Am I less than human?

[RayvenQ]

About a year ago, my nan died, when I heard the news i felt...nothing, absoloutley nothing at all it was like I was totally disconnected from the news, from then until and on from now, I still feel nothing about her death. I also feel bad about not visiting her in the last months of her life but I know i wouldn't have been able to bear seeing her as she was in the hospital but I know my nan would forgive me for that.

Now, before her death, for several months she had Alzheimers and was slowly losing her mind, though she had moments of clarity, which I will tell you one later. Because of this, both me and my mum agreed that my nan had died long before her physical death.

Am I less than human for feeling nothing?

Part of me wants to rationalise it as my mind forcing myself to feel nothing so that I could be a pillar of strength for the rest of my family, my cousins who are all younger than me AND my aunts and uncles as well.

Now, on to the lighter side of things.

In one of her moments of Clarity she was with one of the psychological nurses and the nurse had asked her to write a letter, so my nan starts writing down the names of my cousins and I but the nurse interruped her saying that she said a letter not a list, nevertheless my nan kept on writing, finishing off what she was writing with "please come and visit me soon" Sadly I didn't as I have previously alluded to.

Another few moments of hilarity were at the funeral itself, my nan would have been roaring with laughter.

As we're carrying her coffin into the church, on a trolley rather than pallbearers so that my younger cousins could join me and my older cousins taking her in. Somehow the trolley with the coffin on...got away from us and started heading down the slight incline on its own, I'm sure my nan had something to do with that.

Anyway, we manage to get into the church, all of us, my nan included, and as we're going out, wheeling my nan out to take her to the Crematorium, music starts playing, not just any music but the Rendition of "Is this the way to Amerillo" I even knew it was coming but couldn't help myself, I ended up cracking into a grin, which, both the music and me grinning, my nan would have loved.

And so my nan got cremated whilst Time to Say Goodbye by Sarah Brightman.

I know I'm not all wired up properly in my head (nothing serious though) but I didn't expect that the death of a close family member would not affect me at all, I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me channel out my worries.

[draggar]

About a year ago, my nan died, when I heard the news i felt...nothing, absoloutley nothing at all it was like I was totally disconnected from the news, from then until and on from now, I still feel nothing about her death. I also feel bad about not visiting her in the last months of her life but I know i wouldn't have been able to bear seeing her as she was in the hospital but I know my nan would forgive me for that.

Now, before her death, for several months she had Alzheimers and was slowly losing her mind, though she had moments of clarity, which I will tell you one later. Because of this, both me and my mum agreed that my nan had died long before her physical death.

Am I less than human for feeling nothing?

I'm the same way. When my grandmother died, I felt nothing. When my wife's grandfather died (he was also the grandfather I never had), I also felt nothing.

Sure, I knew I would miss them but I didn't feel sorrow for them, I didn't get in a depression for them, I knew that their life was over, I wouldn't see them anymore, and there wasn't anything I couldn't do about it.

Hell, I even, to a point, consider funerals and mourning quite selfish. It's all about how it will affect YOU. How YOU'LL never see them again. How awful for YOU, you're still alive to enjoy this life, they're not.

I guess I'm less human, too, then.

[blas]

You cannot punish yourself or keep doing this to yourself. You will just be overcome with guilt that you shouldn't feel. Everyone grieves differently. It's just one of the many things that makes us unique. Some people take weeks, months, years....others can get on with life moments later. Just remember how much you loved your Nanna, and know that she loved you too. In Heaven, no one has Alzheimers or holds grudges, or is angry with anyone.

Although at times I do regret what I did as a kid. My great grandpa had cancer and was really, really sick. He was also losing his mind, and because of that, he was unbearably rude and horrible all the time towards me. Anything I said or did set him off. I lost count of how many times he spanked me or slapped me or put me in a closet for time out, yet loved my little brother to death. At his funeral, I said "I'm glad gumpa died." Of course now, 13 years later, I regret it. I understand he was very sick and didn't know how to handle anything anymore.......and that when his mind was functioning, he did care for me. But I know that he's up there in Heaven and he forgives me and he's a young man again who doesn't feel anything but love and hope.

[RayvenQ]

Se blas (and I don't mean to offend you by this) but I don't have religion to turn to, nor do I believe in heaven, Yes I went to the church, but not for the service, only for my family and the fact that it was my nans funeral.

[Evil Queen]

Could just mean you weren't as close to your Nan as you thought so it didn't bother you the same as it did others.

When my grandfather died I was okay until we got to the funeral. Then I sniffled a lot with tears running down my cheeks (not bawling mind you, that was my grandmother). It wasn't until long afterwards (a few months) did I break down. Badly. He had wanted to take me fishing shortly before he got sick and I chose not to. It made him sad and I wish I could go back and fish with him ever since.

RetailWorkhorse read a book while waiting for services and didn't seem to be upset at all. Honestly, he was in the right. Papa (grandfather) wouldn't have wanted us to cry at his passing but that's what we did.

[RayvenQ]

No, I was close to my nan and vice versa considering I was her first grandson.

[Evil Queen]

No, I was close to my nan and vice versa considering I was her first grandson.

Well, either way it doesn't mean you're less human. You're just in more control of your emotions then the rest of myself us.

[Talon]

... both me and my mum agreed that my nan had died long before her physical death.

Am I less than human for feeling nothing?

Re-read the first sentence. There's your answer.

What is life? Is it simply a pulse beat? Or is it what we think and feel, what we do? How we touch the lives of those around us?

Without those, that's the real death, at least that's how I feel. But how do you mourn that? I guess the reality is more tangible when the person's pulse ceases.

So no, you're not less human. Perhaps in time you'll feel something, but don't beat yourself up just because those pesky human emotions aren't responding quite as expected.

[Evil Queen]

Wow Talon. That was very poetic.

*claps*

[marasbaras]

Am I less than human for feeling nothing?

No. You are human for questioning yourself.

[blas]

Absolutely no offense taken. Just trying to help you feel better.

But the point still remains, you are not less than human nor scum.

[Emrld]

Everyone deals with death in their own way.

It sounds like you had a good realtionship with your Nan. She wanted those around her to be happy. (the trolley and music making you smile)
Following that logic . . .you are honoring her by not going into a major deep funk over her passing.

What is important is that you know she loved you, you made it clear to her you loved her during her lucid moments.

Keep her memories in your mind and her love in your heart.

If you deep down feel you need to do something. . . .Decide what lesson that was taught to you by her has the largest impact on your life to this point and honor that lesson. (this can be done by giving of time or money to a charity that embodies this, or passing the lesson on to someone else in your life)

[Geek King]

Rayven, did you ever think that the reason you didn't feel anything was because you had already said goodbye?

I lost my great-grandmother under similar circumstances, mind going, health going. At the end, she thought I was my father (her grandson) most of the time, and couldn't care for herself much at all. I had much the same reaction to her death because I had already mourned for the great lady I once knew. I did some introspection about it too, but came to my own conclusions. My mourning had come years before, when we had to move her to a full-care facility once she couldn't even clean herself. I try not to remember the last couple of years, when she became rude, and even downright mean. Instead, I remember the lady who would make au gratin potatoes for a bored great-grandson on Saturdays while the rest of the family worked in the shop.

I hope this helps some.

[protege]

I don't remember crying when my grandfather died in '89, even though his death was pretty sudden. My grandparents and I were always pretty close--being the first grandkid, and living about an hour north. I spent quite a bit of time at their house, and even lived there for a few years while in college.

It's been nearly 20 years, and I still miss him, mainly his smartass wit, the things he did for me, his stories, etc. After he was gone though, I realized that I was lucky to have known him. Soooo as long as I remember those things, he'll never truly be gone.

As to my great-grandmothers...I don't remember them much at all. One died when I was 2, so I don't even remember what she looked like. Another spent years in a nursing home, and died in '88...about 9 months before her son. All I remember about her, is that she was hooked up to a respirator and lived to be 90. However, I remember that my dad's grandmother lived to be 103...and was still playing shuffleboard into her early 90s! Sadly, she had no clue who I was, or what was going on.

Some of you know that I lost a good friend to cancer about 10 years ago. After seeing what he went through, cancer fucking sucks. This was a guy who had his own investment business, took care of his house, cars, etc....but then suddenly couldn't even walk across a room without help :cry: What was hard, was seeing him like that. That was *not* the guy I knew! However, he tried to stay upbeat about it...even after he could no longer walk. Shortly after he died, I remember talking with his wife...and she said she was glad it was over. As much as it sucked to lose him (this was a guy who would do anything to help someone...but also kick your ass if you screwed him over...), at least he's at peace now :(

[Toujin]

When my Aunt Norma died, I didn't cry because I'd already resigned myself to the fact that she wouldn't be around much longer. Plus, she was one of those types who always put others before herself, and I don't think she'd want me to be so broken up over her death. If I know that someone is probably going to die soon, I mentally prepare myself beforehand.

[draftermatt]

I've been thinking a lot about this myself.

I've never cried at a funeral, or really over the person being dead. I'm sad that I won't see them anymore, etc. like we all get, but I've never cried.

The only time I cried for my grandfather was when I talked to him. I knew he wouldn't answer, but I just asked the wind "why did you have to die" and the like and it made me sad that I wouldn't get an answer.

I cried over my grandmother a good bit more, but it was the same thing really. I was talking to the wind. Her death hurt a lot more because she was a vegetable for the last few months, and I hated seeing her like that. So even though her death was a relief in some aspects, it was bitter sweet knowing she was "living" that way.

I stopped crying and really stopped mourning after I had a very vivid dream about my grandmother. I won't go into it (as most people don't care I'm sure).

But the fact is everyone mourns in different ways, we all do what we feel is best for us.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

both me and my mum agreed that my nan had died long before her physical death.

Am I less than human for feeling nothing?

Not at all. In fact, that's how I've felt about both my grandpa and grandma who died.

My grandparents on my mom's side of the family used to have a summer home on a sizable piece of land in Door County, Wisconsin. There Grandma would tend to her gardens and Grandpa would do all the yard work and do his woodworking. The property got to be too much for them so they sold it and moved to their winter home in Florida permanently.

After that he went downhill pretty fast. I guess part of it was not having those things to keep him busy anymore.

As for my grandma on my dad's side, she was coming with Alzheimer's and nobody in the family was able to care for her 24/7 so she went to a nursing home, and from then on I saw her only very seldom. Then she ended up in the hospital a couple times until she died.

For me, I think it would definitely be harder to deal with a sudden death, which neither of those were.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I think that the fact that you are worried about it would seem to indicate that you are, indeed, human.

[Andara Bledin]

Am I less than human for feeling nothing?

As mentioned, the fact that you even question this is proof of your humanity.

Also, it seems apparent that you don't feel nothing, precisely. You just don't feel a particular sense of grief enough to cause you to break down.

I've only once cried due to a person's death, and that was more caused by other stressors in my life than by his death. I've cried more over the death of my last cat than anyone/thing else. Every other time I've cried related to someone's death, it has been an empathetic reaction for those who are left behind rather than any grief on my own part.

My old boss passed away last November. He was a great guy. He could be a bit shortsighted in understanding other people's points of view, but he never begrudged them. When I consider his death, I have some regrets about things that were left undone, and I do miss him a bit, but I'm not particularly affected.

However, the bosslady was very close to him and had worked with him for something close to 40 years. They were friends as well as coworkers. For the first few months, especially when dealing with the purchase of the company from the widow, she would break down regularly. Any time I worked with her (which is most of the time as my desk is right outside her office) and she was feeling emotional, I would be as well because it pains me to know the people around me are unhappy.

The dead are beyond unhappiness and pain. I cherish the memories I have with them, but my tears seem to be reserved for the living.

^-.-^

[edible_hat]

When my maternal grandmother died, nobody in my family really felt anything (or if they did they didn't talk about it or show it, and we tend to talk about our feelings a lot. I think that's why there's only one divorcee among my grandmother's 5 children and 11 grandchildren.)

By the end we had people visiting grandma at least three times a day, and doing everything for her. She was very frail both physically and mentally (the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen was grandma looking at her own children and unable to think of their names). So I think we did all our mourning long before she physically died.


My paternal grandmother, on the other hand, was mourned for weeks. She died suddenly of a stroke. No warning or anything. One day she was trying to force-feed me and my siblings the way eastern european grandmothers do, the next my aunt found her dead in the lounge room.