Abusive boy friends...

[zzapp the witch]

Songs: You might be kind of like me: My picker's broken. On the other hand, I toss em as soon as they start crap. So now I'm trying to figure out WHY my picker is broken, and how to fix it.

[allniter]

I just got done reading a book called "Deer Hunting with Jesus." It's an embedded retelling of a former Virginia who escapes his trailer park life to go to college, gets his degree of higher education and returns to his roots to write about all the wrongs he finds with his former culture.
This story just reminds me of some of the things in the book. Trailer trash without a lick of sense. It's a good thing you just stuck to yourself. You don't really know her and can't do much to help her sadly.

btw it's a good read if you want to check it out.
http://www.amazon.com/Deer-Hunting-J...7414902&sr=8-1

[Megg]

I have found that the best way for a woman to get away from a man is for her to get FAR away, sometimes having to see your abuser all the time makes it harder to resist the manipulation.

So true. I was living in Florida with this person (he was not a man), and after 4 years of verbal, emotional, and mild physical abuse, it went over the line. He broke my nose and cracked 4 of my ribs. I still stayed with him. Strangely enough, it wasn't the abuse that finally woke me up, but when I left him, I stayed in town with a friend of mine, trying to finish school. He was always there. He missed me, he loved me, he was sorry, things would change, it would be better ... if only I would come back to him.

I had met some wonderful people online playing EQ who lived in California. I went there, got as far as humanly possible from him, and never looked back. I wonder sometimes if he ever got his act together, but not that much. Had I not left the state, he would have pulled me back in. He needed me, after all.

To all who have gotten out - congratulations, it is so hard. To those who have not yet gotten away from their abusers (and despite what we may think, I am sure there is at least one person here that applies to) - GET OUT! Trust me, it is the smartest and best thing to do. You will love yourself for it.

[zzapp the witch]

Holy shit that's cool! It was people on EQ that helped me through the crap with my husband also. One of my guildies helped me build up the balls to finally let myself talk to someone about it! /hugs!

[Estil]

Just as a reminder for those who are generically refering to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she"; it doesn't always work that way. Men can be the victims (just like I was) and the women can sometimes be the abusers as well. Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with maybe more male victims (and more victims in general) will come forward and put an end to domestic abuse of all kinds.

[Dilorenzo]

Just as a reminder for those who are generically refering to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she"; it doesn't always work that way. Men can be the victims (just like I was) and the women can sometimes be the abusers as well. Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with maybe more male victims (and more victims in general) will come forward and put an end to domestic abuse of all kinds.

Here, Here, Estil. Happens as most men that are victims are just as - or in some cases more - ashamed and emarresed by what goes on in an abusive relationship as a female victim. Not many of us that will actually get up and flat out say we were, and even though I do, it stings my acursed male pride a bit.

[twocents]

Me and my (now ex) husband used to own/manage a trailer park. Full of drunks and/or section 8.
Had one girl, 3 kids, one of which had c/f. Of course, knowing she has the gene for cystic fibrosis, she proceeds to have more (preggers w/# 4 when she left.) Stupid bimbo.
Anyway, she had jackass boyfriend-duh who was stupid mean when he got drunk. She came up to our trailer (we lived there as well) and wanted us to 'ask him to leave'.
I told her point blank we/I did not get involved with stupid little girl and boy games. (I was more poplite) If, however, I did follow through and get rid of him, he was NOT allowed back in the court. Of course bimbo didn't want to do that.
@ 1 AM at night, we hear a noise. I went out into the living room as noises in the trailer park were hard to differentiate from noise from a campground accross the river. Damn, it's us. I look out window to see the Dad of said bimbo with stupid boyfriend-duh in a half nelson. I called the cops while yelling to my hubby 'it's us'.
Long and the short of it, he made a stupid ass out of imself, the cops tossed him to the ground and arrested him. It was a holiday weekend, so he spent an extra day in jail. We told bimbo he was not allowed back at park at all. He was allowed back to pick up his belongings. When he's sober, he is more or less ok.
Bimbo moves out a few months later. Guess she needed her mayun/welfare tick stud.

[twocents]

With all this hand-wringing on both sides and the whining... Yeah, they can continue their sado-masochistic performances. However, these assholes usually drag children into it.
My observation over the years: the more dysfunctional, the more kids and if a relationship is dysfunctional there is usually a kid.
These sad jack asses can destroy themselves, but I draw the line when it comes to kids (although I don't like them that much but fair is fair). Destroy each other but how dare you drag a child into it... .. but what the hey, misery loves company.
Listen to Dr Phil,Dr Laura, the advice columns; how many times you listen to the guests/callers and when they talk about the problem with the fiance/shackup/mate what they describe is like the gorilla in the room but they choose to be oblivious.
I think a good 60% of problems out there would be avoided if both men and women were more circumspect about relationships... and with whom they breed. Too many produce kiddiess and then realize they picked a piece of garbage as the sperm/egg-donor. Like it or not, they now may have no power or choice when the egg or sperm-donor has visitation.
But then, my theory is that men and women, especially women don't give a damn what they inflict on children.. but that is another post.

[PuckishOne]

Please do NOT continue down this current path. Keep this to the issue in the OP, and keep it civil, or this thread will be closed.

[IHateStupidCustomers]

*redneck accent* "But I looooove him!"

Wait till she shows up with a baby in her arms.

Can we say....Maury Povich?

[Andara Bledin]

I used to have a friend that was dating a guy that the group didn't much care for.

He wasn't very smart and tended to do stupid stuff that was stupider than the usual, and not nearly as funny as the sort of crap the rest of us would pull.

Well, we all knew that he was verbally abusive, but she could give as good as she got, so they were pretty even there.

Then, one day, he hit her. She was out of the apartment that night.

After a month of him begging her to give him another chance and promising he'd never do it again, she decided to let him try to live up to his promises.

Turns out, he really meant it. They got married a couple years later, and as far as I know, are still together.

^-.-^

[Lace Neil Singer]

Just as a reminder for those who are generically refering to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she"; it doesn't always work that way. Men can be the victims (just like I was) and the women can sometimes be the abusers as well. Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with maybe more male victims (and more victims in general) will come forward and put an end to domestic abuse of all kinds.

Exactly why I didn't use he and she terms. Plus, there's domestic abuse among homosexual couples too; sadly, it happens to all unions.

[friendofjimmyk]

Abusive relationships are about power. You have to understand that the woman ( and sometimes men) in these relationships aren't the most stable, I know I was one. It's a destruction of your self esteem. You learn to justify it too yourself, and understand that most often the women (and sometimes men) who fall pray to this have very little self-esteen to begin with. I know for the longest time with my ex, I thought I deserved it.

I'm glad you keep the guy out of there though. Jerk.

Yeah, that's right. The cases are usually just the right mixture of love and affection/abuse to perpetuate the situation. If you have a person with low self-esteem and someone comes along and builds them up - they start to feel good - almost like a natural high. Then abuse starts, its easy to forgive your drug of choice - if you know what I mean. If someone relies on someone else to build their self-esteem whether the relationship becomes abusive or not - its a bad situation.

[Jester]

Yet that created a whole lot of sympathy in me, because I could see how if you didn't know both of them really well, if you were for example a cop called to the scene and reviewing the records, it could look exactly like it was the other way around: she keeps getting him arrested, then dropping the charges, and that looks like he hits her but then she forgives him. You'd have to know them to realize that she's the abusive one.

Sadly, that charge was labeled against my friend TD. And not just in life, but afterwards in death as well. While there was some truth to it, to her claiming this boyfriend or that boyfriend did something they may not have done, or her exaggerating things (I said in that thread that she definitely had her problems, after all), when her abusers' friends claimed after she had died that her earlier charge of battery against him was another bogus charge, it was just too much. After all, it is one thing to exaggerate. It is quite another to fake injuries and bruises.

NO ONE who saw TD after that December beating believed for one moment she was making anything up, or that her boyfriend had not beaten her. The only people spouting these charges were people who (A) had been thoroughly snowed by TD's abuser, and (B) had not seen his "handiwork."

The thing is, there are women who ARE abused who DO sometimes make false charges. As has been said, it can be a bit of a power struggle. Just another thing that makes the whole situation that much murkier.

*Anyone* can be brainwashed, kids. *Anyone* can be made to feel like they don't deserve better than what they've got. It all depends on your self esteem going into the relationship, and the skill of the manipulator.

While I have never been an abusive relationship, I HAVE been in a manipulative one. During it, I wondered what I was doing wrong, how had I caused this or that, what was the problem with ME? The fact is, I hadn't done anything wrong, and the problem wasn't with me, but with HER. But she snowed me so well that I couldn't see it, and my self-esteem suffered greatly for a while, until my eyes were finally opened to the truth about her. I'd like to say that that will never happen to me again. I'd even like to believe that. But when you are, as I am, a self-professed romantic, and are looking for that special someone, it is not that hard to picture getting snowed again by another manipulator. While I would hope I would be more vigilant next time against such shenanigans, you never know....especially when the person in question IS such a skilled manipulator, liar, and con artist.

[Amethyst Hunter]

Estil
Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with

It's a stereotype for a reason - the fact is (and Jester himself pointed this out once) that the *majority* of abuse cases involve males as the aggressor.