Dear....

[Princess-Snake]

Dear IV line,
Thank You so much for providing me the nutrition I need in order to stay alive. I really do owe my life to you. However, would it kill you to go for more than one month without getting some kind of damn infection?! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired every month. Back in the past, it was maybe every three to four months at the least, but ever since September, my health has been riding a roller coaster. I thought that month long stay in the hospital back in October- November had fixed things, but apparently, they didn't. I took my temperature today because I was feeling a bit chilly, and the thermometer read 99.5. I was just out of the hospital last week! If I have to go back there again, I'm going to rip you out of my leg, cry in pain for about fifteen minutes, drive over to Baltimore where the hospital is located, and drown you into a vat of alcohol as nurses surround me with straight jackets and happy shots.

Respectfully yours,
Princess-Snake

[MMATM]

Dear Mark,

Sort your shit out. Get done with your work and stop screwing around. Figure out what you're doing and get it done. Talk to your professors, catch up in your classes, finish your damn certification, and get a job lined up before the summer starts. Stop relying on twenty-year-old investments to pay your way through school, even if that's what they were originally for. Get a couple scholarships, save some money, and end up in the black for once.

Sideline all the unimportant bullshit you've been working on and focus on what has to be done. Then do it. Don't half-finish something and then decide you'll get back to it. You can't afford any more hits to your GPA or you'll end up spending an extra two years getting your degree. Stop blaming sickness and circumstances beyond your control for being behind.

Lastly, stop settling for less than you're capable of. You used to look forward to this, and now you can't be bothered to make use of your time.

Pissedoffedly,
-Mark

-----------------------

Dear floormates,

OMFG STFU.

-Mark

-----------------------

Dear business majors and others to whom this may apply,

I know you've managed to get into the business school here at the 'Zoo. This means you most probably have some ability to not be completely retarded 24/7. This does not, however, mean you can slack off and make life miserable for everyone else who has a real major that requires more than a pulse to graduate.

Obviously there is more to your major than you're doing with it. My girlfriend is in the same major and is taking a lot of difficult classes, and will be graduating with at least two minors, if not two majors and a minor. As a result, she will be far and away more prepared for the business world than yourselves. Completing the bare minimum may be enough for you, but by doing so you forfeit the right to complain about anything, ever that has to do with your life here at the 'Zoo or ever again about the "real world" which you've decided not to prepare yourself for.

Also, Thursday is not a weekend day. Just because you only have two classes on Fridays and are skipping them both doesn't mean everyone else on campus needs to be kept awake until five o'clock in the fucking morning. Go to bed or at least stay in your rooms to drink, instead of running up and down the halls and screaming.

Consider yourselves warned, the next person that knocks on any door within earshot of my room by repeatedly kicking the bottom of the door for more than five seconds, producing an incessant pounding noise that echoes up and down the hall, may be mercilessly beaten with one of the following implements:
- Golf club,
- Hardwood practice sword,
- Steel chin-up bar,
- YOUR OWN ARM.

If you vomit in one or more of the bathroom stalls, CLEAN IT UP. If I ever catch any of you leaving a vomit-filled stall without even so much as flushing the fucking toilet, I will make you eat the contents of said toilet without the benefit of utensils.

Also of note: The piss-water beers and rot-gut liquors you manage to choke down are not alcohol, they are the urine and other discharges of a thousand STD-laden former porn "actors" and "actresses" fermented in Satan's asshole. The fact that such liquid horrors can cause intoxication is anything but surprising, and is far less shocking than the fact that you've retained enough brain cells to be able to operate the flip tabs and twist-off caps used to access said crimes against humanity.

Ever-so-sincerely,
-Mark

-----------------------

Dear RA's,

DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. WRITE PEOPLE UP WHO DESERVE IT.

Thank you,
-Mark

-----------------------

Dear readers,

Sorry for the length.

Apologetically,
-Mark

[Tanasi]

Dear Community Activist,
Get a real job. Get your "protest" signs out of my pasture. I don't care that you have a message to get out I have hay to raise that I will use to feed my cattle this coming winter. BTW you're trespassing catch you in my pasture again, you are going to jail and I will make it my mission to keep you there.

PO'ed Land Owner


Dear Hillary, Barak, and John,
I really do not care for any of you and come November I'll truely have to hold my nose to vote. BTW I'm paying my kids a dollar a sign for everyone of your signs that's attached to my property. Hillary I bet that big old plywood sign was expensive maybe you should have asked before putting it up. Never mind now because that sign has been painted over and I will use it for something else. No it stopped being your sign when it was abandoned on my property. John you sound like a breathless hobbit don't call back, btw you're not the only to have served in RVN, you weren't the only one to get wounded, I was smart enough to not get caught.

PO'ed Voter


Dear Police Officer,
I gave you and your fellow officers those car wash tolkens in thanks for the job you do and to keep your police car nice and shiney. That being said pulling your patrol car into my automatic washer and closing the doors and having a "date" is more than I'm going to put up with. If you're going to cheat on you wife then do it somewhere else, I will be warning you just one time and if you or one of your buddies harass either me or my family the video footage of you and your "date" will be released to your superiors and the media. I don't condone that kind of behavior and I won't be part to it.

PO'ed Tax Payer


Dear Local Temporary County Commissoner,
Tear the building down, restore it, or sell it I don't care just stop yammering about it. I can't even eat breakfast with the dead pecker club without hearing your nasalily voice. There's a reason you didn't come close to winning the primary no one outside your family and friends cares for your politics and that explains your pathetic showing. Why can't you get a clue? Is someone going to have to flat out tell you to shut the heck up? I look forward to August when your successor is elected. Don't take my politeness as caring, I just being polite to set an example for my kids were they not with me I'd tell you what I think of you.

PO'ed Voter


Dear GK,
Get better soon, we miss you and your stories.

Tanasi,

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Child,

No putting hands and other body parts into the toilet bowl just after/while doing your "duty" in said toilet. There is not enough anti-bacterial whatevers in the world to possibly get you clean.

Head-desking until the pain gets too much & I pass out,
Your Mommy

----------------------------------------

Dear Pot,

The fires are going out.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Your very lonely,
Kettle

[blas]

Dear Sheriff,

I thank God every day that you got a new job and you're out of everyone's hair from 8:30-4:30 every day. Now all I have to worry about is when I'm awake and want to go out to smoke in the evening. I thank God that you are so stupid that you never condense your errands into one trip and more often than not, you're not home, and you're almost always on to go somewhere.

Having said that:

When you are home, you are nothing but a pain in the ass and I really hate you. I'm no longer sympathetic to your cranial shortcomings. You're obviously able to operate a motor vehicle and to live on your own (well, with your wife, but you know what I mean). I cannot fathom how you cannot understand that peeping out your window looking for people outside is WRONG. It may not be the same as going up to someone's window and peeping in on them but it is STILL invasion of privacy.

This has been going on since I moved in. It's so irritating. I have to smoke outside. I just want to smoke. I do NOT appreciate seeing you peeking out your window, seeing me, then proceeding to run outside and hunt me down (or anyone else who happens to be outside).

You were obviously blessed with some kind of psychic ability. There have been times at night when it's DARK where I knew you were outside, so I snuck out and rolled into a little ball and sat by my door and didn't make a peep. As soon as you walked away from whomever you were already harassing, you suddenly turned around and KNEW I was there and found me anyway.

It irritates me that I've lubricated my door so it no longer makes noise, I have started smoking at different times...and yet you still ALWAYS see me outside and come after me.

I already yelled at you once for coming after me one night while I was walking to my car. Every time I see you, I dash back inside or hide. Does that NOT phase you at all? Does that not click in that "Hey, I creep this person out, I shoudn't do that anymore." Or "Maybe I should stop bothering people."

I'm warning you. This happens ONE more time (and I guarantee it will) and I will speak with the landlord when I go to pay my rent next Monday. I will not tolerate this anymore. This is MY apartment. If I can't smoke inside, then I EXPECT to be able to smoke in peace without being stalked and spied on.

KNOCK IT OFF!

Blas

[karath]

Dear Steve:

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET BACK TO WORK. You've been planning to change jobs for the better part of two years, DO IT ALREADY! Learn to focus, learn to study, learn to work hard enough that you can afford to move out! Start making friends in real life; the "buddies" you haven't actually seen in months hardly count. You've used them as an excuse to avoid making other friends for most of your life, stop spending time in your own worlds and live in the real one for once! Pay attention to your classes, start studying, and get the hell out of community college! You've got a plan for life, get to work on it!

Respectfully, Steve.

[protege]

Dear MGB GT,

I know it's been awhile since you've been home. I know sitting in the garage just sucks...but look at it this way. You've had a *serious* makeover, and look damn awesome in your restored glory. Oh, and the new air filter boxes should be arriving any day now...along with the bumper spacers and other chromed goodies. Looking forward to driving you and having a good time at the car shows this summer. I can hardly wait!

--Pro

[friendofjimmyk]

Dear annonying co-worker,

Can't you tell I'm ignoring you? Can't you tell when someone isn't interested in your boring, monotonous stories. Its one thing to share a little bit of what you do outside work, but to continue to speak on and on after I've obviously stopped paying attention just confuses me. I feel bad when I'm not paying attention to you...but I am engrossed in my customerssuck.com website and I really don't like to be bothered when I'm reading it by real work let alone a chatty co-worker.

Much love - maybe if you stopped talking
FOJK

Dear Mr. Text happy person,

I don't know you yet you text me ALL THE TIME!!! Every morning, you say "guten morgen" (uh, I speak English!) and then you text me silliness throughout the day and then you text me "good night".

We are merely passing acquaintances. The only reason you have my number is for fellowship related stuff. I am not going to date you - I am happily chasing a man who does not want to be in a relationship but who spends all of his free time with me. I've explained this to you. Has that stopped you from texting me? NO! Why?

What I really can't stand is the fact that you think I care about some of the things you text me. Like, when you're "messing with me" thinking that I've gotten all upset over something you've text me. No. No, sir, I'm sorry to be rude, but you're just not that important to me. At least I've gotten you to stop sending me the pornographic picture jokes. I was not amused!! AT ALL! I am not one who is easily offended, but YOU DON'T KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO SEND ME A PICTURE OF A NAKED WOMAN IN VAROIUS OBSCENE SILLY SITUATIONS! You do realize that this is where ANY, ANY remote one in a billion chance of taking me to a movie was killed. There is now no chance that I'd ever even be in a room alone with you.

I know, I should be straightforward with you and tell you to stop. You know, I think that today, maybe I will...I'm sure I'll hear from you.

F***ING GO AWAY!
FOJK

[draftermatt]

Dear Big Boss,

GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know we are slow, and you are bored, but you constantly being up in my space is infuriating. Especially when I get off the phone, relay the conversation to my boss, then you in turn tell my boss to call the person back, "You'd better talk to them"

And today, I knew what I was looking for, it wasn't there but you said "It has to be there" guess what, it wasn't, either time. Twice in a 5 minute span you did this.

One of these days I'm going to lose it and punch you right in the fucking head, and I'll got to jail with a smile on my face. Your brother and I got into badly a few years back, and did you notice how I'm one of the few people he speaks civily to? Yeah, because I chewed his ass out. Once my wife is out of school I'll be job hunting, and while I'd hate to lose the reference, if you keep pushing it's not going to be fun for you.

I know how to do my job, and do it well. I've been doing it fine for almost 7 years now. Funny how you seem to trust me when we are busy. Guess money will do that to you.

Asshole.

[friendofjimmyk]

..I'm sure I'll hear from you.

....ah, there you are like freakin' clockwork. I could almost use your texts as an alarm if I didn't have to be at work @ 6am.

Oh, and your bullshit about how you get up at 4am to jog in the morning! Yeah, right. You smoke 2 packs a day, you run a meeting that ends near midnight each night and you are so freakin' pale I need sunglasses to stand around you to stop the glare. Don't bullshit me - I'm already not impressed.

I'd text you and tell you to leave me alone, but I believe its best said in person.

[Becks]

Dear T,

Thank you (I think) for saying something to me that actually made me blush with pleasure, look down and act all shy.

That doesn't happen very often.

I'm going to get you back for that.

Becky

[Misanthropical]

Dear coworker who sits next to me,

You are so use to putting down people and getting away with it, that you think you are the smartest person on the planet. That stopped when I was told to sit next to you. Well, my friend and I were told to move over by you and she refused to sit next to you, so being the good friend I am, I bit the bullet and sat next to you.

You try so hard to put me down and I always turn it back on you and you end up looking like the dumbass. You always end up pouting and sulking like a two year old when it happens. So, maybe you should just stop or do you like me making you look like a complete jerk? You do make it easy, so it's no skin off my nose.

Do you know why the boss comes over and stands next to you when you start up with me? He enjoys seeing me put you back in back in your place. He even told you that you brought it on yourself, so that pouting act doesn't work with him either, besides don't you know how revolting it is to see a middle aged man pout?


You also keep telling me you want to talk to my husband about how "evil" his wife is and how does he stand to live in a house with such an evil person, but when you have the chance, you chicken out. I'm not an evil person, being intelligent does not make one evil, no matter what your mom told you.

So, in conclusion don't start what you can't finish, dumbass.


Dear boss,

No, I don't argue with the coworker because I like him. I argue with him because he needs someone to take him down. I have told you that I am only attracted to intelligent men. My coworkers is not an intelligent man, and besides, he is threatened by intelligent women.

[Kusanagi]

Dear fever -

Please, PLEASE drop below 102, I have no choice but to be at work and it helps if my heart isn't racing and my vision isn't blurry.

Dear stomach -

Please keep down water.

Dear emergency room -

I would have been there last night had you not been so fucking expensive to the point of charging $800 to tell me to turn my head to the side and cough. I'll make do laying in a bathtub of cold water, thanks.

Dear wrist -

No, I haven't forgotten about you. Please stop thinking I have and be nice enough to stop sending shooting pains up my arm every two minutes.

Dear car -

You know, I've had to do twenty years worth of maintinance on you in the last six months. I don't mind, as there are no repeat issues and you are a good car, but when I pull into the parking lot while running a fever of 103 and I see smoke pouring out from under the hood and oil sprayed all over the inside of the engine compartment, I will understandably freak out. Please stay there with the giant puddle of oil under the car and don't have anything else break until I figure out just what the fuck I'm going to do or how I'm going to pay to fix you.

Dear Life:

IS THAT STILL THE BEST YOU CAN DO!?

Dear potential saviors:

Did I mention I cook, clean, and have an open apartment for someone to stay for a week or so out here in San Diego?

Bleargh....

[Saydrah]

Dear SO's Grandfather,

You are a true hero. Thank you for serving our country in the second World War, and for the actions that saved many lives. Thank you also for not taking military life too seriously, because had you not intentionally gotten yourself demoted back to Private seven separate times so you wouldn't have to supervise night watch, I would have never heard your stories about ordering your men into town to brothels or getting the entire unit drunk on your watch.

I am glad that you aren't very aware anymore, because I think you're already in a peaceful place, no longer suffering from the embarrassment of being a strong man, a veteran, unable to dress yourself. It's hard to see an endangered species dying- someone who remembers times that most people born today will never hear someone personally recount, except in videos and books. It's even harder on your grandson and your daughter.

If there is any justice in this world, whatever afterlife exists will consist of you finding yourself in your own personal heaven, full of the donuts, apple pie, and french fries that you haven't been able to eat for years, with your wife by your side. Oh, and the angels will have a strong labor union.

-

[Becks]

Dear Mommy and Bella,

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for the gorgeous earrings. I can't wait to show them off at work.



Much love,

Becks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Kusanagi,

Stop teasing me.

Becky