a question for mothers.

[Ljt09863]

this one goes to mothers. when you gave birth to your children, did you control who was allowed in the room and who wasnt? if so, how did you go about it without hurting anybodies feelings?

my dilemia is that i only want my mother, and fiancee in the room when i give birth. no offense to fiancees mother, or anybody else in our families, but im just thinking that i will be uncomfortable for others to see me like that. im extremely shy about my body. my doctor is lucky that i didn't request another one. my doctor is a man, and normally, i don't feel comfortable with male doctors dealing with that part of my body. thankfully, though, he is an awesome doctor, and i trust him and feel comfortable for him to do what he needs to do. but i have cancelled an appointment before when i found out that it was a man. stupid, i guess, but its how i feel.


the reason im asking, is im afraid Peters mother would be offended by my wish to only have two people in the room. while this woman does get on my nerves quite a bit, i do not wish to cause problems in the family.


so my question is, how did you handle who went in the birth room and such? i figured i could let other family members come in for a few minutes during quieter times, cause im sure it isn't going to be extremely quick, but i don't want them in there alot.

[hawkchick11]

I only had my sister in the delivery room. Mostly because she was the only one that got there in time, I had a really fast labor/delivery.

She's having the same problem right now, because my mother has invited herself to be in the delivery room. My sister only wants me and her husband in there. She came up with the idea of saying that the doctor will only let 2 people in the delivery room with her while she's in labor. The doctor even told her that she (the doctor) could tell my mother that, because she's done it for other women.

That might be an option.

[iradney]

i've never given birth, and doubt that i ever will, but IMO, it's YOUR day, YOUR body, and YOUR right to say who can and cannot be present.

[flybye023]

I've never given birth either but I've heard that some doctors and nurses will run interference with the family. All I can say is talk to your doctor.

[Ree]

Umm...you have the right to say who is allowed in the room without feeling guilty.

When giving birth, you are in a pretty vulnerable position and I don't blame you in the least for not wanting your fiance's mother or any other non-medical people in there.

Actually, I think you should mention your feelings on this to your doctor or the nurse. They might be happy to make the request for you that visitors in the delivery room are limited to two, and that would then be your fiance and your mother. I think they prefer that the visitors are kept to a minimum anyway.

Even if you don't ask the doctor or nurse to do the dirty work, you can always tell your the rest of the family that you are limited to only 2 people, and, obviously, you really want to have your own Mom with you.

They can see the baby after it's born, anyway.

[Kiwi]

i've never given birth, and doubt that i ever will, but IMO, it's YOUR day, YOUR body, and YOUR right to say who can and cannot be present.

Ditto!

I would be completely cowardly and hide behind the doctor if I was you. Well the doctor or your partner....let him break the news to his mum

and by the way, get used to people feeling entitled to tell you how to do/say/feel/think/dress/eat....parents get that from every tom dick and harriet

no one will be in the room with me save my partner....hang anyone who gets a bee in their bonnet, they can go jump in a lake for all I care

[Greenday]

You can tack me up on the board as another one who isn't giving birth. Doesn't seem like you can go wrong with telling your family you are only allowed two people. Unless someone works there, they really can't call BS on you.

[NightAngel]

Seriously, the doctors and nurses are used to this and if you simply say, "I only want *this person*." They usually just tell everyone else that only "X" amount of people are allowed and that has been taken up already. A nurse literally shoved a bunch of family members refusing to leave out of the room and shut the door when I expressed my want to only have my husband in there. The rest of them were annoying me.

Actually, a good question to ask would be how many people they allow. It may only be one! And that would certainly solve your problem wouldn't it?

Oh, and when you're in HARD LABOR you really won't give a crap who you offend- trust me.

[Barefootgirl]

I used to belong to a board where this problem arose practically very day -"I want my mum in the room with me, but not my MIL - what do I do?"

I blame those crummy shows like "A Baby Story" for creating this impression that labour is a nice easy process, with the mum composed and smiling, normally in full make-up throughout, and accompanied by every member of her extended family and the Royal Marines marching band.

First of all, I would ask the hospital if they limit the number of people who are permitted to be in the delivery room. Many hospitals only permit one or two people to accompany you, so you can have your partner and your mum and that's it.

If your hospital is not enlightened enough to keep people out of the delivery room, tell them you only want named people in the room. Name your mum and your partner, and no-one else. Hospitals take this kind of thing very seriously. I am not up on the intricacies of HIPAA law, but I am led to believe that letting your MIL or anyone else who you have not specifically permitted inot the room is a major breach of confidentiality an leaves them open to prosecution under the Act, so most hospitals are quite hot on keeping out unwanted people. After all, what's to stop any old weirdo from wandering into L&D and having a good oggle at your ladybits, if they let people in willy-nilly?

Does Peter think its strange that you don't want his mum in the room? From the sound of your post, he is fine with it, but in case she puts pressure on him, and he starts making objections, let him know that the day he has to push a melon out of his bottom is the day he gets a say in who's there at the birth of your child.

[digilight]

When my son was born it was just myself and my MIL in the room with my wife, my parents knew and understood though. I didn't blame her at all and completely agreed with her decision as did my mother.

A few things that can be done to make this easier for you are to not let them know as soon as you go into labor. Labor can take a while, my son was induced on monday night and was born on wednesday morning (just didn't wanna come out). Although everyone knew the schedule we just kept them informed over the phone and they came and visited but didn't stay and be pushy. If you call them closer to when it's time to start pushing then there is less of a chance of them trying to push their way into the room.

Enlist the help of the nurses, as others have said they are used to this situation and most nurses are very protective of their patients and their patients wishes.

Like BFG said, Peter should be very understanding about your decision and supportive. If not make sure he realizes that you are the one in the compromising position, and need to be as comfortable as possibile, its one thing for your mother to be in their with you, its another for his.

There is going to be plenty of time for the family to come and gush over the baby after its born, and you are cleaned up and have had your few minutes to hold the baby before he is taken to the nursery to get cleaned up and have the vitals checked.

If your hospital is anything like how ours was Peter will go with the nurse and baby to the nursery for the first bath, weigh in, height, footprint, and to get the baby heated up under the light. There were large windows facing the hallway at ours where the family can stand and watch (dads in the nursery with the baby). Your mom will go with you to your room, and his family and the rest of yours usually watch the baby in the hallway. This part took around an hour to an hour and a half. Make DAMN SURE he has a camera with him for the pictures of all the firsts in their, and make sure that his mom and other family members have camers to take pics from the hall also. In fact if you assign this particular job to her (taking pics of her son in with the baby in the nursery) it may still make her think she is playing a roll in it all. Leaving you off the hook and her feeling useful.

Good luck, it will work, and make sure that Peter is in full suport of you. After all, you are the one having the baby.

Not a mother, but went thru it with one :)

[Cia]

When I was in the L/D room they specifically asked me who was to be allowed in and when. While labor was on going, went in at 2130 Sunday and had Anja at 2130 Monday, anybody could come in but when pushing time came only DH was allowed in.

You are the one who gets to choose and if your MIL doesn't like it she can sit and spin.

[Ljt09863]

thanks everybody. this helps me out alot

i have thought about telling everybody the hospital only wants two people in the room only. the problem with that, is that future MIL (from here on out will be FMIL) is the type of woman to throw a fit over a rule if she doesn't like it. with m luck, she would corner a nurse who isn't helping me, and jhas no idea whats going on with my labor, and ask her about it, and find out the rule isn't a rule. then there wold be problems.

until last night, i really hadnt said much to Peter about people in the room. i had jsut said i don't want too many people in there. last night, i told him who i wanted. he wasn't very happy, because he did want his mother there as well. but judging from his reaction, when it comes down to it, i will get my wish from him. he didn't react horribly, jsut disappointed. he joked about not being there either then, which was serioulsy NOT funny. i just told him, fine. i will have the nurse record and then you can watch it later.

i was thinking about having peter record the birth, without actually showing my body parts. he wouldn't be able to record the baby crowning or anything(due to my wishes) but he can record the first few seconds after the baby is out. i thought that would be one way everybody who isn't in the room can still see what happened.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Listen, you will have enough to worry about without adding to it the worry that you're going to "offend" someone.

They'll get over it. All the posters here saying you get the final say on who's in the room are right. Anyone getting "offended" because you decided not to have a freaking party in the delivery room can get bent and grow up.

I had my husband. That's it. And everyone else in my family had the class and good sense not to ask. I was not in the room when my sister gave birth. I figured if she wanted me there, she'd ask. She didn't, and it didn't even occur to me to be hurt or offended. I just sat in the waiting room and bit my nails with everyone else.

You aren't there to plan to social gathering or to lay the foundation of good family politics. You're there to have a baby.

You just tell the staff and they will make sure your wishes are respected. Most likely, they won't even allow a crowd in the room, so it might not even be an option.

[RavenStarr]

I think everyone on here is right. You are the one having the baby and you do not need to worry about who you might offend. If your MIL gets offended over something like this then that's her problem not yours. IMHO, I think if someone gets mad over something like this then they are being childish.

It is completely up to you who you want in the room and who you don't want. I think it's better if you just come right out and tell Peter and his Mom what your wishes are. If they get mad oh well. They will get over it. Whatever you do don't cave into them. Don't go and change your plans just to make the MIL happy and to keep peace between you and Peter.

Don't put off telling them. I think the sooner you tell them the better. It would be better also if you told both of them at the same time.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Also, Peter needs to grow up and cut the apron strings. He's going to be a father, and as the father of your child, he needs to learn to put what is best for his child and his child's mother before the whims of his own mother.

Old habits die hard, I know, but this is what growing up is about. The "joke" about him not being there either was in the poorest of taste and reflects badly on him. I don't know him, but my first thought would be that it was not in fact a joke, but a watered down, passive aggressive threat.

He needs to get his priorities in order. This is not a party that you are sending out invitations to.

[Ljt09863]

The "joke" about him not being there either was in the poorest of taste and reflects badly on him. I don't know him, but my first thought would be that it was not in fact a joke, but a watered down, passive aggressive threat.


thats how i felt about it. as though he was threatening me. so i jsut told him fine, ill let him watch the video afterwards. i didn't get upset, or anything. i played it calm, because if he wants to 'threaten' me, im not going to let him see what it does. i wanted him to feel that i don't care if he comes or not, i only want certain people in the room. and if that means he isn't there, then so be it. thats how i wanted him to feel. and i think i got it across. of course, i want peter there, but not if his mother and father have to be there. and like ive said, its nothing against her. i don't want my dad in there either, but his mother is going to be the one would start trouble over it...

[RavenStarr]

I think Peter needs to grow up too. Whether or not his comment was a joke or not doesn't matter. You do not joke around with a pregnant woman. If I knew you guys personally I would definitely read Peter the riot act and his mother too if need be.

I know you don't want your FMIL to get offended. You know what though if she does then who cares. If Peter wants to be immature and play the "If you don't want my Mommy there then I won't be there either" card then so be it. Like I said don't cave.

I know I may come on a bit strong, but you are going to have a baby. You need to concentrate on things like whether you are going to have totally natural birth, or with pain meds and an epidural. What names you are going to pick out, what he will wear home from the hospital etc.

Stuff like that. Not whether or not you hurt the FMIL feelings or make Peter mad.

[Crazyredhead]

When my first baby was born it was in a military hospital, where the entire west and east wing was in there. My husband was there also, I was a little uncomfortable about all of the people in there. Let me tell you that modesty went out of the window and was shot.

My second baby was born in a Christian charity hosp with a midwife, nurse, my husband and my oldest daughter, who was about 3. I didn't know that she was there but she handled herself very well.

My third was born outside the dining facility of a military hospital at dinner time, where half of Ft Campbel was there. My two daughters and someone else little boy saw the entire thing, up close. The funniest thing was when the little boy asked his mamma what is the gray rope for. All weekend I had the entire housekeeping staff coming by my room to see the woman who had the baby outside of the hospital.

At this point, I don't care who is there with me as long as they can get it out.

My fouth baby was born in a civilian hospital here. He was a difficult baby as he was stuck under the pubic bone and needed suctioning help to be born. He was born with a huge round, puffy bruise on his forehead. There was a doctor and a nurse and again my hubby. If there was anyone else, I wasn't paying attention.

My fifth and my last, was born in Ky. Was by far the best hospital yet. The doctor decided to induce me early, since I have a bad habit of having babies outside of the hospital, he also stitched me up after my first son, who was born outside of the dining facility. I started having the first signs of labor and called the doctor who told me to come in. Well, I stopped off at Wal Mart then went home. I got to the hospital about 3 hours later. I wasn't having any labor pains at all. I went in and checked in and after another two hours, still nothing. Finally they gave me a shot of something that brought labor on, a little. After an epi it started.

I was watching Conan when the doctor had to get my attention and asked me if I was planning on pushing. I was like oh yeah and gave a couple of pushes and there here was. I think that there was a doctor, nurse, hubby (of course) and the pediatricians there, but I really don't remember much, except my precious baby.

Basicaly, what I am saying is that it is your choice who is there, but what it all boils down to is, the only ones that matters is you, your baby, and the father (if available). I would have liked to have my mother there, but she wouldn't have been able to handle it, since she gets hysterics easily.

Me, the only thing that hasn't been there yet is the media. http://forum.hkgolden.com/faces/donno.gif

Sorry for the hijack. When it comes to babies and birthing stories, I always have a story for everything, and I never know when to shut up. :p

[iradney]

LTJ, from what I've been told (my Pops is an anaesthetist and has "caught" nearly a thousand babies), giving birth is highly personal - your bits are there for the world to see, and you may or may not have one or two "accidents" (killer farts etc). Not to mention that you're pushing a little person out of you! If your FMIL doesn't accept that it's your right to say who can and cannot be present, ask her how many people were present at your fiance's birth! i'm pretty sure she would say her hubby and the attending staff!
From the sounds of her, she's may be one of those pushy grandmothers who insist that everything you do is wrong and you must do it HER way (an ex of mine's mom was like that!). Putting your foot down now may help with that...

In any case, good luck! I'm sure you're going to have a gorgeous baby, and it's very lucky to have a mom like you!

[Der Cute]

Hi there.

I'm a woman who's been in a birthing room ONCE as a friend, for support. I myself have never had kids.

When in the birthing room, the anesthesologist hollered EVERYONE EXCEPT PATIENT OUT OF THIS ROOM. ....and we marched.

My friend (giving birth) asked her husband and me to be there with her...the husband's mother wiggled her way in.

By this time my friend was in pain and concentrating on doing the business of the birthing, she didnt care about who saw what and who was where.

LJT: who do you feel comfortable with? Who do you lean on for help? Those are good criteria for this question.

Now, once a decision has been made, PUT IT IN WRITING.

Nurses are more than caregivers, they can be bouncers when needed! Just ask...they know lots of uses for needles :P

Just say, "Ive decided I need Peter and my mother in he birthing room. " No more, no less. If MIL starts needling you: ignore. Change subject...Nice puppie dogs, right? Oooh tulips grow quickly this year.....

It's your body, your time, your baby: and if you DONT stand up to the MIL I can see her running roughshod over how you care for baby...and thats a pita you DO NOT WANT.

Screw being nice, screw being shy: some people you need tasers and flamers to get the point across.

Cutenoob

[Barefootgirl]

I just wanted to add one more thing (you can tell this is something people feel quite strongly about, right ?!).

Parenting is all about making tough decisions that make you unpopular. There are times when you have to upset your kids, and its so painful, but you do it because you know its going to make them nicer people in the log run. There are times you want to rip other people apart for being mean to your kids, but you have to swallow your anger and find constructive ways to deal with it.

Make your decision about who you want there, put it in writing, give it to the hospital and forget about it. Once you have given them your wishes in writing, it becomes their problem, not yours. You can focus on the more important things.

Finally (and after this I will shut up, i promise), don't get too hung up on the birth itself. Birth is just one miniscule moment of your baby's life. I have seen women go into declines because they wanted to have entirely natural births and something went a little wrong so they ended up having surgical interventions or epidurals - and it seems to overshadow the much more important fact that they got a beautiful healthy gorgeous baby out of it. Once the baby is out, the way it came out is pretty irrelevant.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Barefootgirl, you are my new hero. :)


I also meant to mention my own Rule To Live By to you. It has served me well, and it will serve you well, too, should you care to adopt it.

If someone has GOT to be upset, it might as well not be you.

This is not to say you should be a selfish jerk to others. What it means is that there is absolutly no reason whatsoever for you to eat an indignity just to keep the other guy happy. If they other guy is causing a problem, (in this case, you MIL), then let the other guy have the stress. Why should YOU be the one to feel put out?

[Jpurple]

Just going to say 'Yeah, what they said' and add an idea or two of my own.

You may find that the hospital will let you call the shots on your birth or may not, putting what you want in writing is a very good idea- ask your doctor lots of questions about what is and is not allowed and write down what you'd like to ahve happen well in advance. Sometimes the only thing the doctors can do they way you'd like is have the people you want there and everyone else out.
When I was in labour, I had to give permission for an intern to come and observe- my hospital took my privacy and wishes seriously (not that I cared much at that point, but it's nice in retrospect)

Another thought: Barefootgirl is correct- parenting is not an easy job, and you and your partner have to be the one making the decisions- it's YOUR kid, after all! You may find it's easier in the long run (setting a precedent, as it were) if you put your foot down firmly NOW, before you have other issues with the MIL. She may not like it, but you do need to set it straight on who the parent of this child is, and it's easier to do it now than later (pregnant women are allowed a lot of leeway, afterall)

You might want to have a chat with Peter about his 'joke'. My husband made a few feeble jokes about not being in the delivery room when the time came, and it turned out he was actually really nervous about the whole thing, but didn't want to admit it. He's glad now to have been there, but I had to really convince him that I needed him to be there.

Good Luck!

[digilight]

Jpurple makes a good point about the "JOKE" I know I was nervious about being in the room for my sons (first kids) birth. I'm glad I was there, Thats a day that he will never get back if he isn't there. Getting to cut the cord, and witnessing his childs first breath. I'ts something every father needs to experience.

But he needs to be in full suport of your decision, because this is your time. It's not his mothers time, she's just supposed to be there in the waiting room awaiting the news. If he is having a hard time telling his mom "NO you can't be in the room for the birth". Tell him to man the fuck up about, he's about to be a father and mommy can't run his life. If she loves him, she will respect his decision. She may not like it at the time, but the second she see's her new grandbaby any problems from it will dissapear.

Even if you have to print out this thread and give it to him to read so he understands what you are going thru.

[Cia]

If Peter still makes the 'joke' about he's not going to be there if his Mom can't be there just tell him fine, you can wait in the waiting room. It wont kill him to miss his kid's birth and maybe he'll get a clue, who knows.

But anyway, when my older brother was born, my Dad wasn't allowed in the birthing room. When I was born, Dad wasn't even in the country and showed up 2 days later - the first thing out of my Mom's mouth, according to Dad, was "What the hell are you doing here?". When my younger brother was born, Mom had to send Dad a telegram since he was out at sea. And for my little sister, Dad dropped Mom off at the hospital and went back home to take care of us. 4 kids, 3 states, 2 towns and 2 naval bases.

[Rapscallion]

I've been reading this with some interest.

Does your MIL have any medical training in the delivery of children?

Would you MIL be of any help?

Would she be pushing instead of you?

If the answer to any of the above would be 'yes', then think about having her in. Otherwise, it's going to be your choice.

I rather suspect the answer to all of the above would be 'no', in which case she wants to be in there for her, not for you.

This is about you, your baby, and probably your husband. You're giving birth for your child. You're not doing it for her.

Rapscallion

[sportsmom]

I have had three of my own and I have to agree with everyone that it is your body and your choice, but I do need to add something that no one else had mentioned.

I would highly recommend writing up a birthplan with your doctor. That will cover everything from who you wnat in the delivery room, to what you want to happen in the case of a c-section. There are sights online you can download them from and print. That way you can give a copy to the doctor and also to the nurses on the delivery floor.

BTW, I would smack the SO in the head for even suggesting that he may not be there. That is not even remotely funny and is in no way supportive of you.

Good luck and congratulations.

[Ljt09863]

wow...i didn't expect to have such a response. i appreciate everybodies advice. i am planning on talking to my doctor and putting in writing who i want in the room.

and Raps, you were right. the answer to all your questions is no. she would probably be more disruptive than anything.


thanks again, everybody! ill let you know how it turns out! just a few more months!!!! come on february 27......

[RavenStarr]

Don't put this off. Get it done as soon as possible.

[Posture Moll]

wow...i didn't expect to have such a response. i appreciate everybodies advice. i am planning on talking to my doctor and putting in writing who i want in the room.

and Raps, you were right. the answer to all your questions is no. she would probably be more disruptive than anything.


Exactly, dear! I can't think any emotional distress would be conducive to a smooth delivery.

When it comes down to it, the well-being of the mother and baby inarguably trumps the 'bruised feelings' of any familial bystanders.

Good luck. :)