What is the funniest support call you can imagine?

[Hicksey]

Here's mine:

Me: :wave:
PC: Prospective Customer

ME: Hello, this is XYZ company calling in response to to your technical support request.
PC: Oh good! Here goes. I have this friend that wants to buy the Internet but wants to make sure she likes it first. So, I offered to bring my Internet over for her to try.
ME: Okay ... :eek: Ok, so you want to try to use your account at her house?
PC: Yes, that's it! Ok, so I put in the floppy disk so I could download my internet on to it and bring it over to her house, but when I tried to download a google ... the internet fell out!

At this point I'd have to hit the infamous mute button never to return because I'd be laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

Just put together a bunch of the funnier things you have heard into one call and have some fun!

[nekoro]

I don't have a funny call, yet. But this would be so much better if it were "an internet" instead of "the internet".

And if someone does say that they want to buy the/an internet, tell them it's not for sale, but they can certainly rent one.

[wagegoth]

Frankly, I don't think I could come up with anything better than the real calls posted by PhoneJockey and TNT.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

T=Technician
SC=stupid customer

T- Thank you for calling blah technical support, how can I help you?
SC- How do I get everything off my laptop screen? I tried turning it over and shaking it a lot, but it's still there!

[sld72382]

When I first started I got put on what I considered the "tier 1" support. Tier 1 was the tech support we provide for people that buy they store's service contracts. Only problem is, the sales people often lie about what the plans cover (we only cover hardware) and when people call in for non-supported issues, they get mad that we can't help them. Like this guy:

SLD: me.

SC: dumbass.

SC: Your other tech had me run a format recovery and the virus is still here!
He had a memory resident virus. Viruses are not covered in tier 1.
SLD: Sorry about your problem, but viruses are not covered under your service plan. I can transfer you over to (tier 2), but please be aware that they do charge for support.
SC: But why should I have to pay, I have a service plan!
SLD: Virus removal is software sir, your service plan covers hardware. (Tier 2) can help you but as I said, they are fee based.
SC: Well then I'll just walk away mad then!

[Hicksey]

I came up with the idea for this thread when I saw an older gentleman bringing what looked like a new PC back to Staples earlier today. I said something to the effect that the TS guys at the big boxes must just love it when people buy computers for their older, computer illiterate loved ones. We started going through the more funny and infamous TS issues we have heard of. By the time I combined all of them into one call I had my wife crying she was laughing so hard.

I thought the TS guys would be able to really have some fun with this one.

I got the 'download a google' thing from Corner Gas. The idea of downloading the entire Internet onto a floppy disk I got from my experience as a helpdesk tech at NetRover as well as the idea of the 'Internet falling out'. I added my most hated pet peeve of all in the idea someone though incorrect terminology claims ownership of the entire Internet, or the idea that someone has their own Internet.

[trunks2k]

This is the funniest one I can remember:

ME: Thank you for calling MRL Support, how may I help you?
NiceLady: I know this sounds strange. But my computer is making a sound, like there's somebody stuck inside it.
Me: Huh? Can you say that again, I think I misheard you.
NL: It sounds like there's somebody stuck in my computer.
Me: Do you mean there's like a loud grinding noise, like a bad fan?
NL: No, I really mean it sounds like there's somebody stuck in the computer. I'm not crazy, I swear.
Me: Is it making the noise now
NL: Yes.
Me: Ok, hold the phone up to the computer and let me hear.
NL: Ok.
Computer: *knock knock* let me out. Help! I'm stuck in the computer. *knock knock* let me out...
NL: See, there's someone stuck in my computer! I'm not crazy. I told you!
Me: Can you hold for a moment. *pushes mute button and laughs for a minute*

Turns out that she got an email from a co-worker that automatically played a sound file.
-------------------------------------------------------
My other good one was a lady that called and said that she kept trying to print something, and while the computer said it printed, when she went to the printer she found a document had printed, but it wasn't exactly the same one she tried to print. I tried to reproduce the problem with her, but I couldn't. She swore this happened at least three times, but accepted that I couldn't do anything if it wasn't happening any more. I'm logging the call information and notice that someone else was having the same issue at the same time with the same printer.

I prepare to call onsite support to have a look at the printer just to be safe. Then I get a call back from the lady, I expect it to be her telling me it's happening again. But instead she tells me she figured out what happened. She and this other girl were the only two people in the office, and neither knew the other person was in the office. They were both printing different revisions of the same document. So, guess what happened?

They would both try to print the document at the same time, one would go up to get it from the printer, get the document, see it wasn't exactly the same and throw it away, and go back and print it again. Meanwhile, the other person has gone and done the exact same thing. This happened at least three times.

[Dreamstalker]

I added my most hated pet peeve of all in the idea someone though incorrect terminology claims ownership of the entire Internet, or the idea that someone has their own Internet.
Apparently during the dark ages of the Net, the term was used as a proper noun to describe what would now be termed intranets/LANs. I can't find the exact cite, but it's in the book Where Wizards Stay Up Late: The Origins of the Internet. It still sounds weird to me.

[trunks2k]

Apparently during the dark ages of the Net, the term was used as a proper noun to describe what would now be termed intranets/LANs.

I remember watching an old News segment from the late 80s on the internet. It was strange to see because they were using as a proper noun, like Google. "People connect to Internet through a phone line and what is known as a modem." instead of "People connect to the internet..."

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

M - Me
C - Clueless Customer

M "Good afternoon Computer Store can I help you?

C "I need to know where the lightbulb in my monitor is. It burned out"

(At this point the LCD monitors were not available except for on laptops...this is about 1998-ish)

M (a little baffled but thinking it might be a laptop screen with a dead backlight bulb) "Ok, what kind of laptop is it?"

C "It's not a laptop. It's my ViewSonic monitor. It's burned out it's light bulb"

M (head desk...why me lord, why me?) "CRT Monitors like yours do not have lightbulbs. It's more likely a power issue or a signal issue."

C "No, it's got to be the light bulb. I can fix it, I'm not stupid. I can change a light bulb. Replaced my headlights in my car many a time."

M "Sir, I can assure you that there is no lightbulb in a CRT monitor like yours."

C "Yes there is. I just can't find it and I've been poking around in this damn thing for over an hour and I simply can't find it."

M (wondering how in the hell he missed all of the areas that if you short with a screwdriver could kill you) "Sir, the part that puts the image on the screen is the big glass thing in there. It has something called electron guns that shoot electrons at the screen. The inside of the screen is coated with something that glows when it gets whanged with an electron. There is no lightbulb in a CRT monitor. Odds are it's a problem with all that dangerous power equipment in there, or a problem with the monitor getting signal from the computer."

C "You sure there's no light bulb?"

M "I'm sure sir" (and I hang up the phone because at this point I cannot keep from laughing at this twit anymore.)

Wife brings the computer and screen into me a few days later. The monitor was dissasembled and unrepairable (at least by little 'ole me). The computer had a failed video card.

Final cost?

New monitor $300
New Video Card $120
Labor $75 (hour and a half)
Carpet Cleaner $6.00 (soda stain on the carpet when I told my boss and her Pepsi shot out of her nose...that musta hurt)

M

[Kilamon]

The funniest, or worst, one that I can immediately recall is from the days when I worked Graveyard in WOW! tech support. For those that don't know or recall, WOW was the failed compuserve project that gave the traditional "chunky" compuserve a facelift and made it look like a kid friendly museum kiosk. That was great and all, but it attracted people from AOL. Anyways, I had this dim bulb call me with a thick philipino accent and, after determining that she had the same problem as every other email user, a corrupt file, I was going to walk her through the procedure to delete and reboot when she gives up this gem.

"I don't want to exit the email screen. I don't know how to get back. My husband is out to sea and won't be back for 3 months."

Turns out, her husband was in the Navy and she left the machine on, in "dial-on-demand" mode so she could send email to her husband. Aside from that, she never turned it off, used it, or anything else. :eek:

[Captain Trips]

Well, this one IS a tech call, as I was working the tech support desk at the time:

One day, I took a call from one of our store managers: "One of our customers just took a crap in the fitting room, what should I do?" :eek:

[Hicksey]

That one reminds of the ever famous one about the guy with the monitor he can't get to turn on. When inevitably the tech gets to having him check to see if it's plugged in he says something to the effect of "What does that matter? The power's out right now."

[pbmods]

Way back when I went to school at ************, I made some cash working as a tech support guy. I was the dedicated Mac technician, which back then meant that I might get one, maybe two calls a week.

One time I pranked my tech support buddies by calling in and telling them that my 'cup holder' was broken. It took the guy a second to realize it was me. Then we had a good laugh (though I know he was secretly hoping it was a customer saying it instead).

######

There was this older man who always had problems with his G4 iMac (the weird inverted-lamp looking thingie). He was this very nice but insanely senile old man who should never have been introduced to any electronic device more complicated than an analog toaster.

One day, after dealing with the usual old-guy-who-doesn't-get-computers-ockery (you know; you leave a text file on his desktop explaining what you did and what he can do so that he doesn't have to see you same time next week... as if that ever does any good), we get to this memorable moment in my life's history:

Me: "I'm afraid that this device just isn't compatible with your computer. I'd take it back where you got it and ask if they have a different model that works with your iMac."
Old Guy: "No, that's Ok. I went and bought some wires from RadioShack. I'm going to take it home and see if I can get it to work."

The scary part is, that's the last I ever saw him.....................................

[DarthRetard]

That's because RadioShack has magic wires.....not....

He(hopefully, but however unlikely)probably fried himself with the new wires.....sometimes we at Radioshack sell you stuff you don't need, just to get you to never come back.

My closing line, for a retarded SC?

And sir, if this doesn't work, then you need to ask someone from the product's company.

[anode_probe]

Final cost?

New monitor $300
New Video Card $120
Labor $75 (hour and a half)
Carpet Cleaner $6.00 (soda stain on the carpet when I told my boss and her Pepsi shot out of her nose...that musta hurt)

M

memory of the most special and lucky customer on the planet: Priceless

Sounded like a master card commercial.

Here's one of those people, not the brightest crayon in the box. I may have posted this elsewhere on the board, but I love this story and I tell it over and over again.

G - Girl Sitting beside me
C - Clueless guy she's talking to

G - Thank you for calling tech support, My name is blah, can I please have your name?
C - cluelessguy you're talking to
G - Hi clueless, how can I help you today?
C - well the interac machine on my computer ate my credit card.
G- I'm sorry?
C - I was on ebay, and I wanted to buy something so I put my credit card in the slot and it won't come back out. I would like my credit card back, and I would like to know if I have been charged for the purchase.
G - *mute on* Hey anode, do these computers have interac slots?
Me - WTF?
G - This guy somehow got his credit card into the computers interac slot
Me - *scratches head, then looks at the crappy old model that they have us stuck on, then thinks this guy probably has a slot loading CD drive* I dunno:devil: . (I like to see dumb people squirm, makes me feel warm and special inside.)
G - *off mute, can almost see the lightbulb turn on over her head* What type of computer are you using (which should have been evient at the beginning of the call, but whatever)
C - iBlob
G - What colour is it?
C - Blue
G - Okay, that is not an interac slot, that is a CD drive. You will have to take the computer in to a service provider to replace the drive.

Good times. I elaborated where my memory lost some stuff, but for the most part it's true. We howled laughing after the call though.

[BravoOrig]

True call I had the fortune of experiencing yesterday. Lady had called the day before to disconnect service as she's going to AZ for the winter or whatever. She calls and tells me that she disconnected the cablemodem, and plans to bring it to the office on her way, tommorow.
Now she can't get online. I misunderstood her at first and thought that neither IE or OE would open either more, but we started her computer, opened IE and got "The Page Cannot Be Displayed" error, and she noted a red X in the bottom corner of her screen. I almost wanted to ask if this was a real call.
I had to explain to her that the cablemodem was her internet connection, and the reason her phone still works, is because we are completely seperate from her phone, and was one of the reasons she said she went with us. So she could make calls and surf the internet.
She then offers up that she still has been paying Juno for their service, and using their email address, and wonders why now she can't get online with them. I tell her we probably disabled or removed their settings and she would need to call them for help with that. She of course asked me why she had to call them, to which I tell her the obvious reasons, WE'RE NOT THE SAME COMPANY?!

To top it off, she asks me, "So I have to call up Juno, tell them I've been paying for their service all these months, without using it, and I need help putting back in their stuff?" All I could respond was, YES! Atleast she thanked me and hung up.

I've had some real dimwits on the phone, but this was such a simple problem and solution, it just blew me away.

[RogueOne]

SC- How do I get everything off my laptop screen? I tried turning it over and shaking it a lot, but it's still there!




Was this idiot's laptop made by Etch-A-Sketch?

[pbmods]

Another classic tech support legend:

A woman calls up tech support on the verge of hysteria. Through barely-controlled sobs, she manages to explain to the tech that she spilled coffee all over her boss' keyboard, and she's afraid that she ruined it. The tech reassures her that everything's all right, and all she has to do is run the keyboard under tap water for about 15 minutes to clear it all out. The woman thanks the tech profusely and hangs up.

Sixteen minutes later, tech support gets another call:
"May I please speak to the idiot who told my secretary to put my laptop in the sink?"

[yahurd]

"i left my computer outside in the rain now it wont work i want a refund"<true>

"seems like you have a bad workstation and a bad user, we need to replace that(shouts anyone want a new computer, this guys gonna pay for it.)"<not true>

[Horsetuna]

Dunno if this counts:

Hi! This is *drug store I work at*, Horsetuna speaking!

Old man: Hello. Yes, I bought some stamps the other day, but they dont have a price on them.

Me; Oh, those are the NEW Permanent Stamps for Canada! they are worth whatever the going rate of one stamp is!

Old man: So what are they worth? How do they tell?

Me: Well, right now they are worth fifty-one cents each. on Janurary 15th, they will be worth fifty TWO cents each. You dont have to use penny stamps anymore!

He was rather innocent and sweet though, so I dunno if he counts. But I was using a very sweet, nice voice and the customers listening chuckled a little. It took longer than this, and I dont think he really understood the idea of 'permament stamps'.

[tollbaby]

Seriously? I only buy stamps like every 3-4 years, so I haven't heard yet.

[trunks2k]

Seriously? I only buy stamps like every 3-4 years, so I haven't heard yet.

The US just instituted the same sort of thing this past year. When you buy a first class stamp, it can be used as a first class stamp no matter how much higher the cost of the stamp goes up.

[Rapscallion]

Had them for some years over here.

Rapscallion

[HawaiianShirts]

"i left my computer outside in the rain now it wont work i want a refund"<true>

"I put my laptop in a slipcover and let my brother use it as a pillow. Now my screen is cracked. I want a refund." <also true>

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

"I put my laptop in a slipcover and let my brother use it as a pillow. Now my screen is cracked. I want a refund." <also true>

/me channels Tim Allen: AHWUHHHHHH?

That can't be too comfortable. Anybody who uses a laptop as a pillow deserves to have it break, IMHO

[Gawdzillers]

/me channels Tim Allen: AHWUHHHHHH?

That can't be too comfortable. Anybody who uses a laptop as a pillow deserves to have it break, IMHO

The sad part is that the guy was a lawyer.
Y'know. A person who was supposed to be smart.

[repsac]

years ago, (before I moved to the southern part of my state) I remember walking into the office, only to find this Tech guy sitting there with our computer in bits and pieces as he was trying to fix it. This struck me as rather odd, since the computer had been installed that morning and there was no reason for it to need fixing. It's been a while, but I think the convo went something like:

M=Manager
r= Young repsac. Oh so innocent to the ways of retail.
T=Tech

r: Hello?
T: Hi. Do you need something?
r: Well...kinda. Why is the computer in parts?
T: I got a call that there was a problem with the (here he rattles on about things I have no clue about, but the gist of it was the comp had crashed badly.)
r: Oh. When did this happen?
T: Sometime yesterday. I don't see anything wrong with it. Could be just that it's too old. Machines like this, they're only good for a year or two before you have to update it. This one looks like it's been here a while. Do you know how long it's been here?
(bout this time the manager walks in, he does not look amused.)
M: About three hours.
T: (blinks and stares.) What?!
M: About three hours. You're "bob" aren't you?
T: (slowly nods)
M: yeah. Thought so. You want O'mallys. They're two doors down on your left. Might as well call back to your company, tell them to send someone else over there while you put our computer back together, or if you rather, I could call them....

That computer got assembled in record time, and worked fine when we turned it on. My manager made SURE to have the guy hang around just to be certain it worked.