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View Full Version : Weekend get away stems some personal growth and introspection


lupo pazzesco
08-13-2011, 03:51 PM
Ok, so I'm all sorts of bubbly squealy happy and wanted to share. I'm currently visiting my boyfriend for the weekend. And yesterday was a realization.

We've been officially together for 6 months. This comes as a shock to me, but not for any bad reasons, just...wow. Before I met him, I'd never been on a date, never done ANYTHING with a guy, was a scared little neurotic virgin and figured I'd be one of those crazy cat ladies when I got old - sitting a porch with a shotgun and 40 cats, shooting at people and screaming at them to stay outta my garbage!

Ahem, anyways...

I've always had issues with seeing myself as attractive or desirable, so when he expressed interest, I was oblivious until it straight out told me he wanted me. Even then, I just sort of blinked and went "uh huh, sure...right. But he did, and he chased. I evaded. A lot, and still he chased until I finally agreed to meet him in person back in December. We had our first date, except I'm the only one who didn't realize it was a date until it told me as it came closer to the end of the night, just before dinner. He casually asked me how I was enjoying my first date ever. My brain stuttered, and then I realized: Ok, this isn't so bad.

I've had a lot of issues with intimacy, I'm not going to lie. I like hugs, I like being close to family and friends, but again the whole self image issues always set me running and panicking away because I felt like I would be rejected. I was ugly and fat.

He makes me feel beautiful. When we're on skype (Long distance relationship right now), even if I'm sweaty and grubby after work and completely filthy and sweat stained and just threw on a tshirt because I needed something to wear to cook in - he makes me feel beautiful. I think I'm fat, he thinks I've got wonderful curves. I think my glasses make my eyes too small and my face is too plump, and he loves my dimples and thinks my eyes are a pretty hazel.

If anyone had asked me last August when I first got introduced to him through this very forum, if I thought I'd be here, where I am today, I'd have laughed and said it was a marvelous joke they were playing, if bit cruel.

Now, though, now I can look in the mirror and see someone pretty sometimes. Not all the times, but sometimes. I can buy a cute outfit and appreciate how it fits, not that it's all caught up in my fat belly or somesuch. I've got a guy who thinks nothing of pouncing me in public, rather than my believing that no one would want to be seen with me.

Oh, I still have issues. I'm not saying they've all been miraculously solved overnight. I'm still anxiety riddled over the dumbest things, but the patience and the willingness to deal with them astounds me. He told me back in November, while I was still evading and trying to say maybe it's better we're just friends "the only way you could turn me off is if you were a lesbian or an axe murderer - and "
axe murderer I can deal with."

I'm happy. I don't know that I've been this happy before. I still have gobs of stress and horrid shit going on in my life, but having this one little kernel of happiness makes the rest of it more bearable.

So, I guess I just wanted to gush. Be a squealy girl, which is an entirely new experience for me, but just one of many so far.

What brought all of this around? Last night he took me to a restaurant that had sentimental meaning to me, so I could see if it was actually as good as I remembered. The waitress was awesome and asked if there was some special occasion we were celebrating. I flippantly said, "oh, only that we've been together six months and a day." And that's when it all hit me, and has been going through my head since. This morning i made him breakfast becuase I wanted to feed him, and today we're going to wander some places here I've been wanting to see, and he doesn't care, as long as we get to spend time together. I feel happy. I feel lucky. Yes, I've still got a part of me scared that it won't last, and a little voice telling me it's an illusion and he'll see the truth one day, but you know what? That voice has gotten quieter.



Oh, and the restaurant was as good as I remembered. :)

dalesys
08-13-2011, 04:04 PM
For you both: Leonard Bernstein & Kiri Te Kanawa (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nGuIvMmp78)

lupo pazzesco
08-13-2011, 04:21 PM
:)

thank you. I love Bernstein. And Dame Kiri Te Kanawa has a phenomenal voice. I have that song in my head now. Is no bad thing.

Kara
08-13-2011, 04:25 PM
Already told you in chat, but that is so awesome, Lupo. You and I have shared a lot of the same growth in our self-perception, for different reasons. I'm so happy to see you so happy, and kind of share in that happiness. I hated my body for years. And now, when people tell my I'm pretty or beautiful, I believe them. I see myself in a mirror, and I know who that person is looking back at me. I will never forget the day a few months ago, when I looked in the mirror and said, "Oh my god. It's me." I like pictures of me now. Love them.

And yeah, it doesn't make the problems and stress go away. But I think it makes them easier to handle. And as for the little voice? You won't even notice when it's gone :)

ArcticChicken
08-13-2011, 05:52 PM
Lupo - My BF has done the same thing for me, isn't it wonderful? Though I think the thing that makes my warm-and-fuzziest inside is that he tells me I've done it for him, too.

Food Lady
08-13-2011, 06:48 PM
I'm all-too-familiar with that sort of insecurity. Growing up in southern California made me feel fat and ugly every day of my life. When I got away from that culture, and also got older, I grew past that. There are things I don't like about me still, but I accept myself overall. It's freedom to learn how to like yourself. And :lol: @ wolfie "an axe murderer I can deal with". Also, this thread is useless without pictures.

42_42_42
08-13-2011, 09:21 PM
Lupo, so happy for both of you!

((((hugs))))

MoonCat
08-13-2011, 09:52 PM
Hold on tight. Don't let go.

lupo pazzesco
08-13-2011, 11:16 PM
And :lol: @ wolfie "an axe murderer I can deal with". Also, this thread is useless without pictures.

Hehehe, he DOES have a way with words, doesn't he??

As for pics? I've currently got 2 photobucket albums up, and am about to load a third, lemme ask if he's ok with my sharing the linkses.

he just said yes, so without further ado:

April in San Antonio (http://s51.photobucket.com/albums/f375/IntempestaNox/April%20San%20Antonio%20Weekend/)

Galveston in May (http://s51.photobucket.com/albums/f375/IntempestaNox/Galveston%20May%207%202011/)


Yes, I'm wearing the same dress, but is my go to summer casual dress, so :p


And now, to upload the pics from today. Not a lot of US, just some scenery. We went to the River Walk and took the boat tour, then wandered around, and then went to the Japanese tea gardens, which are gorgeous. would've spent longer in the gardens, but um...I...kinda didn't listen to my body when it said "get out of the sun NOW", so we had to leave so I can get some a/c and fluids in me before dinner. >.>

dragon_wings
08-14-2011, 03:36 AM
You two are so adorable! My BF also helped me get over some of self images issues. He has told me repeatedly I'm attractive. And I'm finally starting to believe it. :D

Misanthropical
08-14-2011, 05:02 AM
I love your pictures! I love the color purple so I am jealous of your dress! :) You are beautiful and don't let anyone get away with telling you different! I will take the flamethrower to them! :flame:

It took Mr. Mis years and sometimes even now to help me see that I was and am worthy of someone who really loves me and puts me first. I had been engaged before a couple of times before I met Mr. Mis and I thought I could convince myself that the men were right for me, but I couldn't do it and bolted.

The first time I saw Mr. Mis I heard someone behind me whisper in my ear "He is the one you are looking for" I turned around but no one was there. I didn't even know his name yet. I had to chase him down because he told me he didn't know why a beautiful younger woman would want to be with him. He wasn't rich by any means and raising two teenage boys. I still, 20 years later, tease him about being so oblivious. :lol:

I sometimes still get insecure and wonder what he sees in me and why, after his divorce, he didn't propose to any of the women he was with before he met me. I was told by a friend of his that he sworn to never marry again. Mr. Mis said they all the same problem, they weren't me. :o :love:

RetailWorkhorse
08-14-2011, 05:26 AM
April in San Antonio (http://s51.photobucket.com/albums/f375/IntempestaNox/April%20San%20Antonio%20Weekend/)

Lupo's pretty. :D

Galveston in May (http://s51.photobucket.com/albums/f375/IntempestaNox/Galveston%20May%207%202011/)



GALVESTON! BOSS! BOOOOOOOSSS!!!!!! TRANSFER ME, DAMMIT!

Food Lady
08-14-2011, 06:00 AM
Lupo, you did good, 'cause your boyfriend's cuuuuuute! You are an adorable couple. Love that dress on you.

lupo pazzesco
08-16-2011, 01:21 AM
So...as if I needed even MORE proof of how lucky I am...

This weekend was far, far too short. Sunday, I was meant to catch the 1 pm greyhound bus back home. This is usually a 3-3.5 hour trip, at which point I'd have to take a metro bus to my apartment, easily another hour to hour and a half ride, and on Sunday? >.< If I was lucky, I'd make it home before 7 because of Sunday bus schedules.

That WAS the plan.

I had printed my ticket already, so we showed up at the station at 12:45, and asked which gate it was going out of and whether it was on time, only to be told it hadn't left it's originating city yet...which it should've left almost 3 hours prior.

... yeah, we were told to check back in an hour or so. so we went for a walk, spent a little more time together, which was YAY but we got back to the greyhound station a little before 3.

Still no bus, and no ETA.

This is worrisome, if I caught the bus at 3 or 3:30, I'd be back into Houston around 7, and - depending on Sunday buses, I'd maybe get home by 9, IF the buses were still running. Wolfie and I were both getting worried at this point. Both of us had to be at work by 7 am this morning. So neither of us could afford to call out for Monday.

Also, neither of us had money for gas in his car, either. We both called parents and despite HATING it, we asked or gas money.

That's right, folks. Wolfie drove me home. Round trip, we left San Antonio around 4:30, met his dad who lives in Houston for a quick dinner, then he dropped me off. And then he drove back to San Antonio the same night. He got home just before midnight. I stayed up late, waiting to hear he'd gotten home ok, so the both of us were not at 100% at work today.

I feel so lucky, I do. But sad and depressed because of the stress in the situation, I didn't get the goodbye time I wanted, if that makes any sense.

So yes, i got me a good'un y'all. Feel free to lavish him with praise. ;)

BookstoreEscapee
08-16-2011, 01:24 AM
I told him this morning that he's a good guy. :)

lupo pazzesco
08-16-2011, 01:26 AM
He IS, isn't he...?

He, according to my grandmother, wins SERIOUS brownie points. And to top it all off, the bus never arrived by the time we left Houston. Dunno wtf happened to it. Frakkin' greyhound...

Victory Sabre
08-16-2011, 01:30 AM
Lupo. I'm a guy, as you know, and you're totally beautiful, and hot. Wolfie is a very lucky man.

You've got a winner there.

Elspeth
08-16-2011, 01:31 AM
You guys are very cute together. And he is a keeper.