Taking stock of life

[Knightmare]

This may be too deep at almost 1:00 a.m., but here goes.
With all that's been happening to me lately, I've had lots of time for thinking. I know I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. Who is? We all change. The thing is, I am almost completely opposite of what I was. And it isn't a change for the better.
I used to be fun, outgoing, eager, enthusiastic. I was fun to be around. I liked going out and doing things. I used to road trip. I used to date underwear models (yes, really!).
Now I am a moody, depress SOB. I don't want to be around people. If I have a day off, and I'm not out job hunting, I'm at home, curtains closed, in the dark. I don't listen to music anymore. I'm basically anti-social. I don't care about much of anything. I smoke more than ever. I have no confidence.
My ZM came up to me today and started joking around, which is very rare for him. All I did was say "yeah" and :rolleyes:. He asked me to follow him, and I did. We went into the office and he closed the door. He asked what was happening. So I told him. I told him everything. He actually sat and listened. It felt good to have someone just listen for a while. He and I talked for about 30 minutes, and he gave some advice, but mainly he said "Knightmare, you need to get your shit together."
I know I need to change things in my life, but I don't know how. I have no clue. And with my string of luck, I don't see anything happening. As the saying goes; "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."
I'm not writing this for a Knightmare pity-party. Lord knows, my problems are small compared to what some of you are going through. In a small way, writing this helps me.
I'd see a psychologist or counselor if I had the money or insurance. Am I going through a mid-life crisis all ready? I'm not even 35 yet.

The point of this is, have any of you gone through something like this, and how did you get out of it? Any help and advice would be GREATLY appreciated.


Sorry if this post was a downer.

[Kiwi]

And with my string of luck, I don't see anything happening. As the saying goes; "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."


ZING! thats it right there in a nutshell....

Im going to be blunt because its the closest thing I can give you to a shake over the net. Stop saying stuff like that, it is not going to get you anywhere.

You know that saying "fake it till you make it", cheesey as it is, its damn right. You want change, then change. If you dont know what to change, then pick something at random and change it, if it doesnt work then pick something else. You keep going and going until it works even if it takes years. Slap a smile on your face and say to yourself over and over and over and over "Im happy, Im content, my life is blessed" blah blah blah.

Success is 1% luck, 90% perserverance 8% bloody mindedness. (totally just made up those numbers and realised... they dont add up to 100 HAHA!!!) :D

The rabble give up and setting into their middle class wage slave possesion driven life.... hoping to get onto a reality tv show on HGTV so a room can be made over...The truely determined are the ones who stick it out, blow through all the hard crap that live can through you.

I think people settle into that notion of this dream land (I know I do) where everyone is happy all of the time and there are great jobs and you think to your self... everyone else has a family, everyone else has more friends/money/leisure time than me, nicer things than me, whats wrong with me? why dont I feel happy just like everybody else?

Everyone feels that way some of the time, its easy to look at other peoples lives and wonder how they seem so together and perfect.... if you could see inside their head, they are just as bored and bewildered and overwhelmed as you are. Maybe there just better at hiding it. I know I am, during my teenyears my godmother nicknamed me the "cheerbug" because I always looked on the bright side of life. This was at a time when I was suicidal and deeply depressed. I acted happy because it was the only thing I could do. I would plaster a smile on my face and be stubborn enough to not let it beat me.

You have to decide how the rest of your life is going to be, no one else can force you to get on with life, only you can do that. Journal or write some goals and plaster them over your walls, sit down and decide what would really make you content in this world. If you can not afford a professional thearpist (and I really would encourage you to try and get some sessions in even if you have to save up each indivdual session) keep charging ahead.

Your life isnt working for you right now, so do something about it, no one can tell you how, think about whats making you this way, and what would change that, then take steps towards it.... in the words of billy crystal...baby steps, baby step :eek:

[Der Cute]

Knighty:

Take this with a small grain of salt. I come from a place where I have lived it and am still knee deep in shite.

I understand being dark.

I've been at the point where I was looking at my scissors and thinking..hmm how much would it hurt if I cut my juglar?
How much would I bleed?
Times where I cant get out of bed, the 800 pound gorilla has taken residence on me.
Times where Im barely eating, cleaning, and using the toilet.

Being depressed is NOT something to do alone.

Its a chemical imbalance in your brain, the transmitters arent sending enought dopamine/ seratonin and the catchers arent catching it like they should. A lot like an O2 sensor on a car: it runs but sucks more gas, doesnt start well...just ..off.

I have to take medication to keep out of the ditches in life. And when I find myself falling INTO THE DITCH WITH THE GORILLA ...I have to ask for help.

I want you to march your ass TO THE CLOSEST LOW INCOME CLINIC IN YOUR CITY. NOW.
If you dont...CALL DEPT OF HEALTH & SOCIAL SVC and ask for a Sliding Scale counseling firm....FIND A PLACE THAT HELPS THE NEEDY.

You need it. No ifs ands or buts. You're worth it. Yes. And this stuff is hidden behind/under 10 miles of paperwork, I'll be honest. But there ARE people/ companies built to help the low income/ mentally ill/ needy people.

All you have to do is ask. If your boss is noticing it, its not just him. You're affecting others in your company. (small side effect)


If you're noticing it, good. Its first step towards working on the problem.

Good luck hon

Cutenoob

[NightAngel]

I think CN is right- you should find somewhere (clinic, etc.) where you can get some help.

It isn't easy putting life in perspective and seeing an open path sometimes. An unbiased opinion would probably do you some good. If nothing else just venting it all out can't hurt anything- might even help.

I went through a bit of a depression last year. Just happened.
I FORCED myself to get up and get out of the house for a minimum of 1 hour a day. Work didn't count either. Usually I'd take my kid to the pool- I'd lay out, soak up some sun and he'd wear himself out swimming. Suddenly, one day I realized I was having a great time and was staying for hours.

Also many days my friend and I would go to the beach. Some days I'd think, "I'd rather just sit here..." but I'd load up the car, pick her up and we'd have a great time, every time- and we wouldn't want to come home at the end of the day.

I was also very, very brown. :D

I'm looking forward to starting all that up again this year.

Find something to get you out for a bit every day- you'll feel better. Take your daughter to the park, for a walk, McD's playland- SOMETHING.
When she isn't with you then you still need to do SOMETHING!

[stormtreader]

As the saying goes; "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."


I agree with Kiwi - You need to try and get this idea out of your head, or it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Its like the SCs that see racism/discrimination when there isnt any: if youre always looking for whats going wrong, you wont see any of the good stuff.

Being anti-social can be a bad habit, if you didnt used to be like this and dont want to be, you need to push yourself to try and get out of your cave, even if its meeting up with a friend for coffee for an hour or something. Ive been in that place (to a lesser extent though) and sometimes you forget that youre allowed to go do stuff, and that its not impossible.

If you fake being cheery for long enough, it becomes a habit and one day you realise youve gotten used to the idea and dont have to fake it so much anymore. That being said, i do have to agree with CN: theres no extra points awarded for trying to struggle through on your own, take the help that you can get.

I hope you find a way back to where you want to be :)

[Rahmota]

Knightmare all I have to say is that no matter how hard the universe hits you you CAN stand up and take it. I've stood on the edge of the abyss and looked hard into the dark. Its looked into me. We came to an understanding that each day I wake up is a victory for me. That no matter what as long as you can wake up each day thats one step closer out of the hole.

This past year was rather problematic at best. Between the minor of getting fired and the major of my mother developing Cancer, my wife having a few health issues, loosing friends, etc... I felt like a ping pong ball in a dryer. Just bouncing from one hard knock to another.

But each day while a struggle and a challenge is also an opportunity. If you decide to give up and let the universe roll over you then you've missed that opportunity. If you decide to stand up and face it either alone if you can or with help if you can't then you are siezing that opportunity to dig out of the hole and not let the universe roll over you. Its your choice in the end, your life and you can control it or let it control you. Set a goal, work towards that goal each day. Even if that goal is somethign as simple as getting through the day without having a compleate breakdown or strangling someone.

I choose to take control. If this means I feel pain or have problems then thats what happens. I have my true close friends, I have my love of my family and I have the guiding light of the goal of keeping my family farm running so I can pass it on to my kids when I am gone. These things are the compass and the rock for me. For others it may be whatever means the most to you that reminds you that you are not truely alone unless you let yourself be.

Peace and long life friend. Even if you are in darkness there is light.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Hi, I'm a newbie here and I kind of feel like I'm butting in, but, wow, Knightmare, I think I could have written this one myself.... I don't know if I have advice, but it might be some comfort to know you are definitely not alone. Not mid-life--maybe you are having a "quarterlife crisis"...(there's actually a book by that title, published 2001 by Robbins and Wilner). I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for several years now --wanting to change but not knowing how, feeling rather hopeless. I can be a bit anti-social too; I usually go out when my friends call, but I don't initiate it much...I'd rather lie in bed and watch TV, or sleep. Which just depresses me more. It really is a bad habit, hiding away. And the more you do it, the easier it gets.

The comment by Kiwi about how it seems like everyone else has a "[great job/]family...more friends/money/[etc.]...what's wrong with me?" is my life to a T. Most of my college friends are married, several have kids...2 of them just announced their 2nd pregnancies and one just got engaged. And our 10 year reunion is coming up. Me, I moved back in with my parents after my boyfriend and I broke up last year, and I can't afford to move out, and I don't seem to have the energy to look for other options. It's hard to fight the inertia.

I haven't gotten up the courage to find a therapist yet, but I've done some reading on the subject. I think most insurance will cover a certain amount of sessions, but if you don't have that option, a lot of therapists charge on a sliding scale depending on what you can afford. Check with your doctor, if you have one, and ask for some names. It's also a good idea to get a physical check-up. That's where I started. Sometimes other things can be going on (hypothyroidism, for one example, can cause depression). (Hey, look at that, maybe I have some advice, after all.) I wish my problems were that simple, and yours may not be either, but at least I ruled that out, which gave me some peace of mind. I've been on medication (Effexor) for a few years, and it does help, even though I think that doctors sometimes push them too much, and it can be difficult to find the right one. I was lucky and had only tried one other before that, but from what I read some people go through several and it can take several weeks or more to even know if it's working for some of them, which is why I wouldn't necessarily recommend going that route without careful consideration and discussion with a doctor. Hypocritical of me to say, since I haven't done it, but I think speaking to a therapist first is a better idea, since they can probably help determine if medication is warranted better than the average general practitioner can. Like others have said, getting out with friends and such helps; also taking a class or volunteering somewhere can also help get you out of the house, even if it's only a couple of hours a week at the animal shelter (nothing like a little unconditional furry love) or something.

From your post, I think we are about the same age (I'm 31). Magazines always have stories of people feeling all adrift and thinking everyone else is so much more together, but they're always about 20somethings just out of school, which makes me feel like I should be past all this by now. But I know it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not alone, even at my age. And I know I don't know you, but I'd like to send you a :hug:

-ams-

[Maevis]

Excercise: Whatever it is you like to do. I find that when I'm down if I can go out for a walk...even for just 15 minutes in the morning, I feel a bit better.

Journaling: Set the timer for 15 minutes and just write...anything that bothers you or make a list of what you are going to do for the day, or write out 10 pages that say blah, blah, blah. You don't have to read it when you are done. You can even zip it through a shredder or toss it in the fire place. It's just a great way to get all the crap and noise out of your head so you can make room for other things.

Keeping a clean house: (For all I know you are an incredibly neat/organized person...if so disregard this). When I'm depressed I tend to let my home fall apart, and then I look around and feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Check out flylady.com it's a wonderful site about getting your home organized and it's done in very small 15 minute parts.


Meditation: My personal favorite is Vipassana Meditiation. Here's the website if you are interested (It requires no religious belief system) http://www.dhamma.org/

Find a song that makes you feel good. Play it really loud every morning and sing along with it, as loud as you can.

Here's one of my personal favorites: If you have your own yard, or a place where loud crashing noises aren't going to bother people then go to the thrift store and buy a bunch of 25 cent dish plates. Put on a pair of safety glasses and long sleeve shirt/long pants, maybe a pair of work gloves. Then start breaking the plates...hammer them, toss them on the ground, heave them at a brick wall, whack them with a baseball bat, just go to town. I don't know why, but this always makes me feel better. Doesn't cost much, doesn't hurt any one, and I get to scream and curse and be wild and naughty...breaking up all those good dishes.
(plus I know a person who does mosaics and is usually quite happy to get all the broken bits for his work)