Needing advice, ex-idiot issues. (a little long)

[SengaKitty]

Alright, I'm going to put a disclaimer here. I've thought long and hard about whether or not to post this, and, because I've been here, on and off, for four years now, I'm going to put my neck out on the line, and pray ya'll don't cut my head off. I know I can get objective opinions here, and perhaps help. I will be the first to admit that I have made mistakes in this matter, but please know, my actions were with the best of intentions. That being said, please, let's keep our trigger fingers light on the flame thrower.



As most of you know, I had a baby boy on April 15th. At the end of May, I left my husband in Alabama, and moved to Louisville, Kentucky. Now, I also left my beautiful, wonderful, miracle of a son in Alabama, for several reasons. First, my soon-to-be ex-husband told me that, were I to leave with my son, he would have me arrested for kidnapping before I ever got across state lines. I should have researched this, but I didn't. Secondly, I did not have a job where I was going, and did not want to bring my month 1/2 old infant somewhere that I didn't know what I'd be doing to support us. Mind you, I was coming to the man who is now my fiance (don't say it's rushed, there's a long history behind that that I'm not going to get into here.)

Now, why did I leave my husband, you may be asking. There were several reasons behind me leaving my husband. First and foremost, he was both mentally and physically abusive. No, he did not beat me, but he has hit me, and, at one point during my pregnancy, tried to strangle me. Do I have pictures or hospital evidence of said abuse? No. I loved him, did not want to leave him.... I should have. And when I say he was mentally abusive, everything that went wrong, my fault. Any time I asked him to do something with me, I had him on a leash, I wasn't giving him enough space yada yada. Any time I asked him to do something, I was being lazy or a bitch. If I'd been sick all day (which I was throughout my entire pregnancy) and working, and didn't much feel like cooking, or cleaning the kitchen, I was a lazy bitch.

Secondly, he cheated on me throughout half of our marriage. Almost from the time we found out I was pregnant for the second time (I miscarried back in May 2007, not long after we got married), he was sleeping with other women. Yes, I said women, as in plural. Both times it was women I considered friends, which hurt even more. When I was in the hospital about to have our baby? Yep, you got it folks, he was staying at HER house, screwing HER, instead of sitting with me at the hospital. When I was sleeping in a hospital waiting room, while our son was in the NICU with a tube down his throat helping him breath? You guessed it.

When we brought our son home, he decided he wanted a separation. Where did he go? Yep, to be with her. He came home only a couple of days later, along with all his stuff. He said he wanted to fix our marriage, he wanted to be with me and our child. But what was he doing? Yep, still screwing around. He said he loved us both, wanted to be with both of us... Nope, I'm done... After I'd found out he'd been cheating on me, I told him I would forgive him, but if he ever did it again, I'd leave, and for him not to bother lying about it, because the truth always comes out. What did he do? Screwed her again, and lied about it.... Of course the truth came out, I got my shit together and left, with the understanding that he'd be bringing me my son no later than July 23rd.

I got here, got a job, worked my ass off. Sent money back to him (yes I have proof of sending money to help support our child). Worked myself into the hospital, doing 12-18 hour days, six days a week. All of this, only to find out that he'd "given" his mother temporary custody of our son as soon as I left. And to find out that he's hardly gone to see our child. Pretty much, with me not there, he's decided he can just screw his girlfriend (Oh excuse me, his fiancee, so he claimed when I told him I was getting remarried), and not be a father. On father's day, he spent a whole 15 minutes with Dameon.

Now, his mother has tried to tell me she has full custody of my child, but I was getting a different story not only from the ex, but from my brother and sister as well. So I did a little digging, called the courthouses down there, and found out that he hadn't "given" her temporary custody. They'd filed for temporary custody TOGETHER, and the courts awarded it to them (I was never notified of a court date), awarding my MIL temporary physical custody.

I then contacted legal aid in Alabama to get help in not only filing my divorce, but getting my son back. They do not handle divorces that have anything to do with custody, and don't do anything with custody unless there's child abuse involved. I went online to Kentucky legal aid, and they WILL do a divorce with custody issues, but not until I've been here for 180 days (6 months).

Please guys, I really need your help and advice. I've got a job. I had to quit the one that put me in the hospital, because I was not able to heal at all. I'm now waiting tables (yep, me.), picking up as many shifts as I can grab, working my butt off and loving it. I've got a wonderful home, and incredible fiance. The only thing missing is my angel baby.... Help?

[Evil Queen]

First, I want to say Kudos for getting out of hell. It's hard to leave someone who is being mean to you for many reasons and you did it for all the right ones. I appreciate that.

(Fantasy suggestion coming right up)
Where does the Ex MIL live? I need to drive through Alabama to return from NC later this month, I'm sure I can make a detour, kidnap your snuggly baby, drive like a bat out of hell to Louisville (Oddly, I do know where it is as I've driven right past it), drop him off in your capable hands all before the EX and MIL even knows he's gone. :D

Realistically, what did the legal eagles say about it? I mean, other then informing you that you have to wait two more months. These things take a lot of time, is there someway you can start *cough*rescue*cough* procedures now?

[SengaKitty]

Ex lives in Andalusia, and is mother lives in Rose Hill (Opp area). I WISH you could bring him to me. I thought that maybe if she did only have temporary custody that I'd be able to go get him, but apparently that's not the case. The courthouse DID say that my rights as a parent haven't been revoked (I forgot to mention that MY mother and my MIL called DHR also known as children services, and told them I'd abandoned my son, when I hadn't), but that I don't have any custody. They also said that it's only temporary custody, and that I can petition for final custody.... I've just got to get a lawyer who can do it.... This is all so complicated and I'm CONFUSED.... I can't file for divorce in alabama, but I can't file for custody here... What do I do?

[Sliceanddice]

have you asked anyone one in the kentucky legal aid if they know any lawyers who might be able to help you if be it on a payment plan?
also have you concidered asking one of your siblings to file for temp custody so youu can know hes in a safe enviroment and get the time to file for divorce and custody

[Evil Queen]

Eh? Why can't you file for divorce in Alabama? I can understand why you can't file for custody in KY until the 6 month period is up (ooo, just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas!) but why the brick wall with the divorce?

[SengaKitty]

They say I've been out of Alabama too long, and since I'm no longer a resident there, I can't file. Duane can though.... But if he files in Alabama, I'll have to go there not only for the custody hearings (which will hurt my pocket enough, but be well worth it), but also for the divorce crap....

My siblings don't live near my son, my sister is the closest and she has 2 teenagers of her own.. My big brother is in the military, and has 2 young children of his own... So complicated *sigh* But I WILL ask legal aid of Kentucky about the payment plans..... I'm planning to go up there on Tuesday or Wednesday (if I'm not working) and see what I can find out....

[Jester]

First things first. And the way I see it, the divorce is not the first thing. Your son is.

File in Alabama for final custody of your son. Make sure you have documented all that has gone on so far, with affidavits of people who know what is going on, records of payments you have sent, any phone records, written notes, emails, etc., showing all you have said here.

Yes, this means you are going to have to deal with this issue in Alabama. Well, since the current temporary custodians reside in Alabama, I don't see any way around this. Continue to work through this in the courts in Alabama, using a local-area lawyer to represent you as often as possible, to save you as many unnecessary trips to AL as you can.

The divorce can follow later, when you can file it in Kentucky, but for right now, the focus should be your son and his custody.

[Saydrah]

What about a non-profit organization that might have a pro bono lawyer to help you? I don't know of anything off the top of my head, but I am sure there is something that deals with female survivors of abuse who need help getting their children back. Maybe if you google for your area and "women's shelter" and call to ask them for advice? You escaped an abuser and left your child behind-- you can NOT be the only one who ever had to do that. There must be an organization with experience dealing with what you are going through. Domestic violence is one of the causes that gets the most attention and the most funding in this country-- there are scads of NPOs that have something to do with domestic violence survivor support.

[SengaKitty]

Yes, this means you are going to have to deal with this issue in Alabama. Well, since the current temporary custodians reside in Alabama, I don't see any way around this. Continue to work through this in the courts in Alabama, using a local-area lawyer to represent you as often as possible, to save you as many unnecessary trips to AL as you can.

The divorce can follow later, when you can file it in Kentucky, but for right now, the focus should be your son and his custody.

I agree, that is why I'm still going to go to Legal Services this week and see what can be done. I only brought up the divorce issue because legal services in Alabama will not handle a divorce that has custody issues, and will not do any custody cases unless they are dealing with child abuse. They also told me that I would probably have to file for final custody with the divorce.... Ahhhh COMPLICATIONS!

Right now, my biggest worry is my angel is in lower Alabama right now, and if Gustave turns, my ex-idiot won't leave.... He loves hurricanes *sigh*

[wolfie]

Right now, my biggest worry is my angel is in lower Alabama right now, and if Gustave turns, my ex-idiot won't leave.... He loves hurricanes *sigh*

Do I hear the words "deliberate endangerment of a child"? Be sure to bring that up when fighting for custody.

[Gawdzillers]

...
...Shit.:eek:

[SengaKitty]

Do I hear the words "deliberate endangerment of a child"? Be sure to bring that up when fighting for custody.

That'd be great, IF he had physical custody of my son *sigh* my evil ex-MIL has physical custody.... And she's not answering my calls to tell me what's going on... But I did hear from my sister who told me she'd spoken to my ex-idiot. He told her that unless it gets bad there (they're only getting the outskirts of the storm right now, and it's not predicted to hit them) they're not going anywhere, but if it gets bad, they're gonna go north..... I dunno... the MIL isn't answering anyone's calls... according to idiot she's going through some stuff (he doesn't know what) and she's literally not answering anyone's calls......

[Evil Queen]

I would go with the Ex-MIL endangering a child then.

[SengaKitty]

Well, update time. And not a good one either. I just got home from dropping the fiance off at work, and checked the mail, only to find a letter from a law firm in Alabama addressed to me. It was a copy of the petition for custody filed September 4th by my MIL for PERMANENT LEGAL AND PHYISCAL custody of my son.... I'm going to type it out here and hope like hell someone knows something about it....


Comes now {MIL's Name Here}, the Grandmother of Dameon Jayden Lee Mathews, a minor child whose date of birth is April 15, 2008 and petitions the Court for an order awarding her the legal and physical custody of the above minor child and as grounds would show unto the Court as follows:

That the Petitioner is the Grandmother of the minor child. The temporary legal custody of the minor child was awarded jointly to the minor child's Father, {Ex-idiot's name here} and Grandmother, {MIL}; the physical custody of the minor child was awarded to {MIL}, by an order signed by the Honorable {Judge's name here}, dated June 4, 2008 (Exhibit "A").

That the minor child's Mother, RHPG, quit her job in Andalusia, Alabama at (Previous employer); packed all of her belonging and left May 24, 2008. RHPG gave the impression to (HR manager) that she would not be returning. RHPG's last known address is: (RHPG's current address here).

That the minor child's Father (ex-idiot) has agreed the custody of the said minor child should be with the Grandmother, (MIL), the Petitioner, (Exhibit "B") and has informed the Grandmother that he will file a Waiver and Consent indicating his willingness to transfer custody to the Grandmother.

WHEREFORE, the Petitioner requests the Court enter an order awarding her the legal and sole physical custody of the minor child, that upon a final hearing award him the permanent custody of the minor child and to grant such order relief as may be appropriate in this instance.

Now, there is no mention of a hearing date, and I've tried find out about it... There is also no mention of the fact that I ALSO told the HR manager that Ex-idiot was supposed to be bringing me my son in July. Idiot also apparently did not tell this to the Judge, or anyone else.... WHAT DO I DO? Please someone help

[Saydrah]

LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER right freakin' now. You do not have time to wait to see if you really need a lawyer anymore.

If you want the number of a lawyer in CO just on the offchance he knows someone in one of the states this is going on in, PM me.

Armchair Lawyer Saydrah thinks she recalls from the same thing happening to her sister (though the grandparent was trying to TAKE custody but did not HAVE physical custody) that you need to file something showing that you intend to contest the petition-- otherwise they will automatically be awarded custody since the petition was uncontested and ex-MIL has the child currently. So right now TODAY since there is no hearing date, call a lawyer and get an appointment for a consultation.

If you can't afford a lawyer, call local womens' shelters and ask if they have any way that a single mother fleeing a hostile relationship can get family law advice free or at a low cost. Generally places that deal with spousal abuse also can at least refer you to legal help of some sort for child custody matters, since one of the main reasons women don't leave an abuser is that they fear he or she will take away their children.

[wagegoth]

I'm going to back Saydrah's suggestions. You need a lawyer, now. Since you left the state, it will be much harder for you. They say possession is nine-tenths of the law, and it can also be applied to custody.

I understand that you're limited cash-wise. Saydrah's suggestion to contact women's shelters is spot on. My MIL is a divorce lawyer (sorry, she's here in California) and she used to do pro bono (free) divorce work for abused women. Most lawyers do some type of pro bono work. The shelters should have a list of which local lawyers are available to help you.

Even if you do not qualify for free legal representation, you may be able to arrange with a lawyer to assist you in filing the paperwork while you represent yourself. This can save you a bundle of money as the lawyer does not have to appear in court. This will mean, at least, a couple of trips to court in Alabama, but you may find that will cost a lot less than paying a lawyer to sit in court all morning or afternoon while waiting to appear for you. Also, the mail and paperwork from the other lawyers and the court will be sent directly to you, so you're not paying the lawyer to review it.

[Jester]

I agree with Saydrah. Get a lawyer NOW.

That is not to say you can't do a little homework on your own.

The law firm who sent you this, while probably representing the Idiot, also has an address and a phone number. Probably listed on their letterhead in the mailing. If not, the net is a wondrous thing and you can find out their info. Call them. While they are representing your ex-Idiot, they are also officers of the Court and cannot legally lie to you about the date of said hearing.

That is not to say they WON'T lie. Just that they aren't supposed to. Better for you would be to contact the Court in question. The document that was sent to you should have their info, or at the very least their name (i.e., Court of Jester County, Family Services Division), which again, you can use to look up their info on the net. Or you could just ask the law firm for the Court's information. Again, they cannot lie to you legally. However you get the Court's information, contact them immediately. As in, if you haven't done it yet, do it immediately in the morning at open of business.

The questions you want to ask the Court are where the hearing will be, when it will be, and what you need to do to contest the motion filed by Grandma, both in person and from Kentucky. There are almost certainly options for both, as not everyone can afford to travel for such things, no matter how much they may love their child. And sometimes there are multiple such hearings, adding to the expense.

In any case, you need to do get this information immediately, as in if you haven't already done it, do it at open of business tomorrow. Even if/when you get a lawyer to help you contest it, having the necessary information can only help. And not to be too harsh, but you have no excuses not to get this info immediately, even if you are working.

So get on it! And good luck!

[SengaKitty]

Thank you so much guys for your advice. I've actually already contacted a lawyer here who gave me some advice, but cannot help me with my case as she's not licensed in Alabama. I also contacted the court in Alabama and asked the procedure to contest the motion. Not only do I want to contest it, I want my son BACK. SO I'm going to sending a letter to the court contesting the motion and petitioning for full custody myself. I'll also be contacting the Judge tomorrow to see what all I have to do, hearing wise. There is not, as of yet, a hearing set, BUT an answering waiver has been entered by the ex-Idiot, though HE claims to know nothing about any of this....

[Jester]

RHPG, so far so good, but you really should contact an Alabama lawyer by phone at the very least. I cannot suggest this strongly enough. If you don't know of a good one, I am sure you have friends who do, or relatives, or acquaintances, or perhaps someone here in CS or in some other online site you belong to.

Good luck.

[SengaKitty]

I have tried. I've even called legal services there and they won't handle any kind of custody cases unless it has to do with child abuse.... GAH

[SengaKitty]

So, after having a discussion with my SO and my sister, and another really long discussion with my SO, I've been sitting back and thinking. Right now, I have to think more about what's in my son's best interests than what's in mine. I want him back so badly I can still feel him in my arms, and I wake up crying because he's not here. HOWEVER, I know that I cannot give him the life that my MIL is giving him, or can give him right now. Eventually, yes, I will be able to, but right now, not only am I a waitress, I'm a waitress without work because our restaurant has no power after Ike hit the midwest.

I'm going to give her custody, but also request that I have visitation rights whenever I'm able to go down for a visit. They live nearly 12 hours away from me, so it's rather difficult to get down there. I'm not going to give up my parental rights, I'm simply going to allow her custody. I'm also going to be putting half of my tips every day into the bank to send her every month to help take care of my son...

This decision hurts so much, but when I'm able, I am going to fight, and I am going to get my son back.

[wagegoth]

I'm sorry you had to make that decision. Putting your son's needs ahead of yours is the sign of a good parent.


IANAL. But, you still need to get a lawyer in Alabama to represent you. You do not want to give permanent physical custody to your MIL. You should try to arrange some type of temporary custody, with an end date of some type. This will make it easier for you to regain physical custody when you are in a better financial situation.

[SengaKitty]

She's already got temporary custody.....

[Saydrah]

You could contest the permanent physical custody, while offering to agree to extend her temporary physical custody to X date, and ask for a visitation agreement that allows you to have him for certain holidays and to visit him at your home when you're in Alabama. If MIL is at all reasonable, she might agree to that in order to avoid a drawn-out custody battle.

[SengaKitty]

She might, but the Gods only know when I'm going to be able to take care of him and give him the life he needs.... I'm so freaking confused..... GAH!

[Aethian]

Giving a ending date shows the judge that you are trying to set up your life to be able to take care of him full time. Asking for visitation during holidays is good because then you get to see him.

*snugs* I send love and hugs your way. I hope things get better soonish.

[wagegoth]

Don't worry about what's down the road. Take care of what you need to now. Do NOT let her get permanent custody. IANAL, and I don't know Alabama law, but if you gave her permanent custody, you would probably have to sue in court to get your son back (which is why you need to talk to a lawyer). If that is the case, it could take months or years for that to clear up and the court will take into consideration that you did not fight her over the permanent custody, which could make it appear that you were not interested in your child. *I know that's not true, but judges are human and they make value judgments all the time.*

[Saydrah]

Honey, nobody is EVER ready to be a parent. It just sneaks up on you like that.

That's what my dad told my sister when she had her baby, and even though I'm not a parent and don't want kids, it rings pretty true to me.

If you think he's happier with your MIL for now, that's a brave and mature choice to make, but I don't think you want to give her permanent physical custody. Your situation may change dramatically for the better in a few months, and you wouldn't want to be trapped into having only limited visitation. You can always just keep extending the temporary custody if you can't take him back yet.

[Kiwi]

I grew up in a single parent household
my mother had full custody (I wont go into details suffice to say my father was an EVIL "man")

We had nothing, and I mean no food in the house, mum taping her shoes together, no winter coat, frost on the blankets in the morning nothing growing up. Mum barely(but she did) kept a house over out heads and clothes on our backs and only with the help of charities.

It was hard, my brother and I were aware how poor we were, and yes it was tough and we had times of seeing mums mask crack and saw her dispair and struggle.

But...

If I had the choice as a child, I would ALWAYS with no question have choosen to stay with her, even if someone could give me a "better" life. There is no one like your mother in your life, and you cant replace her. I have had fantastic male role models in my life but nothing will ever make up for the fact my father wasnt there.

Im not telling you what to do in any sence, but if its money or lack of it that you are worried about then I can tell you as a child in the situation your facing right now, I would still pick being with my Mother. Even if it meant being poor and never having nice "things" because as a child things didnt mean so much. I have wonderful memories of times at the park or the beach or going places that didnt cost money.

If that is the only thing holding you back, then please I urge you to fight for your child. No one will ever be able to replace his mother in his life and if what you describe of the father is accurate the kids already down one parent. To children having flash stuff is nice for about 4 seconds. Being a loving mother who gave everything to my brother and I was worth so so much more than nice new flash clothes or the latest toys or anything new.

[wagegoth]

Here, go to this website:

http://www.probono.net/aba_oppsguide/search?state=AL

The page is on the American Bar Association website. It's a reference for lawyers looking for places to volunteer pro bono, but it's still a good contact list for you.

[SengaKitty]

The thing is, is she's the only person (save for her husband) that my son has ever known. He's only really been alone with me for about 6 days total since he was born, thanks to him having been in the NICU for the first 2 1/2 weeks and the ex-Idiot. Instead of us taking him home from the hospital, Idiot asked his mother to do so. He told her that he'd talked to me about it and that I'd agreed, but I knew nothing about it until it was time to take him home. Then, when he finally did come home, Idiot was constantly letting his mom or dad (not married to each other) take him for the weekend or the night or whatever...

Right now, I simply CANNOT take care of him the way he needs to be taken care of. River (fiance) and I are barely able to support ourselves right now. We've had to cancel the vacation where we were actually going to go see my son, and then see his family on the way back home, because I'm not working thanks to Ike, and we don't know when I'll be back to work. I want my son to be safe and happy. I'm not going to ask for "limited" visitation. I'm going to ask that I be allowed to see my son every other weekend, during the holidays, and the summer. If I can afford to go see him, wonderful, if not, at least I have the option open.

I want to be a good mother, and right now, this is the only way I can see of giving my son what he needs and deserves....

Also, I should mention that during the time she has him, I plan to go to school and get at least a bachelors, and am considering going further and getting a law degree...

Edited to say that I also grew up in a single parent home, and agree that having my mother in my life could not have been replaced... But right now my son doesn't even know me... And if I were to fight right now, with the whole me leaving him in Alabama thing, I would probably not only lose, but not even get visitation...

Edited one more time to add a thank you for the link. I've already been in contact with Alabama legal services and they don't do ANYTHING with custody unless it is a child abuse situation *sigh*

[wagegoth]

I totally understand your frustration. We're not trying to nag you, but we want you to consider how what you do now will affect the long-term. If you want to maintain the option of regaining custody of your child in the future, you need to consider what to do now.

There are multiple legal sites listed on that page. Make the calls.

Also, most lawyers will not charge or will charge a minimal amount for an initial consultation. Call a lawyer and arrange an appointment to have a phone conference as soon as possible. Explain the situation to the receptionist or secretary, so that they understand how much of a rush situation this is, and they can push you in to talk to the lawyer.

You really need to talk to a lawyer, no matter what decision you make. They will tell you what your legal rights are, and the possible consequences of any action or inaction you may take.

[Saydrah]

IANAL, but one other thing I just thought of:

If she gets legal permanent custody, that could open the door for MIL legally adopting your son, couldn't it? Wagegoth, any thoughts there? I recall that in cases of stepchildren, legal permanent custody is often the first step to adoption.

She would need her son's consent to adopt the child, and would also need to file to terminate your parental rights based on non-performance of parental responsibilities, IIRC. She could argue that by leaving the state and by not contesting legal permanent custody you have shown that you do not want your parental responsibilities, and could also argue that you have not financially supported the child and that this constitutes failure to fulfill parental duties.

Like Wagegoth said, nobody here wants to nag you, but you are understandably very emotional with work in a crisis, power out, no ability to see your son, financial struggles, and I would hate to see you make a decision in your son's best interests and end up losing your parental rights and being unable to retrieve him even if you become financially stable.

Maybe one of the lawyers from the Pro Bono website Wagegoth linked would be able to set up mediation for you via a conference call, or help you get a loan for travel expenses to participate in mediation in person with the MIL. If you're able to get a temporary custody and visitation agreement that both parties like and won't contest, you should be able to let your son stay with the family he knows for now, while maintaining parental rights and leaving the door open to reclaim custody in the future.

[wagegoth]

Saydrah makes some excellent arguments. I honestly cannot say more than I have, because I'm a legal secretary, studying for my paralegal certificate, and I could lose my job or endanger receiving my certificate if I were to provide any counsel that could be construed as giving legal advice.


You must talk to a lawyer, though, just so you understand what the consequences and costs will be of any action you take now.

[Jester]

Disclaimer: The following comments are my opinions. I do not expect them to be popular. I do not expect them to be well received. But they ARE my opinions on the situation described. They are NOT, however, meant as a personal attack on RHPG, nor should anyone take them as such. My opinions here, however, are very strong, and are expressed very strongly. If you view it as a flame, so be it. But the intent was not to flame, but merely to express my strong opinions on the matter. Please direct any and all hate mail to me if you feel the need. --Jester

I am so mad right now that I want to break things. And I am going to risk getting in trouble with the administration here by telling you what I think of all this.

HOWEVER, I know that I cannot give him the life that my MIL is giving him, or can give him right now. Eventually, yes, I will be able to, but right now, not only am I a waitress, I'm a waitress without work because our restaurant has no power after Ike hit the midwest.

And what life is that? Life with a father that barely knows or acknowledges him or knows how to care for him? Being raised by a grandmother and thinking your mother didn't care enough to raise him herself? Only a waitress my ass. My mother was "only" a secretary when my father died--a long time out-of-work secretary at that, having been busy raising three kids--but she did everything she could to get her shit together and raise all three of us the best she could. Why? Because she was our goddamned mother, and she saw no other choice, as to her, that was her JOB.

Keep in mind that if you petition TODAY for custody, it will take weeks at a MINIMUM, so any excuses about what your situation is right now regarding the power and all that is just a load of hooey. Even if the power and work situation are going to be longer-term than expected, you STILL should be fighting to get your son back, especially because it often DOES take so damn long.

I'm not going to give up my parental rights, I'm simply going to allow her custody.

And when she then gets permanent custody, applies to have your parental rights terminated, and shows that you basically gave up those rights? What then? Remember, you describe her son as your "Ex-Idiot." What makes you think they are going to do anything to help you see your son?

This decision hurts so much, but when I'm able, I am going to fight, and I am going to get my son back.

If you are not able to fight right now for your son, you never will be, finances be DAMNED. I am an UNCLE, and I would throw everything I had down in a heartbeat to help and protect my nieces, any and all four of them (ages 4-17) if I had to. And not one of those four nieces is related to me biologically, and STILL I would do anything and everything in my power to help them. You put this fight off, you lessen your chances severely of ever winning it. Hell, depending on the court, you realistically could lose all legal rights to your son, including simple visitation.

The thing is, is she's the only person (save for her husband) that my son has ever known.

Kid was born in APRIL. He may not know you now, but he is still your son, and he will know you. I have ZERO memories of anything before the age of 2, and just fragments before the age of 3. Children do not remember back to their infancy, generally speaking. But even if he doesn't know you know....YOU ARE HIS MOTHER. He needs to get to know you, and the sooner the better.

Right now, I simply CANNOT take care of him the way he needs to be taken care of.

Just a few days ago you were incensed that your Ex-Idiot did what he did, and you were all gung ho to get your son back.....but now you say you can't take care of him the way he needs? In what way? Because you don't have power at your work right now? Custody issues take time. Or are you talking about financially? My mother, after my father died, barely had a pot to piss in, and she had three children (14, 10, and 9) to feed. And she fucking DID it. Did we get everything we wanted? No. Hell, we may not have gotten everything we needed all the time. But our mother was there to love us, guide us, raise us, and care for us, whatever the cost to her, and my respect for her because of this (among other things) is unbelievable.

If you have love in your heart for your son, you have the basics of what you need to take care of him. The rest will follow. If you don't....well, then you should not be raising a child.

I want to be a good mother, and right now, this is the only way I can see of giving my son what he needs and deserves....

What he deserves is his mother who cares for him and loves him. Not some idiot father who pawns him off on the first relative who comes along to help him out, and not his grandmother who may or may not be more interested in using him as a pawn to get back at her ex-daughter-in-law than in raising him.

having my mother in my life could not have been replaced... But right now my son doesn't even know me... And if I were to fight right now, with the whole me leaving him in Alabama thing, I would probably not only lose, but not even get visitation...

You don't know that! If you DON'T fight RIGHT NOW, you could lose all rights to him!

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I know I risk getting in trouble here, but all I see you doing is making one excuse after another. Either you love your son and want to raise him, or you don't. You are struggling, yes, but you are not destitute. Power will come back, work will return, and you will be able to continue your education. And you can do all of that with your son in your custody. But these battles take time, and if you give up now, chances are good that you will have given up all chance of raising your firstborn son, your first baby. With so many people trying to get pregnant, so many people trying to adopt, so many people who want a baby to raise, can you honestly just give your baby up to in-laws that you have not exactly described in the most glowing terms?

Look, I am not a parent and I do not pretend to be in a position to judge such things. But when you come on sites like this and ask advice, you open yourself up to not only positive and helpful feedback, but criticism as well.

The bottom line here is that if you give up on getting your son back now, you may never get him back, EVER. You may never even get visitation rights AT ALL, depending upon how your ex-in-laws spin things. (And by what you've described, they will not be spinning them in your favor.)

In essence, if you give up on getting your son back now, in my opinion you are pretty much giving up on your son, period.

And frankly, that disgusts me. Damn it, woman, aren't there enough children in the world who have been deprived of one or both of their parents through circumstances beyond the parents' control? Why add to that?

You're not giving your son more. You're giving him up. Hope you can live with that.

I couldn't.

[storms off in disgust...]

[Daisy]

I have a 51/2 month old son, so I can't say much without getting all worked up, but I agree with Jester.

If you're going to do something to get your son back, please please do it now.

[morgana]

I do not have any children.

I never wanted to have any children.

I agree with Jester anyway.

[sms001]

I see you're online now so I'll post these w/o reading all the way through responses:

http://www.acadv.org/legalserv.html

http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?statelaw_name=Custody&state_code=AL

the second has various links on obtaining real legal advice.

Good luck and my prayers, RHPG!

[SengaKitty]

Thank you all for your advice. I am going to be seeking legal council, and have already started this process by contacting a women's and family center... They are planning to have someone from their legal department call me back. I'm also going to look into the links you gave me SMS.

I received some paperwork from the courthouse in alabama today, including the original order for temporary custody, as well as the petition for full custody AND the answering consent and waiver from ex-idiot, with his signature, and a confirmation from a notary that it was him signing it... This from the man who said he knew NOTHING of the petition for full custody...

So yes, I'm seeking legal counsil to see what my rights are, and if I have a leg to stand on in the fight.

[Saydrah]

AWRIGHT! *fistbump*

Atta girl! Get that precious little boy back! And stick it to Mr. "I didn't know anything about me signing a notarized document for that." If he doesn't want his parental rights... prove that YOU DO! Even though the situation is a very tangled one, remember you always have at least one leg to stand on... YOU ARE HIS MOTHER.

Now, a suggestion (IA still NAL)? Could you possibly get the father to tell you in some provable way that he "knows nothing" about the petition? An email? Maybe if you can prove in court that he has a pattern of lying they will be more likely to believe he is lying about promising to bring your son out by your birthday.

[SengaKitty]

I wish that would help. He's not the one I'm fighting for custody anymore, his mother is. Though she DID tell me she already had papers saying she had full custody, when I'm only now getting a PETITION for full custody... I'm hold right now with legal services in Alabama.


Just got off the phone with legal services in Alabama and that was a waste of 20 minutes on a cell phone during daytime minutes. "If the child isn't being abused in his/her current situation and it is a contested custody issue, this isn't something we can help you with."

[Saydrah]

http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/probono/directory/alabama.html

Birmingham Volunteer Lawyers Program
Primary Address: 2021 Second Avenue North
City: Birmingham
State: AL
Zipcode: 35203
General Phone: 205-251-8006
Fax: 205-328-3548
Intake Phone: 205-328-3540
Counties Served: Jefferson, Shelby
Case Types: Adoption, Bankruptcy, Consumer, Child Custody, Dissolution of Marriage, Education, Elder Law, Employment, Housing, Torts, Wills
Case Restrictions: LSC restrictions.

Mobile Bar Association Volunteer Lawyers Program
Primary Address: 2102 AmSouth Bank Bldg., 107 St. Francis Street Suite 505
City: Mobile
State: AL
Zipcode: 36602-1102
General Phone: 251-438-1102
Fax: 251-438-1982
Intake Phone: 251-438-1102
Counties Served: Mobile
Case Types: Adoption, Consumer, Child Custody, Dissolution of Marriage, Wills
Other Case Types: Adoption by Agreement, Change of Custody by Agreement, Child Support Modification Due to a Job Loss, Post-Judgment Divorce Order Involving Children, Uncontested Divorce with No Children/No Property, Name Changes, Paternity, Visitation
Case Restrictions: No Criminal Cases. Mobile County Residency Subject Matter Financial Eligibility (Legal Services Eligibility).
Web Site: http://www.vlpmobile.com

Alabama State Bar Volunteer Lawyers Program
Primary Address: PO Box 671
City: Montgomery
State: AL
Zipcode: 36101
General Phone: 334-269-1515
Fax: 334-261-6310
Intake Phone: 334-269-1515
Counties Served: Autauga, Baldwin, Barbour, Bibb, Blount, Bullock, Butler, Calhoun, Chambers, Cherokee, Chilton, Choctaw, Clarke, Clay, Cleburne, Coffee, Colbert, Conecuh, Coosa, Covington, Crenshaw, Cullman, Dale, Dallas, De Kalb, Elmore, Escambia, Etowah, Fayette, Franklin, Geneva, Greene, Hale, Henry, Houston, Jackson, Lamar, Lauderdale, Lawrence, Lee, Limestone, Lowndes, Macon, Marengo, Marion, Marshall, Montgomery, Morgan, Perry, Pickens, Pike, Randolph, Russell, Shelby, Saint Clair, Sumter, Talladega, Tallapoosa, Tuscaloosa, Walker, Washington, Wilcox, Winston
Case Types: Adoption, Bankruptcy, Consumer, Child Custody, Dissolution of Marriage, Domestic Violence, Education, Housing, Real Estate, Torts, Wills
Case Restrictions: To qualify for the program clients must be referred by a Legal Services Alabama program office. Therefore all clients must meet Legal Services financial eligibility requirements - total household income, after all eligible deductions, at 125% of federal
Web Site: http://www.alabar.org
Organization Email: vlp@alabar.org

[wagegoth]

Did you tell them about the abuse you suffered? I know it's not documented by police reports, but if anyone can back you up as to seeing bruises or you telling them about it when it happened, that will count. If there is potential for abuse for the child, that is something they should consider.

[strawbabies]

If there is potential for abuse for the child, that is something they should consider.

Your son is a baby! It wouldn't take much abuse for your ex to KILL HIM!

[SengaKitty]

My ex doesn't have my baby, and I told them that I'D been abused, but it didn't matter. Saydrah, that's who I called and that's what they told me *sigh*

[Jester]

Though she DID tell me she already had papers saying she had full custody, when I'm only now getting a PETITION for full custody...

Go by what the COURT tells you, NOT what Idiot's Mom tells you. She could be lying, she could be trying to manipulate you into dropping your pursuit of custody. Hell, she could be telling the truth, but if you can show that she went out of her way to deceive and lie to you about the custody (which it seems she did), then the Court could conceivably reopen the case even after custody was granted. (Don't quote me on this--I'm not a lawyer, I don't play one on tv, and even my cousins are doctors, not lawyers.)

By the way, it's good to see you are pursuing this again. I know there are going to be many times when it's going to seem that the best thing to do is just to give up and let Idiot's Mom raise him, but from what you've told us, that would not be the case, so don't you give up on that little rugrat. And while giving up would be easy, I think you know that it would not be right.

Also, thank you for not taking my earlier comments as an attack. They weren't. I was just very upset, and I hope you can understand why.

(To the rest of you who PM'd me or commented in here, thank you for your positive support of those comments. I thought for sure I was going to come home to a barrage of comments telling me where I could go and providing detailed instructions. I hope y'all know where I was coming from.)

Anyway, RHPG, don't give up. Keep trying various legal services. Even if you have to hire a lawyer, you can probably find one that will work out a payment plan for you. Or you can take a huge risk and represent yourself.

Whatever you do, don't give up. And in the words of Corey Hart, "Never surrender."

[SengaKitty]

Jester, she told me this, and told me she would have the papers proving such sent to me about two months ago. I then called the courts and they told me she only had temporary custody. That was about a month ago. NOW I'm getting these papers *sigh* This is all so annoying. BUT I was going through reading the papers, and what Idiot had to say in his original statement when he gave her temporary custody, and I'm writing down MY side next to quotes. Every legal case, from what I've been told, has two sides, now I'm writing out MY side.

I'm also attempting to get ahold of someone who did witness the physical abuse that I went through, to see if she will help me, as she was in a similar case herself, and she used to be a friend, so I'm hoping she'll help.

And, no, Jester, I did not take it as a personal attack. I came here asking for advice, and that's what I got, and I appreciate it. As I said in the original posts, I expected flames, but asked that the fingers not be too quick on the trigger of the flamethrowers... I appreciate you being honest, and all the support I'm getting here... If only I could get all of you to Alabama to stand for me in court *sigh*

Edited to add that I am currently putting in an application with a local Chain Pharmacy (won't say which one in case I get the job, so I can post stories here :D) to give me another leg to stand on. Namely, a steady job with insurance and education possibilities

[Jester]

If only I could get all of you to Alabama to stand for me in court...

If I was in Alabama, you wouldn't need to worry about lawyers..... :cool:

[SengaKitty]

LOL that's one of the reasons I REALLY don't want to go back to Alabama..... I know a couple easy ways to kill Ex-Idiot, and his mother for that matter, and make it look like natural causes :whistle:

[AdminAssistant]

IANAL, and I'm not even going to pretend to be one.

Just *HUGS* and some hope and happy thoughts.

[SengaKitty]

Thank you I really appreciate it. I am so thankful for all the support I'm getting here, ya'll've almost had me in tears knowing I have so many people behind me.

[Jester]

It's just a damn shame I we couldn't be behind your ex and his mother as well.....at the top of a tall flight of stairs, for example. Or at the end of a pier.

You know, where we could really do some good. :devil:

[SengaKitty]

Yeah I wish... No new news yet... I'm going to be calling the judge's office in about half an hour (they told me to call between 8:30 and 9am central) to let him know that I DID receive the paper work and am seeking legal council.

[MoxisPilot]

I just wanted to say that my mother went through nearly the exact same thing.

In the end, she lost custody of my brother; however, don't lose hope! I have some recommendations from her "mistakes", as she calls them.

1. Regardless of the cost of a divorce and custody lawyer, do it. Try to get someone willing to do pro bono work, but don't go through the state. They're underpaid and overworked, and generally don't care.

2. Either move out of your fiancee's house until this whole thing is over, or marry him quickly. Living with a boyfriend can still be used as an argument for a "bad environment" when you do get into a custody battle.

3. Try to arrange for a guardian ad litem for your son.

4. If your ex makes you any promises, get them in writing.

5. Someone earlier said that you should apply to have one of your siblings take custody. I think this is an excellent idea.

Remember, your ex-MIL does NOT have full custody until YOU have agreed to it, as well.

Good luck; I hope this turns out in your favor in the end.

[SengaKitty]

ARGH! I'm not getting ANYWHERE with this! Every time I try to call the judge's office I get "The person you are trying to reach is not available" and then it hangs up on me. The circuit clerk told me yesterday to call between 8:30am and 9am central time today. It's currently 8:46am central and NO FREAKING ANSWER... I'm going crazy here!

AGH! :hairpull::hairpull::hairpull: I finally got ahold of the judge's office, and they said that if I didn't have a letter to the judge within the week letting him know that I am going to be contesting this, than he WILL give her full custody WITHOUT a hearing, because ex idiot signed an answer and waiver, stating that he DID want her to have custody, and that he was waiving all rights to a hearing. :cry:

[Daisy]

I finally got ahold of the judge's office, and they said that if I didn't have a letter to the judge within the week letting him know that I am going to be contesting this, than he WILL give her full custody WITHOUT a hearing,

Okay girl. Get that letter written up. Make copies. Fax it. Mail it. Any way they have to contact that court, use it. If you have to get a notary, do it. Do this right now. That way they can't say they weren't notified in time.

It's a start.

[SengaKitty]

But see that's the problem. I don't know what to write!

[Jester]

Remember, your ex-MIL does NOT have full custody until YOU have agreed to it, as well.

Actually not true.

RHPG's ex-MIL does not have full custody until THE JUDGE has awarded it to her, whether or not RHPG does anything or not. The judge, after all, DOES have the authority to award custody, even against RHPG's wishes or consent.

I finally got ahold of the judge's office, and they said that if I didn't have a letter to the judge within the week letting him know that I am going to be contesting this, than he WILL give her full custody WITHOUT a hearing...

Draw up an affidavit or a letter stating your desire to have full custody of your child AND the fact that you will be strongly contesting ex-MIL's custody. Make it professional. Have a lawyer help you if possible (if it's an affidavit) or at the very least have a good writer you know draw it up for you so it looks professional. Have it notarized. Overnight it to the court. Mark it "urgent." Do all of this RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW. Today. Immediately. Don't let yourself get screwed on this by either the slowness of the Post Office or your own laziness.

Move. Go. Now.

[tollbaby]

I have no advice or ideas to offer, just enormous hugs. I cannot IMAGINE how difficult it must have been to leave your baby behind, even for a short while. And to find that people had been conspiring behind your back to prevent you from getting him back? Yeah.... I'm feeling all mama bear on your behalf, and I don't even KNOW you.

So *HUGS* and should you ever require any assistance that I *can* provide, let me know!

[tollbaby]

But see that's the problem. I don't know what to write!

Be concise, to the point.

I haven't read all the replies, but if all you need to do is inform the judge that you want to contest, write something to the effect of:

"My child was forcibly withheld from me, I have never willingly abandoned my child and I fully intend to regain custody of him as soon as possible."

Get a lawyer to pretty it up for you, but as Jester said, do NOT wait, do it TODAY! Fax it if you can before you overnight it, that way they'll have a copy today.

Just to give you an idea of how I feel about this situation, I'll give you the breakdown of my own situation.

I'm a single mom, I've got two kids. My son is biologically mine. My daughter... she's the progeny of my brother and his (at-the-time 15-year old) ex-girlfriend. My brother (who was 20 when this happened) has always, until recently, lived with my parents. His girlfriend lived with her dad when she got pregnant. Her dad essentially told her she was an idiot and kicked her out, so she went to live with her mother. Baby is born, my brother goes over there every day or two to see the baby, and all is well.....

Until one evening when I get a tearful call from my mother stating that Children's Aid has seized the baby and won't tell us why or where she is. After THREE hours of begging and pleading with the caseworker on the phone, I find out that our young mother has told everyone that the father abandoned her so she could get Mother's allowance (welfare on steroids) and Children's Aid wouldn't give out any information to my brother's family because she didn't consider us as having any contact with the child. On a SUNDAY, I managed to get the caseworker to agree to let my brother see the baby with her foster family, I managed to find him a lawyer, and get him an initial interview with her. Ultimately, because my brother wasn't working (had never held a job for more than a month), wasn't going to school, and was living at home, and would NOT terminate the relationship with his girlfriend (who was abusing the baby to the point of killing her, but that's a long story better left for another post), Children's aid would recommend that he not be granted custody. If he had just dumped the idiot, he'd have gotten his daughter back. But I digress.

So I sat down with my husband (we had a 2 1/2 year old at this point and were beginning to discuss child # 2) and we decided to ask for custody. We went through HELL to get custody of this kid. We had to have psychological testing, social workers came to our house, we all had to have background checks, etc. FOR SIX WEEKS. She was taken away at 3 months. We got full *permanent* custody of her when she was 4 1/2 months old. Her mother threatened to take her from her babysitter's and disappear with her. We went through about 20 babysitters the first year, because we discovered that they were each, in turn, allowing the mother access to the baby, albeit supervised. My brother finally did end up breaking it off with her a year later, and the threats and the stalking stopped. Since then, she has shown absolutely ZERO interest in seeing the baby. She has never ONCE phoned to ask if she could see her (and we had allowed for 2 supervised visit per week for each of them in the custody agreement. Neither of them has ever taken advantage of that. EVER.)

Now, SEVEN YEARS LATER, after having gone through more than five years since either of them showed the slightest interest in regaining custody of this child, we're going through adoption proceedings. Which is fun, because all of a sudden, she's decided to contest having to relinquish her parental rights *sigh*

Suffice to say, I've been in this situation with a mother who IS delinquent and has no interest in her child. FIGHT YOUR BUTT OFF FOR THIS! *hug* Do whatever you have to do to get your baby back, and make sure the judge KNOWS that you will do whatever it takes to get him back. Make sure the judge knows that you left your child IN HIS FATHER'S CARE with the express understanding that you would be taking him back as soon as you were gainfully employed and settled in your new home. If you tell him that you NEVER had any intention of giving up your child, it may weigh in your favor.

When my ex and I separated, I was lucky. My ex is a fantastic father, and a good friend - we just aren't compatible. He has been willing to forego a divorce until the adoption is finished, even though it cost him his last relationship (she couldn't handle that he wouldn't divorce me until this was done). He has been an excellent father to this little girl, and his family has accepted her unquestioningly (to the point of including her in family bequests - she's inherited enough money from his parents and aunts to pay her way through university, no matter WHAT she decides to become!). I have been lucky to be supported.

Surround yourself with people who will help and support you, and fight! *hug* I'll shut up now!

(by the way, Jester.... you are a wise and empathetic person, and I wish I knew you IRL. Your posts in almost every instance have struck me with the force of your conviction and personality, and I admire you greatly.)

[PhotoChick]

I'm going though custody issues as well so this really hits me. I'm sorry for all the problems, I wish I could say it gets better, but my girls are now a year old. We've been doing since before they were born. Two states later and were still fighting. Just remember what your fighting for, your baby. As for the letter, unless you already found a lawyer, forget them for now. Send the letter, detail your side of the issue. Basicly, your response to here complaint for custody. If you need to respond to her accussation paragraph by paragraph. At the end, tell them you are planning to file for custody. To format it for the court. At the top of the letter write, both your name and address, his mom's name and address and the case number. At the end of the letter sign it. The type your name, address and phone number. If you have any questions you can PM me.

[MystyGlyttyr]

You know, and this might not get you anywhere, but, speaking as a member of the media...

...have you gone to the media? It could be a longshot, but if you can get them looking into this, judges and/or lawyers are going to start jockeying for position, and if you have all the evidence and a potent enough story on your side, it'll be for YOUR position.

Like I said, it could be a longshot, but...you never know when it'll be a slow news day and someone will be chomping at the bit for any random human interest story.

Beyond that, I don't know the first thing about family law so I'll cede that to the others here, but trust me, if you can get the right reporter at the right time, it could be a goldmine in your favor. I can't tell you the havoc my little ol' paper has wrought when a crying mother showed up on the right day while the editor was in an ass-kicking mood. (Seriously, I can't tell you. Gag orders got involved. It got that violent.)

[SengaKitty]

Something I noticed when going through the papers was this. According to everything that I've read, it is not considered abandonment until 30 days after the person leaves the home, and then only when the other parent does not know where the person went, and doesn't have an agreement in place as to when they can see the child.

Some of these papers were filed within FOUR DAYS of me leaving Alabama. The temporary custody order, filed May 30th, reads "In his Petition, the Father alleges that the natural mother, RHPG, has abandoned the Petitioner and the minor child prior to the date of the filing of this petition." Yeah, I left him with his girlfriend sleeping in OUR bed.... May 24th. So this order was put in place SIX days after I left.... That doesn't make sense to me... Can anyone clarify?

[SengaKitty]

Just talked to the court again. They said that they could show a fax to the judge, but it might not be enough to stop him from giving Her custody before an actual mailed letter got there, because it would not be an "Official filing" UGH why does this all seem to be going against me?!

[strawbabies]

FedEx the letter to the judge's office.

[Jester]

...have you gone to the media?

...if you can get the right reporter at the right time, it could be a goldmine in your favor.

And it could backfire on her too. For instance, if MIL and Idiot were friends of mine, and RHPG went to the media, I would advise them to be pro-active, go to a number of media outlets themselves, and give interviews with responses like this:

"We want only what is best for Baby. We are not seeking publicity or begging for attention, like RHPG seems to be. She claims to want custody of Baby, but very shortly after he was born, she left him, left the very STATE, and is now living in another state with some guy who we know nothing about, and working a deadend job. She has made no effort to see Baby, and now suddenly she wants custody? She can say what she wants, but we simply want to give Baby the home that he desperately needs."

There is nothing to say that they won't paint RHPG as a neglectful mother who doesn't care about her child, ran off to be with some guy, is a whore, a druggie, and basically a waste of skin whose son would be better off in every way without her, and who now is simply seeking attention for herself rather than really caring about her son.

Harsh? Sure. True? No. But since when does truth have anything to do with this. That is how they will portray her in the media, if they think to react to her media blitz. It's what I would do if I were them. And frankly, it is very likely what they are going to say in any court proceedings.

So be prepared for the above and even worse, RHPG. It could, and very likely WILL, get ugly. But at least in a court you have a judge used to sifting through claims and searching for facts rather than the media-reading public, that will often take sides without knowing all the facts.

Going to the media is a gamble that, at this time, I think would be unwise. She should focus her energies here on going through the system, fighting the attempt at MIL to get full custody, and getting her baby back. Just my opinion.

The temporary custody order, filed May 30th, reads "In his Petition, the Father alleges that the natural mother, RHPG, has abandoned the Petitioner and the minor child prior to the date of the filing of this petition." Yeah, I left him with his girlfriend sleeping in OUR bed.... May 24th. So this order was put in place SIX days after I left.... That doesn't make sense to me... Can anyone clarify?

Sure. They are playing fast and loose with the truth, as I kind of figured they would. But you need to repeat all the facts you have told us, including the timeline, in your response to the custody request by the MIL.

Just talked to the court again. They said that they could show a fax to the judge, but it might not be enough to stop him from giving Her custody before an actual mailed letter got there, because it would not be an "Official filing" UGH why does this all seem to be going against me?!

Well then what you need to do is work on that letter TONIGHT, get it all nice and good and ready and professional, and overnight it first thing in the morning. Feel free to PM me if you want help with the wording or content, and if you'd like to talk, we can do that too.

[SengaKitty]

Thank you all again for your advice. I just got back from my church (A unitarian universalist church), where they were helping out people who'd lost power, allowing them to use the kitchen and having a community dinner, not only for those without power, but simply for those affected by the power outage (like my household, since my job is what pretty much pays for groceries since it's cash in hand). Before the meal, I talked to my minister. I have an appointment with her at 10am. She's going to help me pay for legal services (a group that helps you represent yourself, a starting fee of $98, which I don't have, but she is going to use church funds to help with since I am a member of the church), she's going to help me with them and the wording of the letter, and then she's going to help me overnight the letter to the courthouse.

I am going to fight to get my son back. And even if I lose, as you all said, when it comes to a later time, should MIL try to adopt my son, or WHEN I try to get him back again, at least they'll see I fought, and didn't take this lying down. And my son, when he's old enough, will also know that I didn't give him up with out one hell of a fight.

Also, if anyone is willing to chat, my instant messenger information is on my profile... I'll get that before I get a PM.... I could really use some people to talk to, though I'm feeling a lot better after talking to my minister.

[tollbaby]

Well, I'd IM you, but my computer at home is on the fritz, and I don't have access to IM programs at work *blush* not like I should be on here either, but a girl's got to retain *some* sanity...

Hopefully your appointment with the minister this morning will go well, and I would still recommend faxing the letter to the judge BEFORE you overnight it (that way they can't say you didn't file it in time - it's not an official filing, but it at least counts as intent to file, which once they're aware of, they can't legally do a damn thing, from what my lawyer tells me).

Your ex is an absolute jerk. He obviously has very little interest in this baby, but doesn't want YOU to have him either. This is some twisted, vindictive game to him, so you need to expect him to not pull any punches, especially if he has the support of his family.

As for custody, I would recommend going for full custody with supervised visitation only, since the father is actively trying to keep you from seeing your own child, and there is a major flight risk there, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

Keep us posted! If you want to chat offline, I have flat-rate long distance ;) Just PM me here on the forum if you want to talk.

[SengaKitty]

To all of you who've been helping me: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you. All morning I've been at the church working on getting my son back. I've talked to god knows how many law services and women's shelters. My minister and others who work at the church. The church gave me a check for $100, and, as I was leaving, one of the ladies who works there came up to me, put her arm around me and said "It isn't much, but take this" I tried to say no, thank you, but she said "I was going to give it to the church, I'd rather give it to you." I damn near broke down.

I did break down on the phone with one of the women's centers, and with one of the lawyers. One of the women's centers in Alabama put me in touch with a Law School there, where the more advanced students work under supervision to help women in need. One of them called me back, and I told her my story. She's going to talk to her supervisor and call me back, but many people have told me that, while I probably have a hard battle ahead because of lack of evidence, I DO have a strong case...

I'd especially like to thank Jester. You've been an amazing help, and a great friend. The letter you helped me draft, the lawyer said it was good. I faxed it before leaving the church, and will be mailing it, along with character reference letters from my minister, as well as friends from the church, to the judge next week.

[SengaKitty]

The girl from the law school called me back, and I now have legal representation! Thank you thank you thank you thank you all so much for your help... I'm going to keep you informed, but right now i've got to go type up the papers I got from the court, because, with it being in a juvenile court, she wasn't able to pull up the documents.....

[Kheldarson]

I've just been lurking and reading as this develops...but would like to say congrats on getting a lawyer and I'll be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts as this continues to develop.

Lots of luck :hug:

[Jester]

I'd especially like to thank Jester. You've been an amazing help, and a great friend.

:o No problem. Seriously, you needed help, and I can write. No big deal. And if nothing else, it's a karmic balance against the evilness I am doing by attending The Worst Girlfriend I've Ever Had's court hearings. :lol:

The letter you helped me draft, the lawyer said it was good.

That's good. My mother always said I should have been a lawyer. But that always seemed like a lot of work, and it involves [shudder] mornings.

[SengaKitty]

Yeah, I'm not much of a morning person myself... It's 12:30pm and my sister just called to find me sleeping *yawn* Wanted to go back that way but SO said NO. So I'm just gonna read a book for a bit....

Oh but for the update. That Answer and Waiver ex-Idiot signed? That was him signing his parental rights over to his mother. As far as the law is concerned his no longer my baby's father. MIL is also saying that I've been calling threatening to come get the baby and shit like that. I've called her TWICE in the past month. Once to ask her how the baby was since Gustav was first mapped to go right over them, and to let her know my vacation plans and ask if she'd bring my so to see me. The second time was after I got the papers, I called and my words were "Hey, it RHPG, please give me a call back when you get the chance at 555-555-5555"..... And Ive only called ex-idiot once since this happened with the same words left on his machine, which I found out today he no longer has that cell phone. GRAHHHHHHHHHH STUPID BITCH

[Jester]

RHPG, I would suggest that you thoroughly document any and all future contact with MIL and Idiot. If it's technically possible, record any phone convos you have. That way, it wouldn't be her word against your word, but her word against....her words! :lol:

[SengaKitty]

Well according to my sister, she has these things recorded. I don't see how since I've NEVER threatened to come get him! WTF?! I'm not going to call her or Idiot again. I'm going to let my attorney do all the talking. But I'm deffinately writing down what my sister said she said, though I realize that's hearsay...

[Jester]

Better yet, get the actual recordings from your sister. THAT is not hearsay.

And I know you said you are not going to call them, but you may, and more to the point, they may call you, so it would be good for you to have such things recorded.

Just a thought.

[SengaKitty]

My sister doesn't have the recordings. MIL told my sister SHE has recordings... How do you record a convo on a cell phone??? any ideas? anyone?

[Bandit]

Quick answer is that it's not that easy unless you have lots of wires, headsets and a tape recorder/computer handy to do it.

I'd be tempted to see about calling MIL out on the whole recording issue. While it's not easy to record a cell call, the cell provider would have some very nice usage records. Dates, times, numbers called, number that called.....all that good stuff. ;)

Eta: It might also have been illegal for the MIL to even think about recording calls - if either one of you is in a "two party"* state, and it wasn't "told" that you would be recorded.....busted.

*two party state - both parties on a call need to know and consent to the call being recorded.

B

[iradney]

Depends on the cellphone, but as far as I know, all cell phones will make periodic beep noises during the recording so that the other party is aware of the recording. Do you recall hearing any beeps?

[SengaKitty]

Nope, never. The only time I hear that is when I'm on my fiance's phone and that happens any time I talk to anyone from his phone, but it's more like a call waiting or he's got a voicemail type beep. But I've never called HER from his phone, nor have I called Idiot from his phone.

[wolfie]

My sister doesn't have the recordings. MIL told my sister SHE has recordings... How do you record a convo on a cell phone??? any ideas? anyone?

Don't know about your cellphone, but mine has a speakerphone feature. Switch to that (or if yours doesn't, but supports Bluetooth, a BT speakerphone would work), and an ordinary tape recorder would do the trick. Best of all, no annoying "you are being recorded" beep to alert idiot's mother - just be sure both of you are in "one party" states before doing this.

[Jester]

Hey, maybe they recorded your calls, maybe they didn't. Lord knows they have lied before....why wouldn't they lie about this, to try to intimidate you? But honestly, even if they recorded you, what exactly do they think they can do with those recordings?

Right. Bupkus. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

[Becks]

Is there any way you can subpoena phone records to prove that you don't call that often?

[SengaKitty]

I don't have to subpoena them :) I can go online and get my phone records... Thank god for T-Mobile... And I agree Jester. Even if they did record our conversations, I never made any threats like that, so what good are they going to be to them?

[jedimaster91]

Oh my heck, girl. I can't imagine what you're going through. I don't have kids (yet), but darn if I wouldn't fly into a seething rage of gall and spittle in your position. I'll be prayin for ya. I know this has already been a long process and it's not over by a long shot, but I pray you get your precious baby boy back soon.

EDIT: Just sent you a request on MSN.

[SengaKitty]

Update time:

OK, so the attorney called today and said they cannot do ANYTHING for me unless I come back to Alabama, as in for more than just the hearing. That just is NOT possible. I'd have no where to live there, and I have a job and bills here. SO I'm pretty much back to square one. First thing tomorrow I'll be headed to the post office to overnight the letter Jester helped me draft to the court, so that it can be entered in.

Any new advice anyone? And can anyone explain why this is in a Juvenile court and not family court?????

[Kheldarson]

Maybe it's the state's preference? Not sure what else it could be... (most my law knowledge comes from Law and Order so....)

[tollbaby]

It's likely in juvenile court because it's to determine the best interests of the child.

[SengaKitty]

Yeah, but wouldn't you think a custody case would be in family court?

[tollbaby]

Not in cases of child abandonment (which your ex has claimed you did, and he did so when he signed over his own parental rights). It's a case of finding a guardian for a child who, as far as the court is concerned, has been abandoned. Now granted, I'm not a lawyer, and I don't know your local laws. I just know that's how it's handled in Ontario.

[Jester]

OK, so the attorney called today and said they cannot do ANYTHING for me unless I come back to Alabama, as in for more than just the hearing.

Sounds like a load of crap to me. I would get a second opinion from another lawyer or law firm.

Of course, I am not a lawyer, nor versed in Alabama family law, so I could very well be completely wrong on this matter. There is the possibility that they are correct.

That just is NOT possible. I'd have no where to live there, and I have a job and bills here.

And if they are correct, you are going to have to make a difficult decision.

You can either stay in Kentucky and admit defeat and watch as your child becomes the legal ward of your former mother-in-law. Or you can do whatever you can to relocate (at least temporarily) back to Alabama to fight for custody. It won't be easy, of course. I would see if your fiance would be willing to move back with you, and/or if your job would allow you to transfer to an Alabama location, if they have one. It wouldn't be easy, of course, but it might be necessary, if the law firm you talked to was correct.

I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. This is a decision you would have to make on your own. Hopefully the lawyer you talked to is wrong on this matter, as I have known people who have fought for custody across state lines. But you may have to face the possibility that this is a choice you are going to have to make if they are, in fact correct.

Either way, good luck!

[SengaKitty]

I am not going to sit here and tell you what to do. This is a decision you would have to make on your own. Hopefully the lawyer you talked to is wrong on this matter, as I have known people who have fought for custody across state lines. But you may have to face the possibility that this is a choice you are going to have to make if they are, in fact correct.

Either way, good luck!

Actually, I may not have been very clear. The attorney said that they could not represent met if I did not come to Alabama. Something to do with the law school's rules I guess... She never gave me an exact reason, just "My supervisor said so". I can, and will, however, represent myself in this matter, and get my son back asap... At least... I'm going to try.

[Jester]

Ooooohhhh....so you can still fight for custody from Kentucky, you just can't have the law school represent you. THAT makes a lot more sense, especially if the law school is attached to the state in some way.

On another point, be careful if you decided to represent yourself. If your ex-MIL has a lawyer, and I am guessing she does, that could be very difficult for you. You might want to look into other avenues for obtaining professional legal representation, as "the person who represents themselves has a fool for a client," as they say.

[SengaKitty]

Well, I may have to represent myself, but I just got a call from someone in Alabama, a friend who I've been trying to get in touch with, as she's the only eye-witness to the abuse that would actually say anything (the only others won't say anything cause one is Idiot's girlfriend and the other is her friend). She's going to try and find me a lawyer down there who'll work probono, she's also going to write a statement to the judge...

[Jester]

Better than a statement, get an affidavit from her attesting to what she has seen.

[wagegoth]

Better than a statement, get an affidavit from her attesting to what she has seen.

She's probably referring to a witness statement, which is sworn to by the signer. It usually filed with the court.

[SengaKitty]

Oh. My. God. What the hell is wrong with people? Why can't my family support me? In the one thing that's most important, why can't my family be behind me, instead of constantly berating me and saying "You'll lose, you will NOT win, you're doing the wrong thing." This is MY SON. They don't know what I went through living in Alabama, because I won't tell them.... But why can't they understand that every day I'm away from my son, a little piece of me dies?

[Evil Queen]

Wait, your family isn't behind you on this?
(the full collection of emotions follows)

:eek:
:jawdrop:
:mad:
:censored:
:rant:
:pissed:

What is wrong with them?!?!! :burnup:

[SengaKitty]

No, they're not. My mother is the one who called DHR originally and reported me for "abandonment". My sister keep saying "You can't win this. You can't win this. You're going to lose. Why can't you think of what's best for your son? He doesn't even KNOW you! You're going to lose"... My dad's not even talking to me... And my brothers? Well they don't bring it up.

[Evil Queen]

:jawdrop:

Time for new family. I'll adopt you. :D

[SengaKitty]

I have new family :) Though I'd love to join yours :D River's family is amazing, his aunt is 100% behind me, and his mother can't wait to meet her "grandson"

[Jester]

They don't know what I went through living in Alabama, because I won't tell them....

If they are saying and thinking the things you've said here, it is time for you to TELL them what you went through in Alabama. Make them understand that you didn't leave on a whim or abandon your son, but 1. Idiot was abusive, 2. Idiot was cheating, and 3. Idiot had originally told you he would bring your son to you.

If you don't tell your family why you did what you did, how can you honestly expect them to back you? They may only SEE you having abandoned your son, because they don't KNOW what happened.

And you don't need to tell them just for their moral support, love. You need to tell them for the upcoming hearings, because the LAST thing you need is for MIL's lawyer to parade your own family through the courtroom saying how you are unfit and abandoned your child.

Tell them. Tell them now.

[Dreamstalker]

Ye flipping gods, a lot has transpired since I last read this thread.

*HUGS* RHPG, you have every particle of good karma I can possibly spare right now (McGriff also sends furry GoodThoughts).

[SengaKitty]

Thanks Dreamstalker, it's much appreciated, and give McGriff snugs for me...

Jester, I CAN'T tell them because they won't believe me. Someone told my sister that Idiot was hitting me back around August of last year, and I told her it wasn't true, told my dad it wasn't true, even though it was... That person told them, because he saw a bruise on my arm that was from Idiot grabbing me and pushing me around.... If I tried to tell them now, without someone to back up the statements, they wouldn't believe me....

By the way, Jester, those friends who came up the other day with my godson? They used to live with me and Idiot before we got married, and witnessed him throw a carton of cigarettes at me, raise his hand to me (not actually hit me), threaten things like "I'm going to slit your throat", and even once try to push me down the stairs... I may take them with me when I go to court.....

[Jester]

Red, you HAVE to tell them. You can explain to them why you didn't tell them before, you can have your friends who witnessed it back you up, you can be embarrassed and ashamed about lying to them, you can ask for their forgiveness for doing so, but you HAVE to tell them, and either make them believe you or be so adamant about it that they get that doubt burrowed into their brains. Remember, lots of abused women--hell, probably MOST abused women--lie to their friends and family about the abuse, so this is nothing new.

You. Have. To. Tell. Them. NOW!

If for no other reason that for your son. I was not kidding about the legal proceedings, and any lawyer worth his salt would make a point out of interviewing your family, especially if his clients (Idiot and MIL) said that they didn't believe you.

Have I steered you wrong yet?

[Evil Queen]

Sorry Red, but I can't back you if you can't stand up to the past and tell your family the truth. They deserve at least that much.

Best of luck to you.

[tollbaby]

*hug* I know we talked about this last night, but I really think you should tell them the truth, have your friend back you up, and keep fighting. You know this will all be worthwhile in the long run, and any embarrassment and suffering now will be rewarded later on. Have faith that nothing will be thrown at you that you can't handle.

[wagegoth]

I have a cousin who didn't leave her abusive husband until he threatened her child from a previous marriage. She never told us until the day she called me to help her move.

We didn't know about my sister being abused until my nephew (other sister's son) saw her get choked into unconsciousness and called the police.

Yes, my family did back them up. Both abusers stay the hell away from them. But we also understood the guilt and embarrassment and self-doubt suffered by victims of abuse.

However they react, you HAVE TO TELL THEM NOW. All of it, back to the beginning. If you're having trouble finding the words, put it in a letter. If you break down, you can give them the letter. If they call you a liar, remind them about what your friend saw and told them. Ask them for their support. Ask them to forgive your lies. Ask them to understand the fear. And then ask them to be your family again.

That's all you can do, but it's also everything you must do.

[1756GR2]

You have to tell them. Whether they choose to believe or not, you have to tell them. Re-read wise Jester's comments.

I didn't tell my family, either, for the various reasons everyone uses. When I moved out with the kids, I told my brother and sister that we needed to get my stuff out while husband wasn't around. They thought it odd, but didn't question. I was "outed" while shifting belongings because they both noticed I was jumpy as the proverbial cat on a hotplate every time I heard a noise.

When it came time for custody battle, it would have been more credible had they been able to tell of an ongoing story instead of the recap they heard after the fact. I would have lost _all_ credibility if they had to answer that I'd never mentioned any such thing. If you let them think the ex is a fine upstanding citizen, hon, you're lying to them about him and doing harm to yourself and your child.

[SengaKitty]

After talking to Jester extensively last night, I decided that I am going to tell my family... I'm probably going to call my big brother first, simply because he's the most understanding of the family... And he remembers my mom getting abused.... I don't know how I'm going to tell my mother that I allowed him to hit me, and try to strangle me, and didn't leave (or rather, left and came back) after everything she'd been through..... Her, my sister, and my dad are going to be the hardest ones to talk to.... because I LIED......

[SengaKitty]

So yeah. Just a bit of an update.... I talked to my mom, my dad and my grandparents (not in that order).

My grandparents were pretty much in my corner, agreeing I did the right thing in leaving, and wishing I could have gotten my son out with me, but are glad I'm fighting for him.....

My dad knew all along that Idiot was abusing me, but really couldn't say anything since I'd told him otherwise, even if he did know it was a lie. He also said that if he had the money (he's hardly had any work, cause people are paying so much in gas and food that they can't afford to have their air conditioning fixed) he'd help me... As is he thinks I'm doing the right thing fighting for my son.

My mother is a different story. Her words? "When you can show me that you can get your life straight, can be stable and a responsible parent, then I'll be happy to be in your corner. Until then? I've got to be in that baby's corner, and he needs a stable home. He doesn't need to be with you." Not really surprising since she's the one who called DHR on me in the first place.... My response to her? "I just wanted to let you know my side of the story. I'd love to have my mother in my corner, but if you can't be, I don't need you. I've got plenty of other people in my corner. Now, I've got to go cause I have to get up and go to work in the morning. I love you, bye." And hung up.... Only to break down moments later. To quote River (the fiance) "With family like that, who needs enemies?"

[BookstoreEscapee]

I'm glad that most of your family, at least, did not react as you feared they would. I haven't read this thread in a little bit, but I would also have encouraged you to tell your family. So I'm glad you did. Even if they can't help you financially, moral support is better than nothing. As for your mother, is the baby really in a "stable" situation now? Hopefully she'll come around, but if she doesn't, you should know you did the right thing telling them all the truth.

[SengaKitty]

I've still got two brothers and a sister to talk to.... But my brothers at least should be there for me... My sister? Yeah, I'm used to her calling me a liar, and well... I don't know... I'll tell her, but I'm not going to put up with her shit any more.... Excuse the language, but I just can't handle any more of her negativity... After I got off the phone with my mom, I broke down. River tried to console me, but I ended up pushing even him away, at least, for a little while... I just wantd to be alone. *sigh* My mom was always there for me when I needed her, until I had my baby. She's the one person I never thought would turn on me, now I almost wish she'd just disappear out of my life.

[Jester]

That may be, darlin', but I remember from our talk that your father was the one you absolutely were certain would not come around, and it sounds like he came around in spades. I am surprised by your mother's reaction, considering what she had been through herself, but you need to continue to bring your family into the loop. It won't be easy, but it is necessary.

I also hope you are finding some legal representation. And that you got your letter to the Court ASAP.

[SengaKitty]

Quick update and then it's off to a job interview. Talked to my sister last night. She, like my father, knew that Idiot was abusing me, but said that she couldn't do anything if I didn't tell them. She's behind me in trying to get my son back, but is worried I'm going to be hurt, like she was when her ex-mother-in-law helped her ex-husband get custody of her kids 11/12 years ago... The whole "fighting money" thing..... But anyway, gotta run and take care of River's hand then off to my interview.... Bye!

[tollbaby]

Did I not call that when we talked? SO called it ;) I told you that your sister was likely just worried about you getting hurt. I remember how things went down when we got custody of my brother's daughter (now my daughter) seven years ago - my dad wouldn't even LOOK at that baby because he was afraid of getting attached to her, and he was TOTALLY against me applying for custody. Then she came to live with us, and let me tell you, that little girl is her grandpa's princess ;)

How's the lawyer search going?

[SengaKitty]

So far no lawyer, but I've been doing research, and if I have to, I will represent myself. Just got back from my job interview, and it went really well :) I should know something Wednesday.... And hopefully me working two jobs (one full time with insurance, the other part time for extra money to help take care of my son), should show the judge just how serious I am about this.....

[Jester]

Damn it woman, get a lawyer!

I know, I know, I know--but get a farkin' lawyer!

Now, towards that goal, I have included this link to Alabama Legal Aid (http://www.lawhelp.org/AL/), which gives you a resource for finding a lawyer, AND puts the documents you'll need at your fingertips, AND guides you through certain things you'll need to know for your upcoming custody battle.

You also might want to check out this (http://public.findlaw.com/library/state-legal-aid.html) and this (http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/free-legal-aid-Alabama.html).

And I am sure if you do a little searching, you will find some more. But if at all possible, please don't represent yourself. And if you do have to do that, go in as informed as you can.

Thanks.

[SengaKitty]

I can't use ALA (reiterating this fact) because Dameon's not being abused... BUT I am researching all I can..... I am in touch with the DV Legal Resource center (DV = Domestic Violence) And they've sent me some information to help

[SengaKitty]

OK, well, it's been about a month since I posted an update here. So here it is. We have a court date. I will be in Alabama, in court, December 1st, at 10am. SO will probably be there with me... I'm going to be working to get my case together even more, even as I work as many hours as possible between then and now to have enough money to go down there.

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about how I was going to prove the verbal contract between Idiot and myself about him bringing Dameon to me by July 23rd... Then I thought, why not get him up on the stand, under oath? One of two things will happen. He'll tell the truth, thus perjuring (spel?) himself on the things he told the judge in the first place (back when he and his mother requested temporary custody), and I will (hopefully) get custody. Or, option 2, he'll lie, under oath, and I'll have affidavits as well as dated posts from another board to back me up, proving he's lying through his teeth, thus perjuring himself, not only on what he told the judge in the first place, but also right there in the courtroom.

I'm hoping to be able to blow their case out of the water this way... Any advice? Opinions? Thoughts?

And yes, I'll be going to the Center for Women and Families to see what kind of help I can get in this, both legal and financial, as the court gave me less than a month to get together the money to get down there.