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purplecat41877 12-19-2009 07:18 AM

The Customer Complaint Letter Game
In this game, you get to play the part of an annoyed customer and write a letter to management. The person below will play the part of the manager and respond to the letter and write a customer letter for the person below them.:D

Dear Mr. Manager,

I was in your store today and your employees have the worst customer service ever. I asked the supervisor if there was anyone who could open another register and she told me there was no one available. I requested that she open another register and she told me that she needed to keep an eye on the employees. I've already waited in line for twenty minutes and I do tons of business with you since I'm in the store all the time. I'm a very important customer and I shouldn't have to wait in line. If it happens again, I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Customer

Lace Neil Singer 12-19-2009 08:03 PM

I'm going to assume that sarcasm is allowed, tho obviously not actual rudeness. XD

Dear Mrs Customer,

I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience; however, the lack of collegues was due entirely to the blizzard that enveloped this part of the country. We may be able to control many things within the store, but we can't control the weather. Sorry, and hope you will continue to shop here.


Manager With Spine.

Dear Ms Manager,

I am utterly appalled at the terrible service I received at your restaurant yesterday. My son wanted waffles and your waitress refused to serve them to him, giving the pathetic excuse of them not being on the menu. I am of course a very important person with an art degree and I demand that the waitress be fired, that you send me a grovelling apology and your first born son, and also a $1000 gift card.


Mrs Speshul Snowflake

JustaCashier 12-19-2009 10:22 PM

Mrs Speshul Snowflake,

I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience at our establishment.

However, not only do we not have waffles on our menu, you may have noticed that we don't have any breakfast items at all on our menu.

Perhaps your first clue should have been that we don't open up until 11:00 a.m. a common opening time for restaurants that only serve lunch and dinner.

Your second clue should have been, the name of our restaurant. "Casa del Enchilada". You see, we are a Mexican restaurant, that does not offer any type of American cuisine. (Okay, maybe that should have been your first clue.)

As to your requests for compensation: My first born son? You got him! All you need to do is pick him up outside the gates of the State Prison on Tuesday! He's due to be released at 10:00 a.m. The timing of your request couldn't be better! We were so fearful he'd end up back on our doorstep!

He's 25 years old, and being released after serving the full five years of his sentence for Robbery, Burglary, and Aggravated Assault. We, his own family were amongst his victims. We tried our best to bring him up right, but there's just something wrong in his head. He's been a terrible embarrassment to my Husband, Myself, and our entire Family.

He ended up serving that full sentence, and did not get an early release for good behavior because, well, he didn't behave good in Prison. The Warden said he was one of their most troublesome Inmates. The Prison Shrink didn't merely say he'd be likely to re-offend. No. The Shrink put it as he would unlikely to not re-offend.

As far as your other two demands? No.

And fire the Waitress? No to that too. You see, this is a family owned and run establishment. The Waitress is my 93 year old Mother. She truly feels bad when she can't fulfill a Customer's request, and your reaction and attitude kept her awake with worry for an entire week, that she had let a Customer down!

Ms. Manager


Dear Sir/Ma'am,

My wife and I recently stayed at your Hotel, six months ago.

It was a most unpleasant experience. Every evening, during our entire two week stay, the people in one of the neighboring rooms partied loudly until the early hours of the next day.

Upon checking out, my Wife had me mention it to the Desk Clerk. He said something about being "very sorry" to hear that, and asked, (while he was fiddling with the computer, my Wife thought he was probably looking at porn or something) what response we had been given upon calling to to complain of these incidents. I replied that we hadn't called down, he said something about the computer confirming there had no complaints registered, according to our "Room Account".

My Wife told me to tell him that we shouldn't have had to call down. She We thought the Hotel should have just made sure the other Guests would remain reasonably quiet.

My Wife had me demand a full refund, but the Desk Clerk said "Im terribly sorry, but I'm only authorized to give a 5% maximum discount to our valued Guests when they find their experience to be less than stellar". My Wife thought he was incredibely rude!

He asked if we'd like to talk to the Manager, and I turned to my Wife and asked her, but by now she was in tears, and she said to the Desk Clerk "No, don't bother! YOU have ruined our entire vacation!

My poor, dear, Wife has been terribly distraught since this most unpleasant experience. So, She is We are renewing our demand for a full refund, Plus a complimentary two weeks for a future visit. During your City's huge Summer Festival is when we will be needing this.

We don't think we are being unreasonable, as we are very regular customers. Besides our most recent visits, we stayed there in 1985, and 1968.


I.M. Wipped


Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-19-2009 11:13 PM

Dear Mr. Wipped:

We are very sorry to hear of your recent experience at our hotel. We certainly would've addressed the loud partiers had we been informed of them.

But now that you mention it, it is very possible our desk clerk was looking at porn on our computer. He apparently is into bestiality. We will deal with this as well.

Hotel Manager

================================================== ================

Dear Random Krap-Mart Corporate Suit:

I recently bought a clock radio at your store. Well, I guess I could have bought it at Wal-Mart. Or the Clearance Swamp. I'm not exactly sure, because I lost the receipt. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I bought it at Krap-Mart, because I shop there frequently and spend lots of money there. So that makes me a good customer.

I had to return the clock radio because it stopped working after I chucked it against the wall one morning to shut the alarm off. The clerk behind the service desk was extremely rude and wouldn't take it back because I didn't have the receipt. Who keeps receipts anyway these days?

I begged and pleaded for the service desk clerk to take back the clock radio and give me my refund, nicely of course. She wouldn't budge. I kept pleading my case, but then she said to me "Cram it, sunshine!"

I was so astonished I threw the clock radio at the clerk's head and stomped out.

Fire the service desk clerk and give me at least $100 in gift cards. Or else I will never shop at Krap-Mart ever again. You have my word on that as an extremely dissatisfied customer.

I.B Pissed

Lace Neil Singer 12-19-2009 11:57 PM

Dear I.B Pissed,

Thank you so much for getting in touch with us in such a timely manner. You see, we had no idea where to send the police after we naturally called them to report you for assault, and now we do. Rest assured you will receive full bed and board at the expense of the state to compensate you.


Cool Mananger.

Dear Manager of Blue Stripy Supermarket,

I was utterly disgusted when I arrived at your store on Christmas Day to do a little shopping, only to find that it was closed! I had run out of milk and I had to go without milk in my tea for two whole days. Please can you send me a 1000 gift card, plus a full apology for this outrage.


Mrs Whinger.

BookstoreEscapee 12-20-2009 01:03 AM

"timely manner" ...ha! :p

Dear Mrs. Whinger,

Please accept our condolences on your lack of family and friends to spend the holiday with. Next year, get your milk on Christmas Eve. Because we value your business so very much, we will be shipping a very large gift card, weighing 1000 pounds, just as you requested.

Head Supermarket Elf

Dear Company,

I was recently in your store and the cashier was very very rude. I was in a hurry, and she would not let me cut in front of the twenty other people on line. She told me I would have to wait. Please fire her, as this is completely unacceptable.

IM Spechal

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-20-2009 01:51 AM

Dear Spechal:

Thank you for your letter. How did you know we were out of toilet paper?

================================================== ================
Dear Makers of Tiger Balm:

I ate an entire tin your product, and it burned everything below my chin clean off! You need to put a warning on your packaging telling people not to take it orally.


Ima Soo Yoo

Lace Neil Singer 12-20-2009 01:36 PM

Dear Ima Soo Yoo,

If you look very carefully with a microscope, you will see that the small print warns that product is not to be taken internally. May I suggest going back to school in order to learn what the word "internally" means? I think it would be very useful.


Tony Tiger.

Dear Local Manager of McDonalds,

Yesterday, I took my daughter to your establishment for her birthday treat. I purchased a Happy Meal for her, and a salad for myself. My daughter informed me that the toy that was in her Happy Meal was one she already had, so I went up to the counter to exchange it. The boy we talked to, one "Laurie" as his name badge stated, refused to do so. I was utterly disgusted. How could he be so cruel to a little girl like that? I demand that he be fired, and that my daughter be amply compensated for having her birthday completely ruined.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Pushy Mother.

ralerin 12-21-2009 01:51 AM

Dear Mrs. Mother,

The reason why "Laurie" refused to exchange the toy, is because that is the only one left in stock. We will also most assuredly speak to "Laurie", as he is my son, and he has these fantasies of becoming a woman. "Laurie" is actually "Kevin". Thank you for bringing this to my attention. He will be dealt with as swiftly as possible.


Mr. Manager.


Dear "Rite-Green-VS" Pharmacist,

I am a 72 year old woman who is absolutely outraged at the treatment I received at your pharmacy. I had to double park in the firelane because some idiot stole MY usual parking spot, the one next to the door with the handicapped symbol painted on the wall in front! I threw my empty bottle at the pharmacy tech behind the counter, who was playing with that stupid computer, and DEMANDED of her to fill my pills THIS INSTANT. The next thing I know, I was being carted out the door in handcuffs with some hideous looking lady cop telling me my rights! What right do you have to treat a 72 year old woman this way? I have a cane! I deserve some respect!

I demand compensation in the form of an immediate $10,000 gift card, the $2,500 it took to secure my bond and pay my parking ticket and free prescriptions for the rest of my life. If that pharmacist wasn't playing on the computer I would not have thrown my pill bottle at her! If you do not give me what I want, I will take my business away from your establishment!

Horribly yours,

Mrs. Ima Hagg

reirei 12-21-2009 03:51 AM

Dear Mrs. Hagg,

We would sincerely like to thank you for the video footage of your arrest. It has become quite the hit during break time and pharmacy holiday parties. One of our interns even created a musical score for it in his spare time.

We hope your upcoming court proceedings go well, and justice is served. Please keep in mind we will be very happy to let the prison health care officials know of your various prescriptions.

Happy Holidays!

Dearest regards,

the pharmacy team

Dear Retail Store Manager,

I was simply trying to buy a new tee-shirt the other day when I was informed that the area with woman's tees was off limits due to damage from a fire. When I tried to make my way to the tee shirts, I was stopped not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!! Then they told I had to leave that section of the store! When I made my displeasure of this known, they had security KICK ME OUT! And when I tried to re-enter the store they threatened to call the police! I will have you know that I have been shopping at your store for FIFTEEN YEARS and now will never again do so.

I might be swayed however, with a $1,000 gift card and a written apology.


Canna Readsigns

Lace Neil Singer 12-21-2009 07:06 PM

Dear Ms Readsigns,

Since the store ended up burning completely to the ground, I'm afraid we can't give you the pound of flesh you want. However, feel free to come and loot the burned out husk of our store; tho you'll be hard pressed to get anything after our dispossessed staff have been there.


Transferred To Another Branch

Dear Pet Store Manager,

I went into your store today with my mischievious twin boys. Since I had other shopping to attend to in the mall, I left my sons in your store so they could look at the animals while I shopped. I was incensed when there came over the mall tannoy an announcement asking me to return to your store to collect my sons. I have never been so humiliated in all my life, and I demand a gift card or I will never shop in your store again.


Ima Badmother.

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-21-2009 07:19 PM

Dear Badmother:

Thank you for informing us of your issue, and for providing us your address to send the giftcard to. CPS is on their way.

Pet Store Corporate Drone #4F2-917GK

================================================== ================

Dear Shameless Peddlers of Filth:

When reading your magazines, I do not notice one wrinkled face, liver spot, or toothless grin. You perverts ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

To the people of Cosmopolitan Magazine, from some crotchety old fart

Lace Neil Singer 12-21-2009 07:39 PM

Dear Crotchety Old Fart,

You must have not noticed the GILF magazines that our sister company provides; in order to correct this gaping error, I am sending you our latest issue along with a year's prescription. Enjoy.

Yours Sincerely,

Cosmopolitan Magazine

Dear Pizza Place,

I noticed that one of the workers in the shop has blue hair. This is disgraceful and I am quite shocked. Please do something about this at once.


Mr Oldgit.

Ironclad Alibi 12-21-2009 10:16 PM

Dear Mr. Oldgit,

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have taken steps to ensure all of our employees have the regulation blue hair according to our corporate standards.

Blue Hair Pizza Shop Manager.


Dear Lions Club President,

I paid $5 to attend your fund raising Bazaar last week. I did not not see a single lion in the entire show. I feel ripped off. I want a full refund.

A. Nitpicker

Lace Neil Singer 12-21-2009 10:45 PM

Dear Mr Nitpicker,

We have asked Simba, the lion president of our club if he would consider refunding your money; he growled at us and attempted to eat us. So I'm afraid the answer must be no. Note also that our club is a club for lions, not a lion show, so there was no false advertising. If you wish to dispute this, please feel free to come and speak to Simba in person. He would love to meet you.


Human President Of Lions Club

Dear Supermarket manager,

I demand that you play Christian music instore instead of that dreadful Christmas popular music you insist on playing. By doing so, you are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Yours sincerely,

Moaning Minnie.

ralerin 12-22-2009 02:20 AM


Quoth Lace Neil Singer (Post 663296)
Since the store ended up burning completely to the ground, I'm afraid we can't give you the pound of flesh you want.

Off topic for 2 seconds, but Merchant of Venice ftw?

Back on topic.

Dear Ms. Minnie,

We apologize, but most of our staff is Pagan or Satanist and I am Jewish. We do not appreciate you stomping on OUR rights to enjoy OUR holidays. Christmas is based on several pagan solar day festivals, such as Saturnalia, Yuletide and the birth of Mithras on December 25. Due to the lack of suitable pagan songs for the occasion, we have to make do with what we have. If you are still not satisfied, we have earplugs in aisle 12, or several CDs of lovely music by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, along with CD players and batteries, in aisle 24.

Happy Hanukah and Blessed Solstice,

Chaim David.


Dear Burger Hut,

I find your slogan, "Coz it's there" to be highly offensive. As both a popular author and renowned teacher at Big Honking University, the spelling of the word "Coz" to annoy my delicate sensitivities. The phrase should be "Because it's there" to be grammatically correct. I wish for this glaring typo to be fixed or I will advertise a chain wide boycott on my blog, Facebook and Twitter pages.

With warm regards,

John Derriere

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-22-2009 02:30 AM

Dear Mr. Derriere:

Thank you for bringing this error to our attention. To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

Burger The Hut

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Dear Big Stu's House of Clothes N' Stuff:

I bought a powder blue tuxedo from you in 1977. I went to put the tuxedo on this evening, because it's Prime Rib night at the supper club and I wanted to wear something special, and the pants split right in the seat!

"One Size Fits All" my butt! I may have gained about 60 pounds since I last wore that tuxedo, but that does not excuse you from selling an obviously defective product.

Gimme a refund for the tuxedo since I cannot wear it anymore, and store credit or else I'll take my business to The Plaid Palace from now on.

Hubert Jass

XCashier 12-22-2009 10:36 AM


Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh (Post 663491)
To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

Idiocracy FTW! :D

Dear Mr. Jass,

Regarding your request: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


And good luck taking your business to the Plaid Palace, as they closed down in 1985.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Big Stu

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Shop Mart,

I was in your store yesterday, waiting in line to buy a cartful of stuff, when the customer in front of me grabbed his chest, gasped and slumped to the floor. Several employees and managers swarmed all around him, making calls on the cellphone and pumping his chest. Fifteen minutes later, two paramedics had put him on a stretcher and wheeled him out of the store.

Meanwhile, I was ignored! I am a loyal customer of two months, waiting to purchase lots of things, and I was pushed aside for you to tend to that drama queen! How dare you ignore a paying customer!

I am outraged at your insensitivity, and I won't return to your store unless you give me a $10,000 gift card and free gasoline for a year.

Ann Titlement-Whore

Gibbo 12-22-2009 01:33 PM

Dear Mrs Titlement-Whore

I'm sorry that you think that you feel that you were inconvenienced in this way and that you think that your shopping is more important than trying to prevent the death of our other paying customers.

After consideration I have decided that there is no way in hell that I am going to give you, who thinks that it was insensitive to attend to someone in distress rather than treat you like the princess that you are, what you want. So clear off somewhere else.

Shop Mart

Dear Superstore Manager

I attended your closing down sale and was outraged to discover that everything was ONLY 60% off! When a store closes you should pass it on to your customers! Yes I along with many others stopped attending your store to go to the cheaper competitors store down the road several years ago, but when we found out you were closing we came here to see what bargains we could pick up on the cheap, and we were all angry to discover that even when you are closing forever, you still weren't prepared to put your customers first at the expense of everything else.

I demand a full apology for the distress this caused me or I will never shop with you again, and I mean it!


A. Skinflint.

hinakiba777 12-22-2009 07:24 PM

Dear Skinflint,

Before I address your concerns I have a few of my own. Primarily, how the hell did you get my home address?

The store closed down three months ago, with all new mail being delivered to corporate, yet I wake up to find this among my Holiday cards. I'm actually quite scared at the moment.

It truly saddens me to hear you will not be shopping at our store anymore. Almost as much as it saddens me that no one will be shopping at our store anymore. As it has been closed, for three months.

Thank you for your completely empty threat;
Ms. Manager

To the management of Belle's Gowns and Dresses;

The other day I went to your store to purchase a size 9 ballgown to wear to my sister's holiday party. I was shocked to find that NONE of your size 9 dresses fit.

I demanded the sales girl search the store for a size 9 that would fit me, and she has the audacity to tell me to try on a size 11. ELEVEN

I am not some bloated cow who doesn't know how to put away the fork when she sees a slice of cake, no matter what the snotty brats you employ may think. I have never been so hurt in all my life.

I demand a full apology in the form for a minute long TV spot during the Super Bowl, a $100,000,000 gift certificate, the immediate extermination of that horrible sales girl, and a lovely size 9 gown for free. And this one had better fit.

My brother's wife's best friend's hairdresser knows the secretary of the biggest law firm in town. If you don't give into my totally reasonable demands, I will sue you for everything you are worth.

Suevera Huffy

Lace Neil Singer 12-22-2009 09:46 PM

Dear Ms Huffy,

Enclosed is a size 9 tag, a needle and a reel of cotton. Please feel free to sew the tag into whichever size dress you choose to purchase. I trust that is satisfactory.


Mrs Manager.

Dear Card Shop Manager,

I bought my son a helium balloon from your store. When we went outside, he let go the string and the balloon went into the sky. Your shop assistant was very rude and would not give us a free balloon to replace the one that was lost. I hope she's satisfied; she has ruined my son's entire life and he will require years of therapy due to this incident. I demand that you fire this witch or I will sue you for everything you have.

Yours sincerely,

Helle Copterparent.


Quoth ralerin (Post 663486)
Off topic for 2 seconds, but Merchant of Venice ftw?

Shakespeare is always ftw. XD

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-22-2009 10:34 PM

Dear Helle:

I live in a cardboard box. Your threat does not scare me in any way.

Card Shop Manager, who must've been downsized but hasn't been informed of this yet.

================================================== ================

Dear Shop Mart:

I was in your store the other day buying some last-minute Hanukkah gifts, and the putz checking me out told me "Merry Christmas."

Oy gevalt! I was buying a Jenga game and an MP3 player! How could she not know I'm Jewish.

What a schlemiel she your cashier is! I demand you fire her! Now I'm all verklempt!

Hymen Hyman

rageaholic 12-23-2009 05:35 AM

(This looks like fun)

Dear Mr Hymen Hymen,

Since you seem so offended at the idea of someone wishing you a Merry Christmas, than have a crappy Christmas and a shitty new year.

Sincerely, Shop Mart Manager.

Dear Gas Mart

Three months ago when I was on vacation in Las Vegas, I bought a bag of chips worth 99 cents with a dollar bill at your store and the clerk never offered my one penny in change. I demand that my change be airmailed back to my home across the state or I will make sure to never set foot in your store again.

Signed, Jack Kass.

fireheart 12-23-2009 11:26 AM

Dear Mr. Kass,

See this stamp on the top of your envelope? That is your one penny. Now please go and donate that same penny to a child who could use it.

Sincerely, Gas Mart Peon.

Dear Large Supermarket,

I was at the checkout the other day and the person who served me wore a Muslim headscarf and was offended at having to touch pork! I demand that you fire or place her out of sight as we are a Christian nation and no Muslim person should be allowed to work at a checkout...


Miss Ray Cist.

rageaholic 12-23-2009 03:54 PM

Miss Cist,

You may want to re read your bible, particularly the part about loving your neighbor. I don't think Jesus would condone firing a cashier of a different faith.

Sincerely, a non Christian Manager.

PS: Are you going to demand my termination now that I said I wasn't Christian?

Dear Burger King.

I went to your restaurant to purchase a Whopper. Everyone laughed at me! When the manager came, he told me they don't serve whoppers there, saying something about a "big mac". I demand that everyone of your employees at that restaurant be fired for their rude behavior! Since when do they stop serving whoppers?

Yours truely,

Moe Ron.

(Can you guess what happened to this guy?)

Lace Neil Singer 12-23-2009 09:48 PM

Dear Mr Ron,

I believe your problem could be solved if you'd gone to the opticions before heading off to purchase fast food. A new pair of glasses could solve the problem you had when you mistook McDonalds for Burger King .

Yours sincerely,

Mr Manager.

Dear Crapmart Manager,

I went to buy cigarettes at the kiosk today and the girl had the nerve to ask me for ID. I am sure that she only asked me for ID cuz I'm black. I demand that this racist clerk be fired at once.


Ms Racecardpuller.

Gibbo 12-23-2009 11:50 PM

Dear Ms. Racecardpuller,

if you look under 25 our staff have to ask. It's the same whether you are white, black or blue with pink spots. I regret to have to inform you that on this occasion your race card has been declined.

Yours sincerely,
Crapmart Manager

Dear Manager,

I had come out of the post office when I saw one of your employees across the street, so I went over to him to ask him about one of the promotions that you are doing. Before I had finished talking to him a car pulled up and he got inside. I informed him that I hadn't finished and wanted more information he said that he had to go as he was going to a funeral.

How dare he think that anything is more important than talking to his customers! He clearly doesn't know anything about customer service so he should be fired and I should receive a 500 gift voucher for my inconvenience.


A.N. Idiot.

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-25-2009 02:23 AM

Dear Idiot:

Thank you for informing us of your issue. Rest assured, we have addressed it to your satisfaction. We dragged that particular employee's direct manager out of his office and beat him to death. The funeral is Tuesday.

Some Suit

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Dear Fun-O-Rama Toys:

I recently purchased one of your Really Really Flatulent Man action figures for my son. Like many young boys, he is into all those super heroes with the punching and the kicking and the pulling of the hair and the blaster rays and all that.

My son thought the action figure would make him fly, so he climbed up to the third-floor balcony, held the action figure over his head, and jumped off. He's dead now.

Give me a coupon for a free toy of my choice and put warnings on the action figures telling people they will not make them fly, or else I will sue you back to the stone age.

N.O. Brain

blas 12-25-2009 06:04 AM

Dear No Brain,

We have much sympathy for your loss. However, we cannot be held responsible for your son's belief that he and the toy could fly, as being a parent requires you to monitor and teach your son. We sincerely hope that you never yourself insinuated that humans can fly.

Dear Lubes And Leaks,

I went to your station to have my oil changed because I'm new in town. The tech had the nerve to tell me that I needed to take better care of getting my oil changed, because the engine was smoking when I rolled the car in and the little oil that was in there was black and sticky.

They then proceeded to make me feel like an idiot by trying to recommend a transmission flush, because my fluid was darker than a super plus tampon on day 5 of my period. I told them I hadn't a clue that there was fluid for that, and how dare they try to upsell when all I want is an oil change!

Because I'm cheap and stubborn, all I wanted was the "Quick and Wet" package, where they just change your oil and check your fluids. I think they should top them off or flush them for free!

Now, a year later, my car doesn't run.

I demand a new car from Lubes and Leaks!

Ridin The Cotton Pony

DGoddessChardonnay 12-26-2009 09:56 PM

Dear Ms Pony-

I'm sorry to hear of the bad experience you had with us. However upon an investigation of the incident you described, we've determined that the cause of the demise of your vehicle is not with any fault on the part of our employees and is, in fact, due to a PEBSAS error.

To be more precise, Problem Exists Between Steering wheel and Seat.

Might we suggest taking public transportation from now on, as we are at liberty to contact every automotive dealer within a 100 mile radius and have you placed on the "Do Not Sell To " list.


G.E.T. Bent
VP - Lubes and Leaks Corporate Office


Dear Garden of Eden Toys-

I was recently in your store in Doucheville on 12-24 and was not able to find the Strawberry Licorice flavored lube cream, nor was I able to find the matching body spray. Your salesperson was most unhelpful, simply shrugging her hairy shoulders and saying "Well, it's Christmas Eve and we've sold out."

Not acceptable. I wanted the Strawberry Licorice cream specifically 'cause it's the one flavor that doesn't leave an aftertaste and it's the only one my partner likes. So now my Christmas is ruined and I've had to go without any from my partner. Not even the John Holmes Footlong vibrating toy could get me out of my mood . . .

I demand as compensation a truckload of the strawberry licorice cream, a $1,000,000 gift card, a spot on the Board of Directors and also your retirment pension. And if I don't get what I want, I'll tell everybody on Facebook and MySpace not to shop at your stores.

Miss B. N. Laid . . .

Sunsetsky 12-27-2009 02:14 AM

(I'm laughing so hard from the letter that I have tears falling down my face.)

Dear Miss B. N. Laid,

We apologize for the lack of sex received on Christmas. I also like to point out that your husband would not have wanted to sleep with you on that night because he was with me all night. For your inconvenience I will be mailing you the divorce papers from your husband and you will never have to worry about there not being any more...uh...Strawberry Licorice flavored lube cream.

The Store Manager

************************************************** ************

Dear Vet Hospital,

I went to get medication for my kitty at your clinic. Since I had not called I was informed that I would have to actually wait because they were busy with the 50 other people in the lobby. I had to wait an entire ten minutes to get my medication. And to make things worse your receptionist would not make the other clients take their dogs outside. I had to actually look at those slobbering mangy creatures while I waited! I demand that you compensate me with a $100 gift card and make dog owners wait outside in the -15 degree weather when I come in from now on.

Anita Meds

Lace Neil Singer 12-27-2009 07:04 PM

Dear Mrs Meds,

Thank you for your letter. However, I discussed this issue with my little Snookums; a pure bred Shitzu. He showed quite clearly that he disapproves of your demands and that he wished you to be barred from the clinic. I am quite happy to carry out his wishes, as I do in fact walk Snookums with many of the dog owners you insulted. Therefore, I prefer to take their side over yours.

Have a nice day,

Top Vet

Dear Crapmart Manager,

I came to the door at just five minutes past closing time. Imagine my horror when the jumped up bitch of a shop assistant refused to let me in. She should realise that it's customers like myself who pay her wages and quit giving out such terrible customer service. There were loads of customers inside, so I really don't understand why it was too much to ask for her to let me in as all I wanted was milk for my babies. I would like a gift card, or else I will never shop in your store again.

Yours sincerely,

I. Cantelltime.

purplecat41877 12-27-2009 08:56 PM

Dear Cantelltime,

Our store policy states that no customers are allowed in after closing under any circumstances. The reason for this is because someone got in after closing, broke into the cash room, and stole all the money from the tills. Also, the customers that were in the store came before closing time. Therefore, your request for a gift card is denied.


Store Manager

Dear Ms. Manager,

I was in your store today and your employee Alicia was very rude to me. I requested that she help me find something I needed and she told me that she was off the clock and tried to pass me off to another employee. I told her that I was a mystery shopper and I didn't tolerate her rudeness. I want you to talk to Alicia about the importance of customer service and I will be mentioning her rude behavior in my mystery shopper report.


Miss Terry Shopper

MannersMakethMan 12-28-2009 10:50 PM

Dear Miss Terry Shopper,

Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, we were closed today for defumigation, and we do not have, nor have we ever had, anyone called Alicia in our employment. Your letter wasn't a complete waste though, since I was out of kindling for my fire.

Sincerely Yours,

Mr. Manager (no relation)

Dear Head Office,

I was in your shop the other day, and was simply outraged by the level of service I received. I had just found my new perfect 10000 television, when I noticed a small dent in the box caused by me picking it up. Naturally, I asked for a 99.9% discount, which I'm sure you'll agree is reasonable given the condition, only to be flatly refused. Now I'm a reasonable man, and would have settled for 99.8% off, but there wasn't even an attempt at a compromise by the underlings in this store, except for a derisory 5% offer. I demand you fire them all, and send me the contents of your warehouse in compensation.

Kind Regards,

Honour Creditt-Cardagain.

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-28-2009 11:45 PM

Dear Credit-Cardagain:

I would like to apologize for the rude treatment your received in our store, and promise we will deliver to you the contents of our warehouse.

However, all our delivery trucks are currently in the shop, so we've contracted with the United States Air Force to have everything airlifted by cargo transport planes and dropped in the general vicinity of your residence. So unfortunately our aim may be off a few times. However, a good many items should hit their target exactly. Hope your roof is sturdy.

Head Office

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Dear Pet Shop:

You sold my brother a snake, and he ate my hamster! Give me whatever animal it is that eats snakes.

Go to hell,
Ima Bratt

Lace Neil Singer 12-29-2009 12:11 AM

Dear Ima Bratt,

Sending you a crocodile. Either he eats your brother's snake, or he eats you. Either suits me.


Pet Shop Drone.

Dear Meat Feast Steakhouse Manager,

I went to your restaurant and was appalled to find that you had only two vegetarian options. This is disgraceful; you should have an entire menu devoted to the more healthy and less cruel vegetarian lifestyle. I demand that you do this, or else I will boycott your restaurant and so will all my friends, my friends' families and my friends' families' tennis partners.

Yours annoyedly,

Peta Member. (Ms)

DGoddessChardonnay 12-29-2009 10:30 PM

Dear Ms Peta Member-

We're sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction during your visit to our restuarant. We strive to satisfy all of our patrons and try our best to meet various dietary needs and/or preferences.

However, that being said, our primary clientele prefers a meat-based menu. We already have several items on our menu already that should satisfy the vegan/vegetarian preferences.

Or better yet . . . have a cow on me, which should be delivered via Ralph's Livestock Services within the next 7 to 10 business days.

Mabel MouMou (pronounced Moo-Moo)
Regional VP

Dear Pansy's Petite Palace-

I was visiting your store in Dumbasse, VA last Monday (12-21-09) and was appalled at the lack of clothing sizes for taller persons.

Being a taller person (6'2") I could not find a single thing to wear in your store. This is unacceptable and redeculous. I demand you start selling clothes for taller peoples.

Besides, your salespeople are rude as Hell . . . some pock-faced kid named Sheila (if that's in fact her real name) rolled her eyes at me and told me to go to the Tall Shop across the mall. I don't wanna walk all that way and want to buy clothes for me while I'm there . . .

At least with short people they can buy longer clothes and hem them up.

I want a $25000 gift card, an official letter of apology from "Sheila" (I'm still not sure if that's her real name or just some alias she made up) and I want at least 20% of your company's stock. And if I don't get any of that, then I'm gonna report you to the news media, the BBB and the Department of Justice.


Ida Totalloon

rageaholic 12-30-2009 05:41 AM

Dear Mrs totalloon,

It looks like you've found us out. You see, "Shelia" is a very valuable asset to us who is wanted by many terrorist groups and international spies. If her cover is blown, we could be looking at a code red national emergancy. Therefore, in order to make sure you don't blow her cover, we will comply with your demands. However, don't be surprised if we need your assistance with future missions.

Signed, Chuck Bartoski.

Dear Colgate,

I bought your colgate toothpaste, the one with tarter control, and it made me feel like a piece of shit!

Signed, Danny Tourettes.

Lace Neil Singer 12-30-2009 09:54 AM

Dear Mr Tourettes,

I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience with us. Please accept a lorry load of Colgate on us.

Yours sincerely,


Dear Petrol Station Manager,

Picture the scene. It's New Year's Eve, and I'm on my way to a party. I decide to stop over on the way to the local petrol station to fill my car. Imagine my horror when I see that the entrance is blocked off with cones. It's only seven o'clock! I then drive round to the back entrance. I try to use a pump, but it's locked up. I can see the employees thru the window in the shop, so they're obviously still working. Besides, everyone knows that shop assistants don't have lives. I try and get their attention by getting out my car and banging on the window, but they ignore me. This is disgraceful! I demand that the employees be punished for closing up so early, and also I should get free petrol for the whole of next year.


Mr. Robin Meeblind

Sarlon 01-02-2010 12:23 AM

Dear Mr Meeblind,
I am VERY sorry to hear of your troubles...seems that a lack of planning on your part is affecting my own employees personal time. I will personally make sure that they fill your gas for the whole part of next year...PLEASE make sure to come around on tuesdays. Also known as "all you can eat bean buffet" day at the mexican restruant next door.

kindly yours, Manager.


Dear big box store

I went into your store at 10pm christmas eve looking for a Wii, and was shocked and APPALED to find that not only were you sold out, but was so RUDELY informed that you were closing! I DEMAND that you not only give me 20 free Wiis but also a $25,000 gift card for my troubles and for RUINING my christmas or I'll boycott your store and tell all my friends on my myspace AND facebook!

Emerald Whittiker

rageaholic 01-02-2010 05:28 AM

Dear Mr Whittiker,

Have you ever seen the movie "Jingle all the Way" staring Arnold Schwarzenegger? This movie might enlighten you as to why you don't want to do your Christmas shopping for the hottest gifts on Christmas Eve, especially at 10:00pm.

I'm not going to give you any Wii's or gift card, but I will give you the movie. It didn't do so well in the box office, but I thought it was funny. You might find it educational.

Sincerely, smart ass manager.

To mini mart

Your clerk was very rude to me after I had purchased a scratch off lottery ticket from your store in losersville. I specifically asked him for the winning ticket worth $100,000 but the ticket he gave me was a losing ticket! As if that wasn't bad enough, when I went to return it to get my money back, he laughed at me! He made me feel like it was my fault when it was him who didn't give me the right ticket.

I demand that clerk be fired, and I also demand that I get the winning ticket worth $100,000. If I don't get what I payed for, I will post my complaint on every consumer complaint website and let the world know what kind of fraud you run.

Louis Sir,

purplecat41877 01-03-2010 04:17 AM

Dear Mr. Sir,

I apologize for the clerk laughing at you for requesting a return on your lottery ticket. I will take care of that situation. Also, when you buy scratch offs, you're gambling which means that no one knows where the winning ticket is. Our store policy is that we're not allowed to refund lottery tickets when they lose so the money you spent on the ticket went down the drain.


Store Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I saw a young man at the register with his light off so I went over there, put my stuff on the belt, and he had the nerve to tell me he was closed. I told him that I wasn't moving and he had to ring me up. A supervisor came over and told me that he was leaving since he was a minor and couldn't work past a certain time. I find this unacceptable and demand that you force all your employees to be available for all hours that your store is open and fire the ones that can't.


Shopping Queen

Lace Neil Singer 01-04-2010 06:19 PM

Dear Shopping Queen,

That young man you bitched at is my son. As a result, you are banned from every one of our stores.

Good Day.

Supermarket Manager.

Dear Restaurant Owner,

I went into your restaurant and was incensed to see a group of your waitstaff sitting at a table eating dinner. How dare they when there are customers waiting to be served? I had to wait a whole minute before someone came to seat me, and then another minute before I got some service. I demand you talk to your staff and teach them some respect for those who pay their wages, ie myself and other customers.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs I M Speshul.

XCashier 01-05-2010 12:37 AM

Dear Mrs. Speshul,

Wow, I am impressed! It sounds like you know so much about customer service, and how a business should be run. I am willing to offer you a full time job, as a server. We'll play along to your rules, though: No dinner or any other breaks during your shift, and you must approach all customers within a millisecond. Oh, and you'll be working open-close, seven days a week.

I look forward to seeing how well you do!


Restaurant Owner

Deer Manujur,

I wuz att yore storr yestiday an I neded a baffroom. I aksed teh emmploii annd hee sed rite ovur theyr undur teh siyn taht sed Restrooms. Wel I caint reed annd I doeznt theenk itz rite 2 maek yore cuztmers haff 2 reed! I wanna millin dollas 4 mah trubble!

L. Itterate

DGoddessChardonnay 01-05-2010 12:59 AM

Dear Mr. L. Itterate-

I'm sorry to hear you had so much difficulty. I'm sending to you a beginner's reader book . . . Read With Dick and Jane.

And also a Webster's Dictionary. Please accept with our warmest regards-

Ms. Speekenspell Wright
Regional VP

Dear FoodMart . .

I was in your store on Christmas Eve and was told you were closing. NOT FAIR . . . I wasn't even done with my shopping yet and now because you dared to close at 5:58 pm (which is what my watch said, while your employee said it was after 6)

I still had to get all my dinner stuff for the 90 relatives that are staying with me for the holidays, so we ended up having to starve with NO CHRISTMAS DINNER because I couldn't come in and get what I needed when I needed it.

I demand a $1000 gift card and a year's worth of free groceries before I will consider shopping in your store again.


Ms. Cant Telltime

BookstoreEscapee 01-05-2010 01:03 AM

Dear Ms. Itterate,

I apologize, my employees have never encountered a LOLcat in person. Next time they will be better equipped to handle your special needs.


M. Ann Ager



Cap S. Locke

Lace Neil Singer 01-06-2010 07:10 PM

Dear Mr Locke,

I think you should know that someone with obvious mental instabilities is using your email address. If you have any concerns, I suggest you contact your internet service provider.

Yours Sincerely,

Miss Manager.


Dear Ms Cant Telltime,

Repeat after me; a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. The store runs on Greenwich Mean Time, not Customer Standard Time, so the time for closing was correct. Sorry for any inconvienience.


Foodmart Drone.

Dear Cinema Manager,

I took my toddler to see Avatar in your cinema last Friday. He started talking to me halfway thru due to being bored so I naturally answered back. I was incensed to be told by one of your ushers that I had to leave due to complaints by some other people in the cinema. I had every right to be there; I demand that you fire this usher and ban the people who complained for life. I would also like free tickets to make up for my bad experience.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Mona Lott

hinakiba777 01-08-2010 08:09 PM

Dear Ms. Lott;

I'm sorry, but I can only ban two people from the theatre a month. So it's impossible for me to ban all those people for you.

On a similar note, you and your son are banned from the cinemas.

Enjoy watching TV;
Ms. Manager

Dear Happy Clown Entertainment Agency;

My darling prince of a boy Johnny only wanted two things for his birthday. A clown at his party, and a high powered rifle.

I think it's HORRIBLY unprofessional of the man you sent, one Mr. Jingles, to have tried to leave before the party was over.

He demanded I drive him to the Emergency Room because he was bleeding. He really shouldn't have been standing in front of my little angel when Johnny was shooting things.

I of course was not going to leave my little Messiah alone to run some two-bit entertainer halfway across town during the middle of his birthday party.

I demand you send me 10 clowns to my next party for free. Also I want to the family of the Late Mr. Jingles to pay me for the emotional trauma Johnny had to suffer watching his birthday clown die.

Mai Sonsakilla

tropicsgoddess 01-10-2010 12:29 AM

Dear Mai Sonsakilla,

I am sorry to hear of the experience you had with the late Mr.Jingles at your son's birthday party. However, due to the fact that YOUR kid shot one of our most valued staff members (Mr.Jingles), we will begin taking legal action against you. We believe that YOU should be the one to pay the family of the late Mr. Jingles for the emotional trauma your son caused with his carelessness. Further more, you refused to have Mr.Jingles taken to a hospital to be treated for his injuries, so we will not give you 10 clowns to your next party for free. You will also be blacklisted in our business and we will make sure to black list you with Happy Clown Entertainment Agency and any other subsidiaries.


B'Ann Forlyfe

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Dear MY ISP,

I called your Tier 1 Tech Support line last night because I got a blue screen on my computer and it wouldn't do anything else. The rep refused to help me and kept saying that my issue was outside of support and that I had to call my computer's manufacturer! I pay for your service, why should I have to call my computer's manufacturer to get this resolved?!! Fire this rude rep and give me free service for life!


Ima Computer-Dummy

DGoddessChardonnay 01-10-2010 01:45 AM

Dear Ima Computer-Dummy:

We're sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction with our services however after a review of the customer service call it was determined that the best course of action to resolve this issue is to simply have you box up your computer and set it out on the side of the road in front of your house for pick up. Your computer will then be picked up and adopted to a new home, as yours is no longer suitable for habitation.

As far as the request for free service for life goes: we've determined that in the best interest of all concerned that as you won't have a computer any longer, the subject of free internet access is moot.


I R Smart

Dear Local Phone Company-

I tried calling your 1-800 number expecting to receive the outstanding customer service your commercials advertised but instead was treated rudely by one of your reps.

"Alice" refused to give me what I wanted in the form of a discount. She also said I owed $700 on my wireless bill because of texting and pics.

I was not informed that I had a charge for texts and picture emails, so therefore I'm not required to pay the bill. Besides, this was on my daughter's phone and that was the number I asked that the features be disabled on. I demanded a supervisor who would take these charges off, but was told there were none available.

I demand that these charges be reversed, as I am not made of money nor did I request these features to be added on my unlimited plan. I also want a new iPhone for no charge to compensate me for my troubles.

Ida Lazyparent

purplecat41877 01-12-2010 07:05 AM

Dear Ida Lazyparent,

I'm afraid that your not reading the rules doesn't exempt you from paying your bill. However, we will allow you to pay $100 per month for the texting and pics until the full $700 is paid.

You also have to teach your daughter how to use her phone responsibly. Therefore, your request for a new iphone is denied.


Phone Manager

Dear Coffee Shop Manager,

I went into one of your shops this morning and ordered a venti mocha and the employee had the nerve to tell me that they were out of mocha. You can't run out of items if you want to keep your customers. I requested that the supervisor check in the back and she refused. I want the supervisor and employee fired for being rude to me and refusing to keep my mocha stocked. Also, I threw a coffee mug at them and stormed out. The supervisor followed me out and told me that if I came back she would have me arrested for trespassing. I shoved her into the glass window and drove off. I also want a book of coupons for free coffee for the inconvenience.


Moe Cha

BookstoreEscapee 01-13-2010 12:57 AM

Dear Mr. Cha,

If you would kindly provide your address, we will have the local police personally deliver some coupons, when they come to arrest you for assault. The coupons should still be good when you get out of jail.

Starbuck T. Horton


Dear Electronics Store,

I was shopping in the mall yesterday and left my 3-year-old twins in your store to watch the cartoons that were playing on your display TVs. They were only there for a few hours, but when I came back they were gone! I was informed by the manager on duty that the police and child protective services had come and taken them away! This inconvenience made me miss my hair appointment with Francios. I won't be able to get another appointment for months! Your manager should be fired for causing me such trouble.

I.M. Portant

hinakiba777 01-13-2010 01:21 AM

Dear Mrs. Portant,

It's quite obvious to us what you think most important in your life. And your children are not on the top of that list.

Don't worry though, we talking to Francois. You will not have to wait months for another appointment, because he refuses to style your hair again.

T.V. Salsmon
Big Box Entertainment, and Mall Manager

To the Owner of the Black Horse Pub;

I would like you to fire the girl you had bartending last night. Not only did she refuse to give me a 22nd shot of Tequila, though I still had the money, but she tried to tell me that the pub was closing and I would have to leave. I have a been a regular at this par for almost three weeks, I should be able to sleep here if I want.

She then told me that I shouldn't drive home, and tried to take my keys. I gave her a good knock in the face, breaking her nose. Then ran to my car and sped off, right into a lightpole.

I am now paraliyzed from the neck down. I demand that you fire that horrible girl, and allow me to drink for free as much as I want at your pub until I die.

Dah Runkard

Irving Patrick Freleigh 01-13-2010 02:54 AM

Dear Runkard:

How's the saying go? One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor? And you had 21 shots of the stuff? Christ, you must've been halfway to China! No wonder you're paralyzed from the neck down!

Regardless, I must town down your request for free drinks for life. But this is for your own good. It must be pretty difficult to use the bathroom in your state.

As for the bartender, I think we'll keep her. Oops, that's supposed to be private. Did I actually write that first part? I gotta think of a lie fast! Ummm, uhhh...our personnel decisions are handled internally and are kept private from the public. Yeah, that's it.

Black Horse Pub

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Dear Walgreens Pharmacy:

I went to your pharmacy yesterday to purchase some Viagra. When I arrived at the counter, the rude young lady behind it gave me some cock-and-bull story about needing a prescription to buy Viagra.

She's obviously lying. Why would I need a prescription for the stuff if it's advertised on TV?

I demand you make Viagra available over the counter, or else I will be suing you for everything my wife takes me for when she divorces me. She's been complaining about my performance for years now, and now that I think of it, my daughter has the mailman's eyes.

I.M. Potent

XCashier 01-13-2010 05:38 PM

Dear Mr. I.M. Potent,

The decision to make prescription drugs over the counter lies with the pharmaceutical companies and the Food and Drug Administration, not individual drugstores.

Oh, and the mailman is totally innocent. I know for a fact that I am your daughter's father. :devil:

Jack Casanova, Manager

Dear Manager,

I was buying a candy bar the other day from your casheir Jennie. She took my money and called the police, said some ridikulous thing like Georg Washington was not on a $100 bill and the ends were obvoiusly glued on. I got it from the bank like that, I swear on a stack of Bibbles!

Anyway, I'm having to undrgo the humilliation of a trial, finding a lawyer, hiding the printing equipment and paying exoribatant fees. I demand that you fire Jennie, drop all charges against me and pay me a billion dollars for my trouble.

Count Terfeiter

Irving Patrick Freleigh 01-13-2010 06:14 PM

Dear Terfeiter :

Our apologies for the misunderstanding. Here's your billion dollars. Is Monopoly money okay?


================================================== ================

deer wall mrt

i wuz n ur stor yisterddy n u dint haf 12 pecks dit pepzy iffin do dey wuz n ur add diz falls avertizzin gimme millon dolers r i soo

i kent reedorrite

rageaholic 01-13-2010 08:00 PM


Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh (Post 673074)
Dear Terfeiter :

Our apologies for the misunderstanding. Here's your billion dollars. Is Monopoly money okay?



Dear Mr reeddorite,

What's this, something about Pepsi and wanting a million dollars? Well I won't give you a million dollars, but I will give you this discount on hooked on phonics. I think it will help you greatly in the future.

Dear Mcdonalds,

Fuck you! I have been a loyal customer for the last 10 years, eating your breakfest, lunch, and dinner every day. I cannot live a day without your food! Now that I am somehow over a thousand pounds overweight, I can't even get out of bed! AND YOU ASSHOLES WON'T EVEN DELIVER TO ME!! I NEED MY MCNUGGETS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111


Fattias Mcfatty.

Sarlon 01-14-2010 03:23 AM

Dear Mcfattious,

please find attached a number of a good cardiologist, and the number for the ambulace. I terribly sorry for the inconvience, but I do know that these two FINE companys do offer delivery services.

1 800 438-2368

Thankyou for bringing this to our attention.


dear big box company,
while recently shopping at your store I noticed several employees standing around doing nothing. So I went up to them and asked a simple question. For some reason they all laughed in my face! I DEMAND they be fired and a giftcard for $15,000 be issed or I will NEVER shop in your store again! I mean the nerve of them denying good customer service by REFUSING to do my shopping for me!

I.M potent

Gibbo 01-14-2010 08:44 PM

Dear I.M Potent,

If good customer service was doing shopping for customers then they would be spending all day shopping and never having any time to actually do their jobs. I've considered your demands and they are too over the top for being made to actually do your own shopping. You weren't lazy enough to get here in the first place were you? If getting here is that exhausting for you then I suggest that you never come here again and find somewhere nearer to your house.

Store Manager

Dear Chief Executive,

I have attended my local high street branch of your bookmakers every day for years and in that time I have lost thousands of pounds in unemployment benefit. I finally came round to accepting that I was addicted and closed my account and specifically told them not to let me open another one as I was determined to beat my addiction. However I then got my best friend to open one in his name on my behalf and do my bets for me, an addict needs his fix right?, and since then I have lost even more money.

I DEMAND that this branch is shut down as it was completely irresponsible of them to keep taking bets from me after I told them not to in order to stop them doing it to anybody else. I also DEMAND that I am reimbursed every last penny of every bet I made with this new account, as they had no right to take any of it.


A. Moron

purplecat41877 01-20-2010 07:27 AM

Dear Mr. Moron,

I'm afraid I can't refund your money since it's under your friend's account and we need his authorization to refund the money. However, we can suggest that you find a rehab center that specializes in gambling addictions.

Also, we won't be closing the branch. It was your own fault that you lost the money.


Chief Executive

Dear Supermarket Manager,

At the checkout, I handed the girl my coupons and she handed them back to me and told me they were expired. I requested a supervisor who came over and told me that the coupons couldn't be accepted which was completely unacceptable. I threw my items at the girl and supervisor, stormed out, and took off in my car. I want the girl and supervisor fired for being rude to me and a gift card as an apology for the poor service I received. I also want to be able to use my expired coupons without any problems. If I don't get what I want, I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Coupon

Sarlon 01-20-2010 03:42 PM

dear ms Coupon,

TERRIBLY sorry to hear that you will be leaving us. Hope you find joy in your new supermarket. I hear they opened one on the corner of Bull and Crap.


Dear BIG blue store,



(sadly this is fairly close to what happened to me but I talked calmly and got a much better deal.)

hinakiba777 01-20-2010 03:54 PM

Dear Mrs. Coupon;

You actually have never made a purchase in our store. You keep coming in with year old coupons, and then leaving when they get rejected. You've sent us this letter 64 times. So I will say again;

We can not miss your business if you never buy anything. As you have not spent a single red cent in our store, I don't think your not coming back will a problem for us.

Though I get the sinking feeling I'll be hearing from you soon.

Good-bye (for now);
Grocery Town Management
Dear Mr. Manager Man;
My daddy says I can't have a Suzy Peealot doll because your store is full of poopyheads who make the prices too high. Daddy has told me all about how evil store type people are. He's told me you never let him use his coopons. It's very hard for him to make them. You won't stay open in the middle of the night so Daddy and Mommy can buy things. ANd many other bad stupid head things.

Daddy told me I should write you a letter about how bad you mean people are. So I did. I want a FREE Suzy Peealot doll, and for you to do what my Daddy says. he's VERY important.

Hugs and Kisses;
Miss Rebeka Entitlementhoorson
Age 4

XCashier 01-20-2010 05:43 PM

Dear Rebeka,

Please tell your daddy to grow a set, fight his own battles and stop teaching his child to be an entitlement whore.

Very sincerely,
Dee L. Withit, Store Manager

= = = = =


U SUK! GIMME MUNNY! NOW!!!!111!!!!111!!!


hinakiba777 01-21-2010 07:18 AM


I'm afraid we were unable to mail your later as you didn't put an address on it. Could you tell us what store you wanted that sent to?

Your Postal Service

Dear Mr. Roberts;

Recently your 12 year old daughter came to babysit my 8 year old daughter. I paid her very well, more then a girl that age should be earning. Yesterday I fired her because she wasn't brushing my daughter's hair for her. This is totally unacceptable.

When i said fire, I meant come work for me for free, not to just stop coming around. I demand you send your daughter back here to watch my little angel. And she should Pay me for the honor of carrying for my beautiful child. 200 dollars a day should be enough.

Anita Slave

(Sadly, something like this happened when I first started babysitting, I worked for a few days and then I got fired because I wasn't brushing the girl's hair. She was 8, with no developmental issues. It was WEIRD.)

Sarlon 01-21-2010 12:38 PM

~envelope has been returned to house with address crossed out as undeliverable.~

Dear BIG blue store,



(sadly this is fairly close to what happened to me but I talked calmly and got a much better deal.)

purplecat41877 01-29-2010 09:58 AM

Dear Mrs. Slave,

My daughter doesn't babysit for free so she won't be babysitting your daughter again. Also, your daughter is old enough to learn to brush her own hair.


Mr. Roberts

Dear Mr. Locke,

We have enclosed a form and envelope. Please fill out the necessary information and send it back in the envelope so we can refund your points.

I'm afraid we can't give you a $10,000 gift card. However, we will send you a $100 gift card once we get the form from you.


Big Blue Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came into your store first thing in the morning and there were other customers shopping in the store. I can't shop while other customers are in the store because they might laugh at my purchases which is why I come to shop as soon as the store opens. Next time I come in, I want your employees to tell the other customers to leave the store and stay out until I finish my shopping. If I find another customer in the store again when I'm shopping, I will never come into your store again and do all my shopping online.


Ineed Myspace

BookstoreEscapee 01-29-2010 11:12 PM

Dear Ms. MySpace,

I looked up your purchase history in our computer, and I -


Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today.
Store Manager


Dear Store,

I was shopping today and everything went perfectly. An employee helped me find what I needed, the cashier was quick and accurate, and the bagger helped load my items in the car. I have nothing to complain about.

I live for complaining, please teach your employees to be a little more difficult, as it is the only thing that makes my life worth living. How can I demand unreasonable compensation when no one does anything wrong?

Thank you for your consideration,
A. Customer

Irving Patrick Freleigh 01-30-2010 12:24 AM

Dear Customer:

You want an employee of the company to be difficult? Okay, here goes:

F--- you, you f------ f--- f--- f--- b---- f---- scrawny a-- s--- head. F--- you!

There you go. Of course, I will not be compensating you for doing what you told me to do anyway.

================================================== ================

Dear Crap Mart:

How dare you kick me out of your store when I wasn't doing anything wrong!

All I was doing was following little boys around the store with my hand inside my pants waistband. There's nothing wrong with that! Nor is there anything wrong with talking to those little boys and asking them what kind of toys they like! Boys like toys!

I am a good customer! I would take my business elsewhere, but every other store in town has banned me for following the little boys around. That's not fair! How do those other stores know I'm not their dad?

Patrick O. File

XCashier 01-30-2010 07:51 PM

Dear Mr. File,

We're sorry you feel you've been treated unfairly. If you'll give us your address, we'll send along a nice person in a blue uniform and badge to give you precisely what you deserve.

Hans Offthekids, Manager


Dear Store Manager,

I bought some beautiful fish for my aquarum during that very hot week last summer. But I had a lot of errands to run, and I left them in the car all weekend. When I went back to the car to get them, they were all floating around.

I can't believe you'd sell me such sickly fish! I demand a full refund, new fish that won't die if I leave them in a car parked in the sun for a weekend and a public apology for your weak merchandise.

Your customer,
Mr Bernie Hotcarr

fireheart 01-31-2010 08:34 AM

Dear Mr. Hotcarr,

Please remember that fish are living breathing things, just like humans. Humans will die if left in a suffocated area for a whole weekend. Therefore you will not e getting your fish.

Thank you,

Ms. Spinelady, Store Manager.

Dear Store Manager,

Your company sells stupid products! The mints are so minty, the freezer area is cold and the employees keep molesting the fruits and vegetables! I want my fruits and vegetables non-molested, the freezer area to a temperature that I can stick my hands in without freezing them off and for the mints area to not smell like mint! Is that so hard.

Miss Diff. E. Cult.

hinakiba777 01-31-2010 06:24 PM

Ms. Cult,

Yes your request is too difficult!

If the freezer was any colder, all the food would melt or go bad.
If the mints were less minty, we would get complaints about them not being minty enough.
And If our employees didn't handle our produce, then we wouldn't be able to transport it, or check to see if it has gone bad.

I'm pretty sure that no one wants melted, bland tasking, rotten products.

Please find some place else to complain;
Ihaffa Backbone

Dear Night Pleasures;

Recently I purchased a very lovely adult toy from you. It is amazing. I have absolutely no issues with it. Sadly, my current boyfriend could not keep up with my new accessory so I denied him relations until he improved. He then dumped me.

I do not want any monetary Recompensation for this tragic event. I just believe you should send the cute black haired boy with the tongue stud who works your cash to fill my bed until I can find a way to win my boyfriend back. I don't think that is so unreasonable. You are an Adult Toy Store after all, and I want to play with that boy.

I'll be waiting;
Imma Nympho

fireheart 02-01-2010 07:57 AM

:lol: this game is getting better by the minute!!! :p

dalesys 02-01-2010 11:25 AM


Quoth fireheart17 (Post 680927)
:lol: this game is getting better by the minute!!! :p

For sufficiently (UN) even values of "better"!:D

XCashier 02-02-2010 04:58 AM

Dear Nympho,

I'm afraid that Josh is unavailable to play with you, as he is quite happy with his new boyfriend. Funny, said boyfriend said he couldn't keep up with his demanding nymphomaniac harpy girlfriend. Life is weird, huh?

Connie Lingus, Manager, Night Pleasures Emporium


Deer Manujur,

Mah son bott some malt vinugur from youse and drunk it all. He then pyooked all over teh howse. Why din you tell him not 2 drink it? Why you sell it 2 him in teh furst plase? I want lotsa munny, a millin dollurs 4 comp kommp because yoo hurt mah boy!


Vinnie Garboy

Sunsetsky 02-02-2010 05:08 AM

ROFL! I had completely forgotten about the "Vinegar Boy" Saga. I can't think of an awesome letter to make in response. XD

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