A question, I suppose...

thegiraffe · #1 07-29-2009, 07:57 PM

Backstory: I'm pretty awkward around guys. I'm fine if he's a friend or whatever, but I have NO clue how to flirt. Due to a variety of circumstances from my younger years, the whole dating thing is kind of weird. At 23, I've only dated 3 guys, and only one was halfway serious.

I was at the grocery store today, and saw a guy who was absolutely gorgeous (I think I sound like a high schooler here). He was tall, brown hair, brown eyes, dressed well... I had NO clue what to do. I tried to like make eye contact or get his attention or whatever, but I was really grasping at straws. I didn't want to seem desperate or whatever, but I guess I'm not as graceful as getting WANTED attention as I should be. Any ideas? I'm terrified of being flirtatious (or seen as flirtatious), and I'm far too shy to be obvious about it.

I'm evidently quite good at attracting UNWANTED attention though. I was getting gas last week and as I was getting into my car, this dude walked by and winked at me like 5 times. As I was driving away, I rolled my window down and told him that "winking at girls at the gas station is not how you pick girls up". I don't handle the unwanted stuff well at all.

So I suppose my question is two-fold: how do I approach guys that I'm interested in, and how do I *nicely* turn down the unwanted attention? I should know this stuff, but I don't.

RecoveringKinkoid · #2 07-29-2009, 10:15 PM

Well, I used to just let a guy catch me looking at him.

Look a little too long, make eye contact, then look away.

You just signalled to him that you noticed him and probably found him attractive. If he's interested, he'll probably approach you. If not, no harm no foul.

As for turning down unwanted attention, just don't reciprocate. The guy winking, I just would have politely ignored. If he still approached me, I'd simply not linger or respond beyond civil niceties when he tried to speak to me.

If he still persisted, I'd stop being polite and just leave his presence.

Sometimes people just flirt becuase they like flirting and that's it. You just skirt around them till you can get away, if you aren't interested in the game.

thegiraffe · #3 07-30-2009, 08:34 PM

Thanks, RK. I guess I wasn't sure what the deal was because either he didn't notice or he pretended not to. I don't really know what the deal is. I did look for a ring and didn't see one though. There's always the possibility that he's gay haha.

I have an incredibly difficult time being polite to guys who make unwanted advances. In fact, I don't think I've ever been polite in that kind of situation. I'm super protective of myself (way too protective, I know), so my instincts or whatever you want to call them tend to kick in before I can think. That's why flirting is so foreign to me - I've taught myself to avoid all eye contact and avert all glances. I'm learning, slowly but surely.

Sheldonrs · #4 07-30-2009, 09:50 PM

I usually attract them by answering their ads and let them know that, yes I AM good at that and no, I don't mind if they use poppers.

What?!!! Am I the only one here?

Rapscallion · #5 07-30-2009, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Quoth Sheldonrs

What?!!! Am I the only one here?

The only one without hangups about initiating romance?

Probably. Well, at least one of a small group of likeminded people, I guess.

Mate of mine with me on holiday recently came out with a very profound statement, which isn't like him.

"The early stages of a relationship are like psychological warfare."

I suspect that struck a chord. Right?

Of course, you could go through all the bullshit and after a couple of glances exchanged walk up to the object of your interest and suggest that you meet for non-alcoholic (for the first meeting) drinks at a cafe over the road, or similar.

With the amount of people not doing that, I'm constantly baffled by how we've managed to overpopulate the planet

Rapscallion

Sheldonrs · #6 07-30-2009, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Quoth Rapscallion

... I'm constantly baffled by how we've managed to overpopulate the planet

Rapscallion

Don't look at me!

It's me · #7 07-30-2009, 11:04 PM

Quote:

Quoth thegiraffe

Any ideas? I'm terrified of being flirtatious (or seen as flirtatious), and I'm far too shy to be obvious about it.

Okay, I am a guy. And one thing guys love to do is give advice! (Which is one of the communication issues between men and women... women vent and their guys starting trying to provide advice when all the woman wants is someone to listen... but I digress!) What you need to do... is find a way to the guy give you advice!

So.... If you are in a store and see a guy you like... wait until he starts to look at something (anything!) go over and look at the same stuff. If he is looking at soup... go look at soup. If's looking at gum... look at gum. Then ask the guy if he knows anything about it. Keep in mind that you don't even need a really clever question... when looking at the soup, you could ask "Did you see where they put the tomato soup?" Even if it is right in front of your face!

See, you now have something to talk about, easy. Now, if the guy seems okay and is at all interested, drag him into the rest of your shopping... "hey, do you think you could help me find the crackers?" (or shoes or wing nuts or screwdrivers or whatever)... And don't worry about the request seeming weird... either the guy is going to figure out what you are up and will go along with it, go along with it because you just made mush outof his brains

or will find a way to escape.

NightWatch · #8 07-30-2009, 11:42 PM

My biggest piece of advice is learn to not fear rejection! If I see a guy who seems interesting, I have no problem walking over and striking up a conversation. If he tells me he's not interested for whatever reason, I apologize and then politely walk away. The worst that can really happen is he says no.

sms001 · #9 07-31-2009, 02:22 AM

Quote:

Quoth NightWatch

If I see a guy who seems interesting, I have no problem walking over and striking up a conversation. If he tells me he's not interested for whatever reason, I apologize and then politely walk away. The worst that can really happen is he says no.

Lots of guys would really appreciate this approach - and as an added bonus, they tend to be fairly self-confident guys too. If I could correct one small matter though - don't apologize. Say "Thanks anyway." or something along those lines. The apology isn't really needed because what you did should be flattering, not bad.

I really think a pretty straight approach is often a good one thegiraffe. Also, you say you aren't good at deflecting unwanted attention, but you seemed to fire from the hip pretty well at the winker.

blas · #10 07-31-2009, 02:33 AM

If it's a guy I'm interested in, I just walk up and say "Hi" (I'm not sure how comfortable you'd be at doing this at work, unless he came through your line or approached you first) and keep things cool and casual.

That usually works....if he doesn't answer or gets all shy, then I just bid goodbye and go on to the next one. My life is too short to spend dealing with guys who are too shy or hard to figure out before you even exchange numbers or make plans.

I agree with you on the unwanted advances. I have a very hard time being polite, but only when it's a creepy unwanted advance. If a guy I wouldn't be interested in chats me up or tries to ask me out, I just politely say no and hope that's enough. If a nasty guy approaches me and uses pickup lines or acts trashy, then I have no qualms about telling him where he can go and what he can do with himself.