Why am I so angry? (long, sorry)

[susan]

I know I haven't been on this board for months now, and even when I was I lurked so much most of you don't know me; but I can't sleep and I'm hoping that if I spew all this out, even if no one is listening, then maybe I can sleep. And maybe I'll even get some insight/advice/hugs in the morning.

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me this past October. "It's not you, it's me....I just don't feel like I can be in a relationship any more....I love you and I still want to be your friend, I don't want to throw these past four years away....blah, blah, blah" It was hard to deal with, but he was always honest with me throughout our relationship that it wasn't going to lead to marriage or even be forever. And he was seemingly honest with me about the reasons for the breakup.

I've been depressed this past month and a half, but I've been dealing with it. I haven't had any contact with him and wasn't planning to until I felt ready. I've been making plans for the future, going to the gym, got a cute new haircut, etc. I've been doing OK, until today.

I told my boss, who is my ex's aunt's ex-partner but still sharing the same living space as the aunt, about my "perfect" cousin who is soon to be married. Now I don't really want to be married, nor do I want to be a Harvard MBA working on Wall Street like her, but following on the heels of my breakup plus some other BS at work it kinda stung. So she tells me about how for the past few weeks my ex has been going to Virginia every other weekend to be with some "trashy girl"; how he is a man "with a lot of testosterone" and a weakness for "trashy girls." She wasn't implying that I am trashy, she made that comment after I said he wasn't likely to find another one like me (which is the truth!). I think she was trying to make me feel better and trying to tell me to stop eating my heart out, but of course that's not the reaction I had.

Honestly it really upset me; quite frankly I worked myself up into a boiling rage. Especially because I know that he was in Virginia two weeks after we broke up visiting his brother. Come to think of it, he was in Virginia two weeks before we broke up, visiting his brother. I don't know exactly when or how he met her (I didn't ask for all the gory details), but still, it makes me feel like the past four years didn't mean anything to him. I could understand it if it was just a one-night stand or even a weekend fling, but for him to drive 4 hours from Baltimore to Charlottesville every other weekend to be with some "trashy girl"? Within weeks of dumping the "best girlfriend I'll ever have?" After telling me that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore? After telling me, repeatedly, how "stupid" his brother was for driving from New Jersey to Virginia to visit his then-girlfriend/now-wife?

I seriously think it is the driving part of this 'relationship' that bothers me the most. It's not just a piece of tail that he is getting....it's tail that he is going out of his way to get. Even if it is just meaningless sex, it still seems more "relationshippy" than local meaningless sex. Apparently she blew him off one of these past weekends, so God knows what their deal is now, but that does absolutely nothing to make me feel any better.

When we were breaking up (it was a weekend long process), I got angry with him because he didn't seem as upset as I was. He just kept assuring me that he was keeping everything inside because he's not emotional and inside he felt just as badly as I did. Now I wonder. He told me he didn't plan on getting involved with anyone this winter, he just wanted to focus on getting his car done and finishing up other projects. I knew that was a load of crap, but I convinced myself that it was the truth. I knew he would start dating again sooner than I would, he's a lot more outgoing than I am and comes into more contact with women than I do men, but I didn't expect it to be 2 weeks later! Even three....I couldn't even think about being with anyone else for the first month, even now I'm not all that excited by the prospect. I just feel like everything he told me during our breakup was a lie, a lie to make me feel better, but a lie nonetheless.

So tell me, if you can, why am I so angry? Is it because I feel like I've been rejected all over again, becase he lied to me, because I made myself believe his lies? Because I know that with my track record and quiet introverted personality it's going to be a while before I date anyone? Because I feel like the past four years that meant a great deal to me, didn't to him? Because I can't stop thinking about what it was like to be with him and then picturing him doing exactly the same things to some other chick?

His birthday is coming up at the end of the month; I was planning on calling him just to say "Happy Birthday" and "I miss you"....now I'm wondering if I should do that. In the mood I am now, I really don't want to talk to him ever again. I'm having a hard time restraining myself from sending him a nastygram and blocking all contact with him. I know that it is ridiculous; we are broken up and so he can do whatever he wants. But still.....I just can't get over how little these past four years apparently meant. I certainly didn't expect him to remain celibate, but I also did not expect him to repeatedly drive to another state to be with a new girl, within a month of our breakup either. I feel like he has just thrown away everything I thought we had together.

If you've read to the end of this, then bless you. If you feel like adding your two cents, bless you again. Hopefully just putting all this down and sending it out will free me up enough to sleep tonight and to start healing all over again.

[BlaqueKatt]

first off {{{{{hugs}}}}}}
second men can be jerks(they can be real sweetharts as well)

I can tell you frome xperiance that the "it's not you it's me" and "I really don't want a relationship" talk 90% of the time means"I'm currentlygoing to be sleeping with someone else.

and the "I still want to be friends" means I want to keep you waiting so if my new bed partner doesn't work out I crawl back onto your bed.

My advice: get a couple single girlfriends and either go out, or kick back with a couple movies, chips, popcorn, pizza, and icecream.

[stormtreader]

I tried to write a few responses to this, but they all ended up sounding trite and empty, so ill just say *hugs* and that things *will* get better.

[TNT]

Hugs, for whatever it's worth.

Everybody, I suppose, reacts differently to break ups. In my experience, some people will go into a quiet period, while others can't stand the thought of being alone again. They have a tendency to link up with the first person who'll have them... but it's not so much a case of running to someone as it is running away from someone else. It could even be thought of as continuing the old relationship by proxy. The new relationship never seems to last long... it often seems more like using the proxy relationship to bring a more gradual end to things rather than the sudden break up.

Of course, there are a million other possible explanations.

As far as driving four hours... I once had a girlfriend who never wanted to do a whole lot on my rare weekends off (I had one weekend off a month). I wanted to go away or just spend the weekend together, but she always said she was just too darn busy.

After we broke up, she met some guy on the internet and drove to Philadelphia every Friday and didn't come home until early Monday morning.

I never did figure that one out.

[CherryB]

Ditto everything Blaquekatt said. I have been on this planet 49 years, and I have learned that every time someone says "it's not you, it's me" or "I still want to be friends" means "I have met someone way hotter, I am already having sex with her/him but I feel just guilty enough to break it off with you before you find out on your own and kill me"

The ONLY thing you should do when you hear that drivel is to walk away and never look back. DO NOT CALL HIM! People that pull this crap are worthless pieces of poo.

One day you will look back and realize this.

Oh and once more before I forget DO NOT CALL HIM!!

[susan]

Thank you guys for your support. I would have responded sooner but my Internet went out right after I posted and didn't come up again until just this afternoon.

You guys are right. I guess what hurts the most is that I did believe him and now I just feel like the biggest fool. Especially because I went around for almost two months telling people "Oh, I'm not mad at him. He was honest with me and he treated me with respect." I was telling that to members of his family who must have known what was going on. I just feel like such fool.

I also can't get over the fact that two weeks after his visit to Virginia he decides it's time to end things. It just seems like too much of a coincidence. And it makes me wonder exactly what went on that weekend.

CherryB, you don't have to worry about me calling him. I've learned through sad experience that I can't be trusted when I'm angry. And I don't think this anger is going to go away anytime soon. Not to mention that I have no desire to see his sleazy face or hear his lying voice again.

Why couldn't he have just told me the truth? I hate him twice as much now that I know he lied to me and humiliated me in front of people I care about than I would have if he had been upfront with me. To treat me with so little respect.....not only do I want him to go to Hell, I want to be the one to send him there!

I hope he gets herpes. ;)

[AFpheonix]

He didn't tell you the truth because he appears to be lacking a pair. So good on you for getting away from that ass. He doesn't deserve you, although he does deserve some pain and irritation with urination and a funky rash. ;)

[Cia]

Since he had been straying while still with you, you might want to seriously think about getting checked out for STDs.

[Ree]

You admittedly got into a 'relationship' with a guy knowing it wasn't going anywhere.
Did you think you could convince him otherwise?
I realize 4 years is a fairly long time for a one-sided realtionship to last, but when he was so brutally honest that he wasn't actually in it for the long haul, I wonder that you were so blind-sided by his behaviour when his true colours showed.

I am sorry that you are hurting, but I think you need to realize that he wasn't much of a man to begin with, if he would knowingly string you along, using you for sex, obviously, and then toss you aside so quickly.

I think you just need to let him go and move on. You won't do yourself any good by hanging on to the anger and wish for revenge.
I know you want to hurt him as badly as you have been hurt, but I don't think he seems like the type to get that message, and in the end, you will only be the one who continues to hurt.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Don't call, don't write, and don't look back.

[nick1091]

You admittedly got into a 'relationship' with a guy knowing it wasn't going anywhere.
Did you think you could convince him otherwise?
I realize 4 years is a fairly long time for a one-sided realtionship to last, but when he was so brutally honest that he wasn't actually in it for the long haul, I wonder that you were so blind-sided by his behaviour when his true colours showed.


Quoted for truth. From how you make it sound, you ultimately had different ideals long-term, and things were going to end one way or another. He just ended it before you got to that point.

I have to disagree with those who've said people only say "Let's just be friends" because they're looking to hedge their bets in case their new thing doesn't work out. Some people actually do want to be friends, or, in most cases, "let's stay friends" is a lot easier to say to someone than "goodbye forever."

I do feel for you though. Coming from someone who was broken up with more times than I've been the breaker upper, the best thing to do is to learn something from it. This can be the experience that gives you a better idea of what you expect and need from a partner, and what you won't accept.

[Kiwi]

In any relationship breakup there needs to be a grieving period.

Even if you intend on remaining friends with him (and thats HARD to do) you still need to break off all contact with him for a period of months.

You need to get used to life without them, realise that you dont need them to define you yadda yadda.

Even if he turns out to be completely innocent of what you suspect (and sorry but I doubt it) you still should wait until your completely over him + 2 months before you have any kind of contact. Trust me, a clean break heals fastest right.

If your family or friends want to make you feel better, tell them that bringing him up in any form wont help, bagging him or not. If they want to make you feel better about yourself then they need to focus on you, and your positive elements, not him. He is no longer in the picture. I would make it CLEAR as crystal that unless you bring him up, not to mention him in front of you.

Good luck at healing, it sucks when a relationship ends. But at least its over now and you can heal and then move on, surrounding yourself with people who love and respect you and treat you with the dignity you deserve.