Best way to deal with this? (dating situation)

[taurinejunkie]

So there's this girl who goes to my college. I asked her out last week and she accepted; she did say she didn't know what night of the next week (the week after Easter) it could be, that's a red flag, I know, but I more or less ignored that because for the first time in many years, I'd asked a girl out all by myself without asking anyone for advice beforehand, and that made me really happy.

Things started going bad at a... protest? against tuition fee increases (here in Quebec), in which we both participated, taking the bus to Montreal and back. Montreal being the provincial metropolis, she said she'd probably stay there overnight; I asked what she'd be doing, and her answer was "just a girls' night out". Fine, no problem at all. Then, as I was on the bus, a male friend told me that the same girl had invited him to stick around in Montreal for the night.

My reflex is to simply never mention again the invitation I made to her and possibly never talking to her again at all; but I'm also thinking talking to her may make things better. Or worse. As this is a situation I am not used to, I would appreciate any help.

[Rapscallion]

Can't believe I'm offering advice in a dating thread. Again.

First date. It's not marriage. There's no real commitment. There's enough interest to see what the real person is like. That's it. There's no preacher. It's fishing to see if there's something on the end of your line that's good enough to keep.

You owe each other nothing. First few dates are finding out enough about the other person. She doesn't become a nun as a result. Your eyes are allowed to roam (preferably not on the dates themselves).

She found you interesting enough to say yes.

Make things better? She's not about to say 'I do' at the altar.

In a sense you're in competition with this other guy, but that's not really the case. You're in a competition with yourself. You have to be the one who is honest with yourself. It may be that you're not what she's wired to want. May be that you don't find her attractive after a couple of dates. That's what dating's about.

Remind her of it later. See what the response is. If nothing comes of it, that's life. Wait a decent period - perhaps five minutes - and start looking again. Drown your sorrows in a bowl of muesly or something, then get looking again. Don't fixate on one person.

Rapscallion

[taurinejunkie]

I've thought about this a bit and all I gotta say, in the end, is: to hell with that b****. If she can't say 'no' in my face, and prefers politeness and then predictably (it has happened) pushing back the date until I give up, she's not worth one second of my time. On the other hand, if I'm wrong and caught in a big misunderstanding and she cares enough, she'll come talk to me about it or something.

[Seshat]

Unless she ends up thinking you're stalling her.

[Rapscallion]

I've thought about this a bit and all I gotta say, in the end, is: to hell with that b****.

Why so angry? It's the early stages of dating. She doesn't need a decree nisi from you to allow her to hang around with another man.

She's done nothing wrong.

Sure, if you two had been going steady and were an item, then I'd have been feeling betrayed in your situation, but that's not the case. The first few dates are only there to make sure you two are reasonably compatible.

Accepting a date is not a binding commitment to monogamy.

Rapscallion

[Jester]

I have to agree with Raps, and not just because he's holding a gun to my head.

Girl is keeping her options open, seeing what is what with various guys, you being one of them. Were you doing the same thing with women, you would see nothing wrong with it. I've done it myself. Usually ended up with "none of the above," but that's more because I'm an idiot than due to the plan itself.

Her actions do not make her a slut, a bitch, or a whore. She may well be one or more of those, mind you, but her actions don't define her as such. They merely define her as a single woman.

[Taboo]

Girl is keeping her options open, seeing what is what with various guys, you being one of them. Were you doing the same thing with women, you would see nothing wrong with it.

Agreed as well. I really think you're overreacting. A date does not mean you're in a relationship. She is still single and when she hasn't even gone on a date with you yet, she is certainly not obligated to not see anyone else.

[Aethian]

Then, as I was on the bus, a male friend told me that the same girl had invited him to stick around in Montreal for the night.

How do you know the guy wasn't just trying to scare you away from someone he was to shy to ask out? I remember one story of Mom's really well after seeing this, A guy had gone up to her ex all boastful of how he had my Mom in several ways the previous weekend. Her ex raised an eyebrow and stated that he too had her in several ways...on their honeymoon.

I think you have over reacted. If she had asked him to stay overnight could it have been for one of the other girls on this 'girls night out'? Perhaps trying to hook up one of her friends? When girls do that they generally don't want to be trying to get friend hooked up plus having a first date they may think is interesting. Both parts could all go to hell and no one is happy.

[Rapscallion]

I have to agree with Raps, and not just because he's holding a gun to my head.

That's just an added bonus.

Rapscallion

[taurinejunkie]

The mess was cleared up peacefully a few minutes ago, I don't know how I managed that but I did it; no one died and no one is going to.

[Jester]

Cool. Now, how shall I put this diplomatically....oh, yeah, this should work....nice to see you pulled your head out of your ass and made things work. :lol:

[Plaidman]

Yeah. That was a little um...

Creepy though. I mean. Dude? Do not uh, freak out if she like looks at another guy. It does not mean she's going to start dating him. It just means she's telling the waiter what she wants for a meal.


Also, do not order for her. That bad.

[taurinejunkie]

I think you guys didn't understand the problem properly. Not that it's very relevant anymore, but I'll still try to explain.

She said "yes" to the date; the Montreal incident implies that she actually isn't interested, and that her "yes" is really just a delayed "no" and a chance to score a free meal. That's what I don't like; and as I told her in the peaceful resolution earlier, I could have handled the "no" from the start. The "no one died and no one's going to" I assumed to be an obvious exaggeration to mean that yes, things went wrong, and no, it's not really a big deal.

[trailerparkmedic]

How do you know she was just trying to score a free meal? I think she was keeping her options open and trying out several guys. I did that a LOT when I wasn't in a relationship. It takes at least a few weeks (or longer) for me to think I'm in a relationship, which is the point where I stop seeing other people.

Was it that the other dude was invited overnight, implying sex? You don't know that was her intent or even what happened. Besides, I hate to break any notions of women always being proper and such, but when I was single, I had some one night stands that involved NO emotional attachment and were only about the sex. Men aren't the only ones that want to have fun sometimes.

[BarbieGirl]

I think you guys didn't understand the problem properly. Not that it's very relevant anymore, but I'll still try to explain.

She said "yes" to the date; the Montreal incident implies that she actually isn't interested, and that her "yes" is really just a delayed "no" and a chance to score a free meal. That's what I don't like; and as I told her in the peaceful resolution earlier, I could have handled the "no" from the start. The "no one died and no one's going to" I assumed to be an obvious exaggeration to mean that yes, things went wrong, and no, it's not really a big deal.

So I assume you told her you knew she was lying about the girls night and that you don't appreciate it if she was trying to score a free meal with you?

If I had a guy that I hadn't even gone on a date with throw stuff like that in my face I would turn around and say that yeah I was just being polite and actually had no interest. Switching from nice guy to accusatory over her personal life choices that don't involve you would be a big old red flag for me. And who know maybe she had plans with this guy before you and just didn't want to hurt your feelings?

[AdminAssistant]

I dunno. From the sound of it, to me, it does seem like she was trying to 'let him down easy' by not setting a specific date when she originally asked him and then lying to him at the event in Montreal. "Keeping options open" or not, if she were hanging out with another guy, she should have said so.

[Plaidman]

Its still pretty possive of you. How do you know she didn't agree to a date with the first guy first, and didn't know what day that was going to be? Or that she agreed to your date first then that guy. A girl saying sure to a dinner is not automatic barred from future dates period/only excusive with you. Its just a dinner. A way to get to know you.

I'm not there, and my luck with woman, well, sucks, but even I know a few simple things about dating. Like the fact a woman isn't yours just because she said yes to a date with you later.

On the otherside, then yeah, she might just be getting a free dinner out of you. So what? You think your the first and only human that will ever happen to? But even if she is planning on that now, that doesn't mean no matter what you do during said dinner, you cannot intrest her enough to get to a second date, third date, until that you are in fact in a relationship.

[Jester]

Also, do not order for her. That bad.

Normally true. Some women DO like their date to order for them, but guys should never do that unless they KNOW that is what the woman desires them to do.

I think you guys didn't understand the problem properly.

I don't mean this to be rude, but frankly, it sounds like you don't understand the situation.

She said "yes" to the date; the Montreal incident implies that she actually isn't interested, and that her "yes" is really just a delayed "no" and a chance to score a free meal.

It doesn't imply that to me. That is one possibility, yes, but there are several others. Some of which have been suggested here, some of which you (and the rest of us) may not have even thought of yet.

You are assuming that her spending time with the other guy in Montreal means she is not interested in you. You don't know that to be true, unless she told you that specifically and we have just missed that.

From the sound of it, to me, it does seem like she was trying to 'let him down easy' by not setting a specific date when she originally asked him and then lying to him at the event in Montreal.

Another possibility, but only the girl herself knows.

"Keeping options open" or not, if she were hanging out with another guy, she should have said so.

I strongly disagree. Since the OP and her had not even had one date, nor had they linked themselves to each other verbally, she really didn't have any obligation to tell him about other plans with other guys she may have had.

While I have not dated multiple women at the same time, the few times I have, I had no problem not telling the one about the other. Why? I wasn't exclusive with either one, nor they with me. Had they asked me about other women, I would have certainly told them, but I did not feel at all obligated to volunteer that information. I don't lie to the women I date, but that doesn't mean I have to tell them everything up front.

And what is good for the gander is definitely good for the goose. After all, I never asked those girls if they were dating other men or not....I was seeing where things would go, as were they. And honestly, no one had a problem with it.

[Ree]

OK...I think this is enough rehashing and advice from the armchair experts.

This is getting a bit heated.

I'm closing it.