What to do about her... (

[unholypet]

READ ME: Just looking for advice. Its a big bunch of crap that bothers people, and I have no idea which way I want to attack or direct my problem. I know its offensive to know people are like this, and I'm bugged by it, too. Again, just looking for help on the subject.


Wondering some opinion about what I should do, here. I don't want to alienate anyone, and don't want any fights in the family!

Basically, boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. Been dating 5 years (six in December) and we're excited and want to. I've unofficially engaged him, and he wants to be the one to officially engage me! :roll:

He was talking to his Ma about it.

I want my sister, my friend, and my other-race friend as my maids. She has a problem with everyone!

Friend:
Other race, not married, has a sweet little girl, the daddy and she are living together for finances and to be there together for the babyThat's Ma thinks is BAD. Doesn't know the girl, and says she will not invite her or BF's Da's family because of it.

Sister:
Pregnant while engaged.
That means she's going to a severe hell. Says she would be embarassed to have her family know BF was marrying someone with a sister "like her."

Other friend:
Dislikes her hippie parents.
...ugh.

Me:
Non-religious, don't want kids, weird, and "changing her son's mind about everything."
Says we shouldn't be married, or have children because they'll grow up and go to hell because of me. He only recentl began talkingopenly to her about his dislk of Christianity, but still believes in a higher power, but she says he is going to burn.

Also, if I don't wear a proper color (white for virgins (HA!) and non-white for non-virgins) I will ruin her family's opinion of me.


...right.

So, BF is bothered because Ma and me are the only people's hearts he really holds to his heart. He wants both of us happy, and knows it will be impossible.

Also, his Da is an alcoholic, and an asshole who will try to bullshit you, make you think your comments and ideas came from him, and is severely racist. Says he won't go to the wedding if " there's gonna be n*****s there." (and by that, he meant non-white races, no one specific) I also don't want an asshole at the wedding parties, no matter whom it is. That kind of crap won't fly, especially because every situation has to be about him.

His oldest son, BF's big bro, has a baby! And its all thanks to him, all because of him, he knows what you have to do, blah blah.. His wife, the Ma, says he barely was around raising his own kids!


So, me: Well, BF... it's our wedding. We will invite your family if we want to. That's not her call.
He: I know, baby, but its just.. ugh... :cry:

He's pretty torn up about this. We won't really be getting engaged or married until he has a steady job (doing seasonal right now), and we have a set place to go. Might be a year, might be three!

I'm wary of her reactions and how she might make her family act around my friends and sister, and how my loving, accepting, protective family will react to it. Honestly, I don't give a flying fuck if she decides to stay out, but do for my BF. That would break his heart.

What're your thoughts on all of this? How would you this situation?


I considered just waiting until we're getting married, not bringing it up unless it's brought up. One also wonders if she's be snide and just not come or invite her family anyway... BF is of the mind, "You can control who you're with, but not what they do." We just don't want a WW3 in Tennessee. :lol:

[blas]

The only thing I can think of here is that it's YOUR wedding. You want a Star Trek themed wedding, dog gammit, you have one! You want to wear a black wedding dress (Sarah Jessica Parker did!) then go right on ahead.

You get to pick your wedding party, and not the family of the couple.

Unfortunately though, most of the time, if family does not approve, they will either refuse to help pay or help arrange, or even not show up period.

[Kiwi]

how to say fuck off and I love you at the same time (http://offbeatbride.com/2009/01/copy-n-paste-conflict-resolution)

its your wedding, you do not have to exclude people because of a moron or twos narrowminded view of the world

[unholypet]

its your wedding, you do not have to exclude people because of a moron or twos narrowminded view of the world

I love that link, laughing my ass off as I type! :roll: :lol: :roll: Thanks for that, I like the wording with it.

Blas, I'm honestly only worried about his family not showing up. We're already pretty set for things for the wedding (minus my dress and his tux, only $400 spent on the wedding, favors, maid/groomsmen's gifts, and reception decorations) so I neither need nor want their money/help. ^_~

Just their attendance, love, and calmed tongues >_>

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, it's not up to MIL to invite or disinvite. It's up to you and your husband to be.

BTW, let's see how he does with this. If he cowtows to his mommy with this, that's probably a pretty good indication that he will cowtow to her while you all are married. Pay attention to the warning signs. You don't want to play second chair to his mom all your life. And you sure don't want a man who can't cut the cord.

Anyways, don't let MIL pay for anything because if she does, you will be beholden to her. Pay for everything yourselves.

Let her and redneck FIL know, if they ask, who will be there. They can decide to come or not. Either way, not your problem. Don't play that "If you invite so and so I"m not coming" horseshit. That's their choice, not yours.

[Amethyst Hunter]

I'm honestly only worried about his family not showing up. We're already pretty set for things for the wedding (minus my dress and his tux, only $400 spent on the wedding, favors, maid/groomsmen's gifts, and reception decorations) so I neither need nor want their money/help. ^_~

Just their attendance, love, and calmed tongues >_>

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like there's much chance of that. Personally I'd either elope and say screw 'em all, or hold the big 'do and not bother inviting the wankers at all. If you invite them, they'll either pull a no-show (and then turn around and bitch about it), or they'll show and proceed to make the entire day as miserable as possible just to spite you. Either way, you lose.

It sucks for your BF/soon-to-be fiance', but if he marries you, then that means he HAS to choose you over his suckhole relatives. His responsibility is to YOU. Hell, if you want to get all Biblical, there's even a verse about it: "a man shall leave his family/mother and father and cleave to his WIFE" (or something to that effect). So, my opinion is that you should invite the people you want, the ones you know are going to want to be there out of genuine caring for you guys, and make it clear to the complainers in no uncertain terms that you won't put up with any slights against said attendees. They (the wanks, that is) don't like that, tough shit, they can bloody well stay home if they don't want to mingle with The Unclean.

Good luck to the both of you, whatever happens!

[Kiwi]

Pay attention to the warning signs. You don't want to play second chair to his mom all your life. And you sure don't want a man who can't cut the cord.

BEST ADVICE EVER!!!!

99% of my relationship issues with K have been over his mother and her interfering in our relationship. You need to let her know that you and him are going to become YOUR OWN FAMILY now and that its time for her to step back and step off.

It took 3 years and us almost breaking up a few months back before K finally put her in her place.

[draftermatt]

His responsibility is to YOU. Hell, if you want to get all Biblical, there's even a verse about it: "a man shall leave his family/mother and father and cleave to his WIFE" (or something to that effect).

...Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
I Corinthians 13:1-13

Not what you were saying, but close enough.

My wife's father didn't come to our wedding, nor did his father or 2 of his sisters.

It's a long story, and stupid reasoning on their part that I have desire to get into.

It's your wedding, and he has to decide if he'll want it knowing his parents objections. If he's been with you this long despite their issues then obviously he loves you. It would seem he was hoping they would change.

Good luck.

[unholypet]

Now, to be honest, he's not under the apron strings. He just hates turmoil and fighting, especially with people he loves!

I can't say I blame him. My parents still treat me like I'm 15 (running to the 22 this year) and that causes fights, and I do hate to piss them off, but they would NEVER try that crap with me.

As for the uninviting, I think I'll just invite everyone myself. Fuck her if she thinks she's the only one that ca include people =p

[4love]

As for the uninviting, I think I'll just invite everyone myself.

Especially since you and hubby-to-be are paying for everything yourself, you're entirely correct. Those footing the bill have the right to say who they're paying for. That said, if your guy would like his family to be a part of this, perhaps a Talk with the parental units is in order. Something along the lines of...

"Mom, Dad, I love you so much, and [unholypet] and I'd be honored if you could share in our joy. We want you to be a part of our new life together, so we hope you'll consider attending our wedding. Please understand that this will be a day of joy and love, and we want all our friends and loved ones to celebrate with us. We understand if you can't make it, but want you to know that we would love to have your smiling faces there."

During said Talk, or written letter if a face-to-face is too uncomfortable, it's important to give them a graceful out if they feel they can't control themselves. It is also very important to emphasize, without mentioning specifics, that you want everyone to Play Nice on Your Big Day, and nastiness will not be welcome.

Um. So. That's what I think about that.

Whatever happens, I hope it works out for the best. Good luck!

Oh yeah- and an entire wedding for $400? You rock so hard.

[Evil Queen]

You guys can elope? RetailWorkhorse, I think, can legally marry you guys.

Hey, a CS wedding. How cool!

[wagegoth]

I eloped for many reasons, a good chunk of them involving my hub's family. Of course, my MIL still brings it up now and then. Geez, give it a rest, it was almost 15 years ago!

As usual, RK was spot on. And I also agree that you should invite the friends you want there, then inform the future in-laws who will be there and if they want to attend let them. But have 911 on speed dial, just in case.

[BarbieGirl]

I would have a couple of trusted family or friends on guard duty. That way you don't have to worry about anyone causing a scene. They can at first politely tell them to stop and be quiet and if needs be they can escort the unruly family members out, and you get to enjoy your day stress free.

[unholypet]

You guys can elope? RetailWorkhorse, I think, can legally marry you guys.

Hey, a CS wedding. How cool!

If RetailWorkhorse is willing to dress in all black and purple, I'd pay for the room for two nights during the rehearsal/wedding lol

On that note, I had already planned on leaving an open invitation for the forum. (The ceremony is nowhere near anyone's house anyway.)

Oh yeah- and an entire wedding for $400? You rock so hard.

I'm an avid painter and sculptist, so have made most of the gates, the tiaras, and tie-holders, own all the swords, then bought all the (fake) flowers white. Paint, woo!

The food isn't counted, just yet... so its not 100% finished, since I won't have a clue how many to count for food =_=

Invitations were printed from my computer, with my own doodles and calligraphy, and total ribbon cost was $15!

[Nurian]

Don't let the MIL push you around. Politely remind her it's the happy couple's wedding, not hers.

Incidentally, after reading the title, I know how the Sound of Music stuck in my head. GAH!

[XCashier]

If he cowtows to his mommy with this, that's probably a pretty good indication that he will cowtow to her while you all are married. Pay attention to the warning signs. You don't want to play second chair to his mom all your life. And you sure don't want a man who can't cut the cord.

This is so very true. I speak from experience. :(

It's your wedding, it's your party, if someone wants to be a party pooper, to hell with them. They don't have to come if they can't play nice.

[It shouldn't]

This is exactly why me and the hubby eloped.

After we amounced out engagement, the comments of disaproval started.

We said "the heck with it" and got married in Denmark.

It was us, the local mayor (officiating), the secretary and the cleaning lady (I think) for witnesses.

Next year it'll be 25 years.

:eek: Yikes I'm getting old. Didn't realize it till I put it in writing.

[Jester]

Your fiance realizes that he cannot get through this without hurting someone. So, he needs to sack up and do what needs to be done, even if it involves hurting someone (his mom), which seems inevitable.

But it comes down to this: it's your wedding, and you are paying for it. Anyone who has an issue with anything about it can go piss up a rope and fuck off. You may want to phrase it more diplomatically than that....or you may not. I know that if I was getting married right now and my older sister The Witch (the family's token pain in the ass control freak) said something like, "Oh, you can't have it in Arizona, it's too hot, you should have it in blah blah" (something I could see coming out of her mouth), I would pretty much tell her to piss off. If she dared make a comment about one of our guests (she's not racist, but she is elitist) or, the gods help her, my bride, she would be lucky to get merely a "fuck off" from me. Fortunately for me, The Witch is the only real familial thorn in my side. Everyone else is pretty fucking cool. I wish the same were true for you, but you and your fiance need to deal with the hand you've been dealt, in this case, his idiot relatives.

Good luck! Remember, what is necessary is not always easy.

Just their attendance, love, and calmed tongues >_>

That does not seem too bloody likely, considering what the MIL and FIL have already said.

RetailWorkhorse, I think, can legally marry you guys.

As can the Right Reverend Jester. No, seriously. I can. :D

[unholypet]

As can the Right Reverend Jester. No, seriously. I can. :D

If you'd be willing to get yourself here, free food and room for two nights, December 14th, at an unknown year? lol Free outfit, if you're not against black n purples.

[Jester]

Decide on a date and we'll talk. I have nothing against black and purple....I own much black myself.

Keep in mind, I can promise you nothing, and have to date never performed a marriage ceremony....I just legally CAN, being a legally ordained minister. Of course, as I did that more as a lark than anything, I have zero experience in such matters. Just so you know.

As I said, when you decide on the date, PM me. Ya never know. I might just do it! :lol:

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I would have a couple of trusted family or friends on guard duty. That way you don't have to worry about anyone causing a scene. They can at first politely tell them to stop and be quiet and if needs be they can escort the unruly family members out, and you get to enjoy your day stress free.

I"ve actually been one of these folks at my sister in law's wedding. Me, the husband, my husband's younger brother, and his fiance were the bouncers. Because the groom was afraid his batshit ex would show up.

When I say she was batshit, understand that I don't mean that in a fun way, nor am I really giving full credit to the magnitude of her fuckedupedness.

I was disappointed that she didn't show. She's one of the very few people I genuinely hate. I was ready and willing (and frankly looking forward to) physically removing her from the property.

[Jester]

Kink, you rock. Can I invite you to my wedding (if I ever get married) to deal with my lovely sister? Please?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Sure Jester, anytime. If I'm resigned to it beforehand, a good Scene is hard to beat for getting the old endorphins hopping. :lol:

Maybe I'll get to do at your wedding what I didn't get to do at my SIL's. :devil:

And I do dearly love Florida.