A canonical list of SCs

[Mark Healey]

I just thought it might make some posts shorter if there was a list of archetypal SC's.

Here's a few that come to mind right now.

The Haggler. - This guy tries to get a discount on everything. I've had people try to haggle on a U.$5.00 paperback. Some of these people just ask reflexively before even looking at the price. For some reason they all seem to be from New York or third world countries.

The Parking Scammer. - They want validation just for walking into the store. When told that there has there has to be some kind of transaction they come out with the "I'm a regular customer", and of course it's the first time you've seen them.

The Corporate Devil Woman. - She makes a lot of money doing something completely non productive consequently she thinks she is entitled to all your attention and abject subservience.

The Brood Mare. - Thinks that the fact that she has spawned means she doesn't have to consider anyone other than her kids.

The Lost Boy/Girl - Expects you to find everything for them. Phrases like "They are sorted by authors last name." mean nothing to them.

[no handle for this one]. - A lonely person who insist on hanging in the store and engaging you in conversation about his weird obsession.

Mr. Validate My Purchase. - Wants you to tell them how smart they are for buying what they just bought. Of course you can't tell them that Fung Shui is crap and Oswald acted alone.

I'm sure the rest of you will have additions to this list.

[darko31]

The Stroker -picks your brain for hours on end about some expensive product just to go buy off ebay or newegg.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

The Comparison Shopper-keeps saying things like "Well, STAPLES is cheaper."

[Worker-Intellectual]

The nonexistance denier: Asks if you have any more of a certain product. When the inventory says zero, asks if you can check the back. When there are none in the back, denies that they dont exist in this store and wither asks to speak to a manager or asks the cashier, who then calls you saying she has a customer looking for that product.

[chainedbarista]

[no handle for this one]. - A lonely person who insist on hanging in the store and engaging you in conversation about his weird obsession.

how about 'mr. freaky lonelyheart?'

'mr./ms. i'llhavemyregular' this person is always in a hurry, regardless of the day or time they come in.

spawn swarm: a group of young, unattended and generally ill-mannered children who make a great deal of noise, mess and headaches after purchasing ONE small drink.

mr./ms. tantrum: throws a big baby style hissy fit if you're out of their drink; double the fit if that drink was seasonal. also applies to those who absolutely positively MUST have pastry x; if you are out of pastry x, be prepared for a whinefest that lasts their entire stay.

mr./ms. doyouhaveakeytothebathroom?: always asks if we have a key; the answer is always no-we never have and never will have a key. if the door handle doesn't open the door, get this, it means someone's in there. what a concept.

the freebie whore: the title says it all.

[April]

The second opinioner(my made up word)-The person who doesn't like your answer and walks around the store asking every other employee who either says the same thing, or referrs them to you

The wander and dropper-The person who wanders around a store, picks up something and carries it for awhile, decides they don't want it and leaves it wherever. Bonus points if it's perishable

The TMI-The person who insists on telling you exactly why they are buying preparation H and how they got the problem to begin with.

The WAAAAY TMI-er-The person who tells you why they are buying 16 bottles of KY jelly and 3 packages of rubber gloves and then describes in detail how they are going to use them

The desperate for a date-The greasy guy who comes into stores and attempts to use them as thier personal dating service, using the cashiers as thier captive audience. So desperate that they will hit on pregnant women, teenage girls etc

[Araby]

The Constant Complainer - no matter what you do to please them, they will find something wrong. Even if they have to put their own hair in their food, which leads to my second one:

The Food Scammer - Tend to be believed at first, but if you come every two weeks and are the only customer who finds a hair, it's a little fishy. Even a bad manager will catch on to this. They are regulars for as long as the free food comes.

The How Are You Today? I Am Long Island Iced Tea - Walk up to a table and say a friendly hello, how are you? They respond with their drink or food order.

The Ignorers - After several attempts to get the attention of a group, the waiter finally walks away to tend to other tables. They get snotty when you come back to take their order because they had to wait so long. Bonus points if they flag another waiter down. Double bonus if they ask to speak to a manager.

The I Can't Believe you Ate the Whole Thing - Cleans their plate and when I clear it and ask how it was, say it was terrible. My quizzical look and "You ate it all?!" tends to be met with, "Well, I was hungry!" Mind you, I've been to the table a few minutes after they get the food, and they never complain then, when things could be changed.

[One-Fang]

Madam Forgetful - manifests in several behaviours including but not limited to: always brings in items to return, never has a receipt, despite being told every single week she needs one; brings expired coupons every single week and waits while the checkout operator has to go through every single one to weed them down; asks about product X, then product Y, mmm, and how about product X?

Mean Bastard - literally just gets his jollies making physically small women and new staff cry. Probably has some kind of bad life, and chooses to take this out on complete strangers, but only those who can't defend themselves.

And Man - keeps making statements to which you just want to say "..and?", like "Other store has this cheaper" or "I want completely ridiculous over-the-top service that you don't even offer or I'm going to your competitor" or "I know your manager".

[Jester]

mr./ms. doyouhaveakeytothebathroom?: always asks if we have a key; the answer is always no-we never have and never will have a key. if the door handle doesn't open the door, get this, it means someone's in there. what a concept.

Actually, I DO have the key to the bathroom. One of the WONDERFUL benefits of working in a HOTEL bar. And yes....I get to use my own discretion as to who to give it to and who not to give it to. :D

On this topic, I can't let it go without adding Mr. Not Ready for Prime Time: A guy is constantly making jokes and smartass comments and thinks he is hilarious...but very much isn't. (Much different from the guy who is constantly making jokes and smartass comments and actually IS damn hilarious.)

Also, I must add a non-SC archetype. The type I dearly LOVE to wait on every single time, and I am saying this sincerely, with no sarcasm. The Little Old Ladies Who Are There to Drink Beer and Have Fun. These are NOT your typical seniors, and they are always just wonderful joys to wait on and to be around. Absolute sweethearts, know how to tip, and don't have a mean bone in their body. :worship: :worship: :worship:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The time bomb: the person who makes a big feces mess in the restrooms

The Paris Hilton: the person who calls the store, rattles off a list of things she wants, and instructs us to have it all up and bagged at the service desk so she can come in and pay for it later. Basically she expects us to be her personal shoppers (I just call them Paris Hiltons because Paris seems like the kind of VIP who can have a personal shopper)

The Comparison Shopper, Part Deux: the person who calls the store, asks us our price on a particular item, asks us to put it on hold for her at the service desk, and then never picks it up, probably because she called other stores asking about the same item and bought it at the store that had it for the lowest price.

The Lonely Old Man: the old man who comes into the store 3 or 4 times a day and tries to make conversation with all the employees because that's basically his entire social life.

The Ritalin Advertisement: the kid who races around the store riding the display bikes, destroying aisles and endcaps, and screams at mother begging for a candy bar.

The Stinky Guy: pretty much self-explanatory

Mr/Ms "I'm too important to wait in line": the idiot who goes to the service desk to check out with a cart heaping full of clothes, dog food, packs of bottled water, etc. because he/she doesn't feel like waiting in line at the checkouts

The argument for more homework in the public schools: the kids (generally middle-school aged) who hang out at the store and do nothing but cause trouble.

[Lace Neil Singer]

The Cat Lady: All stores have one of these. This woman will come in covered in cat hair and will talk about nothing but her cats. If said shop is a food shop, she will spend a fortune on food for her cat and a paltry amount on her own food.

Mr Interrupter: He always talks over you, cuts you off and interrupts you. Whatever you're saying, even if you're just asking him if he needs help.

The Blatherer: Always yacking, either on a mobile or to a friend, and ignores you.

Entitlement King/Queen: They are the most important people in the history of the world and deserve to be treated as such! :rolleyes:

[Rapscallion]

The Digger - always going to the back and bottom for the freshest gear.

The Notforme - never shops for themselves, but always talking about how it's for someone else. Always tells you this seven times a minute and uses it as a magic talisman against buying anything.

The Bouncer - "I don't want this one..." *boing* "I don't want that one..." *boing* Usually seen habiting the soft fruit section.

The Socialite - always manages to find someone they know and have intense conversation with them in the busiest thoroughfare in the store. Never listens to what the other person says, but concentrates solely on talking fifteen to the dozen.

The Snatcher - reaches over and tries to pull the receipt out of the till. If it's not torn off, it damages it, for those not having dealt with the older sorts of tills.

The Squatter - Gets some items, gets the till started, then wanders off to do their main shop.

I had many more - will add when I can think of them.

Rapscallion

[Lace Neil Singer]

The Bagsier: Leaves their full trolley next to an empty till, or dumps their full basket on the belt, then wanders off. Will be really angry if they come back to find you serving someone else.

Ms It'sForMyKids: Buys loads of crisps, cakes, chocolate bars and sweets. Will justify her choices by saying, "It's for the kids!" regardless of whether anyone's said anything to her.

Mr Shouty: Always shouts. Not a nasty person, just a very loud and eardrum shattering person.

[AFpheonix]

The Tweaker: Check her file, it's all valium, xanax, etc. She's literally hopping from one foot to the other and hyperventilating when she hands you yet another emergency script for 12 xanax. Asks if she can go down to Starbucks for a coffee while she waits. At close to midnight.

The Procrastinator: Hands me scripts that are standard ones for surgery of some type: a pain killer, an antibiotic, a NSAID, etc. dated for 3 weeks ago, then tells me that they need this "as soon as possible" for they are already late for their appointment.

Mr./Ms. Forgetful: I forgot to call in for my refill, I need it As Soon As Possible (oh, how I hate that phrase). When informed that the current wait is an hour long, which it should have been painfully obvious that we are busy by the fact that there's 10 people vulturing about the waiting area, throws a hissy.

The Medicaid patients that shouldn't be: Get all peeved if there's a small copay on something (usually the case for some narcotics or uber-expensive meds) yells for a bit, whips out a freaking razr cell phone to call someone, then grudgingly pulls out an italian leather wallet out of their gucci purse and tosses a few bucks at you. These ones piss me off more than anything. >:(

The Insurance idjits: Got new insurance and didn't bring the card, and got mad when you ask for the new coverage (I don't have to do any of this, they could just buy the stuff at retail and send the claim in the old fashioned way), or they don't understand what their coverage does and does not cover, or complain that their copay has never been this high (always so gratifying when you look back in their records and get to smugly inform them that either it used to be more expensive or that they've been paying the same price for a year).

[Mark Healey]

I just deal with another one.

The Change Granny. - Why do old ladies always carry insane amounts of change and insist on giving ME exact change when I know that the only way she could have accumulated it all was by paying with notes elsewhere.

[Mixed Bag]

The Bouncer - "I don't want this one..." *boing* "I don't want that one..." *boing* Usually seen habiting the soft fruit section.

Yeah, but you gotta love, in this automated age, being able to go to a store like Cost Plus with hand-blown glasses and scrutinizing them all for the one with your favourite colouring (actually I started doing that because I'd bought one once somewhere with a sharp burr at the bottom on the inside). :spew:


Not an SC, but worthy of mention: Boundlessly Grateful--As I was loading a large grocery order on the belt I instantly told a man who approached with a single item to go ahead. "Are you sure?!" (No, you're right, such courtesy is an affront to fainess. :rolleyes: ) Repeated same experience seconds later with another fellow customer.


Webster--You tell caller yes, we carry referee jerseys; he makes special trip and is outraged to find they don't meet his defenition--hello, this store has *soccer*--and no other sports--in its name, we don't normally hear from those who are in other sports instead and make no mention of that fact.


Propmaster--Customers who complain they aren't equipped to dine unless the shakers are filled to the brim. Maybe if restaurants didn't have to have servers spend time on such cosmetic sidework they'd feel less put out when asked to do something that I think contributes far more to a pleasant dining experience--letting customers occasionally sit in the closed section when open tables are too hot/cold/dim/glaring/wobbly/cramped/noisy/hard.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Another one...

The Tetris Game-the customer who buys a a big-screen TV or other large piece of furniture, then drives up in a small car, or a large-enough van or SUV loaded down with kids, groceries, other purchases, or just random garbage, and expects you to move things around so you can load up their item, or tie down their trunk lid, or tie the large item to the roof.

[HawaiianShirts]

The Comparison Shopper-keeps saying things like "Well, STAPLES is cheaper."
The company I work for calls these the Maniacal Price Shoppers. That's a term from corporate. They've even tried to give us guidelines as to how to best help these people.

Here are mine:

The Idiot Savant - They know nothing about the product they want until you show it to them or explain that it doesn't exist. Then they're suddenly EXPERTS on the subject and CERTAIN that what you've shown them isn't what they want, or what you said doesn't exist really does and you don't know what you're talking about.

The Telepaths - These give you a crumb of information about what they want and expect you to figure out the rest. Example: "I want to upgrade my computer... (expectant silence for five minutes)."

The Fashionably Late - On a good day, these show up about five minutes before closing and expect full service. Usually, however, they show up five minutes AFTER closing at the earliest and still expect full service.

The Desperately Early - They show up half an hour before the store opens and do one of two things. One: they demand you open early and sell them what they want; or, Two: they demand you open early and (assuming management decides to open early) wander aimlessly around the store without making a purchase.

The Deliberately Deaf - They ask questions. Intelligent and usually friendly questions. But when you start to answer, they cut you off with other questions, only to ask the same questions later and complain that they don't understand what's going on.

Phone Shopper, Type A - They call the store, typically at the busiest time of day, and ask twenty minutes worth of questions, expecting the same service they would get if they were really in the store. These often mutate into the Paris Hilton strain of Sucky Customer.

Phone Shopper, Type B - This is the escalated form of The Blatherer. This person does not trust salespeople or is too shy to talk to them. He or she comes in to a store to purchase a product he or she knows little or nothing about, then calls a friend on the cell phone. They will spend hours on the phone with said friend, wandering through the store trying to figure out which product to get. This is especially bothersome when the salesperson can overhear the conversation and knows within minutes EXACTLY which product to recommend.

[Discourtesy Clerk]

Just a couple I've seen a lot of recently...


The Ice Block - the customer that apparently finds it totally acceptable to ignore everything the store employees say to them by acting like the employee isn't even there. Will only speak if they need us to do something for them, and will give very dirty looks if we can't meet their exact wishes (despite their request having been incredibly vague).

The Can't-Wait-Five-Seconds - Begins drumming fingers on the counter impatiently as soon as they get in line. However quickly the checker is moving, or however few items this customer has to ring up, they still act like a five-year-old waiting at the doctor's office. If there is any delay in their checkout at all, they will start muttering things under their breath such as "C'mon, c'mon, let's go," "Hurry it up," or my personal favourite, "I don't have all day." When the transaction's done, they usually signal their departure with a loud and obtrusive sigh, or even "Finally!" and storm off in a rush.

The Shield of Feigned Sweetness - the customer that sends employees off to do menial, ridiculous tasks for them (pick out a bag of fruit for them, run across the store to find a specific kind of cake that they totally could have picked up for themselves, throw away their used kleenex for them, etc.) while hedging their outlandish requests with syrupy-sweet "I hope it's not too much trouble"s, and "Oh, thank you soooooo much, I really appreciate that, now if you could just go and get ___ for me..."

The Obsessive-Compulsive - "Now, I'm gonna need the frozen foods double-bagged in paper with a plastic bag around the outside, and the breads need to be sorted by flavour into plastic bags with two loaves each, and when you load the stuff into the cart, make sure that the produce is on the right and the meat is on the left, and...hey! You can't put those there!!! The eggs go on TOP!!! :eek: "


Yep, my store's a freak magnet. :lol:


- D.C.

[ArenaBoy]

The badge flasher - Cop who shows you his badge when he's off duty and thinks they don't have to pay when they can try and threaten to arrest you.

The I know the owner - Claims to know the owner but really doesn't.

I left it at home - Idiot who leaves money etc at their house.

The I know who your boss is - SC who claims to know your boss in order to get you in trouble for insipid things.

[Phone Jockey]

The Screamer: Begins the conversation screaming & doesn't quit until transferred to a supervisor because frankly, you don't earn enough to endure that kind of attitude.

Mr./Ms. Attitude: Thinks everything should go her/his way or else it's YOUR fault.

The Teacher: Believes s/he can teach you how to do something better even though s/he knows nothing about the product in the first place.

[Jester]

The badge flasher - Cop who shows you his badge when he's off duty and thinks they don't have to pay when they can try and threaten to arrest you.

I have had this happen on more than one occasion:

SC: "I'll have a margarita."
ME: "May I see your ID please sire?
SC: "Are you serious? "Man, I'm a cop!"
ME: "Then you should KNOW I have to do this!"

And yes, I DO say that last line when cops question me when I am doing something that the law requires me to do.

If you look 30 or under, I am required by STATE LAW to ask for your ID. If you don't have it, you aren't getting any alcoholic drinks. And I don't care if you are a cop, with the liquor board, in city government, someone famous, a parent with kids (you don't have to be 21 to have kids, people!), or that your parents who are with you will "vouch" for you. The STATE LAW does not allow me to take those things into consideration, and frankly, your inconvenience/surprise is not a higher priority to me than my job/a fine/a court date.

Any questions? :D

[Lace Neil Singer]

That's exactly right, Jester. As far as I'm concerned, there is NO-ONE I like enough to want to fork over a 5 grand fine for... give me your ID, or no booze. Simple as that.

[Skank]

how about the "Ive just woken up from a coma customer: comes in and asks about a product we havent had in stock for six years.

[Canadian In Maine]

SC: How much can I get cash-back? (When paying by debit card)
ME: I'm sorry, we don't do cash-back, it doesn't work.
SC: But my daughter works here!
ME: That's nice, but we still don't do cash-back.

Puhleese!!! :rolleyes:

[Lace Neil Singer]

SC: How much can I get cash-back? (When paying by debit card)
ME: I'm sorry, we don't do cash-back, it doesn't work.
SC: But my daughter works here!
ME: That's nice, but we still don't do cash-back.

Puhleese!!! :rolleyes:
Over where I work it's more like this:

SC: I'd like cashback, please.
Me: How much?
SC: £100 please.
Me: Sorry, we only go up to £50.
SC: I got it last week!
Me: Sorry, but our tills only allow up to £50.
SC: Fine, £50 then. *sulks*

We have cashpoints outside, that is the really dumb thing about this. How hard is it to walk outside? I shall name this person the "Cashback Moron" and add them to the list. :lol:

[chainedbarista]

SC: But my daughter works here!

maybe it's me, but i fail to see the relationship between a cash back option and the daughter's place of employment.

is she some kind of wizard who waves a magic wand for mommy/daddy, causing the cash back option to appear out of nothingness? :lol:

[Dreamstalker]

I just deal with another one.

The Change Granny. - Why do old ladies always carry insane amounts of change and insist on giving ME exact change when I know that the only way she could have accumulated it all was by paying with notes elsewhere.
My grandmother just fobbed an insane amount of change off on me; her change purse was too heavy :rolleyes: Oh well. At least I can use it and my mom can use the quarters for laundry and the like.

[Canadian In Maine]

maybe it's me, but i fail to see the relationship between a cash back option and the daughter's place of employment.

is she some kind of wizard who waves a magic wand for mommy/daddy, causing the cash back option to appear out of nothingness? :lol:

Maybe he thinks there is!

I still don't know who his daughter is and quite frankly I don't care. She's probably just as whiny.

[chainedbarista]

can in maine, i'm thinking that next, this guy will have some sort of conspiracy theory over why he can't get the cash back.

people...:lol:

[Canadian In Maine]

I should just go back to Canada! :lol:

[Lace Neil Singer]

There are stupid people all over the world, sadly. :lol:

[Mixed Bag]

SC: "I'll have a margarita."
ME: "May I see your ID please sire?
SC: "Are you serious? "Man, I'm a cop!"
...
If you look 30 or under, I am required by STATE LAW to ask for your ID.


I'm no expert but I would think most, if not all, police forces require that officers be 21. I'm not saying this to suggest their status means you shouldn't card them, but if you find they're underage, will you report them for impersonating a police officer? :lol:

[Lace Neil Singer]

I'm no expert but I would think most, if not all, police forces require that officers be 21. I'm not saying this to suggest their status means you shouldn't card them, but if you find they're underage, will you report them for impersonating a police officer? :lol:
Hey, they could be a stripper. :lol:

But don't suggest this to their faces please. :eek:

[Dips]

How did I miss this thread?

Here are some of mine:

The Yammerbot-An extreme version of the Blatherer, but doesn't ever stop to breath. Must be a robot.

The Justified-This SC feels he can justify any unreasonable or nonsensical behavior by uttering the words, "It's the priciple of the matter."

The Needy-This SC, when confronted with that fact that what he wants isn't available or possible will come back with, "But I need it!"

This is actually a spell which will turn the impossible into the possible or make the desired object appear in thin air. The spell only works when the word "need" is spoken with a drawn-out nasal whine. If the inflection on the whine is off, even a little, the spell won't work. That is why The Needy SC will repeat it multiple times.

The Speculator-The Speculator is a time-consuming bore. He can see into many possible future timelines simultaneously and wants to be prepared for all of them. He will start most sentences with "But, what if..." and finish with the whatever vision of a future timeline he is seeing that moment.

The speculator always starts with the most statistically probable timeline. For example, "But what if my battery won't hold a charge?"

It is best to be very vague with the Speculator because answering his questions will only encourage him to have more visions of progressively more unlikely timelines, such as, "But what if I lose my phone and my sister, who was on the account two years ago somehow figured out my password, and makes a call, but the battery dies, then she accidentally drops it in the pool, but it doesn't stay in there long because the dog fishes it out, only he chews on for a while before my grandfather finds it and...."

:)

[Banrion]

The Stroker -picks your brain for hours on end about some expensive product just to go buy off ebay or newegg.

:wave: semi-guilty. When it was time for my b/f and I to buy a laser printer, I did my research and narrowed my options to 3. Unable to differentiate the 3 sheerly by online specs, we went to BB who happened to carry all 3 models, and printed test pages for comparison purposes. Then went home and bought off e-bay for $300.00 less than BB. We did not waste any employee's time though.

[Ducky]

The PhD Holder -

Me: "I'm sorry, but I cannot waive your late charge, since we've already waived fifteen others in the past couple of years."
SC: "Sir, I'm a doctor, I have a PhD from <insert name of Ivy League School here>, and I have pristine credit, and cannot have this on there. You will remove it."
Me (inside): PhD my ass. You would then know to get your payment in time.

I usually tell them again that I cannot do it and will gladly transfer them to a supervisor to take it up with them.

So you have a PhD, big freakin deal!


My Personal Favorite:

The Spouse From Hell:

Example 1

Me: Can I verify your name, address, and phone number?
SC: *gives name on account, but no theirs.* <female voice> My name is Greg XXXX, and I live at...
Me: I'm sorry, what was your name?
SC: <female voice, again> Greg.
Me: Ok, <i>Greg</i>, and how can I help you?
SC: Well, actually, I'm his wife, and...
Me: :headdesk:

Why didn't you say that the first few times I asked for your info!


Example 2

Me: Can I verify your name, address, and phone number?
SC: *verifies their info*
Me: I'm sorry, I don't see your name on the account, is Mr. XXXX available?
SC: He's my husband.
Me: Can I speak with him?
SC: Why can't you speak with me? I'm his wife, and I pay all of his bills!
Me: *recites Federal Privacy Act to SC*
SC: I'm the one who pays his bills, I'm his wife.


I don't care if you're the freaking President of the United States calling in, if it's not your account, I can't legally speak with you on it! Duh!

[dragonflygrrl]

I have some:

Quick Question Guy: This is the guy that walks up to an obviously busy sales rep who is currently helping someone else, says, "I just have a quick question," and proceeds to ramble for thirty minutes about nothing in particular while the customer whose turn it actually is does a slow burn. I never even answer the quickest of questions anymore. If it isn't your turn, you will wait for it to be your turn, then I will answer any question you want.

Knows How Sales Work Guy: This is the guy that acts like he has an innate understanding of sales, and every time you try to suggest an accessory or plan add-on that would benefit him says, "Hey there, quit trying to sell me!" and smiles like he knows your secret. My secret is that I hate you. I'm bad at keeping secrets. Buy, don't buy, get out of my face with that smug grin. :rolleyes:

Blinded by the Sales Rack Guy: This guy comes in needing a case for his phone, and tries vainly to force his new, current-model phone into a case that is clearanced at $2 because we don't make that phone anymore. Heaven forbid you buy the one that fits for $10!

I Don't Want to Spend a Lot Guy: This is the guy that obviously wants a nice, high end phone, but in an effort to save money decides to go with a free phone that he will come to despise. I know it, he knows it, everybody knows it, but nonetheless he is feeling virtuous today and will have the free phone. He will then attempt to return it after the return period is over.

Not Smart Enough for a PDA Guy: This guy is too stupid to understand a BlackBerry, has no earthly use for a BlackBerry, and will never, ever, be able to figure out how to pair a Bluetooth headset to his BlackBerry. Nonetheless, he is bound and determined to own one. He will be back at least fifteen times because his BlackBerry "doesn't work," and finally will attempt to return it at least three weeks after the return period ends, even though he has been informed on his fifteen previous visits that the return period ends in x days. He will then swear in an angry (and dumb) rage to never set foot in our store again, but don't believe him. He'll be back, and this time he'll want the new smart phone.:headdesk:

Disclaimer: The word guy is used as a catch-all term for person, and is not meant to indicate that all my sucky customers are in fact male. At least half of them are women, and they suck too. :)

[Dips]

I almost forgot:

Sentence Fragment Barker-The SC cannot use a full sentence in any of his communications. In stores he will bark out a word or two like "Milk!" or "Customer service desk!" or "Cash Back!"

Sentence Fragment Barkers are also fond of composing cryptic emails with more punctuation marks than words:

"ACTIVATION Code??????? NOW!!!!!!!!"

I like composing very VERY long-winded replies to the Sentence Fragment Barker's emails. If he's lucky the answer he wants will be in there, but he's going to have to read the whole thing to find it. :devil:

[Mark Healey]

I can't believe I didn't put this on my first list. Someone mentioned this type in another theread and i feel like a complete bonehead for not mentioning him.

Lawyers.

Is there any other vocational degree that makes people think that they are experts on everything.

[Jester]

I'm no expert but I would think most, if not all, police forces require that officers be 21. I'm not saying this to suggest their status means you shouldn't card them, but if you find they're underage, will you report them for impersonating a police officer? :lol:

No, because I don't happen to know or be an expert on police department hiring practices. But flashing a badge at me or just stating you are a cop does not mean you ARE a cop OR that you are of legal drinking age.



And an addendum to this, which happened just the other day.....two older ladies (i.e., I don't need to card them) and a youngish guy come in, sit down, order drinks. I ask the dude for his ID, he gives it to me. It was an Arizona ID, one I had not seen before, and quite sincerely I said, "Wow...new Zona ID. Haven't seen this one before. Looks nice!" And it did. And when I happened to turn it over, I saw why I had not seen it before. Printed on the back were these fine words: "Not a government issued identification." Translation: Anyone could have made this, but it ain't legal. The following conversation ensued:

ME: "I'm sorry sir, I can't accept this."
SC: "Why not?"
ME: "It's not a government issued ID."
SC: "What do you mean?" He knows perfectly well what I mean.
ME: "Right here on the back it says that it is not a government issued ID. I can only accept state issued ID's."
SC: "It's the only one I have with me."
ME: "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you alcohol if that is all you have."
SC: [annoyed] "You mean I can be in the Army, fight in Iraq, and still not be able to get a beer?"
ME: "I'm sorry sir. I respect what y'all do, but I operated under very strict liquor laws, and if you have no other ID, I cannot serve you alcohol. I respect you, but I am not going to jail for you."

And so it went. Actually had to reprimand the dude later for drinking from his aunt's beer. If you don't have ID, you CAN'T be doing that.

He told me some story about he lost all his stuff, including his U.S. Armed Forced ID card (which I CAN accept for alcohol purchases) just the last week in Germany.

Interesting. The ONLY ID not taken was this non-government issued ID. His driver's license is gone. His USAFID is gone. But this ID, that generally people only buy if they are, oh, I don't know, UNDERAGE, this was not with the rest of his stuff. Riiiiiiight.

Where are those damn yaks of mine?

[I_Hate_SCs]

My list of types of SCs, some from previous pre-hack incarnations of this board:

1. The Backroom Shopper: Will go down every (almost) fully replenished aisle and want the one item that is sold out. They ask if its in the back, and it isn't. A lot of the times they simply coincidentally need that one item that we're out of, but the worst of these type of SCs purposefully go down every aisle and bug the nearest employee for an item when they find an empty space. It doesn't matter what the item is...it could be an anal depository or the tackiest home decor item that would never sell even at a 99% clearance markdown, you know this type of SC will ask for some out of the back.

2. The 'This must be a very high end dept store' expectant customer: They grab you in the middle of a department, at least 100 feet away from the registers, hand you their purchases, and ask to be rung up, and that they will take a bag for their items, expecting you to pull a register out of your ***. Or, they pull out their shopping list, rattle off a few things they need, then pause and give you an expectant look when you don't run off to get the items for you. They also might snag you in the clothing department expecting you to get their measurements and get clothing specially tailored to them, or attempt to ask you to fit them for a bra (bonus points if you are a male like I am) This is Target, not Macy's or a similar store where they might do some of those things!

3. The 'You must know everything, you work here' customer: These are the type who pull you out of your clothing department and expect you to have expert knowledge on gas grills, auto care products, or the inner workings of microwaves. They seem to be appaled that, as an employee of a big box retail store, you aren't thoroughly trained on EVERY product you sell, regardless of the department, and think it is depressing that you can only read off the product's boxes when they ask how it works, etc.

4. The 'convenience english' customers: They ask for help in perfect english, obviously understand you when you greet them, etc. But when you tell them the item is out of stock, must be purchased at another store, is more expensive than they want (anything not in their favor), they act like they cannot understand you. Of course after they walk away, they start talking perfect english with whomever they were with.

5. The Call Button customers: They press the call buttons for fun, and when you approach them in the 20-30 second timeframe that you're measured on when the button is pressed, they act all uppity that you got there so quick. They then complain that they didn't want any help, and simply wanted to see if the buttons worked. Uh yes, the buttons indeed DO work ... although if we had our way they'd be non-functioning and just there for looks.

[Ringtail Z28]

Toy Collectors. These types usually collect Hot Wheels or Star Wars stuff. They come in just as the store opens and will down every toy on display looking for that one they don't have in their collection. After they're done doing that they'll annoy employees into bringing cases out of the stock room for them to pick through. They frequently smell bad too.

[chainedbarista]

SC: [annoyed] "You mean I can be in the Army, fight in Iraq, and still not be able to get a beer?"

yep, they accept them at 18 (17 with parents signature), so yes, to the above.

another case of 'poor pitiful me in action.' when all else fails, try to use a scenario that should induce sympathy and beer handouts. :lol:

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

The Stand-Up Comedian: The customer who busts out with a product/sale/store/industry-related wisecrack that you hear at least once an hour. They are usually mildly offended when you don't laugh hysterically. Example: "Would you like to pay those late fees today?" "Well, I wouldn't like to!" They think they are very witty and original. It is vital that you leave this delusion intact, lest the firm, icy grip of reality crush their fragile spirit.

The Scanner Police: A subcategory of "The Stand-Up Comedian," the Scanner Police like to jokingly suggest that an item that you are unable to scan (or an item that scans improperly) must be free of charge. How very droll.

The Conspiracy Theorist: This super-aware customer knows exactly what you're about. He knows that you are going to take down his credit card number to buy something off of eBay, and he is ready. Would he like to donate a dollar to end hunger, cure cancer, grant wishes for terminally ill children, or facilitate Katrina relief efforts? Of course not, he's no fool. He is fully cognizant of the fact that his "donation" will end up in your pocket at the end of the night. He also knows that you will use it to buy vodka. Try all you like, you can't fool him. He is onto your little game.

The Bullhorn: Stands in the corner of the store farthest from your till and shouts a question to you. This person will be very annoyed and put out at your "lack of customer service" if you don't hear her. He or she will also be quite irritated if you do not materialize in front of her in under three seconds. Physically walking to the customer is frowned upon...it is necessary to transport yourself there, like in Star Trek. Right now. This instant. This defintion can also be applied to customers in big boxes and department stores by replacing the word "store" with "department."

[Imogene]

The PhD Holder -

Me: "I'm sorry, but I cannot waive your late charge, since we've already waived fifteen others in the past couple of years."
SC: "Sir, I'm a doctor, I have a PhD from <insert name of Ivy League School here>, and I have pristine credit, and cannot have this on there. You will remove it."
Me (inside): PhD my ass. You would then know to get your payment in time.

I usually tell them again that I cannot do it and will gladly transfer them to a supervisor to take it up with them.

So you have a PhD, big freakin deal!

*to quote Shania Twain*
"Okay, so you're a rocket scientist. That don't impress me much.
So ya, got the brains, but have ya, got the touch?"

[tshawne]

The Stand-Up Comedian: The customer who busts out with a product/sale/store/industry-related wisecrack that you hear at least once an hour. They are usually mildly offended when you don't laugh hysterically. Example: "Would you like to pay those late fees today?" "Well, I wouldn't like to!" They think they are very witty and original. It is vital that you leave this delusion intact, lest the firm, icy grip of reality crush their fragile spirit.

The Scanner Police: A subcategory of "The Stand-Up Comedian," the Scanner Police like to jokingly suggest that an item that you are unable to scan (or an item that scans improperly) must be free of charge. How very droll."


If I have to hear " It won't scan, it must be free, ha, ha, ha" or when cleaning my till "You missed a spot, ha, ha, ha" one more time, I swear I will throw said item at the customers head!

[Dino]

The Tragic Result of a Poorly Aimed H**djob

That customer who is so phenomenally dense, you have to wonder about the circumstances of their conception.

They don't understand that when you are busy as hell, you can't drop everything to to cater to them. Sorry, dear heart, this is a retail store, and I work at the service desk. That doesn't mean I'm going to blow off a line of customers waiting to pick up special orders just so I can price check your 20 page list of items. When I page someone from the department(s) your list comes from to help you, don't pout, bitch, or whine. How's about taking your lazy ass to the products and reading the nifty little signs that clearly state the prices, OK? I'm busy. With people who have already paid for their products! Bless yer stupid little heart.

The Dolt

No, I can't do a refund for a custom-made special order item that you not only signed for, but our paperwork (and yours) shows clearly that the "wrong" item you got was what you bought, and again, signed for. You're stupid. Deal with it.

The Renter

Bummer, I can't give you a refund for the product you bought, used once, and return for a refund. There is nothing wrong with the product. It works as advertised, groovy isn't it? I will continue to refuse to refund you unless I'm overridden by management. And for that to happen, you must be really convincing. We have a tool rental department for a reason, scumbag, and it isn't to rip you off.

[MystyGlyttyr]

I'm no expert but I would think most, if not all, police forces require that officers be 21. I'm not saying this to suggest their status means you shouldn't card them, but if you find they're underage, will you report them for impersonating a police officer? :lol:

I do know of one officer around here who joined the force when he was 19. They did make this big thing about him being the youngest police officer ever...and I remember he had to have a partner until he was 21 because he wasn't old enough to buy ammo for his own gun :lol: But he did have a badge and everything.

[repsac]

this is an actual set of terms used by one of the stores I worked in. Be warned, some of these could be considered offensive.


SH- SHoplifter

FF- Frequent Flyer: Shoplifter caught several times in the store. Not banned.

E- Exile: Someone banned from the store.

RE- Religious Exile: Banned from the store for religious reasons. Jehova's witnesses who won't leave customers alone being the most common reason.

J- Jumpy: Related to SH, but rarely steals anything. Always over reacts when approached.

SHiT- SHoplifter in Training. usually in the company of two or more SH.

Lil SHiT- Children of SH.

WB- Whiney Bitch: Woman trouble customer.

TSC- Trans Sexual Customer. That weird guy who insists on shopping ONLY in the ladies dept. Often seen wearing a skirt and makeup.

JB- Jail Bait. Young customers who insist on dressing older/flirting with older work staff.

[Rapscallion]

I've just updated the front page under the 'fun section' with 'lists of doom' - this one is now in there. I'm going to sticky this thread and when enough extras are added, I'll update that.

Rapscallion

[trunks2k]

TSC- Trans Sexual Customer. That weird guy who insists on shopping ONLY in the ladies dept. Often seen wearing a skirt and makeup.


<nitpick> That would be transvestite. Transexual is when they are undergoing an actual sex change. Transexuals try very hard to look like the sex they are transitioning to, so they aren't as obvious as one would expect. </nitpick>

[aqutalion]

Mr. Craftsman- When selling stuff you made, you'll inevitably run into someone who thinks that since they could make that item themselves, you should lower the price. Sure, cheapass, you could make it yourself- if you bought $50 worth of tools and spent enough time and possibly more money to learn how to use them and perfect your technique. Or you could just buy the thing right now for $20.

Mr. Wannabe- Somewhat related to Mr. Craftsman, Mr. Wannabe knows he could make that item himself, if you'd just show him how. Come on, you can just tell me how to make it, right? It won't take long. What? Buy a book? Take a class? But that's expeeeeeeensive! Can't you *just tell me*?

[Jester]

<nitpick> That would be transvestite. Transexual is when they are undergoing an actual sex change. Transexuals try very hard to look like the sex they are transitioning to, so they aren't as obvious as one would expect. </nitpick>

Yes and no. Try they do, but sometimes not so successfully. I have seen post-operational transsexuals who were obvious, and transvestites not interested in sex changes who weren't. Just saying.


Mr. Wannabe- Somewhat related to Mr. Craftsman, Mr. Wannabe knows he could make that item himself, if you'd just show him how. Come on, you can just tell me how to make it, right? It won't take long. What? Buy a book? Take a class? But that's expeeeeeeensive! Can't you *just tell me*?

From the magician's standpoint, this same attitude manifests itself similarly: "You have to tell me how you did that. Seriously. No, I won't tell anyone. Hell, this is my only time in town, and when I leave, I won't see anyone who knows you. I am going 2000 miles away from here. Surely you can tell me how you did that. I won't tell anyone. Why won't you tell me how you did that?" Etc., etc., ad nauseum.

[appliance god]

The Wall This customer will walk around the store and refuse to even be talked to by a salesperson. Even a Cheery "Good Morning!" will be greeted with a raised hand and a short retort such as "NO!". (True Story!) They have thier own little wall around them and woe betide the salesperson who attempts to break it.

The Lord and Master This customer will get a salesperson, who is now the customers personal slave, to do his bidding no matter how mundane.

Funnily enough, The Wall can become a Lord and Master in a stunningly quick time.

[Luna]

The Unprepared - this customer won't have anything they need to shop in your store. They are always there, but still haven't gotten it down pat. Coupons? They forgot em. Frequent shopper card? Don't have it. Checkbook? In the car. ID? - nope. But it's all your fault..every single time they come in.

Damaged Discount Seekers - these customers want discounts on what they call damaged. Some I've even caught damaging the goods in order to try to get a discount. They would always get angry when I tell them I don't discount damages - as I can send them back to the warehouse/publishers and get FULL price for them (AND as I have another couple hundred of said item that is not damaged to sell). Inevitably, the "but it's a gift" retort will come out of their mouths...to which I would say endless variations of: "So you're giving a gift that's DAMAGED, but it's okay as long as it's cheap and damaged?"

Are You Sure??!! - these customers don't want to hear what you're saying unless it's what they WANT to hear. They'll keep asking if you're sure until you finally give up your evil ways and say, "Ah! Ya got me! I was kidding, I really DO sell this product that I've never seen in this store for the past 5 years of working here. I'm glad you kept asking me if I was sure!"

I was next! - these customers suddenly revert to a mass of unruly pre-k school aged children. They usually come out on the weekends, when they KNOW it will be busy at the mall, but are still pissed about it. They are tripping to start a fist fight with anyone on line with them.

that's all I can think of for now that hasn't already been said.

[skeptic53]

Since this is now a sticky thread, I thought I'd be a spelling nazi and mention that it should be "canonical", not "cannonical". Unless you mean something to do with large military guns...

[Becks]

The grazers-- In the produce department, you'll often find them sampling the grapes, by poking holes in the plastic wrap and grabbing a couple. I wonder if they care that the grapes haven't been washed, and the red ones can be quite dirty...
Grazers (a)--Hot foods and salad bar division. They'll help themselves (since it's self-serve) by filling up our handy food containers, then wander around the store snacking on said items. If there's any food left in the containers by the time they make it to the registers, MAYBE, just maybe, they'll pay for what's left. Often, they'll just ditch it in some aisle, behind other items.

[DigitalEngine]

The Cat Lady: All stores have one of these. This woman will come in covered in cat hair and will talk about nothing but her cats. If said shop is a food shop, she will spend a fortune on food for her cat and a paltry amount on her own food.

LoL this reminds me of one of my professors when I was still in law school. Except he was a Dog Man. He comes to lectures in the morning covered in dog hair and spends like 80% of class time talking about his dogs and all the new tricks they've learned to do. I'm surprised he's never shown pictures of them. Oh wait .. I think I missed that class :D I've got some too add to the list:

The Family Outing Shopper
A family that shops in huge groups and are annoying in clothing stores, since they tend to hog fitting rooms. Basically some members of the group will go into the fitting rooms and would not budge out of there while mom/dad/aunt/uncle/son/daughter whatever would be out in the store area picking out the stuff that they're going to try on, taking their sweet time because they know that they don't have to wait in line since mom/dad/aunt/uncle/son/daughter has already saved them a spot in the fitting rooms, while the line of people waiting outside the fitting rooms grows longer and longer and longer.

The Underaged Grabber
This happens to me alot for some reason. The Underaged Grabber are not really customers, they're little children roaming wild, unattended around a store, grabbing parts of people's body. Usually the behind. I even had a kid bit me on my a** before. Unfortunately the little brat ran away before I had a chance to grab it and shake the living :censored: out of it.

The Kicker
This is the SC who sits behind you at the movies, proceeding to kick the back of your seat all throughout the entire movie. Sometimes they even put their feet up on top of your seat, like right behind your head :cry:

The Concrete Face Women
This is a name I made up with my friends. For some reason, we have alot of them in my city.
This breed is basically women with make up that's like, probably, 2 inches thick. So thick that I think if you throw a pebble at them their face would crack or something. CF Woman is usually flanked by her kids. CF Woman usually looks at other, younger women like dirt and give younger guys the *ahem* bedroom look. CF Woman usually expects to be treated special for no reason at all, that they should not suffer long waits at long lines and other people should let them go ahead of them in lines. One of the classics I've had from a CS Woman was when I wouldn't let her go ahead me in line. She said, "I'm older than you! You should respect your elder! :wtf:

The Money Thrower
These are the SCs who would throw their money at you when they pay for something. Yes, we have this kind all over the world, folks!

The I-Am-Royalty
SCs who would walk in the door with their nose high in the air, gets a hissy fit if the store's employers does not bow and greet them IMMEDIATELY, waits on them and only them, then proceeds to browse through the store sighing and complaining about how the merchandise here are so "terrible" and "low quality" compared to [insert-name-of-other-store-here]. If they decide to buy something anyway, they never, ever forget to ask if they can get a discount, even if whatever it is they buy is already on discount/insanely cheap.
Unfortunately, my mom fits into this category *sigh*

The Movie Theatre Brats
SC Teens who would watch movie in groups, yell/scream/laugh/be generally loud throughout the entire movie, throw popcorns at other people. This SC type is also usually a Kicker (read above).

The Seat Hogger
They normally inhabit a type of public transportation in this country. The transportation is basically a minibus type with two long benches facing each other on either side of the minibus. One of the benches can fit up to seven people, the other one that is parallel to the door can fit five people.
The Seat Hogger would occupy the middle of the bench, glaring at you if *gasp! howdareyou!* ask them if they could scoot over. In some incidents, I even had them hiss at me.
Sometimes they would occupy the spot right next to the door, even if the minibus is almost empty, facing to the front of the minibus so that their feet would be exactly in front of the doorway, tripping people who are trying to get off the minibus and act like they're doing nothing wrong.

[BusBus]

The one item at a time person - The person who insists on naming everything that they are removing from their purse/wallet when completing a transaction, e.g. Here is my driver's license, here is my shopper card, here is my visa, here is my airmiles card etc etc etc

The emergency person - the person who comes running in with an "emergency" at the last minute. When asked why they didn't take care of this sooner, they were too lazy/busy/tired to do it.

The I had Cat Poo for breakfast person - there is no other reason that you explain the rancid breath that these folks have :puke:

The Leaners - the person who leans into your working/personal space while you trying to take care of them. Often times, they have had cat poo for breakfast.

The fragrance bathers -the folks who bathe and marinate themselves in their fragrance of choice, forcing you to hold your breath and pray that you still have some Advil in your bag.

The Unprofessional Professionals - the lawyers, doctors, accountants who treat you like crap because they are "better than you". (I have dealt with some fantastic professionals in my work life, and I have dealt with some on the other end of that spectrum, so I'm certainly not saying that all professionals are assclowns).

The Doctor : "That's Doctor Assclown, not Mister Assclown". Wow. I don't care.

The White racists : Just because I'm white, doesn't mean that I agree with your racist comments/views.

The You-are-a-racist person-Just because I'm white, doesn't mean that I am a racist, so drop the bloody 'race card' that you pulled out of thin air.

*phew* That was therapeutic.

-BusBus

[CritterGirl]

The "...and stuff" lady.

Lady came in, and was asking about the water in her fish tank being a little off, so I directed her to the water conditioners/treatments, and asked a few questions to help narrow down exactly what she might need. I swear, I have never heard anyone, not even a valleygirl type, use the phrase "and stuff" so many times in the span of 5 minutes. It was nearly after every 5 words, she even used it twice in a row without anything else in between. I could literally feel the brain cells committing suicide inside my head. You wouldn't have even found that kind of dialogue in an old, badly written movie.

[KaeZoo]

The Relay Team: This is the husband and wife team that calls you on the phone. Hubby has a question but doesn't do conversation, so he directs his wife to call it in. Of course it's a ridiculously vague question, and your every attempt to narrow it down has to be passed on to Hubby and back through his wife. God forbid he should have to talk to you himself.

[NightAngel]

I'm too tired to read back 7 pages to see if this is posted already. :P

The Singer:
S/he may or may not be your average SC. They may even be totally polite, prepared and wonderful overall.

However, after they have wandered your store for an hour...

1. Singing off key
2. Singing songs you hate
3. Singing songs they don't actually know the lyrics to
4. Any combination thereof including all aformentioned at once

...you simply want to throttle them or at least give them free candy so they can't torture you anymore.
It's especially bad when you can tell by the way the person acts that others have misguided them into the belief that they can sing exceptionally well. Unfortunately, most of them should not be allowed to sing underwater.

[chrisistheman]

The fat conservative-Blabs on about how the democrats are screwing this country up, and gives you a hard time about his bread, and looks at you like your a low income high school dropout and thinks that he can treat you as such. Gives you an angry look if you look at his daughter and he automatically thinks you like her and grabs the shopping cart out of your hand. Also, he weighs 300 lbs and smells like s----t.

[Gravekeeper]

I'll chime in a few from the phonelines....


The Detective:

This is the one who believes that you or your company actually has a special policy of withholding information or services unless someone is "smart enough" to ask for them repeatedly. They will ask for the same information, product or service over and over claiming that you really do know it/have it/can do it for them. Will insist your denial is just an act.

Bonus points if they try to use "evidence" such as "I saw it on 60 Minutes!" against you.


The Consulater

Whenever you attempt to get any information from this SC, they put the phone down or turn away from you to go consult someone else in the background. After a muffled discussion, they will return with the required information. They may do this for every single question you ask until you're looking at the pen on your desk wondering if it could pierce an artery.


The Friend You've Never Met Before

I'm sure you've ALL seen or heard this guy. He's the one who immediately begins referring to you as "Pal", "Friend", "Bro" or "Buddy. I loath this man with the fire of a thousand suns. It's *always* a man too.

He will attempt to plead or justify whatever stupid request he may have by using lines like "Ah, come on bro, just between us?" "Hey, cut me a break, we're pals right?".



Wheel's Spinning but the Hamster's Dead

People who take a ridiculously long time to process, comprehend, consider or meditate on even the simpliest question. May act like they've never been asked that question before even if it's something like their phone number or address.



Living under a Rock

SC's who draw a complete blank when you ask a question using an extremely common term for a piece of information. Such as the term "Postal code", "Zip code", "ID", "Credit Card", etc. After you explain they'll go "Oh! Yeah, I've never heard it called that before."

[Gravekeeper]

Oh, and one more.......


Personal Emergency

Unless you work in some sort of emergency service like I have the misfortune of doing you may have never encountered this wonderful speciman. They'll typically call in the middle of the night with some utterly insignificant problem. They will insist that you get a hold of a property manager, technician, security guard etc for their problem.

When you inform them their issue is not considered an emergency they will use the one line that drives me *insane*.

"But it's an emergency to ME!"

This is their mantra and it seems universal. Without fail almost everyone who calls an emergency line with some stupid little problem and is denied will use that line. There are few one liners in my years of being an operator that completely eliminate my will to assist a caller faster then that one.

Leaves me privately hoping they get set upon by wolves next time they leave their house. =p

[Jester]

They may do this for every single question you ask until you're looking at the pen on your desk wondering if it could pierce an artery.

Congratulations. Thanks to that line, I have now officially violated Rule #1...and with Carnation Instant Breakfast, no less! :spew:

[Canadian In Maine]

1. Singing off key
2. Singing songs you hate
3. Singing songs they don't actually know the lyrics to
4. Any combination thereof including all aformentioned at once

We have a guy that comes in our store that chirps like a bird and it drives me nuts. I find it incredibly annoying - like the cricket that is stuck in the wall or something.

I am so tempted to tell him to shut the f up.

[officegirl]

The Oggler- dirty-looking guy who comes in EVERY NIGHT you work to walk around the store, get a small bottle of alcohol and then proceed to oggle you and ask you personal questions as you ring him up. bonus points if he actually thinks you are interested or that he has a chance.

The Drunken Fool-comes in right before closing time followed by partially sober friend, stumbling around, mumbling completely incoherent nonsense and buys ANOTHER bottle of vodka as friend apologizes profusely. Bonus points if he tries to pick a fight with your friend (Male) who just got there to visit you. Extra bonus points if he manages to break some merchandise.

The Snooty Wine Drinker- comes in occasionally (definitely not as much as the previous two) to stand in the wine section and look at every single bottle, then ask you tons of questions about wine, to which you have absolutley no answers.

The You-Never-Have-The-Beer-I-Like- Comes in once a week to see if you have FINALLY gotten the only kind of beer he drinks. Realizes you still haven't and walks out mumbling harsh words. Once you finally begin to stock it for him, he stops coming in and no one else buys it!

[boffomusic]

The Illiterate (frequent's book/video/music retailers): Anonymous "customer" who always puts stuff back in places where it clearly doesn't belong (a VHS copy of "Somewhere in Time" in the action section of DVDs). This person could just be lazy, but if they're this lazy, they're probably illiterate too (as a result of being to lazy to learn to read).

[thesocalledrudegirl]

Here are a few I can think of, (one might be offensive to some):

Desperately seeking a restroom
These ones look around in every corner of a store for a restroom. They even try walking back into the warehouse or any other off-limits area to customers thinking there's a restroom somewhere back there even though there is no restroom sign. When you ask if you can help them or tell them they can't walk back there, they get all offended and say they're looking for a restroom. Me (inside): Excuse me, but did you see a sign for a restroom back here? All you have to do is ask and someone will point you in the direction of the restroom.

I have X disability so I need priority service type
Now, I have no issues with people with disabilities. I even have some mild disabilities myself. When people who have disabilities, that are still capable of doing many or most things for themselves, either come into the store or call up demanding or whining about needing a certain service or product, use their disability as some sort of crutch that in their minds means they should always get immediate service. I can understand it when it's an issue that is potentially life threatening to them, but people are quite capable of living without a tv or computer--they've done so for centuries, those completely healthy or those that are sick or disabled.

Too cheap to use directory assistance or too lazy to use a phonebook
Your company has a local or a toll free number, so they call you up and ask you what the number is for their local store or for the number of a competitor. When you don't have this information available and suggest they check a phonebook or dial 411, they complain and say, "That takes too much time" or "That costs money"

Always wants your superior everytime they call no matter their question or issue
Everytime these folks call they want to speak to a superior no matter what their problem is. Sometimes they yell and scream at you, sometimes they don't. Whatever the problem is though, they think you are completely uncapable of taking care of their problem. If you ask what it is they need before you transfer them to your busy and overstressed superior they get upset that you even ask. If you ask your boss about it later, it was usually something you could have helped them with.

[booger]

The Medicaid patients that shouldn't be: Get all peeved if there's a small copay on something (usually the case for some narcotics or uber-expensive meds) yells for a bit, whips out a freaking razr cell phone to call someone, then grudgingly pulls out an italian leather wallet out of their gucci purse and tosses a few bucks at you. These ones piss me off more than anything. >:(

I think these people are related to the
*Professional Babymama: often seen roaming around the store with a gaggle of small children in their cart. Babymama is always seen dressed in designer labels, with beautiful hair and freshly manicured nails. They mainly come in to reload their food stamp cards or cash their assistance checks.

[Bigevilogre]

It reminds me of the one who walks by looking at what you have and leaves. They return a few minutes later looking at the same things and leaves. When you ask if they need any help "No, just looking. Thanks." and then return once again to just look. I call them the Lookie Losers.


[no handle for this one]. - A lonely person who insist on hanging in the store and engaging you in conversation about his weird obsession.


I'm sure the rest of you will have additions to this list.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The Lap Runner: (not really sucky, just amusing). This one older guy who smells like pee and clearly has some form of cognitive delay , who visits the store just about every day, and has a habit of going through the automatic entrance doors, then back out the automatic exit doors, then back through the entrance doors, then back out the exit doors. Does this about 3 or 4 times before finally entering the store for good.

The Barstool Customer: People (I'll be charitable and call them "morons") who buy a bunch of barstools, get them loaded up, get them home, put them together--and then find out the stools are the wrong size (usually they error on the side of the stools being too short for the counter, table or bar). So then the moron tosses the barstools back in the vehicle and brings them back and returns them, and then somebody, usually Yours Truly, has to figure out what to do with a bunch of assembled barstools because we already have them on display.

There's a wonderful invention out there. It's called a tape measure. Use it!

Monosyllabic Guy:

MG: (to me) Hey!
I.P: Yes, can I help you find something?
MG: Light bulbs!
I.P: (thinking "Yes, light bulbs. What about them?") Right this way, I'll take you over to them
MG: (upon arriving at light bulbs) Hmmmph!
I.P: Anything else I can help you find today?
MG: No!
I.P: Okay, thank you.
MG: Thanks!

[ArenaBoy]

The Talk over you SC: This SC is annoying and talks over you when you are trying to give info to the customer.

[scarred4lifebykinkos]

Enjoying this very much. I can see all of them playing in the film library in my poor broken little head...!

Here's mine:

The "ImSoGladYoureHere" SC - This is the guy who comes in at 4am for a FAX from another country and wants to talk to you because no one else is awake. Just because I happen to be awake, doesn't mean I would just LOVE to talk to you instead of doing all the work I have going on...

The "ScaryHoboGuyLateAtNight" SC - This is the guy who comes in at 4am to use the restroom, and urinates on the floor. No one else will let him use the john. I wonder why? Anyway, I saw him coming once, and put a sign on both restrooms, saying "Out Of Order". Guess the smelly poor-aimed, upstanding member of the community can't read. Yep, you guessed it, I had pee patrol that night. I confronted him, and he says, "It wasn't me. I sit down when I pee". I told him to make sure he finished before he stands up then...ugh.

The "INeverApprovedThat" SC - This is usually a female. Typically around X-Mas time. She will order custom greeting cards with the oh so special and VERY important greeting from the Johnsons, Huffers, (insert well-to-do name here) etc. She will order 200 double-sided color cards. She will return to approve the quality, checking the spelling of her greeting, and she will SIGN off on a completed "proof". She will agree to have production started ASAP...aaaaand the next day when she picks up her order---She finds an error she missed!! I just love those ladies. They are the greatest. The cream of the crop. And hey, you know that it's always the guy at the counters' fault who finds her order as well. ALWAYS.

[k66]

Mr. You're Not Male, You Don't Know Anything The guy that thinks because you're female, you don't know anything about electronic devices and proceeds to walk past you and bug a male associate who is busy with others of this category.

Ms. You're Not Male..... Usually accompanies the Mr. above but thinks you aren't capable of assiting them because they wouldn't be capable of assiting customers if they were you.

Mr./Ms. You're So Tiny, Are You Sure You Can Carry All That? Sometimes they evolve with the skill to add more dishes to your tray while commenting how heavy your tray must be.

The Doppleganger A customer who insists they visited the store a few hours earlier and were promised a good deal by an associate who they can't describe physically but insist is employed at the store.

The Gravitational Pull Guests who sit at a table and think that condiments and settings from nearby tables are for their taking. Usually exerts dirty dishes and trash to nearby tables [which are clean!!] as a trade off for borrowed settings.

The Bilingual There are 3 variations to this.

1. Orders in perfect English, talks smack about you to their friends in their native language. Usually poor tippers.

2. Gives you blank looks as if they don't understand English [sometimes goes as far as ordering in a foreign language] then converses with their friends in English.

3. Throws out random phrases in the language revelant to the work in an attempt to look culturally experienced or humorous[example: Chinese in a Chinese restaurant]. Bonus points: Pronunciation so poor, it sounds like an entirely different language.

The Student Raises their hand as soon as they realize they need something. Bonus Points: They raise their hand after you've taken only 2 steps away from the table. Game Winner: They raise their hand for someone else while you are speaking to them.

Mr./Ms. I Eat Here, Its My House Tries to walk into the restaurant kitchen for whatever reason. Tries to serve themselves drinks [example: reaching over the bar counter to get the well gun].


Hopefully no one else threw these out...since I have to have my posts approved an all. I apologize for any duplicates.

[DesignFox]

What a great list...I think I have some that weren't posted already-

Mr./Ms. Expert Photographer- thinks s/he knows everything there is to know about photography. Uses photography jargon like "exposure" or "aperture" to sound like a big shot, even though s/he has no clue what those terms mean. When you explain what those terms actually mean, they argue with you, even though you went to school for photography and work as a photographer!!! But gee, what do we REAL professionals know!

Mr./Ms. Thisishowtodoyourjob- Always seems to know how to do your job better than you.

Coupon Whore- Always wants to use multiple coupons even though coupon clearly states that they may only use one. Will ask for coupons if they aren't in possession of one. Rarely wants to pay for anything/won't make a purchase without one.

I know I have more, but that's all I can think of for now! :wave:

[DesignFox]

Thought of a couple more for the list:

Mr/Ms. Marinade- bathes in perfume or cologne to the point that everyone in your store is gasping for clean air. (thanks to Lace Neil Singer's post for reminding me of this one)

The Hoverer- hovers over your register while you are helping another guest. Shoulders their way up your other guest's butt in an attempt to make you ring faster so you can help them with their oh-so-important purchase or question. Oftentimes interrupts you or the guest you are helping and refuses to back off even when told, "Excuse me, but I am helping another guest, I'll be with you in a moment!"

[HawaiianShirts]

Mr. You're Not Male, You Don't Know Anything The guy that thinks because you're female, you don't know anything about electronic devices and proceeds to walk past you and bug a male associate who is busy with others of this category.

Ms. You're Not Male..... Usually accompanies the Mr. above but thinks you aren't capable of assiting them because they wouldn't be capable of assiting customers if they were you.

These people entertain me. Being male, they often approach me with the technological questions. Now, if you want to know about computers, laptops in particular, then I can definitely help. In fact I'll probably give you more information than you want. You ask me about plasma TVs, I'm can go only so far as to tell you where they are and which ones we have in stock. You ask about car audio stuff, I can only go so far as to tell you that my car has a CD-changer in the trunk. I love referring those people to one of my FEMALE co-workers in the other departments and informing them that SHE knows far more about those questions than I do.

The Doppleganger A customer who insists they visited the store a few hours earlier and were promised a good deal by an associate who they can't describe physically but insist is employed at the store.

I had a guy try to pull that the other day. He called up to ask if I had a certain laptop in stock, which I did. Of course, I used my name when answering the phone, and he remembered that. What he didn't remember was to look at my name tag when talking to me. When he showed up, he told me what he wanted and...
SC: I called a few minutes ago to see if you had these. You still have them right?
Me: Yes, I do. Would you like me to get one for you?
SC: Well, when I called I talked to a HawaiianShirts, and he said he'd give me a discount if I bought two.
Me: I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
SC: But he said...
Me: No, I didn't, sir. I am HawaiianShirts. I remember talking to you. I never offered you a discount.
SC: Oh... I'll just get the one, then.
His face flushed, and he barely said another word to me (except a "yes" to the service plan and a "no" to the security software) the rest of the transaction. I heard he later tried to complain to the cashiers that I was rude, but I know they don't care enough to listen.

And I have another to add. The Wanna-Be Haggler:
This customer has read that it is often possible to get discounts for stuff if one asks the right person in the right way. But he or she has not yet figured out who that person is or what is the right way. They're the ones who ask questions like:
"Can't you go any lower?"
"What is the lowest price you can give me?"
"Don't you have any coupons or something?"
"What about a senior/military/student/blue-pants-wearing discount?"
These are usually accompanied by a pleading, puppy-dog-eyes look and often followed with: "Aw, come on," or "Are you sure?" They have yet to learn that haggling, even where it is appropriate, is a give-and-take exchange of offer and counter-offer until both parties find something satisfactory.

[Jester]

Mr. You're Not Male, You Don't Know Anything......

Ms. You're Not Male.....

Being male, these people also amuse me. Now, I am in food service, so I only ever get to see these yahoos in action when I am off of work, but it is still funny. Especially in relation to me personally. See, when it comes to automotive stuff, my stepsister pretty much knows her way around vehicles better than most guys. Myself, I can change my tires and I can change my oil and I can change the station on my radio. And that is about it. I am almost to the point where I wouldn't know the difference between a ball joint and a ball bearing. (I actually do know what a ball bearing looks like, however.) But because I am a guy and she is a fairly attractive female, people just assume. Dopey, dopey, dopey.

By the way, those who missed me....Fantasy Fest in Key West tends to distract one from their normal routine. Between working my ass off and partying my ass off, I did not have time to even check my email for the last two weeks or so. But hopefully I will be here a little more regularly once again. And, for those who didn't miss me.... how ya doin'? :wave:

[shoegirl]

It takes all kinds, so the saying goes. I've seen a lot of "kinds", and here are some of my personal favorites.

Mr./ Ms. Popularity: No one else asks for my ID when I write a check. Everybody knows who I am! ( Well I don't, nor do I care!)

Special Bank Card Person: Oh, my debit card doesn't need a pin number. (Oh yeah, well in this store it does!)

Coupon Nut Case: I don't know why you won't take my coupons. You took them last week! (Like, they're expired this week!)

Mr./Ms. Punctuality: Wow, this is a great time to shop... there's hardly anybody in the store! (We closed half an hour ago, moron!)

[Spankmonkey]

My favorites are the dimwits that have no friggin clue about what type of connection, or even anything about clicking outside of a 3 or 4 things. When one of those things gets interrupted, then it's up to you to try to lead them back to their simple little world.

I hate tech support, hate it with a passion, I would rather burn all of my pubes off with a magnifying glass on a sunny day than have to deal with people who are unwilling to learn about things that they don't have, and refuse to cooperate because they are under the assumption that we have the capability to see everything they're doing. If I could do remote viewing, I wouldn't need the customer to be on the phone now would I?

The second part of this is managment, It seems like the highter someone climbs to the top of the corporate ladder the less oxygen gets to their brain. Our business is looking to acquire a new support contract.. Translation, we're getting pimped out.. Same money goes in my pocket each week, however the list of tasks keep piling on. Needless to say because of these corporate fudgepackers, and the political door knobs, all that there is available for me to move into is stupid technical support or Customer Service.

I try to go to something else like a management position at Taco Bell, or Pizza Hut, and they always say "We're going to start you off as a driver, then after a few months. Or there's a better position in the company and I don't get it because the department is understaffed or they hire from the outside. Though they give you this crap at all the meetings "We believe in promoting from within!"

Um.. what a load of crap. I think for Christmas, I'm going to eat alot of Taco Bell, and Burger King, then anything that comes out of my rear end I'm going to wrap up in a ziplock bag and give it to them as a way to say, thank you for all that you've given me. Then just walk out.

[Pezzle]

I didn't read the whole thread, i came in late! >.< but...

Mr. or Mrs. You-Work-Here-So-You-Know-Everything-About-Every-Product-In-Every-Department.

Well you can fix a computer, so which one of these subwoofers would fit in my honda civic!? or, well, ANYTHING involving HD Plasma TVs. I know how to hook one up to a computer and that's about it. There's a reason why I work on the opposite side of the store.

[Jade Pheonix]

I have a few.

The Hater/Shopper: Complains constantly about the store/employees, often says they hate the store/ employees, but shops there despite all that hatred and nearby stores that sell the same thing you do.

The Baby Line Cutter: Cuts in checkout line, often pushing in front of other customers just as they reach the register, all while claiming it's because they have a baby. Said baby is asleep and/or in no need to leave the store immeditatly. Grouped with "Can't Wait" people, only with a poor excuse.

Not SC, but annoying:

The Finger-trap: They ask a question, get and answer, but then start a conversation. Called "Finger Trap" because once you're in, you can't get out, no matter how hard to try to pull away.

The Play-me-a-sad-song : Starts out like a finger trap but instead of talking to you, they tell you their entire sad life story, comes with crocodile tears and expectance of sympathy.

[KhirasHY]

Best ones I could come up with:

The Zealot - When confronted, will respond angrily about discriminations against his/her religion. Will attempt to do so as loud as possible, even if they know they are incorrect.

The Problem - A hotel occurance, being a guest who will complain about everything and anything until they are given something free. Free items include, but are not limited to, upgraded rooms, comped meals, alcohol from the bar, free stays, and so on. The Problem will also continually stay at the same chain of hotels, complaining every time, until the company simply starts giving them items to shut them up.

The Daycarer - Seen most often in arcades and video game stores, the Daycarer will leave their children unattended for long periods of time, expecting store employees to watch over them. Fun bonus! By law, the police can be contacted to charge excessive Daycarers with Child Abandonment :lol:

The Cat - Or specifically, what killed it. The Cat will enter a store and touch everything. No item will go untouched, even items that clearly have posted signs instructing customers not to do so. This should not be confused with...

The Beaver - Similar to The Cat, the Beaver not only touches items in the store, but moves them in an apparent attempt to build a new home somewhere. Extermination recommended.

The Maleficent - Customers who will immediately verbally attack the first employee to come in vocal range for no reason. The Maleficent will often have no problematic experiences before this point, and is known to attack without provocation. Related to The Idiot.

The Idiot - Customer type unable to comprehend simple information. Primary examples can be seen in malls after closing or before opening, specifically customers who see lights on inside the store, but continually pull on the locked doors while unable to comprehend what they mean. Related to the Maleficent.

The Rabbit(s) - Customers who seem to be unable to repress sexual desire. Will kiss, grope, and moan in public without taking heed to their surroundings repeatedly. Not to be confused with...

The Dickhead - Customer who is unable to repress sexual desire for employees. The Dickhead will repeatedly intrude with heavy sexual overtones and innuendo, all of which will be rejected by the intended recipients. Rarely attractive, however being attractive never helps.

The Toilet - Customer who, when having moments of near intelligence, quickly flushes it, avoiding all contact.

[dragonflygrrl]

The VIP - This SC will attempt to impress you with his alleged celebrity. Refusal of his idiotic demands will result in his playing his trump card: "Do you know who I am?" This is easily quashed by replying in the negative and a reiteration of company policy.

The Owner's BFF - Related to the VIP by his inflated sense of his own importance, this SC will attempt to use any relation to or acquaintance with the store's owner to get discounts, free stuff, or policies broken advantageously. Combat this sucky behaviour by pretending not to realize the alleged relationship is being exploited for customer's gain. Simply say, "Yes, [owner] is a great guy, isn't he. I'll tell him you were in," then continue following policy.

Bag Lady - Not to be confused with an actual bag lady, this spoiled, entitled, and pampered b*tch will try to impress you with her expensive handbag by turning it strategically so the Prada/Gucci/Coach/etc emblem is pointed directly at you. IN the face of overwhelming evidence that retail workers don't care what you pulled your credit card out of as long as it is clean and doesn't decline, it is as yet unclear what this SC is hoping to gain. This is easily dealt with by steadfastly ignoring the bag in question.

Large Mouth Bass - This SC will answer any and all questions directed at them with an openmouthed gape. See also Star-Gazer.

Star-Gazer - This SC will answer any and all questions directed at them by staring at the ceiling in the hopes that the solution might be found there. See also Large Mouth Bass.

[bl76km81]

The person who gets store gift card,buys an inexpensive item and tells me that she hates shopping at our store. Then gets irate because we don't give cash back, only the card.

This next one, is usually around the holidays: people who haven't seen each other since last year. Visiting, and giving in detail every thing that has happened since the last time they saw each other, standing in my way,blocking the aisle. These are usually elderly people. You want to tell them, "hey idiot, we have a snack bar, go there and talk.

The 3rd, one is non-parenting parenting.
When I am on checkouts, the kids are grabbing, playing with the credit card machine, grabbing candy, which went like this;
Child: Can I have candy
Mom; No, put that down.
Child: I want candy
Mom; How many times do I have to tell you no.
Child; Please
Mom: Okay but don't ask for anything else.
This isn't a quiet conversation, these are people yelling and kids screaming.

It never failed if there was screaming kid, or a crying baby, they were going through my line.

The 4th Non-parenting parent:
In a aisle in H&B, there was wall of headbands, barettes, etc. all of this on pegs.
A kid was grabbing on them and using them like a climbing wall. I said to him, please don't do that you can hurt yourself, the mother turned around, and told me to stop trying to disipline my son. Thank God, my supervisor, was in the next aisle, and listening, the guest accused me of being billegerent, and a bitch, and wanted to file a complaint, fortunatly they let her file it, and then disposed of it, in the circular file cabinet.

Don't bring your kids, to a store, if they can't behave, or your not ready to disipline them.

[Azalea]

I think this one is mostly for phone csrs, but I could be wrong.

Mr./Ms. Non-Sequiter

These are the SC's who answer yes or no questions with a lengthy story that has little if anything to do with what their issue is, then get mad when you can't help them just by using your psychic powers. They will volunteer everything down to their underwear size EXCEPT what you actually asked them for. :rolleyes:

[opscaddy]

Mr./Ms. "But I treat it like it's my baby!" - Often have either very small, or very expensive, items, that look like they have been drop kicked into a washing machine and then dried out in the oven. Refused to believe that maybe, just maybe, they caused the fault. Will pretend not to see obvious damage when pointed out, or claim it 'just happened' ("Well, it must have overheated or something." "There's an inch-deep gouge in the side of your computer! I can tell you what color table you have by the remnents of the wood in the dent!" "So you're calling me a liar?").

There are more, of course, but not at the forefront of my tired brain. :)

[Azalea]

Forgot my favorite one, the Psycho Screaming Spouse. This is the loud, obnoxious spouse of the person calling. Meek and/or passive aggressive spouse passes the phone off to them when they don't get the answer they want. Can often be heard in the background threatening lawsuit and raging about lack of special treatment to repair situations that are THEIR OWN fault.

[MadMike]

Forgot my favorite one, the Psycho Screaming Spouse. This is the loud, obnoxious spouse of the person calling. Meek and/or passive aggressive spouse passes the phone off to them when they don't get the answer they want. Can often be heard in the background threatening lawsuit and raging about lack of special treatment to repair situations that are THEIR OWN fault.


Had something like that once. This woman went off on me because we ran out of a sale item, screaming at me about "bait and switch tactics", and all that other bullshit. Meanwhile, her husband is standing there silently, just rolling his eyes, obviously embarrassed by her behavior.

[AmericanZero8503]

Mr/Mrs. Pennypincher- watches each item being rung up, willing to hold a line up for 20 minutes to get a price check that proves them wrong. Fails to see a difference between generic/name brand. Will not accept the fact that some people abandon stuff in the wrong place, so the price is not right. Willing to argue over a 10 cent price difference. Most of the time they are either elderly or white trash, bonus points if they are both.

Morse Code Transmitter- will tap on the counter thinking it will make me do my job faster. What it actually does is make me go slower.

Dumb Kids- run up wanting applications, thinking we give jobs to 14 year olds. Act very rude to the person who will ultimately take their application. (Which will result in the application finding its way to the pass box...the trash can)

Last minute marathon runner- will walk in to the store with in one minute of closing time, proceeds to fill up a cart. Then tries to pay with a bad check, cancelled credit card, or Foodstamp card with not enough money on it. Meaning you have to spend 20 more minutes of your time returning stuff to the shelf.

Crack Family Robinson- parents who show up at 11:30 PM on a school night with their kids. And walk around wondering why the entire staff is looking strangely at them.

Old Bastards- Thinks that with age comes respect and wisdom. They have neither. Will hold up a line for 30 minutes so that they can buy 100 lottery tickets.

Confused Alcoholic- Will come in and attempt to buy as much alcohol that will fit in to a cart without realizing we can't sell that much in accordance to state law.

The Last Time Guy- "Well they did it last time"

Name Thrower- Thinks they earn special status because they can read a receipt with the managers name on it. "Oh me and phil go way back, so you should just give me money out of your drawer."

Scammers- have a new scam of the month. If its letting meat rot in the sun so that they can get a 200% refund for freshness, or printing fake payroll checks. They will then become enraged that we're not as retarded as we think they are. That we should be bending over backwards because they are a customer...think again trash.

....more to come later.

[AmericanZero8503]

Had something like that once. This woman went off on me because we ran out of a sale item, screaming at me about "bait and switch tactics", and all that other bullshit. Meanwhile, her husband is standing there silently, just rolling his eyes, obviously embarrassed by her behavior.

It's interesting how they accuse us of bait and switch considering, at least in my store, that all sale ads are determined by coporate. My friend is taking a business class and told me a business can print whatever they want in an ad, but they don't have to honor it. Explains alot of business practices at a place I will call Crest Cry...sorry to anyone who works there.

We too have the loud abusive spouse. He comes in and yells at his wife down at the other end of the store. He's been kicked out for shoplifting twice. But usually manages to sneak in anyway.

[AmericanZero8503]

Sorry to hijack this board but I thought of another one...

Thinks Mail Is Magical- will come in to a grocery store thinking we have wide array of postage stamps for sale in customer service. Will be come enraged because we're forcing them to send off their Visa bill with a stamp that features Navajo Indian Rugs...oh the horror. Seems to have never heard of a post office and the wide array of stamps availble there.

[Delacroix]

Captain More-than-obvious: Walks into a game store and will ask if you sell videogames. O_O; REALLY? THEY DO THAT NOW? I didn't know.
They'll do the same thing with clothing stores and ask if they have clothes, and music stores, asking if they have CDs.

Mister your-maturity-level-is-in-the-negatives: Calls the store/tech support/customer service/Suicide hotline with a really retarded soundboard.
THEN, they expect you not to know it's a soundboard.

Totally Bipolar: Will approach you, ask you a question politely, then angirly tell you how to do your job if they're not satisfied with your answer.

[hipster818]

Life Story CS - This is the person who will come in and talk for 5 minutes about there life, cats, kids, neighbor, ect before finally getting to the reason why they are there in the first place - at which time you have to pay attention again.

:banghead:

[Ackee]

I can't think of a name, they are mental, escaped fom an instituition.
Criers
Me : do you have ID?
They: No but i have, and pull out an array of other things which have no address.
Then they cry when you say you can't accept it
Annoyed
Me : do you have ID?
They: What? What do you mean , proof of address, I want to read books. What is the point of all that rubbish. You don't even know how to do your job properly. Go and FETCH me a manager.
flaterer
Me : do you have ID?
They: mad search through bag , comes up empty .Wow, you have an amazing accent, where are you from?

[CRXPanda]

[no handle for this one]. - A lonely person who insist on hanging in the store and engaging you in conversation about his weird obsession.



Creepy Guy #1, 2, etc.

Women are not creepy-guys, they are Slug#1, 2, etc

We had Creepy Guy #12, a/k/a IceCream Man, at WalMart in 1999, he would buy nutty-cones and walk around talking to you all night as you stocked, always licking on the cone. Quite disturbing, he was in his 60's or so, grey haired, seemed nice, never talked about anything gross or strange, just many different subjects. Even though there was no unsafe-evidence, we still had that feeling like he was just gonna "Michael Myers" us in the parking lot.

If any of you watched "The Practice" TV show, in the US, he reminded me of the character George Vogelman...

[anode_probe]

Damaged Discount Seekers - these customers want discounts on what they call damaged. Some I've even caught damaging the goods in order to try to get a discount. They would always get angry when I tell them I don't discount damages - as I can send them back to the warehouse/publishers and get FULL price for them (AND as I have another couple hundred of said item that is not damaged to sell). Inevitably, the "but it's a gift" retort will come out of their mouths...to which I would say endless variations of: "So you're giving a gift that's DAMAGED, but it's okay as long as it's cheap and damaged?"


As an antique dealer working for my ex's parents, I used to get these people all the time. "It's broken, I should get if for cheaper!" Hey, guess what, you ass! It's broken, because to repair said item would deminish the value. Another part of the business was when the person wanted to buy an original finish (say Quebec or eastern Ontario painted, particularly hideous, or "acquired taste" as dear old Babs used to put it) piece of furniture, then ask for free refinishing because it was a insideously ugly shade of jarring orange.

[anode_probe]

The "computers never break" lady insists that the company makes a supirior product, and as such should be able to provide free service for life.

The "This is my first computer" guy wants you to walk them through everything (yes everything) to do with "whatever it is you tech guys do"

the "just make it work" chick doesn't want to find out an underlying issue, just wants "the damned thing to work." See post in "Unsupportable" entitled "Call from Hell" for an extreme example.

The Cranial-Rectal Inversion Man The guy who I started on a secure erase which will take at least a week (he deserved it, go 8 way random rewrite!)

Giggle girl (this one applies to women and gay men exclusively) Flirts constantly with you, plays the dumb card (that they think is a helpless card), and generally keeps you on the phone because "you have a nice voice," *shudders*

Jake Gyllenthall Nope I didn't talk to him, but my friend who sat beside me when on front line did, I could be heard in the backgound, letting it be known that Mrs Gyllenthall has some competition.

Artistic genius I hate these people. They have an over entitlement complex. They also get rather upset when their knowledge of classical music/modern art is matched and/or surpassed by my own.

[Scottya21]

My couple additions:

Messenger Assassin : a supercategory of many other SC's, these people think the low level peon/cashier/etc is personally responsible for setting policies/prices/etc. To quote from a dilbert cartoon: "I don't make the rules, I just apply them with a hopeless and defeated manner". See next

Mr. Incredulous : assumes that we have some product or service, and cannot believe it when this is not the case. Ex.: "WHAT!? No milk for the coffee?" "WHAT!?? No windshield washing implements!?(at the pumps at a gas station)" "WHAT!?? You don't exchange American for Canadian Dollars!?!?!?", "WHAT!?? No cash back on debit purchases!??",etc.

Another in the selective language use category:

<no idea for a label> : Despite giving evidence that they speak some language other than cashier's native, don't comprehend when cashier responds in kind in an attempt to communicate.
ex: (background: at my gas station, you have to pay before hand with cash for gas, or use a card outside)
<confused french canadian people attempt to pump gas, fail, come inside store>
SC: For the Gas!
Me(primarily english speaking american): payez avant si vous plait.
SC: ??

Granted, sometimes my other languages are highly fragmented and non-natural, but they should get a vague idea at least...bah.

Finally,
Mr. Offended by Customer Service: Is offended by typical customer service techniques such as repeating to make sure things were understood, asking clarifying questions, etc. Applies particularly to people with ridiculous accents. Ex:
SC: thu-tee do-llahs ahn pahmp soo-ee. *hands $40 cash*
Me: So that's *overenunciates* thirty on pump 3?
SC: OF COURSE IT IS YOU SILLY AMERICAN PIG DOG !!!*stereotypical french person snort-laugh here*
I may have exaggerated that last part.

[decisivemoment]

The second opinioner(my made up word)-The person who doesn't like your answer and walks around the store asking every other employee who either says the same thing, or referrs them to you

The wander and dropper-The person who wanders around a store, picks up something and carries it for awhile, decides they don't want it and leaves it wherever. Bonus points if it's perishable

The TMI-The person who insists on telling you exactly why they are buying preparation H and how they got the problem to begin with.

The WAAAAY TMI-er-The person who tells you why they are buying 16 bottles of KY jelly and 3 packages of rubber gloves and then describes in detail how they are going to use them

The desperate for a date-The greasy guy who comes into stores and attempts to use them as thier personal dating service, using the cashiers as thier captive audience. So desperate that they will hit on pregnant women, teenage girls etc

I have an example of the last one..
Me= "Sales Associate" at a camera and photofinishing store.

Our two POS's (I call them registers, primarily to avoid the ever corny joke about what POS actually means) are right next to each other. A guy, maybe around 30 years old, walks up to pay for his pictures and finds himself standing next to another customer - a women who he finds fairly attractive. They exchange small talk as they are both rung up, but I casually observe their interaction - they looks at me then rolls her eyes and smiles a little bit.

Immediately after she leaves, he asks if we still have her receipt. I reply "Yes" then give him a non-verbal, "Why would you want that?" His question is more blunt: Could I get her phone number?

I laugh, tell him, sorry, no.

[ElementalAngel]

dont know if this has been done before...

The Penny Pincher- Customer that will hand you every coupon that they can possibly get their hands on and then try and give them to you even when they dont have the specific item on the bill.. (yes they expect you to take the money off). "Oh it says you can buy Jiff and I bought Jiff so I should get the money back" ummm no wrong size bottle.. read the fine print.. if you can.

The Grabber- self explanitory if you are a cashier.. the change will dissappear from your hand so fast you would swear smoke is curling from your fingers.

The Sneezer- yes this actually happened to me... this person doesnt know what kleenex is or how to cover their mouths when they sneeze and you usually end up wearing it

[Scottya21]

I forgot one

The Store-Layout-Challenged (okay, a better label would be good):

Stands on the otherside of the counter, 10 feet away from the POS/register equipment, and expects to complete their transaction from there. Bonus points if you're busy, more bonus points if they expect to be waited on before other customers.

[MMATM]

The Liar: Insist that "came that way" or that the damage to it "just happened." Will resort to shouting "are you calling me a liar?!" whenver you point out the inconsistencies in their story. Can turn into the [I]Sueper Trooper, especially if you respond with "yes."

The Sueper Trooper: Will go to court at the drop of a hat... almost literally. Even when following every law and company policy, they will threaten to sue if they are not getting what they want. Sometimes becomes - but more often is the next stage of - the Lawmaker.

The Lawmaker: Very simple. They insist that you have to do whatever they want because, after all, "it's the law!" May be evolved from or may evolve into the Sueper Trooper.

The Customer Who's Always Wrong: Makes demands or argues with you about something, then recites (all together now) "the customer is always right." This is expected to tear a hole in the fabric of the universe and cause whatever was previously impossible or non-negotiable to suddenly become the only imaginable course of action.

Etiquette Nazi: Proclaims that they "don't like your attitude" whenever you express any emotion other than pure delight at the privelige of their presence. Will complain to whomever they can (passing employees, other shoppers, cashiers, people on the street, PFB or M3C, etc.) in an effort to make your life miserable. Similar to the Terrorist.

The Terrorist: Calls corporate or one of your superiors with a complaint about you personally. This occurs either when you are unable to resolve one of their issues or when you refuse to accomodate one of their demands (and they are always demands). They often leave unsatisfied and then come back after they have made their report and expect that because they "got you in trouble" that you will now be more willing to cooperate with them (read: give them whatever they want). Often can be defeated by simply refusing again, especially if your superiors backed you up on the first occasion. Other times, the suits can't quite get their heads out of their a**es so tell you to bow to the customer's wishes.

Duck, Duck, Goose: Walks around the store looking for the employee that appears easiest to intimidate (the "goose"). Once selected, will attempt to negotiate solely with this employee in the hopes that they will get a discount or freebie.

The Loyal Customer: Demands freebies or discounts, claiming that they are a "loyal customer" or that they "spend a whole lot of money in your store" though you have rarely, if ever, seen them before.

[Scottya21]

The Terrorist: Calls corporate or one of your superiors with a complaint about you personally. This occurs either when you are unable to resolve one of their issues or when you refuse to accomodate one of their demands (and they are always demands). They often leave unsatisfied and then come back after they have made their report and expect that because they "got you in trouble" that you will now be more willing to cooperate with them (read: give them whatever they want). Often can be defeated by simply refusing again, especially if your superiors backed you up on the first occasion. Other times, the suits can't quite get their heads out of their a**es so tell you to bow to the customer's wishes.

The most annoying part is when, in fact, your management decides to bow to their wishes, and then the customer has the impression that they caught YOU in a lie/misdeed/whatever. If low-level peon cashiers had the authority to make changes in policies or different decisions, we wouldn't need managers! Morons.

Unless of course the cashier was, in fact, lying or whatever. But we're not that kind of people around here ;-)

[kurisu7885]

The Loyal Customer: Demands freebies or discounts, claiming that they are a "loyal customer" or that they "spend a whole lot of money in your store" though you have rarely, if ever, seen them before.

Loyalty, peh. IF they were "loyal" they wouldn't be demanding freebies and be making sure the store makes money.

[GayleShy]

The former employee: This SC favorite line is "I used to work here so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." They have more often than not been fired from the store and will sometimes not even supposed to be in the store, because they have been banned. The banned FE will always look for a new cashier and hope that no one else notices them. The one that hasn't been banned will demand to talk to a supervisor if they don't get their own way, then act as if they were old friends, even if said super could not stand the former employee. They will use the old friends angle until it doesn't suit them anymore, then they will go to the I'm a customer now, and "I used to work her so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." It's a horrible circle.

The employee spouce: This SC is married to someone who works at the store, so of course they know everything about your job, even if you're a cashier, and the spouce is an over night stocker, who's never even worked a register. They will tell you how to even the smallest part of your job in a smug voice, hoping that you will look at them and wonder why in the world they don't work there too, because they are just that good. When really you are looking at them and wondering if you can get away with telling them where to stick it. Not a good plan, because they also happen to be the Terrorist form of SC as well, because they know how they are supposed to be treated.

[sarahj]

The former employee: This SC favorite line is "I used to work here so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." They have more often than not been fired from the store and will sometimes not even supposed to be in the store, because they have been banned. The banned FE will always look for a new cashier and hope that no one else notices them. The one that hasn't been banned will demand to talk to a supervisor if they don't get their own way, then act as if they were old friends, even if said super could not stand the former employee. They will use the old friends angle until it doesn't suit them anymore, then they will go to the I'm a customer now, and "I used to work her so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." It's a horrible circle.

I've had a few customers who "used to work here," thus demanding 'fresh' fries and 'freshly made' burgers, because they "know how it is." Our new system, in which everything is made as it's ordered, gets a "yeah, right," from these people. Argh! Why the %?#@ would I lie to you? I don't tell you "it's made when you order it" to amuse myself!

Here we go:

The Entitled Suggester: Maybe one time they got excellent, above-and-beyond service, and now want it every time. So they were in a fast food place and it was deserted, it took a minute for their order to be prepared so the server told them to take a seat and brought their meals out to them. Now, in a lunch rush, they have a short wait and tell the server, "we'll be sitting over there," pointing across the dining area, "bring it over when it's ready, we'll be waiting." Yeah, sure I will, when 'waitress' becomes part of my job title (read: never).

Once I was serving in the middle of a lunch rush and asked a manager to take a group's food over. "Why'd they sit down?" was the response I got, then when I explained The Entitled Suggester, "let them come back for it." I've actually told people to please wait at the side, it'll be 1-2 minutes (for real, no longer than that), and they've asked me to bring it out, I've told them I'm not allowed to leave my register because it's busy, and they tell me where they're sitting and disappear. :cry: The exception to this is customers who require me to bring their meals over regardless of any waiting time - elderly/disabled people. That's cool. They're actually entitled for real, not just in their minds.

[CSR628]

The ‘Repeater’: ::confused: : Asks a question, gets the answer, asks the same question using different words, gets the same answer, again and again. Ask, answer, and repeat until the only thing accomplished is wasted time.

The ‘Boss’ (God): :devil: Calls and tells you what you are going to do for them. Makes no difference what the policy is or how the software is written. We should be programmers and can override the system and give them what they want NOW.

The ‘I am Special’: Being one of 200 millions cell phone users, these people feel that they deserve special treatment, rewards, credits, free products, and /or service because???
They pay their bill each month,
They have more than one phone on their acct.,
They have used the service for several years,
They forgot to add phone insurance and lost/damaged their phone and need a new one FREE and now.

The ‘IneverGoOverMyMinutes’: :cry: Calls to get credits for valid overage. Say ‘I never go over my minutes’ when we can see they have in the past – many times. They say ‘I can’t understand how this happened’ and we can’t say ‘Because you talked too much and did not pay attention to your usage’. Or ‘I have always had Free Incoming calling’ when they never have had it and their price plan has never stated Free Incoming – yes, it has to state Free Incoming to be a Free Incoming price plan. They still want credit for being stupid.

The ‘IneverReadmyBills’: Calls to question charges that they have been paying for months and even years and just now noticed. Wants credits because they never read the bill and just pay it each month. OK, then just keep paying and stop reading or cancel the service today – but no credit for being stupid.

The “Ass-u-mer”: They assumed they had this or that, used the service, and received extra charges. Never read the bill that states what they have or called to ask. Their friend has that service so they just assumed they did too. They assume if they order a phone after 3 pm that it will be delivered the next day. No, you can’t go to a store and pick up a free phone and then return it when your phone arrives. They assumed that the cell phone worked off of satellites. They assumed that every company has coverage everywhere. They assumed that their cell phone will work anywhere in the world – even at sea or on a remote island. Yes - Canada is an international call from the United State as is Mexico. Yes, please read your contact before signing because you will be held to the policies and it is not someone else’s responsibility to read it to you (especially a Saleman).

The “Tethered”: :cry: They can’t live a minute or a day without their cell phone. They call because they lost or broke their phone and want a replacement now – this minute [We CSRs can all pull a phone out of A** and push it thur the landline to them.] They call because they haven’t paid the bill for months and it is suspended. [ You have to Pay to Play]. They never power cycle [turn off – then on] their phone because they might miss a call. They call because the phone says ‘Service Restricted’ and how dare we restricted their service. After a power cycle it is working again but don’t expect a thank you – more likely we get a ‘hang up’. Their phone is their business and -no -they do not have a landline as a backup. Big mistake, people.

[ToasterQueen]

The Crazy Accent Guy - The one who calls you screaming for parts and a lower price and an expedited ship date three hundred words per minute in the most incomprehensible accent you can fathom.

[myswtghst]

My own addition:

The Bad Reception Dude: This guy calls in, and swears the call will be quick. He usually prefaces it by saying that he's driving, so he can't write anything down, and he may drop the call, but that he HAS to do this now. He then will roll down his window, scream over the interference, and generally get annoyed when you ask him to repeat everything he says, as if it if your fault he decided to call from the road.

The Screamer: Begins the conversation screaming & doesn't quit until transferred to a supervisor because frankly, you don't earn enough to endure that kind of attitude.

An addendum to this:

The "It's No Good If It Comes Out of Your Mouth" Screamer: The caller who calls in already riled, uses every last drop of your patience as you walk them through it multiple times, states "Obviously you can't help me so I'll need to speak to your supervisor," only to have the lightbulb go on when the sup tells them the same thing you've been telling them for 10 minutes, in exactly the same words. :deadhorse:

The Stand-Up Comedian: The customer who busts out with a product/sale/store/industry-related wisecrack that you hear at least once an hour. They are usually mildly offended when you don't laugh hysterically. Example: "Would you like to pay those late fees today?" "Well, I wouldn't like to!" They think they are very witty and original. It is vital that you leave this delusion intact, lest the firm, icy grip of reality crush their fragile spirit.

And this:

The Lottery Guy: In response to "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" at the end of each call, heasks the most over-used "joke" in our call center: "How bout those winning lottery numbers?" One variation on this is "How bout a hundred/thousand/million dollars in a box?" Because if I had either, I would obviously still be working here. :rolleyes:

Oh, and one more.......


Personal Emergency

Unless you work in some sort of emergency service like I have the misfortune of doing you may have never encountered this wonderful speciman. They'll typically call in the middle of the night with some utterly insignificant problem. They will insist that you get a hold of a property manager, technician, security guard etc for their problem.

Again, keeping in mind that I do dispatch for 911 centers, Police, Fire, etc...

The "I Want It Done Tonight": The person who is fully aware that there is only one on call tech in their area that night, that all repair facilities are closed down for the evening, and still wants to have someone come look at his/her sticky mouse/foot pedal/other minute problem TONIGHT.

And finally:


Mr./Ms. Non-Sequiter

These are the SC's who answer yes or no questions with a lengthy story that has little if anything to do with what their issue is, then get mad when you can't help them just by using your psychic powers. They will volunteer everything down to their underwear size EXCEPT what you actually asked them for. :rolleyes:

I get the opposite, quite often--people who answer a "This or That" question with yes. Ok, but which one, this or that?


There are more, but my brain is too fried from the $hit I've dealt with today to process them right now. :no:

[MMATM]

The eBayer: Waits and waits and waits on the release date of some new product (usually video game related, especially consoles) buys the product, then promptly goes on eBay and posts the product for an absurdly inflated price, expecting that nobody will notice the 300% markup even though the price of the product has been saturating the market's advertising slots for months. Best ignored.

The Dodger: Will ask for something (e.g. a turkey sandwich at a sandwich shop) that turns out to be unavailable (e.g. out of sliced turkey). By the time the employee discovers the problem, the customer will have disappeared from sight. When the customer returns (from the bathroom, from window-shopping at another store, from their car, from wherever) they will proceed to bitch and moan at the employee for not having their order. When told that there is no more of whatever they ordered, they will either bitch about "Why didn't you tell me? I know I was in the bathroom why didn't you come and knock and ask me if I'd like something else?" or whine and complain until the employee magically produces the desired order out of their ass. As this rarely happens, they usually resort to transforming into an Etiquette Nazi or a Terrorist in the hopes that they will get freebies. Never promise these people anything, even by saying "ok" to their order, or you will be cast into SC Hell.

[Dips]

The Fiddler: This SC will call for tech support and repeatedly declare he is "computer illiterate." However, he will keep insisting on fiddling with stuff while on the phone with you instead of waiting for your instructions. This often results in creating an even bigger problem which you have no idea how to fix because the Fiddler will immediately forget what he just did ("I don't know. I just clicked something and it stopped working. What do I do now?") and, therefore you won't be able to help him undo it. Since you are pausing for a moment trying to figure out how best to untangle the mess he just made, he will become impatient and do some MORE fiddling and f*** things up beyond all hope of repair.

Of course, this will be YOUR fault. :(

[ArenaBoy]

The Grunter: Speaks in monosyllabic phrases, can range from a young person to an old person. Prominent in old men. For example, run through standard greeting, only to hear with "ITEM!"

[techsupptodd]

The Fiddler: This SC will call for tech support and repeatedly declare he is "computer illiterate." However, he will keep insisting on fiddling with stuff while on the phone with you instead of waiting for your instructions. This often results in creating an even bigger problem which you have no idea how to fix because the Fiddler will immediately forget what he just did ("I don't know. I just clicked something and it stopped working. What do I do now?") and, therefore you won't be able to help him undo it. Since you are pausing for a moment trying to figure out how best to untangle the mess he just made, he will become impatient and do some MORE fiddling and f*** things up beyond all hope of repair.

Of course, this will be YOUR fault. :(

Ok I really hate The Fiddler but my personal favorite one is The Cell Phone Caller. They call in to tech support becasue teh program is not working and they are on their cell phone...in their car...2 hours away from a computer that has the program or is netowrked to the server with program. They are calling in now because you might magically know what is wrong with the program when They cannot tell you what the error says or why they think it is wrong.

[Dips]

The Thinker: This SC has his own ideas of what your job is, what your company's business model is and what your policies are. The Thinker is not interested in actual facts. The facts must bend to what he thinks they ought to be. If you don't bend the facts to his way of thinking, he will employ the Long Pause (see: SC Weapons), perhaps combined with the Expectant Stare, to try to make you do what he wants.

Lines which will come out of The Thinker's mouth are:

"I thought I could return this without a receipt."

"I thought you were open."

"I thought it was free."

"I didn't think I needed ID."

Closely related to The Thinker are The Unknowing ("I didn't know it had to be in the original box before you could take it back" [therefore you have to take it back]) and The Unseeing ("Well, I didn't see the warning sign/your car/the red light" [therefore the accident is not my fault]).

[Professional Serf]

The Cell Phone Symbiont: She'll flag you down, clearly in a huff that you've dared to come between her and her daemon familiar, she'll then deign to tell you what she's looking for...eye contact is out of the question though, you're the servant! She'll then dismiss you with a flick of her hand only to reappear moments later, clearly in a huff, when she realizes she can't lift said item with one hand.

[Lyger]

The Artful Dodger - Usually found on tech support lines. When asked a question, he may start off with what sounds like an intelligent answer... and will then quickly putter off into something else, like stories about his mom with Alzheimer's that he suddenly remembered by talking about the amount of memory his computer has... will often need to be told to get back on topic, which may end up with the Artful Dodger yelling at you for being rude.

The One-Trick Pony - "Customer" who simply will not give up trying to scam the store or get the employees fired... using the exact same tactic every time he does so. No matter how many times his scheme is defeated, he will get right back up and try it again, almost as if he enjoys it. One-Trick Pony may or may not go away if banned from the store.

The Preacher - SC who is quick to call down divine retribution and the wrath of a vengeful God for a CSA that refuses to meet his inane demands.

The Hormone - Young male teenager who is obnoxious simply for the sake of being obnoxious. Probably has watched a few too many episodes of Punk'd or Jackass, and somehow wants the subject of his jeers to find humor in it, too. (You have to experience far too many of these when you work near a high school...)

[Professional Serf]

The Bluetooth Tourettesian: This animated fellow wanders up and down the aisles waving his arms about while screaming obscenities for reasons only he knows. Expect questions posed by this gem to be continually interupted by... "WHAT?!?", and, "HOW THE F*#K AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?", and, "WHY THE F*#K DIDN'T YOU COME DOWN HERE YOURSELF?!?"

[Professional Serf]

The Hygienically Challenged: These people believe that bathing is a once a month...if not once a year...hassle. They further believe that the use of deodorant, toothpaste, douche, soap...and even toilet paper sometimes...is completely unnecessary because if enough cologne or perfume is applied, it will completely mask their odor.

[Format C]

The "Won't read the badge customer"

This type will ask you "Do you work here?" even if you are in full uniform and are wearing a badge. As a vendor rep, I wear a badge that doesn't have the store name on it and customers still ask me that question.

[Format C]

The "Brain Transplant" customer:

This type is the one that trades what they have left in brain cells for issues of Consumer Reports. They won't buy a certain because "Consumer Reports said not to."

[Dreamstalker]

Blinded by the Sales Rack Guy: This guy comes in needing a case for his phone, and tries vainly to force his new, current-model phone into a case that is clearanced at $2 because we don't make that phone anymore. Heaven forbid you buy the one that fits for $10!

My dad tends toward this at times (I've tried to break him of the habit, I swear)...the only line of logic that seems to work is "If something ends up breaking (i.e. you can force it to fit now, but a week down the road the case will give completely and your Treo goes smashy), it'll cost you probably much more than a new case to fix it."

"But I'm Your Friend!": May be sighted in arenas other than computers. Usually seen when the maintenance work is expensive. Thinks that you should do it for free "because we're friends, right?". Sorry, that has nothing to do with the fact that you asked me to do work, I did it and I require payment for my time.

The Helper: Think they know what's wrong with their computer (OK, if you know what's wrong why did you call me then), but really has no clue. Suggestions/actions from them range from mildly-dumb-but-fixable to outright dangerous.

The Grave Robber (kudos to Lyger for the title): Thinks you should be jumping with joy for the opportunity to try to bring their POS back from the dead for the fourth time. I may have a mild reputation as a miracle worker, but there are some things that just cannot be saved after a certain point. I tend to get a bit grumpy when the OS gives me the finger yet again after it seems like everything's fixed.

[PW_Elle]

The Jedi Mind-Trickster: "You see, it is perfectly unacceptable that this can't get done today. You need to help me because... [insert lame excuse here]"

The Friendly Complainer: Perfectly nice to you the entire conversation, laughs and jokes with you, but slips in complaints every few sentences.

Hurricane Katrina: Comes in, whirls around the store, hastily grabbing things off shelves. Knocks other things over in the process, flies through the checkout line. When Katrina leaves, it looks like a disaster area in your store.

[Lyger]

(unnamed as of yet): Thinks you should be jumping with joy for the opportunity to try to bring their POS back from the dead for the fourth time.

I would like to suggest The Grave Robber or Dr. Frankenstein.

[Dreamstalker]

Grave Robber it is. Thanks for the suggestion :)

[Lyger]

You're welcome. :)

Mr. No-Friends: The type that hangs out in a electronics store, often in the video games section, who will love to waste the employees time by chatting with them about their latest technological craze, almost to the point of a cultist trying to convert a non-believer. Will attach himself, amoeba-like, to any employee who gives him some kind of verbal response, even if it's just to offer a passing opinion.

The Barnum: So-called because of the infamous quote by P.T. Barnum: "There's a sucker born every minute." Attempts to act like they know what they want, when in reality, can be talked into just about anything. Wouldn't be such a problem if this meant that they could decide after seeing more than one option...

[Jester]

The Barnum: So-called because of the infamous quote by P.T. Barnum: "There's a sucker born every minute."

Personally, I think this should be called "Barnum's Proof." Just saying. :wave:

[ArenaBoy]

The VIP: Found in 3 different types.

The Young VIP: Tends to be 18-25 years old, is most likely in college or has just finished college. Often treats any worker like garbage regardless of age. If male; he is most likely to sport the following: A button-down striped shirt that is most likely untucked, pre-ripped or pre-faded jeans, and plenty of gel in the hair with a little flair up front. If it is winter they will most likely be wearing a North Face jacket.
If female; likely to be very attractive but will have the intelligence of a snail. Usually wears a very short skirt with a top that leaves little for the imagination. Will most likely wear that in the winter also.

99% of them have a superiority complex and will go out of their way to try and make you feel like crap often leaving you to scoff at them.

The Pre-Middle Age VIP: 25-40 years old, very annoying and a pain the ass. The late 20s to 30s spectrum lose some of the qualities of the Young VIP but retain some aspects such as the striped shirt but substitiute the jeans with khakis and will still be wearing the North Face jacket and will not go as overboard with the hair gel. The female version will dress a little more conservatively than her younger counterpart and will still have all the idiot qualities. The male version tends to refer to you as boss, champ, buddy, pal, and guy. If the male and female marry, they will most likely have two kids who are 1 or 2 years apart in age.

The Middle Age/Elder VIP: 40-whenever years old, not as annoying as the Pre-Middle Age but is a shadow of it. The Middle Age spectrum refuses to acknowledge that he is getting older and still tries to show that he's still got it. Instead of a striped shirt, he will be wearing a sweater with a long black trench coat with khakis, his female counterpart dresses more conservatively and most often their kids will either be late teens or college grads. They will still think that they are better than you but some may show remorse for what they did when they were younger.
The Elder VIPS are 2nd worst behind the Young VIPs, the Elders refuse to acknowledge your presence and will not say a word to you. Promenient in the male, if the male chooses to admit your presence he usually speaks in one word sentences that often range from grunts to one word shouts. The female version will either be a complete hag, realizing that she isn't as attractive as she used to be, or will be an absolute angel.

[ginlyn32]

The Non-parent with Screaming child/ren: This non-parent enters store with either no intention of buying anything or they buy one thing and then let their screaming children run all over the store playing with all the toys. Sometimes they even want their kids to climb on all the beds and bounce on the mattress.

Parent with a Stinky: This parent has a baby or small toddler with a VERY stinky diaper/pullup but will not stop their all-important shopping of bed linens to go and change said child. Even if store employees and other customers' eyes are watering and are gagging from the stench. It is often nessecary to spray with air freshenor after SC leaves. You often wonder if their nose works!

ginlyn32

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The Finicky Furniture F***tard:

For some reason, these SCs gravitate to my store. They demand that their furniture items be delivered to them in absolutely pristine packaging.

If there is even one surface scratch on the cardboard box that doesn't go through to the product, or one corner of the box is pushed in a bit, they will act as if you have just handed them a jar of warm sinus discharge, and demand you take it away and get them another item.

They are not to be confused with those people who refuse an item because the box is all torn to shit and there is visible damage on the parts. I make a point of not trying to unload those items, and will tear apart an entire stack of furniture to get a presentable one if need be. I am speaking of those idiots who think one tiny dent or scratch on the box means their item is obviously defective.

[yahurd]

The Paris Hilton: the person who calls the store, rattles off a list of things she wants, and instructs us to have it all up and bagged at the service desk so she can come in and pay for it later. Basically she expects us to be her personal shoppers (I just call them Paris Hiltons because Paris seems like the kind of VIP who can have a personal shopper)

id have called them Paris Hilton's cause it seems like something she would do

[azziz]

I've been working in a callcenter industry for 2 years now and this is what I got:

Dumb,dumber,dumerer - guests who don't read the manual and calls tech support asking for assistance on how to get connected. Even though the manual is infront of them.....

The "kiss my arse goodbye" type - people who doesn't understand on why they can't get a connection and goes out srcreeming,saying things you don't like to hear(like s***s and stuff) then they will tell you to go to hell and slam the phone at you....

[Tieber]

The Time Traveler: this individual will order his meal, then 15 minutes later to rest of us non-time travelers he states that his meal has taken 45 minutes and that he is getting impatient.

The Investor: In the store which I currently work at these customers are everywhere. According to the other employees who have worked elsewhere in the state/country these people are by far more plentiful at my location than anywhere else. These people will spend a little bit of money then expect everything after that for free. The investor will buy 2 laptops and a plasma TV then bring in a computer he got years ago from an online source and expect us to format his hard drive for him... when he is told that it is $60 he slams his pos laptop shut, gives the associate a tongue lashing for not know how important he is then stomps off.

The Newbie: Buys a $300 POS generic computer, refuses in-home setup/training (for a fee of course) then expects an associate to walk him through using his POS product for free while waving the threat of return over everyone's head. Once the return is complete he will then proceed to tell the associates how he will tell everyone not to shop at ****** *****.

The Politician: Will state that policies have changed since his last visit and he should be allowed to have those old policies (which never existed) grandfathered to him.

[SadisticToaster]

The Time Traveler: this individual will order his meal, then 15 minutes later to rest of us non-time travelers he states that his meal has taken 45 minutes and that he is getting impatient.


Ah yes , I have . . . experienced one of these : who complained rather louldly that she'd been waiting to be served for over 20 minutes. I asked her if she was sure it had been that long - as that was a long time to wait to be served : she confirmed that this was the case : at which point I pointed out to her that the store had been open for less then 10 minures.


The Mumbler : The person who can - seemingly - only communicate via semi-audible mumbles.

"Hey , how can I help"
"mumble , mumble , mumble"
"I'm sorry . . . ?"
"mumble , mumble , mumble"
"Didn't quite catch that"
"mumble , mumble , . . . rettes"
"Ah ha : cigarettes : which kind would you like?"
"mumble , mumble , mumble"
*sigh* , "Ok stamp your foot once for a pack of 10 , or twice for a pack of 20" ( well , almost )

[xx-altair-xx]

Mr/Mrs. "Cant take a subtle hint to get the fark out": nuff said!

The Ditcher: Walks to your line with a cart of groceries, LEAVES IT THERE! then walks off to continue shoping.

*EDIT - Unnecessarily rude comment removed.

The Coupon Nazi: EVERY COUPON MUST WORK (OR ELSE!) "but [insert title here], every item has been couponed! (exageration, but you get the idea)"

The Bag Nazi: everything HAS to be in a bag. oh, and MILK JUGS HAVE HANDLES FOR A REASON! :rant:

[Estil]

Some more colorful vocabulary (as a grocery cashier, and in the first two cases, we have a ELMS score that we're rated on and the first two kinds of customers do hurt that score, even though it's in no way our fault):

Change diggers: People who spend several minutes digging through and counting up their change (and probably causing the others in line to wait even longer), and THEN decide to just give you a $20.

Check crawlers: People who veeeeerrrrryyyyyy slooooooowlyyyyyy write their checks (we have check printing service)

Price vultures: People who pay really close attention to what's being rung up, says about every other item, "I thought that was supposed to be such-and-such". Which most of the time that happens, it turns out they either picked out a brand/quanity that's clearly NOT on sale or just assumed everything under a huge yellow sale tag was that price.

[DannyboyO1]

Drama Major: Whatever the situation, whatever minor glitch has come up, this customer insists on describing it the way movie trailers pretend the latest drivel is the end-all be-all. Typically resentful when their ranting is interrupted when you tell them you fixed the problem about three paragraphs into their epic story of struggling with your company.

Wrong number fetish: This eternal favorite of a call center is quickly known by ALL the female employees, but hangs up on men. Uses your business as a cheap alternative to phone sex. Generally possesses a mysterious vocal quality that leaves the earpiece and half the cubicle tangibly greasy. These guys are THAT slimy.

Polygraph Unplugged: May be identified by the mating cry of "Are you calling me a liar?" After all, it is vitally important that you be impugning their veracity... and not, say, implying they are forgetful, misinformed, or congenitally unintelligent. I suppose it's alright for you to call them an idiot, just so long as you aren't calling them a liar.

Antonymical: I just had this the once. Elderly lady. After insisting I ring up her items in the order she set them down, was stymied by the payment choice. She held up a card. "Debit, or Credit?" Nonplussed. "If I ring it as Debit, you have to put in your PIN. If I do Credit, you sign." "Debit then." We run it. "Now I do NOT type anything in." Groan. I back out the transaction. "Ok you'll have to run it again now." After signing, she grumbled an unforgettable phrase. "When will you people learn that Debit means Credit." Probably never worked accounting.

[shuzuko]

Aha, I have to admit that I do fall into the category of "The Singer" every once in a while- I'm a vocalist and sometimes cannot keep from humming or singing softly. I'd like to say that it's not too bad, seeing as I've had vocal coaching, but thinking about it now I bet it does get a little annoying. Oh well- at least my boss doesn't mind when I sing along with the radio XD

I Know All There Is To Know: This person either knows exactly what you stock and tells you where it is (when it clearly isn't there), knows exactly when such-and-such product is coming out (when it isn't due out for another few months), or knows everything about everything you stock and attempts to talk over you when you are explaining something to another customer. My boss likes to call security on these people and have them removed for loitering- they quite frequently attempt to stay around for multiple hours without buying or doing anything.

My Opinion Matters: This person will wander around the store, loudly stating their opinion like everyone should care. They often spout incorrect 'facts' and then argue loudly when corrected. The worst of these are the 13 and 14 year olds who are just coming into their sense of self and have a highly inflated ideal of their importance. Almost as bad are the unwashed, pizza-faced geeks who think that they can run the store better than the managers.

I Don't Think I Like It: Frequently pre-teen boys who don't feel like cleaning up after themselves. They pull a product out, look it over for ten seconds, and the toss it wherever they feel like tossing it. Also happens frequently with middle-aged women toting several single-digit-aged children. This of course leaves the low man on the totem pole to clean up after them- I often find Nintendo DS games sitting on the used DVD racks.

Sticky Fingers: Much like The Cat that someone brought up earlier, this customer will touch everything they can get their hands on- except their hands are always covered with some sort of icky, nasty substance that leaves a disgusting residue on everything. It's especially bad when they decide they want to test one of the demo products and the controllers for every single one of our floor systems is then covered in muck.


And this isn't a customer, but certainly someone that annoys me to no end:
The Lazy Employee That Everyone Wants to Kill, But No One Can Figure Out Who It Is: The employee that discreetly puts all new products at the end of the bottom shelf, rather than putting them whatever order they're supposed to be in. We can never figure out who it is, but at least once a week someone has to re-alphabetize every single section because we find everything from Q to M to A at the end of the alphabet.

[Tithera]

The (coffee nazi) : The one, lonely customer or a whole group that get's angry if their (coffee) cups aren't filled, even though another waitress had just came around not even a minute before and had asked whether they wanted more, to which they said, no.

The light tipper: the person who is bossy, usually sits alone in a corner of the resturant that is hard to see, complains the food sucks but eats everything, expects you to wait on them, even though you have 3 other tables to wait as well, then tips you only 50 or 75 cents U.S and leaves a huge mess at the table.

The repeat offender: the person who comes in, sits at the same table, orders the same thing, and complains about the same thing that is wrong with the food, even though they told you to make it like that. OR the person who comes in every saturday and tries to pay with a credit card everytime, even though they are told each time, no we do not take credit cards and gets pissy and takes out an insane amount of ones U.S and expect you to count it.

The spotlessly clean: the person who complains that the dishes and silverware are dirty, even though you personally hand washed them BEFORE they went into the dishwasher. And then complains the table is dirty, even though you just cleaned it, twice before they got there.

The penny ladies: the old ladies who have a ton of dollar bills and other change, but insist that they tip you in pennies, perfectly stacked at the end of the table.

The redoer: the person who keeps changing their mind on what they want, but then they go with what they originally wanted and get pissed if you asked what exactly that was again.

Newbie Hater: They are regulars, but being new, I don't know that, so when I hand them menus and ask what they want to drink, they say, " our regular" then get pissed off when I ask what that is.

Me: I'm sorry, I am new here.
NH: Well, that shouldn't matter. Mark should be able to tell you then.
Me: (mark is the owner by the way) Well, Mark only comes in on weekends (it was my first week day working.)
NH: *sighs angerily and tells me in angered tones exactly what they want) These people eventually became nicer to me once I began recognizing them, but that first day, I did not get tipped very well.

[Shironu-Akaineko]

Desperately seeking a restroom with infantile syndrome: Same as Desperately seeking a restroom but if said restroom is too far to their taste, will grab their crotch and whine as loudly as possible "THAT'S TOO FAR I'LL PISS ON THE FLOOR!" (To which I replied "I'll call a mop boy when you're done, ma'am.")

The diagonal shopper: SCs that likes to stick their baskets diagonally in an aisle while browsing. They will block the entire aisle and are often female and appear to be deaf and blind. They will not see or hear you coming until you bump into them. ON PURPOSE because they didn't hear you scream excuse me ma'am.
(*EDITED to seem a little less general and harsh of the females of the species. ;) ~Ree)

The "return to the nest" shopper: Will dump their cart at a random place and go fetch items from different aisle, coming back to the cart each time. Most often leaves their purse unatended or very small infant babies. Related to the diagonal shopper as they will dump their basket at the most inconvenient place they can find.

The blocking Shopper: Related to the I-haven't-seen-you-since-christmas, these SCs will actually block the entrance to your department to have their little chat and get irritated at YOU for coming and going between them.

The "look the other way": Shops at Flash speed, driving their basket in one direction while looking in the opposite way. Acts surprised when they bump into you. Rare ones blame YOU.

The cake banger: SCs' kids that likes to bang on the cakes because they like the sound. Some even sit on them.

The "Teach you how to steal like an idiot": Gives fruits to hungry kids and pipes up "Oh and they ate an apple each" once at the register. IT DUN WORK THAT WAY LADY!

I apologize if there's any repeats, but this is therapeutic.

[TwoScoopsSciath]

The Temporary Illiterati- Acts like hot you-know-what, then insists they can't read the signs/the menu. Example:

Me: *rings up salad* That'll be $4.50.
TL: But that sign over it said $4.00!
Me: Yes, but as the main menu says, prices are subject to change.
TL: Then when didn't you change the sign, you stupid girl! I'm faculty, you know! I'll report this to the dean!

Way to impress a girl, lady.

Casanova Dynamite- related to previous, but attempts to charm you into breaking company policy or giving them free product. Is thouroughly convinced they are irresistable to even the most chaste of humans. Example:

CD: Heeeey, baby!
Me: Hello, sir! How can help you? (...Ew?)
CD: That polo shirt looks hot on you.
Me: I'd hope so, sir. It's the uniform.
CD: How's about some free food?
Me: Sorry, sir, I can't do that.
CD: C'mon, baby, pleeeease. What's your name/phone #/sign?'

Ad infinitum...

[Shironu-Akaineko]

Casanova Dynamite- related to previous, but attempts to charm you into breaking company policy or giving them free product. Is thouroughly convinced they are irresistable to even the most chaste of humans. Example:

CD: Heeeey, baby!
Me: Hello, sir! How can help you? (...Ew?)
CD: That polo shirt looks hot on you.
Me: I'd hope so, sir. It's the uniform.
CD: How's about some free food?
Me: Sorry, sir, I can't do that.
CD: C'mon, baby, pleeeease. What's your name/phone #/sign?'

Ad infinitum...

Got one of those asking for custom bread recipe just for hiiiiiiiiim with bedroom eyes. Cuz I'm attracted to unbathed beanpoles with wool tuques. :rolleyes:

[Estil]

Forgot this one:

Backloader: A customer who unloads their groceries from the VERY BACK of the long checklane, which means I have to reach really far to get the items and scan them in a reasonable time for my ELMS score. Of course, I can USUALLY ask the customer if they could move their cart closer to the front I can reach in and help them (yes, I do have that good a reach ;) ).

[Strikesfirmly]

Ok, offpaw..

The Restroom Seeker: "May I use your restroom?" Sorry, we don't have a public restroom. "Didn't you used to have public restrooms?" Yes, but they got remodeled to put in the electronics store. "Can I use the employee restroom?" No. And before you ask, that is a boss policy. "Can you make an exception just this once?" Sorry, the employee restroom is only reached through a narrow storage area back behind extra shelving and it is hazardous to get to. Not to mention I just told you I don't make policy here. "It can't be that bad. I'll be careful." Hell, I've been jumped by hostile shelving myself on a fairly frequent basis. Besides, the boss would kill any of us if there was a lawsuit. And I don't think I'd like to work for you anyways if you were awarded the store. "I really need to go." There are restrooms in the store next door. "I can't wait that long!" Funny, how much time did you just spend arguing with me?

The Hostile Restroom Seeker: "May I use your restroom?" Sorry, we don't have a public restroom. "I really need to go. And I am not happy that your store does not have public restrooms for use when people such as myself are in need. Neither I nor any of my family and friends will ever do business here." Yet you managed to walk all the way to the middle of the store in such dire straits. And this also seems to be the first time you've ever been in here, so how are we losing your business if you only came in to use the restroom? And maybe you'd change your mind if you had been cleaning them while they were public...

Ya Know?: *Possible extreme danger of impalement by this SC's fluttering hands used unpredictably while talking.* "I have X maybe connected to Y possibly using Z, somewhat similar to A or Q, but also with that other thing I think is called N. Ya know?" Sorry Sir/Ma'am, I've never been to your home. You're actually going to have to give me some kind of useful information before I can assess what you currently have and make a recommendation to either fix, replace, or add on to A, N, Q, X, Y, or Z. I also notice you haven't said yet what you actually need to do.

I Don't Speak Spanish: "I'm not sure how my new ____ works. Can you tell me how to do everything?" Did you already lose your your manual? I'm surprised every single company in the world hasn't gotten smart and made manuals available only through request. So few people actually read them, just imagine the savings instead of including them with every new item!

How Much Is It?: "How much is Y, which I got from just above/below that yellow & white shelf/hook sticker with the big black numbers?" Heh. "Is it really that price?" Yes. "Would you check?" I'm obligated to do so now that you've asked, and with a smile no less. Did you happen to notice the newfangled barcode scanners, so we don't need to mark every individual item, up to several hundred of them in a single 4 foot section?

The Third Party: "X sent me here for ____, but I'm not sure what he/she/they actually need. Can you help me?" Sob. *Variation* - "Can you read this stained, hastily scrawled, and chewed by rabid flying foxes list of items I've been sent to get? I have no idea what any of it is or needed for, and I'm not sure he/she/they know either." Double sob. *Rare variation* - "Can I use your phone to make sure what they need?" Bless your heart. Let me dial for you. "He/she/they said to get Y, and only Y." Er, we have X which does/is the exact same thing. "No, I'm not sure what it is but I know that won't work. I'll try someplace else." !@#$%^. I hope that wasn't a long distance call.

Not Marked For That!: "The price on shelf tag/item is different. I want the lower price. You have to give it to me. It's your fault that tag didn't get changed, not mine." I'd like the store to make a profit and possibly be able to collect a paycheck for providing you with service, but lets not concern ourselves with that shall we. I need to speed you on your way in your newer Mercedes/SUV/sedan.

I Want The Sale Price Now: "You put out this item that is an upcoming flyer I already got in the mail. Can I get the sale price now?" No, we can't. "I should make you, the law will back me up. Why did you put it out if you weren't going to honor the flyer?" We don't work overtime or after hours here. Believe it or not some people like to see new items and ponder buying them. Furthermore, no one is forcing you to buy X today at full price, instead of a week or month from now on sale, the dates of which appear several times in that flyer you already received. "How about I buy the item, then return it the day the sale starts, and buy it again at the lower price and get my money back?" I think that might possibly be illegal. If not, damn sure unethical and spiteful. If you weren't a regular customer, and I didn't need my wage slave job, I'd really tell you how sick you make me. Wish I owned a business like you do, so I could be cheap.

They Said I Needed To Pay For This Back Here. And I Already Walked All The Way Up Front!: "Why can't I just pay for everything all at once?" This is actually a separate store with our own inventory and bookkeeping. Not to mention that I did try to tell you that as you made your selection and walked away. Right after I got done ringing up three other customers...back here...while you were browsing back here.

I Have To Stand In Line At Another Register?!: "What do you mean you can't deactivate the SensorMatic security strips back here? I'm not going to wait in line up front just to have my purchases deactivated!" Sorry, but we lost over $3,000 last year in shoplifted items even with the security strips and cameras. But if you cared to donate about $4,500 for a mobile deactivator?

The Ping-Ponger: Goes to every employee in the store asking the same questions apparently until they get an answer in tune with their reality or that they can comprehend. Conversations with this type of SC frequently enter realms of fantastic hypothetical situations followed by loud comments of "But your coworker said ___ not ___?!"

The Short-Cutter: "I have X sticking out of Y. How do I hook up Z without using what I should be using or spending anything over -insert absurdly low amount here-" Well, looks like an hour worth of explanations and item hunting followed by a cussing out for the SC having to spend more than he/she/they counted on spending. Sigh. Wonder who the SC will blame if the building inspector catches them? Who the heck built this persons home that bass ackwards anyway?

[MMATM]

I apologize if these particular SC's have been mentioned (perhaps under another name) but I didn't see them upon reading, so here goes:

The Heckler: (Especially applies to entertainment jobs e.g. clown, performer, magician, "character", mascot, etc.) Usually not one of the intended audience (e.g. young kids for a magician or "character"), will converse with the character or other poor sap about inappropriate topics. For example, a heckler will point out how a magic trick is done, usually right about the time the magician is doing the trick. Or, a heckler may try to engage a "character" (person in a suit, like a mascot) in conversation about something that has nothing to do with their character. In rare cases, hecklers will point out that the character is nothing more than a person in a suit. Extreme situations can involve the heckler actively trying to get a rise out of the performer.

The Talker-for-Two: Similar to the Heckler, but instead tries to engage characters and/or mascots in conversation about the character they are playing. Especially annoying with mascots and characters that do not speak. They will ask a question or make a statement, and all the unfortunate character can do is to nod or shake their head, or gesture. This is for the wannabe-hecklers, as it is essentially like hunting harmless animals. The character can try to get away or avoid the T-f-T, but that is their only recourse.

The Tip Lifter: The SC for whom I have the most contempt. These "clever" db's will wait until they see a table get up to go after leaving money for a tip (especially easy on credit card payments, though it is not unheard of for lifters to take an entire cash payment off the table). They then will go to "use the facilities" and cruise past the loaded table, deftly picking the cash up as they go by. A good deterrent for the payers is to place the cash inside the book with the receipt, along with the tip. For eateries that do not feature the book system, leave cash underneath something large-ish on the table, such as a full glass or the salt-and-pepper holder. Make it visible, but not an easy yank away.
ALSO:
The Jar Diver: Variant on the Tip Lifter. These specimens will pretend to leave a tip (usually a one dollar bill) and put their hand in the jar to do so. While they are down there, they will grab as much cash as possible. This sort of thing can also be applied to beggars with cups or cans, especially the blind. See the movie "Half Baked" for a demonstration of jar diving.

[The Distorted Kwi]

Let me toss a few more into the pot... my current job in a tourist destination uses a lot of different types of discount vouchers. Hence...

The Multi-Discount Discounter: This SC comes armed with a handful of discount coupons, all for the same item, and expects you to apply each and every discount. Unable to comphrehend why you can't offer them a 10%, 20%, 30% and student discount on one ticket/item. (My stock response is usually 'If I took all those, I'd owe you money!")

The Failed Mathematician: Stares at his 10% and 30% vouchers. Asks cashier "Which one would be cheaper?"

The Time-Lapse-r: Buys ticket. Pays full price. Takes three steps away from counter. Remembers discount coupon in pocket. Expects huge line to wait while we refund their credit card 2 bucks.

Mr/Ms "Oops": Leaves coupon in hotel room/at home/other pants/a tiny taverna in Barcelona. Still wants the discounted price.

Mr "No Discounts?" Asks standard price. Gets told price. Asks "No discounts?". No, because if the price was discounted, that would be the NEW standard price, which i would have told you. And this conversation would have become a Mobious Strip.

The Bulk Buyer: Places three plastic keyrings on your counter. Asks for a discount because they're buying "a lot" of keyrings. I'm always tempted to take them out to the storeroom and re-define "A lot" of keyrings for them.

[Chroias]

You are so on the money here hun!

[Dips]

The Sexist of Convenience This specimen is doubtful that my female self will be able to help him or her and asks to talk to a man. However, when the Sexist of Convenience finds out that said man is busy and there will be a wait to speak with him, my ability to help with the problem magically increases. ;)

[felixxkatt]

The "Yesterday" Scammer: the woman or man who insists that "I was JUST HERE YESTERDAY and my gift card (from the competitor's chain) worked here then!" or that "YESTERDAY you had this product (which you have not carried in the 3 years you've worked here)!"

closely related to The "Other Girl" Scammer: who insists that "The Other Girl" always makes the drink (which we don't even have the ingredients for) or that the "Other Girl" lets me pay with the gift card (that is for the competitors chain!) or that the "Other Girl" told me i could get it cheaper!

[felixxkatt]

The Entitled Suggester: Maybe one time they got excellent, above-and-beyond service, and now want it every time. So they were in a fast food place and it was deserted, it took a minute for their order to be prepared so the server told them to take a seat and brought their meals out to them. Now, in a lunch rush, they have a short wait and tell the server, "we'll be sitting over there," pointing across the dining area, "bring it over when it's ready, we'll be waiting." Yeah, sure I will, when 'waitress' becomes part of my job title (read: never).



What sucks is that these asshats ruin it for other people. i seriously hesitate to be extra nice to anyone these days because so many of the customers come back when you are swamped and expect you to do the same extra special thing for them again! can't you understand that i went out of my way because i was being nice, not because you are ENTITLED to it? just because ONCE i ran your sandwich out to you or gave you a free sample of something doesn't mean that every time you come in i can do it again! it's because of these people i only do the bare minimum required of me most of the time, adn i hate it.

[MoonChild2007]

The Old Timer- The customers who think just because they have been here for a long time that automatically means we shouldn't follow the rules.

The "are you open?" customer- No need to explain myself

[Lyger]

Achy Breaky Heart - Will yell at you for taking a break while you are on said break, thereby wasting the energy they could've used to go find someone else who is working and could help them.

Not-so-Secret Desire - Said SC has some kind of bizarre sexual turn-on. This is not a problem and is entirely their own business. However, they seem to have the uncanny desire to make it everyone else's business... thereby driving away not just other customers, but any human with an IQ over 60.

Mr. Roboto - Seems utterly convinced that your job position should no longer exist because of the way computers run everything these days.

[CancelMyService]

Some SC's that I encounter working for a large cable company:


The Rural Ranter - Cold fact of business and life in general is that companies are going to spend more money in cities than in the countryside. That doesn't make it my fault that you have less service available in your area than someone that lives in the big city. I'm not forcing you to live out in the sticks, pal. Consider having fewer HD channels your tradeoff for cleaner air and less traffic.

The Outraged Deadbeat - There's a mathematical ratio in the cable business stating that there's a direct ratio between the amount someone's past due and how angry and indignant they are. I don't know how many times people call in just incensed and in full HOW-DARE-YOU mode because they were 3+ months past due and their service is shut off. They also tend to make sure you know they're going to go to the dish also. You already got disconnected, no skin of my nose. Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya, says I.

Mr/Ms "I'm gonna do it!!" - Sometimes related to the above group, these folks react to anything they don't like with "if you don't do *insert unreasonable request* I'm gonna go TO THA DISH~!" in a tone dripping with expectation of me going into a Stepin Fetchit routine to save them as a customer. Usually by the time that card gets played, they've annoyed me so much I fight the urge to transfer the call right to DirecTV. Let them enjoy the experience of your wonderful personality.

The Good Old Day'ers - My company took over a smaller competitor recently. They served a lot of smaller, usually rural towns and didn't offer as many services as we do. I guess they expected to magically get everything folks already with my company have without any pesky things like massive plant upgrades. The work needed to fix the cluster-f this place left us means sometimes service is briefly interrupted. Sucks, but we have to do it to drag them out of the stone age the other place left them. Doesn't mean I don't hear 10x a day "we didn't have these problems till you guys took over". Of course not, your former company didn't do any upgrades since the Carter Administration.

[Professional Serf]

The Topless Man: These gems can't be bothered with putting on a shirt either because their massive blubbery girth is impossible to contain in one thin piece of fabric, or because their scrawny sunken chests are actually cut...and we just don't know it.

[Sadie]

The Wrong Department Questioner/Employees should know All Customer - A person who will go up to any employee and ask a department specific question that has nothing to do with their department.

Example: You work in the kitchen appliances department. Customer "does this lamp come in any other colors?"

[Estil]

The Lotto Addict: Customer who blows all their money on stratch off lottery tickets and very seldom buys anything else (we're a grocery store, not a convience store just so everyone knows). We have one in our store, and he's not all that friendly either. :P

[Professional Serf]

The Restroom Reconnoiterer: There simply isn't any place better in this gems eyes to find an associate than right in front of the bathroom. Being walked to a two dollar brass nipple in an aisle clearly marked "Pipes and Fittings" is far more important than you crapping your pants, thank you very much!

[laurenjeannie]

The Wet One- A small child who's mom insists she is potty trained and refuses to put her in pull-ups when she comes in. The same child wets her pants ever half hour on numerous occasions, going through her two spare sets of pants. Mom gets pissed when she picks up child wearing a diaper and no pants.

The Worrier- The parent of a child between the ages of 4 and 9 who has no attachment issues that still calls every 15 minutes 'just to check'.


The Divorcee- The mom who goes to her therapist while leaving her child with us, and then returns red eyed and weepy. With no encouragement she proceeds to tell you about her messy divorce and shit talk her ex, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.

The Perfect Mom- Feels a need to assure you that she's NEVER left her child with anyone outside of the family, that she will not be using childcare again, this is a one time thing. You then see her at least one day a week with a new excuse.

Lustful Daddy- The dad who hits on you as you are holding his child, telling you how he'd like to see you in private...after hours...to play doctor.

"But he's mature for his age!"- The mom who insists that her 10 month old is mature for his age, and tries to force you to take him for a few hours. (Our minimum age is 18 months) *Bonus points when the 8 year old sibling is volunteered as 'help'.

The Punisher- A parent who fully expects their child to misbehave and discusses possible punishment options with you, including but not limited to; whippings, spankings, beatings, butt warmers, slaps, and smacks. (These really creep me out, I don't believe in spanking for any reason. I won't hesitate to report to CPS if I see bruises.)

Stay tuned for the party personalities....

[Brynhild]

The repeat offender: the person who comes in, sits at the same table, orders the same thing, and complains about the same thing that is wrong with the food, even though they told you to make it like that.

There's a guy who comes in once a month to pick up an order from our store. Every single time he says there's something wrong with his order, or he tries to scam for freebies. The first time I saw him he was like "But I'm supposed to get a discount!" Because it was 3rd shift and there's no manager on duty and I was new, I let him intimidate me into giving him the discount, only to find out in the morning from the manager that the discount had already been applied and the guy had lied to me. Other times he's come in he's tried to get free stuff, like saying "Can I have (a $5 item) and then pay for it next time?" and, seriously, every time he comes in he says there's something wrong with the order. My favorite line of his, "I get the same thing every month, why can't you people ever get it right?" He doesn't get the same thing; it's different every time. I know, 'cause I'm the one who sold it to him every time he came in.

Newbie Hater: They are regulars, but being new, I don't know that, so when I hand them menus and ask what they want to drink, they say, " our regular" then get pissed off when I ask what that is.

I had one of those once, though I'd been at the job for over eight months. This guy walks in, never saw him before in my life, and he's all, "I'm here for my regular." Of course, I have no clue what that is, and he's all like, "But I come in here all the time! Don't you recognize me?" *grumble*

[Brynhild]

I work both at a drive-thru and as a cashier at a grocery right now, so I get a variety of SC's. Here's a few I didn't see posted yet:

The Eaters - Kin of the Grazers, these are the customers at the grocery who can't wait until they've paid for a product to open it and start eating it. Will often wander the store eating out of a box or potato chip bag and wind up paying for just the wrapper. Sometimes morphs into the more despised version of the wander and dropper, where they hide the wrapper evidence behind stacks of toilet paper or a wall of tampons, only to be found later. Bonus points if they wait until their order it on the belt to be rung up, and then open the item before it can be scanned and eat while you're scanning their other items. Double bonus points if they scatter crumbs (or, what happened in my line the other night: nuts) on the floor where they're standing.

The Newbie-Hunters - those customers who see the sticker on your nametag that says that you're still a trainee and new, and they make a bee-line to you and want you to answer a dozen questions about store policy and where items are located. My favorite question so far: "What's the difference between Bennadryl and Bennadryl-D?" I'm being trained as a cashier, and I've only been here two weeks, lady. How the hell would I know?

The Price-checkers - those who want either one item or their entire twenty-item rung up just so they can see how much it totals, and then decide not to buy something, and I can't void anything that costs more that $5.00 without a manager's key.

The We-have-a-sign-for-a-reason-ers - Those who pull up to a drive-thru and ask what kind of ____ we have, even though there's a sign out there listing all the varieties. For example, asking what kind of donuts a place sells when they sell over thirty different kinds and it takes several lungfuls of air to list them. Bonus points if all the SC really wanted was one flavor, and they cut you off in the middle of your list.

The I'm-not-listening SCs - They assume they know what you're going to say, so they answer without listening to what you actually said. Happens every night when I work drive-thru, I'll say "Is that going to be all for you?" and they'll say "No." and then I'll wait and they'll say nothing, and then I'll ask, "So, what else did you want?" to which they'll reply, "No, that's it." A few times I changed it and said, "Would you like anything else?" to which they tended to say, "Yes, that'll be all." *sigh*

The Spontaneous Dancers - A rare breed, and usually an older married couple, but still annoying. They tend to show up in the middle of a long line, and while waiting decide to spontaneously start dancing with each other to the Muzak that's played over the speakers. Other customers may think that's charming, but I've already had to listen to that sucky song every night I work, and seeing people dance to it makes me want to hurl.

The One-brand-in-a-million-smoker - Gives an abbreviated description of the kind of cigs they smoke, and then either gets upset when you bring back the wrong brand even though it matches the general description, or gets pissed when you ask them to come over and point them out. (For example, someone asked for "Turkish Delights" and didn't say they were a Camel brand, and so I spent several minutes searching for them until the customer stormed over and pointed me towards the right one.) I don't smoke and the cig display is several registers away, and I have to lock my till and walk over, search for the right pack, and then walk back. Bonus points if you can't figure out which one they want, and when you ask them to point it out, they point in the general direction and say "It's right there!" and you have to impersonate Vanna White as you point to each pack to see if that's the one they're pointing at.

The wanna-be-psychiatrist - If you don't appear to be bubbly and perky, they will accuse you of being in a bad mood and then ask you questions and want to know all about what's wrong. No matter what you say, they will respond with some off-hand remark "Things will get better!" or some fake empathy "I work long hours in a restaurant, so I know what it's like for you, even though you only work three nights max in a grocery because your managers won't schedule you for any more hours and you're barely making ends meet as it is!" *grumbles* These SCs only ever make a mood worse.

The Can't-deciders - Someone who takes ten minutes to order at a drive-thru. "Yes, I'll take this......... and this...... and those....... and a few of that...... and..... um....... hmmmm..... some of those too." "Will that be all?" "No. I'll also take some of these..... and a few of those..... and..... um....... (etc.)" So that by the time they've finished their order, you can't remember what the first few items were.

[rerant]

The I-Can-Never-Find-Anything person: They spend their entire life in the store, do all their shopping, then get to cash fuming that they can never find what they're looking for in your store. As if you had been the one to draw up the blueprints.

The Can't-Someone-Else-Do-It? person: They never want to do their own shopping, and instead want a member of staff to meander about the store with a list, picking up all of their items for them. That or they will ask someone in a department where they could find a certain item, and if the employee simply points them in the proper direction they'll expect that instead, the employee retrieve the item for them, regardless as to whether or not they're busy helping someone else.
This person is very much like the Paris Hilton, only they fist made the effort to come into the store.

This one is Ikea specific but, The Display Model Ninja: No matter the size of the item they will always bring you the display, despite the fact that said display has a giant plastic tag affixed to it. On furniture items the tag will indicate which aisle and bin the item is located in, but the Display Model Ninja will never retreive the item themselves. On dishes and accessories their answer is always the same. Either: "I didn't see the 2"x7" plastic tag," or, "It was the last one," even though you know for certain that there are dozens more on the shelf.

[Lyger]

The Last-Ditch Effort: Once disciplinary action has been taken or is about to be taken against this particular SC, such as being banned from a store or having services shut off, they will immediately apologize profusely and protest about how they're really truly sorry and didn't mean it and they were only kidding, even going to the point of tears about how they really need this service so please please please PLEASE, let them stay, trying to guilt their way into staying.

The Fashion Critic: In areas with particularly lax dress code settings that don't require uniforms, these SCs feel the need to either tell you how tacky your clothing ensemble is if they're young, or how you should be ashamed of yourself for dressing like that if they're old.

The Exception: The ultra left-wing, non-conformist liberal type who protests against any form of organized corporations on his planet, and feels the need to do so right within a place of that corporation, taking his anger out on the front line of the business: the retail workers.

The Laugh Track: This SC, who may or may not even be mean to the retail workers, has the world's loudest and most obnoxious laugh that could even be heard OUTSIDE the store. So bothersome, you may even begin to curse humor.

[Estil]

The Last-Ditch Effort: Once disciplinary action has been taken or is about to be taken against this particular SC, such as being banned from a store or having services shut off, they will immediately apologize profusely and protest about how they're really truly sorry and didn't mean it and they were only kidding, even going to the point of tears about how they really need this service so please please please PLEASE, let them stay, trying to guilt their way into staying.

Are you sure this individual is really only sorry that they got caught?:p

[Tithera]

The Sexist of Convenience This specimen is doubtful that my female self will be able to help him or her and asks to talk to a man. However, when the Sexist of Convenience finds out that said man is busy and there will be a wait to speak with him, my ability to help with the problem magically increases. ;)

I've had a couple of those come in before. It is quite funny when he asks if there are any male waiters and I inform him that no, there are only waitresses in this restuarant and his face turns a nice shade of red.

The Country Clubers: The people who come in laughing that generic ha ha ha laugh like the rich people in cartoons, sit at table clearly not cleaned off yet, complain about it not being cleaned (even though it was clearly not ready for people ex. dishes still on it, tip still there, washrag on the edge of the table)then reluctantly get up and take another table. Then, complain about their food not being prepared the way they wanted it(even though they don't tell you just how they want it). YOu take it back, and they still don't like it,but except it anyway and eat it all. They try to pay with credit cards, even though we don't have a credit card machine (small town, old fashioned store, c'mon man!) then shell out a $50 for a $15 meal, then ask directions to the nearest country club because they're from way out of town, then proceed to brag about how much money they have as they leave. And, much to my surprise, look! There's no tip! Thank you and I hope you all die going over the overpass on your way out!

[DesignFox]

I thought of this the other day...

The Mommy Mall Rat: Much like teenagers, these moms hang around the mall all day, the same day, every week. They often have multiple young. Usually one in a stroller, the other around 2 or 3 years of age. They always come in pairs. They hang around, let their kids play with everything and anything, talk and block the aisles with their aircraft carrier strollers. Of course, their hellspawn wreck the store, but the mommy mall rat can't be bothered with the trivial task of picking up after them. These specimens never spend a penny in your store, yet will insist upon what great customers they have always been. After hanging around for some absorbitant length of time, they will finally leave and terrorize another vendor.

:p

[raven_illusion]

Please Do My Homework for Me: Calls in around Mid-terms and finals seeking tutorials on how to do something. Come to find out that they want you to complete their project for them. "Yea, I need to edit this video and cut it down to 3.5 minutes or I fail my class."

But Classes start tomorrow: Calls in the day before classes start with a PC that has been down all summer, when you give them the date for the part replacement they whine endlessly over the fact that they need the computer working for the start of classes the next day.

What save button?: Another SC that calls in around mid-terms or finals. Has spent the past 4 hours typing up there report and never bothered to hit save. Now the system locks up and they are S.O.L. (Auto-recovery is never on) Bonus Points to those who ask for a supervisor and complain about the lousy service you provided.

[Dips]

brag about how much money they have as they leave. And, much to my surprise, look! There's no tip!

That reminds me of this customer:

The Big-Money-Haver:

Big-Money-Havers spend a lot of time and effort letting people know how rich they are and how much money they have. They do this because they are under the impression that the mere having of money will get them better service than other customer who don't have as much money. The Big-Money-Haver doesn't understand that he needs to transform himself into a Big-Money-Spender before he can expect better service. Big-Money-Spenders also tend to be nicer then Big-Money-Havers, which also helps them get better service.

[MinimaMagistra]

Hotel style.


Jedi Mind Trick: "You don't need my identification." Or their phone number, or their credit card information. Cross-referenced under previously mentioned "Conspiracy Theorists"

Somebody messed up and it's YOUR FAULT.: You get this when a third party has given the guest faulty information. Yes, they got the runaround. Yes, this is either not your hotel or you spent an inordinate amount of time finding us. Why are you yelling at me and why am I lumped in with "YOU PEOPLE"?

Ofcoursethere'snotahookerinmycar!: They ask for and paid (less) for a room for one person. And they need to "check" with somebody and request two keys, possibly two beds.

Midnight Scammer: They've been in the room for hours, but only NOW call to complain about something, i.e. smoking when they asked for non, single when they asked for a double, part of the WALL is missing, the room is full of "animals", et cetera. Managers are made to be awakened in the wee hours.

I'm too old and crotchety to make these new fangled card keys work: And they'll come back five or six times to proove it to me. The keys have arrows and picture directions on the back. Don't make me cry...

I am TOO a guest!: Usually either homeless or VERY sketchy locals who try to convince me that they're a guest and I should let them get breakfast. Will to to load up a tray with food while I'm arguing. Sometimes have a friend on the inside so they have a room number and a name, sometimes claim to be from a room we don't even have.

You unlocked the door for me therefore the lobby is mine: Will adjust my music, expect the full breakfast to be laid out at fifteen 'til six (when we open at seven) and sit at a table, watching me, when I won't jump to get out what they demand.

[rerant]

A common one for me...

The Piercing Pervert: He's typically somewhere in the range of 50-112, and whenever he notices your facial piercings, will ask you derrogatory questions like, "How do you kiss your boyfriend with that thing?" or, "Does your boyfriend like that?" or, "How does that feel ;)"

[The Focus of Local Evil]

The Million Dollar Grandma: The older person who has bought the latest and greatest whizz-bang gadgetry... but have no clue how to use it... but does know how to find someone who does. Sometimes, these people are a pleasure to talk to... other times, you feel than age restrictions ("You must not be able to remember a time before electric lights, automobile or English occupation of American soil in order to purchase these devices") would not be out of place...

[PizzaBoy]

The Lottery Guy: In response to "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" at the end of each call, heasks the most over-used "joke" in our call center: "How bout those winning lottery numbers?" One variation on this is "How bout a hundred/thousand/million dollars in a box?" Because if I had either, I would obviously still be working here. :rolleyes:

Exactly! :headdesk: I had a customer like that. He was usually a pain in the @$$ to get the order, then when I finished, I say, "Anything else today?" and he says "the winning lottery tickets" EVERY F**KING TIME!! That joke wasn't funny the first time he said it, and it sure isn't funny the 6,000,000th time he said it. :deadhorse:

Phone Tricksters: Obviously, you only deal with these people if you have a job in which people make orders over the phone. I've gotten a lot of these people at Domino's. First, they call to make an order. I get their address and discover that they are out of the delivery area. I inform them of that and try to find the correct place. If I can't do that, I tell them where to call to find out. After hearing this, the customer will call right back and make the order for the EXACT SAME ADDRESS after I had already told them that we do not deliver there. The reason they do that is in hopes that someone else will answer the phone and agree to deliver there. If they succeed in tricking someone, we just end up calling them back to tell them that we don't deliver there, so they lose either way. :lol: What sucks about that is that it is a way for CSRs to get into trouble.

PITA Customers: In case you don't know, that stands for pain in the ass. These people will make an order, which usually takes a long time since they are indecisive. What sucks is these people usually show up when we are extremely busy and don't have time for BS. After the order is placed, they change their minds. Next, they will look at some other deal and discuss it with their friends (they usually arrive in groups). They do this very loudly, so it's difficult for the employee to do his/her job. Later on, they end up changing the order again because they feel that they can get a better price. Of course, the pizza is already in the oven, but their responses are "I don't mind." Yeah, well we do. WTF are we supposed to do with the extra pizza?

You screwed up last time customers: These people come in, and inform us about how we screwed up their order last time (usually, it was a good long while ago), but are willing to give us another chance. A lot of times, they got the wrong food because their order was unclear. Some of them ask for discounts and some don't. When the food arrives, they open the boxes and check everything they received for mistakes. All the CSRs can do at this point is pray to the God that they are happy.

I have all day customer: These people are extremely slow, indecisive, and their phones are at a very low volume so it's very difficult to hear them. First, they want to know all of the specials. Bonus points if they tell you to slow down because they couldn't understand you. Next, they tell of the specials to their friends. After hearing the specials, the proper thing to do would be to call back when you've decided, but not these people. After wasting your time making you say all of the specials, they don't even use one :headdesk: After finally making the order, you give them the price, then they sound outraged and say "but I have a coupon! How can it be that high?" Apparently, we all have the abilities to see these things over the phone. After that's finally taken care of, you think you are home free, but they have to pay with credit. This would be alright if they didn't give us the number like we are retarded. These orders take around 4-5 minutes when most orders are supposed to be under one.

[Marxfan]

I've worked as a grocery store bagger, a bookseller, and I'm currently working a (hopefully) temporary job in fast food. Here are the variety of SCs I've had to deal with through the years:

The Leech: This customer will ask you for one thing, you cheerfully give it to him/her... and then they decide to make you their personal bitch for the rest of the day. For instance, in my fast food job, someone will come up to me and ask for ketchup packets. I give them what I think is an acceptable amount, but they accuse me of cheating them (yeah, I'm cheating them out of FREE ketchup packets) and demand more. So I give them more. Then they will, out of the blue, ask for sauce for their chicken. I give it to them. Then they ask for a complimentary cup for water, and then, and then, and then....

The Weak-Minded Lemming: During my bookseller days, about 98% of my customers only read books that were either shown on Oprah or The Today Show. I swear to God, these people would never read a book on their own free will. All day long, I hear this dreaded question,

"Uh, I'm looking for this book, I don't know the title or the author, but it was on Oprah..."

What the hell is the matter with you people?! If Oprah or Matt Lauer told you to kill your neighbors, would you do it?? I highly recommend the book 1984 by George Orwell. No, Oprah's never had on her show, but for all that's good and holy, read it anyway!!

The Sally: Named after Meg Ryan's anal retentive character from When Harry Met Sally..., minus the lovable side. These thoughtless bean-counters will gladly hold up lines just to make sure their demands are met, whether it's how their groceries are bagged (paper in plastic, all the perishables in one, all things starting with "M" in a separate bag..."). Or they will run a long list of how they want their meals arranged (onions on the side, no ice in my drink, meat, bun, and sauce fresh, such and such toy for kid's meal). Needless to say, "thank you" isn't part of their vocabulary.

The Discount-Beggers: These are perfectly well-off people who think nothing of asking for random discounts. I kid you not. I once had this one girl ask for some books, and then asked in all seriousness if we "gave discounts". Why, of course, darling, I'll risk my job and this store's financial future and give you 99% discount, 'cause you seem like such a darn nice person who just happens to be cheap!!
You can't afford our books? Cry me a fucking river! Go to a library, morons!

The Panic-Mongerers: These people love, love, LOVE to expect the worst from the lowly retail peons. If one thing on their order is rung up incorrectly, instead of politely pointing it out, they will rant and scream to the MOD about how "they overcharged me! This shouldn't be on here!"
They never assume that it was an honest mistake, they live in this paranoid fantasy where everyone is trying to cheat them. Sounds funny, but I've seen co-workers reduced to tears over this.

The Creepy Guy Looking for a Date: This always happens to me (grumble). I have this magnet in my brain that attracts unstable creeps who want to ask me out, despite the engagement ring on my finger (thank you, and my fiancee is awesome). I once had a minute long conversation with a customer (hey, I'm friendly) and weeks later he called me ,at work ,to ask me out!! I didn't even remember this guy! I could only sputter out that I was engaged and that I couldn't go. Never heard from him again, but I also had this one guy lurking outside my mall bookstore watching me! I had to have mall security walk me to my car! How do these people find me??

The Stereotypical Suburban Mom: They wear their official uniforms of velour tracksuits, white baseball caps, and ponytails. They have a cellphone and car keys in one hand, and a Starbucks cup of coffee in the other. And they think nothing of letting their poorly behaved children run around the store and making God-awful messes. Grrr.

[Rubystars]

Over where I work it's more like this:

SC: I'd like cashback, please.
Me: How much?
SC: £100 please.
Me: Sorry, we only go up to £50.
SC: I got it last week!
Me: Sorry, but our tills only allow up to £50.
SC: Fine, £50 then. *sulks*

We have cashpoints outside, that is the really dumb thing about this. How hard is it to walk outside? I shall name this person the "Cashback Moron" and add them to the list. :lol:

Can't they just split their orders and do one item for £50 cash back, and another order for another £50?

[Tenshi-Hikari]

I got one breed of SCs...

The Loafers - Indecisive, slow, and the only people in the world as far as they are concerned. They take a cart and always, always, manage to not only walk so slow that even my grandmother (with bad knees) would walk faster with her cane(s), but they also manage to block the whole isle by walking in the middle. They pause, they ponder, they evaluate, they take a breather and won't stand aside for anyone, not even for a store employee with a trolley full of heavy goods ready to be shelved. When they do stand aside, they manage to somehow take up at least half of the space before the shelves while they browse, oft from the exact spot your produce is supposed to be.

Very common around here...

[unholypet]

The I-Think-I'm-Intimidating Folk: I have a large golden plated watch, and a silk tie. My hair is a fashionable tousle and my trousers are striped with white. My belts matches my shoes and cuffs, and I'll bet you'll never hear me talk to those beneath my station. Go get your manager, feeble peon! I shan't allow such an unworthy curr to hear my fattening pizza order.

[ParkingWitch]

"I will miss my flight": Drives up very fast, Screams "There's no place to park and my flight leaves in 5 minutes"
Well I'm sorry (In my mind "Maybe next time you could leve early enough to park and go through security and make the flight. They have only been announging for (X amount of time since 9/11) to check in 2 hours early. Oh by the way the plane taxis away from the gate 5 min. before flights at this Airport", (yes I've asked CSR's employees of most of the airlines).

"Hold the Plane" (one sighting)...
SC running across the sidewalk 200+ feet from end of Terminal Building Yelling "Hold My Plane" as a jet is being pushed back from the end of the jetway.

"What do you mean I'm over the free time?"
Learn to read your watch. 30 min. is 30 min. not an hour and a half

"I didn't read the sign."
Well the 10 foot X 10 foot (100 sq. feet) sign with 1 foot high safety yellow sign is at EVERY enterance to this lot.

"But my Credit card worked at _____."
Yes, but it is not working here,
Variation
"Well run it again "
And it will be declined again


OH Well a bad day at the parking lot Still beats a good day at the nursing home!

[EclipseDragon986]

The Happy Babbler: Has the amazing ability to describe everything in his house that he just bought from you (and does so, repeatedly) without ever getting to the question that he obviously has. Always friendly, but be prepared to spend a half an hour on the phone before he ever gets to the point.

The Illiterate: Doesn't bother to read the PIN pad to see what its asking, but swipes his card over and over. Looks at you blankly when you explain that's not what it wants, and then swipes the card four or five more times before handing it to you to try.

Gift Card Freak: I have had this happen to me, I swear to god. Pulls out fifty or sixty gift cards to pay for a thousand dollar purchase, each one for twenty dollars or less. WTF?

[obscure_reference]

I work at one of those grocery stores that has its own gas station on-premises. They have the 'save $.10 off fuel for buying $50 in groceries' gimmick running constantly. With extra gimmicks comes extra stupidity.

Here's a couple of the SCs I have to deal with on a daily basis:

Status Symbol A$$hole
"I can afford a Hummer, Escalade, or some other ridiculously expensive SUV, but I'm going to blame you, the lowly clerk, for my gasoline bill that's high enough to feed you and your fiance for a week." If you don't want to pay that much for gas, then drive something more economical or fill up when your tank's half-empty. Just cause I work here doesn't mean I like paying over $2 a gallon, either.

Of distant relation to the above are the guys I like to call, Wee Willie Wankers. They always pull up in custom 4x4s or huge full-size dually trucks that are always sparkling, so you know they never take them off-road and don't use them as a work truck. Nothing against any 4x4 enthusiasts or anyone that just likes big ass trucks - what makes WWW's different is that they're always younger men that come up to the counter with a patented cocky/jock/wannabe-thug strut, and invaribly throw their payment into the sliding drawer, grunting at you with an expression on their face as if your polite comments "Hello, that was pump 3, right?" are somehow an affront to their manhood. I just work here. I don't know or care if you resemble John Holmes or Rasputin 'down there,' but your attitude and mode of transportation put together would suggest you don't. I just want to accept your payment for the gas you just pumped. Don't take your failings with the opposite sex out on me, I have a fiance and am no threat to you, so go get a book by Dr. Ruth or something.

To be continued, as I think of them.

[Apillar]

Here are a few that I have come across over several years of sales in the area of retail electronics...



Rip Van Winkle: This person seems to have fallen asleep in 1985 and woke up in 2007. He usually brings in some piece of EXTREMELY obsolete technology. Common examples are "brick" cell phones, vacuum tubes from old TV's, and 20 year old computers. He seems completely stunned when you tell him that the company no longer sells or services his product. Usually stuttering, Bu..But... You USE TO! His knowledge of technology seems to have ended about the time the product was made.

Example -

RVW (Rip Van Winkle) - Sir, Where are the 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disk drives for Commodore 64 computers.
ME - Sorry but we no longer carry anything for systems that old.
RVW - Really ?!? Why not?!? I know you use to !
ME - Yes, true, but we haven't since about 1990.
RVW - (Stunned Silence) Do you know anyplace that still sells drives for my C-64
ME - Your best bet is to try to find a used one on e-bay.
RVW - E-Bay... Haven't heard of it... Is it here in the mall?
ME - Uh No. It's an online auction site. You know... On the internet.
RVW - Online?? Internet??

The Wizard: Seems to think they have the ability to alter reality through shear force of will.

Example -

Wizard: I want a Model XYZ phone.
Me: Sorry, we stopped carrying the XYZ last year.
Wizard: (Concentrates) (Vein pops out on forehead) (Grits teeth) I... WANT... a... model... XYZ... phone.
Me: As I said we know longer carry the XYZ, it was discontinued last year.
Wizard: Seems surprised that his power has failed but is determined to try harder... (Concentrates with such intensity it looks like he might crap his pants) (Vein looks ready to explode) (Grinds teeth)
Me: Uhh.. Sorry we couldn't help you today... (moves on to next customer)
Wizard: (Seems rooted to spot) (Stares at you, trembling with magical power)
Wizard: (After a couple minutes finally realizes that his magic has failed when a model XYZ doesn't pop into existence and walks away, presumably to go back home to study his spell books)

"Just Looking" Parrot: As the name implies this person does not seem to know any phrase other than "Just Looking". This person squawks this phrase anytime a sales associate happens to come within 20 feet of him or even glances in his direction. Also any attempts at conversation, even something as simple as Good Morning is quickly met by flapping arms and a squawks of "Just Looking ! Just Looking ! Just looking!"

The "Special" Individual: This is usually middle aged slightly mentally challenged individual who is not employed, gets a monthly disability check, and has nothing else to do but take the bus to the mall everyday and wander through your store. He insists on applying for a credit card or cell phone contract during every visit, which is always turned down. But mostly he just follows you around the store, talking and trying to get you to demonstrate every product for him. He is also oblivious to the fact that you have duties other than entertaining him. He will continue to talk as you are attempting to help real customers and will even try to follow you to the stock room/bathroom/lunch.

Little Lolita: This is a girl usually between the ages of 12-15 that hangs out in the CD section and dresses and acts like a hooker. She seems to have recently discovered that she can get attention, free stuff and make a lot of new (male) friends by flaunting her uhh... assets. She hits on any male between 15 and 50. Also, constantly flirts with male employees and tries to get free or discounted CD's. Example, Little lolita approaches counter, bends over so cleavage shows, bats eye lashes, licks lips and says, "Like, it would make me sooooo happy if you let me have this new release CD. I proooomise I'll give you the money next week... or whatever you want...

The Lonley Old Man: This elderly man is typically a widower, doesn't have any relatives that live nearby and comes to your store because he wants someone to talk to. He often comes across as a sad, pathetic individual and you almost feel obligated to try to cheer him up. Unfortunately, he will spend HOURS
telling old war stories, talking about the "good old days" etc. And worst of all, once he realizes that you are too much of a sap to tell him to buzz off, he will start coming back every day and ask for you specifically.

The Bullhorn: This is usually a man who instead of coming to you or waiting for you to come to him will yell questions at you about a product from across the store.

Example -

Me: (at register ringing up a customer... When a booming voice comes from somewhere on the other side of the store...)
Bullhorn: DO YOU CARRY THE NEW XYZ BRAND HD TV !!!! YOU !! YOU AT THE REGISTER !!!
Me: Yes we do, they are right over there.
Bullhorn: WHAT !! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU !!
Me: I said they're right over there ! Let me to finish ringing up this customer and I will show them to you!
Bullhorn: IS THIS THE ONE !?!
Me: Yes.
Bullhorn: WHAT !!
Me: Yes !
Bullhorn: CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT SOME OF THE FEATURES ON THIS MODEL !! DO YOU HAVE ANY IN STOCK !! IS IT ON SALE !! DO YOU OFFER 12 MONTHS INTEREST FREE FINANCING !!

The Victim: Every time anything doesn't go exactly like they think it should. They accuse you, your management, and the entire company of discriminating against them on the basis of their race, sex, nationality, religon, sexual orientation etc. Ummm Ok... You got me... The company sent a memo this week that said we will not except expired coupons from Hispanics, Women, Gays and Canadians. It a shame you're a Canadian or I would happily take that coupon that expired last month.

The Political Crusader: This can be either a ultra left wing liberal or an Ultra Right wing conservative. Either way they feel the need to inject their political ideology into any and every conversation. They will not except any challenges to their world view. It's best just to agree with them and get away as fast as possible no matter how you really feel about the issue.

Example -

Me: Good Morning...
Liberal Political Crusader: IT WILL ONLY BE A GOOD MORNING WHEN THE PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHED AND LED AWAY IN CHAINS ! NO BLOOD FOR OIL !
Me: Ahhh... Yeah right on! (walks away quickly)

Or

Me: Good Morning...
Conservative Political Crusader: AMERICA ISN'T GOING TO HAVE VERY MANY MORE GOOD MORNINGS IF THE LIBERALS IN CONGRESS PASS AMNESTY FOR ILLEGAL ALIENS! WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE SECOND CLASS CITIZENS IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! THIS COUNTRY WILL BE A THIRD WORLD CESSPOOL IN A FEW YEARS!
Me: Ahhh... Yeah right on! (walks away quickly)

[DesignFox]

"Just Looking" Parrot: As the name implies this person does not seem to know any phrase other than "Just Looking". This person squawks this phrase anytime a sales associate happens to come within 20 feet of him or even glances in his direction. Also any attempts at conversation, even something as simple as Good Morning is quickly met by flapping arms and a squawks of "Just Looking ! Just Looking ! Just looking!"
)

I find these people to be so incredibly rude. Parents are teaching their kids to behave this way, too, I've noticed....

Example:
Me-"Hi, welcome to _______! How are you today?"
SC-"I'm Just looking!"

Well gee...I guess I'm not allowed to say hello and be friendly?! At least be cordial and answer me...then, when I start my sales pitch you can politely inform me that you are only interested in viewing the products and not making any actual purchases! I promise, I have better things to do than hassle you when you are 'just looking.'

[Bagboy]

The lets harrass the boss person - Stands around and loiters while harrassing my boss, L.

The Samantha Foxers- These are lesbians that claim they were hot, but are now like in their 50's-60's

The paris Hiltons- The really ditzy chicks.

[Lyger]

WILSON! - People so crazy, they may as well be talking to a volleyball, since nobody else is willing to put up with their drivel that stems from pure hatred, pure dementia, or both.

The Bedbugs - Couple that refuses to stop kissing, hugging, even groping each other every ten seconds. Not limited to any sexual orientation.

[Slytovhand]

Ok - only on page 7 here - and I don't think I've quite seen the same, and it's probably on one of the others... but......

The But surely you're psychic - specifically at petrol stations, "So when's the price of petrol gonna come down?". My response is (and actually has been with a couple of regular customers who can get away with it cos it's a standard line.." As soon as you leave".

The Surely you can fix this - similar to the above, but they say "So why is the price of petrol so high?" - standard response - "Because we have cameras on the freeway, and I saw you were coming in - so I changed it".

[Slytovhand]

Whizz-bangs (I just made it up :-P) - they give you a name or fully describe what they are on about, even though you have absolutely no idea what it is. They are so sure that what they are talking about is either common knowledge, or their head is stuck...somewhere, that the rest of the universe must be on their wavelength.

Eg - I had one guy ring in to the call centre I was working at for course enrolments. He decided to tell me all about some PC or program or whatever (hey - am I really supposed to listen??) - and I had no idea what he was going on about - not that that really matters, because that just means that they get to teach you - from the very beginning onwards.

Also... I put vehicles onto peoples e-tag accounts. I love it when they rant off some special model and classification tag sort of thing (FPV GT350 XYZ 990.... blah blah blah). Nice to ask after that 'So - is that a Ford or a Holden?" hehehe

Second one..

The Mates Rates Employee - is similar to someone mentioned before. They either currently work with you, have previously worked there, or are related to someone who does - and wants you to give them freebies, cheapies etc. "C'mon... maaaattteeeee!!!!!! You can do that for me... I won't tell anyone - don't worry about the cameras or microphones around here that management look at, nor the fact that it will show up on the reports at the end of the shift...."

[Slytovhand]

The Mountaineer - aka Grossus Exageratus - takes the smallest most minor issue - let's see how big we can make it.

EG - I had someone who had a bill with an admin fee on it - by the end of the conversation, the whole concept of paying it was "Like Nazi Germany, Frank. It's Nazi Germany!"

What? - a Democratic Socialist Nationalist political party that took Germany out of a ten year depression by increasing state-owned capital works programs?? I fail to see the connection.....


The Emotional Blackmailer - or at least - tries to be. I actually had someone say to me "Where's your humanity?". Why?? Because he was late (as in - past the cut-off time) for the 4th time (you only get 1 shot at that), and he had woken up (2am) to get it fixed. Because it was his 4th try, I said no - I apparently have no 'humanity' because he doesn't learn his lessons.

[Slytovhand]

Similar to the Illiterati, the Innumerati - who doesn't understand either that 'once' means only 1.. not 2 or 3 or 16. Nor does it mean once a year. Once.. is once - that's it!

Also, doesn't understand the concept that 5 days is not the same as 3 days (or any other period of time...).

Similarly - the Uncalenderati - where 2am Tuesday morning is [I]not[I] actually Monday night. IE - this pass will cover you for all day Monday - so no, Tuesday morning (even if it is 1am) is not the same day! Is it really that difficult to understand?

[Delphae]

The Just Passing Throughs These people always seem to walk down the isle you are working in, no matter how crowded it is do to Truck, Planogram changes or Seasonal changovers. They are not getting anything in the isle, just using it to pass to the back or front, risking tripping over countless boxes and totes. This especially is true when you are working in an isle that is not a main path.

[Talonetc]

"I will only speak with a manager": Ah, my personal favorite. The overbearing individual whose "time is so valuable" they require a managers immediate attention for even the most simple or miniscule task which my greenest rep could handle before he or she had their morning coffee.

[Koliedrus]

Sliders - They insist that the layout of the store has been drastically altered since their previous visit.

Slider: "Why do you people keep moving things around?! Cat food was right here last week, dammit!"
Me: "Um, no, it's been twelve aisles in that (pointing) direction for over a decade."

When I first experienced these creatures, I had assumed it was faulty memory due to declining mental faculties. As exposure to them grew, I realized that they were of every age group and demographic.

I've come to the conclusion that their Arrow of Time (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrow_of_time) is dimensionally skewed, causing them to drift through parallel universes even as they drift toward tomorrow.


Crazy Bettys - At four-foot-something, dressed in gypsy garb, stroke-ridden features shown by her lurching gait and only one side of her face responding to facial expressions, this frightful looking entity has been mistaken as an SC by the uninitiated. Noobs scatter in fear when they see her ambling toward the entrance.

In truth, she has a kick-ass sense of humor made apparent to those of us able to understand what she's saying through her stroke-initiated speech problems coupled with a thick, Eastern European accent. In a single exchange, she will demand that "Hey, you" help her retrieve a pint of milk, thank you for helping her and engage you in a short, bright conversation (more would tire her so think of it as a failsafe).

Afterward, there is the inevitable hug, a radiant smile from the entire half of her face that still works and a gentle touch on your cheek.


Crazy Betty's are rare in my experience. That's not to say that others don't exist elsewhere but, locally, their herd is in danger of extinction.

Do Not Mistake a Crazy Betty for an SC!

If you happen to spot one, feel free to pm me regarding first-contact protocol.

[Earl]

The Crybaby - The guy who orders something we took off the menu a year ago... and complains about it for 3 solid minutes, talking about how good it was, and how we take things off the menu because we hate him, etc.

The Blind Guy - The guy who goes to the drive through, ignores the menu, and the many "Carl's Jr." logos, and proceeds to order food from another fast-food chain.

The Blind Guy Who Deserves To Be Actually Blind - The guy who orders something from another fast-food chain, then gives us the finger when we explain to him that we don't have it, and that it comes from Arby's, not Carl's.

The Temper-Tantrum Grown Man - The guy who will turn steaming mad if we do the slightest thing wrong, even if it can be fixed in literally 8 seconds. His rage has even switched on when we accidentally gave him MORE change than he was supposed to get.

The Animal Cruelty Guy - The guy who orders a cheeseburger for his dog, and requested it PLAIN, who then storms in later, telling us that apparently a "plain" cheeseburger isn't supposed to have cheese. Instead of ordering a plain HAMburger, he orders one with "cheese" in the name itself, and precious Foofie can't eat cheese. We call him the animal cruelty guy because it's bad enough that humans eat our filth... it's wrong to make a helpless animal eat it too.

The Cheap Asshole - The guy who orders two burgers, then comes back in later claiming that he didn't order the second one, and wants a refund. Of course, he doesn't give the second burger back (although we would have thrown it out, we can't let someone have a burger they shouldn't have). Since only management deals with refunds, they decide they just wanted him to get the fuck out and give him a refund anyways.

The Man Who Is Never Wrong - The guy who can't read the menu right, and thinks the picture for the #6 combo is really for the #7 combo. Thinking he's ordering a #6, he orders a #7. I repeat the order back to him for confirmation, and he says it's right. He comes back later and says we screwed up his order. We then explain that he had mistaken one combo for another, and explain that we had even repeated the order back to him, and he had confirmed it. He then tells us that it's our fault because our menu is "hard to read", and that we apparently mumbled the order back to him. Alas, he is never EVER wrong.

The Sadistic Master Woman - The woman who orders food at drive-thru, then changes her order at the window. When we bring her the food, she asks us for ketchup. When we return with ketchup, she asks for some ranch too. When we return with ranch, she asks for an extra bag. When we return with an extra bag, she asks for more napkins, and so on, making me run back and forth a good like a confused little rabbit.

Little Miss Bitch - The 9-year-old girl who wanted a root beer float on drive-thru. Seeing as we don't sell root beer floats, we told her "no". She then explained how she knows that we have ice cream (for milkshakes) and we have root beer, we have to make her a root beer float. We explained that since we don't sell root beer floats, we don't have a price for them, so we can't sell one. We told her that we COULD charge her the $3.23 for a milkshake (without stirring it, so it's just the ice cream) and $1.50 for a small root beer, but she refused that offer, saying that it's too much. Since I had actually made a root beer float like this before at work... I felt obligated to butt in. I told her that the root beer was really watered down anyways, and in the end it would taste nasty as hell. She then goes on a huge speech about how we HAVE to make one for her, running all her words together in slurred speech, like a drunk, so we shut the drive-thru window before we lost control of ourselves.

[Marxfan]

The Sadistic Master Woman - The woman who orders food at drive-thru, then changes her order at the window. When we bring her the food, she asks us for ketchup. When we return with ketchup, she asks for some ranch too. When we return with ranch, she asks for an extra bag. When we return with an extra bag, she asks for more napkins, and so on, making me run back and forth a good like a confused little rabbit.

I get this type of customer, too, and they drive me crazy. I honestly think it's a power trip for them.

[Dreamstalker]

The Nervous Loner: This guy reminds me of the way I used to be in grade school, except he's probably in his mid-50s and I "wised up" at 16. A fairly large man with a very nervous speech pattern, to the point where it makes me nervous to listen to him. Will prattle on about $series (he seems to know to pick the ones I know the least about) in a vaguely grating monotone, ignoring the fact that a line is building up. Even if I subtly (or not so much) call for the next in line, he's positioned himself in such a way that nobody else can access the counter at the register (he's one of the reasons we should have more than one reg upstairs). Reminds me of a classic autistic/AS stereotype who is only ever interested in one thing and Cthulhu help you if you try to take them from that course.

Although the vast majority of customers in the shop are pleasant, we also get a handful of specimens that seem to define the negative connotations of otaku (personality of a a cheese grater, social skills of a wet noodle, vaguely smelly).

[Hon'ya-chan]

Credit goes to Answerman for this: Go down to the Flake of the Week. (http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/answerman/2007-08-17)

Manga Cow = someone who sits in the comics aisle of a big-box bookstore, like Borders or Barnes & Noble, and reads manga all day, grazing like a cow in a pasture. You likely see these people every time you go to one of those stores.

[Dreamstalker]

Don't they also tend to somehow, in violation of a few laws of physics, take up every inch of the aisle at the same time? Or is that only if there's a pack of more than one?

[ArcticChicken]

The wander and dropper-The person who wanders around a store, picks up something and carries it for awhile, decides they don't want it and leaves it wherever. Bonus points if it's perishable



Extra bonus points if they leave is stuck in the magazine rack at the end of your counter.

[GayleShy]

Extra bonus points if they leave is stuck in the magazine rack at the end of your counter.


Extra extra points if it's parishable and they stick it in the magazine rack and you find it at the end of your shift all warm and, in the case of ice cream, sticky.

[jparenti]

The Grunter Their language skills never made it past that of the Stone Age. They know what they want, and they don't want to have to speak to get it. They point and grunt, or sometimes they just drop money on the counter and stare at you blankly while you vainly try to read their minds.
The Gasoline Pump Retard There's always about 40 per day at the gas station where I work. The interaction begins with an accusation: "Why aren't you turning the pump on?" You patiently explain, "You have to read the instructions on the pump sir. First you have to..." By now, they've either left and slammed the door, left swearing loundly, or claimed that you are inplying they are mentally impaired. Which, of course, you are.
The Lottery Guru They have special numbers, secret numbers, from which untold millions will pour forth. But first they have to stand in your line and block 20 other people from going about their business by buying $75 worth of lottery tickets by reading aloud the numbers one at a time, as fast as possible so they will have to repeat themselves and take even longer. A subset of this group are the Scratch Off Addicts, who will stand and scratch instant tickets at the front of the line, occasionally pointing and throwing money in your direction for more tickets, even while other customers are being helped.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

Don't know what to call him, though.

This is the guy who will go up to a counter to get helped only because there's a very pretty girl working. He will take up her time, asking her stupid questions, staring at her. When she turns to grab something for him or look at something, his eyes will instantly travel to her chest, and then back up again when she turns back. Meanwhile people are backing up behind him, actually wanting to spend some money. He is completely oblivious to this, and will continue to stare and drool and ask stupid questions until she gets impatient and tells him she needs to assist the people behind him.


I used to get boys like this as a teenager. Gawd I hated them!

[GolfCart34]

I had to go digging in my livejournal archives for this one! This list is unique to my tourist trap days about a year ago.

The Townies (aka the Not So Good Neighbors): These are the people who live in the town where the museum is located. And boy do these people think they own the place. First, they get to buy discounted tickets for friends and family. So they usually strut their snobby rear ends up to my register, wave their resident badge in front of my face, then demand their discount. And when I say snobby, I mean snobby. They usually live in one of the rich gated communities, drive an expensive car, and never ever buy annual passes, despite the fact that their family will most likely be back to visit at the holidays (and it's cheaper to buy the annual passes anyway). A few of them are cool, but most of them are snobby jerks.

The Wanna Be Townies: These are the people who own a timeshare or once had a resident pass and now moved out of town (hence they're no longer eligible for a resident pass) and think that entitles them to the resident pass. Um, no. On one occasion I had these people who had prepaid annual passes and also wanted to buy resident passes. So I asked for ID to verify that they lived in town. Turns out they lived about an hour away and were trying to scam the system. Then last week I had these people who owned a timeshare and only had their vehicle registered here. Vehicle registrations are not accepted as anybody can have their car registered here (i.e. some military will buy new cars here and have their car registered here, despite still living out of state). Policy is that we only accept a drivers license or two utility bills. Apparently this wasn't good enough for them since somebody sold them a resident pass last year. But neither myself nor my coworker would sell them a pass. And my supervisor would've been proud. She follows that policy to the letter.

The Typical Tourist: These are the people who do not do their research before visiting the area. These people are usually only in town to visit the amusement park (which is a total ripoff and really crappy anyway) and need something to do for a couple of hours. Now, typically, it takes two to three days to visit, as the museum is that big (it's part of and still is an actual town). These people all buy one day passes, will not even consider buying an extra day or two, don't add on any of the highlight sights (two day passes and above include all the sights), then complain when they don't get to see everything. Well see, I told them before they went in but they just wouldn't listen. And higher customer satisfaction comes from people who visit for more than one day.

The Locals: These are people who live just outside of town (I'm talking within 20 or 30 minutes of town) and they insist that they will not be back within the next year, therefore say no to annual passes. Now, the way that our ticket structure works, if you plan to come for a week, or even for one day six months from now the pass will actually work out to be cheaper than two one day passes. And $10 says they'll be back during Christmas and have to pay the one day admission again.

The People Who Don't Get What "Sold Out" Means: Now, we have performances that take place at our museum. These performances are extra money and you have to book them in advance. I love it when people come up on the day of a performance, want a popular program that has been sold out for two weeks, then get pissed when the program is sold out. Yes, like complaining about the program being sold out is going to make me magically pull more tickets out of my BUTT!

The Freeloaders: These are the people who come on vacation, spend a week, buy the most expensive pass (the one that gives you free even performances, with reservations of course), then try to fit two back to back programs in on every night they're here. Now, the policy is that if there is a 30 minute or 1 hour gap between the shows then you can go to both. But if one starts immediately after the other we won't reserve the tickets. It's totally rude to the performers who work their rear ends off, not to mention it's physically impossible.

The Cheap Asses: These are the people who come in, march right up to my counter, and before I can even say one word ask, "What can I do for free?" I don't know about anybody else, but when I go on vacation I expect to pay for attractions. Especially since I save my money, don't go on vacation that often, and when I do I tend to splurge. If you can't afford to go on vacation the then you shouldn't go on vacation. Simple enough, right?

The Tour Bus People: These are the people who make the locals' life a living hell. These people are similar to the cheap asses, the only difference being they were to lazy, cheap, or both to drive themselves here. Now, I don't have problems with senior citizens or people from out of the country who use tour services to visit as they usually don't have any other way to get there. What I'm talking about are the people who don't really need to use these services yet use them anyway. Tour bus people also tend to clog up our eating and shopping establishments, thus making it nearly impossible for locals to enjoy themselves without having to travel far.

The Timeshare People: Some of these people are the dumbest of the dumb. They go to the timeshare presentations, sit locked in a room for 2+ hours, usually buy into the property even though they don't know entirely what they are getting themselves into, then visit us with the free tickets they get. These people are so clueless. I mean, we'll get a few who know how to abuse the timeshare systems by just going for the free vacations and free tickets, then firmly saying no to buying in. I like those people. They're usually super nice too. But the clueless ones. Why do people go on vacation when they don't know what they're probably getting into? And you have to tell these people everything multiple times because they just don't listen. A coworker of mine has a way of dealing with the dumb type of timeshare people. She tells them once, then tells them to read their map because she will not tell them again. And some timeshares who sell discount tickets for current timeshare owners actually jack up the pass price to more than what you would've paid over the counter. I know for a fact that one, I won't mention the name, charges $50 at the timeshare for a $48 pass over the counter. When the people who had those passes found out they were madder than mad. I think they were even going to sell their timeshare because of it. They were very thankful once I pointed out the actual price too and were going to go complain to the appropriate person once they were done enjoying themselves. People like that are also cool.

Dumb Teachers: This one is short and simple. These are the people who are supposedly are teachers, demand their discount, but can't provide ID to prove that they are in fact a teacher. Sorry, no ID = no discount. I mean, seriously, do you expect me to take your word for it? No. I don't. Anybody can say they're a teacher. And as it is I already have enough problems with the home school parents (since some do and some don't have ID, depending on what state they're from).

[tangrid]

Love the thread, by the way. As someone who's worked both the CSR and MoD positions in foodservice, I feel like I've dealt with most of the listed people (those applicable to food, anyway). Here're a couple that were missed.

Honky- Either doesn't pull forward far enough to activate your drive-thru sensor (not as bad) or doesn't have the patience to wait 3 seconds for you to greet him (want to kill), and thus honks his horn to get your attention. (often wonders why you can't hear his mumbled order in your now-deafened state) {I was actually about 10 seconds away from beating one of these guys with the sawed-off mop handle we use for locking the drive-thru window, at the end of one particularly grueling night. Not sure if I'm grateful or resentful for the intervention of the MoD}

"When I'm ready" or "Windows up" Honky- Similar to the above, but will pull up with their windows rolled up, and stay that way until they've decided what they want, then will roll windows down, and honk at you if you take more than 10 seconds to respond to it. (even the ones that don't honk still suck, of course)

Big engine, small... you know...- Usually a redneck or overcompensating jock who either has the most obnoxious diesel engine in the world or a (completely useless) glass-pack muffler, but will not turn off his engine to order, instead screaming at you that he can't hear you over it. Will often over-accelerate, so as to deafen you further, when pulling forward.

Power Trip- Will always find something (99.9% of the time, it's imaginary) wrong with his order. "There's too much lettuce," "There's too much mayonnaise," "There's not enough mayonnaise," (it should be noted that we use a mayo scoop to make sure there's exactly the same amount every time) "This bread's too hard," etc. I had one of these who would come in every day, and was never satisfied with the first sandwich. On the last quote, I asked the guy who'd gotten the other half of the loaf (he was right in front of this SC in line) how his bread/sandwich were. He said they were great, and I got to tell the SC that he was no longer welcome (sometimes, management is actually cool). My coworkers cheered me after he left.

This one's not actually a customer, but is twice as sucky for it:
The Prank Caller- Either sends $50 worth of food to his buddy's/rival's house, or just gives you an address that doesn't exist. Some even have the audacity to call back and heckle you about taking so long.

Can't wait 15 minutes- Calls and orders a delivery, then shows up 5 minutes later, saying "I didn't want to wait," and gets mad because their sandwich is en-route. Are you seriously upset with me because we're too fast?

[Lady Heather]

The Looker: Can be male or female. They come in say they don't need help, then wander around clearly looking for something.:confused:
Unable to find it on there own they start to leave. When offered help again they complain that you do not have Item X and proceed to whine. :cry:
At wich point you :D and walk them right to Item X wich you have in 3 diffrent colors.
Bonus point for each time they walked past Item X.:devil:

[worddork]

The argument for more homework in the public schools: the kids (generally middle-school aged) who hang out at the store and do nothing but cause trouble.

As a teacher I know that kids have plenty of homework the trouble is that kids that age just don't care if they get marked down for not doing it.

Mr/Mrs. Doyouworkhere? : bonus points if you're carrying boxes of product when they ask. Double bouns points if you're behind the cash register when they ask (yes both really happened to me, many, many times. Sometimes while helping other customers):confused:

[FuzzyKitten99]

The Eaters - Kin of the Grazers, these are the customers at the grocery who can't wait until they've paid for a product to open it and start eating it. Will often wander the store eating out of a box or potato chip bag and wind up paying for just the wrapper.
omg, my MIL does this! :lol:
I think she's nuts for doing it, but whatever. I guess as long as she's paying for it...
But she's also done this with a package of baby socks that she wanted to put on my son to fit a pair of shoes on him. She was gonna buy the socks anyway, but she opened them, put a pair on his feet, and then proceeded to try shoes on him. I wasn't about to stop her (again, she did pay for them), but I was sure embarassed! I figured if the store management had an issue, they would say something.

[marty]

Don't know if any of these have been done before, my attention span is a little iffy so 21 pages of posts is hard for me to concentrate on.

Mr. I Can Clearly See Everything But Your Signs: This guy will either stare at the big signs above your head that show all of the promotions or specials and still ask you what they are or if you have them. This guy will also stare at your store hours for at least two minutes then ask you what time you close.

Angry After Hours Douche: This thing usually strolls up to the door when your lights are dimmed and the gates are pulled, stares at you through the area at the bottom of the glass door, bangs on it and screams, "I just want one thing!" ten minutes after the store closed. It gets mad when you tell you you're closed and will not in fact reopen for him.

Stupid Parents with Lazy Children: A particular problem at stores such as mine that sell things kids are attracted to (video game stores, toy stores, etc), these parents come in without their kids and give you the most vague title of an item to look for, usually one or two words that could apply to about half the product there. When you ask them to be more specific, they call their children (who could have just came with them) and have long-winded, loud arguments ove the phone about what exactly the little brat wanted.

[ZeoViolet]

The only one I can think of at the moment (and I did not have time to read all 21 pages, sorry!) is:

The Candy Nipper. You know those displays of candy where you pull out a bag and scoop however much you want into said bag, because the candy is sold by the pound? I was not too familiar with this until recently when I began working in a Supermarket, but you'd be amazed at how often a person will reach into the cases, extract candy, and munch for free or give it to a loud kid to shut them up.

Some supermarkets around here have a "deposit quarter" tin that if you plunk in change (and nobody monitors this so how can one tell for sure) it is okay to help yourself to a few pieces of candy. Pointless to me. It relies too much on good faith, which too many people lack.

PS my store is very nonconfrontational, and those candy racks are in full view of the Customer Service counter....yet I've never heard a peep from the lady running it, because "the customer is always right" and you must not discomfit a customer, especially over a piece of candy.

[Diablo]

I worked at a marina over the summer and had quite a few crappy customers...

The Bass Masters: These are the fools that spend a fortune on their boats and expect to catch fish. If they don't, its got to be the guy re-roofing the shop fault. They also are the ones that don't want advice on anything. So when I see them backing their boat trailer into the pier, I'm not supposed to say anything.

The "Still Open?"s: Love the people that show up at 5:05 on a sunday and ask if the shop is still open. "Yeah, thats why I just locked the doors and all the lights are off."

The Dumbass: Our pumps read per gallon but they are priced per half gallon. So if you look at the pump, it looks like we are charging $2.00/gal. Except, there are signs everywhere explaining its actually $4.00/gal. Furthermore, the nearest gas station on the road charges around $3.50. I should also mention we are the only marina on the lake. Plus since we are so small, we have to charge more per gallon to make any money. So I guess it makes perfect sense to these morons that my boss is selling marina gas for less than it cost to ship. And don't tell me we should fix the pumps. Don't you think we would if the state would let us?

The Super Cheapskate: These are the people that bitch about paying the $10 launch fee. Seriously, if you got a 30ft boat, you can't afford $10? Or if they have a slip, they pull their boats once a week out to get gas and proudly tell me they "ain't buying the expensive gas". First, any savings you make, you just spent in gassing your truck to haul your boat. Secondly, can't wait when your paying me and my boss to rebuild your engine because you used shitty gas in your boat. There is a reason we put in additives to our gas.

The "I know 'boss's name'"- I catch people doing the most retarded and sometime illegal things and their answer is "It's okay, I know ----". So if you knew him, you know how freaking pissed he be right now. I literally caught a guy pouring an oil pan filled with car oil into the lake from our launch. Yeah, the boss loves his dogs, ducks, and kids playing in a @#)ing oil slick you jackass!

[piratemonkey]

Absolutely love this thread. I'm reading them out to my other half (who works in retail with me) and we're both laughing our arses off at some of them.

I'd like to add:

The Bleeding Heart - The customer who has apparently travelled 500 miles to get to your store, only to find that you don't have an item in stock/don't have yesterday's free Daily Mail DVD and proceeds to pile guilt upon you for it.

The Selective Reader - The person who sees a big fat '3 for 2' sign but fails to read the 'on all [insert author's name]' addendum and therefore assumes ALL books are part of the deal. When you point this out, they claim the sign is misleading and try to get the deal anyway. A good variation of this is the customer who reads 'up to half price' and demands to know why all the books aren't exactly half price.

[Alpha Strike]

Stupid Parents with Lazy Children: A particular problem at stores such as mine that sell things kids are attracted to (video game stores, toy stores, etc), these parents come in without their kids and give you the most vague title of an item to look for, usually one or two words that could apply to about half the product there. When you ask them to be more specific, they call their children (who could have just came with them) and have long-winded, loud arguments ove the phone about what exactly the little brat wanted.

A variation:

Lazy Parents with Stupid Children aka I Want Free Babysitting!: If you're shopping at the local mall and need a place to dump little Johnie or precious Suzie, bring them to a store they like (Video Game stores work really well!) and make them stay put until you're ready to leave - hours later. Bonus points if you spend several hours at the mall and DOUBLE Bonus points if you actually have the cajones to ask me to watch your little brat for the duration.

[piratemonkey]

And another variation:

Lazy parent with evil children: A parent whose children are, in all probability, the spawn of Satan himself, but just won't discipline them. This is either due to laziness or plain ineptitude. When you dare to tell their horrible offspring to please stop eating the chocolate they haven't paid for/running behind the counter/throwing the merchandise all around the shop they shoot daggers at you for insulting their precious babies.

[qaxons]

Parrot: (expansion category) Seen often in Market Research circles. Replies to anything said by the caller with "I'm on the Do Not Call list." "I'm not interested." "I don't want any." "I don't have time." or "Take me off your list." in varying levels of anger. Completely immune to logic, information, or offers to call back at a better time.

Blatantus Confusingus: (better name?) Encountered at least once a week. Usually responds with "I don't take calls *click" followed by a bewildered expression from the caller and a muttered "Then why do you have a phone?" Varying species can usually be sighted by looking for the familiar :confused: look that marks their passing.

Data Mucker: Person who, no matter what the question is, answers vaguely and only clarifies after extensive probing. Often gives contradictory or blatantly false information. One example: Tagged as the "3rd oldest male" this person claimed to be 92, hispanic, asian and alaskan native, had every disease/problem/condition listed, but claimed to be in excellent health at the start, sounded like a southern hillbilly, and claimed to make 75,000 a year or more. I believed about one eighth of what he said, but I'm not allowed to say anything about it...

Figured I should inject some Market Research SCs here... Even though we never actually talk to customers, unless we're a supervisor or higher or they're doing the training.

Please, people of CS! do our studies... We really are nice people who don't want to bother, it's just the only job we can get...

[NateTheChops]

A new one to add.

Can I get cash for the change I spent all day panhandling.

Does it say Coinstar on my nametag? No, because I'd be collecting 7 1/2 cents for each dollar you made.

[Mr. Security]

Ok I didn't go threw all 22 pages so these may have been said in one form or another but he's a security guards version. I do security in my city's main public library so some will reflect where I work



Do you know where X is?: These are the people who expect you to know exactly where somewhere is and exactly how to get there and get annoyed when you can't give them directions


Slightly mentally handi-capped regular: These people are usually dumped off by there group homes almost everyday and they expect you to take care of the person for the entire day. The person usually will bother you at the most inopportune time and get extremely upset if someone they don't know brushes up against them or says something innocent to them and ties up staff and security calming them down.


Can I leave my stuff here while I go shopping? These are people who expect you to watch there stuff for hours on end while they go shopping somewhere else


Other guy said I could/let me do it: These are people who after you tell them to stop doing something there not suppose do they respond with well "the other guy let me do it" or another guard at some place else let 's me

Other people do it: These people are a variation on the above one. They insist that other people are doing the same thing and/or they say they've seen you let other people do it

The briber(security edition) These are the people who try and bribe you to let them into the building early or after close or if there doing something wrong and they try to bribe you to look the other way usually skateboarders are guilty of this. usually it's something very cheap $5-$20

Just need one more thing! These people insist that they get there book or video even though they've been told several times that we are closed and have to leave and then get upset that the staff has left(they leave right at close) and can't check out there book or video


tattle tail These are the people who come to you a tell you about someone doing something just a tiny bit wrong and expect you to drop everything and kick them out

tattle tail "annoying me" version These are people who will come to you and complain that someone is annoying them by tapping on a desk, or talking a little loud or anything even the slightest annoying and expect you to kick them out right away, a sub-division of this version is people who will complain about someone bugging them days,weeks even months ago and expect you to do something

tattle tail "old cop/guard" version These are the older guys who either at some point were a cop or a security guard way back when and give you "reports" about non-existent people doing drugs or drinking in the building

tattle tail "another building" version These people will come to you and complain about a problem several building's over and expect you to do something about right away

I know the hours! These people insist that they know when you open or close and complain that you used to open/close at x time when in fact you never did


i'll post some more later when I think of them :)

[Tjololo]

I went through 7 pages and didn't see these, so I figured if they weren't on there on the beginning, they deserve a second mention.

The "Cell Phone" Guy - This person (not necessarily a guy) INSISTS on talking on a cell phone, usually while you go about your business. Examples: 1. You walk up to a table and start to explain the specials. Someone decides it's necessary to answer their cellphone. Typically, I figure it's a short call, so I decide to wait. The rest of the party all say "no, keep going". You finish with the long list of specials, answering people's mundane questions about them. As you start to leave, Cell Phone Guy decides to get off their cell phone and want a detailed list of the specials that you just told everyone.
2. The person who drives up to a drive-through/comes to the counter on their cell phone and listen to nothing you say or clarify with them, then insist that their entire order is wrong, even though you clarified it with them two or three times, because you knew they would do that.

The Drunk Talker - This is the person who's sitting at your restaurant, usually not even at your table, yet insists that you stand and listen to them ramble on about how they had never been there before and before this restaurant was built, there was another one, and everything about the other restaurant, etc. (Although I guess it's my fault, I did smile at them as I sped by trying to get my tray of drinks to my impatient table. Silly me)

The "Save it" Guy - This is the guy that when you go up to their table and start talking, just to say "Hi my name is ____", they hold up their hand, usually accompanied by a "stop" or a "save it" or even nothing at all, and proceed to tell you their entire order, from drinks, apps, entrees, desserts, typically special orders (IE "I want the ribeye medium well with no potatos double vegetables sauce on the side") and get angry when you ask them to repeat their well-rehearsed ramble because 1. they have too much info to remember and 2. by the time you realize this, they're halfway through, and usually you can't write at the speed of light.

I probably have more. I'll be sure to post when I think of it!

[Handofgod]

Grazer- The customers who insist on tasting your produce to "make sure it's sweet" but never buys a damn thing.

The not-so-handicapped person-The customers who are perfectly healthy but must ride in wheel-chairs/electric carts and be treated as though something really is wrong with them.

Mr. I forgot my I.D. -Young teenagers/adults who obviously aren't old enough to buy tobacco or alcohol but want you to authorize them anyways because they forgot their I.D; Alternatively the ambiguous aged shoppers who forgot their I.D. and get mad when they can't get their tobacco/alcohol.

[Kittish]

Here are a few sorts of SCs I deal with on a daily basis. Please forgive if these are repeats, haven't yet read the entire thread here.

Old Faithful: Expects discounts/perks/freebies because "I'm one of your best/most loyal customers! Examination of said customer's previous purchases reveals this 'loyal' customer buys once a year, if that often, and always the least expensive product available.

I didn't order this!: We do not EVER keep credit card information where I work. We do not EVER send out packages that have not been ordered and paid for AT THE TIME THE ORDER WAS PLACED. And still, we get people call us and claim "I just got this package/saw this charge on my credit card but I didn't order this! 19 times out of 20, the customer information and the shipping information are identical. And these customers ALWAYS wait until the order has actually been shipped to call and complain. SOME of these customers are legitimately forgetful senior citizens....but only a small percentage.

It's guaranteed!: These are usually first time customers, who want to know all about the 'satisfaction guarantee' our products come with. You can just hear the wheels turning in their tiny little heads when they get the notion of 'hey, I can order all this expensive food, and just call back and say I didn't like any of it and I won't have to pay for it!' I even had one guy admit to me flat out one night that he intended to do this. I wonder if he's still waiting to receive his order? Because I ....accidentally.... canceled it instead of sending it thru. Ooops....

The Shuffler: Has a pile of every special offer they've received in the mail from us for the past year or more, and expects me to somehow magically know which ones they have and get them the item they want at the best price from all the mailers they're shuffling around. Usually gets quite upset when informed that anywhere from half to 3/4 of the mailers they have piled up are expired (Expired? What's that mean?).

The Blind: It's simple... Telling me what's IN this package you want to order doesn't do anything at all. I asked you for the ITEM NUMBER. That's the number that's in LARGE BOLD PRINTING, usually right in front of the name of the package, frequently along with the words "Ask for #". If I've seen the actual flyer or ad they're trying to order from, I'll tell a customer *exactly* where to look for said number. And 9 times out of 10, they still can't see it. BUT! They can make out and read back the tiny little number printed in one bottom corner of the page (printing notations, I think)!

[Saydrah]

I have one very irritating one to add.

The Free Sampler with Attached Chow Hound:
This SC enters a pet supply store seeking a type of food to feed their dog. This dog accompanies them, usually on a leash, sometimes in a little purse. The SC surreptitiously browses and grumpily shouts, "I'm fine, thanks!" to anyone who offers to help them. When all employees have gone off to other sections of the store muttering about what a grump that person is, SC goes down the dog food aisles letting Fluffy or Fido sniff every bag. Then when Fido stops and sniffs one for a little longer than the others, SC owner scratches a small hole in the bag and removes a handful of kibble to see if Fido likes it. Whether Fido eats it or not, this is invariably repeated with at least five different brands of dog food to make sure SC knows which one he likes best. When SC finds the favorite brand of dear Fido, one of two things happen:

1. SC removes the UNDAMAGED bag from under the one the SC scratched open, and purchases that one, because the other one is only good enough for OTHER PEOPLE.

2. SC decides the food Fido chose is too expensive, and just buys whatever is on sale- screw what Fido thinks, SC has had his/her fun with damaging product and now just wants to save money.

Some minutes after the SC has left, employees discover kibbles scattered all over the floor and several expensive bags ripped open, which are ALWAYS the largest size- they couldn't damage the $10.00 bag, no, it has to be the 40 pound one that costs closer to $50.00.

[HappyFun Ball]

These may have already been said too:


Mr. Tits Pervert Will openly gawk at your breast and not make any attempt to hide it

The When I was your Age Older person who will rattle on about how cheap everything was when he was my age

The Do you have change? Will buy 10$ worth of stuff and hand you a 100$.. Most of the time when the business has first opened or if your a delivery driver who carries 20$


The I'm really Fat, so I can ride on the motorized cart 400 pound person who could really benefit if they got off that cart and ran their fat ass around the store a few times

The Carnation Instant Bitch Will start off talking to you in a syrupy sweet voice, but turn immediately nasty if you can't do what she wants.

[RetailActress]

Creepy Mommy - Enters women's clothing store with 10-15-year old son, whom she consults about all her clothing choices. Makes him sit in armchair near fitting rooms, and models all her oufits for him, soliciting his reactions. She purchases whatever he approves. WTF??

[TryNotToBeThatOne]

No One Helped Me This individual does not pay the bills in their house, so when they spend too much money on an item, it's because no one helped them.

Actual case: Sunday in a fabric store, 4 employees & me (shift manager). I spent half the time in back doing paperwork stuff (only came out long enough to ring out the registers). I took a call from a man, complaining about the treatment that his wife had received in the store earlier that day. I sympathized and asked flat out 'is there anything I can do to make you feel better?' His flat out reply: 'no.' I shrugged, apologized that he felt his wife had been badly treated & hung up. :rolleyes:

Talked to the to other employees, who all remembered his wife. She was taking a beginning sewing class and at some point, every employee in the store, except me, had helped her. One had helped her find the pattern & showed her how to read it (shouldn't that have been covered in her class?). One helped her find her notions (elastic, thread, etc). One had cut her fabric, even pointing out that she had selected one of the most expensive lines of cotton that we carried & would she like another one, even though the fabric had already been cut. However, she was busy talking to her friend & waved the offer away. The fourth employee was the one who actually rang up her total and checked that she had all her supplies. But when she got home, no one had helped her, that's why she spent so much money.

[RetailActress]

OH, WANDERING ONE ..... This entity was hovering meaningfully near the cash registers. When you inquired, "Are you all set [to be rung up]?" it promptly answered "Yes!" You proceed to ring up its purchase. It then, on cue, wanders off .... something caught its eye ..... a sale sign .... an enticing display .... the fact that we have - oooohhhh! turtlenecks!! Meanwhile, since there are others waiting, you complete the sale, the receipt is printed, the item is gift-boxed and bagged, you are holding a credit card, you just want a freaking signature. WHERE IS THE WANDERER?? :confused:

[RetailActress]

THE WHISTLER ----- This is a male who has jauntily consented to indulge the shopping whims of his little woman. He could be sensible and self-confident enough to quietly wait in the car with a newspaper, a good book, or a nice little nap, but NO. Instead, he must draw attention to himself in the women's apparel boutique, the antiques shop, the museum store, by WHISTLING pseudo-nonchalantly and annoying the pure living hell out of everyone else within earshot.

[asyouwish]

Madam Forgetful - manifests in several behaviours including but not limited to: always brings in items to return, never has a receipt, despite being told every single week she needs one; brings expired coupons every single week and waits while the checkout operator has to go through every single one to weed them down; asks about product X, then product Y, mmm, and how about product X?

Mean Bastard - literally just gets his jollies making physically small women and new staff cry. Probably has some kind of bad life, and chooses to take this out on complete strangers, but only those who can't defend themselves.

And Man - keeps making statements to which you just want to say "..and?", like "Other store has this cheaper" or "I want completely ridiculous over-the-top service that you don't even offer or I'm going to your competitor" or "I know your manager".
love the "and man" i get plenty of those....my brain is saying "and why should i care"?? but my mouth says ah-huh...ah-huh...so how can i help you? Best way to get someone off the phone is to ask "if there's nothing further, have a great day!!!"

[tropicsgoddess]

The "I'm/We're Next/First": Will loudly and rudely demand to be first or next in line or on the list when they clearly did not make a reservation or have their names next or first on the list. Bonus: they will bug you to death until you move them up the line/list or cut in line.


"You're just a lowly _________": They don't think you're not good enough to help them or answer their question(s) and demand to speak with a manager/supervisor, when your manager/supervisor will do or tell them the same thing.

[Alpha Strike]

While I have call centers in mind, this could probably apply to any customer-service related job. [Apologies for repeats]

I KNEW you were going to ask for that!: This lovely SC will frequently call up and when asked for their account/ID/SSN number will happily report that "I KNEW You were going to ask for that".... then follow up by telling you that they don't have their account/ID/SSN number to give you. Bonus points go to these customers who make sure to tell you how well prepared they were when you first greet them.

Hurry up and Wait: An insidious variation of "I KNEW you were going to ask for that!" this customer starts any call with complaints about how long he/she had to wait. When asked for their account/ID/SSN number, they acknowledge that they have one, knew they needed it but then indicate they don't have it and ask you to look up their information another way... which will take longer.

"The Other Agent told me...": Frequently calls to complain that X service or Y guarantee they were expecting wasn't delivered as promised. When questioned further about the details of their order or who they spoke with, the SC can only point to "The Other Agent." Insists we speak with this "Other Agent" to get any problems or situations cleared up. Bonus points if they seem confused or angered that we can't figure out who "The other agent" is in a department of 30-40 people.

The Wrong Department Questioner/Employees should know All Customer - A person who will go up to any employee and ask a department specific question that has nothing to do with their department.

Example: You work in the kitchen appliances department. Customer "does this lamp come in any other colors?"


Don't forget, this SC is exemplified by their immediate anger or frustration that one employee can't answer all their questions. Bonus points go to these SCs who actually refuse to speak to another, more informed employee and insist you help them yourself - even if it will take much, much, much longer that way.

[RetailActress]

The Imaginary Fitter frequently appears in clothing stores. Selects a random garment, then asks an impossible question like "Will this fit my mother-in-law?"

Thence proceeds an involved questionnaire in which the long-suffering sales associate gamely tries to get an idea of the physical proportions of said mother-in-law, a person who will invariably NOT LIKE the selected item of clothing after all, and the whole thing will devolve into a merchandise credit, which should have been a gift certificate in the first place. <eye roll>

R.A.

[RetailActress]

HER ROYAL MATH-IMPAIRED HIGHNESS is a woman (sorry to be sexist, but I have never encountered males with this issue) who cannot be bothered with the simplest retail shopping computations, such as "Take 30% Off Last Markdown," "Buy Two, Get the Third Free [equal or lesser value]" and/or "$25.00 Off a Purchase of $100.00 or more."

We always have easy-to-use calculators at the ready, on our counters, available to all.

But these princesses will not sully their pretty little brains with such confusing muck, so they shove us heaps o' clothes and demand that WE determine for each of them,"What's the best deal?"

(To be fair, I'm also pissed at our company for foisting too many promotions all the same time.) gggrrrrrrrr

[Darkforge]

Mr. I Can Clearly See Everything But Your Signs: This guy will either stare at the big signs above your head that show all of the promotions or specials and still ask you what they are or if you have them. This guy will also stare at your store hours for at least two minutes then ask you what time you close. .

I had this enough times when I was working in a cafe/bakery and it really used to annoy me- the worst was when they said "i'll have one of those" pointing to something inside the display cabinet instead of saying the clearly labelled names by each product the thing was that the display cabinet was angled so that the people behind the cabinet can't see through to the other side.

This annoyed me greatly until one day I realised that a large proportion of our customers couldn't read and that all that time they spent looking at the signs was them attempting to read it, but when the sign has a lot of italian style names (Macchiato etc) then people with only basic reading skills can have problems.

I don't call this type of customer sucky, I just feel sorry for them that they weren't provided with a decent enough education.

The most surprising thing is that "Mr. I Can Clearly See Everything But Your Signs" most often appears to be native to the country.

[Saydrah]

Free Business Advice!- This SC knows better than the entire multi-billion dollar corporation how a business should be run, and is not shy about saying so to anyone they encounter, be it lowly cashier, back room stocker, or the vice president of the company. Common phrases:

"If your company knew how to make money, they would change this policy!"

"This is bad for business."

"Your company will go out of business soon if you keep doing this."

"You should inform your boss that your company loses customers by not doing this."

Interestingly, Free Business Advice SCs invariably do not, nor have they ever, own a business. Most work in entirely different fields than the company in question.

[MisseLaneius]

You mean you want to know relevant information? - This SC is characterised by a willingness to ask for you for something that is not within normal policy. When you respectfully decline, they unleash a diatribe on you, literally screaming at you all the circumstances that totally change the nature of the whole enquiry, which means that you CAN do it under these circumstances...:cry:

[RetailActress]

SUPER-ANNOYING PRICE ADJUSTER (or, COMMON OPPORTUNIST CHEAPSKATE) ..... SAPA-COC ------

Considers the inevitable commonplace price reductions of any retail establishment as PERSONAL INSULTS against her previous purchases.

Does she not "get" that, eventually, most things get marked down in order to move inventory and make room for fresh stock to arrive?

Presents herself as a persecuted individual ---- she bought things at full price, and now, SHOCKINGLY, they are SUDDENLY MARKED DOWN! You did that on purpose just to take advantage and inconvenience her!

And it's usually a long list of stuff that has to be tediously "fake-returned", and then re-rung in at the new, discounted price.

She will appear at the exact time when your store is most overwhelmed and understaffed.

[BoxGirl]

The Magic Word - People who assume that by using the word "just", you can do anything. "Can I make a return here?" "No, sir, we can't do returns at this register." "But it's just a return..." And they cannot fathom the concept that there is literally no button on this register that allows me to do returns.

Hooked On Phonics - The people that will stand in the line that clearly states "Boxes Only", then will get mad when they find out they can't pay their bill here.

The Cynic - That customer that walks up to the register, and the first thing out of his mouth is "You probably can't help me."

The Good Ol Days - Those that will say "But you used to do it this way", and insist that things go back to the old policy.

[Cyphr]

The Crazy Old Lady - Comes in everyweek and get a few small items including a loaf of bread reminds you eight times during the transaction not to put the bread in the bottom of the bags or carts. (I work near a retirment communtity so this happened far too often)

[GingerBiscuit]

'Magic Pill'.
Wants a magic pill that can either cause them to lose weight or gain muscle WITHOUT ANY WORK on their part.
Doesn't understand when you explain you NEED TO DO SOME WORK for them to work.
Ends up saying 'I'll just look around a bit then' and goes off to bother other poor sods till they find one unscrupulous enough to promise a miracle product, or sell them steroids/amphetamines.

[Bagboy]

Cig Boy: This 17 year old will come riding up on his mountain bike and pick through the trashcan ashtrays for half smoked cigarettes which he will put in his pocket to smoke later.

The edwardian lady: This lady is dressed in edwardian fashion i.e. corset,long skirt, jewelry, etc... Last time I checked the edwardian era died with the first world war.

[reaganchan]

The 'Which one is Sprite? lady': I won't lie there are moments in my life where I wish that I could legally get away with killing someone because of that sentence...You ordered a Sprite and a Dr. Pepper....then are stupid enough to ask me which ones which? I believe that makes you a prime candidate to get shot in my book.

The 'I want it fresh' Man/Woman: Makes sure to tell you for five minutes that those Onion Rings better be fresh and cooked just right or they are making a complaint...lets forget for a moment that we only cook orders of onion rings when an order for them comes in.

and my favorite....

the cousin of the manager: Proceeds to call in a very complicated order...then shows up two seconds later expecting it to be done. then when you take the food to said SC she proceeds to take your ear off about mundane things as your trying to escape. Then leaves without checking her order and ALWAYS calls back with something wrong. She ordered tater tots on the phone? well now she is saying she ordered fries because no one in her house likes tater tots...all while reminding you her cousin is a manager. Oh the joy.

[Kaitou]

Hm, new here...got through about 15 pages (backwards I grant you, since I"d already read the first few on the site) and this is one that I think should be on there:

*note - my store offers 30 days money back, 90 days exchange*

The "But I just bought that one yesterday!" Customer:
Customer brings back (obviously worn/used) item several months after purchase. When told "30 days retiurn, 90 days exchange" and having had this pointed out to her on the receipt she was given months ago, she proceeds to throw a fit until you agree to do an even/greater exchange. She does this.
Next day, she comes in trying to return it, stating she only bought THAT item yesterday.

/sigh

[RetailActress]

THE CARETAKING RETURNER is an otherwise kind soul who is the daughter, son, friend, in-law, or caregiver of an elderly, possibly incapacitated nursing home resident for whom this particular clothing shopping trip is conducted.

The CR buys a lot of clothes .... usually between $300 - $600 worth. Almost always heard at the point of purchase are one of these remarks: "I hope she likes SOME of these!" --- "I'll probably be returning MOST OF THESE!" ---- "She refuses to come here to TRY THESE ON!" ..... so .... hello?? We'll be anticipating MAJOR RETURNS, no doubt about it.

Our manager gets all excited about the BIG INITIAL PURCHASE, but is so short-sighted that the inevitable RETURN hits her like a ton of bricks. This makes her very cranky and she takes it out on us.

<gggrrrrrrr>

R.A.

[Banthor the Unruly]

[no handle for this one]. - A lonely person who insist on hanging in the store and engaging you in conversation about his weird obsession.



How about "The Conversation Bomber" or "The Shut-in"

I have a few myself:

The Tag-Liner : Customers who says all the dumb ass lines you have already heard a thousand time before, like "I just printed it this morning" when you use a counterfeit pen on the $100 bill they gave you, or "Well, then I guess it's free then!" when the UPC does not scan in.

The Off Duty Eagle-Eye: A customer who sees you in plain cloths when you are off duty and still expects you to help them.

The Tenyeared Customer: A customer who will tell you IN DETAIL how much they have purchased in the past, when you tell them you can not make an exception.

The Mystery War Veteran: I have nothing but respect for those who defend my country, but just because you say you were in the army does not mean you are not lieing. Especially when you want 500 cases of paper towels delivered to you BEFORE you pay for them, this is your first order with the company, and I'm the fourth person you have tried to guilt the order through, THIS MORNING.

[laurenam83]

the fake soccer mom: she drives a mini-van full of her kids and everyone else's. then she drops them off by pulling up and speeding off, to return hours later after the kids have destroyed the store and annoyed you to death. she then returns them to their respective homes and never says what she was really doing in that time.

mr. crazy/lazy eyes: always has something wrong with his eyes and wants to talk to you until you really have NOTHING you can possibly say to him in whatever eye you think might be the "right one". he also has really weird questions that usually have nothing to do with the product that you sell.

rascal grandpa: rolls into your store, takes up ALL the aisle space, asks where the shoes are, and then realizes he's 5 stores down from where he needs to be. you have to yell for him to hear you tell him that.

[RetailActress]

Our women's clothing company has both retail stores (such as the one in which I work) and its mail-order catalog division, which offers a lot more than the retail stores have in stock.

Our retail stores accept catalog returns. We send them back - free - to the catalog distribution center as a courtesy to the customer, and then the distribution center will credit the customer's account for the amount of the return.

This is notoriously difficult for many SCs to grasp.

"What, you can't give me my money back RIGHT NOW??"

"Why don't your stores carry WOMENS' SIZES (i.e., large) so I can try them on and not have to do this hit or miss ordering? This is discriminatory!!"

"Why don't your stores carry PETITE SIZES (i.e., small) so I can try them on and not have to do this hit or miss ordering? This is discriminatory!!"

"Why don't your stores carry TALL Sizes (i.e., long) so I can etc. etc. "..... [same as above.]

Well, of course it's all due to corporate decisions about allocations, marketing, square footage, demographic demand, and stuff like that. So I politely suggest that these complainers contact our corporate office --- instead of lowly me ---- with their issues, and I readily supply them with the appreopriate phone number and e-mail.

Think anything productive happens after that?

NO.

[curtismonkey]

The Escaped Mental Patient: They wander into the store looking like they just stepped off of a spaceship, gazing all around as if amazed by this strange new world. Their visit is obviously completely unplanned, and you have to wonder if they've just been wandering aimlessly around town all day. When they finally get to the counter, they typically inform you that they've "never been in here before" and proceed to bother you with pointless questions about the company and every product in the store. Usually leaves without buying anything (but assures you they'll "have to stop in again").

Harmless for the most part, but dealing with them can be a bit draining.

[jerkface11]

The 'Which one is Sprite? lady': I won't lie there are moments in my life where I wish that I could legally get away with killing someone because of that sentence...You ordered a Sprite and a Dr. Pepper....then are stupid enough to ask me which ones which? I believe that makes you a prime candidate to get shot in my book.

The 'I want it fresh' Man/Woman: Makes sure to tell you for five minutes that those Onion Rings better be fresh and cooked just right or they are making a complaint...lets forget for a moment that we only cook orders of onion rings when an order for them comes in.


OMG I love "which one is sprite lady"!! She orders Powerade (which is bright blue) Dr. Pepper and Sprite. We make fun of her for ever after she leaves.

[RetailActress]

Not the canine. Dogs - doG bless 'em all! - are the complete opposite of SCs.

This POINTER is a human male - usually elderly - who is the husband of someone who is shopping in our women's apparel store.

He's been elsewhere while she's been in our store, and he comes in looking for her. Except we don't know that. Generally, when a man presents himself in our store, we think "needs present for his mother" or "gift certificate." So, we cheerfully greet him and genuinely inquire, "How can we help you?"

THE POINTER silently points his index finger towards the interior of the store, like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come pointing at Scrooge's grave.

Oh. We get it. THE POINTER has spotted his mate. His pointing finger is meant to transmit the unspoken message: "I'm only in here because she's in here and I don't need any attention from you."

He cannot be bothered to politely reply verbally, "Oh, thanks for asking, but I'm actually just meeting my wife in here."

Plus, he makes his wife feel pressured by following her around, so she cuts her browsing short and doesn't buy much, if anything.

Technically, he's not a CUSTOMER but he really SUCKS.

[fish3k1]

Hope this one hasn't been added already (although in 25 pages worth it probably has in one form or another)

The Doctor: Customer is convinced that their tiny car is in fact the TARDIS. I work in the warehouse section of my store bringing people large items which are too bit to have on shop floor. Quite often someone will buy an innocuously named item like, oh I don't know, a giant slide which, one might reasonanly assume, will come in an appropriately sized box.

It's part of my job to ask in these instances the size of the customer's car, and the Doctor will always reply "Don't worry, it'll fit" even after I explain I can STAND in the box with room on every side. These people are typically driving Ford Ka or similar sized car. After retrieving said Giant Slide for customer, upon seeing the box there are two possible reactions.

a) "Ooh, that's a big box." YOU THINK? And I have to take it back into the warehouse, then sort out delayed pick-up paperwork, wasting god knows how much time and usually causing a queue to form.

b) Customer attempts to fit the item anyway, fails, brings it back into the store. And I have to take it back into the warehouse, then sort out delayed pick-up paperwork, wasting god knows how much time and usually causing a queue to form.

[IvorTangrean]

Contractors, in my store they come in a few types.

The Know it all: They have been installing for years and have the attitude to prove it. The best part is that often they are unframilliar with our products and get the wrong stuff, but they know better than us, after all we are just retail people.

The How are you still alive: They have been installing for years and only God knows why they are not in the Darwin awards. They are dumb as a brick and do dangerous jobs. I even had one of these show up at my other job, I asked my boss why they hired him. He was not sure anymore.

The DIY: They are doing some renos on thier home and figure this is not too hard I could do this for a living. Not realizing that they bought $60 equipment and the pros use $600 gear.

The Contractor EW: Worse than the regular EW these people have a department devoted to making them happy, so it really pisses them off when they don't get it all the time.

[Dips]

Unlike the regular Button Monkey (see up thread) who repeatedly pushes redial instead of leaving a message, this specimen is trying to reach a specific person, Eugene.

If someone else picks up the phone, this person will hang up without a word and hit the redial button. This pattern will be repeated until Eugene either happens to pick up or the ELBM stops expecting different results.

The ELBM can be a major nuisance on Eugene's day off.

[Rattslinger]

Machine Gun Kelly: Male or Female assistant/secretary who has the speech of a Speed Freak on a four day binge. Speech pattern usually consists of tripping over their own words, asking the same question three or four times, and getting upset when you ask them to repeat themselves.

Are You New Orderer: The person who has been ordering the exact same item and amount from your company every week for ten to twenty years, yet still doesn't know anything about the order. IE: I've been ordering boxes of widgets from you for thirteen years, so how many come in each box?