Advice Desperately Needed (Long) (Relationship related)

[varmintjane]

I didn't even know this "Off Topic" section existed until a few days ago, but it's good that I found it. I don't really post very often, but I am hoping that some of you guys will be able to offer me advice.

Last Saturday, September 30, my husband of one year and four months told me that he wants a divorce AND that he cheated on me the night before (Friday). That Friday, he wanted to have a "boy's night out" and I was fine with that. Then midnight rolled around and he told me he wanted to stay out a bit later (he was plastered at this point). I wanted him to come home at 2AM. After that, I couldn't reach him for the rest of the night.

I figured out where he was at around 3AM and went to go pick him up. I got to his friend's apartment and he was not there. I was worried b/c when he drinks a certain amount of alcohol, he does stupid things. No one knew (or would tell me) where he was. I thought that he had gotten up in a drunken haze and tried walking home or something. I was afraid he was passed out in a ditch somewhere. I called the hospital and the police to see if they had picked anyone up. I drove around until 5AM looking for him. I stayed over at the friend's house until 8AM and drove around once more looking. I even checked the river nearby. I finally went home to charge my phone and called him one last time. He answered and told me he'd be home soon but first he wants to get something to eat with a friend of his. I was so relieved I cried.

When he got home, he apologized for worrying me, took a shower and we went to sleep. Once we woke up, it was like he couldn't wait to get out of the apartment. I went grocery shopping and everything and then met him at his friend Matt's apartment. Saturday night was supposed to be our date night. I got all dressed up and when I got to Matt's, he had already been drinking again and had invited two of his friends to come to the movies with us. I knew something was up, but I tried acting normal. I drank some wine, enough to get drunk, while he and Matt kept going outside to smoke. Finally, after crying in the car for about 15 minutes, I went back inside and asked him if he had something to tell me.

He took me into Matt's computer room, sat me down and started to cry. He told me that he cheated on me with a girl who lived next door to his friend and that he thinks we should break up. He seemed really upset and we both held each other and cried for about half an hour. He said it was nothing that I had done, but that he is a shitty person and can't be in a relationship right now. He said he'd always love me and he can picture himself spending the rest of his life with me. Just not right now.

We've been living in the same apartment since then and we've talked about it a lot. I am leaving North Dakota to go back to Georgia on the 14th. I think I have dealt with it pretty well so far. We've been acting like friends since Sunday, even though we have both cried a lot since then. I'm confused that we both seem to be taking it so well. I know he is going to fall apart fo awhile once I leave. I'm going back to my family but he will only have his friends to help him here. I'm worried more about him than I am about myself.

I know he's going to be having a lot of sex, but I can't even imagine dating right now. I know that part of me will always be waiting for him to want to be with me again. I can't imagine dating other guys with him sitting in the back of my mind. I know that when/if I do start to date, even if it's a year from now, he will be jealous. I want him to be in my life because we have been best friends for two years and I can't imagine not being in contact with him. I know I need to learn to be independent, but I am scared of failing. If he were to ask me back tomorrow, I would say no because it's too soon, but six months from now would be a totally different story. I think if we ever get back together, we'll have to take it slower than we did before.

I met him when a few months after turning 18. I lost my virginity to him about six weeks after we started dating. We moved in together four months after we started dating and were engaged three months after that. We got married June of 2005 after he graduated from basic training. I gave up going to a very prestigious college and moved across the country to Texas and then to North Dakota for him. Looking back I can see that we moved too fast because we were so happy to have (finally) found each other.

I know that the separation is for the best right now, but I don't know how realistic it is to remain friends. I don't know if the fact that I still want to be there for him is b/c I'm a doormat or b/c I'm a "good" person. I know we both need to grow up apart from each other, but I don't want to get to the point where we only call each other once every few months and become like strangers. He may get orders to Valdosta, GA early next year, which is two hours away from where I'll be living for a while.

I guess I just need to know if I am handling this the right way and if I am totally fucked up and if it really is possible for us to be good friends. I guess I also needed to vent. Talking helps a lot, but I know I am going to be a mess when it comes time to say our final goodbyes nine days from now.

[Rapscallion]

If he's genuinely feeling guilty, he won't be going out and having a load of sex. Other than that, I have to admit that I'm no expert on these matters. He sounds as if he means it when he says he feels guilty from what you put here.

Some relationships can survive a single incident of cheating. Some can't. The relationship, however, is made up of two people, so it depends on you and him.

I'll leave it to others more versed in this, but my best advice is to give it time.

Rapscallion

[One-Fang]

Maybe you should look for some advice in your local area. Check your yellow pages and health centres for relationship counselling. Not necessarily for you both as a make-up thing, but even just for you to talk to someone who knows what you're going through.

Upshot is, you've known this guy just over two years total. Don't panic if he's not the complete and total soul mate you thought he was.

[LostMyMind]

From reading your post, varmintjane. I would say your hubby has a problem with alcohol. Assuming he was cheating while drunk. You and your hubby needs to seek out a counselor to deal with the problems in your marriage.

**Forgot to add
Since your hubby is in the military. Adultery is still a crime in the military. So if your hubby want to have a future in the military, he need to stop committing adultery until a divorce or legal separation (if it comes to that).

[varmintjane]

Oh, believe me, I know he has an alcohol problem. That's part of the reason that I will be worried when I leave. There have been times when he and his friends are driving around with an underage kid who has also been drinking AND a drunk driver. If they get pulled over like this they will most likely be immediately kicked out of the AF. Instead of calling a cab or asking me to drive them to somewhere, they all just pile in because they don't realize that something bad could happen. I'm hoping that he will work on it before it's' too late. I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is tell him to take care of himself and try not to care anymore. He's been drinking almost every night since he told me he wants to get a divorce.

We are past couples counseling at this point. I know he wants to have sex with other people and since I know he's only looking for physical relationships at this point, it doesn't bother me as much as it probably should. I have accepted that we won't be together for at least six months to a year. If we do get back together, the divorce will already be final and we will just start off dating. If the dating turns into more, then counseling will be a condition of continuing the relationship. I wonder if we had gotten counseling before getting married if we could have avoided this whole mess or if we would have even listened.

I don't think the military really prosecutes adultery all that often. We aren't going to get divorced until our credit card debt is paid off. He also doesn't want to tell his supervisors because they could cancel the orders he is wanting to get. He's only in for the four years anyway. If he gets kicked out he'll end up living with his parents or his aunt or a friend or something.