Here's the Dear Abby Update

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I'm not going to bother writing another letter. She already knows she's right.

Instead, I'll leave her to her own ignorance, and secretly pine for the day when her newspaper column gets shit-canned and she has to take a job in a retail store and get pawed at by customers.

[JLRodgers]

But remember... a person who works in a store should expect to be touched! Since she "works" in the paper, so her job is words, she should "expect" people to keep on writing to disagree with the same old post. If not, she should get a different job!


[granted really stretching to use her own words against her... but still.]

[Evil Queen]

Hey Irv, let me know when you decide to go to her office because I feel like helping.

And the comments about the smoker? What the flying fuck is her damned problem?? I sure hope one of her "fans" find her in the street and give her a stern talking to!!!!

[Saydrah]

The one that got me rolling recently was when she published an obviously fake letter, about a guy whose wife supposedly accidentally had sex with one of his two identical brothers while staying at his parents' house. Those letters should go into the rubbish bin, not into syndication!

[Evil Queen]

Maybe this will help us feel better:

Dear Abby, I'm a Hitman in a Pickle

Dear Abby,

I have an etiquette question. My aunt that I haven't really had a relationship with in nearly 15 years got married recently and her new husband has a grown daughter. Let's call her . . . Ruru. Ruru needs a place to stay. She has assorted cousins, a grandmother with a house, an aunt with a brownstone, a brother with a regular-sized house, and another brother with a multi-winged castle. But the slightly spastic kid who works for me (building video games and hacking into government computers) somehow asked my sort-of step-cousin Ruru to live with me instead.

The thing is, a mafia boss pays me to kill people for a living. So my life is a wee bit dangerous. So dangerous that I'm not with the mother of my child, because we both think the violence that surrounds me is too much of a threat to her and my son if they were to live with me. So dangerous that my last live-in girlfriend took a bullet intended for me to the uterus. So dangerous that my condo has more weapons that many small nations. So dangerous that I have multiple bodyguards. So dangerous that I have bullet proof glass for windows. So dangerous that in spite of all my security, I've been shot more times than 50 Cent.

So I'm sure you know what my question is. Now that I've made the obvious decision to let Ruru move in, may I ask her to use the everyday towels? The guest ones were full price at Bloomingdale's and I'd rather keep them from pilling.

Sincerely,
Chasin' MoreGuns

P.S. It's also okay if I tell her not to touch my hair products, right?

It's not real. It's part of a blogging Radio drama type thing, but if only it was!

[Pagan]

Evil Queen -



You should sen it in! Except, I get this unnerving feeling that it might actually get printed?

[Evil Queen]

Wish I could, but I think I may have broken a couple copywrite laws by simply posting it here. However, the website I got it from called Serial Drama, now got some free publicity.

[Evil Queen]

I seen that one too. Must have been a slow day for her.

[derangedperson]

The one that got me rolling recently was when she published an obviously fake letter, about a guy whose wife supposedly accidentally had sex with one of his two identical brothers while staying at his parents' house. Those letters should go into the rubbish bin, not into syndication!

I shudder to think what her advice was with that one. It probably involved "swapping," if you get my meaning.

[Saydrah]

Her advice was to demand his wife come clean with the "whole story"

Deranged, I think you're confusing "Dear Abby" with "Dear Saydrah."

[Evil Queen]

Dear Saydrah, I have a horrible dilemma! I can't decide if I want Chicken or Beef for dinner! Help this poor starving soul!

-Poor Starving Soul in TX

[Saydrah]

Dear Starving Soul,

I can't decide between chicken and beef either! For assistance, I've forwarded your question to my guest correspondent, Ms. Abigail VanBuren (Jr.) Her response follows:

Dear Poor Starving Soul,

It sounds like you just aren't cut out for a position in which you must choose between two main courses. You should find out what your husband's policies are on contact with cooked poulty and bovine tissue. Maybe you should ask to shop for a dinner that doesn't require direct contact with meat?

Sincerely,
Abby

[Evil Queen]

Saydrah, that made my day. That letter is just what Abby would say!

We should picket Abby's office until her boss fires her ass. Then go out for cake afterwards! (I promise, the cake isn't a lie)

[myswtghst]

Ok, Saydrah and EQ, you're killing me.

I couldn't resist responding:

I have to say, after writing in with numerous friends to express our disgust and dismay over your response to "Nicki in Maryland" (March 23), I was hoping to see a change of heart, or at the very least, some sort of apology for the way you basically stated that those of us in retail should expect to be touched, and should either put up with it or find another job.

Instead, I came across your follow up with "Beth in Hayward, CA (May 15), and was disappointed yet again. You responded by stating that while Beth is entitled to her opinion (which I know MANY of us share), because 2 male letter writers more or less agreed with you, and you were able to find two other letters that supported your theory to a very small extent, you believe you've "won."

Both Cyndi in New Jersey and Customer's Not Always Right pretty clearly stated that they believe Nicki has every right to politely tell a touchy customer to keep their hands to themself. And I still agree.

Unless I'm in a job that clearly states on the application that touching is mandatory, no one, customer or coworker, has the right to touch me unless I say they do.

Moreover, it makes me sad that this country has such a lack of manners and common courtesy that there are those out there who believe they have every right to grab, poke, prod, or otherwise put their hands on a perfect stranger, regardless of whether they're being "paid to serve" or not.

In addition to the above, woe to the entitled customer who grabs a worker who happens to have a history of abuse, martial arts training, and/or fast reflexes, as they may finally pay for their bad behavior, which would be sad for both parties.

If pregnant women and even service dogs can expect and request not to be touched, I don't see any reason a service worker shouldn't expect the same.

[Sheldonrs]

...The last line is what really blows me away. This has got to be the most pompous, condescending "advice" I have ever read. I really hope this "Dear Abby" doesn't have a daughter, otherwise we might be subjected to horse manure like this for another 50 years!

I have some standard responses when someone makes comments about my smoking.
If they tell me the my smoke is bothering them, I tell them "well it's KILLING me and you don't hear ME bitching about it!"

If they ask me if I know that smoking causes cancer, I tell them "NO! That news never reached the cave I've been living in for the last 47 years! THANKS!!!"

Makes me feel better anyway.