A question, I suppose...

[thegiraffe]

Backstory: I'm pretty awkward around guys. I'm fine if he's a friend or whatever, but I have NO clue how to flirt. Due to a variety of circumstances from my younger years, the whole dating thing is kind of weird. At 23, I've only dated 3 guys, and only one was halfway serious.

I was at the grocery store today, and saw a guy who was absolutely gorgeous (I think I sound like a high schooler here). He was tall, brown hair, brown eyes, dressed well... I had NO clue what to do. I tried to like make eye contact or get his attention or whatever, but I was really grasping at straws. I didn't want to seem desperate or whatever, but I guess I'm not as graceful as getting WANTED attention as I should be. Any ideas? I'm terrified of being flirtatious (or seen as flirtatious), and I'm far too shy to be obvious about it.

I'm evidently quite good at attracting UNWANTED attention though. I was getting gas last week and as I was getting into my car, this dude walked by and winked at me like 5 times. As I was driving away, I rolled my window down and told him that "winking at girls at the gas station is not how you pick girls up". I don't handle the unwanted stuff well at all.

So I suppose my question is two-fold: how do I approach guys that I'm interested in, and how do I *nicely* turn down the unwanted attention? I should know this stuff, but I don't.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, I used to just let a guy catch me looking at him.

Look a little too long, make eye contact, then look away.

You just signalled to him that you noticed him and probably found him attractive. If he's interested, he'll probably approach you. If not, no harm no foul.

As for turning down unwanted attention, just don't reciprocate. The guy winking, I just would have politely ignored. If he still approached me, I'd simply not linger or respond beyond civil niceties when he tried to speak to me.

If he still persisted, I'd stop being polite and just leave his presence.

Sometimes people just flirt becuase they like flirting and that's it. You just skirt around them till you can get away, if you aren't interested in the game.

[thegiraffe]

Thanks, RK. I guess I wasn't sure what the deal was because either he didn't notice or he pretended not to. I don't really know what the deal is. I did look for a ring and didn't see one though. There's always the possibility that he's gay haha.

I have an incredibly difficult time being polite to guys who make unwanted advances. In fact, I don't think I've ever been polite in that kind of situation. I'm super protective of myself (way too protective, I know), so my instincts or whatever you want to call them tend to kick in before I can think. That's why flirting is so foreign to me - I've taught myself to avoid all eye contact and avert all glances. I'm learning, slowly but surely.

[Sheldonrs]

I usually attract them by answering their ads and let them know that, yes I AM good at that and no, I don't mind if they use poppers.


What?!!! Am I the only one here?

[Rapscallion]

What?!!! Am I the only one here?

The only one without hangups about initiating romance?

Probably. Well, at least one of a small group of likeminded people, I guess.

Mate of mine with me on holiday recently came out with a very profound statement, which isn't like him.

"The early stages of a relationship are like psychological warfare."

I suspect that struck a chord. Right?

Of course, you could go through all the bullshit and after a couple of glances exchanged walk up to the object of your interest and suggest that you meet for non-alcoholic (for the first meeting) drinks at a cafe over the road, or similar.

With the amount of people not doing that, I'm constantly baffled by how we've managed to overpopulate the planet

Rapscallion

[Sheldonrs]

... I'm constantly baffled by how we've managed to overpopulate the planet

Rapscallion

Don't look at me!

[It's me]

Any ideas? I'm terrified of being flirtatious (or seen as flirtatious), and I'm far too shy to be obvious about it.

Okay, I am a guy. And one thing guys love to do is give advice! (Which is one of the communication issues between men and women... women vent and their guys starting trying to provide advice when all the woman wants is someone to listen... but I digress!) What you need to do... is find a way to the guy give you advice!

So.... If you are in a store and see a guy you like... wait until he starts to look at something (anything!) go over and look at the same stuff. If he is looking at soup... go look at soup. If's looking at gum... look at gum. Then ask the guy if he knows anything about it. Keep in mind that you don't even need a really clever question... when looking at the soup, you could ask "Did you see where they put the tomato soup?" Even if it is right in front of your face!

See, you now have something to talk about, easy. Now, if the guy seems okay and is at all interested, drag him into the rest of your shopping... "hey, do you think you could help me find the crackers?" (or shoes or wing nuts or screwdrivers or whatever)... And don't worry about the request seeming weird... either the guy is going to figure out what you are up and will go along with it, go along with it because you just made mush outof his brains or will find a way to escape.

[NightWatch]

My biggest piece of advice is learn to not fear rejection! If I see a guy who seems interesting, I have no problem walking over and striking up a conversation. If he tells me he's not interested for whatever reason, I apologize and then politely walk away. The worst that can really happen is he says no.

[sms001]

If I see a guy who seems interesting, I have no problem walking over and striking up a conversation. If he tells me he's not interested for whatever reason, I apologize and then politely walk away. The worst that can really happen is he says no.

Lots of guys would really appreciate this approach - and as an added bonus, they tend to be fairly self-confident guys too. If I could correct one small matter though - don't apologize. Say "Thanks anyway." or something along those lines. The apology isn't really needed because what you did should be flattering, not bad.

I really think a pretty straight approach is often a good one thegiraffe. Also, you say you aren't good at deflecting unwanted attention, but you seemed to fire from the hip pretty well at the winker.

[blas]

If it's a guy I'm interested in, I just walk up and say "Hi" (I'm not sure how comfortable you'd be at doing this at work, unless he came through your line or approached you first) and keep things cool and casual.

That usually works....if he doesn't answer or gets all shy, then I just bid goodbye and go on to the next one. My life is too short to spend dealing with guys who are too shy or hard to figure out before you even exchange numbers or make plans.

I agree with you on the unwanted advances. I have a very hard time being polite, but only when it's a creepy unwanted advance. If a guy I wouldn't be interested in chats me up or tries to ask me out, I just politely say no and hope that's enough. If a nasty guy approaches me and uses pickup lines or acts trashy, then I have no qualms about telling him where he can go and what he can do with himself.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Don't look at me!

Sheldonrs! Stop, you are KILLING ME.

[thegiraffe]

Okay, I am a guy. And one thing guys love to do is give advice! [...]What you need to do... is find a way to the guy give you advice!

Good tactic! I like it because I don't have to be so...obvious about it.

Also, you say you aren't good at deflecting unwanted attention, but you seemed to fire from the hip pretty well at the winker.

Problem is that I'm TOO good at firing at the hip. I'm liable to tell someone off just because they stared a second too long and I didn't feel like being looked at right then. I'm working on it, I am.

If it's a guy I'm interested in, I just walk up and say "Hi" [...]
If a guy I wouldn't be interested in chats me up or tries to ask me out, I just politely say no and hope that's enough. If a nasty guy approaches me and uses pickup lines or acts trashy, then I have no qualms about telling him where he can go and what he can do with himself.

I WISH I could just walk up and say hi to a guy! I'd probably get all nervous and start talking about all kinds of random stuff making a complete fool of myself haha. Baby steps!!

And as far as the unwanted stuff...in the heat of the moment, I have a hard time distinguishing between harmless flirting and creepiness. My head automatically pushes the panic button for both types. As I said above, I'm working on it, but it's requiring a lot of conscious re-programming and tongue biting.

This thread is actually part of working on it, as I tend to learn social behaviors from watching, but I can't watch people flirt...it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I know, I should probably see a counselor or something (believe me, I've thought about it), but I need to get a job with a steady income first.

[Barracuda]

Ah, finding someone interesting to start a relationship with. One of the simplest things in the world-NOT! First off, I wouldn't worry too much about being 23 and not having had a serious relationship. I'm 28, and I have only had 4 relationships, none of which were serious and only 1 of which lasted longer than 3 months. Trying too hard is something I have struggled with personally on many occasions-I can get waaay too eager, and scare girls into thinking I'm creepy. Learning to tone it down and show self confidence without acting like a mountain lion leaping on a steak is just something that comes with experience. I would try to hang out with guys in groups more. Try to make sure there are people around that you know, that way it isn't just you one on one with a guy that you find intimidating. Also remember-Men find pretty girls intimidating as all get out (unless they're the swaggering stuck up kind you probably don't want to date anyway. Then they think they're God's gift to women. ) I STILL get tongue tied around a girl I want to get to know better. Other ideas? Try to put yourself in social situations where you can meet guys without the pressure--take a class, join a club or organization, etc. where you get introduced and can strike up a conversation and get to know the guy without it being quite as stressful as walking up to stranger and going, "You're cute!" As for the reacting strongly to guys being interested in you that you aren't interested in-I'm afraid that is outside my experience. Not exactly the most attractive guy, you know? However, I would point out that physical attraction is very much an "area effect" and not a precision guided weapon. Unless the guy is rude about it, I do think you're overreacting a tad. Please don't take offense, but it is rather silly to on one hand, have the attitude that you want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex, and on the other, be irritated or short with men who find you attractive but aren't what you were looking for. How were they supposed to know they weren't your type? I understand women, especially now, have to be careful. Just something to think about. And overall, I wouldn't worry too much. Even if you never master the art of approaching attractive men, you're a pretty girl. I'm sure eventually you'll meet a guy who is assertive enough for the two of you and is what you're looking for.

[thegiraffe]

I would try to hang out with guys in groups more. [...] Also remember-Men find pretty girls intimidating as all get out (unless they're the swaggering stuck up kind you probably don't want to date anyway. Then they think they're God's gift to women. )

Yeah, I definitely like the group setting. I'm working on kind of getting back into the social scene to an extent. I was living in the woods 120 hours a week with troubled teens for the last year, so my social life went completely out the window. As a result, it's kind of unnerving to be in a social situation - it's foreign to me! Once I get a job, I'm hoping to kind of ease my way back in.

And I think you're onto something with the intimidating thing. It took me until a couple years ago to figure out that I intimidate guys to an extent. I'm very tall - 6'0", and can be quite loud and outspoken and I'm not always very self-aware. It dawned on me a couple years ago that I scared away all the guys in high school - which probably wasn't a bad thing, mind you.

Yikes with the "swaggering" type! Ugh...I went to high school with a ton of them, and it drove me up the wall to watch them try to be all don juan and all. No offense, but guys can be real idiots sometimes (and so can the girls who believe the act).

Unless the guy is rude about it, I do think you're overreacting a tad. Please don't take offense, but it is rather silly to on one hand, have the attitude that you want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex, and on the other, be irritated or short with men who find you attractive but aren't what you were looking for... I understand women, especially now, have to be careful.

No offense taken. I know that I overreact - it's a defense mechanism on my part. I was sexually abused when I was 12 and I had a "boyfriend" try to take advantage of me in college... "firing from the hip" as SMS put it has kept me safe for several years - they're not going to do anything if I can scare them off. It's not even a conscious reaction, it just kind of happens. I'm still working on appropriate responses to those guys. I've been in uncomfortable situations (i.e. the college "boyfriend") and several behaviors came out that I later identified as defensive. For some reason, I saw D (the college bf) as an abuser. I don't know if it was my instinct, because he was a bad judgment call to date, but I would act very strange around him, and then I would look back and I would feel a sense of duality. It was almost like I was two different people living two completely separate lives. I now understand why, but I can't allow myself to go through something like that again without someone safe.

Even if you never master the art of approaching attractive men, you're a pretty girl. I'm sure eventually you'll meet a guy who is assertive enough for the two of you and is what you're looking for.

Aww, thanks . I kind of have a feeling I haven't met someone yet because it's not my time. I have a lot of stuff to work through and figure out before being in a serious relationship (as evidenced here), but is it so bad to just...date? I need the practice haha.

Life can be pretty stinkin' frustrating sometimes...

[smileyeagle1021]

[QUOTE=thegiraffe;600043 There's always the possibility that he's gay haha.
[/QUOTE]

well, a guy can hope

My biggest piece of advice is learn to not fear rejection!

AMEN sister!
failing that... you could always find a Wiccan friend to cast a love spell for you