I just got the Off Meds Phone Call

[Whiskey]

I've given this advice and it just came back to hit me. I have a friend who knows my deal and she called me today.

Apparently I've been mean and snappy. "Self abusive" with a short fuse. There was a whole debacle with my meds and I havent been on them for "9 days" according to her.

So tomorrow shes coming over to take me to my doctor to sort it out and then going to the pharm with me to pick them up.


Not a phone call you want to get. I feel crazier than usual.

[Seshat]

:hug:

Good for you for having this arrangement, Whiskey.

And good on you for taking care of yourself and going to see your doctor about this.

I wish you the best.

[Whiskey]

Well, for some reason, someone at a pharm (i use[d] 2) screwed up. I had three refills, but someone labeled it as NO refills. I went to my doc the day I was out (refill day) and they rewrote it for the wrong amount. So I just went "eh, ill wait till payday" which is 2pm on the 22nd. I could have gotten it filled for the wrong amount in the mean time but blah blah bad with money had fun instead and just didnt do it.

Theres an issue with my script every month for some reason and I just lost the interest with the job stress and everything. I don't even really care but she'll show up tomorrow regardless of if I care of not.

[Seshat]

She's a good friend.

I care too, Whiskey. If you're anything like A, you NEED those meds.

[BookstoreEscapee]

It's good you have a friend who pays attention and will do that for you. :)

[Whiskey]

I called out of work today. no ifs ands or buts, i'm not mentally fit to really be in public, let alone deal with them. Im of sound mind, but just barely. My job harrassed me with phone calls and texts incessantly, even after my COUNSELOR got on the phone and told them I was not fit to come to work, period.

Now I feel like the world is disintegrating.

edit: called out of work FIVE HOURS before my shift.

[Whiskey]

a "restricted" number just called me. ITS AFTER MIDNIGHT. I can't prove it was them unless they're stupid enough to leave a voicemail. It was a joke title in MIM when I said "obsessively stalked" but now its starting to feel real. Im afraid to go to work tomorrow what the hell

[Seshat]

"now I feel like the world is disintegrating"

Okay Whiskey. I'm now officially concerned. Your counsellor and your good friend are helping you through this, yes? Please, please stick with them, let them support you and help you.

PM me if you need someone who understands to babble at. You know I'm personally anxiety/depressive, and my love A is schizoaffective: I understand the need sometimes for someone to just be a sounding board. PM your other friends here, too - whoever you're most comfortable with.

Please try to remember that some of the worst of your feelings are caused by the neurochemical problems, and that once your meds have picked up again, the world will be back in one piece.

[Whiskey]

Going to drive up to the labor board today. I can't deal with the kind of harassment I got last night, especially for the state I was in, mentally. Its unacceptable normally, it was cruelty last night. I don't even remember most of the night, apparently I left my car unlocked with my purse in it. I activated my check card (which i DO NOT DO) and spent money. Thankfully, I didn't empty my bank account like I usually do.

[Seshat]

Whiskey, hon, you probably don't want to hear this; but that sounds like my dear A when she's in a manic state.

Let your friend look after you. Please. Let your counsellor help you too.

[Whiskey]

I'm better today. Taking my pills and everything. I went to work. The labor board (see gen work chat) said everything my job is doing is legal so my old boss is going to call his lawyer-brother and see what he says. I'm working out a schedule with another coworker (the only other closer) since we're both full time students starting in the fall (end of august).

Oh and it turns out theres a guy willing to close and was BEGGING for more hours. He closed last night with absolutely zero complaint.

[Seshat]

I'm better today. Taking my pills and everything.

Good. :)

Please keep us informed till the crisis has passed, but .. phew. Thank you.


And still PM someone if you need/want to.

[Whiskey]

how do i stop spending money? I made something like six grand in 2 months and its all gone. ALL OF IT. It didn't go to debt, it didn't go to a new car, it went to.. nothing. It just evaporated. A lot of it went to eating out because I was working 90+ hours a week, but not six grand worth of food. I live within my means because I dont give myself the means to live beyond them. I have my one (cut up) secured credit card with a 300$ limit and I make like 1k a month now. I need savings. I need all of it. But every time I'm down (or up) I spend money. I feel like crap if I don't burn though my money. I have no savings, no safety net, I barely have a car. I need to stop spending but I can't figure out how.

I didn't want to make a new thread because I make too many threads.

[TelephoneAngel]

how do i stop spending money?
I didn't want to make a new thread because I make too many threads.

I wouldn't worry about that, I make loads of new threads! lol! glad you're feeling better.

Why not make the spending into a game? only take out the very minimum you need, and then see how little of it you can spend.

or, if you must spend money, but lots of little things, which do not add up to much, a book at a yard sale, something in the (pound/dollar) shop?

or, buy something which will keep you occupied and not spend money, a model to make, a jigsaw puzzle?

or start collecting something relatively rare (1980's cookery books?) and only spend money when you find one, the hunt will keep you occupied.

[Whiskey]

or start collecting something relatively rare (1980's cookery books?) and only spend money when you find one, the hunt will keep you occupied.

This seems like the only one that might work. I like nice things. I grew up really poor, without much, and I just grew into a habit of owning nice things. But I'm particular about what it is. I refuse to buy clothes. Its a body image thing and a long story.

I'll buy mid/high end make up (that I dont really wear), high end perfumes (chanel, dior, givenchy, viktor & wolf), crystal decanters (i have a thing, go figure), antique perfume bottles.

Thats it. If it comes to buying clothes or dropping more than 300$ at a time, I won't do it. If I ever hit a size 6, I might start sinking money into designer clothes. I'd have to get a better job, then.

I have issues with waiting. Everything has needs to be instant. NOW. NOW. NOWWWWWWW??? NOW. I feel like if i wait, i'm going to suffocate on time.

Well, now I'm not making sense. I can't explain my habits without sounding..... off.

edit: and I can't buy things out of a set. Its why I havent built any computers. I won't buy parts seperately.I have to drop a grand right then and get all parts shipped to me. Wait, shipping? BUT NOW OMG NOWWWWWWWW

[TelephoneAngel]

That does kind of make sense...............it's like you feel down, and want something immediately so you feel better......and you do have a few minutes of "wow I spent money I feel good", but later..............when you really consider............all your money is gone and you feel worse.

Is it like that?

[Whiskey]

That does kind of make sense...............it's like you feel down, and want something immediately so you feel better......and you do have a few minutes of "wow I spent money I feel good", but later..............when you really consider............all your money is gone and you feel worse.

Is it like that?

Yeah. Unfortunately, theres also up. I feel great, I feel wonderful, I want to be out and about. What to do? Go shopping! Be seen! Look fantastic! You know what would look fantastic? New green eyeshadow (15$)! Gotta smell good, some Dior purfume (55$)! Oh girl, those shoes (45$)!

I'm like a virgin on prom night. Completely spent in 15 minutes.

[TelephoneAngel]

Yeah. Unfortunately, theres also up. I feel great, I feel wonderful, I want to be out and about. What to do? Go shopping! Be seen! Look fantastic! You know what would look fantastic? New green eyeshadow (15$)! Gotta smell good, some Dior purfume (55$)! Oh girl, those shoes (45$)!

I'm like a virgin on prom night. Completely spent in 15 minutes.

Ok so then you find other ways of getting that fix.

Go window shopping, try on all the dresses, admire yourself in the mirrors in the changing rooms, go out of the changing room and ask the assistant if the dress looks good on you? Take photos of yourself in the dresse on your cell phone and admire them at home.

Walk through the department store and spray yourself with a nice perfume at the perfume counter.
Ask one of the cosmetics assistants to give you a makeover (many will do it for free)

Find a college which specialises in beauty and ask for them to experiment on you, give you a make over etc.

Get a cheap face massage (all the highs of shopping, none of the expense)

And the stuff you already bought? And don't use? Sell it.

[Whiskey]

Ok so then you find other ways of getting that fix.

Go window shopping, try on all the dresses, admire yourself in the mirrors in the changing rooms, go out of the changing room and ask the assistant if the dress looks good on you? Take photos of yourself in the dresse on your cell phone and admire them at home.

This is a disgusting idea. I would rather carve out my internal organs than clothes shop. Body image issues, severe ones.


Walk through the department store and spray yourself with a nice perfume at the perfume counter.

why? I dont wear it. Plus that looks cheap, tacky and poor.


Ask one of the cosmetics assistants to give you a makeover (many will do it for free) Find a college which specialises in beauty and ask for them to experiment on you, give you a make over etc.

I barely let someone bleach my hair. I don't like being touched and I don't like mirrors.


Get a cheap face massage (all the highs of shopping, none of the expense)

I might do this.


And the stuff you already bought? And don't use? Sell it.

But then I won't have it anymore.

[TelephoneAngel]

This is a disgusting idea. I would rather carve out my internal organs than clothes shop. Body image issues, severe ones.

ok, sorry my bad.I was thinking of the clothes (pretty fabrics etc, rather than you yourself)



why? I dont wear it.

ok, when you said you bought it I automatically thought you must wear it.


I barely let someone bleach my hair. I don't like being touched and I don't like mirrors.

ok, again because you said you would buy eyeshadow, I thought that might be nice (bear i mind I know nothing about you.Not deliberaetly trying to offend you)

I might do this.

I love having a calming massage.





But then I won't have it anymore.[/QUOTE]

yes, this is true, but from what you said, i thought maybe it makes you unhappy to see it and know you bought it and have no more money? Sometimes, and I am not saying you do this, but people sometimes spend lots of moey but then hide the purchases in cupboards because they ONLY wanted the thrill of the spend, they didn't really want what they bought.

Now, please don't think I am talking down to you, that is far from my intention.
But if you can understand my own problem, you ca understand your own much better.

My problem is this.I am overweight.I eat icecream far more than I should.I eat ice cream and it makes me feel good then I remember I am over weight and I feel bad again.
SO...............what I need to do is have a plan as to what I will do next time I feel like eating icecream, and I think I will eat low fat yoghurt instead.So i need to get the yoghurt ready.

Same with you, whatever you need to put in place for next time you feel like spending all your money, you need to have a plan in advance.

[Whiskey]

No, the stuff is just kind of there. Its pretty irrelevant once I buy it, but it still has to be here. People need to see it. Image.

I certainly need better furniture. I should have bought a flat screen while I had the money (i dont watch tv, but itd look nice over the fire place).


Also, eat Fage yogurt with honey. Better than ice cream.

[TelephoneAngel]

No, the stuff is just kind of there. Its pretty irrelevant once I buy it, but it still has to be here. People need to see it. Image.

I certainly need better furniture. I should have bought a flat screen while I had the money (i dont watch tv, but itd look nice over the fire place).


Also, eat Fage yogurt with honey. Better than ice cream.

I see........I don't really know what to suggest, other than that you could also have fun window shopping in furniture stores, get catalogues, spend time going through them and thinking "if i were very rich, this is what I would buy.........."

maybe join your local freecycle group? People very often give away nice things on there free.........I have been lucky to get some nice furniture, and a big (not flatscreen) tv.

Also what is quite fun is to see online which companies are giving away free samples of their goods (I have had perfume samples - nice ones - just for registering) Makes you feel good when that little package drops through the door, and no money spent.

Or try entering competitions to win upmarket goods? Someone has to win after all.you might find a competition to win a flat screen.

i won a whole kitchen set with plates, cutlery, coffee maker, blender, which i needed.

[Whiskey]

I might hit up free cycle again. Im going to open a savings account at a credit union and hopefully not touch it. No ATM/Check Card.

[trailerparkmedic]

Im going to open a savings account at a credit union and hopefully not touch it. No ATM/Check Card.

Sounds like a good idea.

I find mint.com (http://www.mint.com) to be incredibly useful in seeing where my money is going.

Have you talked to your therapist about the money? Spending tons of money is a classic sign of mania so they should have some ideas to help.

[Whiskey]

Sounds like a good idea.

I find mint.com (http://www.mint.com) to be incredibly useful in seeing where my money is going.

Have you talked to your therapist about the money? Spending tons of money is a classic sign of mania so they should have some ideas to help.

Mint is useless with an ATM card. I can never remember what I withdrew the money for or where I used it. If I have a check card I decimate my account balance with frivolous spending.

My therapist is useless and fucking stupid. I hate the woman. No I cant get a new one, no I cant get a new provider. The entire program (i have a "team" of useless motherfuckers who exist to piss me off, i guess) refuses the original diagnosis I had from 2005. Bi polar II, rapid cycle. According to my new doctors, I'm simply depressed.

If I mention anything about mania, excessive spending, hyper sexual behaviors, or any other classic signs of bi polar disorder, they just shrug it off and change the subject.

I'm on my own.

[trailerparkmedic]

I'm sorry your "doctor" is so fail. I wish I had some suggestions.

Is there a way for your bank to limit daily transactions to a certain $ amount? That's the only thing I can think of.

[Whiskey]

Is there a way for your bank to limit daily transactions to a certain $ amount? That's the only thing I can think of.

Daily limit of 500$ by ATM. Thats about all.

[TelephoneAngel]

Daily limit of 500$ by ATM. Thats about all.

I'm sure you know when things get bad, this is too much, do you have any other way of limiting money? put it in a lockable drawer perhaps?

I know someone who used to put the money in the freezer (in a watertight bag)because she couldnt spend it when it was frozen solid!

[Whiskey]

I'm sure you know when things get bad, this is too much, do you have any other way of limiting money? put it in a lockable drawer perhaps?

ATM card only, no direct access to my account. I lost my ATM card (again) and my check card (needed to be canceled anyways.), my credit card is cut up. I'm not very good at staying out of my money. I was pricing burberry purses earlier.

[blas]

Where oh where did I leave those raddish bundles?

Ahhh, here we are.


Stop that. Stop it now. Bad girl.

[TelephoneAngel]

My therapist is useless and fucking stupid. I hate the woman. No I cant get a new one, no I cant get a new provider. The entire program (i have a "team" of useless motherfuckers who exist to piss me off, i guess) refuses the original diagnosis I had from 2005. Bi polar II, rapid cycle. According to my new doctors, I'm simply depressed.

If I mention anything about mania, excessive spending, hyper sexual behaviors, or any other classic signs of bi polar disorder, they just shrug it off and change the subject.

I'm on my own.

This is not good, you need to have some sort of rapport with your therapist for the treatment to work. Is there any way of complaining, or getting a second review, or anything?

[Whiskey]

http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod103100096&parentId=cat13030757&masterId=cat13030742&index=88&cmCat=cat000000cat000141cat13030735cat13030742cat1 3030757

*whiiiiiiinesssssssss*

edit:
This is not good, you need to have some sort of rapport with your therapist for the treatment to work. Is there any way of complaining, or getting a second review, or anything?

No. Treatment will continue to fail because they do not care about my actual progress. They diagnosed me with conditions I dont have, won't diagnose me with the conditions I obviously have, and fail to give a shit in general. I've told her outright, "I don't like you and I don't trust you." I still have to see her once a week so we can talk about absolutely nothing important. The last time I complained they tried to evict me every single month for eight months.

[blas]

I'm a little confused when you talk about your counselor and your work.

Is this a therapist or just a work counselor to help people get jobs?

[TelephoneAngel]

[url]
No. Treatment will continue to fail because they do not care about my actual progress. They diagnosed me with conditions I dont have, won't diagnose me with the conditions I obviously have, and fail to give a shit in general. I've told her outright, "I don't like you and I don't trust you." I still have to see her once a week so we can talk about absolutely nothing important. The last time I complained they tried to evict me every single month for eight months.

I can't imagine it Whiskey, what it must be like, and I'm sorry.

[Whiskey]

Is this a therapist or just a work counselor to help people get jobs?

I have both. both are idiots.

These people are vindictive and horrible. Even my (sane) friend thinks my therapist is setting me up for something. Every session, without provocation, she reminds me shes a mandated reporter and has to report if I'm a danger to others or myself. This is the woman who forced me to sign a "care plan" stating I'm an alcoholic (irony, right?) depressive and that I agree with the course of treatment. How did she force me? By telling me if I didn't sign, I could go back to living on the streets. One of the best medications for my issues is an addictive substance (which isnt addictive if you have the disorder). I can't even get a xanax because theyve put so much false shit in my file about me being a huge drug addict/drunk/whatever. IVE NEVER HAD A GOD DAMN DRUG PROBLEM. I HAD A HOMELESS, FUCKED UP CHILDHOOD, UNMEDICATED MENTAL ILLNESS PROBLEM.

god. fucking. damn it.

edit: I have to resort to possibly getting put on a DEA watch list and buying Bronkaid over the pharmacy counter (no script needed). It has ephedrine (sulfate) in it and if I take too much I fall asleep. Obviously this is not the typical reaction you get from speed.

[blas]

Wow, what an awful situation.

And there's no way you can ask for different help, aka, ditch the evil idiots?

[Whiskey]

Wow, what an awful situation.

And there's no way you can ask for different help, aka, ditch the evil idiots?


No I cant get a new one, no I cant get a new provider.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

[Whiskey]

The "advocate" I mentioned in another thread who told me to "get over" the harassing phone calls and text messages when I had my little mental vacation called me and left a voicemail today

"just seeing if theres anything else I can help you with!"

http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/7533/1zf4y7q.gif

The only thing she helps me with is obtaining a migraine. Oh and I should give more than five hours notice if I'm going to go bat fucking loopy. I think it looks less authentic if I have a psychotic break schedule written up in google calendar.

edit: oh god my therapist is coming tomorrow. I wish that bitch would just go away. Now I have to clean excessively because any little spec of anything anywhere and they act like I have roaches. And here I was going to refrain from buying wine tonight. There is no way.

[Seshat]

If I mention anything about mania, excessive spending, hyper sexual behaviors, or any other classic signs of bi polar disorder, they just shrug it off and change the subject.

Holy CRAP!

Whiskey, that's just .. that's awful! That's SO wrong it's unbelievable.

[Taboo]

Holy CRAP!

Whiskey, that's just .. that's awful! That's SO wrong it's unbelievable.

Truth. And... your therapist is an IDIOT.

I had a similarly stupid one. Her office was decorated in tapestries of unicorns and she told me that I could 'get over it' if I just 'wished hard enough.' Seriously, how do some of these people get licenses...?

You need better doctors. :( What's the reason that you can't change to another provider?

[Whiskey]

What's the reason that you can't change to another provider?

No other program in the county I live in accepts uninsured patients. If I move, Im back to being homeless and living in my car.

edit: my FULL TIME BUT NOT FULL TIME job doesnt provide health insurance because while I work full time I'm not full time.

[Mytical]

You may want to seek legal advice. I am not a lawyer, but I can't see how this is legal at all. At least you should be able to pursue a second opinion regardless if they like it or not. In a place of YOUR choosing.

[Der Cute]

Whisky, you need a 3rd party advocate.

Someone else outside all this shit to say "You people in this program are TURDS and need to help her NOW!"

Christ. Hugs. Legal Aid?

Cutenoob

[Whiskey]

The program is in process of getting shut down, mostly because of me. One of my college professors (who is in the mental health field, mental health related class) heard about my stories on and off twice a week for six months. She was on the local city board of mental health. Now shes on the state board of mental health. I dont know what'll happen to me if they get shut down. Theres no one else I can go to, not that they help and I'm not saying I want to stick with them, but I'm absolutely on my own once this program is kaput. Unless I find some kind of health insur--ahahahahaa, jk. I'll never fucking get health insurance.

[Mytical]

*hugs* I want you to go to a mental health office (sorry can't spell the other word, so won't butcher it trying), and ask about Title X. Not all states have it, but if they do, and you make under x amount (differs per state) you can get free help. Absolutely free, medicine included. I can't guarantee you have it where you are, or don't make under the X amount they need..but can't hurt to try.

Also, here is a website that list phone numbers by state, the help is free. http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/tollfree.htm

Not sure where you live, if you live in the states or where..just trying to help.

[Whiskey]

If we had it here, considered how absolutely destitute I am, Im fairly certain Id know about Title X. I will look into it though. I'm in California :P However my housing is based on a contract with this program. I violate the contract (which states I cant go to another provider) then I violate my lease and get evicted. They do an end run on the Fair Housing laws to prevent me from doing anything. According to FHA, I can cease any treatment and go batshit insane if I feel like and my housing wouldnt be in jeopardy. Since this contract is in place, I'm forcefed treatment I dont agree with. They finally let go of me going to AA twice a week. For now at least. I disagree with AA on fundamental and philosophical levels so the idea that it would help me with my "drinking problems" is laughable. Its like sending a fundamentalist to an atheism camp. If I leave my program, I violate my contract, I go back to being homeless. No they dont care, no its not really legal.


I also think youre all forgetting I dont have health insurance. ANY program in my area requires health insurance. They WILL NOT see me if I don't have health insurance. My only options are the ER, committing myself (again), and relying on a GP's knowledge of mental health (woo.)

[Mytical]

Yeah, that sounds kinda illegal there. Consult a lawyer. As for everything else..the places listed in the site won't require insurance as they are clinics. You will have to sign a "I will not sue if you treat me" agreement..but other then that and proof of income that would be all they require. For everything else, I don't know what to say..beside the consulting a lawyer. *hugs*

Edit : In fact clinics usually won't see anybody who has any insurance what so ever. Never can tell the level of treatment you will get unfortunately.

[Whiskey]

Yeah, that sounds kinda illegal there. Consult a lawyer. As for everything else..the places listed in the site won't require insurance as they are clinics. You will have to sign a "I will not sue if you treat me" agreement..but other then that and proof of income that would be all they require. For everything else, I don't know what to say..beside the consulting a lawyer. *hugs*

Edit : In fact clinics usually won't see anybody who has any insurance what so ever. Never can tell the level of treatment you will get unfortunately.

Actually now that I think of it, there is another clinic (that i'm not allowed to go to, if they find out im going to it, theyll void my contract and evict me) that doesnt do insurance. Its in the worst part of town where you have to sit outside and wait for them to open at 745AM. Even if you have an appointment, you still have to pray you dont get robbed. They're essentially pill pushers so I'll have to do my research and tell them what to prescribe me again.

Ugh. Better than nothing, I suppose.

[Seshat]

One of my college professors (who is in the mental health field, mental health related class) heard about my stories on and off twice a week for six months.

Tell her everything you just told us, including the contract, the potential homelessness, and the insurance problems.

She sounds like the sort of person who WANTS to spot and fill in the gaps in the system that you're falling through.

[Whiskey]

She already knows, its half the reason she's getting them shut down. She knows more than is posted here. I've been verbally abused, psychologically tormented, put in situations where my life was in jeopardy all by my "care team." My therapist is coming today, she makes housecalls because one of the staff in the office HAS to harass me everytime I go there. Its going to be one hour of

Her: Hows your depression
Me: fine i guess
Her: suicidal?
Me: no (sure as shit can't say yes, they dont believe me anyways if I am)
Her: hows work
Me: its work
Her: you know im a mandated reporter, i have to report if youre a danger
Me: yeah I know
Her: So hows your depression.

I'm just so tired of all of it. I can't bring myself to really eat anymore. I think I had a sandwich and some bacon yesterday. I just ate five or six hot wings which were probably rancid when I cooked them. I don't have the energy for her today.

[Mikkel]

I'm just so tired of all of it. I can't bring myself to really eat anymore. I think I had a sandwich and some bacon yesterday. I just ate five or six hot wings which were probably rancid when I cooked them. I don't have the energy for her today.

HELL, go eat something healthy now. Your depression doesn't get any better by you starving yourself. You are in an impossible situation, I can understand your giving up, but please don't. Look into Myticals suggestions, talk to the professor again and ask for advice. There must be something you can do, maybe even finding somewhere else to live. Do those quacks get paid for mistreating you? Could you complain to some authorities? I don't understand the US healthcare system, I haven't any advice but really, go eat something healthier than rancid hot wings.

[Whiskey]

No worries, i picked up some fruit. I'm not starving myself, i'm just meh. I cant afford to live anywhere else. I'm in subsidized housing, if I tried to live on my own I'd be living out of my car. Living with other people has never worked because how I get. They get paid good money to do their business. My therapist would serve me better by going and getting a coffee for an hour and leaving me alone. They already lie outright in my file, why not just leave me alone and say you were here. Shes going to write whatever she wants in there anyways.

Oh god "meh" reminded me. I love the cognitive dissonance this woman seems to have

Her: so whatd you do this week
Me: work, sleep
Her: nothing else
Me: went to a friends house on tuesday
Her: anything else?
Me: no.
Her: why dont you find a hobby
Me: i hate everything
Her: you could jog
Me: I hate jogging.
Her: What about hiking
Me: I hate hiking
Her: why doing you join a club
Me: I hate people.

ten minutes later
Her: Well its great to see your depression is doing better!
Me: Yeap.


my brain is playing with me again. this isn't good. i dont even want to talk about it and thats worse.

[Taboo]

Can you find someone to live with who you don't really have to interact with beyond the act of rent-paying?

I hate living with other people too, so my roommate is nocturnal and I am not. If he's even here when I'm awake, he's sleeping. So it's doable for us.

[Whiskey]

That hasn't worked very well in the past. From the general crazy, to not being able to hold a job. Another session complete. Woo, apparently i'm doing wonderfully. Also, I need to clean better. I tell them every week this is as clean as it gets and they keep saying clean it more. Well, no, fuck you. My apartment stays the way I like it and generally I like it a little fucking messy. Hey she was here for less than a half hour. This is progress, I approve.

[Whiskey]

Work is going to be fun tonight. No one I know, the few i do know, has called me in four days. They say they will, then they forget about me. Wonderful.

[Amina516]

Whiskey, im am so sorry. Youre in a heartbreaking situation. Please stay strong. I have to believe theres help for you somewhere. I hope your professor friend just gets the real crazies booted from running the program youre in, but not shut down completely. If new people came to run or help out in it, id hope it would all get better.

Keep us updated. I know you dont know me, but if you ever want to talk, Im here..as Im sure several others would be.

[Mytical]

I know it doesn't help much, but *hugs and offers cookies*. I really do hope things get better for you. :(

[Whiskey]

Everyone likes word problems right? Well, here you go.

Girl plans on getting her car fixed. Girl is flat ass broke until the fifth. The current car can't be driven as of 8/1 without incurring trouble from the law. Girl has to pay to tow the car to the shop to get it fixed. Pay day isnt until 8/5. How exactly does girl pay the tow man?

I have 12$. Well, I had a check card for ONE DAY, four days ago, and apparently now my account is negative. I have nothing. Fuck.

[Whiskey]

Apparently I'm fine now. I'm fine as long as I don't talk to anyone I know or log into facebook because fuck everyone I've ever met.

I feel good.

[technical.angel]

Whiskey, sweetie, I'm soo sorry for you. I wish I could help, but I only have one suggestion, which many or may not help for your manic shopping.

I have a spreadsheet where I've written down all my bills, about when they're due, how much I have to pay, and then I do the same with my income. This may be harder for you, as your income may vary by the hours you work.

But since my income is the same every month, I know that I have so much going out each month, and a pittance left over after paying the bills. Seeing that number, or a ballpark number, might help you when you're out shopping.

[Whiskey]

I have one of those. My bills get paid. I just end up with no money, like right now. Actually, my friend (sane) advised me not to put myself at broke and pay rent AND power, and just pay power late.

Now my power isnt paid and I have no money. I'm not listening to normal people anymore.

[technical.angel]

Well, then you certainly can listen to me! ;)

Are you budgeting for food?

[Whiskey]

Are you budgeting for food?

I need to reapply for food stamps. I need to do a lot of things. I'm not going to, but I need to. Kind of like vacuuming. I have a stockpile of food though, I won't starve. I should have picked up eggs on the way home. My facebook poses a philosophical question: how the shit am I supposed to feed myself if driving drunk and walking drunk are both illegal?

[technical.angel]

There's nothing wrong with accepting help, especially when it comes to food. Every other week, I'm quazi-forced to spend the weekend with my parents so they can take me grocery shopping.

Until my credit card debt is paid off (soon... so soo soon!!) I just don't have the money to feed me the week I don't get a paycheck.

I believe I read that you're also a full time student, just remember your goals. What you WANT to do after graduation, and just focus on that when life gets rough.

And, believe me, I know exactly what you mean.... with everything. With the shopping, with needing to do something and just... not.

Unfortunately, I haven't found a great fix. My mom freaking out at my CC bills got me to finally get those taken care of, but with everything else, it's just.. bleh.

I know I need to find a counselor, but... eh.. I don't really have the money, and don't want to depend on my parents to pay for that too.

[Whiskey]

There's nothing wrong with accepting help, especially when it comes to food.

Its not accepting help thats the issue. I've been on food stamps since I was 18 (on and off). Its doing it. Sitting down there for HOURS, filling out the paperwork, getting all my documents and payroll together. Its overwhelming. I'd rather lie in bed and pretend I didn't exist.


Until my credit card debt is paid off (soon... so soo soon!!)
Good :)


I believe I read that you're also a full time student, just remember your goals.

I dont really have goals. I have stuff and whatever, but nothing seems to be important enough. I'm in college because everyone told me i'm too smart not to be. My counselors tell me I'm too smart for the school I'm in. I just.. eh. I feel like I'm going to die before anything matters. Why bother.


I know I need to find a counselor, but... eh.. I don't really have the money, and don't want to depend on my parents to pay for that too.

Find a local peer support group. Better than counseling, IMO. And theyre free.


Oh and I might have to give Nermal away. My therapist just randomly felt like telling my Housing Authority I have a second cat. If it makes it to the people I don't want it to.. well..

There goes Nermal. Sully loves her with all his hate too. They snuggle :( and sometimes she jumps on the couch when I'm too scared to sleep in my bed and sleeps on my chest.

I'm gonna cry.

[Whiskey]

My friend (same one from the OP) just sent me a huge email. I skimmed. Something about im selfish and all i talk about is me and it hasnt been almost six days, she talked to me on saturday (okay so four days with no contact with anyone at all).

I have no one. what's the point anymore. I do still have my 200$ rent check. I can disappear again. I fucked this time up too.

fuck.

[Chromatix]

Seriously, this is why I hate means-tested benefits. You can only get them if you can prove a negative, ie. you don't have money, and such a proof is mathematically impossible. If you're in a situation where you don't have money, there's a good chance you don't have it together well enough to cope with the bureaucracy or stand up for your rights.

Which is precisely what you're going through now.

It sounds to me as though you have three problems:

a) Your medical support is worse than useless. But you can't find an alternative. Go America.

b) Your employer doesn't understand your problem, and indeed your job is unsuitable for you in the first place. You're good at the job but you can't consistently cope with the drama.

c) You keep involuntarily spending all the money that could possibly get you out of your hole, partly because of a). I'm guessing you get paid monthly, which doesn't help either since it's a long time between running out of money and getting some more.

Actually it sounds like you might need to up sticks and move to a different state - one where you can get non-braindead medical care that has a chance of actually working. Preferably you should find someone trustworthy to help you do that.

In the meantime, you do need to find a way to control your own spending. Normal, self-affirmative techniques won't work because they're designed for people who don't go loopy on a regular basis. You're going to have to put up physical barriers to instant spending. You can't spend money you can't get at.

The idea of putting cash in the freezer is a good one, for that reason. The delay needed to thaw it out might be enough to let you get grounded again. Make relatively small bundles of cash, so you only thaw out what you need for something specific. Keep only coins in your purse otherwise.

The American system is so fundamentally different from what I'm used to though, that I can't help you deal with the root causes. :(

[Whiskey]

re: moving. I don't have anyone, let alone someone trustworthy, to help me move. I had physical barriers up, i just have an ATM card up which was kind of working. I had a check card for one day (last thursday when I looped it). I didnt spend much but magically now im overdrafted because of it.

I could apply for social security but that means im never allowed to have anything. I can't have a savings account, I can have a job but I'm only allowed to make something like 9K a year. I don't even know if I'd be allowed to go to school. Also you can't get welfare. My (former) friend gets something like 800/mo to live on and because its through the state security administration, she cant get food stamps. So 800 has to cover everything. Federal poverty is 14k a year for 1 person. You also can't sound too smart when applying. If you sound smart that means you can work. Seriouslty, I did an evaluation like a year or two ago and some of the stuff they asked me. "What is 15 - 9?" "how many legs does a chair have?"

Its okay though because apparently everything is my fault. I guess I take no responsibilities for my actions. As my friend said if I "just managed my money better" I wouldn't be in this situation. Its good to know everything is actually my fault because I was feeling entirely too good about myself earlier. /sarcasm.

edit: Oh and it takes years to get approved. Generally you get denied the first time, which takes a year. Then they deny you some more. This makes a rather.. fatalist person like myself not bother. Not to mention the application is roughly fifteen pages long, you have to fill out every single job you've ever held, get letters from doctors, get poked at by new doctors, get rejected a couple times, fill out ANOTHER application with the same information. If you have a job, they want to know why you have a job now. The process is terrible. I can't do three years of that shit.

heres a good quote

Those who file for disability based on mental illness go through the identical disability determination process, and are allowed the same opportunity to appeal if a disability examiner turns down their claim. If you have been denied benefits for a mental impairment (and about 70 percent of all disability applications are denied), you should definitely take advantage of this appeals process.

The first appeal, of course, will most likely be unsuccessful, as it goes to the state disability determination services (DDS) for consideration. Since it was an examiner for DDS who turned the case down in the first place, it’s not surprising that DDS denies, on average, 85% of all disability appeals.

After that you have to get a lawyer and go to court.

[ApolloSZ]

Whiskey

You don't know me, I don't know you. But your situation, whats happening sucks.
Yes, normal is boring, I agree. But checking out these forums I don't think the people here fit the ideal definition of 'normal'. We've all got our quirks which make us different :)

Healthcare system, I can't help. I'm in NZ, and don't bother with doctors barring serious issues.

Brain wise.... all I can offer is an ear. I'm not a shrink, I don't play one on Tv. But apparently I listen (read?) good :) Even if its just to debate or discuss a random topic to get your mind onto something else.

Money wise, I was like you, roughly a year ago. My paycheck gone each time, and on nothing.
I dunno about your situation familly/friends wise, but what I did was ask my dad for help, and started transferring some money to an account under his name. If I get stuck he'll help me out with it, but otherwise I put it in within a day or so of payday and that way it's safe from free-for-all spending. These days, I'm alot better money wise.

At the end all I can say is, You've done awesomely to still be kicking drive thru butt with all this shi... stuff :) Hang in there. *cheeky nudge* (I don't do hugs lol)

[Whiskey]

I dunno about your situation familly/friends wise,

I dont know if the universe wants me to feel incredibly alone or what but for the third time, i have no one.

/cranky

but thank you.

[ApolloSZ]

On a side note. I now feel like an ass. Honestly that wasn't my intention Whiskey. Do-over?.

[Whiskey]

I accept chocolates and whiskey as apologies.

I just have had a fairly fucked up life. No family, my father left when I was a kid, my mother has told the entire family she doesn't want to hear about me even if i'm dead in a ditch, the rest of my family doesn't believe in mental illness and my grandma (the only one I talk to) wouldn't give me a place to sleep indoors when I was homeless for over a year. Or the 2nd time I was back in the state and living in my car. She says "good people can handle suffering." Woo.

I have no friends because I'm insane and its impossible to deal with me, apparently. I do have two friends in Kansas, from when I lived there, but I can't stay with them. You don't know how many times I've had people tell me my crazy is such an inconvenience. Like I'm having a wonderful party over here trying to figure out if I have anything strong enough to swing from the ceiling lamp from for the last 2 days.

Required disclaimer: I have no intention of harming myself or others.

And my cat just took a wet shit all over my white carpet 2 inches from his freshly cleaned box. They're about to go back to the fucking pound.

[ApolloSZ]

Well ofcourse your crazy is selective, hellooo. F*ckers. Sorry. people like that .... displease me :|

Hmmm... I can share some delish Gentlemans Jack with you.... I'll search for chocolate.

[Whiskey]

I love in that email she says for the last MONTH ive been a terror. however I was off my meds for 9 days. But I do so wonderful on my meds!

You have to pick a fucking stance. You know what the best thing would be? If I just bootstrapped up and quit being crazy! Haha! Look at that, a solution!

[Rapscallion]

This thread's proof that there are people here who care. Talk and vent, we'll listen. I can't promise more than that, but we'll be here.

Rapscallion

[Whiskey]

This thread's proof that there are people here who care. Talk and vent, we'll listen. I can't promise more than that, but we'll be here.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v63/jinx_mod/f319z.gif

I'm going to get out of the house (but my phone has internet and IM or whatever. Ill be less of a bummer once I'm out in the night). I'm going to cash my rent check and pay my electric bill, do some food shopping maybe. I get paid again on the fifth, I'll just have to pay walmart to cash it out right since the fifth is the last day to pay rent "on time."

Positive note: My bank didn't charge me a NSF for each of the two purchases since my balance was less than 10$ in the hole. I had to deposit my money order (see: sightings) so I can't pay my power bill until tomorrow.

Depressing note: I picked up a low income electricity discount form from my power company. For a household of one you have to make less than $1,943 oer month. I made $949 this month.

[Seshat]

I understand the friends that didn't stick with Whiskey. I don't like it, but I understand. My best friend can be very, very difficult when her medication is wrong.

Similarly, I can be a MAJOR problem when mine are wrong.


It's so hard.

[Whiskey]

This one was "friends" with me because shes studying to be a counselor or whatever and used me to "learn" about mental illness. I didn't know about this until 2 weeks ago when she was complaining about her lack of boundaries and went "Look at us! we're friends now!"

woops. sorry. Its weird. After I spent 100$ on her, she emailed me telling me what a great friend I was. Now I'm some horrible self-centered bitch. I guess that 50$ in perfume oil she loves but cant afford and its being discontinued that i got for her is self-centered as fuck. And all the treats to lunch, god that must have been terrible for her.

I quit friends. I quit social interaction. I'll go to work, lie in bed, and occasionally eat food.

[Mikkel]

I quit friends. I quit social interaction. I'll go to work, lie in bed, and occasionally eat food.

Well, don't quit us or interacting with us, please, and make some good food. Your crockpot recipes sound both healthy and tasty.
I don't know how much having online friends helps, but don't doubt that we care.

[Whiskey]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v63/jinx_mod/IMAG0107.jpg

Look at that happy retard. Now I have to go to work. Bah.

[Seshat]

Happycat is happy.


This one was "friends" with me because shes studying to be a counselor or whatever and used me to "learn" about mental illness. I didn't know about this until 2 weeks ago when she was complaining about her lack of boundaries and went "Look at us! we're friends now!"


Oh god. You do not become "friends" with someone to learn about their condition. That's ...

(sigh)

That's treating the person as a thing. Oh Hai. You're Schizoaffective Disorder. How are you?
Hello Depression.
Greetings, Fibromyalgia.
How are you doing, Bipolar?

.....

:mad:

[Eisa]

That is an adorable cat.

That "friend" also sounds amazingly fucked up. I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist myself, and I would NEVER become friends with someone just so I could study their condition! :eek: WTF.

Your therapist sounds awful like they should not even have their license. I haven't had a therapist that blatantly bad, but I did have one ask me, on first meeting, "So what did your father do to you sexually?" Yes. I want to tell you that THE FIRST FUCKING TIME I MET YOU. And also was like "Oh, so your sister is stronger than you, then?" when I mentioned how my sister abused me. Yeah. Thanks. Fuck you.

I take it there's no mental health alternative at your college? That's how I got therapy for a year [even if it sucked ass]. I only had to pay $5 a session and they didn't care if I had health insurance or not.

Hope something works out Whiskey, that sounds like a rotten place to be stuck in.

[Whiskey]

Theres not, but funny story. One of the intern/nurse students/whatever came through drive one night and screamed at me, called me a bitch, etc. Yeah, not comfortable sharing my internal dilemmas with them anyways.