How to approach a person

[hinakiba777]

I have no idea how in the heck to approach men. I tend to blame it on a few bad experiences in High School where boys asked me out just so they could laugh at me when I said yes. Since starting university I have been on two dates, one April of my first year, and one October of last year.

The thing is, I have no clue how one is supposed to get from the point of meeting a guy for the first time and asking them out. I know if a guy asked me out two seconds after meeting me, I'd turn him down on principal. I lucked out with the guys I did date, because one had a mutual friend who acquainted us, while I met the other one at a Residence Dance.

A lot of my friend say I'm a "Natural Flirt". I apparently am always flirting with guys without my knowledge. This is a problem because; A) most guys think I'm flirting with them when I'm not, and B) guys I do like assume I'm just acting like I always do.

So how do I approach a guy with the eventual intention of asking him out? How do I make sure I get my point across without seeming forward, or him thinking I'm just being friendly?

Help please.

[Bright_Star]

If you're interested in someone enough to go out with them then go up to them & ask. How is someone to know that you want to go out with them if you don't say anything?

[Jester]

So how do I approach a guy with the eventual intention of asking him out?

The same way you would approach a guy that you were not intending to ask out. Just go up and start talking. As I have said many times, "Start with hello and go from there."

If you put all that pressure of "I'm eventually going to ask him out" on yourself, you are going to get nervous, etc. So don't. Just approach it like it was any other guy. You will have more confidence that way, and just as importantly, you will appear to have more confidence.

How do I make sure I get my point across without seeming forward, or him thinking I'm just being friendly?

First of all, there is nothing wrong with being friendly.

Secondly, as Bright Star said, just ask him. Once you've gotten to know the dude, just say something like, "Hey, what are you doing later?"; "Hey, what are you doing Friday night?"; "Would you like to get some coffee?"; "Would you like to get a drink?"; "Are you going to the dance at Jester's Tavern?"; etc. And what is wrong with being forward? "Hey, let's go to the game Saturday night." Hell, you don't even have to make it a question. "I'm hungry--let's get dinner."

Whatever you do, remember to relax, and even more importantly, remember to breathe. Seriously. And stop stressing. Because when it gets right down to it, no matter how wonderful Mr. Wonderful is, in the end, he is still just a guy, and if he is not interested, there are a whole shitload more where he came from.

Hope this helps!

[Green_Fairy]

don't focus on the ones that don't wanna go out. focus on the ones that do.

[Seshat]

Asking someone for lunch or for a coffee is a great 'first long encounter' situation: both of you have an automatic 'out' if things don't work out. And it's in public, in case things go very wrong.

And it's (usually) quiet enough that you can actually talk and find out if you're compatible.

For other advice, read the 'preparing to meet your life partner' thread.

[Shards]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being forward. Hell, Coffee or smoothies, or lunch, or drinks are all very low-committal, public activities which work well for first "dates" and give everyone an out. It's not a terrible thing if that's when you're getting to know someone, because while we give it a different label, getting to know someone and deciding if a relationship is ultimately something to pursue is really what the first several dates are all about. So, don't be so withdrawn that you don't give it a chance. If a guy asks you out early, or you ask them out early, keep it non-committal, and use the first date to learn about them as a person.

Don't be like my Ex-Fi and I, and spend your first date lip-locked and take a month to learn a darn thing about one another, but don't be afraid to give a first date a shot if you don't know them very well, that's what first dates are for, seriously.

[Gawdzillers]

Hell, you don't even have to make it a question. "I'm hungry--let's get dinner."

I like this. Asking a question like "Hey, wanna go out?" gives the other person too much of a chance to reject you. If you insist on something, you're putting a decent amount of peer pressure on them, and chances are that they'll probably crack and say, "Okay" (Especially if they like you).

I know it sounds underhanded and maybe even a bit rude, but all's fair in love and war.

[Greenday]

Supposing you still live on campus, ask the guy to grab a meal or something at the student center/dining hall or wherever. If you don't live on a big campus or a school with a ton of different campuses, odds are he was planning on going there at some point too and it's always better when you have someone going with you. Both into sports? See if he wants to watch a game you both are interested in. Video games? Hit that up.

Honestly, being forward is the best idea. We have no idea you are interested in us otherwise.

[Shards]

Greenday is right, as a general rule, even the observant guys can not notice a girl flirting with them, or convince themselves that it's just them being friendly. Always better to be up front about your interest.

[Jester]

I like this. Asking a question like "Hey, wanna go out?" gives the other person too much of a chance to reject you.

It's a good method. I actually started to realize it a short time ago, within say the last couple years, when it came to getting a girl's phone number. I used to ask if I could have it. Now there is no request. "Hey Jane--give me your number." Or, "Hey Jane--what's your number?" Sure, the second one is a question, but it's NOT a request. It is assertive and confident.

I know it sounds underhanded and maybe even a bit rude, but all's fair in love and war.

And yes, it is a bit underhanded, and perhaps even somewhat rude. More importantly, it is effective. It fucking works. Because it IS assertive, it IS confident. And while objectively you could think it sounds rude, to the person you are talking to, it really doesn't come off as rude.

Honestly, being forward is the best idea. We have no idea you are interested in us otherwise.

"Listen you should to Day of Green. Wisely does he speak."

Seriously, when it comes to women, guys are inherently stupid, clueless, and oblivious.

I myself am a fairly intelligent guy. But there have been a lot of times when a girl was interested in me and/or flirting with me that I had not a clue. Sometimes I have had a friend bring it to my attention. Other times I just missed out on what could have been. I see these things in women when they are interested in other guys, but not when I am the object of affection and attention. Because, while I am a bright guy, I am still a guy, and thus, stupid.

It all goes back to the Universal Law of the Sexes. To wit:

All men are stupid.
All women are insane.
There are NO exceptions.

The application of which is:

Guys, stop looking for logic or rationality in the things women do and say. It's like looking for Tara Reid at a Mormon Temple. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Women, stop throwing out little "signs" for guys to pick up that tell them you're interested. They won't catch these things. Guys are stupid, and require far less subtlety. You are tossing a piece of popcorn at their arm. They need a sledgehammer to the skull.

[Red_Dazes]

I used to have this problem too. Mostly because I grew up with all boys, I was one of the boys. So growing up I never really looked at guys different than girls. My friends would always tell me how big of a flirt I was... but really I was just interacting how I would with anyone. When I finally started LIKING guys though. Oh boy. I had no idea how to tell them. It was like a chasm of social awkwardness that I just couldn't get across.
Mostly I just kept it too myself, and I regret not finding out where those relationships could have gone, but I'm happy with where I am now.

..I think the best advice you've gotten, is ((well from all over)) Don't come right out and say "Wanna go out!"
We are women, we have the right to be sneaky and underhanded. "Man I am having a serious crash, I'm gonna go grab some coffee. You want any?"
"I'm STARVING, I'm gonna go grab some lunch. You hungry? " etc. This way it's not a "lets have a date" invite, and if they accept GREAT! if they don't, that's fine too just say "Okay! Well see you tomorrow!" with a big bright smile.
Just be yourself, and act how you USUALLY act around them, don't get too nervous, and don't get discouraged if you get turned down. It happens... and it will happen. Keep your chin up and be confident. Nothing is more sexy than a confidant woman. ((or so I have heard))

[Jester]

Nothing is more sexy than a confidant woman.

I submit that a confident naked woman would be sexier. :eyewaggle:

[Greenday]

I submit that a confident naked woman would be sexier. :eyewaggle:

Two confident naked women would be even sexier than that...but let's worry about just getting one.

[Jester]

I don't worry about such things. I have found that when I worry about such things, they don't happen. When I don't worry one damn bit about such things, though, they tend to happen far more often than I would believe.

What? Me worry? Not at all! :D

[Greenday]

By worry I mean focus.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Under no circumstances say "Wanna go out sometime?"

Sometime never arrives.

"Hey, come with me for coffee. My treat."

[Jester]

"Hey, come with me for coffee. My treat."

That can be good, but it can be bad as well. How could it be bad? Well, if the person that sparks your pilot light happens to be a sponge, and you didn't know it....well, that's a good way to suddenly have a permanent financial leach. It's like feeding neighborhood strays....a bad idea.

First time, I would just suggest the coffee, not the treating part.

Of course, I'm speaking hypothetically, as I don't drink coffee, so would never suggest it. Y'all know what I mean.

[Plaidman]

Just be yourself, and act how you USUALLY act around them, don't get too nervous, and don't get discouraged if you get turned down. It happens... and it will happen.

For some people, it only happens. There is never a yes.

[Jester]

That's true, Plaid, but no one in their twenties or so should ever say "never." It's too early in life to say "never."

More to the point, never say never. It is self-defeating, and contributes to the cycle.

[Plaidman]

That's true, Plaid, but no one in their twenties or so should ever say "never." It's too early in life to say "never."

More to the point, never say never. It is self-defeating, and contributes to the cycle.

Tried it. Doesn't work. Few years I'll be in my thirties with one relationship. I'm well aware of my flaws, and they far outwiegh what tiny pro I might have. I know what I am, and that is a insignificint bug that won't deserve any relationship.

[Jester]

Plaid, how shall I put this politely.....oh, I know.

Shut the fuck up.

Seriously. Cork it, dude. You say you are aware of your flaws. Great. Address them. And while you're at it, remember to address one major flaw you have, which is your piss-poor negative attitude. If you believe you are worthless and insignificant and not deserving of anyone's love, you will project that, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In my life, I have had your attitude, and I have had my current attitude, which is one of positivity. And while the positive attitude hasn't always helped me in this department, the negative attitude always hurt me. And trust me when I say I did much better with the former than with the latter.

And I am not special in that regard. That is the way humans work. That is the way we are programmed. We gravitate towards those we want to be with. And most women, at least the ones I have met on all levels, are looking for someone that is positive, that can make them feel special. People who think they are nothing are not adept at making others feel special, as they don't feel special themselves.

So enough already. You want things to change, you have to be the architect of that change. Things are not just going to change for you without any input from you. If that is what you are expecting or hoping for, you are going to be disappointed, and the cycle will continue.

To quote Jigsaw, "The choice is yours."

[Rapscallion]

Not nifty. Not everyone can do it overnight.

Rapscallion

[Jester]

I never said it was an overnight thing. It's not. It is something you must work at. But to work at it, first you have to make a decision to do so. It wasn't overnight for me. It took a long time for me to get where I am mentally and emotionally. But at one point a long time ago, I made the conscious decision to try to approach life differently.

Had I not, I would not be a optimistic and cheerful person that is 39 going on 12. I would be a bitter, jaded, cynical, unpleasant almost-forty-something. Lord knows that with many of the things that have happened to me in my life, that is a path that I could have gone down.

As Robert Frost advised, I chose the other path. And that has made all the difference.

[Plaidman]

I'm infinitly optismitic/positive for everyone. I'm well aware of the strengths of people. Everyone has a strength, or two, or twenty. I just haven't found mine if any is all.

[Jester]

I'm infinitly optismitic/positive for everyone. I'm well aware of the strengths of people. Everyone has a strength, or two, or twenty. I just haven't found mine...YET.

Fixed it for you. :D

[Seshat]

Plaid, here's some of yours that I've noticed:

Compassion. A *big* one.
Intelligence. I don't know what level, but above average.
Willingness to change and grow. That's *rare*.
Willingness to put effort into changing and growing. Also rare.

And those are just strengths that I, a random person on an internet forum, has noticed in you. I don't even know you particularly well on this forum.

Find a good friend - even one on this forum - who you can trust to be brutally honest, and ask them to list more of your strengths, and one or two weaknesses you could choose to work on. Then work to *both* develop the strengths and improve the weaknesses.

Than focus on being proud of your growth.

All of that will help you tremendously.

One last point: if you have clinical depression, one of the symptoms can be a delusion of worthlessness. It feels so very real because it's as real in your mind as anything else - as the chair you sit on, or the colour of your shirt.
It's a delusion. A hallucination that's isn't visual. When it comes up, remind yourself that it's a delusion, remind yourself what your brutally-honest friend thinks is good about you, and try to ride it out. Wait for it to pass.

[Flying Grype]

Mostly because I grew up with all boys, I was one of the boys. So growing up I never really looked at guys different than girls. My friends would always tell me how big of a flirt I was... but really I was just interacting how I would with anyone.

YES. Same here. But I've never seen it as a problem. The only times it's been a problem is when a guy (who I was assuming was being a friendly friend) was flirting with me and I was oblivious. :roll:

The reason it's not a problem is that I have always seen guys as people, just like other girls. In situations where there's mixed company, I was equally comfortable with everyone. Both my previous boyfriend and my current one were guys I met just through having common interests and starting out as friends.

[Food Lady]

Plaid, I don't have to post because Seshat said it all.

[Seshat]

Awww. Thank you.