Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man."

[Jester]

WARNING for victims:
If you are being abused, DON'T TAKE THIS POST AS A REASON TO STAY. Get out, get to a safe distance, stay at that safe distance.

Yes. Just because some people change, don't think that your abuser will. While there are those that do, it is a very very VERY small fraction. And odds are very against your abuser being among them. If you are being abused, you must assume that your abuser will not change. Because odds are overwhelming that he won't.

_IF_ BB is the killer, violence isn't justified. Just a swift and certain death.

I would like to respectfully disagree. I think any and all violence against BB is thoroughly justified and justifiable. But I understand that not all people will agree with me on this one.

One more thing: you said "IF BB is the killer...."

Well, he is. Whether she died by her own hand or his, he killed her. Period. He is responsible for her death. Whether directly or indirectly, he caused her death. And pretty much everyone down here familiar with the situation agrees with that premise.

There is no if. He killed her.

[Dips]

ReformedWaitress and Jester,

I'm sorry I missed this thread when it started. There's no comfort for losing someone you've tried in vain to save.

I hope you find some comfort in knowing you did the best you could for TD. Sometimes you might have doubts you did your best. Doubts are normal, but don't believe them. You really did your best. And, if there is an afterlife, TD knows that now.

I know you're both going through some other very tough things in your lives right now. And now this. I'm so sorry. I wish there were something that could take your pain away. I wish life were fair.

I'm sorry.

[Jester]

I wish there was something that could take your pain away.

Drop an anvil on BB's head? Or a piano? Or any other overused cartoon imagery?

I wish life was fair.

It isn't. No use pretending. But sometimes it can be balanced.

[Amethyst Hunter]

Don't listen to "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again". ONCE IS TOO MANY TIMES ALREADY.

It won't change. It won't get better. It can only end in horrible, brutal tragedy. Get. Out. NOW.

Agreed. My mom told me once, years ago, "NEVER let a man hit you even just once, because then he'll think he can do it forever."

Of course, it helps that I'm naturally a stubborn/ornery type and thus more wary of falling into such a trap, but even so, I'm glad my mom said that to me, because it's one of the few things that's stuck long-term in my memory.

Violence against any person, regardless of reason, is to be abhorred and I believe that we dishonour TD's memory as a sweet and gentle person by planning the drawn-out death of BB - as much as he may deserve it.

BB deserves any violence coming to him, whereas TD did not. This doesn't dishonor TD. Allowing an evil fucker like BB to roam free without any repercussions for his actions.....THAT dishonors TD's memory far more, if you ask me.

Have to agree with Jester on that. I can agree that violence is something to be avoided whenever possible; however, there are just times where the shit needs to be thrown down, if only to protect future victims from spoogeberries like BB.

Speaking only for myself, if someone messed with any of my loved ones, they would have to clean up the resulting mess with a REALLY big sponge and a pool of bleachwater, and pry the blunt object from my hand with that Jaws of Life thingy they use to cut people out of car wrecks. And this is coming from a barely-5-foot, overweight, out-of-shape and combat-inexperienced person.

I have a temper, and I don't take kindly to my family and friends being messed with either.

[Jester]

Much to report today.

First of all, I was very hungover today, as I went out and got a good ole drunk on last night. It helped somewhat.

But with that hangover going full blast today, as I was lounging around my place, imagine my surprise when one of my coworkers called to tell me that TD's parents and sister were at The Bar! I got their phone number, and called them a bit later (after I had woken up more fully and showered and all) and met up with them before I had to go to work.

Last night, while I was out getting soused, they were meeting with BB, and he pretty much pulled the wool over their eyes, as he played the dutiful and grieving boyfriend role to a T. That is....until they started talking to OTHER people today, such as my coworkers and managers and me and others. They started to wonder about things actually last night when they were in a bar with BB talking and more than one person pulled them aside to warn them what a piece of crap he was.

I added to that picture, but I told them "Don't believe me or other people. Go to the police and look at the reports of when he beat her, and look at the photos. That will tell you all you need to know." They are going to try to access those tomorrow. Today they got all of TD's stuff from BB's house, and also picked up her ashes from the funeral home. Her parents will be taking them back home to Chicago with them.

Sadly, the coroner and police seem to have ruled TD's death a suicide. Which means it apparently was. Because while BB is very adept at acting like something he isn't, he really isn't all that bright, and I have trouble believing that he's smarter than a trained medical examiner. But TD's family agrees with me that, whosever hand it was, it was still BB's fault, and that they wouldn't shed a tear if someone removed him from the planet, as the majority of people feel should happen. They were playing nice with him today, not letting him know what they had found out, because they wanted to make sure they got all of her stuff from his place first.

They are really nice people, I should add, and though none of the family saw it, all of us saw an very uncanny resemblance to TD in her sister's face, especially the eyes. It was almost unsettling.

In other news, my friend Frank and I are going to get together tomorrow and start planning TD's memorial, or as I prefer to think of it, a celebration of her life. We may make it a fundraiser for the ASPCA* as well, as TD loved animals and her family is asking people to donate to the ASPCA in lieu of flowers. If any of y'all want to donate to the ASPCA in TD's name, feel free to contact me privately, though I don't expect anyone here to do so as you didn't actually know her. Your support has been more than I could have expected already, to be honest. I am also going to try to get a local advocate for battered women involved as a speaker or some such....we are still hammering out the details. And we are going to invite anyone and everyone....except one person. I think we all know who THAT is.

A lot of people who knew her are still in shock, and I am hoping that something like this celebration will be a good way for us all to say our goodbyes to TD, and not whitewash her (she was FAR from perfect, and could be a real pain in the ass, among other things), but remember her how she was, both good and bad. And, just like almost everything else in Key West, it will be an excuse to drink....something TD would have relished greatly.

More details as this all develops. If anyone has any ideas for this celebration, feel free to contact me.

*For those who don't know or don't live in the U.S., the ASPCA is the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. They do great work, and I strongly urge everyone to support them whenever they can, not because of TD, but because it is a great way to help out animals.

[Rahmota]

Jester: A good Irish style Wake, Elven Celebration of Life memories is a very good idea. Weep not for the ending but laugh at the memories of the journey. And drink til the pain is numb.

I am glad her family is able to know about BB and what sort of scum he is.

Sadly, you are wrong. His kind ISN'T always punished. All too often, they get away with this kind of stuff. I'd like to believe that that was not true, but if you pay attention to what happens in life, you'll see that it isn't the way things work. Sad and tragic? Sure. Welcome to real life. Hopefully, though, in this case it won't be the case, and he will be punished. One way or another.

Maybe not punished by us. Maybe not punished anytime soon or in a direct way. The universe moves in its own time its own methods. it is unfortunate and disgusting that the "justice" system failed. But there will be a time when BB receives his payment for the evil he has done.

I am actually using this as an important lesson for all my nieces to learn from. My eldest niece actually knew and worked with TD, so it is a very harsh lesson for her. I do hope they learn from it. I really do. Because while I did everything I think I could have done for TD, had it been any one of my nieces, trust me when I say I would have done more. A guy lays a hand on one of my nieces, he'll be lucky if all that happens is he loses that hand. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....you don't fuck with Jester, you don't fuck with Jester's friends, but you sure as HELL don't fuck with Jester's nieces!

Family takes care of family. I will wholeheartedly agree. Someone harms my daughter or one in my care they will wish for death. My life for them. i hope they do listen and learn and care.

Good days to you Jester. May your friend find the peace she deserved.

[Jester]

it is unfortunate and disgusting that the "justice" system failed.

I don't know that it failed, per se. I mean, if the evidence showed that she did, in fact, take her own life, they can't really arrest him or charge him with anything. The fact is there is no law on the books that can punish BB for contributing to her demise in the way he did. And I don't think that there should be, necessarily. It would be a very slippery slope. The one thing he COULD have been punished for, abusing her, he was not, mainly because of TD and her walking away from it and going back to him. It's all very sad, all very tragic, and all very true.

Please, folks: use this tragic tale as I have been using it: as a lesson to those you care about, your children, nephews, nieces, and other young people (and maybe not even so young) who may not recognize this kind of behavior for what it really is. Don't let one of them become a statistic.

[Broomjockey]

As for laws on the books, reckless endangerment or promoting a suicide have both been used in similar cases. Then there's also civil suits.

[Jester]

Okay, point taken. But as the only witness to what actually happened is BB himself, none of that could be proven.

[Seshat]

That's a damn shame.

I have a vague suggestion for something that those of you who knew her might want to do: have a day every year that you all pitch in and do some volunteer work in her memory.

Everyone contributes to a 'pizza-and-beer' fund, food is bought that may or may not be pizza and beer (be sure to cater to the no-alcohol types too), and you all go through and - oh, spring-clean the local animal shelter. Spring-clean a women's shelter. Build something for a shelter. Do some garden work for them. De-rubbish a park, stream or beach, or do a tree-planting, or - whatever needs doing in your local community that feels right to you all to do.

Anything that requires willing muscle and makes something good happen. Disabled friends can coordinate, do relevant paperwork, handle the catering, or whatever is within their abilities.

It's just a thought, but it might be a nice annual event for your circle-of-friends, as well as being a memorial TD's friends and family would feel good about.

[PepperElf]

I wish more people in bad relationships would get counseling. I am sure there's *nothing* they've never heard before.

One gal I knew last year had a similar situation...not sure where she is now because I left the country. At the time her husband was out of the country on work, so she had every chance to seek counseling, therapy, legal help... She chose not to do it because "he doesn't think we need it" and chose to complain to friends & ask tarot cards instead. She even came up with justification for him breaking into her phone bill to see who she was calling*...

After reading your TD thread it makes me sad... because I think this girl will end up in a similar situation if she doesn't seek help. And ... as I said before, I don't think she will.

*I didn't know it at the time... but he called me too. The number came up as unknown because it was overseas & he basically opened the call with "Who is this?" If I'd known then... I'd have been pretty livid.


but for bb... if the law doesn't get him... we know very well there's a level in Dante's imagination just waiting for him.


Edit: volunteer work for a woman's shelter sounds like a good idea. Just be sure they accept help from both genders since it's obvious that both men and women wish to do something in Tiny Dancer's memory.

[jb17kx]

In hindsight my comments before may have been somewhat lacking in empathy. Naturally I will see things very differently to somebody who knew both BB and TD, but I perhaps did not account properly for that while composing my post.

I fully understand the view you take on the matter, Jester. BB is cretin, a scumbag, and his actions were vile and caused a woman to seek death at her own hand.

Had I known TD, then, from rereading this thread as a whole, I would probably be joining the queue of outraged and armed CSers outside his residence.

To those who took my post to be a chastisement or to condone BB's actions, I apologise.

[Jester]

Edit: volunteer work for a woman's shelter sounds like a good idea. Just be sure they accept help from both genders since it's obvious that both men and women wish to do something in Tiny Dancer's memory.

There may be stuff men can do at women's shelters, such as paperwork or volunteer work outside the shelter, or something where they don't come in contact with the traumatized women. Remember, though, not all battered women are going to be freaked out by all men...it's not the same as rape, for instance. But obviously there can be some sensitive issues going on. For good-hearted people, male or female, there is always stuff that can be done to help. Or in this case, rather than volunteer at a women's shelter, volunteer at an animal shelter.

In hindsight my comments before may have been somewhat lacking in empathy.

To those who took my post to be a chastisement or to condone BB's actions, I apologise.

I don't think anyone took you or anyone else as condoning BB's actions.

I understand that not everyone is going to have full sympathy for TD, and I understand. Her poor choices contributed greatly to this, and she is not in any way innocent of blame. Nor has anyone close to her or the situation suggested that. TD was not a saint, and had many, many flaws, not the least of which was a generally bad record with men. She drank too much, she smoked too much, and was often a cantankerous, ornery, mule-headed, irrational pain in the ass. No one here should get the idea, as I said earlier, that she was in any way a saint. She wasn't. That being said, while she contributed to all that happened, she didn't deserve it. And most importantly, however flawed and exasperating she could be, she was still a friend. And THAT is what it comes down to.

I hope all of the above made sense. It is far too early in the morning for this night owl, and so much has gone on in my life in the last two weeks that I am just freakin' drained. But I think my basic points came through. I hope so.

[Rahmota]

Okay, point taken. But as the only witness to what actually happened is BB himself, none of that could be proven.

This is sad but true. Too bad there's no gil grissom when you need them.

I hope all of the above made sense. It is far too early in the morning for this night owl, and so much has gone on in my life in the last two weeks that I am just freakin' drained. But I think my basic points came through. I hope so.

You made enough sense just fine Jester. I think everyone understands she was an adult and made her choices just like everyone else. Good bad or stupid we all make our choices. You did your best. Her friends did their best. Sometimes the best just isnt enough. It doesnt mean you stop trying or doing your best. It just means that sometimes the universe is bigger than what we can handle.

[Jester]

Too bad there's no gil grissom when you need them.

No, the KW M.E. is probably not going to be confused with Griss anytime soon, but he is still an M.E., and as such, is probably not easily fooled by someone with the brains of BB, i.e., few that work other than the ones needed to con people into believing he's something he's not.

You did your best. Her friends did their best. Sometimes the best just isnt enough.

"Your best isn't good enough!" --Mr. Holland's Opus