Do you ever feel like

[April]

you've lived your life all wrong? That you made a choice, going into it with your eyes wide open, yet thinking that you can change everything? Even though, years later, you know good things have come from that choice, some very good things, you still wonder how your life would have turned out if you had made a different decision?

I'm sorry. Its been a very bad night

[Broomjockey]

I try not to regret my choices. I'm only 23, but there's still a few. I take the approach that whatever happened, its for the best, either I learned something from it, or the alternative would have been worse, all that type of thing.
But I think we still all play the "what if" game.

[April]

thanks for responding. I'm just rambling tonight. i know what I should do, it's just a matter of ignoring how much it hurts and actually doing it

[Barefootgirl]

April, FWIW i feel like this about a lot of things. For a long time I just wallowed in it, feeling sorry for myself for making my bad choices, but in the long run, it doesn't help. I just had to pick myself up, find ways of accepting the things that were really unchangeable, and look for means of changing the things that I could make a difference to.

If you make just one change in your life - whether thats changing an attitude, or changing an actual behaviour - its a start.

Hugs, though, because i know exactly how you feel. PM me if you want to talk.

[blas87]

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given:

"Don't what-if, and don't woulda/coulda/shoulda"

It's almost like quitting smoking or breaking a different bad habbit. Every time something goes wrong or something happens to me, I so badly want to think "What if?" or "If I would have done x, I could have had y, so I should have done b". It is SO hard to not think that way. I still catch myself doing it sometimes.

Trust me, every day I ponder why certain things happen to me, and why some people are so happy and I'm so sad. I wonder what a genuinely nice person like me ever did to deserve this loneliness and all this failure.

[Hotelboy]

"You can like the life you're living, or live the life you'd like!" - Chicago

I have family and friends who love me, I'm not hungry, and I've got some crazy ass stories from my past! If I changed my bad decisions in the past, I wouldn't be who I am today.

[April]

Now that I probably won't bawl my eyes out, here's an expansion.

When i was 16 I met my husband, he was 22, and stayed with him ever since, fully knowing that he's an alcoholic. When I was 17 he tried to kill himself and I took care of him, all night, forcing him to go to a hospital and all that. He was drinking at least a case of beer and a pint of vodka a day, some times more.

Through the years, I nagged, bitched, pleaded and got him down to a 40 oz of beer a day. But now he's going through a depression or something, refuses to see anyone and is treating it with beer. A couple weeks ago he had something similar to a drunken nervous breakdown and I am not going into that right now, but it was bad.

I'm tired of living like this. I keep thinking that I KNEW better from the start. I knew what I was dealing wit, why did I put myself in this situation? It's been 10 years of the same old shit. I'm not happy and I'm tired of pretending I am. The kids are too young to realize what is going on, but one day they will and I don'twant to put them through that.

I've made my bed, and now i'm laying in it.

[NightAngel]

Do you love him? Do you want to save your marriage?

I don't know your whole situation but here's what I'd do if I wanted to try and save my marriage.

You are going to have to be stern, loving yes, but firm in your resolve that things HAVE TO CHANGE. Lay down the law- tell him you love him but that his alcoholism and depression are extremely hard on you and you can't deal with it anymore. Tell him you want your children to grow up with a Dad whom they can admire and respect. Not some drunk guy passed out on the couch.

Tell him he IS going to go to AA and that you'll go with him. They'll be great help/support to both of you.

Also, tell him that he IS going to see a doctor for some proper treatment of his depression. Alcohol is not a treatment for depression and he isn't going to use it as one anymore.

As much as I hate ultimatums it's time you gave him one:
It's either the alcohol goes OR his family goes.

Stick to your guns. Be prepared to walk out the door.

Don't whine, bitch or nag. Lay down the law and stick to your guns.

[NightWolf]

Wow...I can't really comment on any of this for you April mainly due to not being able to know how you feel. All I can say is I really hope things turn around and get better for ya soon.

Here's a lil something that will hopefully bring a small smile to your face.
http://netnet.net/~kentk/Pictures/flowers2.gif

[PuckishOne]

April, first of all...you need a soothing hug, and a big fluffy pillow to beat the crap out of. That's for starters. :)

Get your husband to a doctor to check for (a) clinical depression/anxiety disorder and (b) any damage to his body as a result of the drinking, then sit the both of you down for a major-league come-to-Jesus. NightAngel is right: You can't nag this into happening. You can't change him, no matter how much you love him, no matter how much you endure, no matter how much you want to. If you give him the choice, know that you need to stand firm and be prepared to back up your words with actions, for your own sake and, of course, your children's. Reassure him that, if he commits to helping himself, you will be there with him every step of the way.

For yourself, think about contacting a local non-profit center to see if there are support groups for families/spouses of alcoholics. Having a social network to fall back on can help you tremendously (and, of course, your crazy friends here at CS are always willing to listen). Good luck and please keep us posted.

[AFpheonix]

Al-Anon would be a good choice for you to go to with your kids. They can help you with the tools to figure out what to do from here, and give you a support network as well.