An etiquette question

[evilhomer]

Warning: there will be some sad and depressing information that I'll be writing about within the first couple of sentences. Turn back now of you think it will disturb you





There's one question that I thought everyone knows to never ask a woman but apparently I'm wrong. That question is "Are you pregnant?" or the more presumptuous "When are you due?" I think a comdian put it best, "You never, eeeever ask this question... only if you actually see a baby exiting the birth canal do you even think of mentioning it; and at that point you may only ask IF she's expecting."

So the reason I'm asking about this is because my wife is putting up with this question. She was recently pregnant and hasn't worked off the baby bump. The fact that we lost our baby eight months into the pregnancy makes this an extremely difficult question to deal with. I know that everyone means well, it looks like it should be the happiest thing in our lives, they have no way to know that it's the most painful experience we've ever had to deal with, and still are dealing with. And that's pretty much exactly my point, they don't know.

Common courtesy, common decency, common intelligence says that you don't ask this question. Even for someone who hasn't had the tragedy that we're dealing with, it's an extremely hurtful question. Yet it was something we had to deal with a half dozen times on a recent vacation intended to help us get over our loss. "Please don't ask about that" clued most of them in but there was one in particular that's got me pissed. She actually had the nerve to argue that my wife was pregnant, it took a menacing "shut the fuck up" to get rid of her. I regret not laying into her worse but my wife was in tears at this point so I had to help her.

Anyways, that's a little venting I had to get rid of. So were these dumbasses the exception, or am I wrong in assuming that it's common knowledge to never make an assumption and ask this question?

[Evil Queen]

My option isn't on your voting list. But I tend to go by a woman's personality then how she looks if she's pregnant. My Co-worker Preggers M was short tempered and moody and was easily hurt over the oddest things -- she could take some stranger yelling at her but couldn't take it when a co-worker was nice and swapped the security tapes over or brought her a money book to sign after counting down the drawer. She's break down and cry then.

[boringscreenname]

I have never asked someone. I'm expecting in 2 weeks and no one has ever asked me if I was pregnant, or when I was due either, maybe I've just been lucky though.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

[evilhomer]

My option isn't on your voting list. But I tend to go by a woman's personality then how she looks if she's pregnant.

I didn't think of that option, but it's a good point. Really though I'm thinking more along the lines of someone you don't know, just a stranger that you're crossing paths with and basing the assumption of the physical appearance.

[Evil Queen]

Ah. Okay. Well, I'm not dumb enough to go off looks unless it happens to be someone eating ice cream and pickles.

I'm sure your wife will loose the baby bump in a couple more weeks or maybe a couple more months. Then you won't have to worry about it. Unless they start asking "So when you you two going to have kids?"

Then you can kick them. Better yet, can I kick them?

[Lachrymose]

I have never asked and I never will. EVER..seriously. It's totally rude although some people may not give it a second thought.

I like to live by the "never say anything unless you see the baby coming out of the birth canal that second" credo.

[evilhomer]

Ah. Okay. Well, I'm not dumb enough to go off looks unless it happens to be someone eating ice cream and pickles.

I'm sure your wife will loose the baby bump in a couple more weeks or maybe a couple more months. Then you won't have to worry about it. Unless they start asking "So when you you two going to have kids?"

Then you can kick them. Better yet, can I kick them?

Hey, there's plenty of moron to pass around, we can all kick them :D



But yeah, you have raised part II of this rant. It's none of your g****mn f***ing business when we're having kids.

[AnqeiicDemise]

After starting this job, I gained about forty pounds. I went from being extremely active (but curvy) to sitting in my ass all day .... and am now voluptious.

TMI ahead:

I'm five eight and have 38k bewbs. I also got a booty to match and that's something I've always had to deal with -- the stares, the obnoxious cat-calls, the over all hatred of flat-chested he-shes (i.e. women so flat they look like little boys). Hell, I even had a drunken gay guy allover my chest proclaiming its beauty and muttering "If you reduce them, it'd be like slapping God in the face. You have the elusive 'mandingo' of boobies, girl, WORK IT!" -- yeah, I was totally weirded out by that one. --

I went from being five eight with 38k boobs and booty with relatively small gut to just.... its just there. I hate it. (I'm also changing my eating habits and forcing myself to work out just to get rid of the extra pounds that make me feel unhealthy).

So *massive* boobs + gut = pregnancy.

On with the story:

I was at wynco the other day (wow. Most my horror stories start at that store!) and some woman kept staring at me, sporting my new and spiffy sun dress. Its this sheer little number with an imperial waist and it has a quite slimming demeanor on such body types as it brings most of the emphasis on the Girls. However, imperial waists are also a pregnancy fashion nowadays.

She comes up to me, puts her hand on my gut and asks me when I'm expecting.

I stared at her for a moment and she asked again. I felt my face redden and my eyes sting as I pulled away and responded with "No, I'm not pregnant... JUST FAT! Horrendously and disgustingly FAT. THANK YOU FOR RUINING A SKINNY DAY WOMAN!"

......

I really don't know what I would have done had I not only been fat and not preggo, but recently misscarried. I think that busybody would have walked away with a watermelon for her head and a keilbasa shoved where the sun don't shine. >.<

[AnqeiicDemise]

Ah. Okay. Well, I'm not dumb enough to go off looks unless it happens to be someone eating ice cream and pickles.


True story:

I have the taste buds of a pregnant woman.

My husband jokes that he'll start worrying about a Hell Spawn the day he sees me eating like a normal human being. (Yes, I find pickles and ice cream an absolutely delicious combination. I guess that doesn't help the fake-preggo belly I have going on now does it? >.>)

[evilhomer]

She comes up to me, puts her hand on my gut and asks me when I'm expecting.

Not only asking the unaskable question, but actually laying a greasy paw on your body?!? :eek:

Yet another shovelful of dirt on the grave of my faith in humanity.


I don't think I'd be able to hold it in if that happened.

[Evil Queen]

I have the taste buds of a pregnant woman.

It's the salty-sweet combo. Me, I think I would crave mustard more then I already do (not pregnant, just weird. I crave mustard around 2:30am. Every day).

[One-Fang]

EH, I'm sorry for you and your wife's loss.

I never ask that question. I visited our vets recently and the nurse at the desk serving me appeared to be pregnant. When I say appeared to be, we could be talking 7/8 months here, not 4/5. She even said as she moved to the chair nearest me "I'll just waddle over here". Odd thing to say if you're not.

I didn't bring it up. Didn't ask. Didn't touch. Didn't congratulate. Her business.

It is horribly rude to bring it up, unless the woman is clearly very very pregnant. If a woman looked about to drop I might consider mentioning it. If your wife's baby bump is that big still, I would expect the odd stranger or two to mention it. They don't know the difference between "losing bump after baby has died" and "about to drop a healthy baby", and it is *typical* that a clearly pregnant woman is in a period of joy. As distressing as your time is right now, it's relatively unexpected.

However, if the bump has gone down to the "is she isn't she?" look, then it would be completely inappropriate if anyone still mentions it, IMHO.

I have no advice to offer as to what to say that won't make you or your wife feel worse. I suspect a quick "We were but we lost the baby and are trying to get over it now" might shut them up quick, but it also might not, and might be too hard to say. I've never been there.

[AnqeiicDemise]

Not only asking the unaskable question, but actually laying a greasy paw on your body?!? :eek:

Yet another shovelful of dirt on the grave of my faith in humanity.


I don't think I'd be able to hold it in if that happened.

Yeah, the hubs wanted to kill her. He's trying *so hard* to make me feel pretty and beat the low self esteem that came with the extra poundage. There are days (Fat Days) where all I want to do is just lay there and cry -- which, coincidentally, had been the night before.

He had just literally spent a whole 24 hours tending to my wounded esteem. He had specifically picked out that dress for me to wear because it makes me feel pretty and commended me on how nice my hair looked and in a matter of two seconds that busybody just ruined it.


I'm sure that's how you feel at times too. Its how I felt when my sister had her first miscarriage (just me and her boyfriend at the time knew). I'd spend hours trying to get her to see the brighter side of life just so that some idiot could just sink her right back to that miserable hell hole.

It will get better, though. She still cries every Dec. 24 (that's the day she miscarried) although its been eight years. She has, however, gotten so much better at seeing little girls of appropiate age (i.e. her heart would break when she'd see a five year old, for example, and say "My baby would have been five, you know.")

:hug::hug: To you and the wifey. I send good vibes your way so that you guys may cope a bit easier faster. -nod-

[iradney]

She comes up to me, puts her hand on my gut and asks me when I'm expecting.


That's when you grab her pinky, and bend it back. Great way of getting someone's hand off you good n fast. I'm sorry, but NO-ONE touches my belly (or any other part of my body) without my permission. The belly is too close to other areas for comfort, so some stranger touching it is gonna make my hackles rise.

[Gravekeeper]

Never, never, never, NEVER. ><

[friendofjimmyk]

I just don't ever ask a woman if she's pregnant - no matter how obvious I think it may be that she is. Why? I have known quite a few women who look pregnant - but they are not - they just carry extra weight in a ball shaped package on their belly. These women also have no weight anywhere else. Its all a ball on the belly. I just wait until I am told that they are, in fact, pregnant.

[RetailWorkhorse]

It's incredibly rude to ask if a woman is preggers.

But then Common Sense, Common Decency, and Common Intelligence has gone out the window. When we dicover exactly when this oddity happened, we'll be sending in The Doctor to make a few sarcastic remarks and fix it with his Sonic Screwdriver.

[FuzzyKitten99]

Never, EVER do that.

I have had this happen to me.

Shortly after I had my first baby, Nathan, we attended a wedding & reception. Apparently, one of the relatives had been out of the loop (hard to be so in this family, so that surprised me somewhat) and didn't know I had a baby. Nathan was only a few weeks old. Anyhow, I realized we forgot the diaper bag, and DH was feeding him, so I went to the car to get it.

The OoTL relative saw me, and asked "OMG, are you pregnant?" and tried to touch my belly (i was still a little sore from my c-section, so that was a big no-no). I was already sensitive about my weight (I was still nearly 200 lbs at that point), so I burst into tears and ran into the building and told DH and then ran to the bathroom and proceeded to cry my eyes out. Several relatives told the OoTL one my reason for just taking off like that, and then a few of the other female relatives came in and tried to help me feel better. It took them 10 minutes to get me out of the bathroom.

The OoTL relative apologized, but still.

Even when my new store manager first started a couple months ago, she looked pregnant. I wanted to ask, but there was no way for me to know she wasn't just pleasantly plump. Plus I knew how it felt to be asked about being pregnant when you're not. So I waited for her to tell me/us. She did and yes, she is pregnant. She's actually scheduled for a c-section in a couple days, since her baby is still breech and there isn't enough room for him to turn around.

[AdminAssistant]

AAAAGGHHH!!

I am very short and round (5'3", 190 lbs.) and I do carry a lot of my weight in my belly. I try SO HARD to wear flattering clothing, to not get depressed when I look in the mirror, to try and feel pretty and attractive. It's damn near impossible, but I try. It doesn't get me any male attention, but oh well. Ya deal with it.

I have actually been asked if I was pregnant. I was at least 20 lbs thinner then, too. When I glared at her and said, "NO", the girl who asked got really uppity and wondered what I had against babies. I have nothing against babies, I'M JUST NOT HAVING ONE. (Big Sis was actually pregnant at the time. She lost her weight pretty easily but Good DOG did she grow some boobs.)

It's never a good idea to ask.

[BookstoreEscapee]

She comes up to me, puts her hand on my gut and asks me when I'm expecting.


I will never in a million years understand why some people think it's ok to touch a complete stranger, in a rather intimate area, just because she is pregnant.

[JLRodgers]

I've never asked a woman if she was pregnant. Even when a woman had a belly and about a doubling of the chest size -- never asked. Then when she was talkingto someone and said "yeah I'm due in Jan" -- then I made a comment acknoldging she was.

Most times if a man sees a woman who's pregnant, they keep quiet, wait for the woman to leave and ask his friends that know her "Pregnant?"

[Rine]

I wouldn't ask someone if they were pregnant. Though, down here in the South, complete strangers ask people that and they don't think they are being rude. Guess it's the way Southerners are.

The only time I ask "pregnant" questions is if I am ringing people up. In the baby department. And only if I'm ringing them OUT and not for a return. (sometimes I ask, "when's the baby due?" "boy or girl?" that sort of thing.) I never ask a reason for a return on infant clothing anymore.

Once I was helping with a cashier and a woman came in with baby clothing to return. The woman still looked pregnant and the cashier, being friendly, asked, "oh, decided you didn't like these outfits? Is the baby too big for them already?" (they were preemie/newborn clothes.)

The woman started crying and said she had lost her baby after a car accident in the eighth month. It was hard. We all started crying and everything...it was just...hard.

I'm so sorry for your loss...and I hope things eventually get easier to bear. I would never ask the question to a complete stranger, no matter how nice I'm trying to be.

[Evil Queen]

No Rine, that's the way Transplants are. A real Southerner won't ask so much as wait until you inform them.

Because Pregnancy is a happy thing in the south, it's considered reason to have a party and mingle with friends, family and neighbors.

I miss living in the South sometimes.... :cry:

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I wouldn't ask someone if they were pregnant. Though, down here in the South, complete strangers ask people that and they don't think they are being rude. Guess it's the way Southerners are.



No, it isn't the way Southerners are. It's the way stupid people in general are.

Southerners ought to have mastered the art of pretending they don't see the obvious. You don't notice that a woman is due in a week unless she's told you she's pregnant. You don't notice a couple of friends are smitten with one another unless they tell you that they are now an item. You don't know about a pending divorce unless you are told by the unhappy couple. You get the idea.

EH, I'm so terribly sorry, although I know that sounds trite. This happened to a friend of mine, and it was pretty much the saddest thing ever to happen to anyone I knew. I'm sorry.

I can't believe that woman you had to get nasty with, the woman who argued with your wife. That defies belief, although I myself have had people say astounding things to me back when I though I couldn't have children as to why I was childless. Just truly astoundingly clueless, thoughtless stuff. "Shut the fuck up" really is an appropriate response in cases like that, I think.

But honestly, it's not anyone's business. An icy "I beg your pardon?" Coupled with an offended stare usually shuts down most people. If it doesn't, your "shut the fuck up" probably will do the job rather nicely. :(

[Amethyst Hunter]

RetailWorkhorse - you forgot THE Doctor. Doctor Jackal, that is. :devil: (Anime/manga reference, fyi) GUARANTEED he'd take care of *cough* business. :lol:

Back OT. I have never actually seen the touching-of-the-stomachs thing, or (thankfully, because I do have a beach-ball gut) experienced it myself. I have, however, heard the horror stories, and I can't believe anybody would have the absolute gall to do that...

...well, yes I can, sadly, but you know what I mean...

Anybody EVER tries that with me (not likely, at least with the relatives, since it's pretty well accepted in my family that I'm never having kids), they'll pull back a bloody stump for sure. I'm iffy about being touched and for a *total stranger* to *dare* invade someone's personal space like that, well, it sets off all my homicidal warning bells in .2 seconds.

EH, I'm sorry for yours and your wife's loss, and the rudeness you've had to deal with.

[powerboy]

I would never touch a ladies belly and ask if she is expecting. Nor would I come straight out and ask.

[Becks]

Evilhomer, my condolences. *oodles of hugs*




She even said as she moved to the chair nearest me "I'll just waddle over here". Odd thing to say if you're not.

I say that on my extra fat days. :shrug:

[evilhomer]

Thanks for all the hugs guys :)

I never ask a reason for a return on infant clothing anymore.
Thank you for that. I think that's a pretty common practice because nobody asked me any questions on anything I returned. I was very glad at the time because I couldn't help but burst into tears anytime I said it.

I can't believe that woman you had to get nasty with, the woman who argued with your wife. That defies belief, although I myself have had people say astounding things to me back when I though I couldn't have children as to why I was childless. Just truly astoundingly clueless, thoughtless stuff. "Shut the fuck up" really is an appropriate response in cases like that, I think.
In her defence, she was just being nice. In her proscution, she was being a moron. It was as we were boarding a bus and she wanted to know how many we were:

Lady: How many?
Marj: Two.
Lady: What do you mean, you've got a third one right here.
Marj: No I don't.
Lady: Oh come on, when are you having it?
Marj: (crying)
Me: Shut the fuck up!
Lady: Oh...

Not really much of an argument, there might have been a couple of extra lines in there that I can't recall. It was really that it's such a sensitive subject and she caught us off guard. She was also motioning to put her hands on Marj which is what really set me off.

[One-Fang]

I say that on my extra fat days. :shrug:

Precisely why I didn't take it as an invitation to mention the apparent pregnancy. :)

[JLG]

There is a coworker in her 60's that recently gained some weight. I know she has some medical conditions and this may have caused it. This conversatin took place in the breakroom with a stupid coworker about it.


Stupid.....Is S from the fitting room pregnant?
Me.....:confused: Um I think she is 65.
Stupid.....Well she has a new belly so I asked her if she was pregnant and she said no that she is just getting fat.
Me.....:eek:
Me.....That was rude of you to ask her that!
Stupid.....Why?She does look like she is pregnant.
Me.....She is 65
Stupid.....So
Me.....You should never comment on a persons weight gain.
Stupid.....But she looks pregnant.

At this point I just stopped this conversation. Oh and the stupid coworker was a women in her 50s that should have learned this lesson a long time ago.