smileyeagle1021
07-02-2009, 04:32 AM
this is my third attempt at posting this... first time I teared up and couldn't finish, second time my computer crashed, hopefully this time it will work.
This weekend was amazing beyond belief. I met up with a friend who is a much more amazing guy than I had previously known. It was great to meet so many new people. And it was a nice change from my normal life.
Many of you know (and the rest probably won't be surprised) that for a long time I was suffering from severe depression, I was even having suicidal thoughts for a while. This weekend has changed that. In Utah I know personally only 6 gay people, only one of them I'd call a friend ( :wave: hi Fenrus), and while I live with amazing roommates (one is from Mexico city and has said that after being on the other side of discrimination he can never do that to someone else the other two fall under the category of just being really cool and accepting people :wave: hi Moogie) and in a relatively accepting neighborhood, that does little to change the fact that this is a fairly closed minded state where people very publicly say in as many words that I am a menace, a deviant, a pervert, and even so far as to say I should be sent to ex gay therapy camps.
To have one weekend in a place where people who were open and accepting were the norm and not the exception was an amazing experience. To go to the Castro district was overwhelming... I honestly didn't know how to react... here was a place where I wasn't the outcast... and being surrounded by very attractive gay guys was a refreshing change ;) Then the festival itself... after so long of feeling so alone (one of six) to being surrounded by what seemed like an endless mass of people, all of them just like me... that is the most overwhelming experience I think that I've ever had (at least for a long time). I got back to the hotel that night and I had to cry... not tears of sadness or joy, but tears of just being so completely overwhelmed by emotion after so long of not feeling any.
This weekend though was more important than just being an amazing time... it's given me something better than the best anti-depressant for curing my depression. I didn't need chemicals, I needed hope. I needed to see that there was something worth working towards, I needed to see there is a world outside of utah, a place that would be healthy for me to live in, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I know that it is going to be difficult for the time I'm still here, but I think I'm now prepared to soldier through it. That and my friends there helped teach me the confidence and self esteem I needed to make the most out of the limited resources in Utah.
Thank you all of you who encouraged me to keep going, I now see you were right... there was a reason to keep going and not give up.
eta- oh yes... to think, this all happened because a few months ago on a different forum I replied to a post inviting any bay area insomniacs to chat on AIM and I replied saying I wasn't in the bay area but I certainly qualified as an insomniac with my shift... amazing how small things like that can lead to large things later.
This weekend was amazing beyond belief. I met up with a friend who is a much more amazing guy than I had previously known. It was great to meet so many new people. And it was a nice change from my normal life.
Many of you know (and the rest probably won't be surprised) that for a long time I was suffering from severe depression, I was even having suicidal thoughts for a while. This weekend has changed that. In Utah I know personally only 6 gay people, only one of them I'd call a friend ( :wave: hi Fenrus), and while I live with amazing roommates (one is from Mexico city and has said that after being on the other side of discrimination he can never do that to someone else the other two fall under the category of just being really cool and accepting people :wave: hi Moogie) and in a relatively accepting neighborhood, that does little to change the fact that this is a fairly closed minded state where people very publicly say in as many words that I am a menace, a deviant, a pervert, and even so far as to say I should be sent to ex gay therapy camps.
To have one weekend in a place where people who were open and accepting were the norm and not the exception was an amazing experience. To go to the Castro district was overwhelming... I honestly didn't know how to react... here was a place where I wasn't the outcast... and being surrounded by very attractive gay guys was a refreshing change ;) Then the festival itself... after so long of feeling so alone (one of six) to being surrounded by what seemed like an endless mass of people, all of them just like me... that is the most overwhelming experience I think that I've ever had (at least for a long time). I got back to the hotel that night and I had to cry... not tears of sadness or joy, but tears of just being so completely overwhelmed by emotion after so long of not feeling any.
This weekend though was more important than just being an amazing time... it's given me something better than the best anti-depressant for curing my depression. I didn't need chemicals, I needed hope. I needed to see that there was something worth working towards, I needed to see there is a world outside of utah, a place that would be healthy for me to live in, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I know that it is going to be difficult for the time I'm still here, but I think I'm now prepared to soldier through it. That and my friends there helped teach me the confidence and self esteem I needed to make the most out of the limited resources in Utah.
Thank you all of you who encouraged me to keep going, I now see you were right... there was a reason to keep going and not give up.
eta- oh yes... to think, this all happened because a few months ago on a different forum I replied to a post inviting any bay area insomniacs to chat on AIM and I replied saying I wasn't in the bay area but I certainly qualified as an insomniac with my shift... amazing how small things like that can lead to large things later.