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View Full Version : Kara: An Abridged History of Truth and Loss (Epic Length)


Kara
12-30-2010, 08:46 AM
So, I've mentioned it off and on lately, but I've got a lot going on right now in my personal life. In fact, I am without a doubt at the lowest point in my life, and I hope and pray it never gets worse than this.

So I am here to whine and cry and share my woes. It's very uncharacteristic of me, but it's something I feel like I need to do. It's long, it's complicated, and it's probably going to be pretty shocking. But it's necessary to get the full picture. I apologize in advance if you hate me by the time this is over.

I'm going to try not to ramble. This is very hard for me, because I NEVER let anyone get too close to knowing the "true" me. But that's the good thing about the internet. It's the closest I can get to letting the real Kara show. So here goes...

Most of my life, I knew something was different. These days they might say a kid like me was "socially awkward" or "sensitive." I always felt out of place, even with my best friends. I've lived my whole life in Kansas, and while it's not just a bunch of bumpkin farmers and Fred Phelpses, it's not the most accepting place to be for people who live "alternative" lifestyles.

So, by the time I was 15 I realized what was "wrong" with me. I couldn't put my finger on it before then because I wasn't like anyone I knew. All I knew about people like me was that we were freaks, outcasts, and probably going to Hell. It conflicted with every moral value and social norm I had been taught to accept and it rocked me to the core. One night, knowing I could never be accepted, could never be "me," I sat in the dark in my room with a knife to my wrist. I don't know how long I sat there, but ultimately I couldn't bring myself to destroy the "abomination" that I perceived myself to be.

Because, despite all outward appearances, things weren't as they seemed. It couldn't be seen by anyone, but it was a fact that rang true from the depths of my soul.

I was a girl.

Yes. I am transgendered. A lot of things made sense when I realized it, but at the time I had only seen transpeople on Jerry Springer, so I was less than thrilled to be associated with them. My parents and most of my extended family were (and are) bigots. I denied it, I fought it, I prayed that I this would be "fixed." One night, a few months after I thought I had to take my own life, I got an answer. It was an understanding that calmed the turmoil within me, put me at peace. It was the understanding that there was nothing to "fix" because there was nothing wrong. I was made to be this way, for reasons beyond my understanding. So once I accepted it, things got a lot easier.

Then I joined the cheerleaders and became prom Queen. No, far from it. It's a very complex thing, being a transwoman. I accepted it, but I wasn't "out." For me, that was enough. I had always been (and still am) very withdrawn and show different sides to different people as the situation requires. But never the complete picture. Never the whole "me." Then, at 17, we got internet at home and I discovered an entirely new world of possibilities and self-expression. I could relax, could be "real" (which is pathetic, I know, when you think of being "real" in a virtual realm). I found acceptance.

So what does this have to do with now? I'm getting to that. I met a girl in Orchestra my sophomore year of high school. She made the move before I did, and asked me out. In 2001, we were married. By 2005, we had 2 children. Also in 2005, I told my wife pretty much what I wrote above. I expected her to take our daughter and son and walk away, never looking back. Instead she proved to be more accepting than I could have ever imagined. Not that I didn't love her and believe in her, but because I always expect the worst possible outcome. This was, like, 2 weeks before Halloween, and she suggested a wonderful costume for me since there was a contest at work that day. So she got me all dolled up and, to deflect suspicion that I was a little "too" comfortable, stuck a pillow to my stomach so my costume was "pregnant woman." That was the only time I was ever really me in public. I hide, because I am afraid. Does that make me a coward? Maybe. There's a lot of hate in the world, and I don't want to face it. I know what I am and that's fine.

Let's jump ahead to 2008. Lots of stuff happened. We had another son in 06, I lost my job at T-Mobile after 4 great years, and started at the prison. My wife who had even encouraged me to "come out" publicly, decided that there actually was something wrong with the "girl stuff" and that it should stop immediately never be mentioned again. I had initially raised concerns about the children and how they would deal with it, and she explained it to our daughter (who at the time was old enough to process it). And really, they loved their "mama Kara."

Then there was the stuff that happened with my parents. For those of you who don't remember, my daughter told us that my father had touched her "girl parts." An investigation was filed and closed with nothing found, and my relationship with my parents went to hell. We tried to work through things, but the doubt hung over our heads just like the anger hung over theirs. It ended badly, with a screaming match and then I wrote a letter telling my parents that I wanted no further contact with them at all. Then I went to my doctor and asked to be put on antidepressants, because that's what the multimillion dollar drug company campaigns tell you to do. To date, I have tried many different kinds and while some have made me worse, none make me feel any better. Then in June, I found out I had Diverticulitis when my intestine ruptured and I almost died from septicemia.

2 surgeries later, we come to 2010. On December 8th, I was having a really bad day. None of the kids wanted to cooperate, mommy was still at work, and I had to get them ready for school. My oldest son, he's... difficult. They thought he might have autism when he was little, but didn't see any of the indicators. But he has these episodes when things get to be too much where he is capable of just about anything. He yells, screams, hits himself, throws things, you name it. We were all yelling at each other and when I told him to get his shoes on, he stood there screaming and hitting himself in the forehead with his fist. I'm also refereeing the other two at the same time, and I needed him to sit down and stop hurting himself. The quickest thing I could do was to put my foot out to push him in off balance so he'd sit down. Then, on the way to school, the fight was still ongoing and my daughter, who sits in the passenger seat in my car since mommy had the van at work, was trying to keep her brothers riled up. I put my arm out to the side to get her to stop.

When my wife came home, I told her it had been a horrible morning, that the kids refused to listen and just wanted to throw fits, because that's all any of it amounted to that morning. We were eating a late lunch when the police came to the door. They told my wife they needed to ask her some questions because there were "allegations." We had no idea what was going on. I assured her everything would be fine, that she would talk to them and get everything straightened out. So I stayed home with our youngest and got lunch cleaned up and gave the dog a bath. When I was done, the police came again, this time needed to ask me some questions. I was fine with that.

They asked me what happened that morning and told me that there were allegations that I hit my children. I told them exactly what happened. The detective told me, "well, I don't believe that you just pushed your son with your foot. You kicked him." I said no, and he said, "well, your foot made contact with his stomach, and that's a kick no matter how you look at it." I figured that if that was how he was going to view it, then I had to concede that fact with the clarification that I didn't, like, football punt him or anything. They had me write a statement, so I wrote down exactly what I told them. Then they arrested me on 3 counts of child abuse and told me that they were having my wife file a Protection From Abuse order, (NOTE: this will be important later) and I spent 2 days in jail. The jail which sits less than a mile from the prison where I work.

I was devastated. It didn't make any sense. I called my sister, because I didn't know who else to call. My mother came to my arraignment and posted my bond. The arraignment was where things got more confusing. I was charged on 2 counts of Abuse of a Child. The first for "kicking and punching" my son in the stomach, and the second for "punching" my daughter in the stomach. I was not allowed to be in my home or have contact with my wife or the kids. So, I went to my parents' house, because I have literally nowhere else to go. That means I've been trying to come to work things out with my parents. My wife has tried to get me to talk to them within the last few months, because she believes a lot of my anger comes from carrying the incident that may or may not have happened with my father on my shoulders. We've opened up to the fact that it may have been something that she just took the wrong way, I certainly still have a hard time seeing my father being capable of something like that. But I kept putting it off, because I just didn't want to deal with it. Don't really have a choice now, though.

Yes, I have an anger problem. I tend to blow up, to yell and scream and say stupid things that I later regret. But I have never harmed my kids to a degree that any sane person would consider to be abusive. I saw a therapist in the spring of 09, but my wife didn't like her because we talked about "the girl thing." We then saw a family counselor who's methods didn't really apply and he wasn't covered by my insurance, so it was expensive. I don't like being angry all the time, and if nothing else, I'm going to beat this anger problem once and for all after this.

The last bit of information I have at this time was my PFA hearing on Monday. It was the first time I'd seen my wife in 3 weeks, and it broke my heart to see what this has done to her. She said my son had a bruise above his left eye on his forehead, which is where he had been hitting himself which is why I had to stop him. The judge asked if the police took pictures and she said no. Why the hell not? That didn't make any sense to me. At the prison, if a guy falls out of bed and bangs his elbow, we take a picture just in case. It's one of the first things that we do when there is an injury or use of force, but the police were just like, "Oh well, we don't need a picture, even though we're trying to paint the accused as a monster." She had the people she's staying with take a picture. She said the police have not talked to her at all except to tell her that I "admitted my guilt," which is total bullshit. I stated the facts of what happened and wrote it down to that effect. I guess my son said I hit him with a curtain rod, which is how he got the bruise on his head. I did take a curtain rod and smack it on the stair rail and yell for them to stop. Then I put it back in the bedroom. This is something my wife does on occasion and is usually effective. But I did not and have never hit them with it.

That's when I realized this is all a fucking game. SRS in Kansas is insane. They take everything too far because they wound up looking like jackasses a couple of times in recent years when there were seriously bad things happening in a household and they didn't do anything. So now they've gone to the other extreme. My wife literally lives in fear of these people, terrified that if you make one wrong move they'll swoop in and take your kids. So she's doing everything they tell her to, but she looked even more confused after the judge questioned her on a couple of conflicting pieces of information. I only hope that she believes in me and that she realizes she's being used. In fact, a lot of times she gets mad at me for being "too soft" on them when she felt they should have been spanked.

So anyway, she doesn't want to stay at the house. I can imagine it's probably a pretty painful place to be right now, and she's staying with friends or family. I'm not allowed to know. So on Monday evening, I am allowed back into my home, without my family.

And that's where I am so far in all this. I have a lawyer and from the way it looks like they have mishandled this whole thing (pictures of the only evidence they could have used against me were not taken as they should have been, the charges don't match with what happened based on my wife's testimony, and I have a list of doctors, teachers, and in-home educators who are required by law to report even a suspicion of abuse, and none have ever had cause to do so), it should be sorted out fairly soon once it gets started. I have court Monday afternoon, but my lawyer said that all that will happen is both sides will ask for a continuance since there wasn't time to prepare a case due to the holidays.

So that's me. That's my life so far, in a nutshell. I'm afraid to put it all out there like this, but it felt good to get it out. In the, what, almost 4 years I've been on this site, I've made a lot of friends. You already know me better than all but a select few of the people in the "real" world. Now you know me as a whole person.

ParkingWitch
12-30-2010, 09:08 AM
Kara, I'll add you to my prayers.

Plaidman
12-30-2010, 10:25 AM
Mega hugs.

Don't know if it helps or not, but I always thought you were a girl.

Doesn't matter, ya know I love ya anyway.

Hope you get your family back.

And maybe ya should move to Portland ORegon or something, where it isn't as bad.

Mr. Anubite
12-30-2010, 10:37 AM
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

I don't understand how they would think of the incident as abuse. What were you supposed to do, allow him to attack himself?

Seshat
12-30-2010, 11:49 AM
If you feel female, you are female. Maybe your body doesn't agree, but I know many transpeople, and they're just like the rest of us. Some good, some bad, most middling. In other words: human.
(I use 'they' because I, myself, am not trans.)

I do think you need counselling, perhaps individual counselling at this point. Get the anger under control, and deal with your feelings about your birthfamily, your wife's lack of acceptance of 'the girl thing', and advice on dealing with your oldest boy's problems.

I think your oldest boy needs counselling, and better techniques for handling overstress.

You can probably request affordable access to appropriate counselling from the judge - especially if he's a family court judge. And if he's good, he'll know that it's important that you can get on with and work with your counsellor, so he'll give you access to a group from which to choose. (try one, if he/she doesn't work, try a second..)

Similarly, the judge may be able to get help for your son, and your wife.

By the sound of what you've said, the judge is on 'your side', as in, the side of finding out if anything's wrong in the family and healing it.

I, too, wish you the best. This sounds like a hellish time for you - all of you. Including the children.

lupo pazzesco
12-30-2010, 03:28 PM
Kara. First of all *mega hugs*

Secondly, no, don't hate you. can't hate you. I am so incredibly sorry to hear what you're going through, and can only keep you and your family in my thoughts, and hope for a speedy, and positive resolution.

I can't say I know exactly what you're going through. I can't say I can empathize, but I can say that you're right, this is a wonderfully loving, caring and compassionate community, and I, personally, feel honored that you would trust us with this much of yourself.

While I can't offer any solutions, and any cliche adages just seem wrong, I can only reiterate what I've said before. I have a shoulder to cry on, I have Kleenex, and am only a PM away.

*more hugs*

Kara
12-30-2010, 03:49 PM
Thanks guys. I mean it. The last few weeks have been hell for me and it's nice to know I have somewhere to turn.

Mega hugs.

Don't know if it helps or not, but I always thought you were a girl.


Yeah, me too. It's funny, the few people I have told IRL, even my wife, said, "Well, that explains a lot."

I don't understand how they would think of the incident as abuse. What were you supposed to do, allow him to attack himself?

That's the thing. I was really confused and caught off guard when the detective talked to me. I said he was having one of his fits, but didn't go into detail about him hitting himself. I don't know why, it just didn't occur to me to say anything about it. I don't think it would have made a difference though. So right now, none of my accusers know about this, mainly because they never bothered to clarify.

I think your oldest boy needs counselling, and better techniques for handling overstress.

By the sound of what you've said, the judge is on 'your side', as in, the side of finding out if anything's wrong in the family and healing it.

I, too, wish you the best. This sounds like a hellish time for you - all of you. Including the children.

That's why the family counselor we went to wasn't effective. He would say, "imagine your son acting out for X situation and visualize what you will do, so that when it happens you already know how to respond." Hey, uh, did you not understand the part where it's impossible to tell what might set him off and how he's going to react? You can visualize 10 different scenarios and be wrong with all of them.

The judge ordered me to seek anger management, but I already got back with my counselor (the first one) last week. He recommended counseling for her and the kids, and she said she will be seeking it eventually. He told her "we aren't looking at family counseling... yet." He's not the same judge that will be hearing my case, but you could tell he was pretty confused by the whole thing. Though he did order the PFA to be in effect for one year, pending the results of the trial (so when this is cleared up, we can have it tossed).

Lupo, thanks. Really. You guys are awesome. This has been my "safe" place for a long time now. I've got lots of people who tell me how awesome I am, but really, you guys are the best. You make this a wonderful place to be a part of.

I'll keep you all in the know as things happen. I don't know how long this is going to last, but hopefully it will be sorted out soon. Once it goes to trial, their flimsy case is going to fall apart. I love my kids more than anything in this world, and I would do anything for them. I'm planning the biggest family hug when this is over.

Indigo
12-30-2010, 03:52 PM
*big hugs*

I'm sorry all of this is happening to you. My family was railroaded by DSS (Department of Social Services) many times when we lived in MD - so I know what you're going through. I'll keep you in my thoughts and I hope that you can be back with your kids and wife soon.

Becks
12-30-2010, 04:41 PM
*oodles of hugs and an offer to listen if needed*

It shouldn't
12-30-2010, 05:32 PM
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

My nephew (8) does hitting/screaming/kicking fits like you describe.
He was just diagnosed with Asbergers.

Amina516
12-30-2010, 05:38 PM
Kara, I have nothing to offer but my condolences for your situation and prayer for you and yours.

I hope this all gets worked out and in the end your sanity is intact.

*hugs*

blas
12-30-2010, 05:39 PM
Thinking of you, Kara.

Aethian
12-30-2010, 05:40 PM
I've known four transgendered people before and now I know five. Does that make you any different then how I saw you before? Not a chance in Hell.

As for your wife wanting you to stop consuming because you were talking about "the girl things" how the hell did she find out? My mom goes to consuming and I don't know what she talks about and vice versa with her knowing about mine. Therapy with one on one is supposed to stay that way. It's a place for you to talk and put jumbled pieces of thought together in a whole picture. It is not for someone else, even a spouse to come in and say... I don't like this piece throw it out.

So I'm glad your back with your therapist and I really hope you have your wife go to one. To be so accepting and then suddenly not accepting sounds like she was brainwashed somewhere into thinking your wrong. Seen it before with two of the other trans I know.

*snugs and hugs* sounds like you have a awesome lawyer. Ever need to talk voice to voice this bunny is around.

ArcticChicken
12-30-2010, 05:45 PM
I apologize in advance if you hate me by the time this is over.

When I saw this line I thought "There is no way anything she's going to say can make me hate her", and, guess what? I was right.

I doesn't matter that your gender on the outside and gender on the inside don't match up. It doesn't change who you are, just how people perceive you, and I don't know anyone who's whole self is visible, anyway.

I think you're an awesome person. I think you're fun, and funny, and I always look forward to reading your posts.

I think it sucks that you're in pain right now, and I wish I could do something to fix it. I'm glad you're back at counseling, it's helped me a lot. When I started this summer my counselor wanted me to get medical insurance, in part because I need insurance, and in part because she wanted me to see someone who could prescribe me anti-depressants. My coverage goes into effect on the first, but she no longer thinks I need to be on medication.

My point is counseling really does help, here's a real world example. Also, the family counselor is an idiot. And you should talk to your counselor about the whole girl thing, your wife can go suck a lemon.

I suppose that the cops being a little too quick on the abuse uptake is better than them being too slow, but not by much. Anyone with half a brain could see that you're not abusing your kids. What complete douche bags.

TLDR - You're pretty cool, and what you're going through really sucks, I wish I could make it better. *hugs*

shadowpanda
12-30-2010, 06:01 PM
That's one hell of a situation that the authorities seem to have bungled. I hope things get sorted quickly for you and you can get back to your life.

If it's any comfort, when you recently posted after a bit of a break away, do you remember all the responses from people saying 'yay Kara's back'? you're treasured on here, and we are always here to listen :)

KiaKat
12-30-2010, 06:03 PM
Kara, your stories are one of the reasons I originally joined CS (rather than just lurking). You have a wonderful way with words and expression, and an absolutely florid vocabulary that you put to good use.

In regards to being TS - you're one of half a dozen people I know who are TS/IS, either openly or mostly-stealth, and I have a ton of resources. If you want me to connect you to a few, I will happily do so. Toss me a PM if you want any.

Amethyst Hunter
12-30-2010, 07:50 PM
Will keep you in my thoughts, Kara. *offers :hug: *

Seshat
12-30-2010, 08:09 PM
I can get friends to pass on resource URLs, too.

I agree that it sounds like your son is high functioning autism spectrum, OR something that is somehow similar.

DeltaSierra
12-30-2010, 08:25 PM
Kara, how could anybody hate you for being who you are? This isn't just a "fly-by-night" thing you up and decided, after all you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with others. Add my *HUGS*, support, and a listening ear to your list, and I hope that everything works out and sunnier days are not far off.

Plaidman
12-30-2010, 08:48 PM
Qauddriple on the resources. I know a dozen or so, bulk that are transexual however. (There is a difference, even if it doesn't seem like it).

telecom_goddess
12-30-2010, 09:24 PM
First off I know how hard it can be to admit that you are TS ....even in this so called progressive day and age. I admire people who can admit it and it's even better if you can find the means to correct your body if that's what you want to do.

As for the family situation I hope it works out.....how is your wife going to be once it's over? And who in the hell reported this in the first place?

JustaCashier
12-30-2010, 11:04 PM
Hate?

When there are 20 replies of love, understanding and support, in just over twelve hours?

Hate?

Naw, I don't think so.

I can't really add anything to what has already been said, Kara, but hang in there, and know that there are a lot of people here that care.

Mike

Eisa
12-30-2010, 11:18 PM
I don't hate you. Not at all. :hug:

Also, wow, really, police and CPS? Jump on her cuz she tried to stop her kid from hurting himself...completely ignore my parents when they would hit me so hard instant bruises form. Yeah, thanks, guys. :rolleyes: Granted, that was in Montana, but...nice. :rolleyes:

I hope it all gets cleared up. I think you are now the third transperson I for sure know. You ARE a girl.

trailerparkmedic
12-30-2010, 11:44 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about the crap the cops are putting you through.

As for being transgender? You're the first person I've met that is open about it and it doesn't change a thing. I'm so sad that the religion you were raised in didn't accept it, and I'm happy for you that you've made peace with who you are.

fireheart
12-31-2010, 12:00 AM
Kara, I don't know any TS people before you, but I'll say this: as long as you can continue to throw verbal swords towards your prisoners, it really doesn't make a difference to me whether you're male, female, both etc.

In the meantime though, *sends you hugs and Anzac cookies* :D

BookstoreEscapee
12-31-2010, 01:26 AM
I said in chat that it was 'unlikely' that anyone was going to hate you, and I guess I was right. ;)

Hope everything gets sorted out soon.

Mishi
12-31-2010, 01:58 AM
I hope everything works out well and that you get your family back. It's very unfair that this has happened, but it's great that you're getting positive counselling. Hopefully the judge will take that into consideration. :hug: So you are a girl after all! As everyone else said, it's the inside that counts, not the outward appearance.

42_42_42
12-31-2010, 02:04 AM
Kara,

I am flabbergasted at what the stupid authorities are putting you and your family through. Have they ever said who reported abuse in the first place? The whole thing just doesn't make any sense.

I used to have fits when I was a kid, heck even as an adult I've thrown a few temper tantrums, with me it was always when I was just too stressed out, I'd reach my limit and when I was pushed over it, I'd flip out. When I was 22 I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder...basically all those temper tantrums were really anxiety attacks, yes, kids can have anxiety attacks. That could be what's up w/ your son. If it is, he has my totally sympathy and understanding, it's hard enough to deal w/ stress as an adult, kids don't really have the tools do that yet.

I hope you see by my response and those of others here how much we love you just as you are. We're here for you!

Hugs,
42_42_42

PS - I never had any inkling that you were anything other than a girl and, honestly, I still think of you as a girl and will continue to do so.

Cat
12-31-2010, 02:07 AM
Hang in there Kara...I hope everything works out for the best.

Mr. Anubite
12-31-2010, 02:38 AM
That's the thing. I was really confused and caught off guard when the detective talked to me. I said he was having one of his fits, but didn't go into detail about him hitting himself. I don't know why, it just didn't occur to me to say anything about it. I don't think it would have made a difference though. So right now, none of my accusers know about this, mainly because they never bothered to clarify.


Ah. That may be something that you would want to clarify. Any rational person would understand that you can't allow your son to injure himself, even if that means having to physically restrain/stop him.

MoonCat
12-31-2010, 05:08 AM
My goodness, how could we ever hate someone with the courage to trust us with so much truth? Yes, I see you as strong and brave. You're dealing with a lot of heavy stuff right now. I wish you peace of mind, and hope everything works out well for your family.

Be yourself, Kara. You're pretty darn cool!

Sonoma
12-31-2010, 05:27 AM
:hug:

The others have said it so much better than I can. I just wanted to chime in one more voice of support. You have a lot of friends on this forum. I admire your ability to come out about something so personal. If it helps, I too have always pictured you as a girl, and nothing is going to change that.

Hang in there, know that you have a lot of support, and have faith that this will all be cleared up soon.

XCashier
12-31-2010, 06:57 AM
:hug: You have really been through the wringer. I hope and pray that everything works out for you and your family.

Antisocial_Worker
12-31-2010, 03:13 PM
I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions, but like everyone else here, I can offer my support.

Der Cute
12-31-2010, 04:09 PM
Kara-
I always did think you were a woman. I see you that way, whether you have man or woman parts ;).

Now - as for the child shit...I'd be steaming mad. Has this affected your job? Do you think your CO might be able to help you? (I'm not advocating spilling beans, but trying to to think of people who would know the right paths to getting help).

My story about DSHS. I had post partum depression, bad enough to want to check into the hospital psych ward. I wasn't "sick" enough to kill myself or others, so I was turned away. BUT I had a list of thoughts/fears written down, to identify what was so different about me at the time vs me normal.
That list had one or 2 things in it, that someone thought it was ok to call CPS. These thoughts had a disclaimer saying "I know this is wrong, thats why I'm not doing it" (if you DID do those, you'd be psychosis PPD). But someone still called them on us.

My BF was mad at me for writing these things down. I told him to stfu, This shit needs to be identified. We went through about 3 mos of stress and weird logistics, but we got a letter stating "this has not been confirmed and is dismissed".

If you can prove (prove is the point here) that you are not harming your children, that's the key. I don't think you do harm anyone. BUT someone needs to prove that to the state to allow custody to you, and visitation in between.
Has your wife taken the kids to a counselor to get answers out of them? A pediatric psych doc to discern their points of view vs you adults?

I'm sorry Kara. Your plate is full of shit at the moment. We are here to help you with that load. I don't know much about TG or TS or such - just that it's got to be difficult. I'll think good thoughts for you and family tonight, cuz for a while, I wasn't allowed to be alone w/ my little man.

Hugs, chocolate and kitty bonks.

Cutenoob

Kara
12-31-2010, 05:36 PM
You guys are the bestest. Seriously, you have no idea how much comfort it brings me to have so much support.

Has this affected your job? Do you think your CO might be able to help you?

When I missed two days of work being in jail, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I couldn't call and talk to them because it's an automated system and I was only allowed to make collect calls. When I got out, it was night, so I had my mother take me on up to the prison so I could talk to the Captain. He said my wife had called and let them know that something had happened and I was going to be out for awhile, but didn't know how long. So they put me down for vacation. I told him I'd be there the next day if I still had a job, and he said, "Of course you do!"

Since it was the weekend, I went in early on Monday so I could talk to the Warden. He said they'll help me any way they can, the only thing that would affect my job would be a bad outcome and prison time (obviously). But he was very understanding and supportive.

The only way it has affected my job is maxing my stress level, which makes me a mega-bitch to the inmates, but I don't feel too bad about that. That, and the couple of times I've had to call in because I was hit by a sudden panic-attack and couldn't possibly make the 50 mile drive, and I definitely don't want to risk breaking down at work.

My story about DSHS. I had post partum depression, bad enough to want to check into the hospital psych ward. I wasn't "sick" enough to kill myself or others, so I was turned away. BUT I had a list of thoughts/fears written down, to identify what was so different about me at the time vs me normal.
That list had one or 2 things in it, that someone thought it was ok to call CPS. These thoughts had a disclaimer saying "I know this is wrong, thats why I'm not doing it" (if you DID do those, you'd be psychosis PPD). But someone still called them on us.

Ah yes. Let me tell you the story of the Little Blonde Bitch. Our youngest was a very difficult pregnancy. My wife was in horrible pain from pretty much the start of the second trimester. She wasn't officially placed on bed rest, but she was to lie down as much as possible. They tested for lots of things, and couldn't find anything wrong. So they settled on saying her symptoms were idiosyncratic. Basically, they acknowledged that she was in pain, but could find no medical reason as to why (not long after delivery, they found she had a nasty cyst on one of her ovaries).

Due to her being in so much pain, her gyno said she could be induced at 38 weeks. So we get in scheduled, go in, and it doesn't take. Now, she clearly doesn't want to do anything to hurt the baby, but the Resident at the hospital, a tiny little stuck-up blonde girl who looks like a first year med-student, says is starting to suggest that she shouldn't have been induced anyway and they tried and that's too bad for us. So my wife, with several months' worth of tears and frustration over this difficult pregnancy says, "I just want this to end. I want it to be over."

So the Little Blonde Bitch runs and tells someone that my wife is threatening to kill herself and/or the baby. Then we had to convince some hospital psychiatrist that she meant she wanted the ORDEAL to be over, not life itself, and that the idea that she would EVER wish death on her unborn child was completely asinine. Little Blonde Bitch just stood there all smug the with her arms crossed behind the counselor. Every time we assured them that they misunderstood, she would say, "Well SHE said she wanted to end it and be rid of the baby, and she's not in a good frame of mind, etc." The counselor was satisfied, which only made Little Blonde Bitch storm out of the room saying something about calling CPS. To the best of our knowledge, she never did.

The story ends with us being discharged and then her going into labor the next morning (black Friday, btw). So we went back in and demanded that Little Blonde Bitch not be allowed to come anywhere near us, and he was born around 6:30 that evening.

Jarissa
12-31-2010, 06:43 PM
O'course you're a woman, Kara! I admit that I have trouble picking up "author voice" from text, but my husband's more typical, and from the first time I read part of your post aloud, he was certain the storyteller must be a woman working at a prison.

Which he also feels certain must require brass ovaries, by the by.

Little Blonde Bitch -- there's something about the newly educated that makes them susceptible to power trips, isn't there? I had a guy at Barnes and Noble tell me that I might be about to die because he'd heard me mention waking up that morning unable to see due to migraine, and how relieved I was that it'd slacked off after only a few hours this time. He knew I was in danger of brain collapse, see, 'cause he was a medical student! Only one more ethics class before he could apply to an intern program! :headscratch:

I hope that everything eventually turns out better than it was before this mess started, Kara. You're a good person, you love your kids, and you make the world a better place. And learning to put your temper to better use might help your son learn how to put HIS temper to better use. I've always found "like mother, like son" to be more likely than similar personalities across same-gender lines anyway; I'm more like my dad, for example, and my husband is more like his mom.

Squeaksmyalias
12-31-2010, 06:59 PM
I'm not sure what to say since so many people already said what I'm thinking. I really hope everything works out for you, remember we are here for you. :hug:

Kaylyn
12-31-2010, 09:07 PM
I, too, always thought of you as a woman.

The most badass woman I've ever met on the internet.

:)

RayvenQ
01-01-2011, 06:10 PM
As for being transgender? You're the first person I've met that is open about it and it doesn't change a thing. I'm so sad that the religion you were raised in didn't accept it, and I'm happy for you that you've made peace with who you are.

Same goes here, as far as I'm concerned, Kara is Kara (and one of us) and nothing else matters., gender doesn't come into it.

teh_blumchenkinder
01-01-2011, 07:42 PM
Actually, we don't know the whole you.
What about the happy stuff? What hobbies do you have? How did you meet your wife? What do you love doing with your kids? What foods do you enjoy?
... et cetera. Point is, I've been working on not being ms. negative nancy, and seeing the world in a more balanced life. Yeah, your life sounds pretty shitty atm. But, you know what? I'm someone who was on the other end of mistaken 'child abuse'-- an awkwardly placed, very rare injury does that. And since I was all of 3, I couldn't do anything about telling people. (EDIT: and no, I was never taken away from my adoring family. :D ) Just know that there's hope for sanity. I second the "tell them about your son's anger/self-harm fits." This is crucial information.
Teh's TMI/:brainbleach: Corner: ... I am a visual person. I pictured you as a wide shouldered, wide hipped lady with front and back to match, thick blond hair in a ponytail, and a shit-eating grin on her face. Now that image has a stereotypical guy part (penis, not that I imagine you or anyone naked anyway) and now I can't get that image out of my head. :cry:
(please note: this is my only problem with your ... uh... announcement? coming out? :shrug: telling us you are more a woman than a man.)

BookstoreEscapee
01-01-2011, 08:14 PM
What foods do you enjoy?

Chicken soup and saltines, at the moment ;)

Hope you are feeling better :)

(please note: this is my only problem with your ... uh... announcement? coming out? :shrug: telling us you are more a woman than a man.)

See, I always just thought Kara was a woman, in a lesbian "marriage," said word used in the non-legal "we'd be married if we could" sense. But somehow this further information doesn't change anything about that, really, except the usage of the word "married," I guess. :shrug:

Kara
01-02-2011, 02:26 AM
The most badass woman I've ever met on the internet.


Aw. Again, you guys rock.

I pictured you as a wide shouldered, wide hipped lady with front and back to match, thick blond hair in a ponytail, and a shit-eating grin on her face.

Um........

Thanks?

Chicken soup and saltines, at the moment ;)


This is true. I'm not having a good start to the New Year, sadly. Sudden onset of sickness = suckage.

Chazzie
01-03-2011, 02:12 AM
You are awesome, Kara. Always will be. You're still a brave wonderful lady with an awesome sense of humor. What's to hate?

That said, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Keep positive and things will work out in the end. CPS is a nasty organization to fight- trust me, I was the kid fighting them. They don't listen to anybody but paperwork. But you can get through this.

morgana
01-03-2011, 02:27 PM
Kara, I don't have anything much to add, everybody's already said it. Just this: Thanks for trusting us.

I'll keep a candle lit.

Morgana

Barefootgirl
01-03-2011, 03:37 PM
Oh boy, Kara, what a saga, and what a crappy place for you to be right now. I don't have anything to add beyond what the others have said. I don't hate you in the least, you're one of my longest-standing friends on this board and I don't think I COULD hate you. You're a lovely person.

Stay strong.

Treasure
01-03-2011, 04:37 PM
Kara - Adding my wishes for a speedy and positive outcome to this mess.

Others - many of you have asked "who reported it?" well, I know here in TX its supposed to be kept anonymous - it could've been a teacher (not one of the kids regular teachers, even could have been a sub) who asked "little Johnny" how was your morning to which the answer was - "Daddy(mama Kara) kicked me".... It could've been a parent in the car behind them who saw Kara put her arm out to stop the daughter from antagonizing her brothers - the driver can't guess force, doesn't know the whole situation....

The only way for Kara to find out is a demand to confront her accuser - (4th amendment) but the Police and CPS/DFS (child protective services/department of family services) can claim they are the accuser - even though they are operating on behalf of the person who reported it.....

Kara, wishing you the best of luck. please keep us updated.

RootedPhoenix
01-03-2011, 04:47 PM
I don't have anything but hugs for you. I can't claim to understand everything, but I feel for you. :(

*hugs and cookies*

Mikkel
01-03-2011, 08:40 PM
I am one of those who has always thought you were a (very tough) girl. I even retold some of your stories to my daughter, when she was thinking of applying for a job in a prison (to encourage her, that is :lol:).
I really hope your troubles will be over soon.
Hate you? For being born in the wrong body? That's not your fault at all. I admire you for having the courage to tell us about it.

BookstoreEscapee
01-04-2011, 12:54 AM
Juuuust gonna leave these here...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Ben_Who
01-04-2011, 01:47 AM
Kara:

Can I just take a moment to thank you for being the bravest person I've ever met? All right, then.

Love, Who?

Taboo
01-04-2011, 03:23 AM
(big hugs)

Everything I'd like to say has already been said more eloquently than I could put it. I was just a lurker when you were really active here, so you don't really know me anyway. All I can really say is that I wish you the best of luck as well and a quick resolution to all of this drama so that you can get on with your life. You sound like an incredibly strong woman and I'm sure you're going to come out of this fine, as much as all of it sucks right now.

Also seconding or thirding that you should bring up your kid's behavioral issues. Perhaps also something to look into therapy for, at least to consult someone. It does sound like something that might be benefited by therapy.

Kara
01-04-2011, 04:12 AM
Juuuust gonna leave these here...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thanks. These were MUCH needed this evening.

Went to court this afternoon and got the continuance. Next date is scheduled for Feb 7th. Sigh, at least another month of this.

Came back to my house at 6pm for the first time in almost a month. Nothing could have prepared me for how awful and lonely it is here. Those of you who were in chat at the time know I wasn't taking it well. Not that I'm all sunshine and rainbows now, but I'm in a more stable condition at the moment. The emptiness is unbearable. Not like, just the material things that are missing, but the presence of the family is gone. There are traces of it, here and there, but for the most part it is gone. But I have a very sweet lovable border collie to keep me company (who is also very confused and lonely without the kids - she keeps going to their rooms looking for them), plus 2 bunnies and a chinchilla. So there is at least some small comfort to be found here still.

So now I get to try to move forward. I will, I have to. I'm not letting them tear my family up just because someone decided they have the authority to do so. I just want this over with, so we can be a family again.

Honestly, I don't even want to be in this house right now, not like this. But someone has to take care of it so I will. Not going to be easy sleeping the next couple of days, thankfully I'm on my weekend and don't go back to work until Thursday.

cinema guy
01-04-2011, 02:29 PM
The legal system is incredibly frustrating and slow sometimes.

I too thought you were a woman. I hope things work out for you in a speedy and positive fashion. :hug: :hug:

BookstoreEscapee
01-05-2011, 01:36 AM
Not that I'm all sunshine and rainbows now, but I'm in a more stable condition at the moment.

I'm glad to see that, at least.

Andara Bledin
01-05-2011, 02:55 AM
Knew this would be a heavy thread...

First, gonna leave more :hug: :hug: :hug: here... Always useful.

Next, I'm gonna put in my oar.

Do what you can (or what your wife can) to see about getting your son diagnosed. Whether it's some form of autism or anxiety (you called out for a panic attack, yourself) or something else, the self-abuse is likely adding to this mess and needs to be documented to protect everybody involved.

Otherwise, do your best to keep on keeping on. We're all rooting for you.

Also, your text voice is very much feminine. :)

^-.-^

BookstoreEscapee
01-05-2011, 03:00 AM
How often do people on the internet get told "I always though you were a girl" and take it as a compliment? :p

Mikkel
01-05-2011, 04:22 PM
How often do people on the internet get told "I always though you were a girl" and take it as a compliment? :p

:roll: Depends, the female people will probably be happy enough. At least I hope Kara is.

Talon
01-06-2011, 04:48 PM
Wow. Just... wow.

I never doubted Kara was female either. Other than that, I have no words except to hope you get through this with both your sanity and your family (not necessarily in that order) intact.

There's also this. I know it doesn't help now after the fact, but this might help for future dealing with the cops. It's a lecture from a law professor who advises that you NEVER talk to the cops, even if you're innocent.

The professor is also hilarious. Check it out for both laughs and good advice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8z7NC5sgik