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View Full Version : The Saga of Mr Mullet!!


Crazeyal
12-20-2008, 08:04 AM
This story is related to it shouldn't's thread (http://www2.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=39958)about a wanna- be thief that tried to get some quick lessons in Home invasion. Thing is, depending on the municipality, you have to be LICENSED to do such break-ins. OR ... you have to work for a business that has a license. Calling the cops on such a person as the wanna-be isn't just a good idea.. it was considered part of the job.

I didn't want to thread jack, so I've made this one.

Once upon a time, there was a lonely alarm technician. His father had sold the family business and the poor technician had to work for nasty people. One of these people was Ira. Ira was like a teeny tiny troll. He was mean to EVERYONE.

(I worked for a Locksmith for a year. I was still an alarm tech, but this was a side business for the owner. I was supposed to be learning the trade of Locksmithing, but the most he'd have me do is sweep up the shop or stuff so basic I already knew it. The guy was the scum of the earth, but he only stole from people legally. What could I do.. It paid the bills.. We did plenty of lock changes, and some of them had to be break-ins. They'd have to show proof of residency and pay cash up front. PLUS, we almost always had the cops called if there was not enough ID present. The person calling is usually in a bathrobe or was in the process of throwing a significant other out of a home)


(We had a woman throw her BF out of the house, we come in and install an alarm system and change the locks. The alarm was so cheap I actually got to install some locks because I was done before the Locksmith was. One door one motion, plug it into the phoneline and outlet.... DONE!!)

(BF comes home while we are changing locks.)

Hello nice officer, could you show the screaming man to his car please?? yes.. Kindly inform him that I am not F%@*ing anyone on the premises and I am NOT interested in stealing his collection of eighties custom torn jeans... But nice mullet BTW...:lol:
Ohhhhh... Mister Mullet wants to THREATEN THE LOCKSMITHS while sitting in his car....

Police come back and give Mr Mullet some SHINY NEW BRACELETS!!!


:eek:

Mr Mullet is annnnnnnnnnnnnnngry now...

:cry:

He's gonna "KICK OUR :eek::censored::eek: !!"

Mr Mullet gets introduced to MR CAR HOOD!! Yaaaaaay!!:wave: Ooo:confused: Mr. Mullet didn't seem to hear Mr car hood too well.. The nice Policeman is MAKING DAMNdarn sure that Mr Mullet and Mr Car Hood can understand each other!!!

Mr Mullet and Mr Car Hood are having soooooooo much fun that they are SINGING together!!

BOING Iamgonna BOIROWW kickallofyer BAWinginginging asses

Mr Policeman liked the song so much, he did it FOUR TIMES!!! but by the fourth time.. Mr Mullet changed his tune....:cry:

BOING Iamnotresisting BOIROWW I'llbehave BAWinginginging lemmeleave!!

The song was still good enough to get the locksmiths, the alarm guy, the (very VERY ex-)Girlfriend AND the neighbors out to watch him sing it!!!

All in all, the locksmiths changed 2 locks, added deadbolts, put window locks on and I added an alarm system!! Mr Mullet was quiet for now, but he was NOT actually happy about this!!:eek::eek:

He went to my old boss to (for some reason SPEAKING POLITELY... at first) find out about changing the keys BACK!!! His key to the front door didn't work no more... THAT WASN'T FAIR!!! He politely asked for the owner to change the lock back.. ooooo Sorry Mr Mullet... not gonna happen! Okay.. (slightly louder) then HOW ABOUT THE NEW KEY *ahem* for the front door?

Nope! Not legal!! Can't do it...

(Mr Mullet got all red faced and asked what he was SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!?) My old boss said that all he could do was ask the lady NICELY and they could put in ALL NEW locks... again...


Mr Mullet got mad again...:cry:

BUT HE GOT TO MEET UP WITH HIS NEW BEST FRIEND MR CAR HOOD!!!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy:wave:

So... after the nice officers EXPLAINED to Mr Mullet that it WASN'T my Boss's FAULT and that he WASN'T ALLOWED to cuss and kick things in the store... Mr. Mullet got really nice and decided to apologize to EVERYONE!!!

Ira went and sold Mr Mullet alllllllll the things he would need to fix allllllllllll the doors in the house. Then Mr Mullet found out what it costs to have professional locksmiths install your locks for you!!!

MR MULLET GOT TO MEET UP WITH HIS NEW BEST FRIEND MR CAR HOOD AGAIN!!!!

But the Policeman got a little miffed.. Mr Mullet had DENTED Mr. Car Hood... He told Mr Mullet he couldn't come back to visit anymore... But Ira was actually nice... :eek: He gave Mr Mullet allllllllllllllll the screws and tools that he would need to change everything HIMSELF!!! Mr Mullet calmed down and went to talk to his ladyfriend..


WHO LOCKED THE DOOR AND CALLED THE POLICE!!



YAAAAAAAAY MR CAR HOOD GETS TO VISIT AFTER ALL!!!

And do you know what Mr Mullet tried to do then Boys and girls??

Can you say "All sales are final??""

I knew you could!!!


YAAAAAAAAY MR CAR HOOD GETS TO VISIT AGAIN!!!

OOoo

Bye Mr Mullet... bye....

fireheart
12-20-2008, 08:07 AM
Thaaanks now you've made me snort sour powder! :spew:

Crazeyal
12-20-2008, 08:15 AM
Thaaanks now you've made me snort sour powder! :spew:
My work here is done:angel:

SG15Z
12-20-2008, 08:19 AM
:roll::lol::roll::lol::roll:

omg :spew:that was great!! Yaaaaayyyyy mr. car hood! lol Well now if you excuse me Mr. Computer Screen needs to be cleaned. :spew:

Nyoibo
12-20-2008, 08:27 AM
That was epically amusing.

DeltaSierra
12-20-2008, 11:20 AM
I hereby nominate this for Post of the Week. I haven't laughed so hard in ages!!! :roll:

iradney
12-20-2008, 12:01 PM
Geeee Uncle Al!! You tell the BESTEST stories!!!

friendofjimmyk
12-20-2008, 12:43 PM
Anyone else picture Billy Ray Cyrus in his Mullet days? Or Joe Dirt?

This was hilarious!

Eric the Grey
12-20-2008, 01:12 PM
Al, that was awesome! My co-worker (and relief, it's time to go home!!!) now thinks I"m crazy as you. :lol:


:cool: Eric the Grey

Nurian
12-20-2008, 02:37 PM
:roll::roll:
I kept hearing this in the Mister Bill and Narrator voice.

Crazeyal
12-20-2008, 02:49 PM
:roll::roll:
I kept hearing this in the Mister Bill and Narrator voice.
Yeah.. ME too

:lol:

Chazzie
12-20-2008, 04:45 PM
Bwahahhaa. I am endlessly amused.

Poor Ex-Girlfriend. I know I wouldn't want to be in her shoes (Or bathrobe).

KiaKat
12-20-2008, 05:00 PM
*falls off chair laughing*

Epic. Absolutely epic. My cats and Other Half think I'm insane now.

Emrld
12-20-2008, 05:00 PM
Crazeyal - you are a wonderful story teller . . . .tell us more . . .pppppppppllllllllleeeeeeeeaaaaaassssssseeeeeee!

mscrybaby
12-20-2008, 05:43 PM
Love it WOW Mr. Carhood and Mr. Mullet should be best of friends now, very intimately associated.

jerkface11
12-20-2008, 05:54 PM
I pictured the whole thing as a stop motion animation. Like Rudolf.

Crazeyal
12-20-2008, 06:52 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!


"I'm... Mr... Brown Christmas I'm Mister WRONG!!"

*dancing white trash Elves commence*

:lol::lol::lol:

SteeleDragon78
12-20-2008, 07:34 PM
Al, i think i found your new calling in life if you ever decide to leave the cctv world. CHILDREN'S BOOKS. you could make millions!!

Crazeyal
12-20-2008, 08:11 PM
*Puts on sweater*


Won't you be.. Please won't you be.. My Neighbor....

http://rofl.wheresthebeef.co.uk/Rogers%20Evil.jpg

DGoddessChardonnay
12-20-2008, 08:21 PM
Anyone else picture Billy Ray Cyrus in his Mullet days? Or Joe Dirt?

This was hilarious!

Actually I was picturing Dwight Yokam's character from the movie "Sling Blade.":D

Otherwise, I was fighting to keep myself from falling out of the chair several times while reading the story.:roll:

Crazeyal
12-20-2008, 08:29 PM
It was DAMN close to ....

http://mugshotdujour.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/trevor-newbauer.jpg
That...

ADoyle90815
12-20-2008, 08:32 PM
This is definitely the funniest thread I've read here.:roll::lol:

BJD
12-20-2008, 08:35 PM
Doesn't netiquette require people to post a "Put your coffee down BEFORE you read this" type of warning when they're posting stuff that funny! :p

I agree with the others that suggested this should be post of the week! Funny and well illustrated! :roll:

-BJD

Crazeyal
12-20-2008, 08:41 PM
Okay.. Now I'm running a count. That's three monitors assaulted by this thread! :spew::spew::spew:

Lil Bunny
12-20-2008, 08:46 PM
Four. Diet pepsi is a bitch to clean up too.

Mike Taylor
12-21-2008, 03:51 AM
Wonderful, Ray. :D

Crazeyal
12-21-2008, 01:02 PM
Wonderful, Ray. :DThankee thankee

:devil:

Oh and....

:spew::spew::spew::spew:


heheheheh

eltf177
12-21-2008, 10:10 PM
When I saw the title I thought, "Mullet, this _can't_ be good!"

I was right, this was awsome! Luckly I'd finished my drink or you could add another keyboard to the list!

Crazeyal
12-22-2008, 01:53 AM
[Begin Claw voice]

Currrsessssss

Next time eltf... next tiiiiiiimmmmme....

[/Inspector Gadget moment]

Gabrielle Proctor
12-22-2008, 02:18 AM
I hate mullets. You thread has pretty colors....*drool*

DGoddessChardonnay
12-22-2008, 02:30 AM
Doesn't netiquette require people to post a "Put your coffee down BEFORE you read this" type of warning when they're posting stuff that funny! :p

Actually we have a long-standing rule that has survived Rap's midnite munchie spells . .

#1. Don't eat or drink anything while reading the posts on CS

I don't think anyone has been keeping a running tab of how many monitors and/or laptop screens get regular baths - but maybe we should (especially since we've got the IPF Ruined Christmas scorecard.):angel:

Emrld
12-22-2008, 03:20 AM
I saw on a TV show a new keyboard that is "washable"
now back to mullet meet carhood discussion in progress

PepperElf
12-22-2008, 08:56 AM
well i do disagree... there is ONE mullet out there that's OK... cos it's on MacGyver's head. but then again... Mac wouldn't be getting kicked out in the first place so that's a moot point ;)

tho i am curious... is it legal to sell the locksmith tools to Mr. Mullet, knowing he's going to try to break in illegally with them?

Crazeyal
12-22-2008, 01:05 PM
Why would Mac need tools? A stick of chewing gun and a paperclip would do just as well!! :lol:

gaspode
12-22-2008, 01:05 PM
I saw on a TV show a new keyboard that is "washable"
now back to mullet meet carhood discussion in progress

I could get one one for my next door neighbour,who actually did wash her keyboard and then asked why it didn't work(yes they are really that thick in walsall)

It shouldn't
12-22-2008, 06:11 PM
tho i am curious... is it legal to sell the locksmith tools to Mr. Mullet, knowing he's going to try to break in illegally with them?
Well, you can buy them on the internet "for demonstration purposes only" (and for 4x the price)

Buuuttt........
if the cops catch ya with them, you go down for posession of criminal tools.


And CrazyAl... make that 5 monitors .....

Now, how to explain the chochlate milk in the cracks of the monitor to the boss.

Crazeyal
12-22-2008, 06:34 PM
Sorry for the unclear information. "MM" was sold a SCREWDRIVER and doorknob installation tool. The tool is basically just a round strip of metal with a nub on the end to depress a spring loaded latch. You still need the key to get in the door to remove the existing set. Most locksets come with this type of tool, though. The guy had plenty of hand tools, he didn't really NEED these, they were just to calm him down.

Ira knew the guy WASN'T getting back in the house. The girl was tired of this guy, apparently he was on drugs and got mean when taking them. He sold him the new locks pretty much to be a RICHARD to this moron. I didn't like Ira much... but I hadda shake his hand for giving this idiot one last stab in the wallet. :lol:

taxguykarl
12-22-2008, 07:12 PM
Ira knew the guy WASN'T getting back in the house. The girl was tired of this guy, apparently he was on drugs and got mean when taking them. That would explain a lot.

protege
12-22-2008, 07:19 PM
The guy had plenty of hand tools, he didn't really NEED these, they were just to calm him down.

At least he's in like company now :D

Chromatix
12-22-2008, 07:34 PM
Funnily enough, I still have the original locks from the house I had in England. It's always a good idea to change the locks as soon as you buy a house, just to make sure nobody has the keys to them lying around.

But Finns don't seem to use this kind of lock - they're old-fashioned mortice locks, whereas the local lock manufacturers have their own fancy type that gets used everywhere. So if I ever get around to buying my own house again over here, these will be a pretty good form of insurance. Almost nobody will know how to pick them - the only possible downside is that even the locksmith might not know!

I'm surprised though that British insurers consider a mortice lock to be more secure than a Yale. Okay, a Yale can be picked with a piece of wire, a screwdriver and some patience (or so I'm told), but the mortice lock is even simpler and *should* be easier in theory to deal with. As I understand it, there's a special "skeleton key" for each type of mortice lock, which has sprung pins in place of the usual key blade and thus fits every lock.

Can anyone shed light on this mystery?

Crazeyal
12-22-2008, 08:33 PM
Well, "Mortice" simply means a hole cut into a plate. Most locks are that style, but the most commonly used ones are built into cylinders that replace the plate. Most of the doorknobs with keys in them are "Cylinder" chambers.

Try the Wikipedia page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lock_(device)) and see if it helps.

Chromatix
12-22-2008, 10:45 PM
This (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5_Lever_Lock) is what I'm referring to.

I think it's a specific form of this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chubb_detector_lock). I hadn't realised there was an overtravel detection feature on it - the diagrams I'd seen before were highly simplified.

Crazeyal
12-22-2008, 10:58 PM
Yup, that's the type of lock that a skeleton key works with. And yes, picking them is extremely easy if you know what to look for. Then again, people have worked out how to pick the "unpickable" Medeco lock...

The problem with those locks is finding craftsmen who can actually work on them. You'd likely fine more help with artisans than Locksmiths. I actually worked on this type when I went to school for it, but only because it's a VERY basic lock type, and they had TONS of them. The class would break them, put them back together until the old brittle parts literally disintegrated. Then the Instructor would walk into a room with HUNDREDS of them and pull another out. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't.

If you have any sort of metal-crafting skill and at least one working model, you can remake any of these locks. Best to take a digital picture of the inner workings BEFORE you take anything apart, because worn parts can be like a Jigsaw with pieces missing.

Chromatix
12-22-2008, 11:04 PM
On the contrary, these locks are still mass-produced today, and you can buy them in any good British hardware store. I think it must be the overtravel-detection feature - which isn't present on Yale (cylinder) locks - which makes them attractive to insurers. It's that feature which prevents the simple sprung skeleton key from working.

It is an old design, but it's a sound one.

Crazeyal
12-22-2008, 11:25 PM
I was talking about the specific models that are 30 + years old. Also, being as I'm in the states, there are much more older properties being maintained than over here. But I agree with you, it works just great!

morgana
12-23-2008, 06:00 AM
Personally, I was hearing the voice of Bill Engvall. Great story, Uncle Al!

Nyoibo
12-23-2008, 10:57 AM
Now, how to explain the chochlate milk in the cracks of the monitor to the boss.

The monitor was depressed and you were trying to cheer it up?

MTNLaurelPoacher
12-23-2008, 01:34 PM
Great googley moogley! I think the car hood is going to take a restraining order out against Mr. Mullet. How many times in how many days have they run into each other? Too many times to be coincidence.

:lol: The cops didn't have to photograph Mr. Mullet, there was a perfect impression of his face on the hood of the police cruiser.

:rolleyes: Mr. Mullet is glad Mr. Tazer didn't come out to play.

Crazeyal
12-23-2008, 02:14 PM
Yeah.. It wasn't the same cops EVERY time... but they obviously talked to each other. Long Island cops, especially the ones in that upscale area, didn't play around. The same cop who met and bounced him the 2nd and last visit (in which he took that loooooon lonely drive away) REAAAAALLy seeemed to enjoy it when Mr Mullet ressisted arrest.


And btw.. This WASN'T all in one day. The instalation was the first two visits (and the first pwoinging:angel:) the "gimme a key to the front door, NOW" visit (which had TWO visits to Mr. Hood) was two days later at the shop. The last visit was a day later after getting the cops called on him at the ex's house. We actually heard about the goings on because the ex CALLED the shop to laugh about him!!!:lol::lol::lol:

DGoddessChardonnay
12-23-2008, 11:22 PM
Personally, I was hearing the voice of Bill Engvall. Great story, Uncle Al!


Nooooooooo . . . that was Tater Salad I heard.:roll:

Crazeyal
12-23-2008, 11:35 PM
Personally, I use Mr Rogers.

But Mr Bill works great!

Hmmm

okay.. calm down.. DO NOT picture a death struggle between Mr. Rogers, Bill and Salad...








dammit...

McGoddess09
12-25-2008, 01:20 AM
Yaaay Mr Carhood!!!

I giggled. My mom and sister think I'm off my rocker.

Crazeyal
12-25-2008, 02:59 AM
That's FANTASTIC!!

Usually I make people look SANER..

:lol:

crashhelmet
12-25-2008, 03:10 AM
O! Mah! Gawd!

I just violated Rule #1, cleaned up after myself, continued reading, and violated Rule #1 again.

Definitely an all time favorite!

CH

Dreamstalker
12-25-2008, 03:32 AM
How did I not stumble across this thread sooner?
:roll: :roll:

Crazeyal
12-25-2008, 07:51 AM
I just violated Rule #1, cleaned up after myself, continued reading, and violated Rule #1 again.
WOW!!

Adding in one from the DP board, I got :spew::spew::spew::spew::spew::spew::spew:

Crazeyal
12-25-2008, 03:08 PM
How did I not stumble across this thread sooner?
:roll: :roll:I dunno.. but the word MULLETusually means either eighties or epic fail. Considering it took place late NINETIES... yeesh..