I Am So So Helpless........Not!!!!

[TruthHurts]

So I was in the local grocery store doing my shopping. Normally if I'm only getting a small amount I try not to use a cart or basket. Well I'm at the beer cooler rearranging the stuff for easier carrying when he walks by.

Some asshat who starts laughing and then says "You need a cart little lady, you can't carry all that" I proceed to give him my patented stare of death when he then says" Ahh honey, don't cry, I'll help you" I step back and say coldly "No thanks" He is taken aback then snarls "F***in bitch I was just trying to help"

I hate when men treat me like some helpless little flower who can't survive without their help. It's also annoying when people I do not know feel the need to "honey" or "baby" me.

Grrr I'm ticked:rolleyes:

[Cedophile]

Even if he wanted to help, he stated that in a really screwed up way. "You can't carry all that. DON'T CRY! I'LL HELP YOU!" mm hmm, that makes me feel fine!

[thegiraffe]

I also hate when guys try to patronize me, asking if I need help with something or whatever. I generally just pick up whatever they're asking me if I need help with, look them square in the eye, and say "nope, got it thanks!" with a huge smile on my face. That tends to shut them up INCREDIBLY fast, as well as get some crazy looks. As I'm sure Mysty can attest to, female =/= [is not equal to] weak. Now if only some guys could get that through their thick heads.

Guys: if you see a girl struggling to get something, ASK if you can get it for them or help them, don't say "here, I'll get that" (especially if it's a younger woman - older women, like 80s, tend to LOVE that though). Our mini-etiquette lesson of the day.

[Zombi]

ASK if you can get it for them or help them, don't say "here, I'll get that"

Or you might just find it dropped on your toes: "Oops, that was heavier than I thought" *giggle*.

[Ryu]

Thats how guys are raised to act, helping out females even if they dont need it because its the respectful thing to do
We'd do the same thing for another guy if we thought we were stronger or more able
Its hard trying to be nice to females only to have them think your trying to patronize them when your only trying to be a gentleman
A lot of guys give up and dont bother helping females at all after a certain point

[Becks]

Ryu, being polite is one thing. Being patronizing is another. Polite--good. Patronizing--bad.

[draftermatt]

I'll typically just say "Would you like some help?"

Unless it's my wife or sister or something. Then it's "give me that, puny woman"

(Not really but I'd laugh)

Some guys though just are trying to be cute, or are just assholes.

Then there are the morons who think they are flirting.

[Ryu]

To me, saying here let me get that isnt patronizing
If they decline and you persist then it is, but the first request isnt patronizing at all
The guy went about it way wrong but he may have had the right idea, i dont know
Just so many females consider even offering help patronizing these days

[MystyGlyttyr]

Heh, I bet people are waiting for my take on this, so...if it were me...

Asshat: "You need a cart, little lady, you can't carry all that."
Me: *obviously fake laugh* "Yeah, sure dude."
Asshat: "Ahh honey, don't cry, I'll help you."
Me: "Touch me or my stuff, and one of us will be crying, all right."
Asshat: "F***in bitch I was just trying to help."
Me: *stream of profanity questioning the dude's sexual prowess and several very thinly veiled references to neutering*

Of course, if he had tried to reach into my space, he may not have come back with all his fingers. Depends on whether or not what I was carrying was breakable/replaceable.

Now, for comparison, the following exchange...

Nice Guy: "Hey, you need help with that?"
Me: :confused: "Uh...no? Thank you?"
Nice Guy: "Okay, just checking!" :wave:
Me: *confused at the concept of being treated politely, bewildered enough to let this one go*

The fastest way to escape my wrath is to be nice. Niceness baffles me and usually renders me unable to form a proper comeback. Like this one time I did a favor for one of our funeral homes and they sent me some cookies. I seriously spent the better part of an hour staring at them on my desk and trying to formulate a response.

I kind of agree with Ryu about how some women feel about just being offered help at all. But I think that might just be general rudeness more than some women's lib thing. I've held doors open for women AND men who both snorted and scoffed at me that "I could do that myself!" ...to which I'm tempted to just slam the door in their face and let them open it themself, then...

[Seanette]

I once had an irker get annoyed with me for holding a door that I had by chance gone through very shortly before she was about to. No, "dear", I did NOT hold the [bleep] door just to slight you because you're in a wheelchair. I held it because you were close enough to it I thought it would be quite rude to let it shut in your face. The timing was such that I would have held it for anyone, regardless of age, sex, size, physical condition, etc.

Sheesh!

[AFpheonix]

50 lbs isn't that heavy. But then....we go get a ton of oats packaged in 50 lb sacks every 2 weeks or so, so maybe my point of view is a little skewed.

The 80 lb sacks are heavy though. Bleah.

[Kiwi]

holy crap is someone offered to carry my stuff, I would have let him

I hate carrying around cold things....

my own personal shopping cart....wahoo

[friendofjimmyk]

Reminds me of getting dog food, but in a different way..

Stopped at WalMart one night after work for the 55lb bag o Dog Chow, picked it up, put it in my cart an employee was right there saying "wow, nobody ever does that themself" :lol:

It's lighter then the kegs I carry..

Ugh, humping kegs...fun stuff!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

A man trying to help a lady knows she "can do it herself." He's trying to be respectful. Gentlemen should be allowed to be gentlemen.

Best retort I ever heard:

Man opens door for woman-
Woman: You don't have to open the door for me because I'm a "lady."
Man: I'm not. I'm doing it because I'm a gentleman.

Now, having said that, the guy the OP describes was no gentleman and deserved a good hard punt in the grapes for being a condescending, patronizing pig. THAT guy is a predator, pure and simple. Ew. That's the kind of pig who leers and invades your personal space, then accuses you of being a frigid, lesbian bitch because you won't warm up to him.

He probably considers getting maced to be foreplay.

Ew. Just...ew.

[Greenday]

Ugh, humping kegs...fun stuff!

Oh yes, quite fun. I especially love doing it and then serving beer for everyone but myself. Stupid summer work. Just trying to get a full keg out of the cooler freaking hurts my back. And they bend the darn small wheelcarts and the big ones are hard to get a hold of.

[DesignFox]

I agree that the man in that story was being an ass. If he were genuine he would merely have said, "hey, can I get that for you?" or "do you need any help?" and when the answer was no, walked away. What's this "aw honey don't cry", sh*t? I agree with Kinkoid- CREEPY.

Personally, I love when people are polite and offer to hold the door/offer help if it looks like I need it. And- I do the same thing for others. I think there isn't enough politeness to go around anymore. Although, I think some of it has to do with the point Ryu brings up...some people are OVERLY sensitive and accuse others of being patronizing when they are just trying to be nice...I mean, if you held the door open for someone and they cursed you out, and you've had this happen enough times, you'll stop.

it's sad...I want to believe people are good and have the best intentions...:cry:

[TruthHurts]

Reminds me of an incident when I lived in Seattle. There was a lady arms laden with bags/packages etc. The guy in front of her held the door open for her, and she went ballistic. She stood there just cursing him out like there was no tomorrow. The guy naturally had no desire to be screamed so he went in and shut the door behind him. This woman tries to open the door herself and you guessed it dropped half her stuff on the ground.

And unlike the creep I dealt with in the market this guy seemed genuinely sincere and just wanted to help.

[Der Cute]

Personally, I would have said to Mr. Patrono in the OP....
Thanks bud, but I'll get it.

If he said anything after that, then start the sneering and the I Can Do It Myself Ya SOB looks.


This is kinda funny.

Anyone ever heard of Jerry Cans? they're old, steel, heavy, 5 gallon oblong shaped to hold gasoline.

Well, my dad/family used to fish a lot, and we always had extra gas on the boat. I had to carry the full cans back from the boat to the trailer, a good 120 yards.

One day Dad took me and Mr. Stranger guy out for a ride/ fishing. When done, we had to take the Jerry Cans back to the trailer.

I got out of the boat, took one full jerry can in each hand, and started walking.
Those suckers were a good 50# each, full of gas.

Mr. Stranger took one can and was oomphing and trying to keep up with me, kept shooting me evil looks. I'm calmly walking with a jerry can in each hand, step by step back to the trailer...

this guy was offended that a girl was in better shape than he was.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

Cutenoob

[Crazyredhead]

Reminds me of a time a couple of years ago before I found out I was pregnant with my little man. I went to Wal Mart to get dog food. I have been lifting weights for almost 2 years and had the muscle tone to prove it. I didn't bother with a buggy and just threw it up on my shoulder. Well, the checkout line I was in had to have a price check, then the woman's check got rejected and she had to fish out some things from her bags. It took about 15 to 20 minutes, she was one of those higher than thou woman that got offended that the store would actually have the gall to tell her that her check was no good.

Anyways, about halfway through, I sat the bag down in order to get a better hold on it and transfer it to the other shoulder. The guy behind me asked if I need some help. I told him "no thank you, I've got it." He then said "are you sure, it looks kinda heavy." And as I hefted it up onto my other shoulder, said "Nope." He then left the line and went to the next checkout.

Maybe I was showing off, I don't know. I have never been able to carry anything even half that weight before, but I sure got some long stares on my way out, with my bag still on my shoulder. http://digilander.libero.it/le.faccine/faccinea/cartelli/statici/1524.gif

I hope I didn't scare him away, he was a Master Sergeant in the Army, and very, very handsome. http://img272.imageshack.us/img272/5563/battingeyelashes6pt.gif

[CrimsonEmber]

Hmm.. I could go both ways on this one. In general, I think it's sweet / nice when a guy offers to help me carry something I'm obviously struggling with. Plus, I give him points for noticing and being considerate of someone else. That said, there are some guys out there who can be condescending about it, or who won't take no for an answer. The ones who won't back off about it bother me more, because I start to be wary of their motivation.

[Zombi]

Thats how guys are raised to act, helping out females even if they dont need it because its the respectful thing to do
We'd do the same thing for another guy if we thought we were stronger or more able
Its hard trying to be nice to females only to have them think your trying to patronize them when your only trying to be a gentleman
A lot of guys give up and dont bother helping females at all after a certain point

I agree - I wouldn't want to be a guy in this day and age, that's for damn sure. There's a difference between polite and patronising, though, and I think it's largely dependent upon tone of voice.
I have a neck/shoulder injury and can't lift anything over 10kg terribly well, so I will be most grateful to someone who offers to help. But if they're doing it in a creepy way, no thanks.
We really don't think it's absolutely everyone who's a patronising arsehole - just the odd few who give the gentlemen a bad name. :)

[protege]

Although, I think some of it has to do with the point Ryu brings up...some people are OVERLY sensitive and accuse others of being patronizing when they are just trying to be nice...I mean, if you held the door open for someone and they cursed you out, and you've had this happen enough times, you'll stop.


I agree. Most of us are *not* trying to be assholes, but simply trying to be nice. However, after we get screamed at enough times, we'll tell you to "open the damn door yourself."

One of the students at college found that out the hard way. At the time, the English department was atop a *very* steep hill. The building had an entryway that had 2 sets of doors you had to go through before you got into the lobby. Before the building was remodeled a few years ago, those doors were sometimes difficult to open.

As I'm sitting on one of the lobby couches waiting for a friend after class, this wheelchair-bound student is trying to get into the building. Not surprisingly, it was difficult--the doors were sticking, and she simply didn't have enough hands to open the damn door, as well as roll through it.

Since I'd already been screamed at by her at one of the other buildings, I left her to her own devices. However, one of the other guys went to help her out...and she went apeshit on him :eek: , how she "wasn't a cripple," and "could do it herself, " etc.

Eventually though, word of her actions traveled around school...and *nobody* would offer to help her. Then, she started bitching about that, and couldn't understand why people didn't like her!

[XCashier]

Thats how guys are raised to act, helping out females even if they dont need it because its the respectful thing to do
Thing is, there's a right way and a wrong way to do it.

RIGHT WAY: "Need a hand?" "May I help you with that?"
WRONG WAY: "You need a cart little lady, you can't carry all that" "Ahh honey, don't cry, I'll help you"

What I mean is, when offering help to a woman, be polite without being condescending. If you use the same tone of voice you'd use with another man, that's fine. If you use the tone of voice you use talking to your pet or a small child, and use silly pet names like "honey" "sweetie" "little lady", that's belittling, that's rudeness disguised as politeness. Speaking for myself, I appreciate being treated as a fellow human being instead of some exotic pet that must be pampered and humored.

The ones who snarl at folks who hold doors open for them and give polite, respectful offers of help deserve what they get, though. If I've got a kid in one hand and a heavy bag of groceries in the other and someone is kind enough to hold the door open for me, I smile and say "Thank you." I'd do the same for anyone else, male, female, healthy, handicapped, old, young, in-between.

[Ryu]

yeah i know
i later said he was out of line
but someone said guys have to ask a certain way, saying need a hand or i'll get that is considered condescending to a lot of people, thats what my reply was about

[mslisarose]

So we've heard the Rx's males get trying to be helpfull, how 'bout the reactions females get from the same actions?

Most of the time when I do something like holding the door for a male, I either get a thank you or (most often) a really confused look. I like to smile at the confused ones and explain that my father raised me to be a gentleman. :)

[Ryu]

I go to a college that used to be all girls so theres still more girls then guys, both guys and girls hold doors open for everyone for the most part and most people if their thankful to one their thankful to the other
I thank anyone who helps me out, even if its something i could easily do myself, because I know it makes me feel good to help others even if they dont need it

[TruthHurts]

I always hold doors open for anyone behind me male or female. I simply do it because I feel it's rude to simply let a door shut in someone's face. I don't mind people doing the same to me it's just a matter of mutual respect.

[draftermatt]

I try to hold doors for everyone. And I thank anyone for doing it for me. No one has ever offered to carry something for me though so I can't say.

And ladies, you all need to realize that you make it damn confusing. Some of you get mad if we try to be gentlemen. And as far as nick names go, sometimes there is regional dialect, or how someone was raised.

With some women it's basically damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Granted, being an ass and thinking all women are helpless is assanine, but most of us were raised to be gentlemen, and when we act as such, feminazi's (I have no problem with feminists mind you) cry foul.

[Zombi]

And as far as nick names go, sometimes there is regional dialect, or how someone was raised.


That's true - in London, the cabbies will call you 'love'. All the time. It's not meant to be patronising, it's just what they say. In the north of England (not quite sure which county) it's 'duck'. Again, it's not intended to demean, but there was a big thing about it a while ago, where the council tried to ban its employees from using the term because it was 'offensive'. Bollocks, but that's how the PC police work. :rolleyes:

And ladies, you all need to realize that you make it damn confusing. Some of you get mad if we try to be gentlemen.

Well, you know, as long as your offer of help is genuine, it shouldn't be considered offensive. I always think that people who go nuts at someone holding a door for them deserve to have it swing shut in their face, preferably when their hands are full, but maybe that's just me. I do think that sometimes people are a bit oversensitive about PC-ness, and that's why they get narked about the perceived offensiveness of being offered help.

Dear lord, that last sentence makes no sense. Blame exam stress + Stoli. :p

[Rapscallion]

That's true - in London, the cabbies will call you 'love'. All the time. It's not meant to be patronising, it's just what they say. In the north of England (not quite sure which county) it's 'duck'. Again, it's not intended to demean, but there was a big thing about it a while ago, where the council tried to ban its employees from using the term because it was 'offensive'. Bollocks, but that's how the PC police work. :rolleyes:


Yorkshire used to be big on 'love' as well. Duck is more Lancashire, and Pet is more Geordie. I can't remember what Brummies say.

Wales tended to be 'boyo', and the Scots used to say 'mon'. It's all falling out of favour these days, though. I'm of mixed opinions about that.

Rapscallion

[Der Cute]

Brummies say Kid.

Cute, who knows a coupla Brummies