My Immortal--The Worst Fanfic EVER!!!

[Dreamstalker]

"Drako pot his wetnes"

I'm not even going to TRY figuring out what the hell she's trying to say...although given what most of this pile of garbage is about I can probably tell (yep, horny little raving fangirl...er, no, fangirl would imply she knows the universe which clearly is not the case. OK, horny little raving nutjob.).

The comments are uncovering some great lines

[Kara]

I read. I laughed. I cried. I reviewed.

Now let me never speak of this atrocity again. This girl is the literary equivalent of Uwe Boll.

[BlackIronCrown]

(WTF is "gothic writing", anyhoo?)

Gothic writing is mostly crap. Some of it is good; see Christa Faust, Poppy Z. Brite, Caitlin McKiernan, and....shoot. I have some others.

However this is only the SECOND WORST 'gawthik writin' I have seen. The worst is hands down:

NICKOLAUS A. PACIONE!

I shall post a paragraph from his marvelous story, Insect:

From this that eludes me which I pen this – as what I say what eludes me is sleep, and from the sleep becomes the etchings where the dreams begin. In them as they are typed, from the tired fingers I would draw from them in the eyes which sagged on with the thoughts that keep me awake. The waking thoughts as they would be there are what caused me to awaken violently a few days ago – that it would be still in the waning darkness which it would be described. That it would become from the eyes as they wait for the medications to take effect. It would draw from the years that passed, though what is written in the times of the present. In the eyes of the sleeping that I would not be able to tell if I was dreaming. In a glow of the screen looking back as it has a life or eyes of its own while it looks back at me. It would become in form of the grim details waiting as the body begins to fall asleep, from the frantic details as they would appear within the dream as they would be related here on the word processor.

Considering he's writing a Cthulhu Mythos story, I'm wondering if reading his stuff is supposed to drive me insane. Actually, it's this sentence from the second paragraph that gives me shivers:

In the effects of the medicine while it takes effect would follow the details proceeding, knowing that it would be from there – in the places I describe as a dense fog, like that which is in London.

Zounds! It's fantastic! Let's do a fandango!

You may read all about this author and his wankery at this location, purchase his short stories at this Amazon link, where he deleted 99.9% of his harsh reviews, and read his works online here.

[ladyklack]

My favorite line-

"Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!

Lupin was chewing to video footage of a girl in a tub???? LOL

[Kara]

My favorite line-

"Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!

By far I think my favorite was the fact that everyone keeps "frenching passively." How does that even happen? I imagine one person laying on the floor with their mouth open, and the other person walks by and trips, then falls over with their tongue hanging out.

And the one part where Malfoy had an "eructation."

And the fact that our depressed, blood-crying, black corset "thingy" wearing vampire wannabe eats Count Chocula. With blood.

I need to stop before I wind up reading this thing again...

[Dreamstalker]

Gothic writing is mostly crap. Some of it is good; see Christa Faust, Poppy Z. Brite, Caitlin McKiernan, and....shoot. I have some others.

However this is only the SECOND WORST 'gawthik writin' I have seen. The worst is hands down:

NICKOLAUS A. PACIONE!

I'm wondering if reading his stuff is supposed to drive me insane. Actually, it's this sentence from the second paragraph that gives me shivers:

In the effects of the medicine while it takes effect would follow the details proceeding, knowing that it would be from there – in the places I describe as a dense fog, like that which is in London.

...Bwugh?! Eeek...ow, my brain. One of my muses just hid under the bed. (why, why, why do I try to make sense of things that have no sense to be made of them?)

Poppy Brite I like.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Plus, she's convieniently forgotten that Hogwarts has a uniform? Oh my god, I want to hunt this Sue down and throw her in a vat of steaming acid. -___- She has committed a crime against humanity.

[Boozy]

My favorite line-
"Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!

Later, Dumbledore "constipates" the video.

[Lace Neil Singer]

The review section is hilarious tho. I'm now reading that instead. XD

Mrs. Smith
2007-04-29
ch 5, anon. Tara, as your English teacher, I have decided that I need to take action. Never in my twenty-five years of teaching have I ever seen the English language raped so horribly. Sadly, it doesn't suprise me that this monstrosity has come from you, since you are the only student ever known at our school to recieve no higher grade than a zero in any of their classes. For the sake of my reputation and the sanity of the world, PLEASE STOP WRITING! And by the way- you now have detention for the rest of the year!!

[XCashier]

Oh my god, I want to hunt this Sue down and throw her in a vat of steaming acid.

How about this instead?

Gah, I couldn't get past the first few pages. Spelling errors, word usage errors, grammatical errors, characterization errors, way too much description of pointless, minor things and the usual prepubescent-trying-and-failing-to-sound-oh-so-grown-up crap. Just thinking about it is painful.

I've read some very good fanfics, stuff that is professional quality. This story is as far from it as if the author had allowed her kitten to walk across the keyboard. No, scratch that, the kitten would've written a better story!

[Lace Neil Singer]

How about this instead?

That'll do nicely.

And she keeps protesting she's not a Sue... hmm, I put her thru the Mary Sue Litmus Test ( http://www.onlyfiction.net/marysue2.html ) and Enoby/Ebony scored 228. Results:

71 points or more: Irredeemable-Sue. You're going to have to start over, my friend. I know you want to keep writing, but no. Just no.

She's apparently in the Encylopedia Dramatica, but I can't get on to it right now to see.

[JuniorMintz]

I 1-der, if I masticated seductivly and passively enough, would I start gettin' one of those 'orgasm thingies" I hurd about? Or butter yet, I shud just seductivly snort sum Invisibility coke instead? Maybe right off Hermione's azz, while she wers one of those gothick corset thigies- then I culd french passivly with Drako while Harry spys on us, then we cud all masticate 2gether to the video-that sounds more fun ten masticating alone, rite?

(headdesk)

And yet, I can't stop reading! It's horrifying yet hilarious! And oh, the comments!

[XCashier]

Reminds me of this comic: http://usrbinw00t.comicgenesis.com/d/20030420.html

Or this one: http://usrbinw00t.comicgenesis.com/d/20030314.html

Hee hee!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I 1-der, if I masticated seductivly and passively enough, would I start gettin' one of those 'orgasm thingies" I hurd about? Or butter yet, I shud just seductivly snort sum Invisibility coke instead? Maybe right off Hermione's azz, while she wers one of those gothick corset thigies- then I culd french passivly with Drako while Harry spys on us, then we cud all masticate 2gether to the video-that sounds more fun ten masticating alone, rite?

!

It's "goffik". Get it right!

Or else I will sexily get out a "steak" and kut myself so everthng goez blak.

[derangedperson]

I read one chapter of that a long time ago. I've never read the Harry Potter books and I still got a headache.