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Hello again (long)
It's been awhile. I had contemplated leaving for good since these days I don't have the time (or connection) to browse like I used to, but something Ree said to me made me reconsider. (Also, major life changes ahead of me and I will need whatever support I can get for them. Hey, I'll take it where I can get it.)
So without further ado, let me share some things I have learned in recent months.
1) New car is good. New car is very, very good. I love my new car. It is my baby. I shall pet her and hug her and love her and call her...The Bomb. Because she is.
2) Clutter-clearing is good. Getting rid of stuff that isn't needed or particularly wanted is good, and creates good karma so that better stuff can come into life. Also a good pick-me-up for depression, since clutter tends to breed like rabbits and is usually found on the floor. In many places. And collects dust.
3) Having an end-of-life plan is INCREDIBLY good, and I will vouch for this from personal bitter experience. [Warning: Extreme mouth-frothy ragey bitterness ahead. I apologize for nothing.] Allow me to tell the saga of The Month That Can Heretofore Go Straight To Hell as far as I'm concerned (aka February 2010):
One of my beloved cats 'suddenly' took sick in early February. Long story and vet fuckup short, I come to find out that he has cancer. In the worst possible place, and it's something that would have been recurring (i.e., terminal). What happened after that was not just salt in a wound, it was a motherfucking acid bath followed by gasoline on fire. And this is why, as soon as I can afford to, I am consulting a goddamn lawyer and drawing up my own damn power of attorney to dictate my own future passing.
My parents refused to allow me to have my cat cremated.
I believe that cremation is the only 'right' choice for me, and for my pets. I had it done for a cat of mine seven years ago and I still keep his ashes in my closet. When my (formerly) current two were going to cross that Rainbow Bridge, I would have had it done for them as well. To me, it's the only 'clean' way to go out. I do not, nor have I ever, liked the thought of burial in the ground. My cat was a loyal, faithful friend and he deserved better than to be fucking worm food.
I had the money to cover the expense. I have been largely unemployed for the past 3 years (yay crappy economy!) but I've worked at odd jobs whenever I could, so I had some money to part with. Also, the VERY generous and *unasked-for* donation from dear friends who knew what I was going through helped too.
But that horrid night, my mom would not let me have my cat cremated. I will forever feel guilty for this, for not fighting harder for my cat. If I hadn't been so upset, literally shaking and crying because a piece of my world was ending, I might have been able to. I FUCKING TOLD MY MOTHER REPEATEDLY THAT I WANTED TO HAVE MY CAT CREMATED AND I WOULD HAVE PAID FOR IT MYSELF. She overruled me. I was literally so sick over this I refused to eat for nearly 3 days (gave in on the 3rd because I was really getting *physically* sick).
My dear sweet cat is long since buried now, somewhere in a nameless field. Oh, and they did it without bothering to consult me either, on where to put him or even told me *when* they were going to do it, so I didn't get to grieve over a grave either. I've seen the place (wormed it out of my dad one night). It's not totally terrible, but it's not what I would have chosen. And it's not exactly a place I can go to freely either, since it's on private property and I don't know the owner as well as my dad does.
I will NEVER forgive my parents for doing this. I care about my parents. I don't hate them, and though they have their faults they aren't inherently bad people. But I will NEVER ever forgive them for denying me my choices. I don't know why they would do this to me. Believe me, I have twice as many questions about this as you, gentle readers, probably do. They knew how I felt about my cat. They knew I had the money to pay for the cremation. They don't know this lingering anger I've got, and I've no plans to enlighten them either, since the point is now moot and I'm almost never taken seriously in my family. (Translation: My family is along the lines of "it's just a cat"/"you're making a fuss over nothing" types. Yeah. That don't fly so well with me.) I tried writing a letter once, and every other word or phrase was basically 'fuck you assholes.' (No, that didn't get sent. Nor did the less viciously worded followup I wrote after that.) I've since come to the conclusion that this is just my particular cross to bear, so to speak. But it HAS taught me some damn important lessons.
This is why, kids, I STRONGLY urge you to set up your powers of attorney and have an end-of-life plan in case all gods forbid you wind up bucking the kicket unexpectedly (or even expectedly!). We all handle death differently and we should goddamn well be allowed to handle it each as we see fit. I didn't get to do that, and I will forever be beating myself up for it. I truly believe that if ever I deserved eternal damnation - and this is coming from a lifelong agnostic - it would be for this one thing, that I let my parents steamroll me against my wishes. I have vowed that this will never happen again. Not to me, and not to any other pet I ever have. (I have one elder cat who just turned 9.)
Also, I'm never again using that vet that handled my cat's passing. They missed the cancer the first time I had him in there, and found it a week later when he was getting worse. (Throat cancer - my poor kitty was literally suffocating on a goddamn tumor.) I don't know if anything could have been done to save him if it had been caught earlier, but I really do think they should have noticed it the first time.
It took me a long while to see it, but some good has come of this:
a) I am starting a small savings fund to help other people in need with their kitties' medical bills, in honor of the people who helped me.
b) I have reexamined parts of my life and parental relationships, and have been adjusting as necessary. Nope, after this I don't trust them not to fuck up my wishes if it ever came to pulling the plug on me, hence the future lawyer plan. I refuse to be another vegetable or science experiment just to satisfy someone else's issues or fucked up version of religion. I don't know yet who will be my power of attorney, but I can tell you for sure it ain't going to be my parents.
c) After consulting with friends, I took the money that would have gone towards my cat's cremation and put it towards two local stray kitties that hours after my cat's death literally showed up on my doorstep and adopted me. I now have two healthy, happy and neutered/spayed feline friends in addition to my elder cat. And though elder cat does NOT get along with Mama Cat (the strays are a mother and son pair), accomodations have been made to factor this in. (In any case, I'm taking fledgling steps towards establishing myself in a separate place and once this is viable, I'm taking Elder Cat and Baby Cat with me (since they tolerate each other well enough), and Mama Cat can stay with my folks since they like her. (And hey, if I can wing it, I might even just take Mama Cat too!)
So, thus concludeth the Saga of The Month That Can Kiss My Ass.
4) I can live without having internet at home. (Learned during a 3-month period wherein I had no internet other than what I could get at a library out of town. Long story. Also, dialup blows goats.) I don't like it. But I can do it. And not completely flip my shit. Which leadeth us to:
5) I am voluntarily doing it again next month. Because a possible employment opportunity came up that I decided was best grabbed. So I will most likely once again be relegated to the library, IF they'll let me and assuming they have computers (Trust me on this: do NOT assume anything when it comes to internet). The job isn't ideal, but it IS a job and it's the ONLY solid offer I've had in 3 bloody years. (I've had maybe all of three or four interviews in that timespace, but either my credentials are just too shitty or I'm unknowingly doing something during the actual interview to hose it. Then this deal comes up suddenly...go figure.)
So, Florida CSers,
from a soon-to-be snowbird!
6) The corollary to #5: NEVER EVER EVER LIVE IN A PLACE WHOSE POPULATION IS BELOW 1000 AND IS MORE THAN 10 MILES AWAY FROM ACTUAL CIVILIZATION, unless this is truly what you want to do (I didn't and still don't). Also learned the hard way by yours truly. (Oddly enough, I was just finally starting to get used to this place when the Florida offer came up. Scary, innit?)
7) Learn from my mistakes. I wish you all well in your respective life journeys.
So without further ado, let me share some things I have learned in recent months.
1) New car is good. New car is very, very good. I love my new car. It is my baby. I shall pet her and hug her and love her and call her...The Bomb. Because she is.
2) Clutter-clearing is good. Getting rid of stuff that isn't needed or particularly wanted is good, and creates good karma so that better stuff can come into life. Also a good pick-me-up for depression, since clutter tends to breed like rabbits and is usually found on the floor. In many places. And collects dust.
3) Having an end-of-life plan is INCREDIBLY good, and I will vouch for this from personal bitter experience. [Warning: Extreme mouth-frothy ragey bitterness ahead. I apologize for nothing.] Allow me to tell the saga of The Month That Can Heretofore Go Straight To Hell as far as I'm concerned (aka February 2010):
One of my beloved cats 'suddenly' took sick in early February. Long story and vet fuckup short, I come to find out that he has cancer. In the worst possible place, and it's something that would have been recurring (i.e., terminal). What happened after that was not just salt in a wound, it was a motherfucking acid bath followed by gasoline on fire. And this is why, as soon as I can afford to, I am consulting a goddamn lawyer and drawing up my own damn power of attorney to dictate my own future passing.
My parents refused to allow me to have my cat cremated.
I believe that cremation is the only 'right' choice for me, and for my pets. I had it done for a cat of mine seven years ago and I still keep his ashes in my closet. When my (formerly) current two were going to cross that Rainbow Bridge, I would have had it done for them as well. To me, it's the only 'clean' way to go out. I do not, nor have I ever, liked the thought of burial in the ground. My cat was a loyal, faithful friend and he deserved better than to be fucking worm food.
I had the money to cover the expense. I have been largely unemployed for the past 3 years (yay crappy economy!) but I've worked at odd jobs whenever I could, so I had some money to part with. Also, the VERY generous and *unasked-for* donation from dear friends who knew what I was going through helped too.
But that horrid night, my mom would not let me have my cat cremated. I will forever feel guilty for this, for not fighting harder for my cat. If I hadn't been so upset, literally shaking and crying because a piece of my world was ending, I might have been able to. I FUCKING TOLD MY MOTHER REPEATEDLY THAT I WANTED TO HAVE MY CAT CREMATED AND I WOULD HAVE PAID FOR IT MYSELF. She overruled me. I was literally so sick over this I refused to eat for nearly 3 days (gave in on the 3rd because I was really getting *physically* sick).
My dear sweet cat is long since buried now, somewhere in a nameless field. Oh, and they did it without bothering to consult me either, on where to put him or even told me *when* they were going to do it, so I didn't get to grieve over a grave either. I've seen the place (wormed it out of my dad one night). It's not totally terrible, but it's not what I would have chosen. And it's not exactly a place I can go to freely either, since it's on private property and I don't know the owner as well as my dad does.
I will NEVER forgive my parents for doing this. I care about my parents. I don't hate them, and though they have their faults they aren't inherently bad people. But I will NEVER ever forgive them for denying me my choices. I don't know why they would do this to me. Believe me, I have twice as many questions about this as you, gentle readers, probably do. They knew how I felt about my cat. They knew I had the money to pay for the cremation. They don't know this lingering anger I've got, and I've no plans to enlighten them either, since the point is now moot and I'm almost never taken seriously in my family. (Translation: My family is along the lines of "it's just a cat"/"you're making a fuss over nothing" types. Yeah. That don't fly so well with me.) I tried writing a letter once, and every other word or phrase was basically 'fuck you assholes.' (No, that didn't get sent. Nor did the less viciously worded followup I wrote after that.) I've since come to the conclusion that this is just my particular cross to bear, so to speak. But it HAS taught me some damn important lessons.
This is why, kids, I STRONGLY urge you to set up your powers of attorney and have an end-of-life plan in case all gods forbid you wind up bucking the kicket unexpectedly (or even expectedly!). We all handle death differently and we should goddamn well be allowed to handle it each as we see fit. I didn't get to do that, and I will forever be beating myself up for it. I truly believe that if ever I deserved eternal damnation - and this is coming from a lifelong agnostic - it would be for this one thing, that I let my parents steamroll me against my wishes. I have vowed that this will never happen again. Not to me, and not to any other pet I ever have. (I have one elder cat who just turned 9.)
Also, I'm never again using that vet that handled my cat's passing. They missed the cancer the first time I had him in there, and found it a week later when he was getting worse. (Throat cancer - my poor kitty was literally suffocating on a goddamn tumor.) I don't know if anything could have been done to save him if it had been caught earlier, but I really do think they should have noticed it the first time.
It took me a long while to see it, but some good has come of this:
a) I am starting a small savings fund to help other people in need with their kitties' medical bills, in honor of the people who helped me.
b) I have reexamined parts of my life and parental relationships, and have been adjusting as necessary. Nope, after this I don't trust them not to fuck up my wishes if it ever came to pulling the plug on me, hence the future lawyer plan. I refuse to be another vegetable or science experiment just to satisfy someone else's issues or fucked up version of religion. I don't know yet who will be my power of attorney, but I can tell you for sure it ain't going to be my parents.
c) After consulting with friends, I took the money that would have gone towards my cat's cremation and put it towards two local stray kitties that hours after my cat's death literally showed up on my doorstep and adopted me. I now have two healthy, happy and neutered/spayed feline friends in addition to my elder cat. And though elder cat does NOT get along with Mama Cat (the strays are a mother and son pair), accomodations have been made to factor this in. (In any case, I'm taking fledgling steps towards establishing myself in a separate place and once this is viable, I'm taking Elder Cat and Baby Cat with me (since they tolerate each other well enough), and Mama Cat can stay with my folks since they like her. (And hey, if I can wing it, I might even just take Mama Cat too!)
So, thus concludeth the Saga of The Month That Can Kiss My Ass.
4) I can live without having internet at home. (Learned during a 3-month period wherein I had no internet other than what I could get at a library out of town. Long story. Also, dialup blows goats.) I don't like it. But I can do it. And not completely flip my shit. Which leadeth us to:
5) I am voluntarily doing it again next month. Because a possible employment opportunity came up that I decided was best grabbed. So I will most likely once again be relegated to the library, IF they'll let me and assuming they have computers (Trust me on this: do NOT assume anything when it comes to internet). The job isn't ideal, but it IS a job and it's the ONLY solid offer I've had in 3 bloody years. (I've had maybe all of three or four interviews in that timespace, but either my credentials are just too shitty or I'm unknowingly doing something during the actual interview to hose it. Then this deal comes up suddenly...go figure.)
So, Florida CSers,
from a soon-to-be snowbird!6) The corollary to #5: NEVER EVER EVER LIVE IN A PLACE WHOSE POPULATION IS BELOW 1000 AND IS MORE THAN 10 MILES AWAY FROM ACTUAL CIVILIZATION, unless this is truly what you want to do (I didn't and still don't). Also learned the hard way by yours truly. (Oddly enough, I was just finally starting to get used to this place when the Florida offer came up. Scary, innit?)
7) Learn from my mistakes. I wish you all well in your respective life journeys.
Plus my allergies have really jumped into the hellbasket the past 3 years so I'll be doubly glad to get some RELIEF from that crap. (Grain elevator dust: gotta love it.)
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