Abusive boy friends...

[unclejampuff]

I definitely agree with the addiction theory. My mother was involved with pretty much nothing but awful men. The ironic part of it was that she works in mental health services, and often counseled battered and abused women. Could it have been staring her in the face any more? Don't get me wrong, I do not blame her at all for any nasty part of my life. I blame the men who made me just as afraid to stand up. Heck, even I put myself into bad relationships, with a lifetime of experience screaming at me. You want them to change, you want to be that amazing person who heals them. I'm sorry, but you can't take home every lost puppy you find. It may be adorable and squeeze your heart, but sometimes stray dogs have rabies.
Maybe battered women/men/children should have sponsors like addicts do. I think people who keep ending up in abusive relationships could maybe stay away from it, if they have someone to help them change their habits.

[AdminAssistant]

There's also the fear of being alone. Like, "I'm so fat/ugly/miserable that no one else will want me."

Like the song - "She lies and says she's in love with him/Can't find a better man."

I spent 18 months with a verbally/emotionally abusive boyfriend. It took my Mom shaking some sense into me to see what he was putting me through (I had starting pulling out my hair from the stress).

[Andara Bledin]

In a lot of cases, the victim of an abusive relationship has been emotionally and/or psychologically crippled. It's not necessarily that they don't want out, but they are often incapable of escape.

^-.-^

[Lace Neil Singer]

In a lot of cases, the victim of an abusive relationship has been emotionally and/or psychologically crippled. It's not necessarily that they don't want out, but they are often incapable of escape.

^-.-^

That's my take. In a lot of these relationships, the victim has been beaten down both physically and mentally so much that he/she has self esteem in minus figures and is so downtrodden they can't escape. Sometimes they are also threatened with things like "If you dare leave, I'll hunt you down and kill you" or "I'll kill the kids if you leave"; or told "You're so ugly/stupid/worthless that no-one else would ever want you." Believe me, if you're told something over and over again like that, you will believe it; I've never been in that kind of relationship, but I have been bullied and was subjected to severe mental abuse.

Eventually, your self esteem is nonexistent and you are too demoralised to seek help. Sadly a lot of victims do end up dying at the hands of their attacker. A song that describes domestic abuse is "Never Again" by Nickelback.

Just tell the nurse, you slipped and fell
It starts to sting as it starts to swell
She looks at you, she wants the truth
It's right out there in the waiting room
With those hands
Lookin just as sweet as he can
Never again

A lot of victims will cover up bruises and other injuries with clothing and if asked about visible injuries will lie and say they walked into a door or fell downstairs. Most of the time, they are lying thru their teeth; not to protect their attacker but to protect themselves. Maybe the woman apologising for her boyf is doing so in the hope that he won't decide to beat her when they get home.

[XCashier]

Every time I hear of abusive relationships, I just want to Or more likely, grab the abuser by the neck and bang their head against the wall. "Beauty and the Beast" is a fairy tale. It's a LIE. No amount of love will turn a bullying brute into a decent human being, nothing will unless he or she is willing to change themselves and get help in doing so.

And those of us who finally wised up have to live with unending guilt for not having wised up sooner.

Don't feel guilty. At least you did wise up and ended it before it ended you. You're one of the strong ones who makes it.

[morgana]

Thanks, XC. I don't feel very strong when this subject comes up. I just feel like a failure. I stayed far too long, and put up with far too much, and lost so much of myself . . .

And Lace, you're absolutely right. That's pretty much exactly how it works. Most of the abuse I suffered was mental and emotional, not physical, but the process is the same. Sounds like you've been there, too. My sympathies.

FYI, anybody who wants a really good look at the thought processes of both the abuser and the abused, read "Rose Madder" by Stephen King. Makes me throw up, but it's dead on.

[zzapp the witch]

I tried to get away from my husband. Oh, I did. I didn't tell my parents though, I knew my dad would kill my husband and I didn't want my dad and brothers to go to jail over a piece of shit like he turned out to be. Cops never did shit to help me, no matter what I asked them (I later found out from my uncle, a retired cop, why). Eventually, no one acted like they believed hubby abused me. He liked to beat me semi conscious and rape me. And keep me pregnant. I learned all about herbal abortions, but as soon as I'd miscarry, he'd have me pregnant again.

Finally, the wife of the sergeant hubby was under where we were stationed flat out asked me if I needed help with anything....in that real quiet voice, you know the one I mean. I started crying and asked her if I could use her phone to call my parents 1500 miles away, since I hadn't talked to them in months....hubby hid the cell phone and the house didn't have one.

I cried on her shoulder for awhile and told her how I tried and tried to get away from him without my dad finding out cause I didn't want him to go to jail. She told her husband and sister. Turned out sister was married to a guy from a town 30 mins away from my hometown, and he knew me!

They set it up secretly, put hubby out on a detail in the middle of the desert so they could load up the truck with all mine and the boys' things. Parents were in a hotel off-post waiting. All us girls hugged and cried and my dad shook hands with the men that helped save his daughter.

Three weeks later hubby was dead of a self inflicted gunshot wound to the chest. I still cried for him, I DID love him, what he was when we first married, but I will admit that it feels good that I don't have to worry about him hurting me anymore.

I have found that the best way for a woman to get away from a man is for her to get FAR away, sometimes having to see your abuser all the time makes it harder to resist the manipulation.

[iradney]

I was briefly involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was young, naive and he was a master con man. He crawled into my mind and fsked it up so much that even tho we were only together 2 months, it took me a year to get myself back together.

And he is one of the ONLY exboyfriends that I would happily knee in the crotch if I ever saw him again. Ever.

[SpyOne]

I dont know about you all but if you hit me, swear at me like that, etc there will be no more relationship. period.

Lots of people say that, but they don't really mean it.
I mean, my brother and I once had an arguement that turned violent, and he hit me in the head. "no more relationship"? Nope, he's still my brother. And my roommate. People get angry, stuff happens, we're all human.
Which is exactly why it is so easy for women trapped in a bad relationship to rationalize staying. Forgiving someone for a one-time mistake is easy, but there's a slippery slope between that one-time mistake and a thursday-night routine.

And if you end all relations with anyone who's ever been mad enough at you to swear, you're either going to be very lonely or you're going to have stress-related helth problems to beat the band, because you're going to have to be perfect to keep all your friends happy.


While the guys in your story sound like they have a problem, not everyone who swears at/hits their friends/companions/spouse/mate has a problem. If anyone should know that, it's we here at Customers Suck, because we all should know that some people deserve to be hit.

[SpyOne]

Had a guy get banned from our store by the manager. He was told in no uncertain terms that if he ever came onto the property we would have him arrested.

What did he do?
Well, he was the significant other of one of our employees. One who had been warned several times that her private life was interfering with her job performance, that she was spending too much time on the phone, that she needed a reliable ride, ect.

Well, she had a car and he didn't, so her "ride" to work was him driving her car. He had shown up to drive her to work, and he had obviously had a fender-bender in her car. They had apparently argued about this during the drive.

She came in to work, and was getting herself a coffee before she clocked in, and he came into the store, they yelled at each other briefly (including swearing, which will get you kicked out of our store) and then he punched her in the face and left.
The two cashiers on duty kept asking her to call the police about that, but she wouldn't.

Manager's take on it: your private life is your private life. As far as we could tell, she usually gave as good as she got, both verbally and physically. That works for her, that's fine. But he behaved in our store in a way that was totally unacceptable, and that part becomes our business. He is no longer welcome, not even in our parking lot, not even for a few minutes.
From then on, when he came to pick her up after work he'd have to park on the street and she'd walk out to the car.



Had a friend in much the same boat: he hooked up with a girl who was into power games and getting him arrested. Any time they'd argue, she'd call the cops and lie, saying he'd hit her. State Police openly admitted that their SOP for Domestic Disturbance is that somebody's getting arrested, and all things being equal it's the male. Then she'd go fill out the forms admitting she'd lied to get him released, because for her it was all about the power: she had the power to get him arrested, she had the power to get him released.

Finally we had to tell him we were cutting him off: he couldn't come over when she kicked him out, and he couldn't talk about her with us. We'd warned him she was crazy before he started seeing her, and now it was a matter of self-protection: we needed to keep her out of our lives. No more being an Enabler in his relationship.
Yet that created a whole lot of sympathy in me, because I could see how if you didn't know both of them really well, if you were for example a cop called to the scene and reviewing the records, it could look exactly like it was the other way around: she keeps getting him arrested, then dropping the charges, and that looks like he hits her but then she forgives him. You'd have to know them to realize that she's the abusive one.

[Dilorenzo]

To those that think they're "weak" for not getting out sooner, for not realizing it sooner, you're not. I got out five times before finally a metal poker (thankfully not out of the fire) was attempted to be inserted into my ear before I got it together enough to get out - and it was like going cold turkey (yes, it really is that much like addiction - I was lucky enough to have two loving parents who fielded my calls and kept her away from the house when she tried to come and see me).

But before that last time, I went back each and every time, convinced that she would change that one last time. I can look at myself in the mirror, say that for two years I had the blinders on, but I know I'm not weak. I did get out, in one piece, and anyone who can manage that - any of you who have gotten out - are some of the strongest people out there.

Plus, it sure as hell gave me some interesting scars to show off at parties. Great conversation starters.

[Amethyst Hunter]

I just want to give a BIG to each and every person who has been abused. You are brave, wonderful people.

Abusive scum is just one of the reasons I support the death penalty. I LOATHE such bullies with the fire of a million and one suns.

[greensinestro]

Unfortunately, as others have said, it's not up to us to "fix" an abusive relationship like this. Some women are actually afraid to break free, or have this spell over them from the abusive boyfriend (and sometimes girlfriend). Now, if I were to see this with a father physically abusing his little boy or girl, you'd better believe I would get involved. I have kids of my own and not once have marked up their faces or other parts of their bodies.

[SongsOfDragons]

I worried now.

I haven't had luck with boyfriends at all (i.e. none).

[karma_gypsy]

You can't help anyone - man or woman - "stuck" in an abusive relationship until they want to help themselves, from my experience (experience I'd rather not have, but hey).

It's pretty comparable to addiction, in a lot of ways.

Agreed. A friend of mine was stuck in a relationship with an abusive guy. The fact was, was that he wasn't even good looking - but he did have money. Treated her to a whole new wardrobe - basically whatever she things wanted. But she was headstrong and their relationship was a constant struggle for power. My husband and I often sat on the sidelines and watch their relationship deteriorate to a breakup, then they would be back together again a week later.

She just recently got out of that relationship and is with a new man and is much MUCH happier. She says that now when she looks back on the bad relationship, that her ex really did treat her horribly. It's like she never even noticed he was treating her so badly (it was more verbal abuse than physical - I don't think he ever hit her).