JoitheArtist
12-22-2008, 04:14 PM
Yeah, yeah, I know, it's not even Christmas yet, who cares about New Years, right? :)
But I've been thinking lately. And I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling worthless, tired of not being able to handle compliments, tired of not trusting people, and tired of despising myself for every little mistake I make. I'm tired of fighting the urge to injure myself because I think I "deserve" it, and I'm tired of telling myself to suck it up because other people have had much worse things happen.
I want to change that, starting in the new year. I know it'll take a long time to make that kind of big change, and it's going to hurt like hell, but it's better than living like this. I don't know exactly how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to. It's VERY difficult for me to talk about the feelings that I'm always fighting, and the reasons why I feel that way, so I don't quite know how I'm going to start telling people. I'll probably start with my spiritual direction group, and work from there. I know so many people that have gone through abuse and real suffering, and I always feel that since my story is so much less tragic than theirs, I should just deal with it. But "dealing with it," unfortunately, seems to involve talking about it. So I'm just going to have to fight those voices in my head that scream at me that no-one wants to hear my crap, and just start talking.
Wow, sorry for that long post...But please keep me in your thoughts and prayers in the coming year, I'm sure as hell gonna need them. :)
But I've been thinking lately. And I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling worthless, tired of not being able to handle compliments, tired of not trusting people, and tired of despising myself for every little mistake I make. I'm tired of fighting the urge to injure myself because I think I "deserve" it, and I'm tired of telling myself to suck it up because other people have had much worse things happen.
I want to change that, starting in the new year. I know it'll take a long time to make that kind of big change, and it's going to hurt like hell, but it's better than living like this. I don't know exactly how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to. It's VERY difficult for me to talk about the feelings that I'm always fighting, and the reasons why I feel that way, so I don't quite know how I'm going to start telling people. I'll probably start with my spiritual direction group, and work from there. I know so many people that have gone through abuse and real suffering, and I always feel that since my story is so much less tragic than theirs, I should just deal with it. But "dealing with it," unfortunately, seems to involve talking about it. So I'm just going to have to fight those voices in my head that scream at me that no-one wants to hear my crap, and just start talking.
Wow, sorry for that long post...But please keep me in your thoughts and prayers in the coming year, I'm sure as hell gonna need them. :)