This is a short one, but it's driving me nuts.
Sometimes customers will call in with questions about our software. They aren't supposed to call me (they are supposed to call their hosting company) but they do.
Right after helping a nutjob with his code because he insists he already read the tutorial and knows HTML--despite the fact he demonstrated that he had not and does not--I get this
gem. I'll admit, I had run out of polite-juice and the brain-to-mouth filter was flickering. I was never rude, though, just not as polite as I could be.
SC: Hi. I'm with HOST COMPANY and I'm trying to move to a different server.
Me: Where is the new server?
SC: HOST COMPANY.
Me: So you are staying with the same host, you're just moving from one server to another?
SC: Yes. I understand your company does this?
Me: We have a migration service for moving from one company to another unaffiliated company. It's to help customers that aren't with hosting companies that directly offer our services. HOST COMPANY is
a company that supports our software. They would need to do the move for you.
SC: I don't like HOST COMPANY (So why on earth are you with them?!) They're customer service is awful. I want you guys to do it.
Me: (I don't know why you like us, we don't HAVE customer service) I'm sorry, sir, we don't have access to their servers. We couldn't make the move for you if we wanted to.
SC: I can give you access, that's no problem.
Me: You can give us access to our software, but not to the servers. You can't give us the access we need. You'll need to contact HOST COMPANY to assist you with moving your store---
SC: That's not what I was told last week. That's disconcerting.
Me: (Aaaaand that's a lie. I KNOW no one here would have said differently) The most I can do for you is contact the highest tiers of customer support at HOST COMPANY. If you send an e-mail to email@example.com
, I'd be happy to pass the information.
You are a fetid waste of air. You are an illigitimate son. You are the third illigitimate son which your mother did not want because she conceived you while "dancing" with an old dirty muffin tin. Your father is a fragment of bacteria.
Yet your brain is strangely developed. You somehow drew the conclusion that a software company
could do the job of a hosting company. We are not one and the same. I'm not sure how the thought process "I am hosted with HOST COMPANY. I want to stay with this host but change servers. Rather than, y'know contacting HOST COMPANY to move around in their system
, I'll call Balgram and wear down some more patience this morning." even came to be.
Not the suckiest customer, not by a LONG SHOT, but still. The first fellow this morning spent 30 minutes on the phone. He calls every day
. Next time I'm dropping him in 5 minutes, it's ridiculous. I was really hoping for a halfway decent customer, or at least one with questions that I can really answer.