Welcome to my life..

[stephenr]

Every morning, I get up at 5AM to go to work from 7AM-11AM or until 1PM. I have 30 hour weeks until at least October. I find out that yet again, my paycheck is needed to pay for groceries this week and gas. I have no problem with either but the fact that really frustrates me is my mom doesn't want to work. She doesn't do anything around the house. My dad has been pulling overtime for us to just break even on the bills alone. I have seen a different side that I didn't see before about my mom. She only cares about herself. She expects me to buy her cigarettes and got pissed when I told her I wouldn't. I wound up having to because she threatened to not bring me to work. The thing that really upsets me the most is the fact that I feel like its just me and my dad keeping the house going.
I am starting to slowly feel depressed and lonely because the only things I have contact with are my cats. While I love Foley and Chyna to death, I need someone else in my life besides them. I would love to go hang with my friends every so often but then I realize where my paycheck goes. Buying groceries and gas.

[MaggieTheCat]

Ouch. Have you talked to your dad at all about this issue? Could the two of you have a little chat with your mom about this? Or, is it possible for you to move out on your own? I know you said you need human companionship, but, if you got out on your own, you could have people over to your new place or get a roommate.

[stephenr]

Thanks for the kind words, MaggieTheCat. I have talked to my dad about the issues and he understands where I am coming from as he is fed up with it as I am. We both know that if we try to talk to my mom about it, she will play the victim like she always does. If I moved out on my own, I would need 2 or 3 roommates because my job is pretty much a temp assignment but I have a higher chance of staying there because my dad has worked their for 10 years. My paycheck on 20 hours is $158 a week. Right now, I need to stay here because I want to help my dad because he has been there for me when I needed him.

[Aethian]

Sounds like you and your Dad need consuling together to get the strength up to tell your Mom to shape up or gtfo. Okay maybe not gtfo but no work = no money.

[Der Cute]

Man, that's got to be weird, being a breadmaker for a house of 2 adults and one kid. And you're the kid.

Is there any real reason why your mother isn't working? Such as mental disability, busted back, bad hips, knees, anything? Has she been tested for depression and anxiety and all that junk?

Has your household applied for foodstamps - 3 people and 2 incomes may qualify. And has anyone gone to a food bank for assistance? Since your dollar only stretches so far, you may need to look into this.

And tbh, I'd have a Come To Jeezus Meeting with the Mom. I agree w/ Aethian - she needs to get it done or gtfo..

[MaggieTheCat]

Yeah, I was going to ask if Mom is depressed too. And I agree that some kind of divine intervention meeting is in order at some point. I understand how hard it can be...I could never stand up to my mom either, but I was able to move out and don't have to deal with her nearly as much now, and we have a much better relationship than we did when we lived with each other (even she admits this now.)

Also, I should have added in my first post that I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I hope you and your dad can work something out that will benefit everyone. :hug:

[stephenr]

Thank you guys so much for the advice. I will talk to my dad when he gets home from work. There is nothing wrong with my mom. The only thing she suffers from is laziness. I have no paycheck this week because her cigarettes caused everything to bounce. Thankfully my bank covered it all. My check went to pay all the overdraft fees. The way its looking is we are going to have to go to a food bank. I am just looking forward for next week to hit because this week needs to end.

[blas]

When you figure out what to do with your Mom, PM me. My bf's parents are in desperate need of something to do with their deadbeat son who uses his Lyme Disease* as a reason to get out of doing anything.

* = not even actually diagnosed

[MaggieTheCat]

Her making you buy cigarettes for her is just ridiculous. Food is a little more understandable since all of you need to eat. You really need to put your foot down about the cigarettes, though. You need to tell her you're not going to buy them for her anymore. It's going to be hard and there's probably going to be a fight or a guilt trip of some kind, but it really needs to happen. Tell her everything you've told us...about how you need the money for other things (like food) and that it's just downright not fair. If you continue to pay for her addiction she's going to continue to feed off of you. If you put your foot down and she doesn't get her drug of choice, she'll either quit (which would be good for her anyway) or she'll get so desperate that she'll have to think about getting a job to feed the addiction herself.

[Whiskey]

Or make his life hell. I know this type, you can't snap them out of their own greed easily (if at all). If you're over 18 you really need to work on moving out ASAP. Do they have access to your bank information? Can you open a savings account and just say the bank ate part of your paycheck in fees every 2 weeks?

Your dad is a grown man. Its admirable you want to help him, but you need to worry about you. You're enabling the lifestyle your mom has set up and its not going to change.

[patiokitty]

Almost sounds like the OP and I share a mother - my maternal parental unit is just as bad. It's a part of the reason I have little to do with her these days. Anytime I had money and she found out she would get on my case about it.

I agree with Whiskey - if you're over 18 try to find a way to move out. Couch surf for a bit if you have to and don't worry about your dad. He needs to take a stand against your mother's actions and without you there to supplement any money he brings in he may finally put his foot down. Even if you're under 18 your mother has no right to badger you for your money. And even if you are under 18 you can still couch surf for the time being. Do you have any relatives that might take you in?

In this scenario you need to think about YOUR needs first and foremost. You parents, both of them because your dad won't stand up against your mother on your behalf, are using you. Your mother because she knows you'll buy her cigarettes, etc with your own money, and your dad because he doesn't want to upset your mother by standing up to her. Very familiar story to me. And it took me moving out to change that and it only stopped when I moved across the country.

[stephenr]

I talked to my dad and he told me he appreciates the help I have been but I realized I am not going to the support out of him so I have to start thinking about myself from now on. When I get paid next Friday, I am going to put some of it aside in my savings account. When I get enough money saved, I will look into moving out. I am 19. I figured its time I let my dad deal with the rest of the responsiblity instead of it getting pushed on me. My mom wants to get cigarettes, she can go back to working at the pizza place she spent 18 years at or if she don't want to work there, she can get a job. Thanks again for the advice, I will be telling her this tonight.

[patiokitty]

Good luck, and remember - don't let her push you around and make you feel bad for making your decision. I recommend starting to look now, and even consider a room & board situation until you can get enough saved for something different. It will get you out and away from your current living environment.

[MaggieTheCat]

Remember we are here for you if you need someone to vent to after you talk to your mom, or anytime. :) If something comes up that you don't feel comfortable posting publicly, you can always PM me.

Also remember that you are doing the right thing. Your mom will likely try to guilt trip you and make you feel bad and like you are betraying her in some way. You are not. You are doing what is best for you, and ultimately, it will be best for your parents too, because it will force both of them to figure out what they are going to do instead of relying on you all the time.

[Der Cute]

Stephenr - make SURE the bank acct you have is NOT linked to your parents. Make SURE you are the only person on that acct.
Also - open a bank security box at your local branch, about $50/year. When you can. Put your SSN card, your Birth Cert, any special other paperwork you've got, even special photos of people. Things you don't want anyone else to destroy.

After you've got the Bank Acct set up and the Sec Box done, start stashing money in an acct that is NOT linked to checking. Like an online savings or a plain bank savings account. This way it's easy to put it IN but not pull it OUT.

To move out, I've found $1000 is a good number to have. It covers first/last months rent, utility setups, furniture (craigslist) purchases etc. Shoot for that.

Practice in the mirror how to respond to your mom.
"No, no ciggys today."
"That's not possible."
"You'll have to ask Dad."

also, do not keep cash in your wallet. Your mom may sneak in and steal it for her cigs.

Find your local food bank, stock up with that - also Angel Ministries, $30 /box, lasts almost a month. And have Dad contact the utility companies - is there a way to cut bills? Cable? Phone? Cell only? how can you save money? Coupons?

It's gonna take some effort, and some spine, but we're here. A lot of us have been through interesting times and have come through just fine :).

Good Luck

[Seshat]

Also: there is NOTHING wrong about living in a crap (but safe) apartment/flat/unit, shared with a couple of other people, sleeping on a quilt on the floor (as long as your back is healthy enough) or a cheap mattress from the Salvos, with your belongings stored in neat piles and cardboard boxes in your room.

Many of us started that way. Many of us probably still live that way!

For now, I strongly recommend the bank storage box. It's better than a lockbox in your room - lockboxes can be picked up and taken away. A lockbox that can be bolted to the floor is better than a portable one, but by the time you've spent that much, you may as well have two or three bank storage boxes!

A lock for the bedroom door is also not a bad idea, and move anything of emotional significance to you to the bedroom - or the bank.

All too often, I've heard of a user (and your mother is using you!) getting back at someone who is fleeing the misuse (abuse?) by damaging or destroying their possessions - or by stealing identification or other necessary paperwork.

Get ALL of the essentials out of her reach. Fast. And be prepared to leave the house with nothing but your key to the bank storage box.

Yes, that's a worst-case scenario. And it's about 90% (or more) likely that that won't be necessary. But if you prepare for it emotionally, you will be much, much better off and better able to tell your mother to get her own cigs in future.

So how do you cope if that happens? You get help!

Places like the Salvation Army or Lifeline will help clothe you, and may give you basic furnishings. The first pick of donated clothes goes to people in desperate situations.

Friends or work colleagues are almost certain to let you couch-surf for long enough to get the bond for an apartment, or even to move in to their apartment if they have a spare room. The key to maintaining friendly relations in this situation is to make an effort to do your share of the chores (which I doubt will be a problem!), and to work on getting on your own feet as soon as reasonable (also no problem.)

Rubbish dumps nowadays often have recycling centres attached, and it's amazing how many people throw out perfectly good tables, chairs, coffee tables, beds.... all of which you can pick up at the recycling centre for a nominal price.

If you need frugal-cooking tips, or frugal-living tips, we're all well and truly able to help!

But I assure you - you can, and will, not just survive, but thrive once you're out of that toxic environment. Even if you get out of 'toxic' and into 'poor'.

[Whiskey]

But I assure you - you can, and will, not just survive, but thrive once you're out of that toxic environment. Even if you get out of 'toxic' and into 'poor'.

seshat posts only true things, but this is the most important. People think going from a toxic environment to a poor one is the same thing. Its not. Your mentality changes, which enables you to do better and do things you didnt think you could before. If you dont have a car, get a bike (if you live in an area where you could reasonably bike everywhere. I know people who bike 10 miles to and from work every day, just pack work clothes in a backpack). Getting out of a toxic environment is absolutely key. I lived without furniture for the longest time. I sat on boxes and ate ramen noodles, it was STILL better than the situation I got out of. Invest in a crock pot if you got a spare 20$ and we can give you some extremely cheap, nutritious meals. Beans are one of the healthiest food, rice isnt bad, and i'm sure someone can lend you a spice or two. Just for reference, i just picked up 5lbs of chicken drumsticks for 3.50 from the most expensive grocery store in town (its the one in walking distance :(). Its not much, but i can add that to a number of dishes so it lasts longer.

Also, girls LOVE helping guys in their first apartment. absolutely friggin love it. especially older women. if you mention youre moving into your own place at work, i'd be surprised if you werent tackled by all of them trying to give you stuff to make your house a home.

[roothorick]

When you figure out what to do with your Mom, PM me. My bf's parents are in desperate need of something to do with their deadbeat son who uses his Lyme Disease* as a reason to get out of doing anything.

* = not even actually diagnosed

If he really did have untreated Lyme, he wouldn't be able to get out of bed most days and would be constantly in pain. Videogames are right out. Call him out on his shit, I say.

(I'm assuming "My bf" and "their deadbeat son" are separate people of course. I hope you don't talk about your boyfriend that way...)

[stephenr]

Thanks for the advice guys. I talked to my mom and lets just say it ended odd. She yelled at me saying I didn't care about her. I am a disappointment to the family. I now have to pay a monthly rent of $150 dollars to live here and pay for gas. I will be leaving when I get hired by the golfing company full time and I have enough money saved up. At this point, I want to be gone because I can sense more sinister motives coming soon.

[Whiskey]

Honestly, while it sucks, its not a terrible deal to pay 150$ plus gas, as long as that is ALL youre giving them. If they want you to give them gas money, no dice, you pump that gas to make sure the money goes in the bank

If your mom tells you that you dont care about her, ask her why you would buy her cigarettes when it causes lung/jaw/mouth cancer among other terrible, painful, and expensive diseases. Not to mention fatal.

[Seshat]

seshat posts only true things

Thank you.

[Magpie]

Honestly, while it sucks, its not a terrible deal to pay 150$ plus gas, as long as that is ALL youre giving them. If they want you to give them gas money, no dice, you pump that gas to make sure the money goes in the bank

Most of what I wanted to say has been said here already, but this is key. It's perfectly reasonable for your parents to charge you rent, if you're out of high school and able to work. There are some circumstances where it's reasonable for them to ask you to contribute to the household expenses in general. What they are asking is NOT reasonable. Even if both your parents were working, and you were on social assistance and somehow they still needed more money, they should not be spending everything you make. Give them the $150, and if your mom asks for more, remind her that you paid rent.

[patiokitty]

I would recommend getting a receipt for the $150 rent you pay them. I learned this from experience with my own parents...I paid them my rent ($200 at the time) one time and conveniently my mother claimed I hadn't. The fight was on and in order to stay on their good side at that point I gave her another $200 to shut my mother up. Only to overhear her on the phone having a good chuckle over how she got me to pay $400 for the month and that she should do that more often. She didn't like looking up to see me standing there, pissed right off at her. When I asked for the second $200 back she told me "Tough shit. I already spent it."

Needless to say, the next month when she tried to collect the rent I told her off...and moved in with my boyfriend.

But, the moral of the story is 'get the payment in writing'. Actually, get everything in writing so they don't try to screw you over any more than they already have.

[Magpie]

I'm going to have to second the "get a receipt" point. I was debating whether or not to put it in, because it is saying "I don't trust you, and I'm going to treat you like a stranger". Decide if the relationship is bad enough that you need to do that.

[protege]

Ugh. And I thought *my* parents were bad...

When things got tough years ago, they used my bank accounts as their own S&L. Nearly everything I made from the paper route, various odd jobs, summer camp, etc. was being used to pay *their* bills. At the time I was a minor, and because their names were on the account, they basically drained every cent out of it. There were checks for my own (elementary) school tuition, payments for my brothers drum lessons (!), and other things that weren't mine. All of that was justified by "well, he lives here, he owes us something." Pissed me off, since even though I *made* the money, I wasn't even allowed to spend it. Any spending was tightly controlled...since they had to sign the check. Pardon my French, but fuck that shit.

The final straw came, when I found out that my mother wrote a check for $500 on my account...to get one of their cars fixed. After that, I transferred everything to a new account, and hid the checkbook. How did she get the checkbook in the first place? Simple, she went through my bedroom (or "apartment," since I paid rent), and snooped until she found it. Again, justified by "it's my house, I'll do what I want." Did I ever see that cash again? Of course not. I was told that their repayment was being put towards "rent." Again, fuck that.

That went on until I moved out. Karma came around to bite my mother on the ass. Seems that my brothers are still living there..and neither one does jack shit around the house. Now she's complaining about having to "work all day, and then come home to more work." Telling her to make my brothers do stuff tends to fall on deaf ears. Oh well, not my problem :p

[Whiskey]

Your mom isnt going to write a receipt. Give that broad a money order. Walmart will cash it if she doesnt have a bank account. Oh and like protege just posted, just because you pay rent doesnt mean you get any freedom or privacy. You should, but you wont.

[MaggieTheCat]

stephenr, I mentioned your story to a friend of mine last night. She has a friend who went through something similar to you. The girl in question was 18 at the time and had gotten a scholarship to go to school. She was still living with her parents and somehow her parents got ahold of her scholarship check, cashed it, and spent the money on stuff like bills and groceries. And they felt totally justified in doing it because "We are a family, you are living here as part of this family, and we needed this money to pay bills. This was your contribution to the family." Mind you, they never told her that they needed/wanted money for anything and were not charging her rent.

She moved out shortly after that and has a munch better relationship with her parents now that she doesn't live near them.

[JLG]

Your situation sounds like something my friend is going through. We talked about it the other night when she went with me on my 2 hour drive to my brothers house.

Her parents depend on her for their living expenses. Her dad works as a cashier at a home improvement store (he got laid off from his job as manager of a floor and tile company) and her mom does not work.

My friend pays $500 in rent and helps buy groceries and other things that they need. She stays living with them because her littler sister is only 12 years old and she doesn't want her sister growing up having to worry about having not enough food to eat or needing clothes and supplies for school.

Her dad keeps telling her mom that she needs to work but her mom spends most of her time claiming to look for work or complaining about how she can't do most jobs because she is too old to learn. She has worked in the past but for 3 years was babysitting her nieces child but that ended this year when the child started school full time.

My friend told me that after rent and bills her dad only has $15 left a week for groceries. That is why my friend stays. Without her it would be rough. But with her there they know that she will help them and not leave them because of her little sister.

In two years we are moving to a different state and she told her parents they have that amount of time to figure things out because she won't be living with them to help out anymore.

Good luck and lets us know your progress.

[Talon]

Reading this thread, just... holy fuck. I have my own issues with my parents, but they would never in a million years dream of stealing from me.

After that, I transferred everything to a new account, and hid the checkbook.


So how massive a tantrum did she throw when she discovered you had firewalled her deadbeat ass?

Seems that my brothers are still living there..and neither one does jack shit around the house. Now she's complaining about having to "work all day, and then come home to more work."

What else could she expect? She leaches off the responsible one (you) while coddling the deadbeats. It's like de-evolution in action. Reap what you sow.

[Seshat]

My friend pays $500 in rent and helps buy groceries and other things that they need. She stays living with them because her littler sister is only 12 years old and she doesn't want her sister growing up having to worry about having not enough food to eat or needing clothes and supplies for school.

If she documents the situation, she may be able to get custody of her sister - if she wants to.

Or she may be able to channel funds to a trust administered by some child support agency that ensures her sister gets school supplies, uniforms and food, but the parents don't get money. In Australia, there's an organisation called the 'Smith Family' that funds school supplies & etc for children in need - they or someone like them would be approachable.

There has to be a way for your friend to support her sister but not her parents.

[JLG]

If she documents the situation, she may be able to get custody of her sister - if she wants to.
Or she may be able to channel funds to a trust administered by some child support agency that ensures her sister gets school supplies, uniforms and food, but the parents don't get money.
There has to be a way for your friend to support her sister but not her parents.


Good point. I wouldn't mind either of her sister came to live with us when we move in two years. She is a good kid and my friend is a great sister to her.

[Seshat]

Get a three bedroom apartment and move your friend and her sister out now, if you want to.

Talk with legal aid and/or whichever agency is responsible for child welfare and custody before you do anything, though. Your friend is not the legal guardian of her sister, and will need that status to be able to make arbitrary decisions like moving her away from their parents.

[stephenr]

My dad finally had enough today and gave my mom an ultimatum. Get a job or leave. He told her he wants her working by the end of the month or she can leave because all she has done is take up space while He and myself have to work in a hot warehouse for 6-8 hour days and sometimes more. He told her he is done buying her cigarettes and if she wants them, she can buy them herself. He pretty much is fed up with the same things I am. She can go work through the temp agency or get her old job back at the Pizza Place because they keep calling her cell phone asking her to come back but she keeps ignoring it.

[Whiskey]

Heres hoping your dad keeps to that. *\o/*

[MaggieTheCat]

Hear, hear! Good for your dad, and good for you for standing up to her when you did. Make sure you both stay true to your word. Be there for your dad if he starts feeling guilty or changes his mind, and we'll be here for you if the same happens to you.

How did your mom take it? (badly, I assume, but did she give any indication that she's gonna look for a job?)

[Aethian]

Woot good for him.

[Der Cute]

Yay Dad!! Go! And let's hope everything smooths out soon.

[Rapscallion]

How's she taken it?

Rapscallion

[trailerparkmedic]

Yay Dad!!

I just wanted to add that when you move out, check out Freecycle. You'd be surprised what people freely offer, and what you can get if you ask and have someone with a truck to pick stuff up. I'm in a big city but I see TVs and mattresses several times a week and various pieces of furniture daily.

[stephenr]

She got a job working at a company so everything is pretty much set for now hopefully. Thank you guys so much for the advice you gave.

[Whiskey]

I just wanted to add that when you move out, check out Freecycle. You'd be surprised what people freely offer, and what you can get if you ask and have someone with a truck to pick stuff up. I'm in a big city but I see TVs and mattresses several times a week and various pieces of furniture daily.

Its not the topic of the thread, but i've gotten a lot of spam from freecycle lately. And i'm randomly unsubscribed from it.


also, its amazing how fast your mom got a job when she was confronted. I hope your situation continues to get better. Even though it has now, keep saving to move out! just because its better now, doesnt mean itll stay that way.

[Talon]

I guess putting the fear of nicotine-loss in her got her very motivated :p

[stephenr]

I guess putting the fear of nicotine-loss in her got her very motivated :p

That is pretty much what did it. She has been smoking since she was in her early teens and she is now in her early forties. I guess she realized that routine where she starts to cry and say we don't care about her doesn't work anymore. She did that to my dad and my dad just stayed calm during it and told her to grow up because he was sick of supporting the household and having to use my money for groceries.