Battle of Depression.

[Plaidman]

So. How do people do it.

I hear "Oh you just gotta go hang out with friends!"

Or "Go spend stuff on yourself!"

Or my personal favorite, "Just don't be depressed! DUH!"


Depression isn't that easy. If I could flip a goddamn switch, I would.

I'm trying hard to think of positive things about me, but when your also reminded as to why you suck everyday, it's not so easy.

The biggest problem in my life, other then lovelife of course, is my hip. It hurts. CONSTANTLY. Even when I'm swallowing perceopt, or morphine, or numerous ibrprofun with it, it just doesn't work and can sometimes dull it. As such, I'm rather cranky alot of times.

Portland Oregon was declared USA most depressed people again. Yippe. Unemployment is one of the highest in the country, along with suicide rates.

So, really, I can't walk much if at all anywhere. I don't have money to buy stuff. My ficitional writing has been declared as sucky from numerous people. The only real exersise I have lately is sword practice which is hard to do with hip, and juggling. That and numerous readings of my various medical books. That and sleep. I sleep every chance I get because it won't last long. I haven't gotten much six or eight hour straight sleep for a long time. Hell, I only slept as long as I did recently was with some massive sleeping pills, but that pain always wakes me.


I'm proud of all those people here that have that magical ability to just snap in their head to not be depress, and it works overnight. The last person I was close with told me to figure it out myself. (...yeah. Real nice of her).

So what do you people that had depression do to fix it?

[BookstoreEscapee]

"Just don't be depressed."

Ha.

I haven't quite figured it out myself, Plaid. I'll admit I don't have it as bad as others, and I'm grateful for that, but I don't know how to just "fix it".... I try to take care of myself, trying to eat better, be more active, but it's a struggle.

Do you see any kind of pain specialist for your hip? Chronic pain can be a big factor. A lot of doctors don't really know how to deal with it, and may simply overmedicate; or undermedicate because they're worried about the patient becoming addicted.

[Thuringwethyl]

So. How do people do it.

Or my personal favorite, "Just don't be depressed! DUH!"


Depression isn't that easy. If I could flip a goddamn switch, I would.



People who say that obviously have never experienced depression, otherwise they wouldn't say such an assinine thing. It takes time to crawl out of the downward spiral and every step is against the current. What helps for me (and my entire family has it so we all cope in different ways) is to make sure I use positive words when I'm describing myself, even in my thoughts.

Like instead of thinking "Oh my god how could I be so stupid?" if I misplace something switching to "Oh my god I'm so absentminded!". Words have power and, for me, if I think something often enough I will believe it. Hence less derogatory self-references. This may or may not work for you, though.

If depression was easily cured it wouldn't be around anymore but that's hardly the case, isn't it?

[Plaidman]

People who say that obviously have never experienced depression, otherwise they wouldn't say such an assinine thing.

I agree on that it isn't an easy path. But the people I know that say that, did have depression. (or so they claim). But then they heard some advice from someone way across the country, and that day they were magically better and happier. Of course they were unwilling to tell me what advice it was, other then "you just gotta figure it out and you'll be happy".


Some people battle it easier then others. It just seems mine is getting worst and worst every day, and I'm turning into even worst hateful creep then I was before.

[Exaspera]

IMHO your depression is compounded by the chronic pain you have. :(

[Imprl59]

Depression often has a medical side to it. It may very well be that you can't get over it without help. Have you talked to your doctor about it? It could be a reaction to some of the medication you are on and they can give you something to counteract it.

Really the only thing that works for me when I'm depressed is to go hang out with my friend that makes me laugh. I know that isn't much help though if you don't already have a person like that in your life. Do you have any hobbies that you could get more involved in to take your mind off of other things? Any places that you enjoy going that you can distract yourself with for a while?


Steve

[RetailWorkhorse]

*Plots a Course for the Rolling Fork*

Hmm, Albuquerque NM to Farmington NM, to Provo UT, to Salt Lake City UT, take a slight detour to the Grocery Store in Pocatello Idaho where Fulghum had his epiphany, then to Boise ID, take the I-5 exit towards City Center/Beaverton/Salem in OR, keep right.....

1,322 miles. Give or take about 30 for the detour and about 45 wandering around until I can find Plaid-Kitty.....

If my car gets 17 MPG I need about 77.75 gallons of gas, with a 20 gallon gas tank, I'd have to fill up about 4 times and at about 3$ a gallon.... about 234$ worth of gas for the Jeep.

Using the same math, the Rolling Fork gets about 6 MPG, I'll need 220 gallons, with a 35 gallon gas tank at $3 a gallon.... that's 660$.

None of that counts food at the truck stops, lodging (or "Wally World Dry Docking"), and wifi charges (because Flying J charges for their wifi) to keep everyone in the loop.

......

*Starts baking cookies for a bake-sale*

[Mishi]

If I knew, I'd tell you. Mine really did go away all of a sudden. I'm blaming the pregnancy hormones (from Bubbles) coupled with the realisation that JazzyBee, who was beginning to become quite independant, loves me because she wants to, not because it's a self-defence mechanism. That made it believable that Rugz really did love me and wasn't only around because he was stuck with me thanks to having kids together. The chain reaction started there and was compounded by my daughters being sooo damn cute. I can't feel bad about myself when JazzyBee is constantly telling me that I'm her very own superhero and Bubbles climbs up onto my lap for a hug the second I sit down. I wouldn't recommend having kids as a 'cure' for depression though, it's not fair to them if they're stuck with depressed parents.

[Pedersen]

Before any of this, keep this in mind: I was never diagnosed with clinical depression. I know that I was suicidal for a long time, to the point that I had my suicide note written out mentally, but never saw anybody specifically for depression. For me, the "snap out of it" came from two specific incidents. The "stop hating myself" came from a third. I have no idea if these will help you, or anybody else reading, though I can hope they will.

The incidents themselves are intensely personal. I prefer not to go into them unless I absolutely have to. Something to keep in mind as you read further: I am going to sound like an asshole. In fact, it's very likely everybody who reads this will call me just that. However, if you think about what I am saying, you will see that I am right, on all counts.

Once you realize that I'm right, you can apply these to yourself. This can't fix up any chemical imbalances, and it is no substitute for quality therapy. What it can do is give you a starting point, a path out of depression, as long as the depression is a purely psychological one. I hope it can help any of you.

First realization: I am not at fault when others make bad choices. They made the choice. Even if I have done something that could contribute to that choice, it was still their choice. They did it, not me.

It's an incredibly liberating feeling. Suddenly, the problems of the people around you are not your fault. You can help them with their problems, but you are not to blame for the choices they made.

What happens if you ignore this? You take away anybody else's ability to do anything without you, at least in your own mind. To provide a simple example, suppose a friend goes to lunch, and the restaurant he goes to is one that you know has health code problems, though your friend does not. You tell your friend, who ignores you, and goes anyway. He comes down with nasty food poisoning.

If you've ignored this realization, then your friend's food poisoning is your fault. You should have done something more to prevent it. You will blame yourself. You are refusing to acknowledge that your friend made the choice. In fact, by blaming yourself, you are saying that your friend went because of you. Without you, your friend might have chosen something else, and not become sick.

It all comes down to this: There is more than enough blame for all of the bad things in the world. Don't take more than your share..

I don't think I've explained it well, but I'm already entering "way too long" territory.

Second Realization: I am the most important person in my life. Without me, there would be no such thing as "my life".

If the first realization didn't have you calling me an asshole, this one will do it. Think about it. Did I really just say that I'm more important than everybody else? Yes, yes I did. I said it in a specific context though: I am the most important person in my life. No matter what else happens, I must take care of me, first, before I can take care of anybody else.

It's like being on an airplane. If the cabin depressurizes, and those masks drop down, I can either try to help someone else get their mask on, or get my own mask on. Well, in that situation, I'm losing air, too. I can't breathe either. I might manage to get lucky enough to help one other person get their mask on, maybe. On the other hand, if I get my own mask on, I'll be breathing normally. Now I don't have to worry about my air, and I can help everybody around me that I can reach.

Without me, there is no "my life". Without me, there is no way I can do anything for anybody else. So, yes, I really am the most important person in my life.

Third Realization: This one is the hardest one to work through. Make no mistake, you must work through it, too. You have to know the answer to two questions (and, if you're a Babylon 5 fan, you're going to recognize them).

Who are you? What do you want?

If you don't know those answers, I don't believe you will be able to be happy. When you know them, you are able to work towards your goal, and you are able to do so within what you can do. If you don't know them, you will only be able to flounder about like a fish out of water. On occasion, you may get something that will help for a little bit, but doubtful that that will be enough to keep you happy for any length of time. To use the same fish analogy: Your flapping about landed you in a puddle of water. Now what?

For the first question, who are you? Keep these things in mind: I did not ask you for your name. I did not ask you for your ancestry. I did not ask you for your skills, your hopes, your fears. They are merely small pieces of you. I asked you who you are. Answer that question.

For the second question, what do you want? I don't mean "Well, I want a new 60" Plasma TV with 7.1 surround sound, a new $250,000 sports car, etc". I mean this: What would you sell your soul for? What matters so much to you that an eternity in hell would seem like a small price to pay, as long as you got it?

Answer both of those questions honestly and completely. And remember this: There's no essay here. There's no grade. There's no passing, no failing. The stakes are much higher. The stakes are the happiness you will be able to experience in life itself.

In Conclusion: Yes, finally. I don't know if these can help anybody else. They helped me tremendously, though. Hopefully, they can help pull someone at least a little bit of the way out of depression.

It's not easy. But it is worth it. I remember watching a movie a long time ago (Se7en, if you must know), and a quote was referenced. I think the quote is very relevant here:

"The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it.
" -- Ernest Hemingway, For Whom The Bell Tolls, 1940

[Whiskey]

Make a point to stop talking negatively about yourself constantly.

[Riesie]

Keep writing, if you enjoy the process - just do it for yourself, not other people.

When I feel overwhelmed, I get a pen and bit of paper and just write down all the things that are bothering me, and why. I tend to write as quickly as i can, and when I hit the bottom of the page, I just go back up to the top and write over what I've already put down on the page. Then, when I run out of steam I tear up the paper into as many little bits as I can, or destroy it some other way (although I think that dates more from sharing a room with a very nosy little sister, it is quite cathartic).

[Kheldarson]

In my case, I finally went and talked to the FNP at my medical center and she gave me a prescription that I took over the winter. My realization was that I hated being on meds, that I didn't like the other side effects (like I gave up writing entirely while I was on the pills. Just couldn't care enough), so I wanted to fix it. Still haven't fixed it entirely, but I'm off the pills at least. And I definitely agree with Pedersen's second realization. If you don't put yourself first, who will?

[Der Cute]

Plaidy:

It's possible you DO have organic depression. I'd also be looking at the side effects of those drugs as a possible downer. And the pain compounding it all.

If you're under state care (IIRC) I want you to hobble over to your PCP and get a referral for a psych doc and a chronic pain doc. And start LOUDLY whining about your hip. I mean, hell, you need an advocate for it. (tangent sorry)

OK.
You are a good person. I can hear it in your writings. I can hear the compassion and care you have. You give people chances, hoping they'll see the light..and sometimes they do, sometimes not. But you give.

At the same time, you seem to have a pattern of negative thoughts. Seshat recommended MoodGYM online. I like it. I"m using it right now, and I've found myself a little bit better about my issues.

Most often to conquer negativity thoughts and behavior, Cognitive Behavior Therapy is used. Since docs cant wave their fingers at you and cast spells, you the patient need to work on yourself. I will remind you that as a person with chronic depression and anxiety and shit :) the best way to fix ME up is to use drugs for the brain, psych therapy for the rewiring, and homework for reinforcement.

But you're clouded with pain. *hugs* and I'm sorry. There are 3 docs you need to see: PCP for referral to pain specialist, the referral to psych doc, and the pcp on FIX MY GOD DAMN HIP YOU SONSABITCHES.

There is no cure for depression, unless it's a Situational Depression (aka my dog died, my cat died, my mom died, my job place burnt down). Those can be treated with drug and therapy and they dissolve pretty easily. Yours? IDK. I seriously wonder if you have dysthymia (low level depression, chronic) or are angry about the pain/leg issue. And so, you need doc help.

While you're waiting for the red tape @ Doctors office, go to the MoodGym and work on your thinking a bit.

Oh, and eat dark chocolate. Gives you a seratonin high.

Also up your Vitamin D (you live in the PNW!) and your B6 and Omega 3/6/9. NatureMade, the yellow label is at Wally and Target...easy to get and easy to use.
Start those this week, and keep a journal somewhere about how you feel. Daily if you can, but weekly at the most. You'll need reminders to take to the doc about your issues.

Hugs man.
I really really wish your leg would behave.

Cutenoob

[Squeaksmyalias]

Plaidy!
I think you are awesome cause you can juggle! Really, I think that is really awesome, I can't do that and you can, that is awesome.

You want to write, write for yourself. Screw everyone else, I write things all the time, I mentioned that last night. No one else reads it, they might not like it, but it gets the idea off my head, it distracts me. So who cares what other people think about my writing.

I agree with Whiskey, you can't think so negatively, I said that last night too. I kept having to stop myself from saying those negative things. I know it's hard, it's like your brain is playing the same words over and over and over and you can't find the stop button. Sometimes you have to say to yourself damn it! I want to be happy right now so shut up. Or you can say shut up cause Squeaks and Whiskey say so. What ever helps.

Remember you got me and a bunch of other nice people on here.

[Midnight12]

going to add to this via personal experience.

yeah those who don't suffer depression or can easily "snap out of it" haven't experienced depression like those who do.
No you cannot just snap out of it.
As many people have already given advice and how to deal with it its....well how can I say. its different for everyone.

For me its like walking through a cloudy fog or as if my head isn't on right. Some days the fog is so think I just run on automatic and only give smiles to daughter. Some days the fog is barely there and I'm who I think I should be, the nice cheery person who I was in school.
Each day is different and for me if I have an ok day thats just ok. Yeah i know it sounds cheesy. I've had bad days i've had miserable days i've had days i wish i was dead and just may act on it but don't for many personal reasons. so from remembering the worst days having an ok day is better than bad day. I've had good days and great and the rare awesome days.

I take it one day at a time because it changes throughout the day i could wake up feeling good but go to bed pissed off or crying. And yeah the pain affects ALOT of how you are. (i would ask or find a way to at least relieve some of the pressure on the hip since the whole surgery thing is a big deal having read your post on that) Any kind of relief even if temporary might help as I can imagine every day in constant pain to some varying degrees.

how to deal with it, find something to do be it reading, writing - who gives a shit what other people say about your writing its what YOU think about it. and if you think its bad there are ways to improve it - or just something to take your mind off the issue for the moment. keep busy even if its doing chores, find something to do if possible. text your buddies, something. Or talk to people who wouldn't mind.
easier said than done but its a start. for me if i can get my daughter to laugh if for a second it makes things a little bit better.

so yes depression sucks but it also helps to talk to other people who have dealt with it than those who give you such responses as snap out of it. because they don't know. they don't have chemical imbalance, or bipolar or long term depression issues, they haven't been on the underside of that silver lined cloud so what would they know? Good that they are cheerful but it also keeps them a bit jaded imho. (kind of hard to help someone when you don't understand what they are going through)

[Magpie]

Is there anything that you feel good about? I mean, in times when you're letting yourself feel good, is there something that doing it will make you feel better? Find a way to do that. Even better, find a way to force yourself to do it. This is what I meant when I commented on volunteering. It was incentive to get out and do stuff that helped me, because left to my own devices I wouldn't have done it.

[Plaidman]

Holy crap there is alot of responses. I was mostly putting this up for everything to add for others facing depression, not just me.
I want to thank you all. Really. I know that I've been incredibly annoying and assholesh lately, and none of you ever deserve that, so I do want
to say I'm very sorry for all the drama I've been bringing. I'm honestly, swear, trying to get over this. But thank you.
Hopefully it'll change sooner, rather then later. At least my hip problem. If that goes away, and I get a girl, then world will finally be color
rather then the pitch black hateful place it is.





EXASPERA: Very likely. It's made me alot more snappy lately, even over small things. I've dealt with it
fine for years, its only now it's to where I can't ignore it or take asprin.


Imprl59: I've been on several antedepressents over the past couple years. They all seem to have strange
and adnormal side effects, none that really make me positive or even feel better. I've zombie like, I'm
even more wierder. some made my already poor impulse control go even lesser. As for friends, I have few
and none can visit me or hang out for very long. Talking on the phone drives me nuts, because various
people are texting me at same time, and bad hearing. Going places could be an option. Just have to figure
where.

RetailWorkhorse: AWwww! I wish we could hang. But I'd drive ya nuts. Thank you though. (Send cookies)


MISHI: .... I know kids are not a cure for depression. I also want kids. I've been told by people whos
own kids I've babysit that I'd be a great father. Part of my depression is I can't have kids.

Pedersen: Your not an asshole at all. Your trying to help. It's true that I do alot of worrying about your
first one. Especally at school lately, where students don't do the work, and it's like GAH! It's this!
Why are you not studying! Do something! STOP TALKING on your cell! GAH!. And while I don't blame others
for doing criminal acts, I blame myself if I can't stop it. Pound some sense in them, or better yet just
get them arrested nad face justice for their harmful acts on others and maybe they'll learn not to do it!
They piss me off some damn much! Seriously. Why do you ahve to hit them? Why do you have to rob others!
Oh my god! My family didn't hug me ether, and I don't belive that's an excuse to rob and murder! Make the
right choice already.... (I'll shut up on that).
Your second part does make sense. I did read what you say when you said in your life, not in the world.
The driving force in my life is that I don't feel important to myself, and if I die to help someone else
live? or to not feel harm? Or even to get their priceless heirlooms back? Then I'll do it with a smile.
Who am I? .... A dork. A geek. A incredible stubborn person when it comes to some things in morality. What do I want?
A family. Pretty much all I ever wanted.

WHISKEY: This is the first place in my life, where I wasn't constantly insulted over everything. After so many decades
of being told that I wasn't anything but a piece of shit, as much as I try, I can't get that out of my head. I'm still working
on it. It's... just so second nature.

RIESIE: ... I want others to read my writing. I want others to like it. I want it to be a part of it.
but it's pretty crappy, even my fantasy writing sucks, which is one of my great loves. If I had an admiral, or
even a postive review, I'd feel better.

CUTENOOB: ...yeah. Time to go back to my pill doctor again, see if he has any ideas for a better antidepressent. I already
seeing my therapist bimonthly now. ....
But... thanks for the compliments. (I been taken vitimin D pills, but it's still low even though I take what I'm prescribed).
I've been depress far longer then how long my pain been. (well, physical pain).

Squeaksmyalias: .... I know. This place is awesome and full of caring people. I never thought I'd find
that, but it happen. Even if I annoying and piss off people here, they're still here.

Magpie:
What makes me feel good? It use to be playing dungeons and dragons. Now, not so much. No RPG makes me feel
good. Not even video game ones, where I was lost in for years. My legos, which were my best friends for years
I don't have energy to build. So very little intrests me. I'm trying to learn some things. Trying to save
what I can for a blacklight. (I always liked glow in the dark stars to put on walls cept they don't make any good ones anymore
just this plastic crap that needs a wierd plasticglue thing, and they tend to fall off all the time
, and a black light been my dream).

Even Batman and comics in general bore me. Which I was really hoping wouldn't happen, but such is life.


Thanks again to all that gave responses.

[r2cagle]

One step at a time, Plaidman... one step at a time.

The worst depression I've had has been medication induced. So you definitely need to understand that your intense chronic pain compounded by medication on top of a pre-disposition toward depression is a major hurdle.

I echo everyone's advice... journal your day so you can find your triggers and maybe even the causes (i.e. worse in the evening after taking this medicine, etc). And it is hokey and cliche to say, 'change the way you think, only you can find the answers, blah blah'... but it is true. Read lots of joke books, and humorous stories. Find the funniest joke for every situation you can think of and reread them when that situation occurs. Or better yet, start studying them as if you are going to be a professional comedian. Try them out on your friends and fellow students. It's a good zing when you can get other people to laugh.

I find that I have to wake every morning and tell myself, "Today is going to be a good day". When I don't do that mantra, I have a really crappy day. But that isn't because everything goes wrong, it could be a perfect day and if I choose to be grumpy...I'm going to have a bad day. And I used to get angry when driving because of other stupid drivers not paying attention...now, I focus on me and the road, and if someone is in such a big hurry to get around, I let them. (Today is not my day to die, so have at it) That's my point... it's all about choice. But in order to stay happy, you have to choose to let things go. Yes, things happen and you have every right to be upset, pissed, sad, etc.... but, it takes practice to keep saying, 'this too shall pass, and it won't matter in X years'. Not a magic cure, but at least it's a way of keeping yourself leveled out until the rest of your problems get solved or fixed.

Keep on, keeping on Big Guy!

[BookstoreEscapee]

Holy crap there is alot of responses.

And you're surprised at this?

[Seshat]

1. People who are depressed with the type of depression caused by unhelpful thinking CAN 'snap out of it' if they learn to correct the unhelpful thinking. This is what apparently happened to Pederson.

I don't know if that's technically called 'clinical depression' or not, but regardless, it works. Moodgym (http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome) is one technique for correcting unhelpful thinking. The overall category is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.


2. Chronic pain changes the neurochemistry of the patient. This altered neurochemistry can cause anxiety and depression. (Think about it: an animal is injured - therefore it can't fight or flee as well. What is the smartest thing for it to do? Be afraid, and find somewhere to hide and be quiet. What emotions will cause that? Anxiety and depression.)

Plaid, you may have other neurochemical reasons to be depressed as well.


3. Your (Plaid's) circumstances are enough to make anyone depressed. Some of those circumstances are correctable. Some are not.

One psychologist told me that I'm not expected to be a saint. That adapting to my illness DID include having times when I wanted to scream at God "WHY ME!" Having times when I was angry, or miserable, or wanted to throw everything valuable and fragile that I own just to let the hurt out.

Proper adaption apparently includes kind of accepting it most of the time, and venting the anger and misery and frustration in a harmless way the rest of the time. (I have an emotions sketchbook. Sometimes the pictures are pretty. Sometimes they're not. One page is scrawled with the word 'hate' all over it.)




Plaid,

I think you need a three-pronged approach, if not a four-pronged approach.

Prong 1: helpful thinking.
Moodgym, or working one-on-one with a psychologist, or anything at all to help you think in ways that will help make you more functional.

Not that previous ways of thinking are 'wrong', they're just 'unhelpful' or 'non-functional'.


Prong 2: medication.
Whether to counter the chronic-pain-induced anxiety and depression, or to counter something else in your neurochemistry, or what, I don't know. Your family doctor may need to send you to a specialist psychiatrist to get the right meds.


Prong 3: improve your circumstances.
ANYTHING at all is helpful. Tidying your house. Putting bright curtains up. Think about what makes you comfortable, and arrange for that comfort in your own life.
If you can make big changes, that's good too. But little changes are more feasible, and a better starting place.


Prong 4: being proud.
Do something to be proud of and happy with. Or notice the things you already do.

You give advice here. Be proud of that. You try to make peoples' lives better. Be proud of that. When you make an appointment with the doctor, be proud of actually doing that. When you make changes in your living conditions, be proud of that.

Notice the things you do, and be proud of them.

If you can't muster up the emotion, muster up the thought 'I am proud of this'. Or if you can't quite think it, say it. Or write it. Or even 'I should be proud of this'. Or even 'Seshat thinks I should be proud of this'.



I believe that that four-pronged approach will help you, Plaid. It may not cure you, but it will bring you up from the depths of the depression spiral.

And I believe that every depressed person can be helped by one or more of those prongs.

[Der Cute]

Who am I? .... A dork. A geek. A incredible stubborn person when it comes to some things in morality. What do I want?
A family. Pretty much all I ever wanted.

Heh. Well, honey, you get working on it.

When I was 23-24, I got really really fucking tired of taking the bus/walking/taxis all around the city. My seizures weren't controlled enough to drive, and I finally said, I AM TIRED OF THIS SHIT.

It took me one night of bawling my eyes out to accept that I had E and that I might not get where I wanted to. Then I set my sights on the Ultimate Goal: DRIVE CAR. To do it, I had to control the sz, to really work on my pill-schedule, and to not screw around.

And, it took me awhile, but I got the Letter Of OK from Doc - after 12 mos with no sz. And got a license after that, and before I knew it, I had my car paid off!!!

Look: I had to be brutally honest with myself. I had to write out goals in a step by step manner and check them off as I went.

Technically, some people would consider me handicapped due to the meds /Epilepsy etc. But I've broken through it.

Do you want the family? Then what would it take to get it? How? THAT'S what you need to talk to the psych person about. AFTER you go get the pain specialist help. AND after you've yelled at the doctors and state - you're at risk of becoming addicted to pain pills - they'd rather have you stoned than coherent? (I'm pissed myself at this)

Hugs, man. The last time I juggled ANYTHING was in Jr. High - it was scarves.

Cutenoob

[Seshat]

Your genetic family is an accident.

Your real family can be friends. My real family is my two loves, and a fluid network of friends who I sometimes see regularly, sometimes not for years.

They care about me more effectively than my blood relatives ever have.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Your genetic family is an accident.

Your real family can be friends. My real family is my two loves, and a fluid network of friends who I sometimes see regularly, sometimes not for years.

They care about me more effectively than my blood relatives ever have.

I'm your family Plaid. You don't scare me, I'd hug you.
My dad's side of the family wished I was never born, my grandmother made that clear. With my Mom's side I barely get noticed and I'm the black sheep because of how different I am from them.
Me and you, we are the same. We understand each other, we can be family, now you have a younger sister!

[trailerparkmedic]

What fixed my depression? The first time it was a lot of therapy, medication and moving out on my own. The second time took some short term medication and therapy.

If the only reason you don't like medication is because you've had some crappy side effects, don't give up. I lost track of the number of meds I tried before something worked without making me feel terrible (though I did want to stay on Zoloft, it worked ok and I never ate so I was getting skinny... too bad my doctor didn't think it was healthy :p) but getting on the med that helped me was seriously life changing. It helped me with my day to day life and gave me enough energy/concentration/etc to use my therapy to attack my problems.

If it's difficult to make frequent trips to the doctor, see if you can get precriptions for two meds at a time so that if one isn't working you can discontinue it and start the other one sooner.

I really, really, really hope you're in therapy and taking it seriously. If medication was life changing, I can't even explain how life changing therapy was, and I haven't been through a tenth the crap you have.

I get a girl, then world will finally be color
rather then the pitch black hateful place it is.


I'll repeat this again and again--I know you crave love and faceless online people aren't enough. That's not a bad thing. I just hope you realize significant others don't solve things.
For quite awhile I used men to fill holes in my life. Sometimes it was random men I met at the bar. Sometimes it was people I knew better. None of the relationships were healthy. I got very hurt in some of those relationships (to the point I needed to go to therapy the second time). The only relationships that I've been in that made me feel good are ones that I started when I was mentally healthy. I made better choices in men and saw warning signs far sooner.

[Whiskey]

I'll repeat this again and again--I know you crave love and faceless online people aren't enough. That's not a bad thing. I just hope you realize significant others don't solve things.
For quite awhile I used men to fill holes in my life. Sometimes it was random men I met at the bar. Sometimes it was people I knew better. None of the relationships were healthy. I got very hurt in some of those relationships (to the point I needed to go to therapy the second time). The only relationships that I've been in that made me feel good are ones that I started when I was mentally healthy. I made better choices in men and saw warning signs far sooner.

Do not get into a relationship until you are mentally healthy. It will not "fill the world with color." A romantic relationship will not fix any of your problems.

Also,
I used men to fill holes
Heh.

[RetailWorkhorse]

RetailWorkhorse: AWwww! I wish we could hang. But I'd drive ya nuts. Thank you though. (Send cookies)

Aww, he thinks I'm kidding when I said I plotted the way to Portland.

I'M COMING TO PORTLAND.

As soon as I have the money to get up there. I want to visit Seattle.

[Whiskey]

Aww, he thinks I'm kidding when I said I plotted the way to Portland.

I'M COMING TO PORTLAND.

As soon as I have the money to get up there. I want to visit Seattle.

I have family in bend.

[RetailWorkhorse]

I have family in bend.

Shall we go torture them with bacon goodness? :D

[dalesys]

I have family in bend.
Lends a whole new frisson to the concept "Let's get bent.":p

Aww, he thinks I'm kidding when I said I plotted the way to Portland.

If you come through Salt Lake you can get pastrami-burgers...:angel:

[RetailWorkhorse]

Pastramiiiiiiiiii!

*Drools*

[Mytical]

Some good things to have/know when battling depression

A support group. People you can talk to who won't judge you, and you can just let go in front of. My PM door is always open. Yell, scream, cry, I won't judge..but I will listen.

Realize that depression is an Illness. Some people get 'down' occasionally and think they know depression. It may not be something you can fight on your own. Be willing to accept this. Medication might be needed, or therapy. It is NOT you or your fault. It is a medical problem!

Write. Even if you are an absolute horrible writer, write. Sharing that darkness, makes it less dark. Even if it is to nothing more then a piece of paper, or word processor. Even if you delete it or burn it right after. Write.

All the above will help, a little..but don't expect it to be a cure all. Have somebody you can call when things just get too bad. Anybody..and talk.

Socialize. Yes, believe it or not..even if you dread it, fear it, or don't feel like it..having people around you can help.

Know that you are not alone, even if we can't be right beside you. It's better if you can find people who CAN be right beside you, however.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Socialize. Yes, believe it or not..even if you dread it, fear it, or don't feel like it..having people around you can help.


This is definitely one I have to work on. Dread, fear...sounds about right...:(

[Seshat]

Hopefully it'll change sooner, rather then later. At least my hip problem. If that goes away, and I get a girl, then world will finally be color rather then the pitch black hateful place it is.

I missed this.

Plaid, I hate to ruin your dream - I really, really do - but as you know, I have both a husband and a wife; and the world is still not colour for me.

Yes, they are what keeps me going. But what made the biggest difference recently was not them themselves, but the pain management program. (Admittedly, they helped me find it, supported me through it, and are helping me maintain the physiotherapy and OT and so forth that the program prescribed.)

Another person is not the solution. Other people can help with the solution, but they are not *the* solution.

Next month I have a psychiatric appointment. We'll work on stronger meds than my family doctor feels comfortable prescribing, and see where that gets us. Unfortunately, the psychologist I tried didn't work out (she was an absolute FLAKE about turning up to appointments!), so we're going to have to try again with an -ologist.

A - my wife - is VERY confident that the psych work will take me up to 'seeing in colour'. The pain management course changed my life from pitch black to shades of grey, so ... cross fingers.


My main point here, though, is that other people - loves, family, etc - are not a solution. They're partners to help you find solutions, but they are not, in and of themselves, solutions.

I've heard this belief called 'Cinderella syndrome'. Helpless little Cinderella waits around for a Handsome Prince to fix her life. She COULD do so many things. She could go out and find herself a husband for herself. She could go out and take a job elsewhere: by the time the story starts, she's fully capable of running a house on her own, including lady's maid duties! If the house was left to her, she could even go find a lawyer, claim the house, and kick her stepmother and stepsisters out. She could feed her stepmother the business end of the broom.

Don't fall into Cinderella syndrome, Plaid. You are your own handsome prince. Fix your own life, one bit at a time. :)

[Whiskey]

I've heard this belief called 'Cinderella syndrome'.

I had Cinderella Syndrome badly. I grew up similar, so much so my grandma went from calling me Cinderella to a more pop culture-esque 'harry potter', and it just stuck. Finally I realized, all the relationships, the turmoil, the being rescued only meant I was dependent on someone else for.. something. I wasn't even happy.

You know what makes me happy? Paying my god drat rent. Putting gas in my car. Going to get a matching wall cabinet for my bathroom. Weird, right? You know what they have in common right now? I have to ask zero permission for shit. I don't have to ask for money, I don't have to coordinate my schedule, I don't have to worry about anything but me. When my ducks are in a row, i'll worry about someone else too, but right now I am the most important thing in my life. You need to be the most important thing in yours. People are unstable, you can't rely on someone else being happy to make you happy.

[Seshat]

And that's a freedom I have to envy. I can't do that.

Sure, I don't have to ask for permission, but me and D and A needs to have overall agreement for all non-essential expenditure. And in tight times, for essential expenditure as well.

People often don't talk about the down-side of relationships, even the happy ones. It exists. For every lonely Saturday night a singleton has, there's a frustrating Saturday night someone in a couple/group has where they just want a quiet night but the living room is occupied by their loves watching Kingdom Hospital. Loudly.

Or the money you'd counted on to get your new (and needed) bras is suddenly spent on a broken tooth. And not yours, either.

Or SOMEONE used up all the hot water. Or left the toilet seat up/down. Or let the unused pasta get dried up and stuck in the pot. Or....

Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't give them up! But every choice in life has its for and its against.

[Taboo]

Hey, Plaid. I saw this before and have actually been putting off on replying to it because... well, I'm incredibly depressed right now myself, and I'm not sure I'm really able to give much good advice right now. That said though, I'm pulling for you and hoping things improve.

Seshat and Whiskey both have really good advice.

*hugs*

[BookstoreEscapee]

I'm reading this book at the moment:
Undoing Depression: What Therapy Doesn't Teach You and Medication Can't Give You (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Undoing-Depression/Richard-OConnor-PhD/e/9780316043410/?itm=2&USRI=undoing+depression+what+therapy+doesn%27t+tea ch) by Richard O'Connor. The latest edition just came out in January of this year (I've had it since then but just started reading it this past week).

This is the author's website. http://www.undoingdepression.com/


I'm not far enough into it to say if it'll help, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

[Iris Kojiro]

Good luck, Plaidman. Depression is hard to deal with, and I've dealt with it for a while too. It takes a lot of courage to admit you need help.

I'm calling my doctor now, who I haven't seen in about four years (for a well visit). This is scary, I must admit...

ETA: Crap...I just realized I was a necromancer and bumped an old thread. Sorry!

[Plaidman]

It's fine Iris Kojiro.

I'm still keeping an eye on it.

I'm even on new meds, though it hasn't quite kick in. Even had some nice PM's with other members.

I'm still depress at times. Mostly at two things now rather then the world. Though world still makes me angry alot.

[patiokitty]

ETA: Crap...I just realized I was a necromancer and bumped an old thread. Sorry!

This is actually a good old thread to bump, in my opinion, and I'm glad you did!

I don't often visit this side of the boards but today I did and this thread caught my eye again. It's made me realize (yet again) what a great online community this place really is.

Like so many others in this thread I deal with depression and yes, I've been diagnosed as such by both my GP and a psychiatrist. I've been on Zoloft and some other meds I can't even remember the names of. I no longer take any pills because I can't stand the side effects. Instead I do my best to keep busy and try to think positively. It doesn't always help but I do my best.

Slowly, as the years have gone by, I've started figuring out where some of the sources of my depression stem from and started removing myself from toxic situations and relationships. It's helped more than I expected it would but then in the process I've also removed the negative ninnies from my life, the worst offender being my mother. Oh, I love her but I can't stand being around here...especially when she starts going on about how I've done nothing with my life, blah blah blah, and ragging on me because she can't understand why I'd be depressed. All this coming from a woman who spent a year of her life committed to the local loony bin and was addicted to Valium for several years. Huh. Go figure.

Over time I've learned that even if I don't feel like I'm worth much that there are people out there that think otherwise and remind me on a regular basis that I'm worth something. And the people here are awesome at reminding people that they're worth something too. It's a large part of the reason I stick around even though I don't post often.

Personally, I think just getting out of bed in the morning is a positive achievement. Going out the door to check my mailbox is a positive achievement. And considering that I'm starting on my fourth year of university as a mature student (in age only, because let me tell you I can act as immature as the next fresh-out-of-highschool person), on track to completing my BA in English with a double minor in Folklore and History, with an 18 year old son that is starting at the same university in the Engineering Department...well, I think I've done pretty good so far. So what if I'm not working at the moment? I'm still accomplishing something...although I can't tell you how often I've contemplated just throwing in the towel on the whole thing.

Yeah, I'm single and it sucks at times but then I already know that I don't need a partner to be whole. I need only myself for that...and it took me a very long time to realize that.

I'm still working on making myself whole and at 37 you'd figure I'd have fixed myself by now. Yeah, not so lucky, but I keep trying. Baby steps, and sometimes it's a case of one step forward, two steps back and it's a struggle to keep going...but I try my best. Even if it means a week or longer in the depths of depression because I feel like a failure. What usually gets me going again is the realization that if I could kick a massive coke habit (clean for 14 years, folks) then anything else is minor.

But depression? Yep, I struggle with it too and I know it's all an uphill battle, especially for somebody like me that refuses to touch meds. Add to that the fact that I am also ADHD and deal with dyscalculia (math learning disability) and other assorted things I thinks it's a damn miracle that I haven't jumped off a bridge yet. Besides, with my luck I wouldn't die anyways...I guess I'm too much of a bitch for that to happen.

[Magpie]

I'm still depress at times. Mostly at two things now rather then the world. Though world still makes me angry alot.

Hey, you're down to two things from the entire world. That sounds like a good step. When "Walter" found one type of anti-depressants that actually worked for him he was still angry all the time (perhaps more often). Thank you for keeping us updated :).

[Iris Kojiro]

(clean for 14 years, folks) .

Congratulations on being clean for so long. I can't say that I've had to battle an addiction that strong...I could not imagine how tough that was.

As far as pills go, I'm hoping to take pills for only a while...I've never taken a med that wasn't an antibiotic or a vitamin. Perhaps the pills will jump-start the brain and everything else will come natural. Or so I hope. I have an appointment set for the end of the week, so we'll see what happens.

[Seshat]

In some depressive cases, the pills can be a temporary thing. In others, it's more as if the pancreas isn't making insulin - you need the insulin, you have to get it from somewhere, and if your body doesn't make it, you need to get it from outside.

Be prepared to accept that you may need to take meds your whole life; and be prepared to accept that you might not. You and your psychiatrist will work out which type you are.

(Unfortunately, this can't be done by blood test - there's a special filter inside the skull that ensures the brain's blood supply and the body's blood supply are chemically different. Short of drilling a hole in the skull, there's no way to check your brain chemistry directly. A lot of psychiatry is still informed guesswork, it's just much more informed than it was half a century ago.)

[Maximillion]

Hello Mr. Plaid :wave:

I myself have been going through a rut. I feel depressed and it's like a roller coaster sometimes. I can't afford therapy so I don't even know if it's clinical depression or me just being extremely moody. I'm moving in a month to another state to stay with my boyfriend and I'm a little scared. I was there for a week in July. I know it's risky but if I don't go i'll feel like I'm missing out on one of the greatest adventures of my life.

Also, I'm knee deep in medical bills that have already been sent to collections because I'm too chickenshut to call and make payment arrangements. It seems very immature but it's true. I also have tow ankles that are always in pain. The right one I twisted when I was 8 and the left one I sprained when I was 19 then sprained it again right before my 21st birthday. Since I only got medical attention for the second sprain, they both plague me daily. Though it isn't at all like the pain you're experiencing with your hip, it's still pain and walking long distances is hard for me now.

I finally had them looked at yesterday only for the doctor to tell me I'm overworking my ankles. (I work at least 5 graveyard shifts a week, at least 3 back-to-back. This week is 5 in a row because the other graveyard person has company coming in. Lucky bastard but anyway...) they gave me a light duty note that will piss off my GM because I'm the most reliable graveyard person she's got right now.

I don't know much about you since I was inactive for a very long time until recently, but I can tell you have a big heart and it breaks mine to see anyone in pain. Seeing so much support from evewyone should be a sign right there. Even if you can't see us and vice versa, we care. everyone is deserving of love and kindness, no matter the situation. I'm probably not making much sense but I want you to know I believe in you. You're going to end up on top of this though it will take time.


And believe me, relationships will only do so much for how you feel. They aren't the answer. Though my boyfriend is very supportive, his physical absence makes things difficult for me.


I'm always around to PM if you want. It'll give me a good reason to sit my ass down at work like the doctor suggested.

Hope this helps.