Called the Cops for the First Time

[Greenday]

I know, seems exciting, right?

I have a friend who has a lot of problems. One such problem is her boyfriend. He is always treating her like crap, and she knows it, but she still goes out with him. He seriously has some mental problems he needs to get worked out for his own sake and for other peoples' safety.

She came to me one night in tears because her boyfriend FREAKED out on her because his car broke down in another state. Since she didn't want to have to deal with him anymore that night, she slept in my room since he doesn't know which dorm room is mine. Nothing happened, we are just friends. She had been telling me she is sick of her guy-friends just trying to get in her pants and I'll respect her wishes.

The next night, I went back to her room to give her the stuff she left in my room. She was just relaxing in her underwear in her room when I got there. I was only going to chill there for a few minutes as I was mainly in her dorm to visit someone else. She had been fighting with her boyfriend again that day and she told him that she didn't want to see him or talk to him at all that night. About five minutes into me staying there, a knock sounds from the door. It's her boyfriend. Figures. Since he DOES have these violent mental problems, him finding me there would be very bad, regardless of whether we were doing anything or not. Since it's a dorm room, it's not like there's anywhere to hide. She cracks the door open a lil and talks to him. He leans in to try to kiss her goodbye and that's when he noticed me. Enraged, he slams the door shut then violently beats on the door. She's scared, I was seriously scared for my life for the first time, and even people in the hall stepped out of their rooms to tell him to stop. My friend gave me the phone number for the campus police and I gave them a call. Finally, they get here right after he left. They ask us for the story, then leave to find him. Since apparently he's had multiple problems with the cops, they know who he is and find him easily and tell him if he shows up at her dorm again, he'll be arrested. Lovely.

Problem is, he lives on the 6th floor of the dorm I live in. He knows I live in the same dorm as him. He knows I'm on the 7th floor, but as far as I know, doesn't know which room is mine. I took my name off the door just to make it that much harder. I was talking to the desk assistant who is friendly with them and she was telling me he was saying how he should find me and beat me up. She was saying how my friend and I are JUST friends and nothing was happening between us. Then, all of a sudden, she looks over my shoulder and says to me, "Get out of here, fast." Too late, he sees me. I calmly walk straight past him and summon an elevator. He comes up behind me and tries to intimidate me by loudly cracking his knuckles. Without turning towards him, I just crack my neck and knuckles at the same time, proving cracking stuff isn't a big deal. He just walks away to talk to the DA and I get on the elevator and go chill with a friend until my final.

I have no idea where to go from here. I haven't seen my friend online at night or this morning. I'd like to ask her what's going on and to see if there is any way he will just drop this. As my mom pointed out, there is something wrong with both of them, and hanging out with her is probably just going to cause me more problems. I took my name off my door. I have the local cops number on my phonebook on my cell. If we did fight, I don't know what would happen. Maybe he'd win, maybe I'd be able to knock him down long enough to get away. I'm not even worried so much about getting my ass kicked now as I am just preferring not to fight at all. I'm gentle by nature and I'd prefer to avoid having to fight if I can but if it comes down to it, I'll put what foot to ass I can.

Uh, so, yea, I'm open to pretty much all suggestions on this one.

[Melxb]

Well, here's my advice--stay away from both of them. Really. I know this girl is your friend, and is in an abusive relationship that you wish she wasn't in, but there isn't anything you can do to help it.

At this point, it looks like there's nothing you can do to help her. If you come to her aid it'll only trigger something in this guy that can get both of you hurt. I really do think you need to tell her that until this guy is out of her life you can't really be in hers. It's an odd situation, because you all live in the same dorm and dorm life is difficult enough as it is, but that's the only solution.

I can't stress enough that I really do think this is an abusive relationship. Signs of jelousy are normal enough (I mean, who wants to see another guy in their girlfriends' dorm room when she's only wearing her underwear???), but if she's actually scared of him then she's seeing something everyone else isn't. Until she gets away from him, physically, she may never be able to get rid of him. That's the sad truth of domestic violence. And young girls are so susceptible to these guys because they just don't know any better. Plus, he has a history of violence with the local police and campus security. There are so many signs in just your few short paragraphs that indicate more than verbal abuse, and perhaps even physical abuse, if it hasn't already reached that point.

Please, just stay away from both of them.

[Greenday]

She's switching colleges after this year. I think that's great from her. The home situation for her isn't that great either and she'll be able to get away from that and her boyfriend.

[thegiraffe]

MelXB, he needs to NOT just leave her alone. We've had discussions on here before about what to do when your friend is in an abusive relationship.

Greenday - You're at a state university, I presume? Most of them have victim's advocacy services, mental health counseling, and campus police. All for free. Tell her to talk to her RA. Are the exterior doors to the dorm buildings locked/key card access only? I'd be more concerned about her than you to be honest. She needs to document EVERY act of aggression he shows towards her with the police. Create a paper trail that will follow him wherever he goes.

Victim's advocacy deals with this professionally. The one at my (old!) university was excellent. Talk to the RA. Offer to go with her. He can get expelled from the university for intimidation and everything. Just - do your best to get him kicked out. Have her move rooms and not tell anyone, change her phone number. Universities are typically very helpful with abusive relationships, since there are a wealth of them there. Does she have a facebook that lists her room number or building or phone number, screenname, anything? Have her take it off. No room number, building, anything.

She needs to understand that this is HER safety, HER life. Yeah, it's gonna suck to leave him, but it's going to suck a whole lot more to stay with him. Stick with her. Statistics show that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving an abusive relationship. The fact of the matter is that you're intimately intertwined here whether you like it or not, and there's not a whole lot you can do to change that. You may as well make that a positive thing, or at least as positive as you can.

Keep us updated and good luck - you're going to need it.


ALSO: If she goes home...does he know where she lives? Staying at the university may be the safest bet right now - especially if her home life is less than desirable. The last thing she needs is to be in a house by herself where he knows where to find her. At least on a university campus, the cops will be there within like 2 minutes (or 30 seconds, which was my experience).

Here's the thing though: SHE needs to make the reports against him. Feel free to file your own reports for assault (it's battery if he touches you) and harrassment. You create a paper trail too. Scum like this is why every 10 seconds, a woman dies at the hands of her male romantic partner. Help her while you can.

[Greenday]

I'm going to talk to her and lay it all out for her. None of this will work without her cooperation. I mean, switching colleges will work, but she shouldn't have to move because of this crap. She doesn't have a cell phone, so he can't call her, but she can't call for help. She doesn't use facebook so that makes it somewhat harder to find her.

This is the dorm situation. Her boyfriend and I live in the same dorm. She lives in a different dorm. To open the doors, your card has to contain the specific code for that building. But if you just chill outside the doors, eventually someone comes in or out and you can get in. From 8pm-3:45AM, there is a security officer in the main lobby and that's the only entrance and exit that can be used or you set off the alarms. You have to show the security officer your ID and each dorm has a different sticker. If you aren't from the dorm, you have to have someone else sign you in that is from that dorm. So basically, during the day, there are plenty of ways to get in.

I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to even have to hurt anyone. But if something happens to her without me even trying to help her, I couldn't live with myself.

[protege]

Ugh. Situations like that suck. Been there, done that.

My then-gf had to deal with that crap in college. She was with a guy who was an abusive asshole. I mean, he saw her talking to me after class, and *flipped* He'd hit her one too many times, and she dumped his ass.

That wasn't the end though--he'd follow her to class...and then wait outside the building for her. He'd usually sit across the street on the library patio so he could look in her classroom and watch her. Occasionally, he'd scream at the class. After several weeks of this, she called the cops (both the college rent-a-cops, and the town police) who promptly banned him from the campus. If he'd even step an inch across the town/college border, he'd get arrested.

Didn't stop him from showing up at her house, or calling her. Nor did it stop him from tailing her. She took out a PFA (protection from abuse order) which proved to be worthless. He knew that as long as he didn't do anything, the cops couldn't charge him--it was just her word against his. So he continued to follow her around.

Things got worse when we started dating. He'd tail us to different hangouts, restaurants, etc. just to see her stress out. It got so bad, we started going into the next town over just so we could be alone.

It all came to a head senior year--he showed up at a party in her mother's house...and her mother, who didn't know what was going on, let him in :eek:

At least he didn't start anything, but she was seriously upset. I got him good though--as we were cleaning up the kitchen, the asshole was standing in the doorway. I said something along the lines of "if I catch him hurting you, or I find out that he *has* hurt you, I'll kill him!" With those last 3 words, I took the knife I was holding, and stuck it into the counter.

Let me tell you, I never saw a piece of shit move that fast. He literally took the front door off its hinges! I'm sure he shit his pants--we had no more trouble after that. Of course he got arrested for statutory rape not long after that--he'd gotten a 13-year-old pregnant, and her parents were pressing charges...

What I'm trying to say is, people like that do not stop their behavior...unless someone stops it for them. Ignoring them usually doesn't work--all that does is make them more bold. However, if you take their "control" away...by taking out an abuse order...at least the cops are aware of the problem, and will be more likely to do something about it.

Greenday, I know what you mean. I don't like having to confront people either. Nor did I want something to happen to someone I cared about. If that happened, I'm not sure what I'd have done.

[digilight]

Document, document, document. And the wittnesses. You allready have a witness with the dorm monitor who has heard him say that "he should kick your ass". Do you have some friends that you could hang out with while you are out and about, not saying "get the boys together and go tumble" or anything like that. Just remember, if you are worried about this pud monkey then there is always safety in numbers. But definantly listen to giraffe, don't let her deal with this on her own. She needs your help now to escape the cycle. Bad home life, bad love life (asshole BF), bad choices (a woman relaxing in her underware around a single man) I don't mean to badmouth her so please don't think that I am, but thats not the smartest choice that a single woman could do.

And if it comes down to actually having to fight this guy, a couple of things to remember, let him attempt to strick first (then you have the self defense claim). Do not use any type of weapon (no roll of quarters, keys, stick, etc) Instant jail. Then use just enough force to disable him/ get him down. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT continue to hit him/pummel him etc once he is down. If you have to kick him in the balls once to get his ass on the ground then stop at that, don't give him opportunity to hurt you badly, but don't give him any legal opportunity either, play it safe and smart, and get the f**k out of their if at all possible. But use the fact that he has allready made a threat against you if you need to.

[Greenday]

I talked to her the other night. I basically told her what's up. I told her my feelings on the issue and how she needs to get out of the abusive relationship. She got pissy with me and told me there's nothing to worry about, he's going to change. I told her how that's what everyone says and it just keeps getting worse. She knows it's an abusive relationship but she wants to deal with it. Basically, she just refuses to do anything about it despite the fact that she knows it's a horrible relationship. So basically there is nothing I can do to help her. I mean, I'll be there if she needs me, but if it's just going to cause more trouble, what good is it going to do? I feel like I'm out of options. She claims that he won't actually try to hurt me but I still have my doubts. She asked me why I wouldn't trust her. I told her that I trust her, it's her boyfriend I don't trust. He never listens to her, he treats her like a piece of crap, and she does nothing about it. Who gives a crap if he was there when no one else was? That doesn't give him any right to abuse her! There is no excuse for abuse.

[MadMike]

She got pissy with me and told me there's nothing to worry about, he's going to change.

I don't know which is worse -- that they all say that, or that the poor sap they're with always believes it.

I was in your situation once, also back in my college days. I had a really close female friend who was dating this guy who had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He was always hurting her in some way, either emotionally or physically. It used to frustrate me to no end to see her cry over him, swear up and down she was done with him, and then go back to him in the end, especially when I would never do anything like that, and yet I had no one. I got into more than one argument with her, and I think I even flat-out said that she was "stupid" for going back to him.

Apparently he had no idea how much I hated him, or maybe he just wanted to get on my good side so I wouldn't be a threat to his fucked-up relationship with her. But for people like him, I have no good side. I told him off once at a party -- or so I've been told. I was so drunk that night, I don't remember. I just remember he confronted me, asking why I wouldn't talk to him, and didn't I like him? I started to say something, and then things started to fade. Next thing I remember, he threatened to "fuck me up", and then walked away quickly. Guys like him who beat up on women will rarely, if ever, tangle with another guy, even if the other guy is only half his size, as it was in my case.

She was pissed at me, but her brother, who was one of my roommates was loving it. He didn't like the guy anymore than I did, and we had an interesting conversation about him once. Went something like:

Him: I don't know what she sees in him. He's not nice to her, he's not good-looking at all, and he doesn't have money. I could maybe see it if he had money. All I can say is, he must have a really big dick.

Me (Without missing a beat): He does, but it's on top of his neck.

Eventually, she did leave him and stayed away from him, even when he kept trying to call her and convince her to come back to him. She also thanked me for being there for her through it all, and told me I was right about him all along. But looking back now, I probably shouldn't have been as hard on her as I had been.

My point is, you're not going to be able to convince her. It's something that she's going to have to come to terms with on her own. Be there for her when she needs you, but don't bug her to get out of the relationship. It will only get her pissed at you, and make her less likely to leave him.

[Der Cute]

OK.

I agree with all the posters here. Because I've been on both ends of it.

I've been the female in the abusive stupid relationship, and I've been a witness/outsider to other couples with abusive relationships.

I had to be hit between the eyes, literally, to realize that J was not a person for me or my life, and to STAY ALIVE I had to haul ass out of there. (previously it was emotional abuse).

Put a restraining order on J, pressed charges, his ass in the can, yada yada...As a SECOND OFFENSE it was 365 jail, 365 SUSPENDED.
And I had to restart my life and figure wtf I was doing with myself.

Or...I've seen control freaks exert their power over other people, where the reciever is hoping and praying the control freak will grow up/ change/ fix it...and they keep fiddling with it until they are both so deep they dont know how to get out. Or have the courage/ confidence to do so.


Note in both of these...the victim has to pull themself out by their own means. Confidence and courage, ability to accept changes, faith in self and other people are needed.

As an outsider, you are prone to threats, violence, moodswings and really stupid drama happening in SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.

What can you as an OUTSIDER do? Document any threats towards yourself, family, you. Stay away from the victim, don't contact unless she contacts you...and if the conversation goes towards "He's such an assssshooooooollllllllee" steer it back towards.."Pretty clouds, eh?"..while handing a pamphlet for abuse hotlines. You cant teach confidence here, the abuser will pick up that "Hmm....She's a bit above normal level today, let's whack that mole". Repeatedly.

All you can do is watch, and contact the AUTHORITIES when the violence starts or you're threatened. Sometimes an authoritiy figure will help the victim realize what kind of mess they're all in.

Good luck, hon. We can send good thoughts and hope they stick.

Cutenoob