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View Full Version : Fantasy closing announcements *one swear!*


Lace Neil Singer
07-14-2006, 12:51 PM
So as not to hijack the old thread. ;) Post what you really want to say when it's time to make the closing announcement.

Ones I've thought of are:

"We're closing in 10 minutes. If you're not out of here by that time, we're releasing the hounds."

"If you don't leave in 10 minutes, we'll lock you in and make you work the night shift for no pay."

And the short but sweet:

"We're closed. Bugger off."

:lol:

Irving Patrick Freleigh
07-14-2006, 02:16 PM
Good evening, the store is now closed and will self-destruct in 5,4,3,2,1.....

Hotelboy
07-14-2006, 03:05 PM
"Security to aisle two! Reports of a skunk!"

Becks
07-14-2006, 03:36 PM
"We're closed, we have lives, we hate this hell-hole. Please come to the registers with your items so we can get away from this soul-sucking, spirit-breaking building of misery."

I like that one.

SteverinoNY
07-14-2006, 05:18 PM
I like the old stand-by: "Go the hell away and bother someone else...Wal-Mart is also 24 hours, please go suck out their souls and make their lives hell" (Apologies to anyone who works at a Wally World)

Acolyte
07-14-2006, 05:21 PM
'We are closing in 10 minutes. Get out. Anybody who orders between now and midnight is not responsible for any bodily fluids found in their meals. And, trust me, there's gonna be some.'

bars.of.a.rhyme
07-14-2006, 06:30 PM
Attention Hollywood Video customers. It is now five minutes to midnight and we are about to close. Please bring your purchases up to the register so that we can ring you out.

*five minutes later*

Attention Hollywood Video customers, the time is now midnight and we are closed. It's cool though, you can stay. The closing time doesn't apply to you. You can stay as long as you want to, because dammit, you're the customer, and the customer is always right, even if the customer says that we should stay open until one the morning. Please, take all the time you need to decide whether you should take home Date Movie or Wedding Crashers to watch with your stoner friends. We realize that this is a difficult and harrowing decision to make, and I speak for our entire staff when I say that we sympathize with you in your time of need. So, like I said, go ahead and browse through every single movie we have in stock. The GSR and I have nowhere to be, and besides, you are more important than we are anyway, on account of you don't work behind a counter or use phrases like "on account of." You are far more intelligent than either of us for the same reason (even though I'm a nursing student and my coworker here is doing pre-med), so if you say the store should be open, well hell, you must be right. Besides, Hollywood stores are staffed not by humans, but by robots equipped with customer service subroutines. As robots, we do not require food, rest, or respect, for that matter, so if you'd like to make a fat joke on your way out, that's cool too. We will reopen at ten AM tomorrow morning, but feel free to bust open the (broken) lock on the door at nine-thirty. Thanks again for choosing Hollywood. I hate you all. Have a pleasant evening."

(This actually has happened on many occasions. There is a group of people who always come in at 11:58, insist that they know exactly what they want, and then stay until 12:30. One night, we kicked them out, being as we were closed, and they called corporate. Corporate, in turn, called us, and told us that we were not allowed to kick people out no matter how late they stayed in the store.)

Kiwi
07-14-2006, 06:50 PM
I always wanted to play that song "closing time"

slowly dim the lights and have someone in a husky voice say "the love tarps will be spread out in 5 minutes, anyone in the store at that time will be required to strip and GET FUNKY"

as disco balls come down from the ceiling

that would get them out faster than a greased pig

bars.of.a.rhyme
07-14-2006, 06:54 PM
"the love tarps will be spread out in 5 minutes, anyone in the store at that time will be required to strip and GET FUNKY"


Arr Oh Eff Ell.

*wipes iced tea off the screen of her laptop*

Acolyte
07-14-2006, 09:31 PM
"the love tarps will be spread out in 5 minutes, anyone in the store at that time will be required to strip and GET FUNKY"

Totally sigged.

Jack T. Chance
07-14-2006, 09:36 PM
I always wanted to play that song "closing time"I'd go one better, and make a mix CD at least 30 minutes long to play during the last half hour that the store is open. It would have "Closing Time", that "So Long" song from The Sound of Music, "Goodbye" by Gravity Kills, and any other songs with the same basic theme. It would be cranked up to full volume, so as to beat the customers over the head with the message! :devil:slowly dim the lights and have someone in a husky voice say "the love tarps will be spread out in 5 minutes, anyone in the store at that time will be required to strip and GET FUNKY"

as disco balls come down from the ceiling

that would get them out faster than a greased pig:lol:

Dude, that would ROCK!!! :roll:

Spiffy McMoron
07-15-2006, 02:14 AM
that would get them out faster than a greased pig

Or maybe it wouldn't...

:eek:

Knightmare
07-15-2006, 03:02 AM
And the short but sweet:

"We're closed. Bugger off."

:lol:


Is bugger really a swear word? I hear it in movies and television all the time, and I always thought it was like "damn." You know, naughty enough to get the point across, but not bad enough to get one's panties in a bunch.

Ocelot Girl
07-15-2006, 03:19 AM
Is bugger really a swear word? I hear it in movies and television all the time, and I always thought it was like "damn." You know, naughty enough to get the point across, but not bad enough to get one's panties in a bunch.

It's not swearing in the colonies, but I remember one time I used it in front of a pair of young British girls who were somewhat shocked by such crass language in public.

Kiwi
07-15-2006, 06:39 AM
Bugger is I think a form of verb used to describe ... ahh.. how do I put this the right way an... action between man and animal.

My Grandad just about drove into a powerpole when I said it once as a child.

correct me if im wrong?

Ocelot Girl
07-15-2006, 06:59 AM
Actually, 'buggery' is a vulgar term for sodomy.

Broomjockey
07-15-2006, 07:02 AM
Bugger is I think a form of verb used to describe ... ahh.. how do I put this the right way an... action between man and animal.

My Grandad just about drove into a powerpole when I said it once as a child.

correct me if im wrong?

Actually, I'm fairly certain that bugger is the forcible violation of a man's bottom.

Anyway, my fantasy closing announcement would be fairly simple:
"Everyone go home to the people who love you, 'cause we sure don't. All registers are closed, so put your stuff away. We've got cameras and can tell if you don't. Those who don't will be charged a $20 restocking fee."

Worker-Intellectual
07-15-2006, 07:50 AM
"Attention customers, the time is now 8:50, and all of our employees are armed. Hunting season starts at 9:01. Thank you for shopping at crappy tire and have a nice night. But make sure you are having a nice night somewhere else. I have to go to the beer vendor and don't want to have to throw your bodies in the cardboard baler. So hurry the hell up."

Rubystars
07-15-2006, 02:06 PM
I'm going to go up to each and every one of the customers that are still hanging around in Famous Footwear at closing and tell them "The stores closed, you need to leave now so we can finish cleaning up and go home ourselves." I have more freedom in what I can do there now since I'm close to quitting anyway. If they get an attitude, I'll just tell them "You're not any more important than anyone else, you don't get to shop after hours when we're not letting anyone else into the store."

Lace Neil Singer
07-15-2006, 02:59 PM
"Bugger" is a swear for Brits; not for Americans tho. Same goes for "bloody" and "bollocks".

That's enough for the swear lesson, and hopefully the mods won't edit my post. :lol:

Tito
07-15-2006, 05:07 PM
"We're closing. You have 5 minutes to finish your shopping & get the f' out of here, or else you'll be locked in for the night. Just because you have no lives does not mean that we don't!'

XCashier
07-15-2006, 05:37 PM
I always wanted to play that song "closing time"
Yeah, I did alternate lyrics on the last board incarnation. Wonder if I can remember them...

"Closing time, time for you to go back to the houses that you came from.
Closing time, this store will be open with the rising of the morning sun.
Closing time, one last call for shopping now, so pick out your last bits of gear.
Closing time, we'd all like to go home, so you can't stay here.

I know that we all want to go home,
I know that we all want to go home,
I know that we all want to go home,
Please go home!" :D

Of course, you can always go on the PA and announce, "Attention, customers. The store is now closed.
[switch to Exorcist-style demon voice]GET OUT!!! "

KayEm
07-15-2006, 06:26 PM
"It is 10:45 and Fred Meyer will be closing in 15 minutes, please do not delay in bringing your purchases to the front of the store as the woodchipper is, as we speak, cycling up. Stray customers found on the floor at closing time will be summarily tossed into the woodchipper. Why do you think our ground "beef" is so cheap ? Have a nice day and come back soon"

ShockQueen
07-15-2006, 07:13 PM
Not so much a fantasy closing, but always thought it hilarious when our Hasting's store would start playing "Happy Trails" starting at about 10 minutes to closing and it just-kept-playing with pre-recorded announcements interspersed. I knew the manager was way cool, so it was always funny to hear it.

Although.......I'm glad I didn't work there. Hearing that night after night would have me about ready to commit hari-kari.

Rapscallion
07-15-2006, 07:28 PM
A place my brother used to frequent played 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' as a 'get out' song. Now, if they'd played the spoof version (The Devil went down to Jamaica), they'd have a time clearing the place.

Rapscallion

lordlundar
07-15-2006, 10:42 PM
"Attention customers, the store is now closed and snipers are taking their positions. Anyone here in 5 mins will be summarily shot and the body disposed of."

AmericanZero8503
07-15-2006, 11:14 PM
This guy we work with has a deep voice, and when he makes announcements it sounds like god is talking. So if he were speaking...


"This is God...you don't want groceries...you want to persue your life dream of being Rock star. Go and live your dreams"

It could work...it might even make me leave the store...lol.

Tria
07-16-2006, 12:05 AM
Stand at the entrance in grey robes and a fake beard shouting, "You shall not pass!"

moekosowl
07-16-2006, 12:21 AM
Stand at the entrance in grey robes and a fake beard shouting, "You shall not pass!"
Drat it, Tria, that almost cost me a keyboard! Good one!

Imogene
07-16-2006, 01:05 AM
A place my brother used to frequent played 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' as a 'get out' song. Now, if they'd played the spoof version (The Devil went down to Jamaica), they'd have a time clearing the place.

Rapscallion


"Devil went down to Georgia,
Lookin for a soul to steal.
He was in a bind, he was way behind,
He was willin to make a deal."

Bring me into the store, I'll sing along with it, at least to about halfway through.

A line given by Walter the Vietnam Vet in Jeff Dunham's stand up "Talking to Myself": "*clears throat* Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your sh*t and get out."

Spiffy McMoron
07-16-2006, 01:31 AM
Stand at the entrance in grey robes and a fake beard shouting, "You shall not pass!"

Or you could walk through the store telling people that "we don't have the droids you were looking for"

FeazTheMovieJedi
07-16-2006, 06:13 AM
We are closed, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Lace Neil Singer
07-16-2006, 04:55 PM
As I mentioned in the other thread, the Skid Row song "Get The F*** Out!" would be perfect played as a closing announcement. Plus, I'd get to inflict my musical taste on others, which is always a bonus.

Tria
07-16-2006, 07:35 PM
Or you could walk through the store telling people that "we don't have the droids you were looking for"


"None shall pass!" *Loves Monty Python*

Sunsetsky
07-17-2006, 03:20 AM
Well...I work at walmart and we are open 24 hours. But...I do know the pain of closing time from other jobs.


"Attention all customers, the store will be closing in 30 seconds. Straglers will caught, hog tied, and thrown from the store. Afterwards, we will release the rapid dogs. Thank you and get out."

Or I would just play an incredibly annoying song over the PDA a few minutes before closing. With each passing minute...it would get louder...and louder. Or I could just sing over the PDA myself. I'm sure that will scare the customers off.

stickycoins
07-17-2006, 04:35 AM
I'll just do what I always do: If somebody comes in at 9:58, I tell them I am locking them in and do it. Nobody else comes in. No matter how hard they pound on the door. I have had to force the door closed after letting someone out because somebody "just needs smokes/a blunt/beer". If I didn't do that I would be there all night. I have ridden past my store at 1am and there would be somebody trying the door even though the lights are off and the closed sign is up. Further proof of not reading signs.:deadhorse: heehee, am I the first to use that?

erik316wttn
07-17-2006, 05:16 AM
Attention customers:

The time is now 12 midnight and your local Wal-Mart is now CLOSED. Please gather your belongings and get the fuck out. You've had all day to shop and if you don't have what you need by now, tough crap. Our associates are going home. Good night.

Comp_geek
07-17-2006, 01:04 PM
haha

the other night everyone in the store was gone, but these two people at our copy centre. One of them was cutting something and the other one was still ordering stuff EVEN THOUGH the announcement had been made and half our lights had already gone out.

so i go by the girls in copy centre as they're working and loudly say "I'm so happy we're CLOSED I can't wait to get home after CLOSE"

"Did you guys need any help with your CLOSING duties?"

I don't think the "customers" liked it but come on, it was 10 minutes after the store had closed on a Saturday, Gimme a break.

Lace Neil Singer
07-17-2006, 03:52 PM
Or I would just play an incredibly annoying song over the PDA a few minutes before closing. With each passing minute...it would get louder...and louder. Or I could just sing over the PDA myself. I'm sure that will scare the customers off.
How about singing "I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves" until they either go mad, leave or both?:lol:

DistantStar
07-17-2006, 10:19 PM
I work at a 24-hour Wal-Mart. I do sometimes have the fun of closing down the fitting room, though, so while I don't announce that the rooms are closing, I know about getting people to go the hell away because it's 11 PM and I wanna go home. We always, always, always get a small rush of people at about 10:50. WHY???

Imaginary annoucement: "Attention customers. The fitting room is closed. Why the hell are you shopping for clothes at this hour of the night for, anyway? You do realize that it's 11 at night? I can see making a beer run at this hour, but a jeans and T-shirt run? Go away and leave me alone. I'm going home."

Sir Spaniard the 12th
07-18-2006, 12:18 AM
"Attention Customers: We close in 5 minutes. Our staff are ready to seek you out, and are armed with a can of gas, and a box of matches. That is all."

Sunsetsky
07-18-2006, 02:44 AM
How about singing "I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves" until they either go mad, leave or both?:lol:

I was thinking that or "This is the song that never ends." After each repeat the song would get louder and even more annoying. :D

Antisocial_Worker
07-18-2006, 02:48 AM
I would suggest playing the song Banana Phone, but it would likely cause a stampede for the exits.

Not that that would be a bad thing, but you'd have to make sure all the closing staff was capable of leaping up onto the counters.

Becks
07-18-2006, 09:53 PM
Stand at the entrance in grey robes and a fake beard shouting, "You shall not pass!"

:spew: Well, there goes Rule #1 again. How times does it get violated before you get a speaking to?

Back on topic, another fantasy closing announcement would be, "We're closing/closed. If you like this place sooooooooooooooo much that you'd be here this late, we have the option of forcing you to work here. Please go to the customer service desk to get your uniform. Details will be worked out with human resources tomorrow. Of course, if you choose NOT to take advantage of this opportunity, please get out NOW and come back earlier in the day tomorrow."

ArenaBoy
01-02-2007, 01:32 AM
"Attention arena patrons, the event is now over and we are trying to pick up the lot. If you do not vacate the lot in 5 minutes we will put the boot on any car and they will be for our own personal choosing which we get to keep. That is all."

RogueOne
01-02-2007, 04:04 AM
Or you could walk through the store telling people that "we don't have the droids you were looking for"

Or even better, have guys dressed as Stormtroopers at each aisle going "Move along, move along."

We are closed. If you don't get the fuck out in 1 minute, you will be shot. Survivors will be trampled by a marching band , shot again, then fed to the woodchipper. :chipper:

Drakstern
01-02-2007, 04:30 AM
I'd like to have a squad of employees who follow customers still in the store around doing the 'I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU' thing kids do.

That'd get me out of a store quickly.

powerboy
01-02-2007, 07:20 AM
We are closed in 5 minutes. If you are not out by then, though shit, you are locked in, and beaten with a Singapore cane, until you are seconds from death. :D , and I would do it too, I have a Singapore Cane at home, and would use it, if I was able too, without going to jail.

iradney
01-02-2007, 09:26 AM
My father has a few CDs that would get rid of people FAST! I would've loved to play them a few times when working at the CD store. And the Donut shop...
One CD was recorded in the 20's by some lady who thought she could sing opera. Needless to say, her offkey warblings in the "Queen of the night" aria makes our dog cringe. (Florence Foster Jenkins - the Glory (?) of the Human Voice)
Also, he has Michael Bolton sings Opera. Painful. so painful.
Then, there's the whistling preacher's wife. That's right - whistling with music. It's a South African CD (Called "Die Fluitende Predikant Vrou") so i'm not sure you guys could get it there.
But i'm relatively sure that'd get rid of anyone (and quite possibly most insects too!)

NightAngel
01-02-2007, 09:52 AM
How about simply, "Get the Hell out!"
Then flick the lights on and off really fast and annoyingly.

Nope... never done that... :angel:

RecoveringKinkoid
01-02-2007, 04:26 PM
My most favorite Irish pub, the Chalkman, which sprouts up like Brigadoon at Pennsic every year for two weeks then vanishes without a trace untill the next year, has a sign that says:

"Piss off! We're closed!"

RogueOne
01-02-2007, 04:55 PM
Get Jay and Silent Bob signs


Open: I assure you, we're open.

Closed: Beat it, brown-eye, we're closed.

danegrous_21
01-04-2007, 06:47 PM
i just wished we had a count down till closing time, b/c we dont it can be 2 mins to our official closing time and people can still come in. we normally close at 10, it can be 10:10,15 or 30 before we even say that we "remind" people that we close at 10, but let people still roam around. we use no forceful measure to leave.



now my fantasy
we would remind people form 30 mins out and then like that walgreens commerical once 10pm hits, the lights turn off and the doors lock. thats my close im tired of watchin people mill around after 10, thinking they have all the time in the world

DarthRetard
01-04-2007, 08:38 PM
I have a couple to contribute. We don't have a PDA at the radioshack, so we need to improvise with our scare tactics. My idea(1):

1. From the breakroom, shut off the lights, and then on the stereo have The Imperial March ready to play in the store....

2. Then, as the music plays, you walk out silently, breathing heavily....pretending to interrogate someone (another coworker in on it) and then "strangle them" with the force as you tell them that they're lying about where the straggling customers are.

3. Sneak up on an elderly people possible.

OR

Play the Reel Big Fish song "I hate You, Fuck you, Leave me Alone!"

Department stores *sigh*
01-05-2007, 08:01 AM
'Attention shoppers it is now 9 pm and we are closed. Please take your purchases to the south checkout and leave as soon as possible. As a reminder if you are here and not actively checking out then you are trespassing and will help our LPO's meet their arrest quota for the month. Thank you and get the hell out'

AFpheonix
01-05-2007, 10:02 AM
We don't close, but if we did, I would hope for one like "Thank you for shopping, the store is now closed, please make your way to the registers. In 15 minutes we will be releasing the hounds: :D

iradney
01-05-2007, 10:30 AM
1. From the breakroom, shut off the lights, and then on the stereo have The Imperial March ready to play in the store....

2. Then, as the music plays, you walk out silently, breathing heavily....pretending to interrogate someone (another coworker in on it) and then "strangle them" with the force as you tell them that they're lying about where the straggling customers are.



omigosh, that would be awesome - i would actually pay to see that:lol:

Lulu
01-05-2007, 12:23 PM
This Christmas Eve I BEGGED my manager to use the following:

"Ladies and gentlemen...It is now 4pm, we thank you for shopping with us this year and we'd like to point out that as you are now officially breaking the UK trading laws by keeping us open, we will be forced to have anyone still on the premises thrown into the mystical "out back" where they will no doubt tide the Balrog's over till the new year's crop of shoplifters. BuBYE!"

wagegoth
01-05-2007, 09:04 PM
The one I wished they would use when I worked at Nordstrom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is now 9:30 and our store is closed. Our employees are leaving because they have lives and wish to live them. If you are avoiding going home, may I suggest the club three blocks away. You may stay there until the 2:00 a.m. last call. There is also a 24-hour donut shop one block away, if the thought of going home makes you that miserable.

"And let me say, if you really dread going home or living life outside this retail establishment that much, then perhaps you should consider the services of one of the fine psychiatrists at the medical offices at the top of the hill. You can see them as you leave the store.

"Good night, good-bye, come back when you're on medication."

dizzy_starshine
01-06-2007, 12:51 AM
Tonight we had a wonderful accident happen. We have a radio station playing and at 5 mintues to closing Leave by JoJo came on

get out (leave) right now
itís the end of you and me
itís too late (now) and I canít wait for you to be gone

Me and my manager really had to bite our tongues to keep from laughing

Mighty Girl
01-06-2007, 03:54 AM
We're closing in 5 minutes. If you don't leave within those 5 minutes, you'll be locked in here all weekend (in my fantasy, the stores close on weekends). There is no second chance.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-06-2007, 04:28 AM
(This actually has happened on many occasions. There is a group of people who always come in at 11:58, insist that they know exactly what they want, and then stay until 12:30. One night, we kicked them out, being as we were closed, and they called corporate. Corporate, in turn, called us, and told us that we were not allowed to kick people out no matter how late they stayed in the store.)

I have a special place in my :chipper: for people like that (people who call corporate just because they were told no).

This happened to us a couple years ago on Christmas Eve (or maybe it was the Saturday before Christmas; either way it was a mucho busy day). A customer called the store asking if we had a certain item in stock. I forget specifically what she was looking for, but it was one of the hotter items that we had trouble keeping in stock.

The person at the service desk who took the call told her we did not have the item in stock, but we had a truck that night and she could call the following morning to see if it was in stock.

Well that was not good enough for her. She called our distribution center, who looked up the manifest for the truck parked on our dock, and told her the item was on that truck. Presumably her next call was to the corporate office, because the store manager then got a call telling him it would be to his advantage to get this item off the truck so the customer could buy it.

So he, along with two hardlines floor people, trudged to the backroom and didn't unload the truck as much as push all the merchandise to the sides of the trailer to make a path and look for the item. And of course, Murphy's Law being strictly enforced, the item was buried at the front of the trailer.

Yeah, I know we're in customer service and all that, but when you have a thin crew to start with, and you have to take half the floor people to the backroom just so Miss Thang can have her liquor bottle carousel or whatever the hell it is she wants, and you have carryouts and calls for backup cashiers coming in non-stop...well let's just say we're not going to be serving many customers today.

*rant off*

And now for another of my fantasy closing announcements...

"Good evening. The store is now closed. Our employees have been force-fed a strict diet of sauerkraut, 5-alarm chili, baked beans, refried beans, and beer. They are feeling a little full and will be released to roam the salesfloor free-range in 5 seconds. No, we do not have any oxygen masks available. Go ahead and take your time deciding whether you want Carrie Underwood's or Kellie Pickler's new CD. We dare you."

repsac
01-07-2007, 11:23 PM
Actual Announcement:

Attention customers. It is now eight thirty. Our store closes at nine, so please be making your final purchases and moving up front.

Fifteen till closing:

Attention customers. It's now eight fourty five. You should be at the registers by now, since we will be closing at nine. Thank you for shopping with us and have a nice day.

Closing:

Customers? It's me again. Just thought you should know, it's nine o'clock and the store is officially closed. Now, you've got maybe five minutes to get to the front and check out. We're not responsible for anything after that.

Ten min later;

Hey guys. Yeah, it's me. Listen, I know there's a couple of you still in here, and just thought you should know. In about three minutes or so, the lights are going to go out. When that happens, you're going to be in the dark. So freeze where you are right now and wait. An employee will come get you so you don't get hurt. Don't bother trying to check out though, all our registers are closed. Now, don't be that way. Whining about it won't do you any good. I've paged you several times so you can't say you weren't warned. Yes, you can call and complain, but they'll want my name and such, so here it is. I'm Bob, our store number is sixteen eighty three, and you're welcome to complain at our customer complaint line. Remember. Bob, store number sixteen eighty three.


I often wondered if some guy named Bob at store 1683 got in trouble for that.

IT Grunt
01-08-2007, 01:21 AM
Only time I ever had to deal with 'closing' was when I worked in the computer lab in college. There would be people in there using the PCs on Friday night to chat away on chat rooms. Some were there for up to 5 hours or more chatting away. On Fridays, the lab closed at 8 pm. My shift ran from 4-8 pm, and as you can guess, there's LOTS of other places I'd rather be on a Friday night. At 15 til, I would announce the lab was closing. Then at 10 til, then at 5 til, then I would announce final closing. Before people had discovered this chat room, that would be the end of it and people would leave, I'd shut everything down, all was well. Until this night:

7:45 - The lab is closing in 15 minutes.

7:50 - The lab is closing in 10 minutes, please save your work and turn your machines off now. (No one does.)

7:55 - The lab is closing in 5 minutes, please turn your machines off now. (Again, I'm totally ignored. The sound of 6 keyboards clicking is painfully obvious.)

8:00 - People are still there, ignoring me as they type away in this chat room. So, I do what I'm there to do. I turn off all the lights. :devil: The reaction was immediate, loud, vocal, and colorful. However, the hint, after having been applied with C4 and a sledgehammer, finally sunk in and they left. They left their machines on and I had to turn them all off, but that only took a couple minutes and I got out before 8:10.

People never stayed late when I announced closing call after that. I wonder why? :angel:

MMATM
01-08-2007, 01:55 AM
Only time I ever had to deal with 'closing' was when I worked in the computer lab in college.
---snip---
People never stayed late when I announced closing call after that. I wonder why? :angel:

If I had been forced to tell them repeatedly to turn off the PCs, I might've just found out where the internet connection for the room was and disconnected it at 8. Though switching off the power strips would've been even more awesome, it might damage computers and that would all-too-quickly turn into a bad day in Bosnia. Same thing for using an outlet timer to shut down the computers at precisely 8pm. Installing a scheduled task to exit all programs and shut down at 8 would probably work, but A) I don't know if it could/can be done and B) I sure as 7734 on an upside-down calculator don't know how to do it.
(Sorry. Mildly off-topic.)

I love the stormtroopers idea.
As far as the Exorcist voice, it'd be much more effective to switch off the lights a second or so before the "Get out!"


Personally, I'd say something like "Attention shoppers. Due to a police investigation, we must ask you to exit the store immediately. Only lanes five and six will be available for checkout, and any non-employees left in the store after 11:15pm will be interfering with an ongoing federal investigation. Thank you for understanding, and as always, thank you for shopping at [store name]."

I think pretending that a known car thief/escaped convict/murderer is in the area and asking customers to please check on their vehicles would work as well, but I don't know how I'd word it.

Caveat Emptor
01-09-2007, 03:14 AM
Of course, you can always go on the PA and announce, "Attention, customers. The store is now closed.
[switch to Exorcist-style demon voice]GET OUT!!! "


I actually did this as a page at the local library when I was 17. It was 5 minutes after we closed and we were about do do a security sweep.

I tried to do it more like the Amityville Horror than Exorcist. You know, the scene with the priest, flies on his face and boils on his hands when he tries to bless the house. :D

SuperDan
01-09-2007, 03:46 AM
There is a business in my city that is basically an arcade of console video games... there are TVs connected to PS2s, XBoxes, and whatever other consoles they have in there, you get the point.

The owner, particularly when he has late night events, will make a closing announcement at two minutes til. At the scheduled closing time, he just shuts off the breakers for the TVs and gaming consoles. No warning other than the 2 minute. Game over.

Pagan
01-09-2007, 04:15 AM
Not so much a fantasy closing, but always thought it hilarious when our Hasting's store would start playing "Happy Trails" starting at about 10 minutes to closing and it just-kept-playing with pre-recorded announcements interspersed. I knew the manager was way cool, so it was always funny to hear it.

Although.......I'm glad I didn't work there. Hearing that night after night would have me about ready to commit hari-kari.

He,he....guess where I work?! Did you ever hear the end of it when it plays the "Star Spangled Banner"? But, we've found that the "Happy Trails" just doesn't work. What does seem to work is turning off the music completely.

Here's the one I wish we could do, with apologies to Jeanne Garafalo:

"Attention Hasting's customers, the time is now 11pm and and Hasting's is closed. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Seriously. We've been open for 14 hours already. Just what the hell have you been doing that you can't get here before 10:59pm? Trust us, the book/CD/movie/whatever will still be here at 9am tomorrow morning. And sir/ma'am, this includes you."

I'm just wondering how hard it was to get people out of there when they closed at 4pm on the 12/30 because of the snow (I wasn't there, couldn't get out of my parking lot). For pity's sake, there is absolutely nothing in our store that anybody needs.

Lace Neil Singer
01-09-2007, 12:40 PM
I'm just wondering how hard it was to get people out of there when they closed at 4pm on the 12/30 because of the snow (I wasn't there, couldn't get out of my parking lot). For pity's sake, there is absolutely nothing in our store that anybody needs.

Same problem with the garden centre where I used to work... we had to kick people out twice, first cuz there was a power cut and second cuz there were flood warnings and staff were worried about not being able to get home. Hello, there is nothing you buy in a garden centre that you can't do without until the store opens again! :rolleyes:

Primer
01-09-2007, 04:03 PM
Only time I ever had to deal with 'closing' was when I worked in the computer lab in college. There would be people in there using the PCs on Friday night to chat away on chat rooms. Some were there for up to 5 hours or more chatting away.

7:55 - The lab is closing in 5 minutes, please turn your machines off now. (Again, I'm totally ignored. The sound of 6 keyboards clicking is painfully obvious.)

8:00 - People are still there, ignoring me as they type away in this chat room. So, I do what I'm there to do. I turn off all the lights. :devil: The reaction was immediate, loud, vocal, and colorful.

Installing a scheduled task to exit all programs and shut down at 8 would probably work, but A) I don't know if it could/can be done and B) I sure as 7734 on an upside-down calculator don't know how to do it.


Yes, such a program does exist. The one my lab uses is called "Sleepy." It sets the earliest time the programs can be accessed as well as shutting everything down at a particular time.

It takes only once for a student to lose everything when the system shuts them off to believe us when we tell them we're closing, and the computers shut off in x minutes. After that, they save and leave! :D

MMATM
01-09-2007, 04:19 PM
That's genius Primer. I kinda hope they have a similar program at UMass, in case I decide to get a job there in one of the computer labs.

God forbid that ever happens... :D

B&NGoddess
01-09-2007, 04:50 PM
I always wanted to play that song "closing time"

we had a manager that would do that. of course, our clientele are a bunch of knuckle draggers, so no one got the hint.

my first sig is the basic fantasy. also, on xmas eve after making the closing announcement, these two dudes thought that it didn't apply to them. as they were heading in the opposite direction of the registers, i shouted, "registers are over here, guys." to which one replied "wow you really want us out."

"we have families too."

Kilamon
01-09-2007, 05:41 PM
They left their machines on and I had to turn them all off, but that only took a couple minutes and I got out before 8:10.

The BOFH Handbook states that, if you are caught in a situation such as performing a close on the lab on a Friday night, you are well within your BOFH rights to change the time on all the computers one hour ahead and install a power switch that kills the power to all the computers at the same time. :devil: For bonus points, I'd break the wall clock and put a couple empty beer bottles on my desk next to the tip jar.

Spiffy McMoron
01-09-2007, 07:39 PM
as they were heading in the opposite direction of the registers, i shouted, "registers are over here, guys." to which one replied "wow you really want us out."

Sadly, that guy was the brains of the bunch. :cry:

At my job, I don't have closing announcements. All I do is pull down the steel shutters, and if a mechanic wants something, well, he should have came up 10 minutes ago.

SuperDan
01-09-2007, 10:20 PM
A bar that I do karaoke at just pulls their register drawers at last call (20-30 mins till close) and at close the karaoke DJ plays a song called "Get the Fuck Out." Talk about dropping a subtle hint :lol:

MadMike
01-10-2007, 03:08 PM
A bar that I do karaoke at just pulls their register drawers at last call (20-30 mins till close) and at close the karaoke DJ plays a song called "Get the Fuck Out." Talk about dropping a subtle hint :lol:

At this one bar I used to go to, they employees would actually start saying it, usually around 2:15 or 2:20. I guess I can't blame them, because by law everyone who doesn't work there has to be out by 2:30, and at least in this state, they're really strict about it.