Death in the family??

[monolayth]

So my mother told me a couple days ago that her step mother was dying. Big deal. I have met the woman twice in my life. There is bad blood there seeing as she and her husband (my actual grandfather) were horribly abusive to my mother. I could go into details here but think that the word horrible is enough and to let you know that skinning them and dropping them in vats of salt is too good for them.

When my mother's father died when I was 16 I was upset for long enough to make sure it was the one i disliked not my awesome grand father from my father. I was actually happy and felt like throwing a party. I know makes me a horrid person but well, his death made the world a better place.

Mom's family and her step mother in particular only call my mom when they need money or somoene is dying.

What I dont get is why my mother cares at all that this woman was dying and has died. She is going to the funeral even though she never talks to anyone. and she hated that woman. I just dont understand.

Am I cold hearted?

[worddork]

Am I cold hearted?

No. Your mother may be going because she feels a sense of duty. That as a member of this woman's family she must make an appearance even if she hated her.

If you hated your step-grandmother that mush, when everyone has left, dance on her freshly dug grave and pour salt over it so nothing can grow there and to keep that witch from coming back.:devil:

[monolayth]

I have not stepped foot in the state she is in since I was 13. She is not important enough for me to bother trying to track gown her grave to dance on it.

[edible_hat]

What I dont get is why my mother cares at all that this woman was dying and has died. She is going to the funeral even though she never talks to anyone. and she hated that woman. I just dont understand.

Maybe it's the reason my grandmother's funeral was so well attended - people wanted to make sure she was really dead.

[dispatch]

I'm going to vote with worddork on this one, it's probably a duty/family thing and people dying, even the ones who wronged you, can set off some strange emotions. It could be out of need for closure, etc.

if you want to celebrate, give me a call on your days off, I'd hate to pass up an excuse to have a beer with a friend ;)

[tropicsgoddess]

What I dont get is why my mother cares at all that this woman was dying and has died. She is going to the funeral even though she never talks to anyone. and she hated that woman. I just dont understand.

Am I cold hearted?

Nah, I don't think so. She's only attending the funeral because of she feels it is her duty as a step-daughter, despite how abusive she was to your mom. Have a party and some drinks and play something like shall we say...."Celebration" by Kool and the Gang or "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" . :devil:

[Talon]

I don't get families either.

A few years ago one of my relatives died. He was a rude wife-beating jackass by all accounts. But at his funeral, the way everyone (including the beaten widow) was crying their eyes out, you'd think he was the second coming of Mahatma Ghandi. I was disgusted by the pretentiousness of it, but I attended and kept my mouth shut. I saw the body, didn't feel a thing. Not worth the effort.

Was I cold-hearted? Of course, and I'm not going to apologize for it either. We can't always be made of sweetness and light, sometimes we have to be badasses. Such is life.

[patiokitty]

I think it could also be a way to provide closure on a less than pleasant chapter of life. That's the only reason I'd go to certain family members' funerals. Well, and to make sure they are well and truly dead.

[Eben56]

Death is an extraordinarily private and individualized process.

When a person we love dies, we grieve. What is not always obvious outside the immediate circle is how much the victim loved the deceased.

It is not our position to question, condemn, or convict anyone for their feelings on the death of another.

I had a father who was very abusive in my childhood (never physical). In our later years we made peace with each other. He was just continuing the treatment he had received from his father, Someone had to break the chain. That was up to me.

"The evil that men do live on, the good is oft incurred with the bones" JC by Shakespeare.

What we often forget is that we remember the abusive person and everyone else is remembering the person they knew.

I guess my elder sage advice would be that you need to grieve or not grieve as you see fit.. But please remember that funerals and memorials are for the people who are still alive. Please tell the surviving relatives what they want to hear, and if you really need to, go piss on their grave when they are not looking. I know I have a dose of asparagus piss waiting for my MIL. (Did I say that?)

There is no such thing as correct or incorrect feelings after death.

[monolayth]

My mother told me over messenger about this whole thing. I guess because she knows my feelings. I have never approved of my mother even talking to the woman because my mom would be upset for a while everytime. I was supportive and told her that I was sorry for her loss and to call if she needs anything. I know it does not sound like a mother/daugher relationship ont his but I know it is what she needed. She was a wreck after her father died.

Although I think some of that has to do with the fact she left my father a week before. I am unafraid of what is going to happen in Texas this time. My mother married a wonderful man who will shild her from that toxic enviroment.

I guess family is a thing I shall never quite understand. My father joined the military when I was 2. and all sence of family slipped away. I know they are all quite close except for this family unit. And we are not that close. my brother lives in st louis my mom in ft wayne and my father in north carolina. People who are close to their family baffles me.

Mabey that is whyt he whole her even going does not comput for me. In my life just because you are family does not mean I have to ever be around you or like you.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Wow, Eben56. Great post. :) I don't think I've read anything from you before this, so if you're new, welcome. Nice to meetcha.

One of my best friend's maternal grandmother was a hateful, verbally abusive, toxic old biddy. When she died, my friend did go to the funeral out of respect for her mother. She was not in any kind of way grieving, she was just trying to respect her family.

The pallbearers fumbled and dropped the coffin on one end and the old bitch kind of fell out a bit then flopped back in.

Yes. In the words of Dante Hicks, "She fell out of her fucking coffin."

My friend had to go excuse herself because she was overcome with emotion.

And by emotion I mean pee-your-pants laughter.

He brother found her over by a wall outside, sobbing and doubled over. He tried to comfort her (my friend's brothers are neither one all that bright.) He thought she was crying. I guess in a way, she was. She had tears in her eyes, all right.

I couldn't make this stuff up. I told my friend she really should write a book. Her life...man!

So, hey, she may not be going because she's paying respect to the deceased. She might be paying respect to someone who's still alive.

Or maybe she's just hoping the body will get desecrated in some hilarious way. :D

[derangedperson]

Nah, I don't think so. She's only attending the funeral because of she feels it is her duty as a step-daughter, despite how abusive she was to your mom. Have a party and some drinks and play something like shall we say...."Celebration" by Kool and the Gang or "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" . :devil:

Or "Fuck You" by Damageplan.

[protege]

There's an uncle in my family (I've posted about him before...he's my mother's older brother)...that most people can't stand. However, we have to tolerate him as not to upset Grandma. However, even she is starting to see the light. Her mind may be failing, but she sees him for what he really is...an asshole.

He was an asshole before, but since he became "born again," it's gotten worse. The last time he was down, he and his family spent the entire weekend in their little "bible study group," totally ignoring both Grandma and I :wtf: He calls her once a year, and comes to see her with the same frequency.

That changed after her farm was sold--Uncle Fucka (appropriate name, no?) apparently thought he'd be getting a piece of that. Needless to say, he was pissed when my mother (who has power of attorney) told him to fuck off because the cash was going towards Grandma's long-term care :lol:

But, the thing that *really* pissed me off, was when he questioned my brother's integrity. Apparently, my brother was at her place, when U.F. showed up for a visit. U.F. went home, after acting like a douchebag for a few hours. Brother came home, told my mother...who promptly called U.F. on his actions.

U.F. said that my brother was a liar, and nothing he says should be taken seriously because of his past. When I heard that, I was a bit pissed. My brother isn't perfect, I'll give him that one...but to question his integrity...especially when two of your own kids are losers? Pardon my French, but are you fucking kidding me?

I've posted about U.F.'s kids before. His oldest, a son...has had multiple run-ins with the police, was thrown out of college because of it. This idiot walked out on his wife and 3 kids, can't hold a job etc. Next in line, is a daughter. She went into the Army because U.F. wouldn't help her with college. (As a side note, she's a single mother--something U.F. has a serious problem with. However, because she's his kid, it's OK :confused:) Next in line, is another daughter. She's middle management at some store. Lastly, we have the last daughter. She's actually going to school for photography, and doesn't appear to be making the same mistakes her siblings did.

I got pissed over what U.F. said, since who the hell is he to question *anyone's* integrity...when his own kids aren't perfect, and he has to hide behind religion to justify being an asshole. He's already drawn the wrath of a few people over that--after Grandma's 1994 auto accident, he said something like "As a good Christian, I don't want to see the guy punished," Trust me, it took all I had not to jump over the hospital cafeteria table, and pummel the fuck out of him :angel:

When he finally keels over, I'll go to the funeral. Not for him, but to support my cousins and the rest of the family.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My mom didn't have a good relationship with her stepmother. I never met the woman...my grandfather died when I was little and left me some jewelry that belonged to my grandmother (my mom's mother, who died when my mom was 21). I was supposed to get the jewelry when my step-grandmother died (why he didn't just will it directly to me, or my mom, I'll never know). At this point we can only assume she has died by now, and who knows what her kids did with that jewelry...I just know I'll never see it.

[wagegoth]

I think previous generations, even mine (I'm a boomer), were brought up to make an appearance "for the family's sake." But with the "me" generation, and people moving away from their families, and the general separating of generations, I think we've gotten away from it. And I think in many ways it's better.

When my stepgrandmother died, I sent flowers, skipped the funeral and went to work. The flowers were only because I cared about my stepdad and some of his family. The dead harpy would have rotted on landfill, if I'd had my druthers. She'd been evil and cruel to me because I was a stepchild. She was selfish and self-centered and demanding. Most of her children are screwed up messes.

It was the best decision I made. I skip most funerals now. If I didn't care about them, I don't go. If someone I care about cared about them, I'll send flowers and a card. That's it. I'm just sorry someone is wasting money on preserving their stinking carcasses.

[draftermatt]

I too think it's a generational thing. When I was a kid my Dad only went to viewings/funerals for close family or friends. Now he goes to everyone's viewings if we are remotley related. He only started it after his father died, so I think he feels like he has to represent his family.