Sad stuff I'm not sure how to handle...

[BookstoreEscapee]

Background (what I know): My roommate and I have lived together since November; we met last summer through roommates.com, so we've only known each other for about a year now. We get along well, we hang out in the evenings, watch a lot of the same shows, talk about our day, share the weird news and whatnot that we come across. I wouldn't say we're "close" friends, but we're doing pretty well.

I have only met her parents a few times; her dad I think I've only met once, maybe twice. I knew he was being treated for cancer, and has had recent chemo, but she didn't talk about it too much and I didn't want to ask too many questions. The last couple weeks he's been in the hospital (for a few days, went home, then went back) because of severe dehydration. He went home but he wasn't eating much and went back a few days later.

Yesterday evening she got a message from her mom, and said "I have to leave." The message said she needed to go over to their house right away, and sounded like her mom was crying. She came back around 10pm, and said "He's dying." The doctors said the cancer has overtaken his liver, and they sent him home with hospice care, and expect maybe he'll have another week or so.

She said that she honestly was sort of expecting it, but her mother was not prepared for it. She left a note that he seems a little more disoriented than he had been, and that she'll be staying there as long as her mom needs her to.

I never know how to handle these sorts of things. I barely know her parents (honestly I probably wouldn't recognize them if I passed them on the street); I just don't know what to say or do for her. I know in reality there really isn't much I can do. I told her that if she needs me to do anything to let me know, and when I left this morning I left a note on our white board to call if she needs anything. I just feel bad.

I don't know if I'm really looking for advice, here. I guess I just needed to get it out.

[Bandit]

That's the best thing you can do, BSE - be there if they ask.

And even if they don't ask, something as simple as a pot of soup for the family, perhaps doing roomie laundry, or offering to do a bit of the families' yard work can make a huge difference.

I know - I was in your rommie's position with my mom.

:hug: to both.

B

[BookstoreEscapee]

Thanks.

I think she needs the hugs more than I do, though.

[Evil Queen]

Just be there for when she gets back to the house (apartment?). Be there for incase she needs to talk, needs a shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing. Hell, when my grandfather died I needed comfort foods because I didn't eat much for a few weeks.

When my dog died, SO made me hot meals for when I got home from work (I was a mess for weeks).




So I don't get any flack for it; I'd had my dog for a very long time and loved her very much, thank yo uvery much. If you don't like it you can suck it up and not say anything mean about it.

[The Gatekeeper]

My advice? Don't offer to do anything, if you are not prepared to do it.
If she does ask for help, then if it's reasonable, even if it's inconvenient, then do it. She really wouldn't ask if she didn't need the help.

Been there, done that.

[AdminAssistant]

Taking the family food is nice....but wait. After Mom's masectomy, we had a FLOOD of food - you name it, some nice church lady brought it. After two days, that was it. (Not complaining one bit, we lived off of it for a week.) You just might want to wait, or take them some easy-to-prepare stuff that will last for a while.

Just be there for your roomie. That's the biggest thing.

[Listerfiend]

When I was still living in the dorm at school my roommate's father was having severe health issues (he had a hole in his heart, and he was in and out of the hospital for months on end until, well, you can guess). It was difficult for her because it started around finals in November/December, and her father ended up passing away over winter break. With finals it was extraordinarily difficult for her, and I did my best to support her and help her with advice on how to explain the situation to her professors (I might add that she was a great student, but considered finishing the semester because she thought that her profs might not understand; i told her that she should tell them about everything and to do incompletes, which worked out for her and her family.) I'll admit--I'm not too good of a person when it comes to emotional distress, but I did what i could for her--ran errands for her, got homework info from her profs in the beginning stages, and gave her space when she needed it (she said that it's nice that all of her friends were being so sweet to her, but it can all be a bit much so she appreciated the bit of alone time she had.) When the next semester started she had moved into the dorm next to ours so I ended up with a single. Over winter break her father ended up passing away, and on one day the first week we came back from break I stopped by her new dorm and we talked for a long time. She said that being able to talk about all the drama just to let it all out was a relief. I guess her new roommate was caught up in her own problems and wasn't able to sit for a while and be an ear for my old roommate (not to say that *all* vapid valley girls are unsympathetic...). The whole situation was more difficult because I guess the staff at the hospital was unaccommodating and cold. I guess they messed up some things, too, but it's been years and hard to recall exactly what happened. It was such a blow because her father had been in such excellent health, in addition to being an all-around great person (he was known in the area for being an excellent doctor, and he often didn't charge for services if he knew certain patients were going through rough times or were homeless). Her entire family is extremely warm, loving, and giving like that, and it was so difficult for everyone...

I know it's long and rambly, and I don't really have any real advice. But all I can say is that I've been there, and it's a hard kind of situation for all parties involved. I just want to offer my support to you and your roommate BookstoreEscapee.

[erasily_ani]

My suggestion would be to make sure they have food and "things" they need. When people are going through that much emotionally and physically, even something as simple as going to the store can be too much. Maybe ask your roommate if there are errands you can run? Or take over casseroles or meals that can be put in the freezer and heated easily? That way the family doesn't have to think or cook.

But mainly, just be there. Your roommate's gonna have a rough time. It's okay to be sad, with her and for her. She may want to be strong in public, but make sure she knows there's somewhere she can break and she doesn't have to be strong for anyone.

It's a good thing to have and to know.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Well, he passed away late Tuesday night. I got email yesterday from her telling me (and her other friends); then I got another telling me she offered her bedroom and an airbed in the living room to her friends who are coming down from Massachusetts. I imagine she won't be staying here at all until after the funeral. She said her friends would stay in a hotel if I was uncomfortable with it but I've met them before, and especially under the circumstances, I don't mind. I doubt they'll be over here much beyond sleeping at night, anyway.

The viewing is Sunday and the funeral is Monday. I can't go to the funeral but I'm going to stop by the viewing in the evening (it's 2 hours in the afternoon and then 2 hours in the evening). I have plans in the afternoon, and I can't take off on Monday (Mondays are busy at work and my coworker isn't going to be there next week, so I am doubly unable to take off unless it's a personal emergency. Seeing as how it's not my family, I don't think this qualifies. I doubt she'd expect me to go to the funeral anyway).

I did tell her if she needs anything to let me know. I don't really feel comfortable intruding at their house (I've never even been there). Her uncles came down from NY to help with arrangements, and she said she and her mom are doing OK (as well as can be expected). I haven't talked to or seen her since Monday. I am making sure her flowers on the balcony are getting watered and let her know her cell phone bill came so she doesn't miss anything important. Tonight I'm going to straighten up the apartment a bit so her friends don't think we're complete slobs.

[NimrodJess]

So I don't get any flack for it; I'd had my dog for a very long time and loved her very much, thank yo uvery much. If you don't like it you can suck it up and not say anything mean about it.


I once fostered a kitten for a little over 4 hours before he passed... and I was STILL a mess over it for weeks.

You'll catch no flack from me, I'm an animal guru. :D

[NimrodJess]

I couldn't agree more with most of the previous responders. Just be there as much as possible for her. Either do, or get something small that reminds her that she, as well as her family, are in your thoughts.

:hug: to all involved, yourself included. Sometimes people don't hug their support circle enough, and even more often, you don't realize who your support circle is until you need them.

[dispatch]

I know it's been said before, but send food.

this is important for two reasons; cooking gets you moving, creating/releasing endorphins, and, of course, homemade comfort food for the grieving.

My mom jokingly calls me "gorilla" because anytime the family needs help with heavy lifting I get called, when there's a death in the family I have estate-wrangling and pall-bearing detail (I can load trucks/trailers, pack storage units, and look good in a suit when I need to), some of my favorite family friends are the ones that send the best food on these occaisions because after a day or two of packing a house where everything in it reminds you of the recently departed and those further up the family tree are having their breakdowns and heated arguments over who gets what and why, a plate of warm lasagna and copious amounts of pumpkin pie are the greatest gift anyone could give next to alcohol.