How about a stupid jokes thread? Got one? Post it!

[sportsmom]

I always like these goofy threads, so I figured I would start this one.

Here's my addition:



Triplets from China: Fu, Bu and Chu emigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck."
Chu called himself "Chuck."
Fu decided to return to China.

[erik316wttn]

What do you call a midget pyschic on the run from the law?

A: A small medium at large.

[PuckishOne]

My all-time favorite stupid joke is unfortunately one that you have to hear verbally for the full effect, but I'll try...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impatien...
Moo.

;) :o :D

[Sphinx]

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impatien...
Moo.




I have heard that one before, I love it,:lol: but i love all stupid jokes so go figure.:D

[Knightmare]

Mine is also a knock-knock joke. I love this one.

Me: "Hey, I have a knock-knock joke for you. It's hilarious, but you have to start it. Okay?"
Other: "Okay!"
Me: "Go ahead"
Other: "Knock-knock."
Me: "Who's there?"
Other: "uhhh.... what?" :confused:
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Other: "That was stupid."

[MystyGlyttyr]

What do you get if you cross chocolate chips with a muffin?



A chocolate chip muffin.

Kills my sister every time.:lol:

[LostMyMind]

I got a real stupid joke. It's a polish joke. No offense to any polish out there, I was actually told this joke by a polish :lol:

There was a space race between USA, China, and Poland. They decided to show off.

USA said, "We'll launch a man to the moon. They launch a man to the moon."
China said, "That's nothing. We're launching a man to Mars. Then they launch a man to Mars."
Poland said, "That's nothing. We're launching a man to the Sun."
USA and China said, "What??? How are you going to do that?"
Poland said, "That's easy, we're going to launch at night."

[BrassCowboy]

Why cant you tell secrets on a farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatos have eyes, the grass whispers and the horses carry tales (tails).

[Severen13]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
>
>
>
>
>
>
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Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

:lol:

[chryso]

Ok, this one is more of a shaggy dog story than a joke, and therefore rather long, but it is my favorite.




There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their
years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in
their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while
Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect
situation.

Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years
he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread
around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest,
firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had
the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.

George's usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show
where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home
and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her
cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She
used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a
recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an
immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others,
truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbours would
never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a
show.

One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his
cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were
large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly
forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the
best tasting cauliflowers ever, and their size would keep them in
cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.

When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive
vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were
amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and
appetising! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he
returned home to the bosom of his loving wife.

As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts
until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she
would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was
her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling
up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right,
not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy
kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared
her special sauce.

George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with
desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint
creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the
sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the
kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else.

When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful
meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas
fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of
course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George
opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year,
Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.

With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to
Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their
honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the
wonderful aroma.

DISASTER!!!!

The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared
sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was
so incrediblely revolting that both George and his wife could not
even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered.
Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat
out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine.

George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and
it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him
but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.

'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous
red stains'

Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep
scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source.

'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think
of something'

'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad'

George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he
didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on
the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.

'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many
cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!'

Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been
musing and had come up with an idea.

'What about lipstick?'

'What?'

'Well given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and
sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough
money to take a little holiday.'

'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process' she
added, always concerned about these things.

'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George

So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organised
way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife
laboured night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the
cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in
which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and
development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally
they had produced the basic lipstick component.

'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha

'Yes, and it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a
warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.'

'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?'

George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had
had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new
product.

'I've got it' he said 'we'll write......



...SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!

[Becks]

My all-time favorite stupid joke is unfortunately one that you have to hear verbally for the full effect, but I'll try...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impatien...
Moo.

;) :o :D

I always knew this as "Interrupting cow". My mommy won't let me tell this joke anymore. :cry:

Here's my contribution to this thread...

What kind of shoes do gas station attendants wear?

Pumps.

Horrible, I know.

[sportsmom]

I got another one:

What's green and has wheels?




Are you ready?





Are you sure?




Here it is...


Grass, I lied about the wheels.


Hubby loves that one. I have no clue why.

[Rapscallion]

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

Rapscallion

[Phoenix79]

Here's a classic -

Q - Why was 6 afraid of 7?

A - Because 7 8 9!

Bwaaaahaaahaaaaaa, this is for stupid jokes, right? Cause my Uncle tells that one all of the time, and still thinks its the funniest thing he's ever heard. :D

Phoenix

[NightWolf]

Mine would have to be a little Johnny joke:

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!

:D

[Severen13]

I have a couple more:


Q: What hurts more than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A: A centipede with sore feet.

Q: What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
A: Take it out for a drag.


:lol: :roll: :lol:

[Ree]

...SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!:doh: :rotflmao: I can't believe I read through all of that. I didn't see it coming at all.

[XCashier]

I'm not sure where I first heard this one, may have been a previous incarnation of CS.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi go to a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


This one I got off of a U2 fan board:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.

[Lace Neil Singer]

2 sausages are in a frying pan. One sausage says to the other, "Hot enough for you?" The other one screams, "Argh, a talking sausage!!"

A man walked into a bar and said "ouch!" It was an iron bar.

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other, "How do we drive this thing?"

Man is incomplete until he's married, then he's finished.

At first I prayed to god for a bike, then I realised that god doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

[ZumZum]

Ok, my favorite joke is a blond joke (told to me by a natural blond, please don't be offended!)

Why did the blond get fired from the M and M factory??














She was throwing away all the W's.

[Primer]

C, E-flat and G go into a bar....
This one wins my vote! And I've not been in (any) band in over 20 years!

[ZumZum]

My son loved the music jokes so much he wants to print them out to bring to camp tomorrow (he is in a jazz camp).

[toolbert]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

:lol:

that one is simply awesome *does the "i'm not worthy bow"*

Now, for mine...i always tell this one...

So, there's two cows sitting on top of a hill eating grass.
One cow says to the other cow: "Do you ever wonder if the grass is greener on the other side?"
The other Cow replys, "WOAH! A talking cow!"

*drum roll* :p

[NightAngel]

I bet you cant read this.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't. Trust me.

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.

[Lace Neil Singer]

(By the way, I'm hoping that there are no drummers here... or at least, no drummers with no sense of humour!)

Q) What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A) A drummer.

Q) What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A) Drool.

Q) What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A) You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

Q) How do you know if a drummer's been doing a crossword?
A) All the little squares have been coloured in.

Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums.
One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums."
Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"

So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with the fried rose tremolo-
The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Uh, yeah. You did you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

[Becks]

What do you get when you blow up Barney?










Barney Rubble. :lol: :roll: :D

[thegiraffe]

Ok I have to admit...this one's a lil dirty, but it's cute at the same time.

There are 3 ducks in a courtroom. Judge calls the first duck up, and asks his name. The duck says "Duck". Judge says "what are you in here for, Duck?" Duck sighs, and says "well, I was blowing bubbles in the park". Judge looks befuddled, says "ok.....just go stand over there", motioning over to the side. Judge calls the second duck up, and asks his name. Duck says "Duck Duck". Judge says "ok Duck Duck, what are YOU in here for?" Duck says "well, I was blowing bubbles in the park". Judge is totally confused, tells Duck Duck to go stand over by Duck. Judge calls the third duck up, clearly not amused, and says "let me guess, you're Duck Duck Duck?". Duck sighs and hangs his head and says "no, I'm Bubbles".

My dad told this at a restaurant (of all places) and we were dying laughing for like 10 minutes. Partially because we totally didn't expect it. We should have though....

[thegiraffe]

She was throwing away all the W's.

And the E's and 3's :angel:

[Greenday]

I'll start off with a classic from my childhood that my sister and I loved:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree...?


Cause he was dead.

Alright, so now for another little Johnny joke. Yes, this means it is in some way perverted. Read at your own risk.

During one lesson in class, the teacher picks Little Johnny to answer a question. She asks him, "Little Johnny, if five birds are on a fence and one gets shot, how many will be left on the fence?"
Little Johnny thinks about it, then says, "That's easy, none. They'd all fly away."
The teacher responds, "Actually, the answer was four but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny then asks the teacher, "Three women bought ice cream cones. The first one is licking her ice cream, the second one is biting her ice cream, and the third is sucking her ice cream. Which woman is married?"
Embarrassed, the teacher responds, "Um, well, I guess the one sucking on her ice cream."
Little Johnny replies, "Actually, the answer was the woman with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."

I absolutely, LOVE, Little Johnny jokes.

[Mr.Bill]

I have variants of the guy/bar jokes...

Guy walks into a bar, second guy ducks...
Guy walks into a bar, says ouch

The dyslexic cow goes Ooooom.

How do you get elephant out of subway?
You take the 's' out of 'sub' and the 'f' out of way...

How do you confuse a gay person?
Purple.

[Becks]

Another blonde joke. (Don't worry, I was born a blonde, and I still have a blonde streak.)


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?



"Are you sure it's mine?"

:eyewaggle: <------that's me...I love it. :lol:

[Broomjockey]

A baby seal walks into a club...

Did you hear about the 2 guys who robbed a calendar factory? They each got 6 months.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed up all night wondering about the existance of dog?

[Twotall]

How do you get four elephants into a Ford in three moves?

Open the door, put the elephants in, close the door...

How do you get five rhinos into a Ford in four moves?

Open the door, remove the elephants, put the rhinos in, close the door.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Q) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

A) His hand caught fire.