Do I exist?

[Knightmare]

I promise I will stop this relationship stuff, but I do have some questions to ask.
First the story.
I was talking to the ex a few hours ago, and we talked about where my life was headed. As we went on, she told me that I had given up. "On us, you mean?" I asked.
"No, on life. You're an empty shell. You aren't the person you were. You don't live, you exist. I don't want to spend what little time I have in this world with someone that exists. What happened to you?"
I was speechless. Not because of what she said, but because it dawned on me that she was right. I exist. I do not live.
So now the questions:
How can that happen? Living one day, existing the next?
Now that I know, and actually realize and accept it, how do I go about changing it?
What happened to me that I became this way?
Do I need to see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist?

And if anyone is wondering, I am not suicidal.

Does anyone here have any thoughts? Any answers? Any avenues I can take? Also, remember, I have a daughter, so I cannot move to a monastery or any other secluded environment. :p

[DesignFox]

I'm not sure how it happens, but I found myself existing about twice in my life...I can sort of relate...Here's the short of what happened those two times, and how I lived again...

First, when I was dating my ex. We were together for four years- from high school into the end of college. After awhile, there really wasn't a relationship so much, just this weird co-dependency. I wasn't happy (we both changed a lot in college- I grew up, he didn't)...most of the time I just sort of...existed. I didn't really enjoy anything, or really have any friends of my own. Towards the time the relationship came undone..well basically it happened because I opened up. I accepted who I was becoming and stopped trying to live my high school life. I realized who my friends were and spent more time with them, and while I was on my own (not with him) I found more of myself...and after our breakup...I lived again . Most of my college friends saw it happen- I talked about him a lot less, and started doing more of what I wanted. I finally got up the courage to tell him to take a hike... (not that any of this was AT ALL as easy as the short story sounds; I cried my eyes out- he was my best friend for a lot of years! and it was one of the hardest things I had ever done) But, my life worked out for the better for it, and all my confidence in myself came back.

Second time in my life was when I worked my last job. It sucked the soul out of me. I was constantly obsessing about work. I was stressed to the point that I rarely had fun or rarely thought of anything outside of work. I came home, I did nothing because I was too drained, I felt sick..when I did do stuff it was all half hearted. My boyfriend (who I've been with for almost 3 years now, but had only been with a little over a year then...) noticed how drained and miserable I was. I had lost all of my confidence. He constantly told me to quit and move on with life. Eventually, I got out of that job. Something happened that made me wake up. (I'm like a dog that gets beaten, I'll take it up to an extent, then you'll hit me one too many times and I'll just bite or run away)

I got over my fear of "what will I do for money?" and just QUIT. Now I'm pretty broke...so I have to work extra hard to pay my bills...but...I have my life back. I'm actually happy when I come home. When I do things, I actually enjoy them. I like my job so I don't feel sick to my stomach when I go to work and just go through the motions- even customers comment that they can "see in my eyes" how much I love what I do. Not that I don't come home tired, but I'm not drained- I can DO other things.

It's weird, because you don't SEE it happen...it's like...you just become USED to it. You just go through the motions because you don't know anything else, or you don't feel anything that you used to feel anymore. And the change might start out as a minor irritation- then you get used to it...circumstances slowly get worse...you get used to it, gradually, until one day you just realize how bored or miserable you are. THEN you wake up! and it all gets better. It will get better! You move on.

Your ex made the statement- and something snapped in your head. That's step 1. Now, figure out what it is that makes you unhappy or drains your energy...and just move on! That's all it takes. Go do something fun that makes you happy! Get excited about something new. It may not happen overnight, but things will work themselves out.

I have learned that life leads us all in some pretty weird directions. But, trust yourself. I'm sure there are many good things that are going on- you just have to re-aquaint yourself with them. ;)

I hope that helps you out a bit. Feel better Knightmare!

[thegiraffe]

I agree with what Design Fox said, though I'd change one major thing (well, add to it): when you find what's draining you and making you unappy, you have to replace it with something that makes you feel happy to just....be.

What makes you tick? What makes you smile from ear to ear? What makes you want to get up in the morning, and it's so hard to fall asleep the night before because you're excited about the morning? What fascinates you? What makes you wonder...simply because you can't know enough about it/do enough of it/be around it enough? Finding that one thing (or things) makes your life....livable. Find your passion...your niche. It's such an amazing feeling when you find it.

Sit back and re-evaluate your life. Are you in a period of moratorium (essentially a funk), or is this something that's perpetually becoming a problem? I don't think you need to go see a specialist - you just need to find out who you are again. It's quite an interesting and rewarding experience. Good luck!

And, I've been there (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=5835) . PM me if you have any questions.

[NightAngel]

Life is about experiences.
Life is about having fun and laughing.
Life is about making other people laugh.

Everyday for just a little while I put on my head phones, crank up the volume and dance like an idiot. Just 'cause I can. I also dance where ever music I like is playing... home, work, shopping...

I play with the toys when I'm at the store.

I throw my arms in the air and "WOO-HOO!" when I pull a rare movie out of the drop box someone is looking for.

Just find your own things- don't be afraid to be silly. But mostly just don't be afraid.

[ladodger34]

I'll second pretty much everything that DesignFox said...

I worked for the city for almost 10 years. The majority of the time, I really enjoyed my job. That said, I should have quit sooner than I did. Prior to quitting, the last couple of years that I was there weren't great. I hated my job and it showed in all facets of my life. My work performance suffered and I wasn't happy most of the time. My unhappiness with work spilled into my personal life and blah, blah. Like you, I wasn't suicidal or anything and I wasn't really depressed, but I was sort of just there.

I quit in August '05 and I think my life has improved immensely. I was unemployed for longer than I wanted to be (my parents were saints), but I'm in a much better place now.

[dawntazz]

It's so easy to drift into just existing. I done it for years. Lately I decided I wanted the me that lived life not existed it back.. So I made a few new friends granted we've never met personally, but still a friend is a friend. And they can bring you back to life....

So find a few new friends, someone you don't know even, and see what happens.

YOU MUST LIVE EACH DAY AS THOUGH IT'S YOUR LAST

[stormtreader]

Ive also been through a period of existing, which is why although im 26, i give a 'statistically adjusted' age of 22 - i decided to claim those wasted years back on expenses ;)

You need to look at your life and decide:

What dont you like about your life or yourself?

And then for each thing:
Can you live without it? can you change it? is any loss from stopping it outweighed by the benefit of not having to put up with it any more?

You can either decide to keep it and accept it, or change it. Sometimes its more a case of 'this is the way i am, and im going to stop feeling guilty about it because it achieves nothing. I accept myself this way' than actually going out more/dieting etc that you feel like you really SHOULD be doing.

For me, I became single, moved out and started my diet. Its not always been easy, but it was right, and im at the happiest time of my life right now :)

[protege]

Several people have commented (on LJ, anyway) about how I've changed a bit. Let me tell you, moving out of my parents' house has been freaking awesome. After 30 years of that, I'd had enough. Most of the trouble stemmed from my brother--he'd do or say things to 'bait' my mother...who would then scream or bitch about it. Again, 30 years of listening to her bitch is enough. I love my mother, but after working in a noisy, stressful office every day, I want some peace and quiet!

Because I don't have to deal with that crap anymore, I feel a bit more relaxed. Just the other night, my brother said something stupid, and she lost it. At that point, I was like "well, I have to head home now..." and left :)

[Rahmota]

How to live is all in the little details.

A pleasant sunrise, a beautiful sunset ,someone you care about who cares about you, a smile given, a laugh shared, that one perfect moment of silliness, knowing where your towel is.

Its all in how you look at things and what you do with them.

And yes it is very easy to slip into merely existing.

It is hard to truely live well.

You just have to look at where you are on your life path and decide if thats where you want to be. If not then decide to change, will to change and execute the change.

I've gone on auto pilot a few times in my life but thankfully somethign or someone has help bring me out of it before things got too bad. Just hang in there and don't give up the good fight!

Carpe Diem.

[BlaqueKatt]

YOU MUST LIVE EACH DAY AS THOUGH IT'S YOUR LAST

which of course means no doing laundry...I mean who wants to do laundry their last day on earth!!!!!


BlaqueKatt-who once went six months before she did laundry*(bought new clothes and threw the old ones in a spare closet), yeah at the time I could afford it<sigh>


*Eventually I paid my roomate $100 to do it for me

[Der Cute]

Knighty, I think what's got you at the moment is that you're missing goals.

I feel good when I have a specific set of goals for myself - a list of Self Must Do Before Dec 31 2007...2008...2009.

And while chugging thru the mud towards those goals, I make sure I have at least 5 happies per day.

Things like:
Oooh I saw a rainbow today...
Pretty butterflies
I helped a kid with his math
I'm glad to be myself
Arent those leaves pretty, all the colors?
Neat classic cars....oh VROOOOM VROOOM

I sit waiting for someone to finish up a thingy/task...and instead of tapping my fingers or thinking GD YOU SLOW PERSON HURRY THE FASDASDFDSK UP !!! I think:
oh, I like that lady's shirt. Hmm, maybe I should go for a walk today. Oh those flowers outside were really pretty. this guy's been nice to me, I should tell his boss......mmmm grilled cheese sammichmmmmmmmm

Enjoy moments as they come, while focusing on long term life goals.

Another thing I do is limit self flagellation. One Kick to Self Butt per Screw Up.
No more, no less. I take responsiblity for Fubaring that last Task, ok, *THWACK* to mental self. How to not do it again? Ok, got it.
I see people saying Oh I screwed up...and repeatedly hitting themselves about it. Instead of saying, Ok. I screwed up, I'll not do X again, and Self, slight slap on wrist.

You need focus.
So focus.
Then work on life.
And if you trip, pick self up, and dust off, and keep going.

Get the book
What color is my parachute? from a bookstore. It will help you figure out who you want to be when you grow up. What your mind is wired for, what you like to do, and a cross between those.

Good luck, and if you acknowledge you're stagnant, you just turned the props back on!

Cutenoob