I have a slight problem... (venting, quite long)

[BroSCFischer]

..and it's my sister.

Let me give some background. "Lynn" is a 24 yr old, mother of 1 (soon to be 2). She is married to a great guy (it was a shotgun wedding after they had been going out for less than 6 months, which I think is part of the problem). Sure he has his faults (he is human) but Lynn takes can't seem to calm down about ANYTHING. She has FREE babysitters (my mom, her in-laws, and myself and my other sister when available), that she takes complete advantage of.

And she complains about everything. And it's not just because she's pregnant. The legitimate complaints get lost in the mix of her complaints.

For example: She, her husband, and his best friend were having dinner. The friend made a rude comment, which her husband didn't confront him about (legitimate complaint). When she talked to him about it, he kind of brushed it off.
Then she complained to me about it. She seemed more upset that Andy's friends weren't her friends. She insisted that married people should both have the same friends, and when I told her it doesn't always work that way, and it's perfectly fine to have friends like that, she kept insisting "It isn't right.":banghead:

I told her she had a legitimate complaint about the rude comment, and to just say that she didn't want to have to put up with that in her home,and that he (the friend) wasn't welcome back until he apologized about it. She kept on pressing her point, and felt that "Barry" wasn't listening to her.

I then said that she and her husband should seek some marriage counseling. She said that wouldn't work, that the person they saw was crappy, and when I suggested his Pastor, she said he was worthless as well. I then reiterated that she needed to go to a GOOD marriage counselor, and that she shouldn't discount the suggestion because of a bad one.

She then started saying that she shouldn't have to put up with this, and that she was going to leave Barry and get a divorce :eek: (not the first time for her to use this threat). I told her to calm down, and since it appeared that I wasn't helping, I got a hold of my mom and explained the situation.

Now "Barry" has had to put up with Lynn for going on 4 years now, and he is literally getting worn out from the complaining. :deadhorse: I am really afraid that he is going to take her up on her threat one of these days, and then she will be a "single mom.":hairpull:

On top of that, it is quite literally getting to the point that I don't want to talk to my sister on the off chance that something went wrong at home, and she'll drag me into it.:runaway: She's alienating my mom by asking for advice and then getting upset when Mom's advice isn't what she wanted to hear.:burnup:

She is also going to see my dad, who literally said my mom was crazy, because she insists that her daughter should get to know that side of the family. This is after nearly 8 years of NO interaction with that side of the family, period. Needless to say, this doesn't please my mom either.:pissed:

Whatever advice you guys care to give would be appreciated.:( This is just the tip of the iceberg, there is a lot more to it.:o

I just don't know what to do anymore:shrug:

SC:help:

[iradney]

If someone asks for my advice, then doesn't use it or agree with it, I stop giving it to them. When they ask why, I just tell them they never use it, so why bother? If she nags, cut her dead. Hang up the phone, walk off, whatever. She just wants to feel validated by having someone say "yes, you're right, he's a bastard." She doesnt' want to hear "You need to work on this, a relationship is like a rare plant that needs regular daily care."

[tollbaby]

I totally agree with iradney. My mom used to complain and whine and moan about my deadbeat brother. He was 25, living at home, not holding down a job, not going to school, bumming money from my parents CONSTANTLY, my mom was buying him cigarettes....

I finally blew up at her one day. I said I left home at 17, and I fell flat on my face, but I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and made a go of it. I sorted it out for myself. We'd been telling her for YEARS to kick my idiot brother out, and he'd fall on his ass a few times and then sort himself out, but she wouldn't do it, because what if he couldn't do it? UGh. So I finally blew up at her and told her that if she didn't make him either get a job or get out, that I didn't want to listen to her bitching about him anymore.

She never said another word to me complaining about my brother, but two months later, he moved in with his girlfriend, and now - at 28 - is a responsible, decent guy (he's actually just been promoted to supervisor at work). He went out on his own and he didn't die, ma... see? :P

I'd recommend telling your sister that she'll always be your sister, and you'll always love her, but she's got to grow up and start dealing with her own problems. Then stop giving her advice or listening when she bitches about everything around her. Just make an excuse to get off the phone - oh, dinner's burning! Oh, someone's at the door! She'll figure it out eventually, and either quit being so negative, or keep on being, but you won't have to hear it.

[Rapscallion]

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives. Just because you're related to one degree or another makes no odds - a deadbeat is a deadbeat.

Rapscallion

[protege]

I totally agree with iradney. My mom used to complain and whine and moan about my deadbeat brother. He was 25, living at home, not holding down a job, not going to school, bumming money from my parents CONSTANTLY, my mom was buying him cigarettes....

I've gone on about my brothers before. Right now, they're both still living at home (one's 29, the other 26), and neither one is really interested in moving out. Both bitch about how "bad" it is. Uh, let me get this straight--you pay minimal rent, my parents tolerate you mooching off of them, and it sucks? Don't like it there? Get a better job, and move the hell out! What pisses me off, is that my parents then complain about how they still live there. Again, you created the situation, and now you're bitching about it? Give me a break!

Granted, living on my own is a bit lonely, and cash is sometimes tight. However, I can do what I want. No more having to turn the radio all the way down (nearly off!) because it keeps my mother up at night. How the hell a nearly-silent object can do that is a mystery... No more having to put the model stuff away at night; no more listening to arguments, etc. It's awesome :D

[Evil Queen]

I love living on my own and have ever since day one. Sure, I felt a little home sick a time or two (I moved cross country) but even through the bad times (I lost my job once; the cafe I was working at shut down a month and a half after I was hired on), there were some losses (my dog... I never did got to say goodbye) but hey, that's part of life.

You're born, you grow, you move out, you get a job, you grow older, get a dog, retire and die a happy happy person.

My Aunt C is one of those people you know but wish you didn't; she's rude, complains contantly and continued to live at home utnil she was 28. She recently moved out and 4 hours from home but still calls my grandmother (her adopted mother; originally she was my cousin) to bitch about how she was a horrible mother and in the same breath asks if she can be C's alarm clock.

Just set the alarm on your cell phone you stupid cow!! :hairpull:

[TheComputerError]

I have a similar problem, yet mine is in advanced stages.

My sister (L), met a guy (C) in college and "fell in love". Christmas Eve, they got engaged. New Years Day, I get a call informing me that my sister is pregnant. Shotgun wedding time. February 12 (4 days before my birthday), she gets married (and I do almost all the work at the ceremony and reception). Six months later, my darling niece R is born. Nine months later, she's pregnant again (with my other niece B). During this whole time, they are fighting and yelling and being utterly disrespectful toward each other. She didn't have a job and didn't clean the house at all, expecting him to clean and do the laundry on the weekends (after he worked two jobs all week).

Fast forward to this past summer. R is turning 3 at the end of summer and B is turning 2 in January. Well, wouldn't you know? L and C are getting divorced. My sister claims that he's been beating her all this time, but I'm not sure I can believe that honestly. I understand that women in abusive relationships have a hard time extricating themselves from the situation, but my sister is a former hockey player who could kick most guys' asses any day. She'd have fought back. It's uncharacteristic of her not to have stood up for herself.

I'd love to stick by my family, but when I was blamed for her financial troubles and the fetid squalor in her house, it makes it hard. Now, my mother is coming down on me telling me that I should be there for my sister because she'd do the same for me. Funny thing that. I broke up with my girlfriend and I didn't even get acknowledgment from L about it. I'm living single after breaking up with someone who I still love and am still friends with and she's moping because she's divorcing a man she claims beat her. Something's amiss there.

(History of family: Mom and dad divorced when I was 10. Dad lives in FL now and mom's in CA. L and I are in CT.)

Sorry if I hijacked this thread. I don't have any advice other than just try to live for yourself. I know it's hard, but if you let people keep turning to you only when there are problems, that's all they'll come to you for.

[smileyeagle1021]

BroSCFisher, may I be the one to go against the crowd here... (well I'm still agreeing in a way)... has it occured to you that your sister just wants to vent and could care less about advice? I know my mother and grandma had that kind of relationship where my grandma knew that if my mother called saying "i need advice" the best thing for her to do was to just sit and listen, try to empathise with her, then say something along the lines of "I'll have to think on that, can I call you back in a little bit after I've thought of a good suggestion"... wait a couple of hours and call and say "do you need to vent a little more or are you ready for my suggestions"... and it worked... with people like that if you start giving them advice immediately before giving them a chance to cool down and vent it will only fuel their anger and frustration, which is what it sounds like is happening with your sister.

[BroSCFischer]

the best thing for her to do was to just sit and listen, try to empathise with her, then say something along the lines of "I'll have to think on that, can I call you back in a little bit after I've thought of a good suggestion"... wait a couple of hours and call and say "do you need to vent a little more or are you ready for my suggestions"... and it worked... with people like that if you start giving them advice immediately before giving them a chance to cool down and vent it will only fuel their anger and frustration, which is what it sounds like is happening with your sister.

Thanks, I'll give that a try next time.:D

You never know it just might work, but then again my sister does like being difficult.

SC