This list has survived several forum hacks and reloads. Several of us members (As much as I would like to take all the credit, I can't.) have made it our personal mission to protect the list and ensure that it survives for future readers.(It has kinda become the Phoenix of this site. Rising from the ashes of the old to signal the birth of the new.
) Sadly, not all entries from past forums where saved and everyone is welcome to make new additions to the list or repost items that where lost. Now enough talk, here is what you all came here for. I had to spread the list across several posts because I am limited to 10,000 characters per post.
"Things I am not allowed to do at work"
1: Not allowed to size up a nice sturdy beam to hang self from.
2: Impolite to offer boss rope first.
3: Making a bullwhip out of extra RJ45 cables is a no-no.
4: Using it on a child in the store is frowned upon.
5: When asked if we sell printer ink, the answer is not "Mayyybe" followed by shifty glances.
6: We also do not sell printer paper by the sheet.
7: Do not respond to the owners requests by clicking heels together & saying "Yes, My Colonel"
8: Giving the finger to customers behind their backs, though somewhat fulfilling, is not polite. And not to be done.
9: Ditto for doing it to their face.
10: Not allowed to put bits of metal in an empty monitor case, carry past owner, fake dropping & look surprised when it makes "weird" sounds.
11: Same for one with a monitor inside.
12: When asked for an easy method to "clear" a hardrive, telling customers to get a 2 lb ballpeen hammer & swing away is not the correct answer..
13. Upon seeing a customer carrying in an archaic printer, not allowed to fake a seizure to get out of the ensuing "tech" question period to follow.
14: or feign not being able to speak english...
15 When a bunch of customers show up at the same time, eenie, meeny, miney, moe is not the right way to pick who I'm going to help first.
16: Same for asking them to draw straws.
17: When a customer calls about the same technical issue...4 days straight...telling them to "flick their power switch off & on really fast about 20 times" isn't a prescribed repair method.
18: I am not the "Funk king of the galaxy".
19: Doing "victory jigs" & yelling "OWNED" after big sales makes cutomers mad.
20: Don't make forts out of computer cases.
21: Do not laugh at other peoples computers when the bring them in...No matter how old they are.
22: Serial & parallel ports are not the "spawn of satan".
23: I cannot invoke "Jihad" in the name of USB or Firewire.
24: Stop crushing customers heads when they walk away..... *crush*....*crush*
25: When told to do something by owner, the correct response is not "why?"or "first I must consult the oracle".
26: Stop referring to myself in the 3rd person.
27: The store is not a "laggy" server.
28 : & I am not console & can't "boot" people from it.
29: Stop swearing in foreign languages...That includes Klingon.
30: Stop making up new languages.
31: Underwear is not optional.
32: Fashioning above from cardboard, duct tape or aluminum foil is frowned upon.
33: Photoshop is not a toy.
34: Subscribing the owner to online pornsites is bad...
35: Same for changing his home page to same site....
36: Or having the magazine for same delivered to the store smile.gif
37: Get down from there....
38: After ringing up sale for customer I cannot fine them for being slow.
39: Or add a %18 tip.
40: Even if they don't notice until 4 hours later....
41: I don't have a pack of "crap flinging monkeys" in the back to summon at my will.
42: When faced with a "busted" computer, the analysis "Hmm, sounds like porn to me" is not to be uttered.
43: Or "Sounds like an id10t issue to me".
44: Ditto for "Must be a pibkac issue" (pibkac = problem is between keyboard and chair)
45: Same with "That's a btfom error" (btfom= beats the f**k outta me)
46: Turning a monitor to face a wall will not "keep the devil out".
47: Stop putting ancient 64 meg ram sticks in demo computers.
48: Stop asking customers to RTFM & reboot.
49: After opening customers case...Don't scratch head, then sloooowly reach for a hammer while they're watching.
50: Stop inventing number systems.
51: "Stop drop & roll" is not a retail sales method.
52: Neither is "light & get away".
53: Smoke, blue sparks & a whiff of ozone are not supposed to come from newly installed power supplies.
54: When same happens while customer is watching, don't turn around with still smoking tower, smile & say "There, it's all done now".
55: When a customer ask for a "cheap" laptop, don't show them an etch-a-sketch.......Or a calculator.
56: The last thing the boss wants to hear from the back is a Nelson laugh....."Haw-haw"
57: It's called a virus scan, not "layin' the smackdown on that code shizzle".
58: After opening a customers computer up, do not call over a tech to "Have a good laugh".
59: After being asked about upgrade options on same computer, do not produce a hamster wheel or an etch-a-sketch. smile.gif
60: While adding/replacing a component in a computer, don't snap an old CD case in side to simulate breaking the motherboard, then quietly say "oops".
61: Don't offer customer a blindfold or last cigarette after putting computer on bench for repairs.
62: I am not dutch, so stop walking around talking like "Goldmember" from Austin Powers......DUTCHHATER!!
63: When a customer asks for a deal, the response isn't "Sure, 2 for twice the price".
64: Same goes for raising the price after they ask.
65: When a number system is in use for customers waiting...Don't arbitrarilly call any number I feel like calling. ( I.E. number on display is 43....call # 862 )
66: Or letters.....
67: Shuffle my feet on a carpet, then walk around the tech area demanding a ransom for I am "The Archduke of Static".
68: I am a male & do not experience "that time of the month", so get back out on the floor.
69: Not allowed to edit posts on online forums while at work.
70: Installing Windows 95 on a customers computer, while funny, isn't store policy.
71: Stop teasing people with Intel chipsets.
72: Don't refer to dial-up as "morse code".
73: It's called a "release date" not "doomsday for the 32 bit OS" (Vista wink.gif )
74: Don't release crickets in owners office.
75: Especially one at a time, over a period of weeks.
76: Same for adjusting desk height 1/4 of an inch daily for 3 weeks.
77: Post no bills.............Nuff said.
78: Stop having military recuitment pamphlets sent to co-workers I don't like.
79: Or any other "cult" propaganda.
80: Stop telling seniors that wireless routers will transmit all your personal info city wide.
81: The lunchroom fridge is meant for lunches, not a case of beer, liqour or any wines.
82: Ditto for a whole turkey.
83: Spongebath in lunchroom sink?....Bad.
84: Close the door while using bathroom.
85: I'm not a lumberjack & I'm not ok...So stop singing that stupid song.
86: Stop doing "Monty Pythonish" skits during work hours.
87: IDE cables are not clothing, headbands or underwear.
88: If I giggle about something for more than 15 seconds, I'm not allowed to do it.
89: ...Or say what I was thinking either.
90: It's called "company policy" not "The lesser of two evils", so shutup & do it.
91: When told to be clean shaven for work, that means "facial area"......Nowhere else. biggrin.gif
92: Trying to E-bay store product for a better percentage annoys the owner. Stop doing that.
93: Same for hawking it at a pawn shop...
94: Unless he gets a better margin...
95: I am not the "Generalissimo of Rudesylvania".
96: ....Even if I have business cards that say so.
97: Tricks are not for kids
98: When faced with a stupid / plain old fashioned customer with dumbassed questions, I cannot roll around on the ground like I'm on fire. (I.E. Those Duo core processors use up the batteries twice as fast huh?)
99: Even if the owner agrees with me...
100: Want your paycheck? Take off that stupid hat.
101: Do not photoshop pic of owners wife naked with same hat.
102: when asked a rather DUMB question......please don't make snorting & guffawing sounds. Unless everyone gets to hear it from now on.