Coming live from "My brother is an idiot" world.

[Alfie]

Some of you may remember my postings about how I want to move out, and from memory I think I told you about how my brother and I don't get along.

Well he made the relationship worse, by nearly setting the whole kitchen on fire. He came home, drunk as always, and decided that he needed to boil up soup for himself. What he forgot to do was to move everything away from the stove top. You would think that a 22yr old would know to do that naturally!!! Apparently not. And so because he failed to move a tea towel (bright green mind you, so it didn't just blend in), the gas stovetop set the tea towel on fire. Which in turn set on fire the clothes he had taken off and left on the bench. Which in turn set the toaster on fire.

Luckily mum finally woke up and went to see what was happening, because I just thought that he was being an idiot (he always is when he comes back drunk). I have always assumed that if something is on fire, they would try to put out the fire, while yelling to let the household know. But instead he went from my room, to mum's room, to casually and drunkenly let us know. The fire stopped at the toaster because he had put a fireblanket on it, and we still have our house.

He is not taking any blame towards any of this. Apparently it was mum's fault the soup was too oily. And it's mum's fault that the tea towel was where it was. Now he wants to be comped the $60 of new clothes he had taken off and left on the bench. None of this is his fault, so ofcourse he should get his clothes back because of it.

Coincidently, dad left this morning to go overseas to work for a few weeks, and now shit hits the fan. I can't decide if it's my responsibility to stay with mum to make sure she is ok, or to just leave. I think the leaving option seems the best at the moment. She is experienced in this field, she is calm, rational and can deal with his behaviours. I get upset, stressed and freak out.

A bonus to this was that I was told how I was a "fuckwit", how he doesn't like me, and that we haven't been friends for years. I was told to "fuck off" with him giving me the middle finger too while looking into my eyes. No wonder we aren't friends, I don't want to be friends with someone like that. Plus I think that he's a bit of an idiot anyway, so I don't want to deal with him.

So, in summary, we didn't die, so I guess that makes a good night. And I don't think the kitchen was damaged.

[Jester]

There's a phrase I use for people like your brother. That phrase is "fucking idiot."

Personally, I think since he is 22 and that irresponsible, not to mention dangerous to have around the house, your parents really should tell him it is time to move the fuck out. You're an adult, boy, and since you have no idea what it is like to take personal responsibility, you are about to learn. Here's your timeline, get a job (if he doesn't have one), get a place to live, and if you burn down your place, well at least you will only have yourself to blame, and not your family.

Dude is a fuckwad. Your parents need to sack up and toss his ass. Seriously.

If that doesn't look likely, as selfish as you may think it is (and to a degree it is, but selfish is not always bad), you might want to consider finding your own place.

My opinion, anyway. But then, I have low tolerance for fucking idiots.

[draftermatt]

I agree with Jester, though I moved out at 19, my parents would have tossed my ass out for something like that. Especially if I reacted the way he did.

[tropicsgoddess]

I would've been out on my ass if I acted the way your dumbass brother did. Either get your parents to have your brother pack his shit and leave or if they can't see it for themselves, get your own place and leave. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior coming from a 22 year old adult.

[blas]

If I ever did anything like that, I would have been forced to pay for any damages caused and most likely kicked out.

[Alfie]

My parents think that he is "sick" and has some sort of mental illness. I don't know if it's that or he is just a moron.

He has been kicked out and lived at home in phases since he was 15. Now he is apparently getting an opportunity to "get better" here, and they are giving him another chance. The only difference now is that he isn't on drugs, but he's still as big of a fuckwit as he has always been. It got to the stage with his police charges that he went to court and now he has to do drug testing every 2 weeks so he doesn't go to jail, but he still drinks shitloads.

Like Jester said, it does seem selfish to me to move out of home and escape here. But I think this was the final push. I will look at more places on Tuesday, and just hope that my brother doesn't do any more stupid shit before then.

Maybe the problem is that he has always been allowed to be a fuckwit? And now it's just his natural behaviour.

[blas]

I have to politely disagree with Jester. There is nothing selfish about wanting to move out and get away from drama and totally unnecessary bullshit.

Why do you think I moved out? I love my family and all, but I got sick and tired of being screamed at by my mother for hours on end and having a midnight curfew at age 19. If I heard one more blood curdling scream "Don't you EVEN START that!" just because I asked mom if she'd mind bringing the dog in because I didn't have shoes on and she did, I was going to cut my ears off.

Why do you think I got away from my former roomate? I got sick and tired of paying for everything. I got sick of a roomate who moved out, but didn't get off the lease, refused to let someone else take his place, and I got sick of the bickering and the head games. I decided I was better off alone.

Get out. Seriously. And do NOT feel bad about it. There is nothing wrong with getting yourself out of a bad situation.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My parents think that he is "sick" and has some sort of mental illness.

Then he should be evaluated by a competent psychiatrist.

You say yourself your mother is a capable adult. She isn't disabled or otherwise dependent on you, correct? It is not your responsibility to take care of them at the expense of your own sanity. Your brother needs to take responsibility for himself. Apparently he needs some kind of alcohol treatment program as well.

[iradney]

If I'd done that, I would STILL be doing chores to pay off the damage done to the kitchen. Mental problems or no, he needs to learn there are consequences for every action. Your parents should rightly get him working around the house as a way of paying off the new kitchen they'll have to get.
If your parents think he has issues, then they should get him checked out by a professional so that a treatment plan can be implemented.

[Alfie]

There wasn't much damage to the kitchen, just scorch marks on the cabinets on top of the toaster, and some on the kitchen bench. Ironicly, my parents have just begun to renovate the kitchen, so most of it wont matter anyway. I was more frightened/pissed off about the fact that he started a fire and is blatently denying that it was his fault.

The health system in Australia is fucked for lack of a better word, so it would be extremely difficult to have him assessed. I think mum has tried for many years, and nothing has come out of it. Even when she would call up help lines or contact mental health workers and tell them he was smoking pot, she was shrugged off because here it isn't viewed as a big issue. They ignore all of the possible issues that go along with smoking drugs and just label it as a right of passage teenagers go through.

[Seshat]

Australian here, and familiar with the mental health system (unfortunately).

There is a program (it might be state, might be federal) where diagnostic psychiatrists visit GP's offices. It's bulk billed, IIRC, so your brother can be seen locally, with no money paid out.

If you think he should be seen urgently, the magic words are 'he is a danger'. To himself, to you, to your mother - doesn't matter. If he's a risk, they have a duty of care to get him assessed and in treatment. The fire incident definitely counts as a risk!

Yes, our mental health system is underfunded for the need, and overloaded for the funding, but it's improving. Persistence and patience (alas, traits the mentally ill rarely have) will get you the help you need.

By the way: you probably have strategies and modes of thinking you've developed for dealing with your brother, that will cause you problems in more 'sane' situations. Make use of the free psychological counselling (a new federal program) that you can get through Medicare. It's a 'referral from a GP' thing, if I recall correctly, but if you call around psychologists in your area, they'll know. They'll also be able to give you some idea of what they can do to help you - and to help your family.

I second the comments about your mother: if she's a capable, healthy adult, then it's NOT your responsibility to put yourself in danger to look after her. Even in first aid courses and stuff like that, they emphasise that the first step is to look for danger.

If she's not a capable, healthy adult, or if you suspect she's somehow got herself caught up in this situation, look for help.

Hm. It occurs to me that both Carers organisations and domestic violence organisations will have the connections to refer you to the most appropriate sources of help. Even if your brother isn't physically violent, you described emotional abuse. And whether or not he's actually mentally ill, your mother is acting as a carer. Contact both types of organisation.

[Alfie]

By the way: you probably have strategies and modes of thinking you've developed for dealing with your brother, that will cause you problems in more 'sane' situations. Make use of the free psychological counselling (a new federal program) that you can get through Medicare. It's a 'referral from a GP' thing, if I recall correctly, but if you call around psychologists in your area, they'll know. They'll also be able to give you some idea of what they can do to help you - and to help your family.

Unfortunately, at the moment I don't think that I'm worth enough to go and see a psychologist. I'm sure they have better people to help. I'm used to this household, and used to it's antics. I'll get over it.

[Alfie]

Another quick update from me. I told mum again how I'm going to look for somewhere to move to. She asked me if I could possibly move to her room, and she moves here. Erm, no, because it would still be in the same house as my brother. And her (but I didn't tell her that). Then she asked if what if I moved to the study. No again.

And then she told me her concerns of me moving out:

Point 1: I drove past *innercity suburb* and looked around, and there is nothing happening on the streets, no one is walking around. I think why would you want to be stuck in a little box? Wouldn't it be better being home.
My Answer: No. And I don't care about being lonely anyway, I enjoy being by myself. (Also, she does night shift in the hospital where the suburb is, so ofcourse there wouldn't be anyone walking around because it's 9pm)

Point 2: We thought that you could try to stick it out until your uni is over and then we could sell the house.
My Answer: I'm not just going to stick around just so that you sell the house in two years. I need to think about myself.

Point 3: (This is the great one) We were thinking that if we go to Europe in the summer holidays, your brother comes and you stay here then if you move out, there is no one to look after the house.
My Answer: That's the first I knew about not going to Europe with you. And again, I'm not going to just stay here so that I can house sit for you. And if I can have the opportunity to go and see my niece in Europe, or my relatives in Scandinavia, there is no way in hell I'm letting you all go without me.

[Seshat]

I don't think that I'm worth enough to go and see a psychologist. I'm sure they have better people to help.

Go. NOW. And tell them you said this.

That is a classic abuse reaction. About as classic and textbook as they come.

My Answer: I'm not just going to stick around just so that you sell the house in two years. I need to think about myself.

And this, plus the other things you've said in the update, reassure me that you can recover, and will be fine.


So. Let me explain to you just why you're worth helping, in terms which have worked on people who I know for certain were abuse survivors. (Whether you are, I dunno. Don't know your situation well enough.)

If you don't get help, you'll probably have reactions to your past. Common types of reaction would be curling up and crying for an hour or two every week, or developing a drinking or gambling problem, or - well, lots of things. Let's assume you spend at least an hour a week in unproductive reaction for the rest of your life. If you're in your early twenties, that's 52*50 = 2600 hours of waste time. More if you develop a drinking, gambling or similar problem, plus the effect those problems would have on your own friends and family.

If you get help, you may need only six hours of a trained psychologist's time. Possibly more, possibly less. Even if you need to see a psych once a week for a year, that's still only 52 hours.

If you get help, you'll be a much more productive and happier person. You can spend those 2600 hours volunteering at an animal shelter, or reading to children in a library, or otherwise contributing to society.

And on top of that, there's the effect that having you as a happier person would have on your friends and family. So - it's well worth it to society.

You can repay society for the psychologist's time in volunteer work, at whatever rate you feel is appropriate, okay?

[Jester]

Even when she would call up help lines or contact mental health workers and tell them he was smoking pot, she was shrugged off because here it isn't viewed as a big issue. They ignore all of the possible issues that go along with smoking drugs and just label it as a right of passage teenagers go through.

Well, frankly, smoking pot and mental illness are NOT one and the same. There are many people I know who are not mentally ill who have (and do) smoke pot. Likewise, I know some people who have never touched the stuff who are pretty fried in the noggin.

Also, I am sure the people on the other end may have thought that she was saying "my brother's smoking pot, and he needs help." I am also sure that they hear all the time the same kind of stuff, where people are saying that their loved ones' drug use IS the problem, when in fact, drug use in and of itself is not a mental health issue.

Hope that all made sense.

Point 3: (This is the great one) We were thinking that if we go to Europe in the summer holidays, your brother comes and you stay here then if you move out, there is no one to look after the house.

Now that is selfish of your mom (or parents), to think that you would be satisfied to stay in that bad situation just so that they could go to Europe with your misbehaving brother while you stay home to watch their house.

I am beginning to think that your parents have been enablers in this whole thing, coddling your brother and not giving him any consequences for his actions.

[Alfie]

Well, frankly, smoking pot and mental illness are NOT one and the same. There are many people I know who are not mentally ill who have (and do) smoke pot. Likewise, I know some people who have never touched the stuff who are pretty fried in the noggin.

I'm sorry if it sounded as though I was making a generalisation. I understand that they are not the same thing, and that some people smoke it for recreation (whether I agree with it or not does not matter). My partner smoked it for 5 years daily, or multiple times a day. He has now quit, but I would not suspect him of having a mental illness, now or then.

However, I would not rule out the possibility that the pot has possibly sparked a mental illness (as it may do to people who are predisposed to some mental illnesses for instance), or that he has infact been self medicating. I don't believe that he has been smoking it for recreational purposes because he has damaged too much of his life for it to be a choice he is making, I believe it was an addiction. (He now can't smoke it, because of a court order, he has fortnightly drug testing). However, he is still drinking a lot, so that could also be a form of self medication too.

I also do think that my parents did have some input into where he is now. I don't think that he was ever held accountable for his actions as a child, and was not taught to treat others with respect. I don't know if I just learnt it naturally, or if my parents raised me differently to him.

[protege]

I am beginning to think that your parents have been enablers in this whole thing, coddling your brother and not giving him any consequences for his actions.

My parents are doing the exact same thing with my younger brother. He's 26, and is basically unemployed...other than working a few hours at the gym here and there. What little money he makes is quickly spent on his car or video games. From what I understand, he considers himself a math guru, yet didn't do so well in college. My parents are letting him take advantage of them, mainly because he's had it "rough." By rough, they mean a car accident in which my other brother was driving. In 1999, that fool made a left turn in front of a pickup...which promptly destroyed my father's Saturn, but landed them both in the hospital with serious injuries.

Anyway, my mother in particular has always coddled him. Every time he (pardon the French) fucks something up, it's someone else's fault, or she does the task for him. Because of that, there's no real incentive for him to get a job or even move out.

And yes, it annoys the hell out of me. I've always had to work for everything--by the time I was 26, both my school and car loans were paid for. I'd been at my current job for just over 4 years, and had managed to save up some cash. Yes, I still lived at home...mainly because I wanted to save some cash first. Doing that allowed me to put down a deposit on a house in 2006 :)

The main reason I moved out? I got tired of all the bullshit and yelling. Both of my brothers basically sit on their asses 99% of the time, play video games or run up bills. When I was still living there, anyone want to guess where my rent payments usually ended up? Yep, paying for my brothers.

...and now for the screaming. Usually, it went something like this: my brothers or father would do/say something stupid. Mom would get pissed, and she'd then scream at the first person she saw. I work in a noisy office, and all I wanted when I'd come home was some damn peace and quiet.

I couldn't escape it, folks! I'd go upstairs, the noise would follow. I'd close the bedroom door...and get yelled at for being "rude." 30 years of that was enough :rolleyes: