TO KNOW I'm doing it. Please note that this doesn't happen now that I'm married. :p
- I'm testing my X ray vision.

That's about it and lately the third's been on the fritz. :p Now yes, there are times where I'll sort of nonchalantly "notice" someone, but often it's not a "head turning event," if you will. Just a simple "Well, there's the tits, yup, and the ass too. Still a woman. I can check her off my list." :lol: I realize I'm not being very helpful, but honestly, I can empathize with you for thinking that's gross. There. I'm done.

[Rahmota]

Jester:Hell, I'm STILL waiting for that to happen to me when it is not another guy!

heheh Sorry about that. I'll agree it has probably happened but for whatever reason they decided not to let you know it happened. Women can be sneaky that way....

Oh well. Maybe someday.

[MadMike]

Having a kid does not, in this day and age, mean you are likely married.

Agreed. I was a single parent myself for awhile, and didn't get married until my son was 7.