27 year old guy who is afraid to drive?

[Despina83]

A bit of background on this guy (and me): http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=60320

So this guy that I haven't started dating yet (although pretty close)..I found out today why he doesn't have a license. He never took the road test because he was too nervous. That's why his family has to drive him to work and stuff. That's why he can't see me whenever he wants, because he relies on others for transportation. I'm glad I got to the bottom of this. I always assumed that he just never bought his own car, I didn't know he never got his license. And I never asked because he seemed uncomfortable on the subject before.

This sure is a strange situation. I mean, I myself have so many anxiety issues...I was terrified to get my license, but I did it back in the day. I was a couple years late. But this guy...he's a decade late. I gave him encouragement, told him it's a piece of cake and that if I passed (even with all the mistakes I made), then he surely can. He seemed really uplifted by this, and more determined. I don't want to be a nag on the issue, but I wanted him to know that hey, this is something you need in order to have a life.

I just hope my encouragement will be enough to get him to do this. He shouldn't be spending money on PS3s and HDTVs when he needs to be taking this test and buying a CAR. He's already taken a step recently to better himself by getting a better job. But I hope he realizes that this is just as important a step that needs to be made. It just seems strange for me, Miss Nervous Wreck, to be encouraging a guy to do something he's afraid of.

[Evil Queen]

Why does he have to have a car? As long as he does things like pay other for their time, I don't see the harm in it.

Your life doesn't circle around owning a car. My friend Seamus has never owned a car, doesn't drive and is very happy without one. He's also 27. My friend Jacket is 26 and has never driven a car either. They all have ID Cards instead of licenses. Jacket lives near me and works next door to where I work so we sometimes carpool on bad weather days; he "pays me" by buying me lunch (midnight snack since we get off work at 11pm) at a local diner.

I know a lot of people who don't drive. Several Posters here on this vary forum that don't drive either. It's getting to be more common.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

My last boyfriend didnt' have a car and wouldn't buy a car. He could drive, he just was too frigging terrified of having to deal buying one he wouldnt' do it.

He was evidently not too terrified of being a complete pain in the ass about getting rides from people, though.

I woudln't sign up again for that nonsense for love nor money.

Your guy needs to deal with his phobia. This is not like being afraid of snakes or roaches. This is something that will affect the way he lives, and the way you live.

His refusal to deal with it ought to raise a red flag.

[Jack]

I agree. Owning an unnecessarily large and expensive vehicle should not measure a person's worth, maturity, or success in life. I do also agree that you must have some kind of problem if you can't pass the driving test, and I imagine he could do it. In any case, I haven't taken the test and I probably won't for quite some time, as I work from home and can get around the city on bicycle quite well enough. If it becomes necessary, I may get a motorcycle license and a small bike (I already know how to ride - if I haven't forgotten).

[MaggieTheCat]

I can see both sides of this issue. I don't think it's 100% necessary to have a car and have to drive...but it also depends on where you live. A city where public transport and taxis are readily available? No problem. A burb out in the sticks? Okay, that's much more of a problem.

I was pretty scared to get my license at first too. I don't think I got mine till I was 17 and I didn't start driving much on my own till I was 18 or 19. After that I loved it...as long as I was in a small town or an area I was familiar with. I'm still scared of driving in the city (we live in a big city in Texas now, as opposed to a tiny town in Wisconsin.) I never learned how to drive in a city with 10 lane highways and all that. The first time I tried it down here, I got in a (minor) accident, so that's made me even more gunshy. I'm not worried about it for the moment. I don't have a job I need to go to every day (I work from home) and my husband does have a car and is comfortable driving in the city since he's lived here for 5 years. I should probably practice sometime, but it does make me pretty nervous.

[AdminAssistant]

There are areas where owning and driving a car is pretty much mandatory, and everyone should really get their license, just in case.

[Magpie]

Unfortunately, your background doesn't say where you live. Going by the numbers, I'm going to assume that you live in an urban centre, in which case this isn't an issue. Cars aren't really necessary unless you're doing really heavy shopping, which is rare, or going out of town. I almost never left transit service area until I moved to my current small city (only 500 000 in the tri-cities).

Him not having a car, per se, isn't a problem. Him being unable to get to work without getting a ride from his family is. If it's by necessity rather than because they want to drive him, then something needs to change. Maybe he needs to buy a bus pass, maybe he needs to get his licence. However, my mother has this impression that taking the bus is a huge inconvenience, and that driving is somehow a better option (I've known her to drive downtown it's that ingrained), so if I'm at my parents' place she'll drive me, it could just be a situation like that.

[Despina83]

We don't live in the city, we live in a pretty rural area. I'm not going to write the guy off because of this, but the fact is that he needs his younger brother to drive him wherever he wants to go. That could make dating a little difficult...

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Time to man up and figure out why the phobia. Thirty year old man afraid to drive needs to address this.

Even if he decides he doesn't need to drive, he still needs to make the effort.

Maybe I have a bad taste in my mouth over it due to past experiences. But a grown adult man needs to be able to do certain things, and one of them is drive a car.

[Plaidman]

bite me. I don't drive. I know the second I'm behind the wheel, I'll lose focus, and someone will die. I can't have that blood on my hands. I refuse to drive because I don't want to kill someone that doesn't deserve it, which would happen when I'm behind the wheel.

[Cat]

I hate driving with a passion.....I put off getting my license until I was 21...most due to a fear of driving (yet also because most of my friends were younger and I didn't want to cart their asses all over*

Though I do live in the"stick," and we have no public transport, I had to get a license/car.

I feel for to the guy who doesn't want/fears to get his license....driving sucks, but in some places, its a necessity. One of the many thinkgs I love about my bf is he loves to drive :)



*I had a friend you was younger than me, and when I turned 16, she called me selfish for not getting my license because she might need a ride at some point. whatev.

[Becks]

I'm almost 31, I don't have my own car, and I avoid driving.

Yes, I drove in NJ (got my license there, too, when I was well into my 20s), but I never really liked it.

Here, I have the man of the household or my sister drive me around. They don't mind.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

I too am scared of driving. Back when I was 16 my grandma tired to teach me. Unfortunately she freaked out, which caused me to freak out and almost crashed into a brick mailbox. And then afterwards had really bad nightmares.

I didn't have the courage to learn again until I was 22. I was somewhat rushed into it but nevertheless got my license. But then I moved to VA (which was where I found you guys!:) ) And again got scared to drive in a place where the streets were different and drivers ALOT more reckless.

I did try to drive again (when visiting home )but it almost resulted in a car accident. Soooo yea I'm a little hesitant to drive again. I'm with Plaidman I don't want to have unnecessary blood on my hands.

[Becks]

Time to trot this timeless classc out again-- "Americans will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic or a dope fiend, but if a man doesn't drive, they think there must be something wrong with him." -- ART BUCHWALD

[Magpie]

I would say that unless he's looking into making lifestyle changes that allow him to continue not driving this is a problem. Avoiding driving is fine - one of the engineers in a small town walked to work despite the prevailing car culture (since it was a small town). If you live in a city, not driving/not being able to drive is fine - things are close enough, you can walk bike and bus for most things, and there's inter-city buses and trains for everything else. However, living in the country and not being able to drive is, at the least, poor planning.

[patiokitty]

I didn't get my license until I was 26, largely due to be scared spitless of being in control of a vehicle. But then the boyfriend I had at the time and I were looking at buying a house...and the places he was looking at were away from the town in which I worked. There wasn't any bus service (other than a Greyhound) between the two cities so if I wanted to keep my job I had no choice but get my license.

I had enough warning before the move to be able to get lessons and I took my test a week before we were due to move. Thankfully I passed because I don't know what I would have done otherwise. But when I wasn't working having a vehicle wasn't a huge concern of mind.

Now, I don't have a car and I don't particularily want one either. It's not my driving that scares me - it's everybody else on the road! So many people have developed seriously bad driving habits that I'm scared to be on the road with them.

Before I finally broke down and got my license I was scared to be behind the wheel of a vehicle. I wasn't even comfortable sitting on the driver's side in the backseat of a car or even on the same side as the driver while on a bus. I have no idea why - it was just one of those things. I was the only one of my friends that didn't get their license while still in high school and I didn't miss it - I could always take a bus. And when I lived off the bus routes I would ride my bike and plan my trips accordingly. Or I'd walk to the nearest bus stop if it was feasible, getting ready with more than enough time to get to where I had to. I didn't depend on people driving me anywhere and I would often arrange to meet my friends somewhere convenient to all of us.

[Cookie]

There are two very valid camps of reasoning here and I think what this boils down to is the situation and his attitude.

I am about to move from a city that has crap public transportation where we're used to taking the car everywhere to a city that has such good transportation that we're donating the car to charity when we leave, but plan on keeping our licenses up to date so we can rent cars to visit people several states away. This being the case, I'm rather seeing both sides here. I have friends in Europe who don't understand why it's so important to us that we drive because they're used to trains and busses for everything. They have systems that put US transporation to absolute shame.

From the sounds of the story in the OP, there doesn't seem to be good public transportation and therefore he is relying on family members to take him everywhere. This is damaging to his sense of independence. Everybody needs to know that they can survive it out there on their own. If he's dependant on others to make it to work, that's not a sense that he can develop. This being the case (at least I am inferring that it is from what was said) it would be a very good idea for him to get his license and maybe while he saves up for a car family members could let him borrow theirs for work purposes? It might be less of an inconvenience on them than driving him themselves anyway. Then he could graduate to a car of his own, and probably not a pretty or fancy one to begin with, but a gets-you-from-point-A-to-point-B-car. Of course, it would be different if he could just buy a monthly or annual train and bus pass for your city to get around. Either way, he would be taking responsibility for his own transportation and that is the real issue.

The other thing I mention is his attitude. I'm sure he has many great qualities or you wouldn't even be considering dating him, so just know that I'm not trying to say anything bad about him. ;) There are just some pitfalls in the situation that are easy to fall into because we are humans, after all. Because his family is carting him around, can you detect even the slightest bit of an entitlement attitude about it? Like, "they shouldn't have planned to do such and such because I wanted to do this and I needed a ride"? It would probably be much more subtle than that, but you get the idea. The dishwasher where I work is an extreme case of this. His family drives him everywhere, too, and he is in his mid-twenties. He says he doesn't have money to drive anyway, but spends what he has on beer, gaming, and his giant HDTV. He never got his license, but circumstances kept him from getting it early on and now that he could, he lost his motivation. Every day he borrows my cell phone to call a family member for a ride when he's done. He gets irritated if they've gone and done something else expecting him to be off work later, cusses at them over the phone over it and orders them to get there as quick as they can.

As I said, that was an absolute extreme case, but I use it to illustrate an attitude issue that you would want to watch for with somebody dependant for transportation.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, my old boyfriend wasn't that bad, but he was bad enough for me to get pretty mad at him about it. And he was headed in that direction. (no, that's not why we broke up, but it was a SYMPTOM of why we broke up.)

I know I'm probably gonna catch flack from this, but it looks to me like a huge portion of people here who don't drive do so out of basic lack of confidence.

Before I learned to drive, I had been in a pretty bad car accident. And I was afraid to learn. The first time I went out with a driving instructor, I did so shaking and drenched in sweat.

I'm not afraid of driving anymore.

It's a Catch-22, here, folks. You are afraid to drive because you have no confidence. You have no confidence because you don't drive. You feel like you would be unsafe piloting a vehicle, and you cultivate that belief.

Don't get gradma or Dad or whoever to teach you. Hire an instructor and learn. You don't have to drive, you can take the bus for the rest of your life. But you should at least learn how.

[AdminAssistant]

I was scared to death when I learned how to drive, when I was twelve. Dad drove out to the middle of the country and said, "Okay, get us home." There wasn't another option given.

[Jack]

Just to establish myself as a devil's advocate, I can and have operated cars up to pickup trucks, and motorcycles, safely, without a license -- the motorcycle on long highway trips. This is, of course, illegal and inadvisable, and I don't do it anymore, but the point is that I *can* and that apprehension has nothing to do with me not getting a driver's license. More like money.

I know no one is arguing against me here, just wanted to put out the alternate point. ;)

[RecoveringKinkoid]

If the public transportation system here worked as well as it does in, say, Rome, Italy, I would probably not maintain a vehicle. I'd rent one if I felt I needed one. However, I WOULD maintain my driver's licence.

[draftermatt]

If the public transportation system here worked as well as it does in, say, Rome, Italy, I would probably not maintain a vehicle. I'd rent one if I felt I needed one. However, I WOULD maintain my driver's licence.

I have to agree. Public transportation in Baltimore and DC is good, but if you live outside those areas? Hah!

There's a train station that will take you to Baltimore, it's 15 miles from my house. There have been plans to have a bus going from my county to that train station, but my county has rejected it for years.

So I have to have someway of getting to the train station. Then by the time I get there, wait for the train, take it into the city, and walk to wherever I'm going (or wait for a bus, take the bus, etc) It'd been 30-60 minutes faster had I drove.

[Megg]

I, too, was afraid to drive. In the course of my young life, I was involved as a passenger in more accidents than I can even count. Most of them were of the fender-bender variety, but at least one required a trip to the hospital for me (not in the ambulance, though darn it - my mom drove me) for a concussion, and one resulted in the death of a woman who was under the influence of drugs. She was also under my school bus, where she drove her car. Devastating to see how one small slip could end someone, so I never got my license for years.

When I was 26, we moved to Idaho. I walked to work for the first months, no biggie, just as I always had. Then, it became October. In Idaho. I decided trudging through 3 feet of snow in a month was not my idea of fun, and I went and got my license. It took a pretty big motivator for me, but here's some good news: it sounds to me like your honey is pretty well motivated too. He will probably go ahead and get it, though it may not be as quickly as you would like.

I really don't want to sound mean or harsh or anything, but it sounds to me like you want him to get a license more out of convenience for you. You mention how difficult it is to see each other or date, so I have to ask: do you have your license, and a car? If so, why is it a big deal? I know driving all the time sucks (when I got my license, you may as well have tattooed "taxi" on my forehead) but if it is really that big a deal to him, a little compromise might be in order.

Good luck!

[Jester]

I have been driving since I learned to drive....hell, embarrassingly, since before then (see below). I didn't get my first car till I was 20, but I had my license pretty much as soon as I could, and was a primary driver when my family moved across the country...a week after I got said license. I have been driving ever since, through four vehicles, for over two decades, and countless road trips of all lengths and durations.

And I, Mr. Road Trip, am going to defend the guy in the OP. It doesn't sound like he is being lazy, irresponsible, or uncaring about the whole thing. It sound like he is scared shitless. And when you step back from things and look at it objectively, it is understandable. After all, think about what driving IS: controlling a several thousand pound rolling pile of steel, glass, and plastic, at high speeds, while trying to avoid hundreds of other several thousand pound rolling piles of steel, glass, and plastic. To someone from outside our culture, not used to cars, roller coasters would seem safe and tame by comparison.

I have been fortunate in my driving life....I have never been in a serious accident, as a driver OR a passenger. Just some minor scrapes and close calls. And even those scared the bejeezus out of me. Hell, I actually know what it feels like to be moving forward at 80 miles an hour through the desert while the back of the car is bouncing up and down due to a blown out tire. And then to pull over, somehow not wrecking, and discover that the tire that blew out did so so badly that the tread whipped around the back of the vehicle and severely damaged the other rear tire! We limped 15 miles on a donut, on the highway shoulder, until the nearest (and vastly overpriced) service station that could replace both my rear tires. While the car was being worked on, the three of us that had been through that went across the street to a bar there to have a drink. Not because we wanted one, mind you. Because we needed one.

And that was lucky. I had a friend several years ago die when her car literally got run over by a mail truck at speed one early morning. My 19 year old niece has been in several accidents, not all of them her fault. I have an old friend from high school who is actually an inch shorter than she used to be because of a car accident that crunched her spine. She still takes pain meds to this day from that one, and that happened close to 20 years ago. I know a girl who was in an accident that severed one of her arms, which they were able to reattach. While beautiful, she still has a nasty scar at the point of surgery. And she was lucky. The driver of the motorcycle she was on was killed instantly that day.

So yeah. This confident, experienced motorist, who enjoys driving, can certainly understand why someone might be a bit, how shall we say, terrified of actually becoming a driver. Frankly, I'm rather shocked more of us aren't.

I can and have operated cars up to pickup trucks, and motorcycles, safely, without a license... This is, of course, illegal and inadvisable...

I have done this as well, both before I was of age to get a license, joyriding in my mom's car without her knowledge late at night, and then later, as an adult, with a suspended license. It is certainly possible to drive without a license. It is also possible to walk naked in a blizzard. Neither is highly advisable, and one is very, very illegal, and can and probably will get you in all sorts of trouble. The arrestable kind of trouble. Trust me when I say I speak from experience.

[Lindsey]

I don't drive either and I'm 18, but I recognize that I can't keep doing this for long. I live in a small town and it's impractical to be without a car! I'm waiting to see if school will let me relocate to New York City this year (they have the best public transportation system in the country), in which case not driving won't be an issue, but if it doesn't work out, I'll have to spend this summer getting my license.

I didn't get my license when I was 16 because I crashed my mom's car into my dad's car that year and was too scared to try driving again -- it's pretty bad when you wreck BOTH the family cars at once! But I have to deal with it, because it's inconsiderate to rely on other people for a ride all the time.

Keep supporting him whenever he brings up driving and maybe your boyfriend will see that. He's old enough that he should be independent; and if he can't drive, he should relocate somewhere that allows him to get places without needing his mom or his sister to help him.

And I, Mr. Road Trip, am going to defend the guy in the OP. It doesn't sound like he is being lazy, irresponsible, or uncaring about the whole thing. It sound like he is scared shitless. And when you step back from things and look at it objectively, it is understandable. After all, think about what driving IS: controlling a several thousand pound rolling pile of steel, glass, and plastic, at high speeds, while trying to avoid hundreds of other several thousand pound rolling piles of steel, glass, and plastic. To someone from outside our culture, not used to cars, roller coasters would seem safe and tame by comparison.

I can see that point too Jester, wrecking a car is the reason I still haven't learned how to drive. I don't want to get into an accident again. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so necessary to drive. Public transportation is the stuff dreams are made of, and in the United States, we've barely got any to speak of!

[Pairou]

I used to drive, even had a car before we gave it to my younger sister for college (I went overseas). But even then, my driving phobia was pretty bad- I forced myself to go through with it and even went to therapy once a week for the sole purpose of trying to get rid of my phobia.

Now I'm back in the US and terrified to drive. Soon I'll be going to art school in a place where it's advisable NOT to own a car (limited parking and great transportation). But I know I'll have to suck it up and drive a little before then anyway. I just wish my mom's car (lexus) wasn't so intimidating!

[Seshat]

So this guy that I haven't started dating yet (although pretty close)..I found out today why he doesn't have a license. He never took the road test because he was too nervous.

Don't get gradma or Dad or whoever to teach you. Hire an instructor and learn. You don't have to drive, you can take the bus for the rest of your life. But you should at least learn how.

My father was a driving instructor. From the middle of his career on he made a specialty of the disabled, and the nervous.

Most larger areas will have several instructors who specialise in the nervous. One cheeky - but helpful - way to find out who's really good is to talk to instructors, and ask them to say who, other than themself, they'd recommend. :)
Even smaller areas will have instructors who are particularly good with nervous students.

The other important thing about a professional instructor: they can drive from the passenger's side of the car. Where I am, a professional instructor's car must have pedals on the passenger's side as well as the driver's side.

Given such pedals, both my father and brother can grab the controls and prevent an accident, even if the student is panicking.
This is HUGELY reassuring to nervous students!



And now I am going to back Jester up.

Driving is the process of manouvering a deadly weapon around. NEVER forget that. You are in charge of a death trap when you drive. It's stupid NOT to be nervous!

Learning to be a responsible controller of such a tool is only smart. Getting professional help for that is very, very smart. So long as he learns to tone the nervousness down to 'reasonable caution', I'd rate the guy as 'smart' in being nervous.

Three major skills to be developed: vehicle handling, road courtesy, predictable driving. ('predictable driving' can be lumped in with 'road courtesy', and often is.)




And now I'm going to give a damn good reason for NOT driving.

I can no longer do vehicle handling or predictable driving, properly. My reflexes aren't what they were, my peripheral vision has become poor, and I can no longer make the rapid judgements that driving requires.

Yes, many people with poorer vehicle handling and predictable driving continue to drive. Yes, I think they shouldn't.

But my life, my decision. I won't have the blood on my hands. I am no longer capable of controlling a car to a level I deem sufficient. So I no longer drive.

I know this isn't always the case for people who don't drive: but I'm sure it is for some. That it's a reasoned, sensible decision.

[Andara Bledin]

Time to trot this timeless classc out again-- "Americans will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic or a dope fiend, but if a man doesn't drive, they think there must be something wrong with him." -- ART BUCHWALD
This confident, experienced motorist, who enjoys driving, can certainly understand why someone might be a bit, how shall we say, terrified of actually becoming a driver. Frankly, I'm rather shocked more of us aren't.
Driving is the process of manouvering a deadly weapon around. NEVER forget that. You are in charge of a death trap when you drive. It's stupid NOT to be nervous!
Cars are dangerous. Really dangerous. I remember a program that was on TV about 20 years ago that suggested that if the idea of the automobile were suggested in our current culture, they'd never be approved for a multitude of risk factors.

And yet, most people take these multi-ton rolling metal boxes out without proper regard for their potential to cause mayhem.

It's really disheartening that when presented with an adult who does not possess or desire to possess a license, so many people react with scorn and derision.

^-.-^

[tropicsgoddess]

I can understand where that guy was coming from. I was afraid to drive because of the fact that I knew people that died in accidents and that I was in a few as a passenger and as a pedestrian . Last year I got my learner's permit, then my car and finally my full license. It took some time, but by God I got there. It may take a while, but back away from that subject with him until he's ready to start. It's not easy, but give him time and space for him to know when he's ready to get over that hurdle called "fear" to get his license.

[telecom_goddess]

I am 45 now and have never had a license (other than a moped one briefly) or owned a car. I am the type that would much rather buy the ps3's and hdtv's than a car, I get way more use out of them :D.

I don't drive cause I"m scared to...I know I would suck at it. And other people scare me. And yeah it would be nice to not be looked down on because I don't have a license.

[Flying Grype]

I'm 32 and I don't drive yet. I never had to in any of the places I lived. Now I live with my fiance and he owns a car, and I'm seeing that it would be very useful if I could drive it occasionally.

I was anxious about it at first but riding a bike in the city with traffic (and obeying traffic laws, thank you very much) has increased my confidence in my ability to focus on everything. I'm going to take the test this spring.

For what it's worth, the unqualified statement that a grown man should be able to drive a car is sickeningly ableist. There are lots of physical disabilities and mental illnesses that can make driving impossible without making you 'less of a man'. :rolleyes: Being afraid to drive for that long is more likely an anxiety disorder or something with a psychological basis that he needs to sort out. It's not 'cowardice' and it's not something that will be fixed by his 'manning up'. If he were to do that he'd likely end up being a dangerous driver.

Canadians should be watching Canada's Worst Driver on Discovery... every year they have at least one driver who has serious anxiety issues and who should no way in hell be behind the wheel of a car. But they got their licenses one way or another even though they can't focus enough to control the machine safely.

[Jester]

For what it's worth, the unqualified statement that a grown man should be able to drive a car is sickeningly ableist. There are lots of physical disabilities and mental illnesses that can make driving impossible without making you 'less of a man'.

I'd got a step further and say that even a grown man who has no physical disabilities or mental illnesses may well be afraid to drive, and with good reason. See my comments above. Maneuvering a death trap at speed around other death traps is something we all should probably be more afraid of.

[shankyknitter]

I see no reason to own a car, and its not just because I'm a broke hippy college student. A few of the arguments I have heard:

1. I need it to get to work (I don't even have my license and I've never had a problem getting to work. Bus, walk, ride a bike, enough people do drive that carpooling is often an option too)

2. you need a car to be an adult (since when? Cars are relatively new in the grand scheme of things, I'd like to see you go back and tell Ceaser that he wasn't an adult because he didn't drive)

3. cars equal freedom (they're expensive, require insurance, run on an ever dwindling supply of fossil fuel, break down and are expensive to fix, dangerous, deadly when an idiot is behind the wheel. How exactly is that freedom? Freedom from my money is more like it.)

yes I currently live in an urban area which makes getting around without a car easier. But I have lived (and gotten around) in rural areas and have muscle tone in my legs to prove it.

[Squeaksmyalias]

I think something you should think about if you plan on dating this guy is how much of a man he is about getting rides.

Is he expecting free rides? If he can't get a ride to work for instance, is he blaming it on the folks he normally gets rides from? Because he didn't line up a ride or find another way in.

My friend's bother does that often, Not paying people for gas, it's their fault he was late, or can't go in. It's something that I personally find unappealing in a potential boyfriend, or even a friend. I'm not someone's free ride, nor am I the one who is at fault when they find themselves late for work.

I think you need to focus on how he is with his responsibilities versus him not driving. Yes it might make things a bit more difficult, but being a man or an adult isn't about having a car it's how he is handling the fact he doesn't own one and what he is doing about it.

You said yourself you are nervous too, some people aren't meant to be drivers and that's fine, support him, encourage but be careful not to be pushy about it.
Good luck.

[Jester]

I was hanging out the other night with a guy who is 37 and has never had a license. He seemed perfectly fine with it.

As for people bumming rides, it is standard practice to offer gas money or some other compensation to someone nice enough to give you a ride. To not do that or, worse, bitch about people who are giving you rides, is simply unacceptable behavior.

"Gas, grass, or ass...nobody rides for free."

[Andara Bledin]

My brother used to bitch at me while I was driving his loser ass around.

He then acted all surprised when I wouldn't do it any longer. :rolleyes:

^-.-^

[Exaspera]

I couldn't wait to get my license when I turned of legal age at 16! The freedom of it all. Especially here in Dallas where you really need a car to get anywhere. But I have also lived in Lubbock, Houston and San Antonio, and you really need a car for those places, too.

40+ years of driving and NO TICKETS! :)

[blas]

There are a few people around here who don't have licenses/vehicles and rely on the piss poor public transit around here. I pity them.

I'd never make it without a car or my license. I have to drive almost 15 miles to work every night. A cab ride to 15 miles away is $25 or more. I'm not paying that every night. I'm also not going to try to find a friend to drive me every single night. Then I'd have to pay for that as well. It's better to just pay for my own gas and drive.

It kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth when people preach about how nobody needs a vehicle or has to drive. There may be bigger cities with 24/7 public tansit and better options, but here, we just don't have them. And I'm not moving back to the city I work in just to save money and not drive.

[Magpie]

And I'm not moving back to the city I work in just to save money and not drive.

But that's exactly the nub of the "you need a car" argument. Needing or not needing a car is a life choice. You can't just not own a car. You need to make conscious decisions to live in a way that doesn't require a car. You have looked at the options and chosen. The issues with not owning a car come when you just can't be bothered to get one, or don't bother living in a way that frees you from needing one. My mother-in-law doesn't drive, and managed just fine out in a small town, about 45 minutes from the nearest medium-sized city. However, she is a very stubborn woman, and had to do a lot of things that most people wouldn't be willing to do. And really, I can't blame most people for not wanting to make an 1.5 hour commute at awkward times to get to class. It is POSSIBLE though.

[blas]

I love the bigger city I live in. I really couldn't be bothered to move back home. Actually, I'd have to drive there, too, to get to work, lest I wanted to walk 2 miles in the snow to get to work. Or I could live in the brand spankin new apartments in the industrial park by the factory (peww!) for $800+ a month.

Meh, I'm keeping the car and the license. It works for me :)

[Fire_on_High]

I drive, hubby doesn't...he's a big dude and my car's tiny. Even with the seat all the way back, the wheel is buried into his gut enough that it can't be turned easily.

No sense to have the money into a license and insurance when my car's too small for him to drive. He's got a state non-driving ID for anything that requires it, like voting or buying R rated movies/tickets, and if we ever have an overwhelming long term need for him to drive then we'll get a vehicle big enough for a 6'5", 275 lb guy to be comfy in.

I love my Hyundai Accent and he swears it's far more comfortable in the passenger side than my mom's Escort due to the smaller dash, but it's still a very small car, and the seat only goes about 4 inches further back than the comfortable driving position for 5'1" me.

[Magpie]

... we'll get a vehicle big enough for a 6'5", 275 lb guy to be comfy in.

You'll pick one of the three options? Friends where she's probably under 1.5m, he's probably over 2. They had fun finding a car. We're getting a list from them if we're ever stuck needing to get one.

[Fire_on_High]

LOL pass that list along then please. :-)

[phantasy]

I learned how to drive, and I was OK with it until my now ex-boyfriend traumatized me with it.

When I got my learners' permit, my family wouldn't teach me how to drive. My boyfriend, at the time 17 years old, offered to teach me. I said yes.
We went to the deserted part of town where theres no traffic, and we started to drive around. Only problem is, in MD you need to learn to drive with an adult over 21 years of age, whos had their lisence for some random amount of years. Boyfriend didn't meet those requirements.

Boyfriend freaked me out by telling me "If a cop comes up behind you, don't freak out and do something stupid. Just drive normally, and he'll go away"
Then boyfriend yelled out something in spanish that freaked me out (I was driving his car at the moment, and he yelled because I was about to drive into the grassy part of the park) so of course I freaked a little bit and swerved slightly. Cop noticed, came and hovered.

This of course freaked me out even more, and I ended up getting pulled over. BF told me "whatever happens, I WAS DRIVING."
I stuck to the story, cops searched car for drugs, boyfriend finally admitted thr truth out of my earshot, then I still stuck to my story. Cops continued to question me, and when I stuck to the story, ex-BF comes out saying "no, it's ok. just tell them the truth", making me feel and look really stupid.

It was that day that I was traumatized being pulled over by cops (I never get in trouble, I'm one of those people I guess that are scared of authority), that I found out that my exbf watched pr0n (cop found it and laughed) and the last day I ever drove.

I now live in Peru, home of the cheapest public transportation. It's awesome.