I am not allowed to:
Tell the customer that a sledgehammer and a store visit will get them a new phone, with TEP.
Greet the customer "I am the one called Alester, How may i commune with you today?
(While working for the same company before this run i was required to have a Pseudonym as there is always someone else named as i am, both my first and middle names as both are common English names)
Greet the customer as All stair alliteration all star!
I am not to tell people that i am called Alester, for all they care i am Alester.
Begin troubleshooting with "Find a tall building"
Ask for time off by stating to my supervisor "Since we're on the subject of time off, i have some new chap stick" in front of my newest trainee and the CIO.
While asking "Why is it smoking?" Is an excellent question, when asking "Why was it in the Microwave?" should be done in a nicer tone of voice.
"Burn it" is too ambiguous and "Smoke 'em if you've got 'em" does not refer to CD/Rs.
Ask the receiving guys if the normal mail guy i s stoned because of the envelope adhesive or if he remembered they were peel and stick yet.
I am to refer to my boss as my Supervisor, not "The one who beats me"
I am not to bang my head on my desk for any reason, even if the customer asked for more ink for the scanner.
The FNG is not to be called the FNG to his face or his back.
If the FNG is unable to keep his eyes off the chest of the ambiguous guy with large man boob, don't introduce him to the Hot HR girl that likes V-neck sweaters (this one isn't my fault)
My boss is not "He-who-must-not-be-named"
Don't look over the cube wall when the Boss is "Pretending" to spank it.
I am not to pet the service dog of the blind Unix admin while he is going potty (the dog, not the admin)
I am not to pat the user on the head when they have boned their laptop an hour before their HUGE sales presentation.
I am not to giggle in the men's restroom.
I am not to giggle at users when they are on mute.
I am not to giggle at users when they are not on mute.
I am to warn people when i am talking to one of those users who feel the need to curse incessantly, but never at you or what you are doing, and expect you to do the same, after receiving permission from upper management to do so.
"$hit be broke" while it was all you could get from the customer besides his contact info, it is not an appropriate description for a ticket for ANYONE! (not mine)
The cute sounding tech is a male, and i am to inform the user of this before they offer to take them to Mexico.
Sarcasm, Bad English and Spanglish do not count as languages according to HR and i am not allowed to tell users i speak 4 languages.
I am not to dial the Spanish queue, never hit talk and take a smoke break.
Webcomics do not count as the KB even if they are more helpful than the Real KB.
Music is allowed at work, but must be played lower than the ringer on your phone.
Death Metal is not to be played loudly when the religious Coworker is preaching to you. (Vader: Helleluya)
Telling the boss that you would rather watch the weather channel in silence than listen to Glenn Beck again, when denied, i am not to ask for a fork to carve out my eyes and ears, when denied again explain how it is less painful that way.
I am not to ask the Gas Spectrometer Technologist to analyze my coworker's gas to find out what he ate to give him said gas.
Tell a user "Them there computers work on magic" (pronounced MAaaaaagick)
Sometimes the Hindi guy really is named Bob, it is just shortened, a Lot.
Bob might be the coolest Hindi you have ever talked to, but i am not to call him Bollywood to his boss.
Pipeline manager is a position in a department, pipe manager is not.
My user is not a Javelin Catcher, or saw-blade discus target. (Not mine)
Even though the user only called in to bitch about his problem not actually get any help, i am not to ask him if he would like more cheese, while using a French accent, or any other accent.
My milkshake does not bring all the boys to the yard and i am to quit singing it like Tone Loc.
I am to use adequate sunscreen on vacation or go kayakingat the beginning of the week not the end.
I am to put the customer on mute before i facepalm, headdesk or spit coffee at my monitors
While the Customer might be funny, and i might be more than 10 hour into a 16 hour shift, snorting at their joke is not permitted at 4 AM when the admin is asking them if they rebooted.
I am not to threaten to stab my lead, even if he asked me to.
NSFW means that it is not safe for work, even if your boss sends you the link.
Do not email porn to other users, but it may be downloaded and watched at work, on company time in a conference room (not mine)
Executives are not to be referred to as "The man with the plan and no money" or "The man with the money and no plan"
Smoking is to be done outside but dipping and spiting on the floor is acceptable.
explaining Quantum computing to your son for his "computer project" is not actually covered by my duties as a cellphone technician. (years ago)
I am not to offer to clear the browsing history of users who frequent porn sites at work, even if it is part of the required troubleshooting.
Virus and malware removal are to be done as quickly as possible when in queue, even if the guys on first shift take their sweet time and get a break out of it.
Report is to be given at 3:45 PM, 11:45 PM and 7:45 not whenever the hell first shift decides to ask for it.
Servers do not smoke, do not scare people at 4AM on christmas (not mine)
The SAN is not the great porn stash in the sky (not mine)
Ask your manager is not to be talk to the CEO.
Secretaries are executive assistants, and Assistant executives are not Secretaries.
When a user reads off a hexdecimal dump, you are not to ask them to repeat that to the FAX machine. (not mine)
There is no cursing on the phone, even if you sat on your testicles. (not mine)
I am not allowed to mess with a coworker's background, mouse settings, flip his monitor and lock his password when he leaves his machine unlocked.
I am not to send love letters to same sex executives from the same coworker's email account when he does it again for the fiftieth time today.
Broken CAT5 cables are not floggers, and i am not to self-flagellate, the boss gets to do that for me.
There is no morale
The bush axe is not for cutting our way through the network closet to find the damaged fibre connection.
That is all i can think of so far.