Laws That Should Be passed

[AmericanZero8503]

Okay...I posted these on my blog. It recieved a luke warm response, and hardly anyone was willing to contribute. However, we're all here to bitch about those whiny little people that call themselves customers. Feel free to post any I forgot. One that I'm thinking about is...The back room is not a special part of the store, where we hide 'extras.'

Laws that Should be Passed:

Law ..1:Anyone who can't read a fucking sign will be sent to remedial reading classes...
When there is a sign that says 'NO Checks,' Guess what that means? This is a serious problem at the fuel center, this lady said she wouldn't go there anymore b/c there was no sign posted. There is a sticker on every pump and right next to the door, I guess we expect too much when we expect the customer to read.

Law ..2: If I tell you I can't accept something, then that's what I mean. If you follow it up with a 'Are you kidding/joking?' I get to hit you with a sack full of quarters. What do you expect me to say,'Yeah I was just kidding, it's a joke we like to play on people with checks we don't accept.'

Law ..3: Any price dispute less than a dollars means you have you wear a sign that says 'Cheap Retard' anytime you visit the store and I get to hit you with a sack full of quarters.
I had a guy dispute me over 12 cents...12 fucking cents.

Law ..4: Any bad jokes means I get to hit you with a sack of quarters and you are no longer allowed to speak to store employees. Example: "Did you find everything today sir?"
"I think I found too much, har, har!"

Law ..5: Going in to the Express lane with more than the allowed amount, or writing a check in the express lane means that the other customers and the cashier get's to throw rotten tomatoes at you. It's better than throwing them away.

Law ..6: Announcing the managers name does not invoke fear in to me, so don't do it. Pretending that you and the manager "Go way back" when in fact he only knows you because you whine every shopping visit, means I get to beat you with a sack full of nickels.

Law #7: If you ignore your screaming annoying child, I'll ignore you. See ignoring the problem doesn't get us anywhere. I refuse to check out your groceries until you get that little monster quiet. There's a difference between a little baby crying and a child who does it just because.

Law #8: Rarely the customer is right. So that little saying that you amazingly remember, while not remembering that the one day sale is one day only, really does not apply anymore. I can only think of two occasions when the customer was truely correct.

Law ..9: Complaining in order to get an item free, or if the scanner doesn't work so you assume out loud that the item is free, means that you will have to wear the "Cheap Retard" sign any time that you come to my work place. Plus you will be charged for items that are usually free. Such as parking per hour, and shopping cart rental.

Law #10: Walking up does not mean that I'm ready to wait on you. So don't open up your yapper until I acknowledge you with a "May I help you." Suprisingly there are things i have to do, and you aren't the center of the universe despite what you might think. In this moment the judgement of whether or not you get a refund/stamp/lotto ticket/ or pay your electric bill is entirely up to me. So guess who is the center of the universe now bitch? Failure to wait until you're acknowledge means I get to be as shitty as I want, and can give you numerous dirty looks. I can't get in trouble for how I look at you...HAHA!

Law #11: Just because you're old doesn't mean that you are any more special than any one else. If you're going to be shitty then I have the right to tell you that you are doing nothing more than wasting social security that could be left for me. I love my grandma to death and i have never seen her give crap to any cashier unlike the elderly people that shop at my workplace. That's not to say that she doesn't talk trash when she walks away, she is related to me and all...lol.

Leave others as you see fit. :eek:

[iridios]

Why are you using a sack full of coins???

It should be a sack full of nails!

[Crosshair]

Why don't you just use a baseball bat?

[lordlundar]

I think it's because the sack of coins is relevant and more readily available.

In the case of my store, those are in a metal toolbox.

<pictures swinging it at someone's head>

:D :angel: :devil:

[Phone Jockey]

*hands you all her loose change*

~ If you call in & start ranting & raving even BEFORE I know who you are or have pulled up your account, you get to drive to my call center & take calls from other morons who do the very same thing. It will show you humility.

[Becks]

AmericanZero, I absolutely LOVE :love: your post.

Maybe all the cashiers on the board should make copies to post by their registers. :D

[batmoody]

:love: I love your sack

....full of quarters

[Lace Neil Singer]

Here are mine:

Law 1. If you go on my till before I have even sat down, you should expect to wait for me to take the lock off my till, put my float in, and switch the damn thing on. Any muttering, tapping, finger drumming or whining will mean that you've relinquished your right to be served by me. You will vacate my till at once, or be hit repeatedly with my till lock.

Law 2. When I am closed, that applies to everyone. Not everyone except you, not everyone cept for people in a hurry; EVERYONE. Anyone who tries to get me to serve them despite the sign on my till will again be beaten with my till lock.

Law 3. The dividers are there to be used to divide up your shopping from the person in front of you's shopping, and your shopping from the shopping of the person behind you. Failure to grasp this simple premise will mean I can throw every divider on my till at you until you get it.

Law 4. Complaints are only to be made if for a good reason. IE, any cashier being rude to you or hitting you unless allowed to cuz you broke a law. You must have at least 1 staff member to back you up and at least 5 customers, or you will be deduced to be making up lies to make trouble and be forced to wear a t-shirt with "I am a big fat liar" on the front and back every time you enter the store in future.

Law 5. Be rude to a staff member, they are given the right to be equally or more rude back. Simple as that.

[Ree]

Just a reminder and to clarify, for anyone who may visit this board, that the fantasy of "hitting the customer", the use of the "sack of quarters", the "baseball bat", the "metal box full of change", the "till lock" or "divider", or any other projectiles or heavy blunt objects is purely hypothetical and not a reflection on the board's policy, as we do not condone violence to our customers. ;)

[chainedbarista]

1. just because i'm standing behind a till doesn't mean i'm working it. i might be clocking in/out, expiditing a line or marking something out. don't mindlessly babble some crap at me unless i've asked you if i can help you; being there doesn't mean we're running a till, just that we're performing some action that requires us to use said till.

2. don't EVER shove payment in my face at ANY time; this is incredibly rude and demeaning behavior; i won't shove a coffee or pastry up a chosen area of your body, don't shove payment in my face. show some courtesy and a slight bit of manners.

3. don't cut in front of other customers to ask a question, demand samples or free water; they're waiting for their turn, and so will you. don't like it? too bad; your choices are: wait and be served or leave.

4. keep an eye on your child at ALL FRACKING TIMES; this isn't daycare, a public park or some other form of 'free for all.' (not that daycare is, either) you spawned it, you're responsible for it; don't expect us to keep an eye on junior/juniorette just because you 'need a break.' if you have a toddler, don't come in with them having a loaded diaper; i don't want them smearing the contents of said diaper on whatever their grubby little paws can reach (this has happened!)

5. (for future reference) yes, the bathroom is on a token lock; no, you can't use it unless you're a customer, and no, getting samples or a free water doesn't qualify you as a customer, just a leech. why is there a token lock system? glad you asked; because of all the fecal matter, drug paraphenailia and other crap we've had to deal with over the past two and a half years at this site, we've decided that we need to keep certain people out of here, namely NON-CUSTOMERS.

6. we are not 411; don't get pissed at us if we don't know the answer to a question. most of us don't live in the area, and don't come around here on our days off, so we don't have a commanding knowledge over what's in the area.

7. if we're out, we're out; throwing a tantrum won't make the item magically appear. given the increase in the sales of certain items, we tend to run out of those items, and that doesn't mean our store only; other stores in the district have the same issue, so deal with it. out is OUT.

also, on pastry; we will not order another full pack just to sell you ONE lousy item. this results in the store having to mark out multiple items, creating a loss. if your 'favorite' is oh so important, GET YOUR ASS IN SOONER. don't whine to us about it; i don't give a crap, and considering how long this crap has gone on, no one else does, either. we've adjusted sales/orders too often to accomodate this, and got the shaft instead.

[MystyGlyttyr]

(Officially, I don't condone violence. ...unofficially, however...)

1. If you don't watch your child and they throw themselves down the two flights of stairs that are right next to my desk, I am allowed to laugh.

2. Any comments about the dead plant on the obit girl's (MY) desk means I get to add you to my "dead stuff" collection. Protests that you aren't dead yet will be quickly rectified.

3. If you ask me a stupid question about nothing to do with obits, the newspaper, or the universe as science understands it, and I stare at you with a look of utter confusion on my face, and you start to get huffy, I can pick up my Route 44 size Dr Pepper and pour it on you. And then you will buy me a new one AND mop the carpet.

4. If I answer the phone "Newsroom" and the first words out of your mouth are "Is this the newsroom?" I am allowed to put a trace on your line and have your phone shut off for a week.

5. For my coworkers...if you leave food on my desk overnight, for whatever bizarre reason, and I come in the next morning and there are fireants all over my desk, I am allowed to make you lick them up.

[Tito]

Law ..4: Any bad jokes means I get to hit you with a sack of quarters and you are no longer allowed to speak to store employees. Example: "Did you find everything today sir?"
"I think I found too much, har, har!"


Don't forget the ever so popular lines 'The item didn't scan, it must be free!', & 'you look bored, let me give you something to do!'

[AmericanZero8503]

Holy crap, I could I forget the popular...you look bored, let me give you something to do. I'm doing fine getting paid to stare off in to space...LEAVE ME ALONE...lol.

I wasn't condoning violence, I was just giving punishment where it's due.

[Crow The Robot]

Law ..5: Going in to the Express lane with more than the allowed amount, or writing a check in the express lane means that the other customers and the cashier get's to throw rotten tomatoes at you. It's better than throwing them away.

I suggest, as an alternative that they take a page from NASCAR's penalties for speeding on pit road and go to the end of the longest line.:cool:

[Lace Neil Singer]

Same here. ^_^

I will add this one:

Law 6. Any children that misbehave in any way, will be taken to the child cage that is situated in the basement. Misbehaviour, for the ignorant among you, is any of the following: screaming/shouting for fun; grabbing merchandise; handling merchandise; climbing shelves; breaking things. Also, if your child is annoying anyway, the crime of "existing" will be written on the sticker that will be placed accross your child's gob before it is taken to the child cage. Before you can leave the store, you must claim your brat from the cage; to do this you must fill out a long form and pay for any damage, including emotional damage, that your demon spawn has caused; thus ensuring that you take steps to control the brat next time you visit our store.

[Ree]

Law 6. Any children that misbehave in any way, will be taken to the child cage that is situated in the basement...
...Also, if your child is annoying anyway, the crime of "existing" will be written on the sticker that will be placed accross your child's gob before it is taken to the child cage....Why take it out on the child who obviously was not raised to know better?

Wouldn't it be more effective to just put the parents in the cage and subject them to parenting lessons and skills assessments, until they can prove they are fit to resume the care and handling of a child?

Honestly, the anger towards innocent, although misbehaving children these days really irks me.
Yeah, they're misbehaving, but if they weren't taught any differently, how is it their fault?

[Juwl]

Where your money is set, if I have my hand out for it, and you ignore my hand, is where your change is going. Simple.

Do NOT ask for my movie recommendations, and then tell me I suck because of them, and insult me by buying a Pauly Shore movie. Pauly Shore could never live up to Jim Carrey in Liar Liar.

Any time you come into my store, and you ask me for a video game, and I point out we aren't a video game store, and the next words out of your mouth are "Game Stop told me..." I swear, you will get belted across the face. Game Stop did NOT tell you to come down the fifty feet or whatever to the movie store to buy a game that hasn't even hit a release date, :burnup: No, we've never sold video games, and you're far too old to be making that mistake.

[Kusanagi]

I have a few from the big ticket items we have.

1) NO, we do not negotiate prices. It's fantastic that the store down the street will give you $500 off "the exact same piece." The reason you came here and not there is...

2) If you get mad at me when I point out they charge a thousand more than we do in the first place, I get to take a leg off of the nearest available table and beat you with it.

3) If you STILL want to haggle on an $800 living room set after we've already addressed points 1 and 2, I get to bend you over the chair and do something infinately more painful with said table leg.

4) "ALL DAY DELIVERY" MEANS "ALL DAY DELIVERY." Do not bitch and moan the day before we deliver it that it NEEDS to be before noon because you forgot you had a delivery and scheduled a social event to go to.

5) Yes, we charge for delivery. If you walk and go pay someone else even more money because they offer free delivery, it's not my problem. Did you honestly think with gas prices the way they are that a company is truly offering "free" delivery? No, they make up the cost somewhere. Say, like charging an extra $1000.

6) If I pitch you the protection plan against stains and damages and you don't want to get it, and you call back a week after getting the furniture wanting us to clean a stain, then don't scream and cuss at me when I tell you there's nothing we can do. You are not entitled to anyhing beyond defects for your warranty, it is not included in anything. When you go to the car dealership and buy a new car, it comes with a warranty. The warranty does NOT cover dings and scratches you happen to contribute.

7) I am the lowest rung on the ladder. All I can do is forward information up the food chain and have them get back to you. I am a salesman. I do not deal with the delivery people. I do not deal with the warranty people. I have no authority to authorize anything that you feel you are entitled to, such as waiving the delivery fee or redelivery fee because we showed up when you were out at the Starbucks.

8) If my manager or one of his bosses shuts you down, or god forbid, you take an issue as far as the president of the company and HE says no, why the hell do you think calling ME to scream can do anything about it? Yes sir, I'm really the president of the company in disguise. I sit back and watch everything kindof as a spy. I rarely use my godlike powers to help, but in this case, I'll overturn our complete puppet organization and management just so YOU can be happy.

9) KEEP YOUR DAMNED KIDS UNDER CONTROL. We have items here worth thousands of dollars and if your child breaks something, you WILL be responsible for paying it.

10) If I politely ask your child to get off of the glass coffee table, and when he does it again, I ask you to keep your child under control and you yell at me how it isn't my job to raise your kid, I get to take my favorite table leg and beat you in certain areas of your body until you are unable to reproduce.

11) If I have several groups of people in the store, and I ask you if you have any intention of buying today after we've talked for awhile and found something you liked, contrary to what you believe, you do not have a right to get pissed off if I drop you and DO help the person who is ready to buy. We run a business, and I work on commission. If you're not ready to buy, then I'm going to help the person who is.

Probably going to add to this.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Why take it out on the child who obviously was not raised to know better?

Wouldn't it be more effective to just put the parents in the cage and subject them to parenting lessons and skills assessments, until they can prove they are fit to resume the care and handling of a child?

Honestly, the anger towards innocent, although misbehaving children these days really irks me.
Yeah, they're misbehaving, but if they weren't taught any differently, how is it their fault?
I just don't like children. And some of them really are devil spawn; however, I agree with forced parenting lessons for the parents who are rubbish parents.

[NightAngel]

We've been down this road before.
Apparently, we need a road map.

Terms like "crotch dropping," etc. are disgusting. Say child or even brat but refrain from the nastiness.

You were all children once. It's highly likely that when you were you annoyed someone- perhaps by your mere existance.

Those of us who are parents would like some :respect: for ourselves and our children.

[Comp_geek]

Mine is:

No I won't throw in a free tape or battery or whatever else you want. The more you ask, the higher I get to turn the voltage on the nipple clamps I'll put on you.

[batmoody]

Just a reminder and to clarify, for anyone who may visit this board, that the fantasy of "hitting the customer", the use of the "sack of quarters", the "baseball bat", the "metal box full of change", the "till lock" or "divider", or any other projectiles or heavy blunt objects is purely hypothetical and not a reflection on the board's policy, as we do not condone violence to our customers. ;)


aaah man.........

[Crosshair]

Honestly, the anger towards innocent, although misbehaving children these days really irks me.
Yeah, they're misbehaving, but if they weren't taught any differently, how is it their fault?
That's because you can't beat them anymore. When I was little and made someone angry because I was being an ass my parents either spanked me or someone tried to beat me up. (Happened on the playground at school plenty of times.) Call it cruel if you want. But it generaly got the message across that you just don't do some stuff. I found it handy to have a roll of nickels (poor mans brass knuckles) on you at all times. Keeping a child in a padded room just hurts them. They need to learn that the real world is not a nice place and how to survive.

/:2cents:

[Ree]

aaah man.........
Heehee!! :lol: :lol:
Sorry to ruin your fun.

And, Crosshair, let's not turn this thread offtopic, OK?

My comments were simply reminders to play nice in regard to everyone, customers and children included.

As Nightangel said, :respect:

[I_Hate_SCs]

My laws in no apparent order:

1. (As explained in my signature) The backroom is NOT a 'store within a store.' Unless its an advertised item, and you see an empty space, grasp the fact WE ARE OUT and leave! I won't waste my time when I have 1000s of things to do to pull a pen out of our stockroom just for you, especially when similar items are around.

2. You lose the right to complain to a manager once you become rude to staff members. Additionally, managers will only listen to complaints deemed 'valid' by staff members.

3. We don't have a 'return rack' at the fitting room since you must put everything back where you found it. Customers who don't put things back where they found it (and this goes for the whole store, not just at the fitting room) will become locked by chains to their shopping cart (which will subsequently have locked wheels, keeping them captive in the store) until they agree to go back and put back the unwanted items.

4. We will NOT sell a display item (especially baby furniture) unless you sign a release form that doesn't make us liable if the poorly-constructed display breaks and hurts your child. The form, in big letters, explains: 'As a cheapskate, I refuse to supply my family with a safe baby item/home furniture, so I choose to purchase this display item that is most likely already falling apart. I am fully responsible, NOT the store, if any bodily injuries occur from the use of this item.' :D

5. Any person who brings in a watch that we don't sell, and gets mad when we tell them we can't change the battery due to store policy, gets a verbal warning from the employee. If the argument continues, the employee is allowed to take the watch (regardless of how expensive it is), and smash it with the heaviest hammer in our equipment drawer at the jewelry counter.

6. Any customer who leaves their shopping cart at the middle of the parking lot (and leaves without returning it to the cart corral) will wake up the next morning at their home and find 10 shopping carts slammed into their precious car, with a bill from a mechanic of our choice explaining the cost of repair they MUST pay.

[Sunsetsky]

* Do not almost run me over with the electric cart and then yell at me. In this situation, I will be allowed to snap back at you and revoke your right to ride on these. I already have to deal with crazy drivers outside, I don't need to deal with anymore INSIDE.

* If I am actually hit with an electric cart, then I am fully entitled to play bumper carts with you. Except...I'll have the cart and you won't.

* Don't ask me a question and then ask someone else the same question after you got the answer from me. I will throw rotten fruit (preferably tomatoes) at you. And I won't miss.

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

Mine is:

No I won't throw in a free tape or battery or whatever else you want. The more you ask, the higher I get to turn the voltage on the nipple clamps I'll put on you.

That's awesome in at least six different ways. Moving on.


1.) When I say "I can't do that or else I will get fired," I really mean it. My ass will be out the door. When I share this information with you, if you ask again and try to justify it by saying that you "come in here all the time," I get to say "so do I, and I'd like to keep it that way." If you take offense at my sarcasm, violence will ensue.

2.) It's five o'clock. I'm leaving now. One of the two other people here will be happy to ring up your movies. Yes, they're both busy. It appears that you will have to wait. I won't, though. Thanks for choosing Hollywood, I'll be thinking of you and how much I'd like to kick you in the pancreas on my drive home. If you make a face, grunt, sigh, or express any thought or concern that is not "you are well within your right to go home, as your scheduled shift has ended, have a pleasant afternoon," violence will ensue.

3.) If I'm coming on in the middle of the day, I'm going to count my drawer before I sell you something. I'm going to count it so hard that you will just not believe it. No amount of sighing, grunting, foot tapping, swearing, cursing, laughing, requests to see the manager on duty (that'd be me), or queries to your spouse regarding whether or not he or she can believe this will convince me to skip counting my drawer. If you act like a petulant child, I'm going to treat you like a petulant child, except when it suits me to treat you like an adult, like if violence is about to ensue.

4.) When I ask you if you would like to pay your late fees now, if your response is "Well, I wouldn't like to," or any iterration thereof, I get to glare at you with lots of anger. Except replace "glare at" with "ignite" and "anger" with "lighter fluid." When I'm done turning you into a desiccated crisp, violence will ensue.

5.) When the power flickers, we don't sell anything for forty minutes. It's not my choice, it's not a judgement call, it's a hard and fast requirement. Forty minutes is the amount of time it takes to fix the damage to the transaction files that occurs when the server loses power. Yes, even for just a second. No, I'm not lying. Hell, I'll put tech support on speakerphone and you can listen in. Why in pluperfect hell would I pretend not to be able to sell movies for two thirds of an hour? I guess I can understand your suspicion...after all, there's so many other things I'll get to do in the next forty minutes, like stand there, and then move two feet over and stand in a totally new place. Verily, the next forty minutes will be a time of unbridled glee. Idiot. If you fail to understand this concept, violence will ensue.

And most importantly...

6.) I am the manager on duty. Yes, really. Seriously. I even have the words "shift director" under my nametag. Yes, I know I can't be older than twenty. I'm nineteen, to be precise. I'm just as capable as the MOD on the next shift will be. If you fail to grasp the concept that I am both a teenager and a figure of authority in my store, violence will ensue.

[Gas Station Girl]

1. If you throw a $20 bill at me and ask for "some fives", I will assume that you want nickels, and I will throw them at you, one at a time.
2. If you buy a pack of gum, or a similar cheap item, with a large bill because you just want change, I will give you your change in pennies and you will have to pick them up off the floor.
3. If you utter the phrase, "but it's cheaper at (insert store name here)", you will be instantly transported to (insert store name here), and will be forced to buy every single one of that item, since it is apparently such a good deal.
4. If you leave garbage in our store, an employee will follow you home and empty all of the store's garbage cans on your front lawn.
5. If you throw money on the counter without saying what it's for, the employee shall assume that she is being given a tip, and she will be allowed to keep it.

[Kusanagi]

Those of us who are parents would like some :respect: for ourselves and our children.

It's impossible to do this when not all parents are as good as you are.

The ones I hate are the ones that impress into their children that they have a false sense of entitlement. I'm sorry if the term offends you, but I don't see the parents OR the kids as anything else.

[Ree]

I'm sorry if the term offends you, but I don't see the parents OR the kids as anything else.Then that would be your right to your own feelings, but we just ask that you keep it off this board, thanks.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I prefer to use the term "brat" as opposed to anything else... yes, I was a child, but I never called my parents "bitches" or "f***ing losers" as I have seen kids do on more than one occasion. I also knew that if I misbehaved in a store that my parents would take the store's side and anything I damaged I would pay for out of my own pocket money. I'd also get a smacking when we got home.

Going back ontopic (quite a feat!)...

Law 7. You handle it, you bought it. That's right; any piece of fruit that you choose to put your grubby paws over is now yours... which means that you have to pay for it. The same goes for anything your kids touch or you knock off a shelf.

Law 8. If you drop anything made of glass on the floor and don't tell anyone, our secret camera will pick it up and as you try to walk away a security guard will appear and rub your face into the mess on the floor. Then you will have to clean it up. On your next visit to us, you have to wear the "I am a messy moron" t-shirt.

Law 9. If your child is asking you to take him/her to the toilet, you take him/her. No exceptions. If you ignore him/her and he/she messes the floor, you will be made to clear it up as well as be forced to make a public apology to your kid for traumatising him/her.

Law 10. If you ever tell a cashier "Hurry up, my ticket's about to run out!" in a rude, nasty way, we will have to keep you within the store until we see the ticket inspector place a ticket on your car. This is to impress upon you that it's not our fault; it's your fault for not organising yourself better. The only person who can get round the supermarket in 1 hour on a weekend day is Superman. Unless you are him, you put in 2 hours and stop being such a stinge.

[aqutalion]

#) Anyone who uses the phrase "But I could make that myself!" will be required to actually make one before being allowed to shop here again.

[ladodger34]

This is from a customer's POV (and because one of my really good friends was a cart attendant in college)....

If there is a cart corral thingy nearby, take the extra minute and put your cart in the corral. It really doesn't take that much longer. I promise! Look, I hate it when I pull up to a parking space and find a cart in it. I don't want my car being damaged because of your laziness. I don't want to jump out of my car in the middle of a parking lot just to move your cart. It pisses me off even more when the cart corral is in the next spot.

I guess I have to come up with some penalties now. I guess the simplest penalty is to have the offenders have to park far away in a special "I can't take the extra minute to put my cart away so now I have to walk an extra 10 minutes" lot.

Note: I've been in some parking lots where cart corrals are few and far between. I can sort of understand not taking the time (though I usually try to do it myself). This is more related to places like Wally World or Target where there are corrals like every 50 yards and on both sides of the aisles.

[Juwl]

No, I can't make change. No, whoever did it for you last time is not Me, and, seeing as the store policy is 'no one gets change out of the safe unless it is for a drawer (our drawers, before anyone says anything)," I am not going to just 'open the drawer to get you a handful of ones, or a couple quarters. In part, because I can't open the drawers without a purchase, mostly, because I hate you. Particulary when you're from a kiosk in the middle of the mall, during Christmas. Tell your manager to stock your cash drawers better. We are not a bank. And, if we were, we would charge interest.


Bringing a shopping cart into our store from Old Navy will result in an immediate ban from the store. The aisles aren't wide enough for your fat jeans... much less Old Navy's superwide carts. Now, I can squeeze through the smallest holes in the labyrinth of customers, but even I have problems going around a cart.

Asking about the 'mystical back room' gets you chained to the desk in there. For a year, or at least through Christmas.

Ooh! Special requests for us to hold trend in the back room when we see it come through the shipment is not going to happen. We will put it on the floor, and you will march your dumpy little ass down to sift through what we have once you get here. And, getting angry at me for finding what I assumed was your only box of holds when the deal is not between you and myself, is going to get your holds put back in the back room until you get the hell out of my store, and then they will go back on the shelves. There are other people out there who want that Jack Skellington figurine, or that Gonzo exclusive variant... and won't bitch and whine about the tiniest little chip in his eye socket, then go rifle through the rest of the ones we have in, when myself and the manager on duty can't even see the scratch.

[KayEm]

KayEms Laws:

Offence- Leaving an item where it doesn't belong.

This problem will be solved by a microchip type device planted inside every single item. If item is placed in it's proper spot, no problem, everythings kopacetic. However, if item if left someplace it doesn't belong by a lazy bastard customer, the aforementioned microchip will emit a million volts of electricity to the idiot customer (or however many it takes !), and will keep repeating until item is placed back where it belongs.

The history of Pavlov proves this to be a most reliable invention.

However, for those remaining few stubborn lazy bastard customers, a public horsewhipping is the final punishment for the above offense.


Offence-Anyone making unneccessary noise (this includes adults as well as children)

Since studies have shown that working in an environment of peace and quiet is most beneficial to employees, customers will now maintain an aura of quiet, much as one expects in libraries and monostaries. Any diviation from this rule will result in the closest employee shoving a rolled up pair of socks down the offenders throat.

Further violations will result in the noisy bastard being publically horsewhipped by the employees who have had to suffer broken eardrums because of the unneccessary and excessive noise.


New Rules: The longstanding tradition of employees being required to bow and scrape and kiss customer ass has henceforth been revoked. The reverse will now be the common rule. The customer will now bow and scrape and kiss the employees ass.

Failure to comply will result in public horsewhipping AND a million volts of electricity applied to the body for good measure.

[fizzgig]

We've been down this road before.
Apparently, we need a road map.

Terms like "crotch dropping," etc. are disgusting. Say child or even brat but refrain from the nastiness.

You were all children once. It's highly likely that when you were you annoyed someone- perhaps by your mere existance.

Those of us who are parents would like some :respect: for ourselves and our children.



thank you night angel, i know my kids are more :devil: than :angel: they still do behave besides they need their devilish horns to keep their halo's on straight :roll:

fizzy

[fizzgig]

Mine is:

No I won't throw in a free tape or battery or whatever else you want. The more you ask, the higher I get to turn the voltage on the nipple clamps I'll put on you.


i like this one :devil: :devil: :devil: :D

[theredbaron47]

All my laws boil down to are respect and manners, plain and simple.

--> If you throw money or a card at me or on the counter, you get the change or card thrown back at you or on the counter.

--> If you are rude with me, I will be just as rude to you... possibly ruder, depending on the situation and circumstances.

--> If you treat me like a mindless peon, I will do only the bare minimum the store requires me to do for you, and ->absolutely<- nothing more above and beyond the call of duty.

Whatever happened to "do unto others how you would have them do unto you"?

[Kusanagi]

Then that would be your right to your own feelings, but we just ask that you keep it off this board, thanks.

Fair enough ;)

[Plaidman]

I don't have too many...

Law 1: If you want thirty pounds of your crap in one plastic bag, no double or multiple bags, you will be required to carry said stuff two at a time walking home when the bag easily breaks, even though you were warned about it.

Law 2: You steal beer from, I hit you with baseball bat. (Atucally done, haven't been caught on camera yet XD)

Law 3: If you bitch and whine when I can't take it since we don't sell it, it will be shoved up your ass.

[HappyCthulhu]

http://www.caffein8ed.com/fazed_stuff/coffeeshop-sign.jpg
This is one of the funniest signs I've seen yet.:lol:

[Rapscallion]

Law 2: You steal beer from, I hit you with baseball bat. (Atucally done, haven't been caught on camera yet XD)


That didn't happen while you were a member of this forum, I trust. We don't condone violence except in self-defence.

Rapscallion

[Ree]

Law 2: You steal beer from, I hit you with baseball bat. (Atucally done, haven't been caught on camera yet XD)Just to point out, we don't codone taking the law into our own hands when it comes to thieves, and that includes violence against them.

I despise thieves, too, but that isn't the way to deal with it.

[moekosowl]

Law 322: You stare at my chest, I make you look silly by saying "Hi, I'm up HERE" (*gestures toward eyes*) with one of THOSE smiles.

[One Of Many]

ahh #9 :D I just had a customer the other day.. with our system at work, some items don't have a barcode and we have to search for it which isn't always the easiest thing.. so he had to do the whole grinning " well if there's no price on it, it must be free right?" not only did he say it once.. but twice.. har har, buddy. no.

[Jester]

From a bartender in a popular tourist resort town, a few laws of my own:

1. If you are not purchasing anything from me at all, do not ask me for change for the parking meter. If you aren't, and you do, and I refuse, and you take an attitude with me, you will be forced to spit polish my bar for a week, and your vehicle will be towed to the bad part of town to be stripped for parts for crack money.

2. If I tell you the drink specials of the day, and they are not to your liking, this is not a sign for you to try to negotiate drink specials more appealing to you. Any attempts to do so will result in you being forcefed room temperature shots of the cheapest nastiest tequila I have...served from the glass of the unshowered unnkempt white trash redneck that just left in search of various illegal substances.

3. I do not determine the prices. The owners and management of the bar determine the prices. Do not complain about the prices, or attempt to negotiate new prices more to your liking--this is a resort town, and these are the prices! Failure to obey this law will result in you not only being charged double, but being forced to buy a round for every single person that enters my bar that day, until some other cheap schmuck makes the same mistake, and takes over that role from you.

4. If we are out of a particular drink/item, no, I am NOT going down to the local convenience store/food market to get some more just for you. Things run out, management misorders, shit happens. Deal with it. Any snide jokes about my going to said store for said item will result in you forfeiting your credit card to me so that I may shop at my favorite store on my day off for whatever the hell I want....and I have expensive taste!

5. If we do not have your particular choice of beer/wine/liquor/food, no amount of whining will change this. There are 300 other bars in this town, feel free to go to any of them in search of your poison of choice. Continued whining/complaining/bitching about our lack of catering to your questionable taste will result in your being forced to clean my bar mats at the end of my shift....orally.

6. Yes, I do require your ID if you appear under the age of 30. This is not to fuck with you or to piss you off or because I don't like people like you. This is because in this particular state, it happens to be required by state law. I did not make the law, nor did I determine what is considered an acceptable for of identification for alcohol purchases in this state, but I do have to work under the law in place. Hell, if it were up to me, I would gladly sell liquor to anyone who had the money to pay for it, whatever their age, and we would all have a lot of fun....but since I am not in charge of such things, I have to go with what the elected officials have determined to be appropriate for my locale. If you do not have what the state deems to be acceptable ID and you give me attitude about asking you for it in the first place, I will be allowed to take the largest bottle of the spirit you requested and forcibly sodomize you with it. For my sake, I hope you are a fan of something in an oddly shaped bottle!

7. I will gladly give you information about my happy little tourist town if I am not busy with paying customers. If, however, my bar is three deep and I am doing everything I can to provide good service and good drinks to those paying and TIPPING me for such, any attempt to force your way in front of them to ask 38 questions that I don't have the time to answer will be met with scorn, ridicule, you will forfeit your right to visit my happy little tourist town, and you will be given a ride in the backseat of our most psychotic taxicab driver, as he takes you RIGHT OUT OF our happy little tourist town! (If you're lucky, he won't play chicken with delivery trucks this time.)

8. When possible, I will do my best to give you separate checks if you ask for them. If, however, there are 23 of you ordering drinks and food as fast as I can get them to you while I am also dealing with other customers at my bar, you and your friends are getting one check. Not 2, not 3, not 23, but one big fat check. Period. If you and your hard-drinking cohorts can't figure out the basic math of what each of you owe and complain, whine, or bitch about the situation, each one of you will be required to stick one of your hands in an operating blender, and then cut my lemons, limes and oranges for the rest of the day. (Don't worry...eventually those bloodcurdling screams you emit will go away as you lose your voice....)

9. Free drinks are special things I do for customers I like and who have been a pleasure to deal with. They are not a right, a privelege, or an entitlement. If I do not give you a free drink, that is your problem, not mine. If you whine about getting something for nothing; or worse, if I DO get you a free drink, and you whine about that drink that you are not paying for, the penalty will be twofold: (A) You have to wear a t-shirt that says "I AM A CHEAP WHINEY BASTARD" for the rest of your vacation, and (B) you will only be allowed to go to the bars that no one else wants to go to anymore, that are no fun, and that are past their prime. You know...the kind of place that you probably frequent back home.

10. If you dine and/or drink at my establishment, enjoy the food, drinks, and service, and leave me a lousy tip, you will be confined for the rest of your stay to a beach with fat pale German tourists in speedos.


Thank you, Zero...you are my new Hero! (And you get a free drink if ever you are in my bar!)

[Becks]

If you do not have what the state deems to be acceptable ID and you give me attitude about asking you for it in the first place, I will be allowed to take the largest bottle of the spirit you requested and forcibly sodomize you with it. For my sake, I hope you are a fan of something in an oddly shaped bottle!


I really don't think that the administration and moderators of our fine board look highly upon enforced sodomy.

That's a funny, evil thought, though. I may have an occasion to say such a thing at some point.

[Jester]

Hey, I said that that is one of the new laws I would want enacted...this is all about laws we wish were in place, right? Can't I dream just a wee bit? :D

[Moirae]

There should be a law against religious prostelitizing. If I wanted to know, I'd ask you about your religion.

[Naaman]

Any time the SC uses "I know my rights" when they clearly don't (Mis priced stock, returns etc) they're forced to study, for a period of no less than one month, the relevant consumer laws, sales acts and local legisalation and pass a test at the end of it.

[Geminii]

you yell at me how it isn't my job to raise your kid

"Well, someone's gotta do it, and it sure looks like it ain't you today."