Dear....

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear crystal wine glass that broke in the sink earlier this evening:

Thank you so very much for taking a small chunk out of my finger when you decided to let loose of your chunk of the side of the glass. I can't remember when I've had so much fun trying to cook dinner with an open bleeder that finally stopped after an hour of holding my arm over my head while trying to keep continuous pressure on it after bleeding through 2 band-aids.

But it's okay though . . . I still have 11 more of your siblings in my cabinet here and two others at my sister's apartment. I always like to keep a couple of extra for future breakage (and if didn't happen to me, it probably would have been my Mom.)

At least I don't have to yell at anybody tonight over why one of my glasses got broke.

Sincerely-

DGoddess

[Food Lady]

That much blood sounds like you should've had stitches. Hope it doesn't get infected!

[Mishi]

Dear Mother-in-law:
If someone has not one, not two, but THREE AVOs... he is never going to be a good role model for a little boy. Especially when one of those is from his own mother! He will never change and I think you're insane for being happy that such a violent person is looking after your grandchild on an ever increasing basis.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Netflix:

Your radio commercials with the game show contestant giving off the wall answers to questions? They're quite possibly the most retarded thing I've heard ever, and I've heard Rebecca Black sing.

Hire a different ad agency.

Irv.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

That much blood sounds like you should've had stitches. Hope it doesn't get infected!

it's healing up. Looks much better now than it did when it happened, that's for sure.

And no, I didn't go to the ER . . . if it had been worse (if for example, I'd cut the finger almost completely OFF) then I would've.

Dear Charlie-

Yes, you are a sweetheart and yes, we love you dearly. But could you please confine your shedding to the great outdoors and NOT inside the house?

It's no fun dragging out the vacuum cleaner almost daily b/c you insist on not only jumping up on my bed every night but also taking up MY side of the bed and having to vacuum off the loveseat and the carpet in both the office and dining room.

And at the rate I'm going I may run out of duct tape to get all that hair off the clothes after I've gotten them out of the dryer by the coming weekend. . .

Sincerely-

Your new mommy

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Dear Facebook friends,

Stop complaining to me about our mutual friend. Yes, I know she has issues and can be a handful. I suspect she has borderline personality disorder. She's gone through a lot and yes, she can be a pain, especially when she posts doom and gloom. But look at her other posts and see how often she posts POSITIVE things too. I've been talking to her online for about 6 1/2 years now and we would have met in person by now if we didn't live in different countries. If you don't like what she has to say, either ignore her (she usually calms down pretty quickly) or, if you REALLY don't like her, unfriend her. Stop sending me PMs about her, because I can't do anything about what she posts. I talk to her on IM and we work things out that way between ourselves...your relationship with her, or lack of one, is your business.

Signed,
Tired of being put in the middle

[Kanalah]

Dear Husband,

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I know you're grandmother was a duchess and all, and my family is white trash, but please stop treating me like a ruin everything I touch. The results will be really nasty.

[taurinejunkie]

Dear Kanalah's Husband,

If you have any instinct for self-preservation you will knock that shit off.

[AnaKhouri]

Dear Kanalah,

When people say 'my relative is/was a..." I always say, "Well, are you a ...? No? Then why are you bragging about it?"

[blondemarmot]

Dear husband,

You're not mad? Oh, well thank fucking god you let me know. Here I was sitting at home, crying, because I thought you were mad with me, wondering how ever was I to make it up to you. Because, you know, you're the only one who ever gets angry around this house, shit, you're the only one that has any feelings that matter at all! I never would think to get frustrated and pissy over being the only one who ever does the dishes, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the dog-bathing, the litter-box cleaning, the folding of clean laundry, the hard yard work, the entertaining, the night-shifts, the vet visits, the appointment-making, the poop-scooping, the weed pulling, the secretary duties of your business, the weeding, the planning of anything family, the garbage, the recyclables, the bills, the retirement planning, the rent check, the sick care-taker, the mending, the picker-upper-of-crap-you-leave-lying-outside-that-will-get-ruined-by-rain and sundry other little things I do around here.
Oh, what's that? You mowed the lawn? Two weeks ago? After I asked you two weeks previous? Well, congratu-fucking-lations here's a gold star on your progress report and a whole tray full of cookies, why don't you sit down right here in your dent in the couch and enjoy them all. No, no, you don't have to share with me, my arms are too full with this laundry anyway.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear annoying girls,

No, I will not go out drinking with you tonight.

No, I will not go out drinking with you tonight and call in sick tomorrow. It's my last shift before vacation and I'm practically the only one there in the morning. You really think nobody will notice or care?

Blowing up my phone won't change my mind.

Having my coworker call me with a private number won't change my mind.

Buy your own drinks for a change.

Irv.

[Jack T. Chance]

Dear Mozilla Firefox;

Please, could you find a way to infect the rest of the interwebz with your built-in Spell Checker?

KTHXBYE!

[MoonCat]

Dear Supervisor,

I have been doing this job longer than you have been breathing. Please disabuse yourself of the notion that you know a better way to do it than I do. If what I did didn't work, don't you think I'd have figured that out by now?

[Dreamstalker]

Dear Assholes Upstairs:

Okay, so your kids are 'allergic' to w2w carpet. Get some damn area rugs, something to muffle the noise. The first time we complained the property management offered to PAY for it for fuck's sake! "Suck it up" is not the correct response. Everyone is entitled to quiet enjoyment of their unit, which you are violating for not only us, but the woman with 2 kids below us.

I don't buy that you've never lived above anyone before. It's summer, take the kids OUTSIDE. We have *counts* six parks within walking distance. Or are you afraid they'll get abducted? Or is it that the parks won't accept the elephants you're training up there?

You don't know this, but we're the ones that called the cops (and management) on your last wild party when it felt like our ceiling was going to collapse. Thank you for not having any more like that, but you're still way too loud.

Dear Property Management:

Your lawyers may have said that you can send eviction notices when we're not behind (last one was when we only owed $200 for the current month), but the state says otherwise. The lease says nothing about due dates save for before the 1st of the month, and if it's not in the lease at the time of signing it's not enforceable. STOP IT.

[Dreamstalker]

Dear petsitting clients from this week:

(rats) I do apologize that there were no rat blocks in their bowl when you got home. However, I was told that you were returning on Sunday morning and I should only visit in the afternoons. Had I known you were getting back later than anticipated I would have made an extra trip over there to check on things, but I was not notified and had no reason to think otherwise. In any event, next time I will make sure I know exactly when you're coming back so I can make an extra run if needed.

(these are good clients and this is the first time there's been any mistakes. ten rat blocks per day is not enough for five of them as the bowl was always empty when I came over)

(cats) I did clean the litterbox. The lack of a litter bag in the trash can does not mean I didn't. I didn't want the dirty litter to sit in the kitchen garbage overnight when it was as warm as it was in the apartment, so I took it upon myself to put it in the outside cans when I left. Believe it or not, in the morning there was nothing to clean out. I have no way of knowing whether "more than a day's worth" of poop in the box on your return is actually true, but you really do not need to phone me over it. I know what I did and I can't explain why you think I didn't (nor should I need to defend myself), but now know to be extra-vigilant about it next time...although you did tell me last time NOT to leave the poop bags in the kitchen trash, so what was I supposed to do?