Write Off Family Or Not?

[Sableonblonde]

I have come to a point in my life where I think I want to write off both of my parents, and not have anything to do with them ever again.

I didn't have the worst childhood - surely many have had worse. But my mother is a very manipulative, controlling woman, and how she's felt and what she's going through had always been the most important thing growing up in our household. She always tried to make me and my brother feel very guilty - there was a time when I was 15 and we begged to be allowed to go to a baseball game, but for some reason or other she didn't want us to go, and got annoyed that we nagged her. The next morning she left a note on the table saying that because we had bugged her so much last night, she had to take a whole bunch of sleeping pills to calm down, and if she didn't wake up the next day it would be our fault. Crap like that.

The problem lately is that my brother, who turned out to be a junkie, has been terrorizing my family and especially my mother. He keeps breaking into her house and stealing from her. She keeps letting him move back in, and things will go well for awhile, but then he'll start using again and get all crazy. I lived with my mom until I was 25 and was helping her out because she is in poor health, but I finally left after my brother started breaking in, as I didn't like living in terror like that.

Last week it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I was planning a bunch of surprises for him when my mom called and told me my brother left rehab (for like the 5th time) and had broken into the house again, and locked some of the doors from the inside that she didn't carry keys for, so she wanted me to come over along with my dad and help her find a way to get into the house. I refused. She called and screamed at me and demanded to know why I didn't care about her and what she is going through.

The truth is, I don't think I do even care anymore. I have a lot of issues myself, and I am trying so hard to have a nice, sane, drama-free, peaceful life. Every time I hear about my brother breaking into my mom's house yet again (he's also stolen from my dad) it just stresses me out and the stress makes me ill and disrupts my own life. I'm angry at my mom because she once swore to me, when I was still living with her, that she would never let my brother move back in. Then a few months later she changed her mind, and when I protested, she got mad at me and said he was her child and it was her house and that I had better be nice to him. So I actually was very civil to him, but then a few months later he ends up stealing my mom's identity and racking up $15,000 in credit cards for her to deal with.

I have no intention of contacting my parents again, even though it makes me sad that I don't have a nice, healthy family. But it's just constant stress and BS with them. Memorial day was ruined because my brother overdosed, and 4th of July was ruined because when I showed up, my mother had a stained, sweaty shirt on and I refused to hug her (I had a white tank top on and was going on a date afterwards) and so she threw a tantrum, screamed at me, then ran up to lock herself in her bedroom and refused to come out.

Would I be out of line for writing my family off or should I be more understanding? I just have all of my own stress and feel like I can't take anyone else's :(

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Your mother's a manipulative, controlling, enabling, out-of-it twit. I bet it's never occurred to her why her son is the way he is.

If she were my mom, I'd tell people my mom died in a car accident. But then again there are several things wrong with me. Sorry.

[patiokitty]

What you just described is anything but a normal, sane family relationship and I'm firmly of the opinion that you are doing exactly the right thing. You don't need to deal with any of that bullshit, and it sounds to me like your mother is the root of the problem all around. I mean, what mother pulls the sort of guilt-trip she did? Leaving a note saying that she took a bunch of sleeping pills as a form of punishment for you and your brother? Or acting like a child because you didn't hug her? What is she? Two?

You are definitely not out of line at all.

[Parrothead]

Your mother's a manipulative, controlling, enabling, out-of-it twit. I bet it's never occurred to her why her son is the way he is.

If she were my mom, I'd tell people my mom died in a car accident. But then again there are several things wrong with me. Sorry.

This. x 100, at least.

[Kiwi]

I think you need to start laying down some rules if you want a relationship with your parents.I do think they you should give them a chance before you cut them off completely. Do they know how you feel, the stress it's causing? Do you feel there is any chance they would care or be prepared to change the relationship you have?
If you told your parents that you love them but you can not continue to discuss or listen to problems your brother causes. If they want to see you or talk to you then that subject is closed. If they insist on telling you about their enabling or try to control you, then I would withdraw from contacting them further.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing with a relationship. You can choose to contact them once a month and limit that visit or even visit just on Christmas and Easter (or 4th of July etc). Or you could only contact them via email or text.
I think you need to distance yourself somewhat because nothing that is coming from them seems positive. At 23 I literally sat down with my Mother and told her if she wanted to see me and have her in her life, we both had to change her behavior. She was controlling, passive aggressive and manipulative not to mention downright mean to my brother. She can be incredibly negative and self centred so I really had to lay down the law so to speak.

I don't discuss my brother with her AT ALL, not because he is a screw up but because she is so nasty about him. I won't discuss her newest illness or the fact shes dying (shes been "dying" for my entire life.... there's nothing wrong with her but shes always dying). I also put limits on her negativity, purely because I can be in the best mood in the world and then a 30 minute phone call drags me down for days. If she bitches about 3 things then the call ends. It took a long time for her to accept these changes and to stop these behaviors, she still has periods where she goes back and I have to cut down on contact again. But she has made a genuine effort to change.

I can't tell you how much better I feel now that I have some control over how she affects me. We have a much better relationship for it.

Whatever happens, good luck and I hope it gets better either way.

[Der Cute]

Hey! MY FAMILY put the FUN in Dysfunctional.

Dear, your mother isn't all here. You were perfectly in your rights to say "No, I'm not coming over" when she called you. You are drawing a boundary. And I applaud you for that. And being able to see Mother = Drama Queen ...M + Me = miserable

My mom's not as manipulative as yours is, but mine's a butthead in her own way. Goes like this - although one person has been beat, abused, stomped on, trampled...they might still be able to take it and smile. And someone else on this earth might break under that pressure. My parent is not so great, and I started to get miserable under her pressure. You've taken more than I have, but you're showing your stress signs.

So. Is there anything wrong with saying : I'm not talking to you anymore ? No. You'd have to change your phone number, use a PO box, and use your self discipline to not speak/engage/breathe in their general direction.

I havent spoken to my mom in a VERY long time. I got sick of her one day and just bailed. Wouldn't talk to her after that, had no desire to explain what I felt, and just pretty much told her to FOAD by ignoring her. Doing so, I felt much lighter afterwards, and am at the point of dealing with "My family is nothing like the Cleavers/Cunninghams/Huxtables. I am sad about my family being so sucky." I have to say that to myself often.

Really. You've admitted to having a problem adjusting to "My family is really truly XYZ when I was kinda hoping/expecting ABC." I do too. Can you write out a letter to your mother/father/brother (everyone separate) and explain how you're feeling? And burn them afterwards. Also write out "I Accept That I Had A Sucky Childhood And I Accept My Mother is A Bitch"
or something along those lines. Repeat as necessary, and get the thought into you that it's ok to have a dysfunctional family - if you recognize the issues and are able to catch them before you pass them on to your own kids.

I now have a baby. And a honey. I have caught myself repeating my parent's behavior with them. And I don't like it. So I'm trying to change it so my little son doesn't end up like me. Crappy childhood, bitch mother, absentee father...etc.

Hon, you're doing better than you think.

Cutenoob

[Magpie]

I think that, if you're able, Kiwi has excellent advice. Part of why I recommend setting firm boundaries instead of just cutting your mother off entirely is that, if you can keep it up, it's actually more sustainable. If you just cut her out entirely you will probably have to do so multiple times - after a while you start to feel better, and figure you can handle dealing with her, so you try to initiate contact again. This contact will NOT work without boundaries in place. So if you do cut her off completely and then decide to contact her again, put firm boundaries in place when you resume contact.

[trailerparkmedic]

I think the idea of boundaries is a good one. If you do decide to keep contact, I would make sure that you have nothing to do with anything enabling your brother. This includes things like not pressing charges when he steals stuff. Your relationship with your mom is complicated enough. You don't need to include your brother in the middle of it.

[BlaqueKatt]

I talk about these two books a ton-but they have really helped me deal with my mom and the fact that even though she is my mom-I really don't care much for her(and for quite some time felt horrible about it-I mean what kind of awful daughter hates their own mother, right?)-I now deal with her on my terms, or not at all, she knows this, and has actually gotten a bit easier to deal with. She hasn't apologized for my childhood, and at this point I really don't expect her to, but I'm ok with it now, and know that I'm not a "horrible person" for not really liking my mom much.

toxic parents (http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279553408&sr=8-1)

and

Emotional Blackmail (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279553408&sr=8-2)

[Magpie]

Oh, and forgot: my in-laws have been using Stop Walking on Eggshells (http://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_i/191-8353529-6043060), it's apparently useful.

[taxguykarl]

I've recommended In Sheep's Clothing (http://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1279562994&sr=1-1) for people like your OP.

If you can't set boundaries and don't want to apply Dr. Simon's methods, then total non-contact is the next best response to this drama, unless you write for Lifetime (http://www.mylifetime.com/shows) and need a ready source of material.

[telecom_goddess]

Cutenoob's story sounds a lot like my own. I stopped speaking to my mother for a few years before she died. Did the same thing...just quit talking to her and didn't explain anything (why bother she wouldn't have listened or gotten it anyway). And it made me feel better. And I hate to say this but I felt such a sense of FREEDOM when she died too. I used to have nightmares about her before, but after she was gone they went away.....wonder why that is :rolleyes:

Anyway I'd say cut 'em off. They aren't going to change.

[Seshat]

I now have a baby. And a honey. I have caught myself repeating my parent's behavior with them. And I don't like it. So I'm trying to change it so my little son doesn't end up like me. Crappy childhood, bitch mother, absentee father...etc.

Both of my parents had abusive parents themselves.

Both of them struggled to avoid repeating that abuse. I respect them for that.

Both of them partly succeeded. I respect them for that, too.

But both of them partly failed, and continue to fail, and I've had to cut them out of my life. I regret that, because they DID try so hard, and are basically good people who mean well. They just won't notice or pay attention to the ways in which they continue to mistreat me. :( They're great with almost everyone else!

Anyway, my point here is: be VERY VERY CAREFUL, if you're a survivor of abuse or mistreatment and have children. Get professional help, let your family doctor know (if he's a good chap - and if he's not, why is he your doctor?), even be honest with your children about their grandparents (as age-appropriate).

And unlike my parents, if your adult children eventually tell you that they need to set boundaries, or that you're being unfair, or .. whatever; then please please take them seriously.

[blas]

I have to tell my boyfriend that he has a long lost sister somewhere.

I don't mean to joke or make fun of a serious thing, but the hysterics over nothing and the locking herself in the bathroom/bedroom thing, that's my bf's mother to a T! Oh, and the guilt trips of "If I don't feel better tomorrow, it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Plus, she's a huge enabler, just like the OP's mom is about the brother situation.

[Nonstop_Death]

I say cut off all ties. But if you really want to continue contact, set limits. And be prepared for one sentence I loathe, "Why should I change you're my kid you should change!"

Yes, I know it is really three sentences. Most, if not all the times I've heard it, it is spoken as one solitary sentence.

[protege]

Hey! MY FAMILY put the FUN in Dysfunctional.

My family wasn't dysfunctional. It's fucked up. That is, my parents can't stand each other, and argue constantly. Things aren't helped that they disagree about my brothers still living with them...and not lifting a finger to help them. That's usually enough to get my mother screaming. And yes, I have been chewed out by her for simply walking into the room during one of her outbursts :eek:

In fact, the constant yelling was one reason I moved out. I work in a noisy office, and coming home to that shit after a full day was enough. I simply couldn't get away from it. No sooner would I go upstairs to read...when someone would be screaming right outside my door! Pardon my French, but fuck that shit. 30 years of that was enough. I'm still close with my parents, but as soon as the screaming starts, I'm outta there.

But I do know that my brothers have cut ties with my father's side of the family--they actually *hate* my grandmother and aunt :eek: True, they're annoying as hell, but still.