Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Apparently, we are allowed, and were able to get our stick-in-the-mud manager to set up a hot dog buffet and call it a "glizzy bar," and he was absolutely none the wiser.

Even tried to claim he came up with the name.

[catcul]

When I'm required to take the "Workplace Violence Prevention" test, I'm not allowed to say, "I want to meet the writer of this test and punch him in the face."

[catcul]

I am allowed to say, "I enjoyed white water rafting,"
I am not allowed to say, "The river made me so wet."
I am also not allowed to say, "Going over the falls made me wet my pants."

[dalesys]

Oh no. Everyone evacuate.

Unload excess weight, like a startled bird taking off?

[AkaiKitsune]

I'm baaaccckkk.....

Oh no. Everyone evacuate.

[Mr. Rude]

I'm baaaccckkk.....

[Nunavut Pants]

Oh, that sounds like a good story. Share???

[AkaiKitsune]

Hiding a plastic spider in the boxes of bananas is definitely frowned upon.

thank you by the way. The new boss made me work April fools day. The new boss is now well aware of WHY I'm not allowed to work April fools day now. Among other reasons.

[catcul]

I am allowed to say, "I'm currently having lunch."
I am not allowed to say, "I'm in the middle of deep throating weiners."

[Dreamstalker]

Hiding a plastic spider in the boxes of bananas is definitely frowned upon.

[AkaiKitsune]

LOL yea funny if your around civ that claim to be about dark humor and you drop a comment that could be a hate crime on several states and they just stare trying to comprehend the joke so dark light bends awards it.

Not this incident but a different one. Was getting some hours in on my medical training which required me to shadow a paramedic. We took a call to someone who accidently discharged his weapon into his leg. I made a comment about not how he must have missed a payment in his Remington retirement so he only got partial coverage...the paramedic gave me this utterly horrified look. Must have been a new guy.

Yeah, there's a reason nobody asks me about ordering anymore. Apparently rope and a wobbly stool is not something that can be ordered or that should be put on the request list.

But yeah. I've hit that place in life where my filter is gone. In fact it may have been blown up and in several irreparable pieces.

Dealing with racists can be fun as well. Had to kick a guy out who was being an ass to other customers and then he decided no to leave the premise so I called the cops. Now these two drop dead gorgeous, centerfold worthy, black cops step out andi went to point the dumbass out. First thing this idiot says when he sees two black cops and a white woman pointing him out is "you fucking n***** lover..." to which my response was "well, there's a reason big black cock is the most searched word on pornhub" and gave the lovely officers an obvious wink. Left the fucker speechless and would have made the cops job easy if they didn't need to prop eachother up from laughing so hard. I find racists expect anger and outrage. They expect of someoneis laughing it will be with them not at them. They have no idea what to do when someone turns their words back on them and makes them the laughing stock.

[Rosco the Iroc]

I am not allowed to make jokes about "the long nap" or the "Remington retirement plan" around civvies when talking to my buddies still in. They get all concerned and disturbed at not that dark of humor.

LOL yea funny if your around civ that claim to be about dark humor and you drop a comment that could be a hate crime on several states and they just stare trying to comprehend the joke so dark light bends awards it.

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to make jokes about "the long nap" or the "Remington retirement plan" around civvies when talking to my buddies still in. They get all concerned and disturbed at not that dark of humor.

[catcul]

I am allowed to complain about the low temperatures.
I am not allowed to say, "It's so cold, I'm afraid I'll freeze my dipstick off."

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to deliberately phrase things so as to make other people's mind immediately jump feet first into the gutter to go swimming.

I'm not allowed to refer to the the machine that opens the plastic shipper all our candy comes in as the candy stripper.

Telling someone I do needlework and embroidery is acceptable. Telling them I enjoy stabbing things after work is not.

When someone tries to insult me creatively or tell me what I can do with an object/myself I am not allowed to "improve their form" or "expand their imagination" by explaining how a certain Sgt of my acquaintance was far more creative....then proceed to demonstrate by listing all the things I have been told to can be reliably done with human anatomy even if some of that anatomy has to be disassembled to achieve the desired effect.